Tag Archives: sam

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Masks, Secrets & Threesomes, Oh My!

12 Sep

Guys, things are getting verrrrry sombre and serious.

We opened on a shot of the mansion at night accompanied by the moon. So much moon and sombre. The bitches were sitting by the fire while werewolves howled in the background. Even Louise had ditched the red lip for a smoky eye. Because night time.

 

 

wolfmoon

#sombre

 

Chat chat chat, we’re so lucky to still be locked up inside this house, chat chat chat I wonder how Blake is feeling about feelings.

Oh wow, look at that! There’s a date card conveniently sitting on the couch that we totes didn’t notice before!

Lots of speculation about who the lucky lady will be tonight, and Chantal honestly looks like she’s waiting to hear if she has a life-threatening disease. Although, believing that competing on this show is a good decision would qualify as pretty life-threatening.

And the winner is…LOUISE! As in, the one who wears lipstick and likes to bake and….and………actually that’s all I know about her. In my dreams, though, I imagine Louise lives in a white and beige palace in Toorak with a thermomix and everything from Urban Republic and her farts smell like cinnamon buns.

Louise heads down to the park and, as expected, Vader blows in on a bloody helicopter…..again.

We literally see Louise get the signal from the director to start jumping up and down and waving, which she does like a champ. I little bit like the time Richard Mercer blew in on an effing yacht to pick her up. Actually, it’s exactly like that. Just with a helicopter. Potato/potahto…

Blake Vader earnestly explains that he wanted to “take Louise away” from the obviously basic and awful existence she has living on the foreshore of Sydney Harbor, and whisk her off to the Hunter Valley for a glimpse of his man-grapes.

Upon arriving at a picturesque winery, Louise presents Vader with caramel slice that she has conveniently baked for him. Remember, guys? Louise wears lipstick and bakes. She’s really complex. No, but seriously, caramel slice is actually the shit and I am yelling at the TV, “WIFE HER IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT BEFORE!”

Now, if the way to a man’s heart is, as Louise says, through his stomach, the way to Louise’s heart is through extravagant modes of transport. Why? Because horse and carriage. They land in a helicopter and jump straight into an effing horse-drawn carriage. HashtagSwag.

Fast forward a minute or two, and they’re suddenly by a pool. Now, I have been to a nice winery or two in my time and not once have I ever seen a winery with a pool, so I assume they’re just in someone’s back yard. With candles. MANY MANY candles. Candles.

Something something something energy, something something something feelings, something you have great energy and feelings, and I have a good time feeling your energy…. *gravel gravel can’t understand due to Blake’s voice dropping a register, gravel gravel*

Back at School Camp for Bitches, Laurina has returned and is casually sitting in the rotunda (OMG, I seriously didn’t realize it was a fancy rotunda, I thought it was just a room in the mansion, I don’t know why I care so much about this) with Sam.

Sam: So how are you? Have you recovered from the mystery illness we’re not supposed to talk about?

Laurina: Pardon? I can’t hear you; my facelift has pulled my ears to the back of my skull.

 

GROUP DATE!

Into the Ford Focus with Voice Command (can you please pay me now, Ford?) and they are off for a day of competing for one man’s attention. Laurina doesn’t care where they go or what they do as long as it’s not to the street to eat street pie.

OMIGOD I AM TOO EXCITED! For this week’s totally gender empowering challenge, the ladies have to act like proper actors and Vader has to act like a proper straight man.

Guys, lucky Laurina is a model and has modelled many modelling things so she is obvi v v knowledgeable about The Heart Foundation. They are practically the same thing. Because charity.

The pair of bachelorettes with the best writing and acting skills will win a very special party at Blake’s Bachie Pad. Very special party? Bachie Pad? Obviously this means sex. Or animal sacrifice.

SO. MANY. JOKES. ABOUT. ACTING. AND. AWKWARD. KISSING. I. JUST. CANNOT. DEAL.

Guys, it’s all pretty bad, except when Richard Mercer gets topless and the bitches need to be hosed down.

Lisa and Sam are the lucky ladies with their Baywatch-themed shoot. I’m guessing Sam’s apt use of the phrase, “that’s enough pollywaffle,” is what tipped them over the edge. Jess/Elsa and Chantal go back to Fountain Gate and Laurina & Zoe are left to cry over their polyestaaaaaaah.

Vader whisks away his two semi-girlfriends for a night of romance and completely appropriate threesome dating.

Cue the most terrifying yet also heavenly interaction in the name of all that is holy…

Sitting on the couch, holding hands with Vader, Sam comes out with her confession that she could be falling in love with him and Lisa is f*$%ing sitting there watching them! I don’t….can’t….what…..help….no…..what….stop…don’t…hold me I’m having a melt down.

Moving right along, because if we dwell on this any longer my face might implode and melt all over me.

 

lisa sam

Staahhp! Staahp it!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Because ‘The Bachelor’ is ALL about symbolism and hidden meaning, the bitches are all dolled up in the left over ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ dresses and masquerade masks. Because mystery.

