Archive | August, 2015

The Bachelor Season 3: The One I Couldn’t See

28 Aug

So here’s the thing.

 

I couldn’t watch last night’s episode, which has actually turned out quite well for me since, due to the alleged dating-in-the-dark theme I’ve been informed about, I can now proudly use the above lame title pun because that’s exactly who I am as a person.

 

So instead of trying to watch the episode on the internets and use up all my data, I had my clever ghost writer compile some notes which I am now going to transpose into this post. They are bloody hilarious and I am legit interested to see if I can make sense of notes from a show I did not see at all. Considering it’s Bachie we’re talking about, and not ‘Inception’, I reckon I might be ok.

 

Here we go…

 

The producers want to remind us how dramatic and scary last episode was when Bitch Face decided to walk out of the rose ceremony on her own free will. Free will is scary.

The original bitches are doing their bloody best to find out erry little detail about intruder bitches and why they could POSSIBLY be here. Ebru is particularly upset and confused as to why the new bitches are even interested in Woody; she thinks they are a new type of bitch who have wandered onto the wrong show because they couldn’t possibly be here to bone Woody…. babe. Think about it, please.

(P.s Ebru is clearly going home tonight given that she has had more air time in the first ten minutes of this ep than the entire series thus far. And she is wearing a hideous velour headband.)

Some choice panning shots of The Mansion that Spotlight Built and, lemme just say, the grounds keeper must be using flipping elf blood to maintain those wisteria, because they are on fleek. The bitches gather around the Mess Hall and talk about how ‘different’ it is waking up in the mansion now that there are so many new bitches trying to get their mitts on communal boyfriend, Sam.

Because the producers clearly want to make Ebru the mean villain tonight, they show her saying how much she hates the intruders. Again. #subtle.

Nina tells us there will be drama tonight, because there are new bitches and if an old bitch gets ditched for a new bitch then bad feelings will happen.

Original bitches continue to question intruder bitches and New bitch – Blonde Tall Bitch #4 (Rachel?) is all, “back off, stahp asking me shit, I don’t even know you and do not want to be your friend. KK thnxbye.”

Osher appears from the door way and what… no tailoring at all, just a shirt from Cotton On. This show’s budget concerns are deeper than we think, guys. To try and distract everyone from this, he pulls out some GOLDEN LOPES! Cool But Not So Girl Heather keeps saying she wants ‘Ebs’ to have the date this week. Not sure why considering she is boring as feck and is clearly the new mean villain that everyone should hate now.

Don matta, cause Heather gets a second date anyways. Lol!

Sweet Valley High, the second envelope is… a GROUP DATE! (Thank you for listening to my prayers, Channel 10). The bitches seem excited except for Nina who is angry about something, but I didn’t care enough to write it down.

They all fanny downstairs to find Osher who explains the group date is a date about attraction; it sounds science-y because he uses serious science-y terminology, but it is basically just a boner test in the dark. Science. Allow me to put it in riddle form for you: How much wood would a woody-giving bitch give if a woody bitch and Woody can’t see the wood? The real question.

Because this date is definitely not about the fact that they are running out of money fast, the group date is just a lot of eating in the dark. The bitches and Woody start talking shit in the dark and Parmigiana points out that it’s really dark in the room. They are eating Chinese food and it looks as though they have forgotten that there are no staff here to pour their champers and clean their shit when they are on dates. Someone has to clean all the shit they are dropping on the floor and table. Turns out a lot of them are just Neanderthals with a spray tan.

Now here’s a question: what is the most unsexy thing ever?

Blindly mashing food into your own face? Wrong! It’s blindly mashing food into someone else’s face whilst a national audience watch on.

The new bitches flank Woody at the table and BTB#4 is still v v uptight for someone on a national program in a dark-eating boner competition. On the other hand, Lana has definitely done this before because she is playing Woody like a fiddle.

Because she was able to speak to Woody without being completely snore-worthy or dropping beef and blackbean all over his chinos.

 

eating in dark

I can really taste our connection.

 

The original bitches are obvi upset, but still respect Lana for ‘going for it’. Hashtag gogirl!

After the spine-tingling events of the group date, it’s on to Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s second date which is diabetes themed.

He picks her up in an ice cream truck which is weird because it kinda just looks like she is on some rando stretch of highway getting picked up in an icecream truck. I think this is the producers trying to show how “fun” Woody is because he totally chose to drive this embarrassment machine.

They go to some garden and there is a diabetes buffet waiting for them. This look like it’s meant to be a Masterchef promo but it doesn’t fly. Another random chef comes out and announces that he hopes they enjoy getting diabetes. Woody and Heather begin eating the “dessert dirt” but given their bodies we all know neither have touched an artificial sugar since 2001. They both pretend to eat the chocolate. They talk about how chilled they both are and I’m pretty sure she calls him Man and Dude again.

 

ice cream truck

This is definitely about fun and not about budget cuts..

 

After their delicious diabetes buffet, they move to a second location to drink away the diabetes. They have boring convo about their “connection” and their “understanding” of each other and continue talking about nothing, until finally they actually get around to stating what their ‘connection’ is. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that Cool But Not So Cool Girl can be her cool self around Woody. Woody seems surprised by this; he is confused as to why she would be anyone else, especially on a TV show where you are yourself pitted against other bitches being themselves.

They kiss. She gets a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion (now affectionately known as the Elf Garden) the original bitches are outside bitching about the intruder bitches. Funnily enough, the intruder bitches are inside bitching about the original bitches.

They keep saying the same things over and over again and I really want Sandra back so that something interesting can happen.

Cocktail Party!

Heather begins retelling her date to the bitches when Woody casually walks in. I mean, how awkward is it when one of your gfs tells the other gfs the details of your communal boyfriend’s tongue and texture (she didn’t say that but she should have because her explanation of their kiss was BOR-RING).

