Archive | August, 2013

The Five People You Hate on Facebook. Lesson Two: Spammers

19 Aug

‘Like this blog to see something amazing happen!’

Oh wait, sorry, nothing happens. I just want more likes on my page. But thanks for falling for it.

Really, it was just a matter of time before Facebookland & other such spheres were permeated by spam. At first, it was offensive sideline advertising suggesting you might be in need of more effective bladder control products. But nowadays, spammers live & post amongst us.

The sad & irritating fact is that many don’t know they’re doing it.

Guys, I realise it is horribly tempting to click on an article that promises you’ll ‘…see what this hot bitch can do’.  But I am here to tell you that she doesn’t do anything but embarrass you when it comes up on my feed.  And I am judging you.

Just buy porn.

The thing is, so much of my social media feed is taken up by advertising and spam, its rare that I actually receive good quality stalking material.

Now obviously, I use social media to advertise and promote this blog.  I’m sorry, I’m poor and pretty limited at public relations.  But at least my blog is written by me and about me.  So I guess its kind of like a very long status update.

But here is my list of the more non-acceptable spammers who you just wish you could smack a little:

1.  The ‘Falls for Everything’ Spammer:  Hey bleeding heart, you realise that those photos of some kid holding a sign saying ‘If I get 1 Million Likes, my Dad will buy me a pony!” ARE NOT REAL!  They are stupid people using their children to gain attention.  And even if they were real, do you actually think buying little Timmy a pony simply because he got 1 million likes from strangers on facebook is smart parenting?  All that happens is you give them what they want, and your activity shows up in your friends’ feeds and annoys them.

2.  The ‘Motivational Molly’ Spammer:  This one is harder for me to discuss without looking like a total bitch.  But se la vie.  Sweeties, I am so happy for you that you are in a great mood/got a promotion/lost 20 kgs.  Really.  But I don’t need a motivational picture of a sunrise on the hour every hour to remind me.  I know people with entire albums dedicated to lame-o memes of kittens and quotes from Ghandi.  I’m not trying to be the happy police, but MODERATION PLEASE!  Sometimes, when I’m hungover, fighting with everyone and being buried underneath piles of work, your post of a smiling dolphin makes me want to strangle myself with my own scarf.

3.  The ‘Come To My Event x 1000!’ Spammer:  One of the true beauties of Facebook is the potential for free advertising and invitations.  Creating an Event online not only saves lots of time but also paper.  And I am all for reducing the carbon footprint, if you don’t hardly mind.  BUT inviting me more than twice to the same event will not reduce my footprint on your ass.  Chances are, I did receive it the first time and I am just too lazy to respond.  Or I already know I’m not going.  Inviting me again is not going to change that.  And furthermore, tagging me in your event photo is also equally incriminating.  I AM NOT IN THAT PHOTO!  Anyone who wishes to stalk me will obvi be looking for photographs.  What if they stumble on a photo of your event that I am apparently connected to?  What if your event was crap?  What if a potential employee looks me up?  What if your event photo has inappropriate content in it or just looks dumb? Oh gosh, it’s all so confusing! Furthermore, telling me your event is ‘selling fast’ or ‘selling out’.  That’s a lie.  According to the dictionary definition, something isn’t selling ‘fast’ if, after two months, its still available.**

4.  The Product Brown-Noser Spammer:  Very tricky, this one.  And equally confusing.  But are people secretly working for Price Waterhouse Coopers (or some other mass, generic company that owns everything)?  I don’t understand!  Case in point:  someone I follow on Instagram posts a photo of a bottle of juice/smoothie or something.  She then captions it “Loving my delicious @productname smoothie this morning!” followed by a thousand hashtags.   ???????  Are they paying you to say that?  Are you hoping they’ll give you free stuff for it?  What’s the deal?!  Or on Facebook the other day, I had a friend tag the brand of kettle bell he was using at the gym.  ME NO COMPREHENDE! I guess the real crux of this category is that the people who do it are mostly mass offenders.  They’ll try and tag their shoes, their face cream, their water, their yoghurt.  Whoever you people are, you frighten me.  Are you working undercover?

**At this point, it is probably wise of me to raise my guilty hand and admit that I used to partake in some of the aforementioned activities.  Mainly spamming people to come to my events.  Because I am an interstate resident of Melbourne and, for a long time, didn’t have many friends.  And I am sorry.  Be assured I have amended my ways and am on the road to rehabilitation.

I hope this post has encouraged you to do some self-reflection.  Are you an unknowing spammer?  It’s OK if you are, we can work on this together.

Now can everyone please go back to posting stalker-worthy material.  My day is not going to procrastinate itself.