Archive | September, 2014

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: 8 Simple Rules for Dating Multiple Daughters

26 Sep

Guys, guys, guys…. You’re gonna have to keep an eye on me and stop me from losing my shit over the suggested events of next week before I finish this week’s parental wrap-up. Take a breath…yes, there’s a proposal…calm down. We have to get through meeting the in-laws first before that can happen. Baby steps.

OK. I’m good.

Episode opens. Things are back to normal, it would seem. Blake Vader is v v serious about home visits because he is running by water. Then he’s walking by water. Then he’s swimming in water. Then he slow exits from the water. Shit is getting real. Water.

Despite being given an hour and a half time slot tonight, we are wasting no time. Richard Mercer cannot possibly go on any longer without a wife. This is NO time for idle chit chat or mechanical bull riding.

LOUISE

What the shit? She lives in Thredbo? Is this even real? If this IS real life, WHEN has she possibly had the time (or purpose) to fit in all that lipstick wearing? Have you ever seen a skiier shoot down the slopes wearing the new Napolean Neon Nights No-Rub Satin Gloss Matte Pigment Pout Fancy Not-Fancy Loaded Lip Colour? Didn’t think so.

Many snow. Many kissing. Much kissing in the snow. With all this talk of snow, I assume her parents live in an igloo. This is obviously way cool and so I am bitterly disappointed when I find out they live in a regular house with… NO SNOW.

DER-RAMA! Blake Vader is so nervous about impressing one quarter of his girlfriends’ parents that he spills his champs all over Louise’s non-lipstick wearing father. It’s really serious, guys. Everyone looks concerned. How will Louise recover from this? Obvi, if she really loved him, she would take the blame for Richard Mercer’s boo-boo and apologise. But she doesn’t. It’s not looking good.

After Dad changes into clean dacks, he questions Bachie about his intentions and why he likes his lipstick-wearing daughter so much.

“I really liked Louise’s lipstick and she baked the bestest cake for me, like ever.”

Dad says he can’t ask for anything more than that.

Call me crazy, but maybe not dating three other women might have been a smart suggestion…

 

louise dad

You owe me new pants, dude

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial x2*

 

SAM

Sam tells us she’s from, “…the Mornington Penninsula.” Now, I know there are a few of you readers out there who are not from Melbourne so I’mma give you a quick Geography lesson; Mornington Penninsula is a fairly large and general area to the south of Melbourne and is the phrase most people use when they don’t want to tell you they actually come from Frankston. Which makes a lot of sense, considering Sam’s two-toned roots and disturbing penchant for bronzer.

They kick off home visit with a classy stop at the Penninsula Hot Springs. Because nothing says romance quite like marinating in other people’s dead skin cells. (Look, I have been there. Those baths are communal, people, COMMUNAL!)

After their little dip, they arrive at Sam’s sisters house. Sam’s sister is obviously from the same Victorian School for Feminism as Sam because she explains that, “…being married is just the best thing.”

There is hope for Sam, though, because Sister evidently has a good hairdresser. Hopefully during their really natural and secret talk on the front lawn, she gave Sam his number.

At dinner everything is going really well and I am dying a little bit over Sam’s younger brother Josh who is, like, 10. But just while everyone is enjoying their $10 Savvy B, Sam panics and seems to only just now realise there are three WHOLE OTHER GIRLS wanting to marry her boyfriend.

Vader chases her outside, and, I’m really sorry guys, but I gotta say this (cover your eyes if you don’t like predicted spoilers): He loves her. Just pick her, already. But don’t because I really want to watch the last two episodes. But seriously.

Richard Mercer basically asks Sam to tell him that he is her effing soulmate and she can’t because…you know, feelings feelings, polygamy, walls, polygamy etc. He looks very upset. He explains that her guard went up again and she was obviously doubting herself, which is bloody ridiculous because he only has three other potential wives, HOW VERY DARE SHE.

 

LISA

Lisa is a Sunny Coast girl. From Noooooooosa. Because Noosa beach is, “outdoorsy.” Nooooooosa.

Umm, guys… LISA IS RICH!

Yeah, no big deal, her family just live in a waterfront mansion across from Lisa Curry-Kenny’s place. Because money.

 

lisa-curry-kenny

#neighbours

 

Nothing dramatic happens because Lisa and her rich family are normal and her dad doesn’t even give two shits because if she doesn’t win he will just buy her a husband.

Lisa, if you’re reading this, I will wife you.

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial*

 

JESS

Soo….this is really awkward. Jess/Elsa isn’t taking Blake Vader to her family home. She is having him meet her AT A FREAKING CARAVAN PARK! Apparently this is because she had many a happy family vacay here as a little one, but I am not sold. I have a really bad feeling her actual house is where they’ve been keeping Osher locked up in between episodes and forcing him to watch Ready, Steady Cook. 

Blah blah blah they meet on the beach and have fish and chips and stare at each other and sexy forehead touch and speak really slowly about feelings. Then Jess/Elsa tells Vader that, should she win, she would want them to just date and NOT live together at first like any regular couple. Can anyone believe that came out of her mouth? It is pretty much the most normal thing she has said for the last 2 months. Consequently, Blake no likey.

Back at the Blue Dolphin, Mr & Mrs Jess have hired out one of those mega fancy cabins that us middle class slappers used to gawk at while chasing bush turkeys back to our crappy tent.

After doing some manly stuff (fishing) with Mr Jess, Richard Mercer returns to Cabin Versailles and takes Jess/Elsa outside again for more sexy forehead touching. She talks a lot about putting things on tables and Bachie pretends that it means something important.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Woah. Things are bloody #sombre. There is no cocktail party or pre-drinks or any general merriment. Osher floats in on his hair cloud for a moment and reminds us that things are really serious.

Lisa gets a rose.

Louise gets a rose. (And cries.)

