Archive | October, 2014

The Bachelor Season 2: The Aftermath

23 Oct

ERRRMAGERRRRD! This year’s Bachie is the gift that just keeps on giving!

It is now three (actually, probably four) whole weeks since the finale episode of Africa, Bunda rings and drama drama drama. And lucky for me, things just kept getting messier. So I thought it only fitting to do a bitchy post-finale wrap-up. Because there is nothing I like better than holding on to things for longer than I should.

Allow me, if you will, a moment to catch you up on the sticky aftermath of Blake Garvey’s journey (ifyouknowwhaddamean):

  • The team went to Africa

 

  • Day before the Finale, Channel 10 pull all media interviews with Blake and “winner”. *ALARM BELLS*

 

  • Social media goes in to MELTDOWN. (Like, seriously, the internet broke).

 

  • Normal Lisa goes home because she is normal.

 

  • Blake proposes to Sam with a Bunda ring and she accepts.

 

  • 12 hours later, it is confirmed Sam and Blake have already split.

 

  • Blake comes out of the closet with his new lover Adriano Zumbo.

 

  • Sam posts the following on twitter:

 

tweet

 

  • Rumors abound that Lisa is up the duff with Blake’s lovechild (they turn out to be untrue….BOO!)

 

  • The Project finally confirm an interview with both Sam and Blake and receive their highest viewer ratings in years.

 

  • Sam calls Blake a jackass and shows herself to be a bloody legend and a half. Everybody starts following her on Instagram and declaring that Blake is the worst ever. (*Can I just say, Sam, if you’re reading this: I’m really sorry for being suuuuuuch a bitch to you. I know I hung shit on you for your two-toned hair and your unfortunate Frankston roots, but it was all fun and games really. I was wrong. Let’s be lovers. You win at everything.)

 

project

I salute you, my Queen

 

  • Everyone starts packing up their fake tan and playsuits, believing this year’s Bachie journey has sadly come to an end.

 

  • BREAKING NEWS! A new rumor surfaces about Blake Vader and Lipstick Louise. It’s almost too good to be true…

 

  • Praise be to Oprah, IT IS TRUE AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO A WHOLE INTERVIEW ABOUT THEIR TOTALLY REAL AND PURE LOVE WITH WOMAN’S DAY! (But also with The Project because we don’t want anyone to miss out).

 

And here we are.

So kids, it turns out Blake Vader just couldn’t get that delicious raspberry pavlova out of his head, because he has done a swapsie; he’s dumped Sam, flown to Thailand and declared his undying love for Lipstick Louise. Well actually, in between the finale of the show and now, Blake went to Night TAFE, graduated Literacy class, worked through his heartbreak at losing 30 potential wives and then managed to write Louise a 5-page love letter all by himself because he just cannot forget her pavlova.

Lucky for him, Louise has not been doing much else apart from sitting around crying over her wasted wife skills and the stripper who made her ride a mechanical bull for entertainment.

 

louise cry

“I learned Afrikaan for you!

Turns out Louise totally dug Vader’s letter and the two are now shacked up together in a white and beige palace in Thailand. As Blake so expertly explained, they wanted to escape the public scrutiny and get to know each other again in private. But not before they did an interview with Woman’s Day for a casual $50 000. No biggie.

So right now I am sitting here, racking my brains as to how to explain this whole Blake-loved-Sam-but-then-didn’t-love-Sam-but-Lisa-might-be-pregnant-but-not-and-now-Blake-loves-Louise-and-she’s-totally-fine-with-it…thing. But it is more confusing and awkward than the entire series of Homeland. Fortunately though, Blake and Louise decided that “privacy” also means doing another interview with The Project.

Cut to Monday night. Bloody Carrie Bickmore flew to Thailand for 5 sodding hours to interview The Stripper Who Couldn’t Make Up His Mind and his lucky beard/girlfriend/runner-up. As promised, they are still in the White Beige Mansion, looking very white and beige in their white and beige matching outfits.

womans day

#beige

Last time, Blake told Ms Bickmore that there was absolutely no one else in his life and that he was concentrating on mending his broken heart. WHAT. A. LIAR.

