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The Five People You Hate on Facebook. Lesson Two: Spammers

19 Aug

‘Like this blog to see something amazing happen!’

Oh wait, sorry, nothing happens. I just want more likes on my page. But thanks for falling for it.

Really, it was just a matter of time before Facebookland & other such spheres were permeated by spam. At first, it was offensive sideline advertising suggesting you might be in need of more effective bladder control products. But nowadays, spammers live & post amongst us.

The sad & irritating fact is that many don’t know they’re doing it.

Guys, I realise it is horribly tempting to click on an article that promises you’ll ‘…see what this hot bitch can do’.  But I am here to tell you that she doesn’t do anything but embarrass you when it comes up on my feed.  And I am judging you.

Just buy porn.

The thing is, so much of my social media feed is taken up by advertising and spam, its rare that I actually receive good quality stalking material.

Now obviously, I use social media to advertise and promote this blog.  I’m sorry, I’m poor and pretty limited at public relations.  But at least my blog is written by me and about me.  So I guess its kind of like a very long status update.

But here is my list of the more non-acceptable spammers who you just wish you could smack a little:

1.  The ‘Falls for Everything’ Spammer:  Hey bleeding heart, you realise that those photos of some kid holding a sign saying ‘If I get 1 Million Likes, my Dad will buy me a pony!” ARE NOT REAL!  They are stupid people using their children to gain attention.  And even if they were real, do you actually think buying little Timmy a pony simply because he got 1 million likes from strangers on facebook is smart parenting?  All that happens is you give them what they want, and your activity shows up in your friends’ feeds and annoys them.

2.  The ‘Motivational Molly’ Spammer:  This one is harder for me to discuss without looking like a total bitch.  But se la vie.  Sweeties, I am so happy for you that you are in a great mood/got a promotion/lost 20 kgs.  Really.  But I don’t need a motivational picture of a sunrise on the hour every hour to remind me.  I know people with entire albums dedicated to lame-o memes of kittens and quotes from Ghandi.  I’m not trying to be the happy police, but MODERATION PLEASE!  Sometimes, when I’m hungover, fighting with everyone and being buried underneath piles of work, your post of a smiling dolphin makes me want to strangle myself with my own scarf.

3.  The ‘Come To My Event x 1000!’ Spammer:  One of the true beauties of Facebook is the potential for free advertising and invitations.  Creating an Event online not only saves lots of time but also paper.  And I am all for reducing the carbon footprint, if you don’t hardly mind.  BUT inviting me more than twice to the same event will not reduce my footprint on your ass.  Chances are, I did receive it the first time and I am just too lazy to respond.  Or I already know I’m not going.  Inviting me again is not going to change that.  And furthermore, tagging me in your event photo is also equally incriminating.  I AM NOT IN THAT PHOTO!  Anyone who wishes to stalk me will obvi be looking for photographs.  What if they stumble on a photo of your event that I am apparently connected to?  What if your event was crap?  What if a potential employee looks me up?  What if your event photo has inappropriate content in it or just looks dumb? Oh gosh, it’s all so confusing! Furthermore, telling me your event is ‘selling fast’ or ‘selling out’.  That’s a lie.  According to the dictionary definition, something isn’t selling ‘fast’ if, after two months, its still available.**

4.  The Product Brown-Noser Spammer:  Very tricky, this one.  And equally confusing.  But are people secretly working for Price Waterhouse Coopers (or some other mass, generic company that owns everything)?  I don’t understand!  Case in point:  someone I follow on Instagram posts a photo of a bottle of juice/smoothie or something.  She then captions it “Loving my delicious @productname smoothie this morning!” followed by a thousand hashtags.   ???????  Are they paying you to say that?  Are you hoping they’ll give you free stuff for it?  What’s the deal?!  Or on Facebook the other day, I had a friend tag the brand of kettle bell he was using at the gym.  ME NO COMPREHENDE! I guess the real crux of this category is that the people who do it are mostly mass offenders.  They’ll try and tag their shoes, their face cream, their water, their yoghurt.  Whoever you people are, you frighten me.  Are you working undercover?

**At this point, it is probably wise of me to raise my guilty hand and admit that I used to partake in some of the aforementioned activities.  Mainly spamming people to come to my events.  Because I am an interstate resident of Melbourne and, for a long time, didn’t have many friends.  And I am sorry.  Be assured I have amended my ways and am on the road to rehabilitation.