It’s now all about the intruder bitches vs. original bitches for a Rose Ceremony show down. The producers are clearly setting them up to hate each other and all I can think is how much I want Blonde Tall Bitch #4 to be a biter or a face-slapper since she seems like the bitchiest bitch now that Emily has left. As mentioned earlier, Ebru is OBVI going home because,“if I were to go home before the new girls I would be devastated.”

She definitely has a lot to say before she becomes a loser who needs to leave the temple of feminism.

Osher’s hair and wardrobe is on point again. Someone give it a raise.

Lana gets a rose.

Nina bitches about not getting the first rose.

Nina gets the second rose.

Blonde Tall Bitch #4 says she wants to stay.

Parma gets a rose.

Underscore music reaches fantasy-adventure-crescendo level shit.

Sarah gets a rose.

Cue fast strings and cymbals.

Nina talks about how Blonde Tall Bitch #4 is the worst and will be going home but erryone knows that is not true because Ebru is leaving fo sho.

For no discernible reason Blonde Tall Bitch #4 gets the last rose over Ebru.

Ebru and her velour headband leave in a Nissan.

 

giphysabrina gif

Intruders be like…

 

Nina looks shocked because she doesn’t understand anything apart from cars and weddings.

 

The end.

 

So how’d we do?

 

xx

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Omigawd, Intruders!

27 Aug

*Spoiler alert*

This post contains Intruder Bitches. But I’m pretty sure you already picked that up from the barrage of promos and shots of Woody’s surprise face shown throughout the week.

But one thing at a time.

No water-related poignancy, no work outs, no Rose Maths tonight. No Woody at all. We are zooming straight into the Mess Hall at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, where the bitches are clearly sitting around fresh from the last rose ceremony. Heather’s farcical fishtail braid/shetland pony hairdo is a dead give away.

Parmigiana is dressed conveniently in a Star Wars pyjama top. Because she likes Star Wars. Remember, guys? Remember when Woody had that random dessert chef make her that random Pokemon-looking dessert that was meant to look like the Death Star and then delivered it to that random garden that was meant to look like Little Italy? Yep. Continuity.

Osher’s here. He looks serious. He solemnly tells the bitches that Woody is having a super hard time dating all seven of them and coming up with new forms of transport that fit within the budget is stretching his Bachie brain a little thin.

So, obviously, the single date goes to his one-time Bali love, Bec, and, obvi, they are going to take a flippin HELICOPTER!

As Bec waits out on the front lawn for Bachie to pretend to land the thing, she explains how “blown away” she is by this gesture that Woody had nothing to do with.

 

bec wind

Helicopter: You’re doing it wrong.

 

Surprise surprise! They go to an indoor sky diving arena/centre/space station thing. Guys, if you hadn’t already picked up on it, I think the theme for this date is #air.

Now, I dunno about you, but “indoor sky diving” is kind of not a thing. As in, being blown about by a large industrial fan is NOT the same as legit jumping from a tiny plane into the actual sky. But ten points for enthusiasm.

Once in their sexy jumpsuits, the two of them flap about in this “sky diving tank” thing where an instructor holds them by the waist and stops them from face planting. It is super dooper romantic. Because it just wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor without some serious facial flapping and Passion of the Christ action.

 

sky diving

How it’s done, bitchez.

 

After the exertion of their non-sky-diving activities, Bec and Woody retire to an outdoor rotunda somewhere in suburban Sydney to talk about that time they drank a bucket of Sex of The Beach and sucked face in Bali.

Bec talks a LOT about her walls and how she has trust issues, which seems logical considering she’s on a televised dating show. Woody does his best to give a f*ck about her feelings, but eventually is just like….I’m out.

He tells her that it’s just going to take too much work for his wrecking ball to crash through her emotional walls, and really, ain’t nobody got time for that. Wife-hunting is a cutthroat business.

 

And…

 

She goes home.

Does not pass GO, does not collect $200. Woody has already phoned ahead and had them bring her bags, all packed and ready for Loserville.

 

dr who bye

Bachie be like…

 

The date is over quicker than you can say Bintang.

 

Upon return to the mansion, Woody holds a press conference with his six other potential wives and tells them that Bec no longer wanted to put out so he sent her packing. This is v v rude because, obviously, only Osher can hold serious press conferences. He is going to be pissed.

The other bitches pretend to be shocked/sad that one of their competitors has been taken out.

The next morning, Woody decides to show up to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with his sacrificial bananas to cook the bitches breakfast. Yayyyy!

The producers were clearly hoping that more bitches would resemble toe rags fresh out of bed, but alas, they just look like themselves without makeup on. BORING!

Bitch Face Emily has the nerve to not come bounding straight downstairs as soon as Woody arrives and so she is immediately in the bad books, how very dare she. In her defence, she stayed up last night doing her roots. She makes up for it though with a smart breakfast scarf.

On the other hand, Woody is v impressed with Heather’s butt flap.

 

breakfast scarf

Shoulda worn a butt flap.

 

Still sad about having to do a sneaky bye-bye to one of his girlfriends Bachie is going to take another bitch out on a single date to make up for it this week, which again means no group date. Waaah!

Busy Businesswoman Sarah is chosen for her second date and Ebru is suuuuuuuper happy about it.

If you recall, last time Sarah and Woody met up, they cruised around on a yacht, no big deal, sipping Yellow and talking about each other’s eyes.

This time, Sarah is escorted from her lady prison in a water taxi.

I’m guessing her next date will involve a boogie board or some sort of floating dinghy?

Woody takes BBS to his “Bachie Pad” which is apparently just a vine-covered bike shed conveniently on the water front of Sydney Harbour.