So Carrie puts the hard word on our Most Hated Bachelor and he admits that after the finale he couldn’t stop thinking about Louise and his feelings for her just kept growing until he couldn’t imagine life without her. Snore.

My guess is, he spent his first 24 hour period with Sam and realized she has a much more interesting personality than him.

The really controversial moment of the interview is when Vader tries to explain to Carrie that Sam DID know about Louise but asked him not to say anything to the public.

carrie-bickmore1

“Da fuuuuuck?!”

No, Blake Vader, no.

Look, to his credit, at least he’s still as terrible an actor as he was on the show.

Louise sort of just sits there looking white and beige and verrrry much the cat who got the Bachelor cream. But then we get this pearl of a question from Carrie:

“How was it for you finding out about Blake’s past, like the pictures of him being a stripper?”

“He wasn’t a stripper.”  – L. Pillidge, 2014

stripper

Really?

Gosh, the truth is really coming out in this interview.

Boring, boring, many snaps of Blake and Louise kissing on the beach and Carrie leaves the happy beige couple in their Thai mansion and flies back to Melbourne to interview our favourite bachelorettes; Sam and Lisa.

I think we’ve already covered this, but Sam and Lisa are awesome and they win.

In a genius moment of television, Carrie has the girls watch the interview she has just done with Blake and Louise and films their reactions.

Gawd, it’s good.

They get to the bit where Vader tries to tell us that Sam asked him not to reveal his relationship with Louise to the public…

“That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard!” – Sam

“It’s just a massive web of lies!” – Lisa

And then…..BOMBSHELL!

Lisa reveals that after the Finale, Blake actually called her to ask if she still had feelings for him?! Good God, man! Do you not know that WOMEN TALK??

Lisa explains that she was all, “…how dare you. If you wanted to choose me, you choose me. I don’t come second to anyone.” Because she is normal. God bless her.

On the the plus side, the two girls admit that the experience wasn’t a total loss because they found each other and made a lasting friendship. It’s quite beautiful really. And then WHO Magazine released this…

sexiest people

In your face, Richard Mercer

And my opinion?

To be quite honest, I’m just tired of looking at Blake’s stupid face.

At the end of the day, I’m sure Louise is a super lovely person, but really, they are just as beige as each other so it’s a match made in heaven. She likes baking and wearing lipstick and he likes ladies who are good wives. Now they can go and live together in their beige house with their beige yacht and their NutriBullet.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

And that’s all, folks.

Thanks again for joining me throughout the Bachelor 2014 Journey.

***POST-SCRIPT***

FYI; I will be doing a live one-woman show based on my blogs and on The Bachelor in general in the coming year. You can keep up to date with show times and cities on the Facebook page. It’s called Prick from a Rose and I promise it will be funny and filled with bitchiness and me getting drunk.

What else is exciting, is that I’ll be joining my friend Chris O for a video blog episode on reality television and all things Bachie related. He is a total doll and the resulting vid will be appearing on YouTube. Keep an eye out for it!

If you would like to contact me or send in suggestions for future blogs/rants, feel free to do so through this site. I LOVE a smart Suggestions Box.

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The Bachelor FINALE: 100% Pure Love…. Lol JOKES!

3 Oct

NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!

Because Africa.

 

giraffe

#nature

 

HOLY CRAP WE MADE IT, TEAM!

We have arrived at the night of the finale without anyone losing an eye rub or getting street pie poisoning. Squeeee!

*Deep breaths* I am going to need to try and keep a lid on it and refrain from putting everything in capital letters while recapping this epic final love battle.

AFRICA! NATURE! FORD TERRITORY! ANIMALS! WATER! DID I MENTION THEY DRIVE FORDS HERE?

We are still in Africa. There is nature ERRYWHERE and OMIGOD STOP IT OSHER IS HERE ON PRIDE ROCK!

His hair is just loving itself sick in that safari outfit and sporting a smart casual leg mount. No big deal, I’m just here in Africa in my Gazman Casual Wear.

After recovering from the shock of seeing Osher at the very beginning of an episode, we see Blake Vader looking poignant. He has very big decisions to make tonight; one of his two favourite girlfriends out of twenty five other girlfriends will be getting a Bunda ring.

