“Into the woods to Bachie’s house…”
Ladies and gentlemen, in the glorious names of dignity and gender equality, we assemble here again.
WELCOME BACK!
Gawd, I’ve missed you.
Sweet Valley High, we have officially begun Season 3 of Australian TV’s crowning glory, ‘The Bachelor’. *fan girl squealing*
I cannot even express to you how much I was aching to get back into this… Channel 10 have been teasing me worse than Missy Higgins and her lesbian following!
But I’ll tell you something for free; it was bloody WORTH IT!
Good gawd have they assembled a solid team this year. For realz, my numerous social media platforms were going off chops! I’ve actually never felt more popular.
But enough about me. Let the proceedings begin!
Cut to opening montage of golden sunrises, glistening oceans, fake tan, anal bleaching and dreams. In case you missed it, two other shirtless guys totally pashed on with two other blonde chicks in the last two years but one got proposed to but then he changed his mind and pashed another blonde chick who was good at making pavlova, so we are on to a winner with this show.
Enter Bachie 3.0.
Sam Wood. Tiger Wood. Woody. Woody Wants a Wife. I mean the dude has one of the broadest Aussie accents I have heard since Jamie Rogers in the Sportsbet ads.
Get in line, bitches.
He lives in Melbourne (Omigod! What if we run into each other getting our pre-workout soy latte?)* but is actually from Tasmania. He has a kids fitness business called Gecko Sports. And he, “wears his haaart on his sloyive.”
#Straya.
It’s actually fine so far. Despite multiple gaydars pinging around the place, Woody seems like a decent bloke. I mean, I’m pretty certain that most people are just glad he’s not stupid Blake. So I’m more than willing to give him a chance.
Osher’s back. He’s had the full salon treatment. I’m guessing the Miracle Oil Deep Conditioning? But guys, just hang on….don’t get mad…but…has Oshy….*GASP* put on weight?
Not that that’s a bad thing. I think he kind of overdid it on the paleo and bikram yoga last year, so he is looking muuuuuch healthier for this season. Hooray!
Never forget.
Now that Osher’s had some carbs, let’s meet the bitches!!
Bitch #1 – Naj…Zhaja…Snijannn…. First Girl
Twitter was pretty sure she said “Vagina” but in the interest of keeping things clean, I’m gonna go with Parmigiana. Cos that’s what she called herself. Parma is hot and ethnic. I like her.
Bitch #2 – Busy Business Lady – Sarah
Sarah is very busy being a businesswoman because she walks briskly down the streets of Melbourne wearing glasses and stops on bridges to ponder why she allowed her need to be a businesswoman stop her from entering a contest to fight over a dude she barely knows.
Bitch #3 – Anal Glands – Laura(?)
No, she’s not a drag queen. She’s a vet. And she’s English. And so she has an accent. Which she felt the need to tell Woody straight away. As in, “Did you notice my accent?” No, bitch. I’ve said two words to you, just hold up! But could you please tell me more about anal glands?
And that is Exactly. What. She. Did. #DrAnalGlands for the win.
We are barely five bitches in and already I am so happy with my life choices.
This really happened.
We meet out of work actor personal assistant, Jacinda; cool, “real girl” Heather; a collection of boring, semi-normal women and then my new reason for living – Sandra.
Just imagine if Laurina’s dad had an affair with Maria Venuti and their illicit union spawned a child. A girl with a big rack and a penchant for high ponytails and yelling things really loudly. Well, that would be Sandra.
Guys, it is taking a lot of self-restraint to continue writing about the rest of the show and not just dedicate this whole blog to why Sandra is the best thing to happen to television since the Edelsten wedding. (Which one? Doesn’t matter.)
Sandra tells us that she’s funny and crazy and that a lot of women find her intimidating. So…… she’s annoying as f*#k. She is super dooper excited because her name starts with THE SAME LETTER AS BACHIE! Ohmagaad guys, this could be true love!
Practically twins.
Cocktail Party!
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, THE WHITE/SEX ROSE IS BACK!
This year they are trying to tell us that it gives the woman the chance to take Woody out on a date of her choice. As in, a woman is getting an iota of power on this show, this is BIG! I still don’t buy it. It will always be the Sex Rose in my mind.
The bitches are primed and ready for Woody to steal them away into the night and give them a chance to dazzle him in 3 minutes or less.
The House that Spotlight Built is in full regalia with fairy lights, faux flowers and candles, candles, candles. One bitch burns her tutu on said candles. First life lesson of the night: Don’t cha-cha near an open flame.