 

shed

What the shed is this?!

 

Woody has picked up on the fact that BBS really likes wine, so he thought he might be incredibly romantic and make her wear a blindfold and guess all the different wines he has conveniently not bought for her.

HOLD UP.

Sam, I dunno if you know the female kind, but any self-respecting woman knows her Savvy B’s from her Pinot Noirs. It’s just an in-built skill we are born with.

But I guess now we can add Sommelier to the list of required wife skills, along with bubble soccer and treasure digging.

No surprises here, Sarah guesses erry damn one correctly because she is a business woman and doesn’t have time for dicking about. Her reward is picking the one she liked best to share with her communal boyfriend.

She explains that she picked the Rose hoping Woody might take the hint and give her a rose.

Babe.

The dude doesn’t know what Friend Zoning is. Nor does he actually know what ‘misunderstanding’ means. I doubt this subtle hint is gonna go anywhere. He’s a personal trainer, not a linguist.

The rest of the date is very vanilla. But she gets a rose, blah blah. Her subtle hints worked. We don’t see BBS go home because that bloody helicopter blew out the whole week’s budget, but I’m sure however she left had something to do with a Nissan. Or public transport.

 

Cocktail Party.

In case you didn’t already know, INTRUDERS enter the mansion tonight. Osher comes in and looks concerned; he’s probably going to tell Woody off for trying to steal his job with that whole ‘press conference’ trick he pulled earlier.

They go outside and Woody looks suitably scared, until Oshie tells him that, in fact, he is being gifted with two more lady friends in sparkly dresses. AND HERE THEY ARE!

Intruder #1: Lana

Brown haired, big eyes, likes yoga and golf. They seem to be focusing a lot on her hands… maybe she’s secretly married and the producers are sending us a clue? They talk about golf and Woody wonders whether Lana just might be his ace in the hole, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Intruder #2: Rachel

Blonde-haired, food-blogger….and…that’s all I remember. Except I’m almost positive she is the same bitch from earlier in the season back for another crack at it and “food blogger” is her alias because we all know it really just means unemployed.

 

rachel clone

Tall Bitch #4, is that you??

 

Nina is first to spot them, hence the infamous catch cry OMIGAWD! OMIGAWD, GUYS INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS, OMIGAWD!

The original bitches cannot believe that the producers who made them eat duck chin are seriously bringing in more women for Woody’s Lady Buffet, I mean, what what WHAT is happening? This is so UNEXPECTED!

Despite their initial panic, the original bitches are semi-polite and talk to the two new date crashers like everything’s cool. Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather plays it relatively cool and is just all, “jump right in! Plenty Wood to spare!”

Ebru, on the other hand, is not having a bar of it, and proclaims that, “these women might steal Sam off of us! And they are literally staying in OUR house!”

Poor Ebs clearly does not understand how monogamy or real estate works.

While someone takes Ebru aside and explains the whole concept of this show to her, Woody gets a moment with Bitch Face Emily who is reaching critical Bitch Face levels after the harrowing night they have had.

Their conversation is a bit tense, so to diffuse this problem, Emily goes straight for the question all hot girls love to ask: How do you see me?

DER-RAMA!

Woody basically tells her that she’s, well…a bitch. Bitch Face is shocked at this admission that she might be a bitch, because it is obviously all Nina’s fault that she is being a bitch and that Woody thinks she is bitchy, stupid Nina. Emily is still standing by that “I’m an open book” line, but from what I can see, all the chapters seem to be about Nina.

 

Rose Ceremony!

With all this der-rama flying about, tonight’s ceremony is sure to be action-packed.

Intruder #1 gets a rose.

Heather, Parmigiana and Ebru get roses.

Intruder #2 gets a rose.

Which, surprise surprise, leaves Bitch Face Emily and Hot Rod Nina to fight it out.

However, being left standing next to her most hated person in the entire world is basically the biggest travesty of justice for Emily, and before Woody has a chance to listen into his earpiece for who he needs to keep, she just…walks out.

And he just watches her go, like no big deal.

Honestly, this guy is starting to win points with me. He is sassing chicks left, right and centre. He is the new Kanye West.

 

emily walks out

Yeah, byyyeeee.

 

Meanwhile Nina is left standing there like tits on a bull.

“Umm…. Nina. This rose was ALWAYS meant for you and legit has nothing to do with the fact that one of my girlfriends just walked out on me on national TV.”

All the other bitches rejoice.

Emily has taken her breakfast scarf and supply of Nice’n’Easy and is on her not-so-merry way, still certain that the last rose was clearly meant for her. Hot girl logic.

 

I for one will miss her terribly. If this was Melrose Place, she would be Heather Locklear. And that makes me sad.

 

heather locklear

You’re all boring without me.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The Race for Wood

21 Aug

Bitches, start your engines!

 

Wait… I feel like I’ve said that before?

 

That’s right, I did. I used that same line last year when He Who Shall Not Be Named took his harem of bitches race car driving.

Either I need to get some new jokes or this show is running out of ideas. Or maybe fast driving is a legit wife skill that must be tested each year?

Anyhoo, welcome to the Race That Stops the Nation. Because this episode is all about a race, Woody starts us off by strolling through a paddock of race horses, talking about the race for his heart and how time is racing away from them. #symbolism.

Back at the Mess Hall, the bitches are drinking their Skinny Detox Tea when Osher arrives with a thick package from Sam.

 

package

Exhibit A: Sam’s thick package.

 

GROUP DATE!

No surprises here, it’s something about racing. Nina can barely keep a lid on it, she’s so keen. Turns out she’s been harbouring some serious bogan tendencies in those crop tops she’s so fond of.

She admits she’s quite the rev head and all of a sudden I can picture all of these alleged weddings she plans and finally I understand who is keeping pink Hummers in business….

