Sorry for going MIA last week, y’all. I tumbled into a never-ending pit of rehearsals, Codral and despair that not even my rage over straight-up queer baiting could pull me out of.
At first I thought I’d maybe missed a heap of der-rama and stuff, but, turns out I kind of…didn’t? Well, unless you count Simone quickly losing all senses of logic and yelling a lot… Oh, and Megan just kissing a long-haired Canadian dude and not Elora how dare you Channel 10 I am very mad about this.
It seems as though the shenanigans on Sex Island are becoming as monotonous as the 400 skinny, blonde women who live there. (Honestly, when they all stand next to each other, I couldn’t pick them from a line-up!)
#diversity.
The big news tonight is that Flo is coming back in, or, Cyclone Florence as they’ve tried to nickname her which doesn’t really work anymore because, based on the incredibly shit weather they seem to be getting, the cyclone has already made it’s way to the Fijian shore and the only person getting any sort of colour is still Jarrod.
Was there a little part of me that enjoyed watching Jake sweat through his flamingo tennis shorts about Flo coming back and calling out his f*** boi ways? Obviously. Was it as satisfying as I was hoping? Obviously not. (Also what I imagine having sex with Jake might be like, I mean…what?)
So Keira and Jarrod are now offish a couple because Keira forced Jarrod to say she was his girlfriend and part of me hates but also loves this couple because I honestly think they’ve been the biggest players on this whole season if the rumours about them already being a couple are true. Well played you two. Although, side note, I still believe the true love story on this show is that between Keira and her mango daiquiri but don’t tell Jarrod cos he’ll probably get heaps angry and I fear for his blood vessels.
A match made in television heaven.
Leah talks to American Jared about how him giving her his rose really meant something and that maybe they should become allies again so she doesn’t have to threaten to leave all the time, but AJ is just like, “Naaaaahhh…that was a pity rose because stupid Thomas got to Rachael first. Soz mate.”
Leah is very upset at this because how dare her back-up option give her a pity rose. Life is so unfair on Sex Island.
Flo has arrived by now and has said Jake’s name more times than Leah has said she’s going to leave and honestly I’m so glad I pre-chilled an entire bottle of rose.
Osher drops in looking far too smug for what he’s about to say, and delivers the news that Flo is the last person to come into Paradise, so, if they haven’t gotten themselves a bae yet, the odds are looking pretty damn slim. (Meanwhile Wais is still available and still the real MVP here so…jussayin).
This is all the motivation Leah needs to announce she’s DEFINITELY LEAVING this time and goes and packs her shoes in a plastic shopping bag like any regular 25-year old.
Everyone to Leah.
Poor American Jared barely sees her leave as he’s too busy walking forlornly down the beach in sandals, thinking about what happened at the Rose Ceremony with Thomas and Rachael. Tbh, as my housemate so deftly pointed out – the real problem here is that AJ wears sandals on the beach can someone do something about this?
The producers are still trying to f*** shit up, so they give ANOTHER date card to Thomas (I guess he did cry on a park bench last week) and my cold heart broke a little bit for American Jared. Honestly, FINALLY a woman shows genuine interest in him, and then the producers sweep in with a master plan to have her distracted by someone else. What is this vendetta against American Jared??! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
Australia suuuuuux.
Lucky for Thomas though I guess, who has now had more date cards in a week than Simone ever got in an entire show season lol.
Obviously Thomas picks Rachael who goes on a date with him to a putt-putt range in her bike shorts. Thomas calls them “yoga wear” but okay. They were definitely bike shorts, trust me.
Ummm…yeah they go on a date and Thomas is happy that there are cheese and crackers. He obviously doesn’t have too many troubles with dairy farts so good for him.
Rachael does say something mildly alarming about herself always wanting more in third person but Thomas isn’t too phased so good for him?
They pash. You can practically hear American Jared start crying into his Malibu pineapple.
NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE FORM OF TARA AND SAM!
Tara has finally received her own date card and immediately takes Sam because they are hopelessly in love and it’s the only reason anyone is still watching this show.
They dance for a bit and gush over each other and it’s beyond adorable and I am totally here for it. Even better, once they get to their random sex couch, Sam tells Tara he loves her and she says she loves him back and I think my cold, dead heart just skipped a beat!
True couple goals.
Honestly, I don’t even notice Sam’s hair anymore because I AM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH TARA. Everyone can just go home now because these two win everything.
Speaking of going home, Eden does just that. Basically it’s because he still thinks there’s a chance for him and Elora even though he pranked her with a fake letter and smooshed food into her face and she is just like, no, we are good friends, I am Apollo’s soulmate, didn’t you get the memo?
Eden looks disappointed at this news and then kinda just gets up and strolls on out with no goodbyes. Elora goes back and tells the group that he left because he wanted her to have a good time in Paradise and not hold her back and he was worried about her or something? Anyway, it’s all basically about Elora and not the true fact that the man wasn’t getting any puss so he’s out.
Side note: Keira calling out Elora for being supremely self-centred was the second best thing to happen all night she is a national treasure I swear to God.
See ya Eden. I don’t know how I feel about you anymore but maybe if I keep following you on Instagram I might make a decision.
Make good choices, bebe!
Ummm…I think that’s it.
No wait…Jake and Flo talk things out and in a weird way they bloody deserve each other I’m so bored of all of them.
Except Apollo – where was he tonight?
That's What She Said... 
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