My mouth was actually gaping at this moment…the moment that I realised that maybe I cared a bit too much about this show.

Jess/Elsa is taken outside for a last sexy forehead touch, I presume? No, no that’s not it; Vader is v conflicted and asks Jess/Elsa to tell him that he is the man for her. Like, THE man. Obviously, because she is Jess/Elsa and everything ever is amazing and awesome and this show is really about love, she strokes his ego with her slow talking and confirms that this is true. She goes back inside.

Sam looks pissed.

Blake Vader picks up the last rose *gasp*…he looks like he’s about to say something…. but something is wrong *gasp*…. something is happening to his face.

THIS…

 

crying

Strippers have feelings too

SAAAAAH MUCH EMOTION.

HOLY CRAP GUYS, JESS/ELSA IS GOING HOME! Even though she told him EXACTLY what he wanted to hear, she is a big, slow-talking loser whose fancy cabin just doesn’t fit in with the Bachie lifestyle.

The poor pet.

She handles it like any Disney princess and drives off into the night on her snowmobile. But before I can feel anymore sympathy, I see the teaser for next week’s finale and I JUST CANNOT DEAL!

I need to stem my flow…. I don’t know if I can make it to next Thursday…

Please join me for the final two installments in this Bachelor journey next week. I will try and be funny while I deal with the inevitable loss. But I can’t make any promises…

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One With All the Losers

25 Sep

The losers bitches are back, peeps!

So, because The Bachelor is all about female empowerment and reminding us women just how bloody awesome we are, tonight’s episode centres around the following premise: Hey, all you ladies threw yourselves at this guy and he rejected your asses, so we thought we’d put you all together in a room so you could watch him pash on with other bitches and then talk about how much he loves other said bitches!

Weeeeee! Applause to you, Channel 10.

And applause to you, Osher. I think we can safely say that, tonight, Osh was workin hard for the monaay. This is why he has been so AWOL of late; he’s been building his strength at his local barre class in anticipation for this epic episode.

Putting to good use his unquestionable interview/host skills, most recently seen in Australian Idol, Osh is doin what he does best by recapping the der-rama of the past few weeks through facilitating an ex-bitches bitch forum (and doin a little bit of judging along the way.) All the bitches are here…like, all of them. They are in their best midriff ensembles and they are out for blood.

* In case you hadn’t noticed, tonight’s episode actually has nothing to do with the home visits (waah) and there is very little Blake Vader to point and laugh at; Channel 10 are trying to milk this baby for all it’s worth and so tonight is ALL about a trip down memory lane. (Also, they’ve exhausted their budget and Velocity Points by flying all remaining cast members to their respective homes around eastern Australia, so we hadda buy some time.)

So first of all: who ARE all these bitches? Yes, I’d had a few champs the night of the premiere, but I swear to Oprah that I do not recall half of the faces in the back row. Not that that matters, because none of them say anything of note…actually, they aren’t even looked at by Osher’s hair because they are big losers who didn’t make it through the first two episodes and no one likes them and they just sit there yawning and wondering when they’re going to be getting their one year membership to Fitness First and a guest spot on The Living Room. 

Guys, guys! The effing great news is Anita is back. And thank you, God, we get to see her sing her stalky song to Vader again. In case you were wondering, it’s just as good the second time around. Admittedly, Anita does tell us that she is, “…not a singer,” but continues to demonstrate that she is adorably crazy and is probably planning to single-white-female one of the remaining girls to get back on the show. Gawd I miss her.

Canadian Horse Whisperer and Laurina/Bane have a make up session.

Laurina: I’m sorry you’re allergic to horses.

CHW: I’m sorry I called you fake, but you are kind of fake.

Laurina: You have a really big “personality”.

CHW: You have really big eyebrows.  We are best friends. Maple Syrup.

 

Not content with Laurina getting all the attention, Osh has a sit-down with Canadian Horse Whisperer and they deconstruct all of her adult tanties and body con dresses and, wait…did Canadian Horse Whisperer and Osher just do flirting? Guys, I feel weird. Someone get me a Gaviscon.

 

OMIGOD I FINALLY SAW LAURINA IMITATE JESS/ELSA AND IT IS EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE!

Laurina also gets one-on-one time with Osh and, for some reason, all the best bits are shown now that weren’t shown when she was actually ON the show and now I feel duped. I mean, if I’d have known she went on that fateful bowling/Street Pie date in a satin dress without underwear maybe I wouldn’t have been so judgmental. Ladies, come on. Remember the last time you went commando on a date night? The only thing you were up for was sitting very still on a padded chair and drinking until you felt comfortable telling your date that you left your underwear at home. If someone had asked me to go bowling whilst free-balling in a satin dress, I’m preeeetty sure my response would be something like this…

 

no

The moral of the story is this: I farking miss you, Laurina. Even Osher’s badly disguised judgment at your Passions of the Christ/Sky Diving ordeal didn’t deter you; you are still my Kanye and I will wait patiently in the middle of South Yarra everyday with my Laurina flag and my #DirtyStreetPie until you decide we can be besties.

Blah blah blah the intruder bitches are interviewed etc. “It was really hard…we had good intentions…we are totally still relevant…”

I should mention that I am three drinks to the wind at this point, so I got a little bit over it. And I wanted Vader/Parental action. Honestly, the loser bitches also looked hell bored too. One of them unashamedly YAWNS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE CAMERA. Gosh it was good.

Who’s not a giver of f*#^s?

who-1

This guy. (At least I think it was this guy)

We finish off the ep with Osher forcing the loser bitches to hedge their bets on which remaining bitch they would want to see their ex boyfriend try and marry because that is a totally normal way to deal.

LOUISE

I was right. All she talks about is baking and the loser bitches all confirm that. They discuss her baking and how she is totes ‘Stepford’ and that they didn’t think she had a chance in hell, but now they are second guessing themselves because maybe Blake only likes girls with one serious hobby and bright lipstick.