 

this guy

This guy.

 

At the Speedway of Dreams, Osher tells them they are about to compete in The Bachelor Grand Prix and literally race for Sam’s Wood. Which would almost sound bad ass, if it weren’t for the glorified dodgem cars they get into.

Now that Jasmin’s Jaw has returned to the world where feminism exists (real life), the producers have cottoned on that the pool of cray is quickly dwindling. And since Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather has been managing to play it relatively cool of late, these producers have suddenly decided that Emily doesn’t hate her anymore but hates Nina instead.

WHOAH! DER-RAMA!

Emily proclaims that her sole intention today is to beat Nina because the producers told her to she doesn’t like her and her love of cars.

Osher starts the Wood race and Emily is off quicker than a housewife at a Myer sale. See ya, bitchez!

She is not giving any f*&#s who she crashes into because it’s obviously v v important that she shows how serious she is about winning Wood by being really competitive.

Meanwhile, that Rachel lady is laggin like a proper old nana driver… the other bitches are lapping her every few minutes. Kind of like they’re lapping you in life, babe.

 

granny driving

 

Things take an awkward turn for the worse when Nina thinks she has won and makes a big freaking song and dance about it until Osher informs her that, actually, Emily slayed erryones’s asses by 7 whole seconds and she is just so gracious in her victory you’d think Princess Diana was back in the room. Nina obvi takes it really well.

And OBVI Emily’s reward is uninterrupted Woody time. With a glass of champs. YAY DAY DRINKING!

Sitting on a bench fashioned of old car tyres, it becomes clear that maybe Woody isn’t the biggest fan of young Bitch Face Emily and her negative tude. Especially when she smugly tells him how happy she is to have beaten Nina.

Woody no likey.

Woody confused.

“I’m not sure if it’s really about love or winning with Emily,” he laments.

Dude, she LITERALLY just had to win something so that she could have this conversation with you about winning a race so you could wonder if she was about winning or not. #bachielogic.

As usual, Emily doesn’t seem to give too much of a f*%# and just sips her daytime champs like no big deal.

After the celebration of gender equality is over, back at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, the bitches are casually lounging about the Rotunda waiting for something interesting to happen. Of course talk turns to their communal boyfriend and who is going to get the next single date because that is literally the only chance any of them have of escaping their interior decorated prison for more than 5 minutes.

The logical choice for single date WOULD be this Rachel/Random Blonde Lady who I have legit never seen Woody say two bloody words to but who he has nevertheless continued to gift with roses. I mean, I know they say to keep a bit of mystery about you ladies, but this is pushing it! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!

Not important enough to get a single date, apparently, because Parmigiana is in fact getting a second run at Mt Woody. You can actually see Rachel’s face fall at the news and for a moment there I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered I was watching The Bachelor where rational and dignified decisions are kind of like Ian Thorpe’s failed line of jewellery; non-existent. (Remember when that nearly happened, guys?)

Woody realizes that there are still some girls in the house (Rachel) who he has yet to take on one single date, however, he just HAD to see Parma again because….. he wants to bone her real bad. He didn’t say those words, but I’m reading between the lines here.

He picks her up in a vintage speedboat, driven by a poor old dude who looks like he’s about 90. It’s good to see Channel 10 are still employing Higgins from last year.

 

 eddie boat

Weeeee! True love!

 

The aforementioned boat is aptly named La Dolce Vita, or as Woody calls is, “La Dulchi Voita. It moines tha saweet loife!” #straya.

Teaming with the Italian theme (because Parmigiana is Italian food, right?) off they trot to Woody’s very own version of Little Italy i.e. a couch and a stall of sponsorship produce in the back garden of some unsuspecting Sydney resident. YAY MULTICULTURALISM!

Cue montage of pizza-making and shots of South Cape products and phallic-looking meats and vegetables. (“Look at all this moit!” – S. Wood, 2015). This is just an unsubtle representation of all the boning they want to do, but because it’s only 7.30pm, they settle for throwing flour at each other instead.

 

la dolce

Forehead sex is back, guys.

 

After Parma’s had time to digest Woody’s pepperoni, HELLO RANDOM WAITER MAN WHO HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE! Unnamed waiter man drops off a strange, sphere-shaped concoction that Woody says is meant to be the Death Star dessert.

 

 

Sorry, what?

 

 

There are so many things wrong with this moment, I just don’t have enough time to process it.

Woody tells her how totally fine he is with the fact that she has a daughter because he is totally fine with kids and it would be totally fine to date a woman with a kid.

They then spoon-feed each other and say how good the other tastes. #sex. If Parma plays her cards right, she might just walk away with Woody’s love child. Or just pash rash.

 

Meanwhile….

Casually hanging out at the Rotunda, the bitches are once again trying to find interesting things to say that aren’t about Sam, but are failing miserably. Talk soon turns to Parma and how hot she is and that Woody finds her really hot. All of a sudden, and definitely not because she was prompted to by producers, Nina blurts out that Parma and Woody had a sneaky suck-face on the group date! Bitches be like…

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

Our boyfriend did WHAT?!

While Nina slinks away into the background.

whoops gif

Did I say something bad?

Obviously, this is meant to set us up for a super bitchy showdown at the cocktail party between Parmigiana and Emily’s new mortal enemy, Nina. (Who she astutely labelled as being “disingenuine”. Yeah, English!)

Nina takes Parma outside to make her confession and is all like, “I feel super bad about telling you this but I need to get it off my chest that I totally told our communal boyfriend’s other girlfriends that you sucked face with our communal boyfriend on a group date that we were also on and I didn’t mean to tell anyone but now the other girlfriends are outraged and seem super mad but it was an accident and had nothing to do with ratings at all so I’m like, totes sorry.”