Osher shows up for his requisite 3 minutes of air time and tells them that tonight will be ‘very different’. There will be no rose ceremony. Instead, Blake will hand out roses throughout the cocktail party. Woah, woah, woah…..woah. HOLD UP. Handing roses out over two hours is waaaaaaaay too different to handing roses out over 10 minutes. Guys, this is super serious. How will we cope? What is life? How could they DO this to us?!

Jess/Elsa has written Blake a sodding letter. It looks to be at least 15 pages, front and back. And who wants to bet that she dots her i’s with love hearts? Because Blake is under contract to only read the cue cards given to him by producers, he sits there and listens while she reads it to him. It is suuuuuuuuper boring. It’s the literature equivalent of sexy forehead touching. Whatever, it gets her a rose.

Blah blah it’s down to Laurina and Chantal. Obvi Laurina cannot go home because she is heaven in a smoothie, but Chantal is also not leaving because she is David Attenborough and without her no one will actually know what is going on.

Laurina cracks the sads and announces she cannot be bothered ‘dazzling’ Vader tonight because she has serious dazzle and has been dazzling him all over the place. Her bitch fit works and Richard Mercer finds her in the kitchen moping over her coconut water. Der-rama! Who will it be??

Cut to Chantal being hauled out into the garden looking bloody terrified.  Faaaaaaark…..it’s totally her. Osher’s Assistant is going home. I knew it. That stunning shade of lipstick she is wearing is not enough to save her. She is promptly put in the limo of doom and, like the true professional she is, expertly narrates her departure and the goings on of the episode as she is sped away from Bachelorland.

The remaining bitches are shocked. They don’t even TRY and look happy that Laurina is safe, despite the glorious stank-eye she gives them. No one really says anything. They all just sort of sit there looking at each other, waiting for Chantal to explain what happens next but…it never comes. David Attenborough is gone forever.

Join me next week when, without Chantal, we find the remaining bachelorettes still sitting around in their ballgowns, unsure of what to do or what to say.

 

Shit is gonna get cray.

 

david

Good luck without me, suckaaaaas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: BitchCrashers

22 Aug

*INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!*

Retrieve your weapons, kids. Intruder bitches have infiltrated the Bat Cave and are on the prowl for sexy time with Blake Vader.

But before we investigate this breach of security, we must backtrack a little to a simpler time when Richard Mercer managed to get himself a yacht…

We open with another “casual” group hang out on the patio, where the bitches are talking about going on dates with Blake…SURPRISE!

Osher has called in sick again and so his 2IC, Chantal, begins her weekly spiel of explaining all of the complex and intricate goings on at the Mansion. But, WHAT?! Osher shows up! Albeit for a moment to give the ladies a glimpse of his impressive new weave and drop off a date card. Chantal looks disappointed.

Jess/Elsa reads the card with enough wonderment on her face to stun an elephant. Looks like Lousie (the one with the permanent lipstick) is going on the individual date this time. From the clever wording of the date card, the bitches decipher this date will involve Vader’s favourite things: water and/or a boat. They jump up and down in excitement for him.

Cut to Vader himself, casually gazing at the horizon from atop said boat. He explains to the camera that Louise is the most glamorous of the bitches so he wants to see if she can let loose and have fun. With champagne and seafood on a luxury yacht on Sydney Harbor. Because money.

For realz, Vader’s idea of challenging Glamazon to let loose is taking her on an effing yacht cruise. There are people lining up at St Vinnie’s with Coles vouchers and this bitch is slumming it with a bottle of Bollinger. I hate them both.

Whatever, they are both looking v v nautical with monochrome and stripes. Vader once again manages to notice that she is “rocking” her off-the-shoulder dress. Honestly, next thing you know, he’ll be taking them all to Broadway Jazz lessons and teaching them how to sew sequins onto skinny jeans.

As she steps onto the floating mansion, Mufasa explains to Simba that, “everything the light touches is our kingdom.” Simba/Lousie looks happy. She’s imagining all the vintage earrings she’ll be able to wear when they entertain royal subjects.

 

simba mufasa 2

We own this joint

Hooray! We’re eight minutes in and Mufasa is shirtless. I knew he could only stay clothed for so long. Simba/Louise strips down to a designer one piece. Also white. I’m sensing a white theme here – white boat, white wine, white bathers, lame white girl. The Manly Ferry chugs past the White Floating Palace and all the passengers gawk at the nakedness. Regardless of the possible gay thing, he is just so burly. So very burly.

All this staring at his pecs makes Vader feels a little self conscious, so the Love Boat weighs anchor and he takes Simba/Louise down to the poopdeck.

Meanwhile, Chantal and Sam have a scripted bitch session about Canadian Horse Whisperer and Simba/Louise. Which has obviously been written by a man. FYI Channel 10, women are mean. Hire a female script writer for the love of God.

Anyhoo, Simba/Louise gets back from her pretentious day on a boat and the group date card arrives. But DER-RAMA! It simply says, “Cocktails & Dreams.” One of the bitches makes the observation that this date card is very vague on the details. No shit, babe. Here we were automatically assuming Tom Cruise would be visiting to make you all Midori Splices.