JESS

Did they kiss on the first date? Did they not kiss on the first date? Does anyone still give a shit? I know I do not.  Ladies, I think the thing we SHOULD be discussing is how it takes Jess a week and a half to get out a sentence lately. “Myyyyy ……hhhhhearrrt…..it’s beeeeeating so faaaaast.”

LISA

She is normal so no one has much to say about her. Except that she’s hot. Seems legit.

SAM

OMIGOD SHE IS SO GOOFY AND FUNNY I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER SHE IS THE BEST EVER REMEMBER WHEN SHE PUT MINTS IN HER BRA!

Cut to a montage of Blake kissing all of the aforementioned girls and my head is in the toilet.

Join me tomorrow when, word on the street is, Richard Mercer has a full-on Bachelor breakdown and cries. Maybe he’s allergic to horses too. Or just parents. Hard to say…

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: You’re Boring Me

18 Sep

Soz guys.
I wasn’t going to blog this episode because, well, it sucked. EVERYTHING IS THE WORST WITHOUT LAURINA!

However, in the interest of overcoming the grieving period, and because I am all about personal growth, here are the things you need to know:

  • They go to the Blue Mountains. Jess/Elsa is expectedly super excited. The others look pissed. The bitches from last year went to some secluded beach in WA and then Thailand. The Blue Mountains are an hour’s bus drive from Sydney. This is bullshit.
  • However, this means the bitches can finally crack out the designer puffer vests.
  • They all abseil down a mountain. No one falls. It’s really disappointing.
  • Vader and Louise pash with tongue.
  • He gets in a hot tub with Jess/Elsa and she recites a few Hallmark cards to him. He likes it.
  • More ads for smelly vagina wash.
  • Vader is mad at Lisa because she laughs at stuff.
  • ERRYBODY TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS AND HOW HARD IT IS TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!
  • Feelings.
  • Sam is taken to High Tea. She looks confused as to why there is no beer.
  • The cocktail party is cancelled. The bitches get drunk by themselves.
  • Everyone stares out of windows and rotundas and tries to act poignant.
  • Curly Haired Girl #2 (Zoe) doesn’t get a rose. Lisa is sad because she is normal. This should win her some points with Richard Mercer.
  • I prop my eyes open with toothpicks and cling hopefully to next week’s episode…… HOME VISITS! WEEEEE!

 

 

image

Where’s the booze?

*Post Episode Side Boob Note*

I did a little experiment. I watched ‘Law & Order’ straight after this. And do you know what I discovered? There are no ads for smelly vagina wash during other programs! This is an outrage. I see what you’re playing at, Channel 10….

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The Fairytale is Ovaaah

18 Sep

Once upon a time, there lived six crazy bitches. They lived in a waterfront home on Sydney Harbor where they spent their days casually laying about in a giant rotunda, idly debating which Spice Girl was the best one. One day, their Fairy Godbrother, Osher, appeared out of nowhere to weave his magic wand and offer them the one thing they had always wanted; a television contract a fairytale date with their communal boyfriend, Blake. And so began a beautiful love story…

 

No, but seriously, someone did manage to drag Osher away from his Nutri Bullet for 5 minutes to get him to set. Evidently he’s also had a few highlights put into that glorious crown for good measure. Because he’s only fulfilling the bare minimum of contractual hours these days, it leaves him just enough time to give the girls a quick Maths revision before he returns to his organic, clean-eating lair: Six minus five is one. This means one whole person is left over. Meaning one whole person will leave the mansion rose-less. Once again, they are shocked.

Sam must have scored the highest in Maths this week because she gets the aforementioned individual date.

Osher did mention something about a very special guest and just when I was rolling my eyes thinking, who else would it be but Blake Vader himself, but, holy crap you guys, STOP EVERYTHING! IT IS A LITTLE GIRL IN A FAIRY COSTUME WITH A WAND. Evidently, someone thought it would be genius to dress an under-aged child in a Fairy Godmother costume and have her partake in the sexist farce that is a bunch of adult women baking cakes and riding mechanical bulls to get a gay guy to wife them.

Nailed it.

Although, I gotta say, young Tinkerbell is throwing a hell of a lot of sass out there and she is actually way better at reading her cue cards than Richard Mercer. She instructs Sam to open a large gift from her ‘Prince Charming’ and we all know it’s a dress because there is no way Vader would let his beards out in public in ripped jeans and a beanie. Sam oohs and aahs over it a few times and Tinkerbell cannot help but judge her before sashaying off to wherever it is she came from.

 

fairy

Bitch, please.

 

Vader explains that, “Sam has really rubbed my ego of late, so I wanted to reward her with another date.” Sounds just like something Prince Charming would say. So much fairytale.

With Disney’s greatest hits playing in the background, Sam is taken to a jeweler to borrow some stuff. See, this isn’t one of those two-become-one dates, like the Curly Haired Death Match we witnessed earlier this season. You only get to keep the jewellery in those ones. Lucky for Sam, really, because the shit Vader is picking out for her is bloody hideous, jussayin.

All this borrowing of weird swan jewellery is leaving Sam v v overwhelmed and she gets totes emoshi right there in the store. Fortunately, bitches crying over shit that has nothing to do with him is exactly what gives Vader his jollies. He is super impressed by her feelings and, thus, she progresses through to the next round of the date.

 

*SIDE NOTE* Did anyone else notice that the ad breaks are now featuring commercials for smelly vagina wash? Coincidence…?….

 

Back in the Casual Outdoor Rotunda, the remaining bitches are delivered the group date card by Curly Haired Girl #2, Zoe, who is attempting to fill Chantal/David Attenborough’s shoes as resident commentator and explainer of all things, but is obviously failing miserably because there can only be one David.