He stands in front of lots of views of Africa. He stops by a pool. Water. He mosies on down to a campsite. Fire. He looks into the flames poignantly and thinks about journeys and roses and Bunda rings.

MUM IS HERE!

Mrs Vader has arrived in Africa in her best linen two-piece and brought Bitchy Aunty Dee with her. What?! Where is Shirley MacLaine aka Blake’s grandmother? She HAS to be here! No one can make decisions without Shirley!

But alas, she has been left back at home like the other loser bachelorettes. My guess is they wouldn’t fly her Business Class so Shirley just decided not to come. Shirley ONLY flies Business Class.

On ya, Shirley.

Mrs Vader gets totes emoshi upon seeing her son and Bachie apologises, explaining he’s been so busy getting women to ride mechanical bulls and bake cakes for him that he forgot to call her. She seems OK with it.

Aunty Dee, on the other hand, is not having a bar of all this emotional crap and wants to get right down to business.

Enter Lisa.

“HELLOOOOOO! I’m Looooiysa!” she calls.

Gotta love those Queenslanders.

Lisa is her normal, chatty, laughing self until Mrs Vader asks to talk to her in private.

They go to a totally random and coincidentally decorated love seat by a pool and Mrs Vader does her best impression of her son, demanding if Lisa is in love with him. I mean, come on guys, they’ve been on a couple of dates, SURELY she must know by now?!

Lisa confirms that yes, she is indeed in love with Mufasa and is totally ready to give him many Simba babies. They start laughing. Aunty Dee doesn’t like this. There is TOO MUCH LAUGHING! Aunty Dee obviously graduated from the same Laughter Police Academy as her nephew.

Aunty Dee breaks up the laughter party and hits Lisa with the hard questions. Lisa is normal so she answers them like a normal person.

Vader returns and he and Lisa tongue pash. Gross.

NEXT!

Sam arrives. Remember she is really goofy and awkward, so she is feeling really nervous and awkward about meeting Richard Mercer’s mum.

CALL OF THE NIGHT goes to Aunty Dee as Sam is approaching:

“Oh wow, she’s blonde. On no, wait. More multi-coloured.”

I love you, Aunty Dee.

(I need to know; if you were Sam’s hairdresser, when would you get to the point where you’d just suggest, “maybe we should do a full head of foils this time, babe?” WHEN?!)

Anyhoo. Sam and Mrs Vader sit down by another totally random and coincidentally decorated fireplace and talk about feelings. Because Sam is really awkward and goofy and has no filter, she tells Mum she was worried her son would be a douchebag. Gold star, Sam.

Then she is really embarrassed because she said that word and omigod she is so awkward and goofy and can’t talk to people properly because she has no filter. What a kidder!

Mufasa shows up again and asks Mum and Aunty Dee to pick his future beard for him because he obviously can’t do it. Mrs Vader offers to adopt both of them. She is not helpful at all.

 

blake mum

Don’t forget to wear protection, darl. That’s how you got here.

 

FINAL DATES

More nature, buffalos and Ford cars. Africa.

Lisa is taken in a hot air balloon over Mufasa’s kingdom. Just like he told Louise, way back when, he explains to Lisa that everything the light touches is theirs. Lisa is super impressed.

Whilst up in the balloon, Mufasa asks Lisa what “challenges” she set for herself going into the show. You mean, apart from not getting on a mechanical bull and walking away with her dignity?

Lisa then goes on to recap their two amazing dates. Yes folks, you read that correctly. TWO. They have really only been on two f*#&ing dates! Lisa tells him they were both amazing and cannot believe he organised them out of his own pocket money just for her.

I’m starting to lose faith in you, Lisa.

They then arrive at an African-themed rotunda and sexy forehead touch for a while.

Mufasa is super dooper keen to get Lisa to tell him she loves him. It’s only fair; he organised TWO WHOLE DATES FOR HER! She OWES him!

I’m really hoping that she does an Aunty Dee and stands her ground, but it seems that all that baking and nature has finally infiltrated Lisa’s normal brain and she confirms that she is indeed, 100% in love with him.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

She tries to rationalise this by saying, ” I realise you can’t say it back to me right now.”

Weeeelllllll…..actually he could. But he doesn’t. Because romance.