Luckily Parma possesses a somewhat normal brain and forgives her. Bitchy Showdown avoided. Quick! Someone get Emily out here to say something mean!

 

Nope, too late. It’s Rose Ceremony time.

Twitter is all abuzz that Emily has delivered her last barb and will be sent packing, but I’m not so sure. Despite her bitchy remarks and the brain damage it obviously inflicted on Woody, he is still hoping to bone her and she is the most interesting thing on this show now; she ain’t goin anywhere, y’all!

Oh no, that Rachel person didn’t get a rose. Everyone looks a bit surprised that the woman they thought was their hairdresser is being sent home. Woody assures her she is an amazing, amazing woman for someone he has never met and she seems happy about that.

Byyyyeeee random Rachel lady.

 

pocahontas bye

xx

P.S   INTRUDER BITCHES ENTER THE BATCAVE NEXT WEEK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: It’s a Ho-Down!

20 Aug

Heel toe, heel toe, promenade and do-si-do your partner!

#straya.

 

Guys, I don’t know about you, but gosh I learnt a whole new set of husband-catching skills tonight. This really is the show that keeps on giving.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #1 – Get excited!

As in, you must be excited about ALL OF THE THINGS ALL OF THE TIME!

We cut straight to the Mansion that Spotlight Built, bypassing all potential water-related work outs or poignant mathematics by Woody. Osher breezes in while the bitches pretend to miss Jacinda and presents Bitch Face Emily with the single date card.

Girlfriend cracks a rare smile then goes back to her peppermint tea like she couldn’t give a f*ck.

 

cinderella gif

 

The other bitches are super outraged and offended that she didn’t jump up and down and whip her panties out the window.

Obviously she is no good. When you compete for a boyfriend on national TV you MUST ensure that you display maximum excitement levels whenever you get to spend time with potential boyfriend.

Hopefully I get to use this skill soon by clapping and squealing joyously the next time a man speaks to me in person. I think I’d be good at it.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #2 – Be good at digging.

Emily’s date card says something about “treasure the time we spend together” or words equally as naff. That Rachel person surmises that maybe it’s a treasure hunt? Lolzz Rach, good one you old joker, you… oh no, wait….yeah…. they are LITERALLY going on a treasure hunt. (Guys, when the bitches start correctly reading between the lines of your date cards, it’s time to hire new writers.)

Woody explains that his relationship with Bitch Face is purely physical which is code for ‘non-existant’ since they do not know each other at all. But he finds her hot and would like to bone her. #sex.

And for that she is rewarded with a treasure hunt that is over in 3 minutes. I mean, the first clue was “hidden” on her paddle board. Nice work, Channel 10 intern.

They reach the final clue on the beach and then Woody makes her dig for his love. They literally dig a funking treasure box out of the funking sand.

Zamels must have their new catalogue out because it’s a lovely non-diamond bracelet that Woody totally bought himself and has nothing to do with sponsorship. Bitch Face looks happy about it.

 

treasure island

I LOVE Zamels!

 

So if you see me around in the next few weeks, my nails will no longer be manicured in case any potential husband requires me to dig some sort of mystery item out of the earth.

And in case you were wondering, this whole date was a snore fest. Even Emily was having trouble staying awake. But she gets a rose. NEXT!

 

Husband-Catching Skill #3 – Drive a Nissan

Yeah, that pretty much says it all.

#sponsorship.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #4 – Grab things with your mouth.

The group date this week is to a farm/deserted outback town somewhere in rural NSW. Because Woody totally organised this whole shebang, he has Osher come and stand next to him and explain all the details to the enraptured bitches while he stands there and thinks about the outdoor dunny he used to have as a kid.

Jasmin’s jaw is already not impressed by her surrounds, but has tried to be a good sport about this whole outdoor/nature thing and worn her best leopard-print scarf.

Firstly, the logical thing to do when on a farm with your communal boyfriend is bob for apples. Actually, make that participate in an apple bobbing competition with 7 other women while your communal boyfriend referees that is good clean fun and has absolutely nothing to do with blow job technique. GO FEMINISM!

The ladies soon discover that boobs present a serious obstacle to getting ones head into the bucket so, just to reaffirm their status as strong, independent women, they start an unofficial wet t-shirt competition.

 

bobbing

This is not sexual at all.

 

Heather is pronounced the most skilled at grabbing things with her mouth; a title she seems v v proud of. Because they’re in the country, her reward is five uninterrupted Woody minutes making lemonade! YEAH! THE COUNTRY!

At this point, my friend, who legit grew up in the country, remarked:

You wanna know how many times I made lemonade? Zero times. If they really wanted an authentic country experience, where’s the date where they pluck and gut a chicken?!

Now THAT I would like to see.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #5 – Catch farm animals and like it.

Because they are in the country, obvi there are going to be animals involved. Jasmin’s jaw makes it very clear that farms and animals and just generally being in nature is not her bag, and so, obviously, the producers decide that she should have to catch a sheep.  She is super dooper not excited about it, so it is pretty obvious already who’ll be getting the boot tonight.

(Her other comment about hating the idea of milking a cow is a clear message that there’ll be no under-the-zipper action at the movies anytime soon, Woody, just FYI.)

Jasmin, you MUST love all farm animals as well as be able to catch them to be a good wife. Don’t you know ANYTHING?!

 

jasmin unimpressed

Can nature.

 

It’s okay; she just manages to herd the damn thing into the paddock and clip off a bit of it’s wool. It’s very final-scene-of-‘Babe’.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #6 – Barn dancing.

I am so pissed I wasted all that money on contemporary and music theatre dance lessons. Turns out barn dancing is where it’s at with the dudes.