The date card is basically something something about exotic. Jess/Elsa thinks it could be teppenyaki. Bless her.

We momentarily leave the remaining bitches sitting around still looking puzzled about the word ‘exotic’ and head back to FairytaleLand to see what other super romantic things Vader hasn’t planned for Sam and if she’s still crying over them.

They’re now at The Tea Room. I’ve been there. It is super fancy. Andre Rieu’s piano playing cousin has been brought in for mood music. Let’s call him Pepe. While Pepe smashes out some tunes, Richard Mercer attempts to take Sam for a spin on the dance floor, only to be thwarted by her boob mints. Because she’s really dorky, remember guys? I mean, WHO WOULD BE SO ZANY AS TO PUT MINTS IN THEIR BRA OMIGOD SHE IS TOO MUCH WE ARE LAUGHING SO HARD!

Because Sam is so zany and dorky and puts mints in her bra, Vader gifts her with a box made of chocolate. Obviously Adriano Zumbo made it. But she completely ignores it and is much more taken by the really ugly necklace inside. Not eating the chocolate gift box is a f*#&ing travesty of justice.

“Luckily for you, there was enough left over money in the budget this week, so you get to keep this. Oh, by the way, here’s a rose.”

 

GROUP DATE

 

I used to kind of like Jess/Elsa. Her wide-eyed wonderment and loving of basically everything ever was almost endearing. But after this episode, she has officially pushed me into a diabetic coma and I cannot deal.

“Whenever I see Blake, it’s like…a sunrise. It gives me hope.”

No.

Just no.

I want to stab my eardrums with my pen.

 

Teaming with the theme of both fairytales and exotic, the bitches find themselves in Aladdin’s cave. And because Blake, “loves adventure,” the team at Channel 10 have logically decided to pitch the girls against a bunch of half-naked belly-dancers. Seems legit.

Not to be outdone, the bitches are up on their feet, shaking what their white mama’s gave them. Laurina is right into it, dancing like any good girl at Orange Whip on a Friday night.

Louise and Jess catch Vader’s attention and get some alone time. Louise is her perky, lipstick-wearing self. They talk about baking.

Jess/Elsa reveals her other way of communicating with Blake apart from sexy forehead touching: sexy finger touching. They sit there and sexy finger touch and stare at each other long enough for me to do this:

 

 dawson

 Staaaaaahp!

Even Richard Mercer is getting savvy on her crazy-eyed-slack-jawed-slow-blinking wonderment these days. He awkwardly extracts himself from the finger touching before she gets pregnant and finds Laurina.

And that is when all of the shit hits all of the fans.

In what appears to be an unguarded moment about feelings and intimacy, Blake does something so horribly offensive and not OK to poor Laurina it’s almost amusing;

He. Touches. His. Eye.

Yep, you heard right. The man has the audacity to scratch his itchy eye while Laurina is mid-sentence. All over the internet, headlines read: Finger of Destiny; Man Touches Eye!

Guys, this is almost as serious as the #DirtyStreetPie incident.

Laurina is not having a bar of it. Not one bar. She abruptly ends the conversation and stares him down. It’s bloody brill.

COCKTAIL PARTY

In an effort to undo the damage of the Touching Eye Incident, Vader is quick to find Laurina again and allow her to apologize for not liking him touch his eye and give him graphic details about their wedding day and all the beautiful children they’re going to have. But in a moment that I’m sure is totally NOT in retaliation of the Touching Eye Incident at all, Laurina stops him mid-sentence….to get a mint from her bag.

Gosh, she’s just heaven sometimes.

      kanye

I’mma let you finish…

Vader asks her whether she thinks about their future together, and she launches into this a-ma-zing speech about her super amazing life in Melbourne and how they would live in Melbourne and go to amazing Melbourne cafes and botanical gardens and have Melbourne babies. Because Melbourne.

Vader is stunted. He is actually completely lost for words that she has not simply offered up her child-bearing body at the bottom of Mt Blake for him to speed away to Perth in one of his many sea planes slash helicopters. It’s bad. But also really, really awesome. Laurina has just tore him a new one.

“I feel like things are usually on your terms,” he finally realizes.

And for that, she gets sent home.

And this is where I would like to do this…

Laurina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being mean to you. I’m sorry I judged your street pie and your side boob. You might actually be my hero. While the other bitches were busy feeling sorry for Blake having to date all of them at once, you were flying the flag for No Shits Given Incorporated and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. You are the new Kanye West and I am not worthy.

Vale, my friend.

jess blake 2

I would never stand in your way of eye touching. #sunrise #hope

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Masks, Secrets & Threesomes, Oh My!

12 Sep

Guys, things are getting verrrrry sombre and serious.

We opened on a shot of the mansion at night accompanied by the moon. So much moon and sombre. The bitches were sitting by the fire while werewolves howled in the background. Even Louise had ditched the red lip for a smoky eye. Because night time.

 

 

wolfmoon

#sombre

 

Chat chat chat, we’re so lucky to still be locked up inside this house, chat chat chat I wonder how Blake is feeling about feelings.

Oh wow, look at that! There’s a date card conveniently sitting on the couch that we totes didn’t notice before!

Lots of speculation about who the lucky lady will be tonight, and Chantal honestly looks like she’s waiting to hear if she has a life-threatening disease. Although, believing that competing on this show is a good decision would qualify as pretty life-threatening.

And the winner is…LOUISE! As in, the one who wears lipstick and likes to bake and….and………actually that’s all I know about her. In my dreams, though, I imagine Louise lives in a white and beige palace in Toorak with a thermomix and everything from Urban Republic and her farts smell like cinnamon buns.

Louise heads down to the park and, as expected, Vader blows in on a bloody helicopter…..again.