As usual, it is very clear that there is far too much champers and not enough toilets in this ridiculous mansion. Consequently, Sandra is getting white girl wasted at an alarming rate and starts complaining to the general area around her that people seem like bitches. Resheal, the token non-white girl of the season and completely normal-looking, reasons that it’s the first night and that everyone seems nice. She is obviously having a dig at Sandra and Sandra is not having a bar of it. Resheal once again reasons that she doesn’t like to gossip about people she doesn’t know and that maybe Sandra is overreacting.
Second life lesson of the night (according to Sandra): If you don’t gossip, you’re not a woman.
How can you not love this stupid show?!
Cool girl Heather, who is described as an “Aspiring Film Maker”, gets a moment with Woody and wins hearts ALL over Australia. Oh she’s just so COOL and NORMAL because she talks about superheroes and dorky things. WOW! Can I remind you that she also said that there’s just something about waiting for a man to come and “get you” that appeals to her. #feminism.
I assume she’s a poor uni student who goes to RMIT, so I’ll let that one slide.
Busy businesswoman Sarah gets the first rose after making Woody do yoga awkwardly in a tux. These girls are just so CA-RAZAY!
Shit is getting real, guys. There are only….. ummm….. actually I don’t know how many roses are left. But there’s a lot.
Some chick called Tess panics and decides she needs to bring in the big guns. She talks over her plan to approach Bachie with Cool Girl Heather. She looks v serious. Heather counsels her like she is contemplating donating an organ. Tess realises that she needs to “stand out”. Omigod guys, WHAT is she going to DO?!
Get changed.
That’s the short answer.
Tess goes and takes off her GASP dress and pulls on a smart pair of Timberlands and a singlet top. She is a sexy lumberjack apparently.
Goals.
With her new-found lumberjack confidence, Tess strides off to get chopping Sam’s Wood, ifyouknowwhadImean?
Meanwhile, Sandra has now reached critical level drunk and has decided to have it out with that normal bitch, Resheal. In front of everyone. Because that is what a good choice looks like. She gathers the other bitches up and declares that Resheal is just the worst for insinuating that she is a trouble-maker, refuses to speak with Resheal privately but reassures everyone that she forgives her. Resheal tries to explain her normal side of the story, but Drunk Sandra is not okay with this and some random mad girl tells Sandra to shut up and let Resheal speak.
It’s heaven.
It is at this point I remember that Sandra is a primary school teacher. Like, with kids. Tbh, I’m pretty glad she’s not my kids’ teacher but also I wish I had kids so she could be. Can you IMAGINE a parent/teacher interview with her?!
To give Sandra some credit, we have AAAALLLLL been that girl at a party. Don’t pretend you haven’t had too much spumante and danced on a table somewhere, screaming at everyone for hating on you. No? Just me? Moving on….
But hold the phone!
Woody looks thoughtful. He’s thinking about stuff. He’s going back into the house. What what WHAT is happening?!
He gets the White/Sex Rose! He’s going to give it to someone. I can’t deal. I bet it’s that skinny girl in the white dress I already forgot about. No, no wait…
It’s Cool Girl Heather! YAY!!
Collective cheers are heard around Australia. Cool Girl says any date she controls is going to be EPIC. I bet she takes him to some hipster garden party where jaffles fall from the sky and then on to a foreign movie screening.
Osh returns and tells everyone the first Rose Ceremony is about to commence. EEEEEEE!
The producers have reinstated the Batman Begins soundtrack and so everything is v v dramatic. Many bitches whose names I forget receive a rose. Even Anal Glands gets one.
We are left with Sandra, Random Mad Girl and a somewhat scary-looking chick called Zilda. Sandra contemplates the possibility that she might not get a rose. And we are gifted our third life lesson of the night: Maybe some guys just don’t like the full package.
If Sandra doesn’t get a rose I will cry. Loudly.
HA! As IF she wasn’t going to get one! The producers of this show are smarter than I give them credit for; Drunk Sandra is the reason this show exists! She mercifully gets the very last rose, which means we are left with two losers who are undeserving of love.
Bye Random Mad Girl. 😦
And that, my friends, is that. Episode One in what promises to be an epic season of Bachie goodness. I have not stopped talking about it all morning. My brain hurts I’m that excited.
Until tomorrow….
Anal glands.
xx
*This is probably never going to happen because I don’t work out.
That's What She Said... 
AH-mazing! Can’t wait for the next instalment! xo