 

The next morning he picks up Sam for a night safari. Remember? Because she is from Frankston and has a wild side? I hope no one told her that Lisa got a freaking hot air balloon, because if it were me, I would be PISSED.

They go safari-ing through Africa and Sam tries to get a glimpse of Mufasa’s elephant tusk, ifyouknowwhaddamean? 😉

Boring boring boring, they talk about their feelings. Sam has already told Bachie that she loves him so I don’t really know why we are forced to sit through this.

 

FINAL ROSE/BUNDA RING CEREMONY

The final two bitches are getting dressed. Both are wearing sequins. Because Africa. Lisa is in black, Sam is in silver.

Now, look, I don’t wanna seem TOO obnoxious, because that is obvi not my style AT ALL, but you don’t dress the loser in silver/bridal sparkles. This happened last year, remember? Anna (the winner) was conveniently dressed in a white and gold dress while loser Rochelle got lumped with a fluro number from Gasp? Come on.

Blake Vader is standing at the end of a tribal sacrifice alter, looking dapper in his powder-blue suit.

THIS IS IT, GUYS! (Commence many shouty capitals from here on in)

HOLY SHIT OSHER IS BACK OMIGOD HE IS WALKING DOWN THE SACRIFICE TUNNEL ARE THEY IN LOVE STOP IT I CAN’T TAKE IT!

Osher and Bachie hold hands. F*#& off, is this real?! Is THIS what the controversy was? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Oh no, wait, he is just wishing him luck. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, BLAKE! YOU COULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BONA FIDE CLEO BACHELOR OF THE YEAR! YOU BLEW IT!

 

the boys

#MeantToBe

 

Sadly, Osher’s hair walks away to the approaching Ford vehicle (did I mention they drive Fords in Africa?)

And we all know that the first bitch out of the car is the loser.

They are obscuring her head.

The Ford car stops.

The door opens.

Osher’s hair blows in the wind.

*

*

*

*

And it’s Lisa.

 

I F*#&ING KNEW IT!

 

OH LISA YOU POOR THING! We all watch as Normal Lisa makes her way down the tribal sacrifice tunnel in what is pretty much the most bangin black crack dress I have ever seen!

GAWD it’s just the worst. He tells her he loves her but is IN love with someone else. ARGHHHH I CAN’T DEAL!

She just whispers nice things to him and then sashays back to the Ford Territory in her black crack dress.

Farewell Normal Lisa. You have a rockin ass. You will find someone else.

Meanwhile, Mufasa cries like a baby. Guys, STRIPPERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

 

stripper

 

So now we know. Sam from Frankston is The One. Her two-toned highlights have gotten her over the line and into the waiting arms of Blake Vader/Mufasa/Richard Mercer.

She’s walking past the phallic animal bones towards her true love. We see her extensions from the back. GAH! Someone FIX THEM!

They’re holding hands. He’s talking about love. Her face is all, “I got this in the bag.”

He kneels. He pulls out the ring box from Bunda. He opens the ring box. Yep, it’s from Bunda. Bunda.

He’s proposing!

Her answer?

“Yep. 100%. Can we bone now?”

Because Frankston.

The ring doesn’t fit her. Things get a bit awkward.

They are kissing. Vader keeps trying to talk about feelings and journeys but Sam just macks on with him to shut him up. Good thinking, Sam.

I am crying. It’s over. My life has no meaning.

 

HOLD THE PHONE!

 

POST-FINALE CONTROVERSY

Channel 10 have cancelled all media interviews with Vader and Sam. Rumors are flying about thicker than Osher’s hair wax.

Someone’s pregnant. (Please let it be this)

Someone’s dead.

Someone cheated.

 

They broke up. SWEET VALLEY HIGH THEY ALREADY HATE EACH OTHER. Good one, Osher.

Social media is going off chops. The public is OUTRAGED!

I knew it. It was her extensions. They pushed him over the edge.

Lisa makes a statement via Instagram that she is not pregnant. Boo!

 

lisa

Oh the disappointment!

 

Then this…..

 

statement

Evidently, Frankston was too far away for Blake

Luckily, Bachie has that pool of 24 rejected loser bachelorettes to choose from now.