We literally see Louise get the signal from the director to start jumping up and down and waving, which she does like a champ. I little bit like the time Richard Mercer blew in on an effing yacht to pick her up. Actually, it’s exactly like that. Just with a helicopter. Potato/potahto…

Blake Vader earnestly explains that he wanted to “take Louise away” from the obviously basic and awful existence she has living on the foreshore of Sydney Harbor, and whisk her off to the Hunter Valley for a glimpse of his man-grapes.

Upon arriving at a picturesque winery, Louise presents Vader with caramel slice that she has conveniently baked for him. Remember, guys? Louise wears lipstick and bakes. She’s really complex. No, but seriously, caramel slice is actually the shit and I am yelling at the TV, “WIFE HER IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT BEFORE!”

Now, if the way to a man’s heart is, as Louise says, through his stomach, the way to Louise’s heart is through extravagant modes of transport. Why? Because horse and carriage. They land in a helicopter and jump straight into an effing horse-drawn carriage. HashtagSwag.

Fast forward a minute or two, and they’re suddenly by a pool. Now, I have been to a nice winery or two in my time and not once have I ever seen a winery with a pool, so I assume they’re just in someone’s back yard. With candles. MANY MANY candles. Candles.

Something something something energy, something something something feelings, something you have great energy and feelings, and I have a good time feeling your energy…. *gravel gravel can’t understand due to Blake’s voice dropping a register, gravel gravel*

Back at School Camp for Bitches, Laurina has returned and is casually sitting in the rotunda (OMG, I seriously didn’t realize it was a fancy rotunda, I thought it was just a room in the mansion, I don’t know why I care so much about this) with Sam.

Sam: So how are you? Have you recovered from the mystery illness we’re not supposed to talk about?

Laurina: Pardon? I can’t hear you; my facelift has pulled my ears to the back of my skull.

 

GROUP DATE!

Into the Ford Focus with Voice Command (can you please pay me now, Ford?) and they are off for a day of competing for one man’s attention. Laurina doesn’t care where they go or what they do as long as it’s not to the street to eat street pie.

OMIGOD I AM TOO EXCITED! For this week’s totally gender empowering challenge, the ladies have to act like proper actors and Vader has to act like a proper straight man.

Guys, lucky Laurina is a model and has modelled many modelling things so she is obvi v v knowledgeable about The Heart Foundation. They are practically the same thing. Because charity.

The pair of bachelorettes with the best writing and acting skills will win a very special party at Blake’s Bachie Pad. Very special party? Bachie Pad? Obviously this means sex. Or animal sacrifice.

SO. MANY. JOKES. ABOUT. ACTING. AND. AWKWARD. KISSING. I. JUST. CANNOT. DEAL.

Guys, it’s all pretty bad, except when Richard Mercer gets topless and the bitches need to be hosed down.

Lisa and Sam are the lucky ladies with their Baywatch-themed shoot. I’m guessing Sam’s apt use of the phrase, “that’s enough pollywaffle,” is what tipped them over the edge. Jess/Elsa and Chantal go back to Fountain Gate and Laurina & Zoe are left to cry over their polyestaaaaaaah.

Vader whisks away his two semi-girlfriends for a night of romance and completely appropriate threesome dating.

Cue the most terrifying yet also heavenly interaction in the name of all that is holy…

Sitting on the couch, holding hands with Vader, Sam comes out with her confession that she could be falling in love with him and Lisa is f*$%ing sitting there watching them! I don’t….can’t….what…..help….no…..what….stop…don’t…hold me I’m having a melt down.

Moving right along, because if we dwell on this any longer my face might implode and melt all over me.

 

lisa sam

Staahhp! Staahp it!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Because ‘The Bachelor’ is ALL about symbolism and hidden meaning, the bitches are all dolled up in the left over ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ dresses and masquerade masks. Because mystery.

Osher shows up for his requisite 3 minutes of air time and tells them that tonight will be ‘very different’. There will be no rose ceremony. Instead, Blake will hand out roses throughout the cocktail party. Woah, woah, woah…..woah. HOLD UP. Handing roses out over two hours is waaaaaaaay too different to handing roses out over 10 minutes. Guys, this is super serious. How will we cope? What is life? How could they DO this to us?!

Jess/Elsa has written Blake a sodding letter. It looks to be at least 15 pages, front and back. And who wants to bet that she dots her i’s with love hearts? Because Blake is under contract to only read the cue cards given to him by producers, he sits there and listens while she reads it to him. It is suuuuuuuuper boring. It’s the literature equivalent of sexy forehead touching. Whatever, it gets her a rose.

Blah blah it’s down to Laurina and Chantal. Obvi Laurina cannot go home because she is heaven in a smoothie, but Chantal is also not leaving because she is David Attenborough and without her no one will actually know what is going on.

Laurina cracks the sads and announces she cannot be bothered ‘dazzling’ Vader tonight because she has serious dazzle and has been dazzling him all over the place. Her bitch fit works and Richard Mercer finds her in the kitchen moping over her coconut water. Der-rama! Who will it be??

Cut to Chantal being hauled out into the garden looking bloody terrified.  Faaaaaaark…..it’s totally her. Osher’s Assistant is going home. I knew it. That stunning shade of lipstick she is wearing is not enough to save her. She is promptly put in the limo of doom and, like the true professional she is, expertly narrates her departure and the goings on of the episode as she is sped away from Bachelorland.

The remaining bitches are shocked. They don’t even TRY and look happy that Laurina is safe, despite the glorious stank-eye she gives them. No one really says anything. They all just sort of sit there looking at each other, waiting for Chantal to explain what happens next but…it never comes. David Attenborough is gone forever.

Join me next week when, without Chantal, we find the remaining bachelorettes still sitting around in their ballgowns, unsure of what to do or what to say.

 

Shit is gonna get cray.