Woody takes the bitches to a nearby barn to get jiggy with it a la Jessica Simpson circa 2005.

They do a token do-si-do and heel toe move but then quickly retire to the benches to suck down the beer because they are in the country and that is what you do in the country.

(Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Emily is hitting the champagne and stealing everyone’s shit.)

 

jessica how down

I don’t remember this move from primary school…

Husband-Catching Skill #7 – Break the Girl Code but care about it.

Woody steals Parmigiana away for some alone time and, as usual, the other bitches are annoyed and have clearly forgotten what show they are on. Woody and Parma have a semi-boring conversation until SWEET VALLEY HIGH DID HE JUST TELL HER HE DOESN’T GIVE A RATS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY?!

Yep. That is exactly what he said.

Woody stares at Parmigiana like she is literally a succulent piece of crumbed chicken and he is a newly-evicted Survivor contestant. After she finishes saying something (whatever it was, it was clearly not important) he explains that they have an intense physical “connection” and they don’t need “stupid words”. And he lunges at her.

Poor Bachie. He is just dying to bone this chick. All that talking she does must bring a playa down.

 

snez pash

I care so much about your opinion.

 

Post-Suck-Face, Parma tells us that she felt a bit bad pashing on with Woody on a group date and that she’s clearly broken the Girl Code but maybe she doesn’t really care because she’s on The Bachelor and the whole premise of this show breaks the Girl Code and any other code associated with feminism or women’s rights anyway.

 

 

All this learning of things leads us straight into the Rose Ceremony. I assume the barn dance/beer guzzling session constitutes for the cocktail party this week? Waaahhhh!

Jasmin’s jaw just knows it’s not going to be good news. Her husband-catching skills have been very sub-par this week; she’s feeling quite ashamed of herself. It’s her and Nina for bottom two. Nina seems to be having an out-of-body experience suddenly wondering if that totally natural, World Record-breaking kiss she shared with Bachie while 20 people looked on meant anything.

Turns out it meant enough to Woody to keep her around for another week.

It’s curtains for Super Jaw. She is set free back out into the world to hate on everything else like a regular person.

 

jasmin sad face

Jasmin sad face.

 

Bye bye, Jasmin. Don’t set anything on fire.

 

x

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: Ground Hog Dates

14 Aug

It’s GROUND HOG DAAAAAAAY!

 

Guys, things are getting v v serious tonight; Woody is doing some serious exercise/sport things that involve ropes and push ups. He is NOT messing about.

There are only 10 bitches left and he must find at least one to take to the Logies next year. That’s only 5 months away! (Actually, is that true? I don’t watch the Logies.)

 

sam workout

Wife-hunting is serious business.

 

Osher enters the Mess Hall and reminds the ladies that, just like their biological clocks, time is a-ticking. Woody still needs the chance to get to know some of them better, and I bloody hope he means this Rachel person because I think we ALL wanna know her a little better……..WHO IS SHE?!

Ebru speculates why she has yet to be blessed with a single date and eventually reasons that Sam has been too busy dating the other 9 women she lives with to have time for her. That’s gotta be really hard for him.

Near a body of water somewhere, Woody excitedly tells us that this episode’s date is going to be SUPER DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL. He has aptly named it “Ground Hog Date”. DER-RAMA ALERT!

Basically, Woody is going to take three lucky bitches on the exact same date, with a couple of “Adventure Challenges” thrown in there to see how they deal with it. Yay!

Jasmin/Fire Hazard’s reaction face to Ebru getting the first date is my new everything and I WISH I COULD FIND A SCREENSHOT DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT I CANNOT EVEN! But it legit looked something like this….

 

tina eye roll

I’m so happy for you!

 

Anyway, this is a date of tests. Each woman has to pass a series of Adventurous Wife Tests to progress onto the next level. A flat tyre, a jet boat ride and a touchy-feely waitress/actor woman who serves them the menu from the last season of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ (nothing says panty-dropper like some delicious duck chin). In other words – A Three-way Death Match. Bachie is super excited to see who gives him the least amount of grief.

Contestant #1 Ebru slides in to the limo all giggles and fake tan. She is so excited her vocal tone ends up somewhere in the “squeaky recorder” vicinity. The limo gets a flat. She helps to change it. They go jet boating. She has fun. Her boobs stay in her dress. They go to the restaurant. The waitress calls her ‘Elbow’ and she doesn’t try to rip open her jugular. TICK!

Contestant #2 Jacinda also jumps into the limo with more enthusiasm than a WAG on Brownlow night. She also helps change the flat…in a lace-up dress. She has fun, her boobs stay in, etc etc. She’s very normal. TICK!

 

jacinda gross

So much romance.

 

Meanwhile, the other bitches are starting to smell a rat. Two women have now left the house and they are v confused when a fresh-looking Osher appears with ANOTHER single date card. Hold. The. Phone! What is this madness?! (This obviously means no Group Date this week – BOOOO!)

All of a sudden no one is keen on being picked for gender sacrifice. That Rachel girl reads out the last date card which is something about knowing what’s around the corner? She looks confused. She asks whether they think these date cards have second meanings.

Babe.

Welcome to The Bachelor. All the writing staff do around here is come up with date puns and synonyms for “journey”. It definitely has a second meaning.

The poor woman chosen for this extra special three-way test date is Bec. The one Woody allegedly pashed while drunk in Thailand. Or Bali. Somewhere with alcohol.

En route to pick her up, Woody explains how happy he is to be spending time with Contestant #3 and that he wants to push “the fun button”. So…. sex. He wants to sex her. He talks about girls who are adventurous and like adventure like he likes adventure because being adventurous is really important in a partner. Adventure.

Luckily, Bec has twigged that this is some sort of test. And thank GAWD for that because I was legit starting to lose faith in all woman kind. On the plus side though, I realise that Woody has to sit through this God-awful date three times, so sucks to be him.