I hope this post has encouraged you to do some self-reflection.  Are you an unknowing spammer?  It’s OK if you are, we can work on this together.

Now can everyone please go back to posting stalker-worthy material.  My day is not going to procrastinate itself.

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The Five People You Hate on Facebook. Lesson One: Selfies

15 Jul

Inspired by the book ‘The 5 People You Meet in Heaven’ I have decided to put together my own little life-changing series based around social media.

Now, unlike aforementioned book, this particular blog series is not so uplifting and poignant, but rather a little more harsh and a little less heart-warming.  And I am aiming it at everyone who uses social media.  Because social media is pissing me off.  For realz. 

I chose Selfies as my first lesson of the day because this has been an issue that has long since troubled me.  Anyone who knows me in real life, regardless of capacity; workmate, close friend, beautician, relative, post man etc, should by now be well aware of my position on selfies. I do not enjoy.  Repeat:  DO. NOT. ENJOY.

(I should probs clarify here that I’m not referring to a random selfie once every six months when you get a haircut, so just stem your flow before you get all flustered and defensive.)  

No, I am specifically targeting the Excessive Selfie Taker.  The EST.  

We ALL know them.  We ALL see them.  Some are even likely to be really good friends of yours who you just cannot bring yourself to tell that their incessant selfie-taking is hurting your soul.  

With the invention of social media such as Facebook and Instagram, the popularity of the selfie skyrocketed like Amanda Bynes’ meds.  At first, we were all just loving ourselves sick online and really, just revelling in the newfound vanity of sharing self-portraits with people we’d never met.  But, a couple of years down the road, a number of EST’s noticed that people weren’t liking or commenting on their amazing selfies as much and realised that maybe it was just starting to get annoying……. Yuh huh.  

So, the new-age selfie started to emerge.  The new breed disguised as something less vain but still created for that very reason. And I believe I have narrowed it down to the top four categories:

1.  The Arty Selfie:  I blame Instagram for this.  Slapping on a Valencia filter and highlighting your lipstick colour with some fancy editing app I don’t know how to use and then hashtagging #red or #portrait does not make your photo any less selfie-like.  I can see straight through your bohemian, hipster facade, Van Gough.  That’s still your face.

2. The Weather Selfie:  For some unknown reason, people have started to become heavily influenced by the day’s forecast.  Like when it’s a really clear, bright day and, suddenly, all these selfies appear on your feed with the caption “Loving the sun today.”  Obviously not as much as your face.  Same goes for selfies taken on the first day of a new season i.e. ‘Autumn selfie.’  John Schluter would be ashamed.

3.  The Location Selfie:  This one’s been around a bit longer.  But it’s no less irritating.  Have you ever had a selfie appear in your feed with the caption, “OMG!  I’m in/at <insert exciting event/exotic location here>!” That’s a thinly disguised Location Selfie, my friend.  Look, I’m really happy you’ve made it to Yemen, but seriously, it’s still just your face.  You could be in your lounge room for all I know.  (I once had an Instagram friend post several selfies outside the Moulin Rouge.  The effing Moulin Rouge!  Maybe just…take a photo OF the Moulin Rouge?  Too outlandish?)

4.  The Gym Selfie:  Just like the hundreds of you who constantly complain about gym-related status updates, this is dedicated to the gym-related selfie.  I didn’t really care that you were at the gym to begin with, so a mid-session selfie isn’t really going to turn that boat around.  What’s really alarming is that, recently, gym selfies are morphing into half-naked gym selfies.  Men in their underwear at the gym are for Grindr only.  Word.

 

Please stop.  Just stop.  

 

Now, as any self-respecting vain bitch, I more than appreciate a smart selfie when you look in the mirror and everything is just working for you.  Like when it would be goddam criminal to deprive the world of your face today.  I’m picking up what you’re putting down, girlfriend.  And yes, I have taken them myself.

But daily selfies are just not OK.  Unless you’ve magically grown an extra head overnight.  Then I would probably pay to see that.

As a rule, I’ll allow one a month.  Maybe two.  That’s twenty-four a year.  That’s a lot.  Don’t worry EST’s, we won’t forget what you look like.  But we probably will like you a lot more than we did.

I’m sure you’re all v v attractive, but hang up those duck lips for the sake of humanity.