 

david

Good luck without me, suckaaaaas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Night of the Living (Dead) Bitches

11 Sep

Are you afraid of the dark?

Our favorite bachelorettes are not. Evidently, they’re more concerned about Jess/Elsa getting her overly large teeth into Blake Vader, but that’s another story. Priorities, people.

I’d just like to point out that I spent this evening’s episode at a ‘Bachelor’ themed birthday party. There were actual roses and everything. (Happy birthday, Mel you (non-crazy) bitch!)

To take it back to the start, it appears the producers have permanently dropped the traditional opening sequence of Blake in water/pondering things/taking his shirt off. Has this got anything to do with the photos circulating the internets of said Bachelor in his tightie whities at a Hen’s party? Surely not!

 

blake stripper

#seriousbusinessman

 

The ladies were gathered casually in the Rec Room at school camp and they were in bloody high spirits.

“Omigod we’re into single digits!”

“Omigod there’s like NO ONE left!”

“Omigod our polygamous relationship with a gay guy is getting SAH serious! Squeeeee!”

Osher was still getting his hair set and blow waved, so he was unable to join the ladies for the first date card. Shaking in anticipation, Louise expertly points out that a second date is very much needed when you want to marry someone.

Unfortunately, we’re gonna be off to a slow start because Lisa gets the date and we all know she is ridiculously normal. She seems happy about it, but not as happy as Jess/Elsa who CANNOT EVEN EVERYTHING IS SO EXCITING PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS AND FAIRY FLOSS!

Guys, I missed the montage of Lisa getting dressed and gushing about Richard Mercer. The TV LOST SIGNAL!!! For like, a whole minute. Gawd it was stressful; but we recovered and managed to pick things back up at a racetrack.

Yep, to rub maple syrup into the wounds, Lisa is taken on an individual date to fallen comrade, Canadian Horse Whisperer’s, actual worst nightmare: the races.

But with no one there. Like no one.

Now, I haven’t been to the races for a good five or so years because well…..just no. But from what I can recall from my former years as a heavy-drinking, irresponsible uni student, the races are actually completely rubbish without thousands of slutty, stupid people getting shit-faced in their Sunday best. Fact.

Lisa seems to have fallen under Jess/Elsa’s spell of believing Blake Vader has any sort of hand in organizing the dates because she is super dooper impressed that he has set up a table right next to the racetrack. I mean, what an amazing position amongst all these people who aren’t even here.

 

Metal railing on a race track

What a spot.

As anticipated, it is a fairly non-eventful date, except when we catch a glimpse of Vader’s jealous face when he realizes Lisa gets the horse called Foxy and he doesn’t. They then move off to another “romantic” location with many candles and couches draped with velvet. Because candles. I seriously have no idea where they are.

Lisa has apparently won a bet from their creepy horse race and as a prize, she gets a massage. Unfortunately, it’s not a boob/vagina massage like I’d hoped. Snore.

NEWSFLASH!

Back at the mansion, Chantal is fulfilling her co-host duties by informing the other bitches that someone is “really sick.”

OMG YOU GUYS IT’S LAURINA! HER EYEBROWS WENT ROGUE AND ATTACKED HER! SHE IS IN HOSPITAL!

All the other bitches: “Wow, that’s full-on. I really hope she dies.”

They do their best to look concerned, but I swear to God, there is champagne being opened in the background.

GROUP DATE!

90% of the bitches pop on their best khaki jackets and are taken to one of Australia’s most haunted places. I think it’s an old hospital? Osher looks really serious and explains that this place is haunted with the ghosts of Blake’s ex-boyfriends immigrants and convicts who tried to flee their countries. They’ve even brought in a psychic lady. This IS serious.

The psychic/actor/Mystic Meg lady tells them about evil energies and strange happenings around the place. Is she talking about ghosts or just another day at the Crazy Bitch mansion? Basically, their dead relatives are here and they are JUDGING THEM.

Osher looks scared. If there’s one thing he fears more than complex carbohydrates, it’s undead spirits ruining his root shakra. He leaves.

And so begins one of the most absurd dates in the history of everything.

 

cemetary

Romance

 

 

Jess/Elsa is living up to her Stage 5 Clinger status and getting all up in Vader’s grill, much to the disgust of his other beards. To break this tension, they are promptly taken into an old hospital room and presented with Laurina’s dead body. Jokes. It’s just Laurina without her Botox bandages on. Well, they did say she was in hospital, amiright?

The bitches pretend to listen to Mystic Meg talk about dead people and stuff but are more concerned with cock-blocking Vader and Jess. It seems to work; there is no sexy forehead touching in the dark. Such a shame.

Later on, Richard Mercer manages to escape Jess/Elsa’s clutches and takes Lauren (?) for a walk. The actor/dancer newbie one? I.e. the one who works retail at Bloch and has an agent. But HOLD UP. Blake thinks Lauren might be too shy for him, after all, she’s just walked through a haunted hospital/warehouse and crapped her pants. How DARE she not laugh at all his jokes and spit glitter!

Due to Lauren’s unacceptable response to this creepy date, Vader decides to give himself a quick ego boost by taking Jess/Elsa outside for a chat. Because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME TODAY WAS SO GREAT I LOVE SEEING WHERE PEOPLE DIED LETS SEXY FOREHEAD TOUCH!

The other bitches are not. ok. with. this. Obvi Jess/Elsa is a huge bitch burger who will stop at nothing to make their boyfriend fall in love with her on a competition about making a man fall in love with them.

They go outside and do stuff. Sexy forehead touch most likely.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Lesbihonest, cocktail parties are no fun without Laurina’s eyebrows there to awkwardly stare at people and take about segregation and street pies.

However, Chantal attempts to take her place for the night, by cornering Vader and basically accusing him of loving Jess/Elsa more than everyone else because he hung out with her on a date that Chantal wasn’t even on but his five other girlfriends were and they even tried to blow out their lamps but he didn’t care and now they are mad. Are you following this? Don’t worry, it’s v v confusing. She gets upset and I’m not entirely sure why.