ANYHOO! Basically all three women behave pretty normally and no one scratches anyone’s eyes out which is obvi disappointing. Although they are a little miffed that this actress/waitress is flirting with their boyfriend which seems pretty bloody redundant considering they are competing on a national TV show where 15 other women flirt and pash said boyfriend, jussayin. #logic.

One by one they all return to the House that Spotlight Built and retell their amazing adventurous adventure to the other bitches. Don’t worry, they piece this very complex puzzle together eventually, but not nearly as quickly as they should have. I mean, how many times do they need to hear, “Omigod it was so amazing but the funniest thing happened!” before the penny drops?

 

buffy

What is happening?

 

Needless to say, this week’s cocktail party is a little less Playboy Mansion and a bit more school counsellor’s office. Woody looks genuinely surprised.

Turns out, all three bitches are super embarrassed about being sent on the same test date with their communal boyfriend to see who he liked better. It is WAY more embarrassing than the game of bubble soccer they had to play in their underwear yesterday. Again, #logic.

 

bubble soccer

Did you forget this happened?

On the other hand, faaaaark Sam is good at cute talking. His conversation with a crying Bec literally went like this:

B: I just feel really stupid.

S: That wasn’t my intention at all. You actually challenge me so much; it’s what I want. Plus you’re really hot.

B: *giggles* We’re in love now.

 

I’m not even making this up.*

You really wouldn’t even know that they’d been deliberately set up to look stupid just so Bachie could swoop on in and be a hero. Gosh, that would NEVER happen on this show!

However, Woody keeps referring to this whole thing as a “misunderstanding”. I think misunderstanding might be another term he doesn’t actually know the meaning of. Like friend-zoning. Someone get this guy a dictionary. Oh no wait, here’s Jacinda… she’ll explain it to you…

Oh no.

Yeah, THIS is what friend-zoning is, babe. Poor bloody Jacinda.

She is obviously pissed off but still manages to assure Woody that she had the most amazing day ever, just in case he was feeling any shred of regret.

And then all of a sudden, it’s over. He picks her up and places her smack bang on the throne of Friendship City. I think this means she’s going home. But then they hug, kiss and hold hands. THIS IS CONFUSING!

At this point I’m just not sure which way is up anymore, but I figure the shot of her getting into a car means it’s all over and Jacinda will have to return to her office as Mayor of Friendzone.

 

somekind1

I really hope some of you get this 80’s Friendzone reference…

 

Osher puts his serious face on and sombrely informs the rest of the harem that Jacinda has been deemed unlovable and will be returning to the real world where feminism still exists. Hence, there is no rose ceremony tonight. Everyone looks sad, but I think it’s more to do with the fact they got dolled up for no good reason.

 

As Jacinda drives away I really really hope that her bloody car doesn’t get a flat tyre, amirite?!

 

Join me next week when Woody FINALLY takes out Bitch Face Emily and we get to count how many times she makes her sour face. Yippee!

 

x

 

 

 

 

*I made it up. But only a little bit!

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The Climb

13 Aug

There’s always gonna be another mountain…

Or in this case, another bitch trying to kiss my boyfriend.

 

 

Today in the House that Spotlight Built, there is no time for swimming or thinking montages because erryone is still super mad that Woody kissed one of his 12 girlfriends in front of 3 of his other girlfriends.

Poor Cool But Not So Cool Girl, H-Bomb, is having a really hard time trying to deal with this recent turn of events and has seemingly forgotten that she is on a television dating show where she is literally pitted against other women for the chance to date a guy.

Osher rocks up just in time to ease the tension, wearing his best Gazman button-up. GUYS! He’s got a DATE CARD! And it goes to Nina. I’m almost positive she’s the one with dark hair who plans other people’s weddings and isn’t Sandra?

Whatever. She dons her most inappropriate top and skinny jeans and heads on out to Sydney Harbour. Again. Because Bachie cannot possibly undertake dating activities that aren’t in the vicinity of water or harbours.

Woody meets her at the pier and tells her he’s had this super special date saved just for her and it had nothing to do with the producers. He also tells her that he loves the fact that she hasn’t asked him to do anything for her or made him feel bad about dating her 15 housemates. What a gal!

 

nina excited

I LOVE climbing things!

 

As it turns out, this super special date Woody definitely planned himself is a Harbour Bridge Climb. You know the thing that 150 tourists do every day? Yeah that. Nina tells him he is “craaaaazy!” People in glass houses, babe…

While they climb the steps of the bridge, Woody admits that apart from women who might make him feel bad about stuff, he is also terrified of heights. It is v v romantic.

Thank GAWD Osher is at the top to try and inject some form of excitement into this date. No big deal guys, he’s just been waiting up here all morning. #commitment.

With his glorious weave flapping in the smog-filled breeze, Osher explains that they are going to break a world record: The longest televised kiss on top of the Harbour Bridge! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT DONE FOR PUBLICITY! THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER!

They waste no time getting right down to business.

Guys, I really don’t know what my brain was doing, but I honestly didn’t think they would literally show the entire 4 minutes of sucking face. How wrong I was. You could see the shame in Osher’s eyes as he commentated the whole thing (as in, he shouted numbers at them).

I salute you, Sir Gunsberg.

All I could think about for that 4 minutes was whether or not they’d brushed their teeth.

 

britney

 

Meanwhile, back in the Formal Dining Room, Bitch Face Emily is talking with…someone about the possibility of Woody sucking face with Nina. While we are shown Woody sucking face with Nina. Romance.

are they kissing

They are definitely not kissing.