The bitches look nervous. Osher’s back from Pilates for the evening and this time it’s him who needs to steal Blake away. This makes the bitches even more nervous and they pout at each other awkwardly.

Outside, Vader assumes Osh is there to talk to him about Bachelor-y things. After all, this guy is a CLEO Bachelor of the Year profesh! But Osher drops the WORLD FIRST BOMBSHELL that nine bitches are just not enough for one man, and so some fresh slappers will be entering the Bat Cave tonight.

Richard Mercer does his very best stripper acting, pretending to look shocked. But like the pro he is, he dutifully strikes a pose at the bottom of the runway and awaits the next batch of crazies.

Mary arrives and she is actually terrifying. Like, she has snake eyes that could bore through a skull. Apparently Mary is an “acting student” and her dream man is a tall, gay stripper man on a reality show. Convenient. Being an actor and all, she should be used to being around gay guys, so obviously they click. Rachael is next and she is Holly 2.0. I’mma call her Hachael. Unfortunately for her, she is even less interesting than Holly 1 and seems to have forgotten how to make facial expressions.

We don’t get any montage of Anastasia or Tarni. All you need to know is that Anastasia has supremely large teeth and Tarni doesn’t appear to have any lips. (On her MOUTH…come on guys!) But is Tarni even a name? Thank Oprah Tiarni and Sharni have left because can you IMAGINE the confusion?!

The other girls are Lauren and Aley. An actor/dancer and fashion blogger respectively. I.e. a waitress and an online shopper. I’m seriously putting that Logie vote in for these job descriptions. All up, there are six Bitch Crashers. Now, I don’t wanna say who just yet, but I am pretty sure at least one of them has a penis.

To say the original bitches are pissed is an understatement like no other. They are SAAAAAAAAHH pissed you can almost see them turn red under the layers of fake tan.

Bane/Laurina has a HR meeting with Blake and informs him he has breached her trust and she’s going to report him to the Supervisor for emotional trauma. Her eyebrows try to cry but it’s a lost cause. But credit where credit’s due; Blake Vader might be Channel 10’s tall, chocolate puppet, but despite this, he pulls out some of the most impressive sweet talking since Boyz II Men’s last record. Laurina melts like Tori Spelling’s boobs on a hot day.

On the other hand Sam, who usually loves to announce to anybody with ears that she is funny and dorky, does a complete Linda Blair and 180-ies on poor Vader. He tries to talk to her privately too but she is not having a bar of it and all the other bitches are stunned because no one EVER says no to The Bachelor.

Eventually she agrees to go and chat outside and his voice over tells us that Sam was feeling a lot of feelings and feelings are important because he feels things for her in his feelings. Feelings. His voice drops so many octaves that he becomes inaudible again. Props to Sam for being able to decipher a bloody word of that. Whatever Trevor, must have worked, because she looks happy again and is escorted back to the Red Room of Pain. (While we’re on this, we were able to see Sam from the back as she walked into the Mansion, and jussayin, girlfriend needs to run a comb through that hair.)

Craydar readings are spiraling out of control inside, as Canadian Horse Whisperer loses her shit. Um…just quietly, bitch needs to Stem. Her. Flow. Not only is she crying and wailing and just being a complete nutcase, but she’s saying lots of big words like, “devalued” and “depreciating” and comparing this show to being on the stock market. Because dating nine girls is OK but dating fifteen girls is like, not OK and how very dare he depreciate her stock.

Call of the night, though, goes to Cara who proclaims that this incident is a, “travesty of justice.” Now, I’m not 100% sure this even makes logical sense, but if it does, I’d bet my weave that that is completely not what this is. Cara, your face is a travesty of justice.

ROSE CEREMONY

The original bitches are giving serious stank eye because Hachael/Holly 2.0 gets a rose BEFORE some of them! Her facial expression still doesn’t change though, in case you were wondering.

Then Mufasa goes to offer Canadian Horse Whisperer a rose, but something dramatic is happening and Omigosh she is mouthing “sorry” to the other bitches and hesitating and I can’t deal because is she quitting? My emotions are reaching breaking point because I hate her but I love her and I’m so torn I just can’t even! But then she storms out onto the balcony like a cry baby and every viewer in Australia is just thinking SHUT. IT. DOWN. But also don’t because this bitch is making my life.

Luckily for us, Vader offers her a lifetime supply of maple syrup and bacon and she pulls herself together and joins the other bitches in the Bat Cave. Crisis averted.

In case anybody cared, two of the intruder bitches don’t get a rose. The one without lips and another girl who needs a good steak sandwich and chips.

So now the numbers are back into the healthy two digits. Will Vader discover which intruder has man parts? Will we see Louise without red lipstick on? Will Sam borrow Cara’s brush and do her hair properly? Sah many questions.

Join me next week when Richard Mercer demonstrates the completely non-sexist values of this show by pitting the bitches against each other in a Bake-Off.

 

 

intruders

So much manliness