BUT THEN. Richard Mercer bites back. He Bites. Back.

Blake: Nah nah, she takes initiative.

Chantal: Well we don’t like it.

Blake: You do it. Lisa does it.

Chantal: But it’s hurting our feelings. You touch foreheads with her, so you must be in love with her.

Blake: My boyfriends never gave me this much effing trouble.

 

Chantal returns to the Red Room of Pain and looks aptly pained herself. The other bitches who aren’t Jess/Elsa are worried.

ROSE CEREMONY

After checking to make sure the mansion has been cleansed of all evil spirits, Osher returns to inform the bitches that, between taking a girl to a creepy, empty race track and taking several girls to a creepy, haunted warehouse, Vader has managed to squeeze in a romantic trip to the hospital to gift Laurina’s eyebrows with a rose.

Is it a white rose? IS IT???!!!!!! IS THIS STILL A THING? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Upon hearing that she hasn’t died, the bitches seem deflated. The rose ceremony is therefore performed quickly so that everyone can go back to their rooms and stick more pins in their Laurina dolls.

Newbie Lauren is out. I don’t have to be Mystic Meg to have seen that one coming.

But what I WOULD really like Mystic Meg to tell me is the actual reason why Laurina is in hospital. Because no one says anything. THERE IS A BIG, PINK F&*#$ING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, PEOPLE, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING!

So here are my assumptions as to what has ailed her:

  • Her forehead skin is stretched so tight her skull has burst through
  • The trauma of the Dirty Street Pie incident has caused her to lose her mind and she has been sent to a psych ward
  • As mentioned earlier, her eyebrows took on a life of their own, jumped off her face and stabbed her
  • Anita snuck back into the mansion and stole Laurina’s dog, Bambi, away. Laurina chased after her in her Jimmy Choos but stumbled down the stairs, breaking her ankle. No word yet on the whereabouts of Bambi.
  • Her lips fell off.

 

Tune in tonight to find out if any of the above are even remotely true and see all the crazy bitches wear masks so Laurina doesn’t feel so bad about the swelling.

 

stick person

I won’t give up on you, White Rose

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One I Didn’t Really Care About

5 Sep

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I kind of missed most of this episode. And then when I went back to watch it online I was bored. Everything is boring without Canadian Horse Whisperer. I’m sorry, but I’m still in mourning.

 

So here is my summary of last night’s episode in 100 words or less accompanied by some visual aids:

 

Jess/Elsa rewarded with individual date. She’s excited.

 

peak-gush

Everything is the BEST

 Old steam train, many vintage.

 

train

So much vintage

 Forehead touching

 

Rowboat

 

forehead touching

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Group date – it’s a yacht

 

yacht

Because water

 

Boobs

 

blake boat

I love boobs! Really!

 

Sunscreen

 

Bitchy stares

 

Boobs

 

blake boat 2

Stay calm…stay calm…

 

Cocktail party

 

Louise has new lipstick – what is life?!

 

louise lipstick

Who even ARE you?!

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

 

Blake takes Lisa to ‘secret spot’ and she says something normal

 

lisa

We are so secretive

 Cheeky pash

 

Everyone hates Jess/Elsa

 

FROZEN

You’re out of the group

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Rose ceremony

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

Bye bye Vampire Mary & Holly 2.0.

 

Holly 2.0 doesn’t even care

 

mary rachel 2

They look sad

 

 

 

The end.

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Gypsies, Tramps & Pies

4 Sep

I got real excited about tonight’s episode. Like really. There was gonna be street pie, and Laurina crying and hopefully many drama. But tbh, I was left a little…disappointed. Like the families of all the women on this show. There was *spoiler alert* no rose ceremony, no shirtless Vader on/in water and no group date.

I don’t wanna be the one to say it, but someone is getting lazy and I do not appreciate.

Anyhoo, the bitches are all crowded around the Mess Hall talking about who has the biggest My Little Pony collection. Not to be outdone, Osher blows in the doorway for a mere moment to drop a bomb; there will be NO group date this week – just three individual dates. That’s three WHOLE girls who get time with Richard Mercer. Before he can say too much, or anyone can ask about the white rose (I’m sorry, but WHERE is it?! WHEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEE??) Osh is off again before his organic oatmeal goes cold.

The bitches have been studying their Maths revision, and deduce that because there are THREE date cards and THREE new bitches, then those three new bitches must be getting the three dates. Obvi Canadian Horse Whisperer takes this very insensitive comment personally and cannot actually believe that her besties would say something so hurtful to her and her bacon.

Poor Amber. I mean, tonight is the night she realises she is the only original bitch who hasn’t had a date because she is great f*#^ing television and pissing her off every week is giving me things to write about.

Blah blah she doesn’t get the date because everyone hates her. Who does get the date though, is Sam, Lauren and *gasp* Laurina/Bane!

Sam takes the news like a champ and realises she better go shave her legs. She is f*#^ing growing on me. Although, lesbihonest, I am really hoping she’s being taken to a hairdresser to touch up those terrible roots, jussayin.

Lauren tells us how SUPER SPECIAL she feels being Date 2 of 3. I mean, who could blame her.

Laurina/Bane’s eyebrows practically get airborne.

Because there is no group date to eat up the budget this week, the show runners have gone all out by teaming with the theme for each date.

Date 1

Sam’s theme? Field of Dreams. They are flying over Sydney in a helicopter and she asks Vader where they’re going to land and he just has… no… bloody… idea. He attempts to improvise but the assistant director is just telling him to shut it down.