After the longest 4 minutes of my life is over, the two of them go back to a random Harbour-side apartment to sit amongst red and white cushions and talk about feelings. Nina gets a rose. And hopefully some Vaseline for that mean pash rash she must have now. Yowzers.

Nina returns home and tells everyone about her record-breaking date.

Not So Cool Girl Heather’s face is EVERYTHING.

 

heather unsure

I’m cool with this…

heather shock

I will cut a bitch.

GROUP DATE!

Guys, it was only a matter of time before competitive sports were introduced. And this season it appears to be Bubble Soccer i.e. a game where bitches wear short shorts and try and look dignified while running around in an inflatable bubble. I mean, it is definitely the way I plan to bag my future husband.

Craylor Swift is off chops about it. I legit fear for her vocal chords.

Woody referees this complete dedication to gender equality and my boobs hurt just watching it.

Back at the mansion, the other bitches are sitting around baking. For realz. Proving once again that if you aren’t playing competitive sports in your underwear, you must be baking things. #feminism.

soccer teams

Something about Wood and balls.

The green team win and for their efforts are gifted with a Mexican fiesta with Woody aboard a boat. Because water.

Sandra’s extreme commitment to the game and ability to scream things gets her some alone time with Bachie and you just KNOW this is the end. I mean, it’s no secret that the producers have kept her around because she makes better television than a drunk Karl Stefanovic, but I am suddenly feeling really sad. The whole exchange between her and Woody went something like this:

W: You’re really competitive.

S: OMG YESSS!! HAHAHA I LOVE SPORTS AND BALLS!

W: Yeah, we…

S: I MEAN IT WAS SO MUCH FUN I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU *inaudible laughing/screaming*

W: Do you li…

S: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT ENCHILADA? I LOVE PINATAS!! HAHAHA OMG THIS IS THE BEST! *inaudible laughing/screaming*

Bye bye Sandra. I miss you already.

The other bitches sit out on deck eating Mexican food and looking generally pissed off. I mean, take away the whole “boat” thing and you’ve got any other Friday night.

Later on at the Rose Ceremony, Sandra tells us that her chat with Woody went roily roily well and she expects a rose tonight. Baaaaaabe…..

Bitch Face Emily is in premium hater mode and hates on everyone along with her side-kick, Fire Hazard. BFE makes it clear she will not be approaching Sam any time soon and will continue to sit in her Sour Puss Tower and await his invitation to a day spa.

Woody is clearly psychic and not being told who to talk to by the assistant director because, funnily enough, he appears out of nowhere and asks BFE to accompany him outside.

Bachie admits that he is a little intimidated by Emily because she seems like a tough one to crack. (Lol, “crack”). Gosh, I don’t know WHERE he would get that from considering Emily is only about the smiles.

emily

I’m so happy for you.

She goes back to the Formal Lounge Room and not-so-subtly tells Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather that Woody isn’t interested in a friend and only wants fireworks.  Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather tries to play it cool but fails miserably and leaves the room to go hang with her cool, awkward crowd.

the A group

L-R: Jasmin, Emily and some other bitch

 

Before things get even more high school, it’s finally Rose Ceremony time.

I don’t reeeeeally need to recap this part because we ALL know who’s going home. The producers even try and trick us by placing some random girl called Rachel(?) next to Sandra before Woody hands out the final rose. You’re not fooling anyone, Channel 10.

Yep, it’s curtains for Craylor Swift. I’m devastated. I don’t care what anyone says… I loved her.

You go and scream/laugh at all the little children, Craylor! We will miss you.

 

miley climb

Godspeed, Sandra.

xx

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: In 200 Words or Less

7 Aug

Guys, have you ever felt really excited about something, thought about it for several days, gotten yourself all dressed up for the occasion and then, like the finale of ‘How I Met Your Mother’, been so superbly let down you wanted to drown yourself in a bucket of Pinot?

Yeah that.

Tonight was meant to be Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s White Non-Sex Rose Date. Bitch had built this epic-ness up so much I was totally ready for supreme hipster dating game.

But… it was kind of a fizzer. The whole episode was really. So due to this and the fact that I am so ridiculously time-poor, here is my wrap-up in 200 words of less, with the help of visual aids:

 

Heather likes to doodle cool, dorky things.

 

art

#art

 

The other bitches like high buns and Tiffany pendants.

 

Personal training sessions in creepy prop museums are now a thing.

 

prop museum

Props are sexy.

 

Woody JUST LOVES ALL THE THINGS!

 

spongebob

Everything is THE BEST!

 

A girl called Rachel is on this show?

rachel

I thought you were Sarah?

 

Heather and Woody dress up in my old dance concert costumes.

 

superheroes

Pretty sure I danced to Janet Jackson in this.

 

Emily is still baffled by the White Rose. (ME TOO, BABE!)

 

Woody has no idea what the Friendzone ACTUALLY is.

 

jelly wrestle

This is definitely not what it is.

 

More pashing.

 

heather kiss

This is also not what it is.

 

Anal Glands literally cannot stop talking about anal glands.

 

dawson

Stahhhhhp!

 

There were hot lifeguards in this episode and no one tried to swim out to sea and escape.

 

Joni is very serious. She doesn’t like water. She is clearly going home.

 

joni

Bachie need water.

 

Pecking one of your 12 bitches on the lips in front of 3 of your other bitches is NOT OK.

 

say what

This is totally unexpected.

 

There’s an ATRIUM in the house?!

 

peck

I think this is it?

 

Jasmin/Fire Hazard has never had a boyfriend before. Life makes sense again.

 

Channel 10 are getting really slack at making it hard to guess who is going home.

 

bye ag

I’ll miss you, Anal Glands.

Please join me next week when things are hopefully heaps more interesting.

I wonder if I can still sneak “anal glands” into these posts?

Challenge accepted.

xx