I am dying with anticipation. In the meantime, I think I’ll go amuse myself with re-runs of Australian Idol 2004. I’ll never stop believing, Osher.

This is Bachelor 2014 over and out.

THE END.

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Everybody Loves Bachie…except Lisa

2 Oct

ZOMG guys, it’s Finale week! I can barely keep a lid on it. And neither can Blake Vader who is throwing “journey” ALL over the place! Srzly, I counted nine times this episode. And I vagued out at one stage. So lets round that up to nineteen. Nineteen totally non-scripted mentions of a beautiful/amazing/awesome/ridiculous/intense journey. Journey.

WATER JOURNEY AFRICA! Many montages of water and mentions of journeys. Wait, are we IN Africa now? Or Sydney? I’m confused. Many wildlife, much water.

No, no, we’re still in Sydney. Well, Vader couldn’t POSSIBLY leave without first stopping in at Bunda to casually pick up some bling for one of his three girlfriends. After mentioning to the manager that he would actually prefer to design the engagement ring (!!!) himself, Richard Mercer then takes a poignant stroll down the main street, thinking about journeys and water.

Meanwhile, while the real residents of the mansion that Spotlight built are moving back in and busy tearing down the hideous plastic hydrangeas and smashing all pineapple-shaped furniture, the remaining three bitches are at the airport.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS GOING AN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TOGETHER! LET’S HAVE A CHAMPS TO CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNAL BOYFRIEND!

Sam, Lisa and Louise are just having the best time ever at the passengers lounge and quietly congratulate each other on being chosen to maybe get proposed to in another country.

Cut to arriving in said foreign country (South Africa if you haven’t caught the bombardment of ads for it this week – wait, are we in South Africa because Vader is black?)

Bachie has had a smart change of clothes and is now poignantly looking about his hotel window thinking about being poignant and journeys. He’s having a real hard time remembering his lines with all this amazing view.

*TANGENT ALERT* Allow me, if you will, to quickly remind you of something. Something I would deem significant. The final three bachelorettes usually signify the time for the Dates with No Time Limits episode. Dates with sex, as we prefer to call them. Because most tall, sort of black, deep talking bachelors have at least a one in three chance of finding a girl willing to bone him. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There is no mention of time limits or boning or love cabins and I am. so. not. ok. with. this.

This is bullshit, Channel 10. I am submitting a formal complaint. Replacing dates with potential sex for dates with potential tourism attractions is a travesty of justice! NO.

End Tangent*

So everything is slightly more boring now because there is no sex but lets go through the last three dates that Blake totally organised with his own pocket money and travel expertise.

Sam

Vader explains that Sam has “a wild side”. Obvi because she is from Frankston.

So lucky Sam gets to go shark diving.

They board a boat and watch a shark brutally kill a cute seal and then a bird. Because romance. Vader looks kind of terrified and it’s kind of funny.

 

Jaws

Can’t you feel the romance?

To allay their fears, Bachie and Sam are given black wetsuits that look pretty much exactly like seal costumes. Good thinking. They dive down in a steel cage and watch sharks swim by and it’s not interesting because there is no sex.

Journey.

Later, because she survived the shark tank, Sam gets to go on a SUPER YACHT. Not a regular yacht, a SUPER YACHT. Because water. They lie on the deck and Sam decides to tell Richard Mercer about her feelings. She says it’s really important he knows exactly what she is before he makes a decision. “What” she is? Omigod, is she about to tell him she actually has man parts as well? Because, just quietly, I don’t think that would be a problem.

No, she just tells him she loves him. But because Sam is totes goofy and funny, it takes her 15 minutes to do it. Bachie doesn’t even try and hide his impatient face. He doesn’t like it when bitches laugh or don’t bake cakes or don’t tell him they love him immediately.

Journey.

Louise

Sometimes-wears-lipstick-Louise has brought out the big guns tonight.

She’s brought her Zamel’s earrings/necklace set. Shit is getting real.

Vader explains that last time, he got a spray tan and a pedicure and showed up in the Hunter Valley took Louise to a winery so it’s really important to him that he try and top that effort.

With another f*#$ing winery.

Except this one is in a foreign country. I guess that makes a big difference.