They get to a v romantic picnic in a field of horses (thank Bryan Adams Canadian Horse Whisperer isn’t here) and I don’t know if anyone noticed but THERE IS AN EFFING GLOBE SITTING THERE AS IN THE 3D ATLAS I HAD IN GRADE 5! I’m waiting for Vader to spin the thing and point to all the countries he’s stripped in, but alas, it doesn’t happen.

It’s overall pretty boring, except there is a funny moment when Sam talks about how scared she gets of putting herself out there which is why she auditioned for a reality TV show so bitches like me could mock her.

 

globe

Who doesn’t love a smart globe?

 

 

Date 2

Newbie Lauren gets the theme of Italy. Richard Mercer picks her up in, what I assume is, an Italian car. (Look, you could slap a Mazzarati symbol on a Barina and I’d believe it was from Italy. You wanna Mazzarati? You better werk, bitch…sorry).

They sit at a table with a red and white checked tablecloth and eat spaghetti. Because Italy. Vader even toasts to Italy. It’s really shit.

(It is at this point that my own manfriend went out into the night and bought me a bottle of wine. For realz, we should have our own reality show where we date except no one would watch it because we are really boring and do nothing.)

Where was I?

Newbie Lauren gets rose, which is a win. The rest I forget, I was getting drunk.

 

Italy.

 

Date 3

Eeeeeeee!! Laurina/Bane has put on her Sunday best and is just dying to get her fancy on. Babe, dunno how I feel about satin mini dresses in the daytime, but each to their own.

Laurina’s eyebrows are just swooning all over the place about the potential fancy stuff they might do and everyone is dying because we know exactly where this is going.

Mufasa leads her to the local Strike Bowling Bar. HashtagFun.

They lace up their two-toned shoes and Laurina’s eyebrows try and act normal by putting hashtags at the beginning of all her sentences. However, it becomes pretty clear that she sucks; at both bowling and acting. HashtagCraft. Actually, they both really suck. Until Vader asks her to put a wager on the game. Suddenly, Laurina’s eyebrows are reanimated and she claims that, should she win, he must take her on a super romantic, fancy, luxurious date. Vader agrees and then tells her that if he is the victor he gets anal.

Back at the quadrangle, the A group sit around playing Uno, because Uno is rad. HashtagSerious.

Lucky for us, Laurina’s eyebrows win the game and she cannot even stem her flow because she is throwing “luxurious” and “fine dining” ALL over the place.

In the car, Richard Mercer tells her he is super excited to take her to this place for dinner because lots of totes famous people go there. Obvi this is a high priority for any restaurant Laurina/Bane goes to so she tells us this is acceptable. 

They rock up to a pie van. HashtagCleanEating.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have never heard of this place, but I could guarantee that if I was walking home shit-faced with my bra hanging out I would be happy to bloody move in. But as far as I can see, Vader and Bane are relatively sober.

And Laurina/Bane IS. HATING. IT.

It’s kind of like watching someone getting set up on You’re on Candid Camera. It’s awkward, but you cannot look away. At this point, I’m betting Vader wishes he took Jess/Elsa here instead, because we know she just loves ALL the things.

Laurina/Bane asks if they have soy milk and the chick on night pie duty looks like she might choke.

A devastated Laurina manages to settle for regular milk in her cappuccino and makes it all the way to the benches before she loses her shit.  

Apparently she is much more clue-y than first thought, because she seems to have picked up on the fact that she is being deliberately baited by the producers. Well, maybe not THAT clue-y since she thinks it’s Vader who is actually to blame. Babe, how many times do I gotta tell you? HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING! The dude barely knows how to tie his shoelaces. Obviously he is v v shocked that she doesn’t fancy dirty street pie and quickly tries to remedy this by dragging her to a park bench surrounded by many many candles. HashtagFireHazard.

Luckily someone on the executive board has pulled out the big guns and had Laurina’s own pet dog, Bambi, flown in to set. The arrival of said dog basically erases all memories of the dirty street pie and Vader looks bloody relieved.

Bambi, meanwhile, is bloody terrified when Laurina happily brings him back to the mansion to meet all the other bitches. HashtagSaveBambi.

Cocktail Party!

It’s Hachael/Holly 2.0’s birthday tonight. Is she 50? Is she 20? It’s SO hard to say. Whatever, as usual she looks suitably indifferent.

On the other hand, Canadian Horse Whisperer’s Resting Bitch Face is reaching critical level as Richard Mercer proceeds to ask pretty much every other girl to accompany him outside in the moonlight. In protest, CHW stalks off into another room WITH her handbag, guys, which we all know is International Hag code for “You Are The Worst Gay Husband Ever.”

Like the good lapdog he is, Vader finds her and her handbag in no time and FINALLY takes her for a romantic chat out in the garden IKEA built.

But what what what what what what is going on I THINK HE’S LETTING HER GO AND I DID NOT EVEN SEE THAT COMING I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO COOK HIM WAFFLES AND I AM NOT OK WITH THIS!!?? Something something about not having a spark and before anyone can say Maple Syrup, she’s gone.

Amber was pretty much Heather Locklear from Melrose Place; without her, everything sucks. Thank God I got that bottle of wine to cope with my pain.

To get his paycheck this week, Osher comes back for two minutes to tell the bitches that, “something has happened that will affect ALL of you! Blake’s lover, Antonio, is here and he is PISSED! Amber and Blake have had a serious conversation about their relationship, and decided that he doesn’t like her that much so he sent her packing. There will be no rose ceremony this week.”

The remaining bitches are so very very bad at pretending to be upset that it’s almost offensive. Canadian Horse Whisperer deserved more than that, guys.

“I think it’s best for her,” says Zoe as she tries and fails to fight off a bitchy smirk.

 

Ding dong the Canadian is dead and all the crazy munchkins are rejoicing in Bachelorland and I no longer have a reason to live.

 

Pass the pie.

 

heather

I miss you already, Heather

 

 

 

 

 

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