Anyhoo, they ooh and aah and carry on over the amazing view for several minutes. Louise declares she’s never seen such a great view. Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with the lovely view, but…Lou, sweetie? DON’T YOU LIVE IN A SNOW MANSION IN THREDBO?!!

Call me crazy, but I’m starting to get the feeling this bitch is a little too upper class.

They sit down to a meal of fancy ocean trout and expensive moscato, and Louise explains that she definitely feels real romance between her and Blake.

Babe, eating a fancy lunch on national television with the guy you’re sharing with three other bitches isn’t romance. Sitting on your couch in your ugg boots, hoovering a packet of Rice Wheels while your partner plays Clash of Clans is REAL romance.*

Before anyone gets too drunk, a lovely African choir has arrived to sing to them. It is at this point that I wish I spoke Afrikaan, because I can only imagine what the English translation was…

White Girl We are Judging You?

Once she’s dried her tears, Louise is taken to another bloody view. The Presidential Suite.

Oooh…suite, you say? Isn’t that fance-talk for bedroom? Could sexy time be on the cards?

No, no no. They just sit in the pool and do some really really close talking. Snore.

Yes, she tells him she loves him. In Afrikaan. He rewards her with more close talking and a smart underwater boob grab.

Journey.

 

view

#view

Lisa

From what Richard Mercer can remember, Lisa passed the ovary test at the kindergarten date, BUT, one can never be too sure when trying to choose an appropriate baby maker.

They show up at a prep school with basically THE most adorable children on the face of the earth because it is totally OK to exploit little kids living in poverty for the sake of a reality show. Angelina would be SPITTING!

 

angelina-jolie

Not on my watch, bitches

It’s very cute and normal (because Lisa) and everyone at home calls work and quits their jobs so that they can go and teach in Cape Town. I know I did.

To meet the ostentatious modes of transport quota for the week, Lisa and Bachie then take a helicopter over the mountains of South Africa (“Look at the VIEW!”) and end up at another beachside/cliffside/presidential suite type place with a view.

This is where Lisa wins at everything because she is Lisa.

Vader is probing her to tell him she loves him; after all, his other two beards did.

She explains to camera that she has “deep feelings” (lol, “deep”) for Blake but that she is finding it hard to express, considering he is pashing two other chicks.

Right when I think her closest-thing-to-feminism-moment speech was all for nothing, and she is just going to offer herself up to Mt Blake, she does a 180 and backs the f*%# down! It is Bachie who tells her he is falling for her and she is just like, “Yeah cool. I’ll say it when you say it. Which is not now, so suffer in yer jocks.”

Gawd I love her.

Rose Ceremony

According to the soundtrack, we are now in Gotham City, as the three women put on their Zamel’s best and look poignantly in the mirror. Journey.

OSHER IS HERE! Someone saw fit to fly his weave all the way to South Africa so that he could do his 30 second bit and introduce Blake to the three bitches who already know him pretty effing well.

See Osh? This is your reward for not eating carbs or dairy  for the last 2 months. Well done, babe.

Sam gets the first rose. I bloody knew it.

The Batman soundtrack is, at this stage, so loud that my eardrums are slightly perforated.

It’s Lisa. Lisa gets the rose and sometimes-wears-lipstick Louise is the loser. I gotta say, it’s kind of awful. I mean, the girl took the time to learn Afrikaan so that she could tell Vader she loved him! Obviously, Bachie only likes girls who speak English.

Louise is dumped into a limo and taken…where? Back to the airport? I hope not, because she is not dressed in the appropriate attire for a long-haul flight. Especially now that she is the loser and will have to take economy class on Loser Airlines.

Social media erupts with farewells to our fav sometimes-lipstick-wearing bachelorette and half of the eliminated bitches declare her the most beautiful Stepford Wife ever.

Do they know what Stepford Wife means?

Doubtful.

 

inygo

 

THE LAST EPISODE IS UPON US AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A NEW HOBBY! HELP ME I’M DYING WITH EXCITEMENT BUT ALSO GRIEF!

Catch you tomorrow my loves with the final instalment for this year. *Tear*

Who is your money on? Frankston chick Sam? Or Rich but Normal Lisa?

 

 

 

*This may/may not have been exactly what I was doing tonight