Archive | March, 2018

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 2: Are We Even Facebook Official?

27 Mar

Full disclosure guys: up until the last couple of minutes of tonight’s episode, I honest to God still didn’t really know how exactly this whole rose ceremony thing worked. I mean, what I DID know was that the producers are not only trying to f*** with the contestants, but now they are straight up f***ing with us.

But I’ll get to that.

Tonight was a continuation of the competition between Jake and Davey to be the biggest f***boi on Bachie Island and tbh I’m still unclear on who won. We picked up to the part where Jake so gallantly took Flo on a single date to the waterfall behind the resort and now I’ve realised that every single one of these “date” scenarios are just grooming situations for sex. Jake commented that, “it’s been ages since I’ve been on a bush hike,” and I don’t think he was trying to be funny or anything. Strap on in, everyone.

Blah blah blah, he and Flo sit down on a blanket near the waterfall in their bathers and Jake keeps telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s gotta show Florence the real him because he’s determined to get in her pants  her rose. So far it hasn’t been going well for him though as it seems bloody EVERYONE on the Gold Coast has gotten together to make up some sort of conspiracy about him being a sleaze bag which is just super mean and, honestly, how on earth could they have all come to that same conclusion, it’s just so MEAN AND UNFAIR AND DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ACTUAL CHOICES OR HARD EVIDENCE PUN INTENDED.

 

This is a real thing and definitely not the kind of thing a f***boi would do. 

 

Thankfully, Flo doesn’t seem to be buying it and so just sits there looking straight ahead until they open that chilled bottle of champs and all of a sudden they’re in the waterfall/lake thing making out like NBD. God bless alcohol, amiright?

Back at F***boi HQ, Davey is moping around about Jake breaking the bro code and asking Flo out right in front of him even though he likes her and I feel like this same drama is going to dominate the whole episode – can someone please pass me my Spice Girls journal and Fiona Apple cassette tape?

Da boyz are all complaining about how there are more men than women and how some of them will get voted off the island and gender imbalance is just so unfair. One genius jokes about how shit it would be if another dude showed up right now…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THE PRODUCERS WERE F***ING WITH YOU BECAUSE HERE IS ANOTHER DUDE RIGHT NOW!

The f***ing with us has reached Level 8, because the dude that has strolled in is none other than Uncle Sam i.e. He Who Never Cuts His Hair i.e. the man who literally makes my skin crawl and now all I can think about is what this humidity is doing to the thing on his head.

 

Do they sell John Frieda in Fiji??

 

Nina barely notices Sam has arrived, and simply remarks that she’d prefer not to date men who are, “short, blonde and a child,” and she wins Bachelor In Paradise give her the prize money.

Sam wastes no time in complaining how hard this is going to be for him, and that it’s like, “showing up late to a party,” except that it is EXACTLY showing up late to a party. Except it’s a sex party and everyone has already paired off. But no matter, cos we all know him and his dude bro Blake have been gagging to get down to their Aussie Bumz together so this could work out.

Unfortunately for Blake, Sambo makes a beeline for Keira as she is literally the only girl who doesn’t seem to be interested in one particular guy already, and if that isn’t true romance, I don’t know what is. Poor Keira is literally stuck with the “dreads” (dregs) of the group but she runs with it like a champion and still manages to make interesting television…

Unlike our friend Brett over here who I have got a lot of things to say about, despite the fact it’s not even that compelling but this is what this show does to you – makes you care about shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. Get ready.

Remember that whole possibly made up girlfriend he may/may not have on the outside thing? Look, I completely thought that was fake because there was nothing else interesting about the guy. Turns out I was wrong and he has been seeing a woman called Steph who was also on The Bachelor but I’ve personally drawn a blank, not that it matters. Poor Tara was under the impression that he was defs in a relationship with her, everyone was aware, and her ticket to paradise was coming in the mail, so maybe they could just keep him in the show until his lady friend showed up because that seems like a nice thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Tara has inadvertently dobbed on Brett who is rudely accosted by a producer in a singlet while he’s trying to relax on a sex bean bag. The producer is super pissed at Brett for lying about being single and, let me tell you, being pissed while wearing a Hot Tuna singlet and board shorts is super hard to get away with but he somehow manages it anyway because HE IS BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE!

Brett dodges the questions even better than our friend Michael did when 60 Minutes asked him about being on the Australian Soccer Team (no, I’m not going to let it go). But it is here that we learn that, not only is Brett potentially lying about being single so that he can get his lady friend on the show and get a free Fiji holiday and Insta followers out of it, but he is literally the guy who goes out with a woman FOR A YEAR but then only judges the relationship based on whether they are Facebook official or not. And guys, I think we can all agree that that is the real issue at play here and the world has spiralled into a bad, bad place. (Srzly, listening to someone say “We’re not Facebook official or anything like that,” more than once, and as a legit argument, sounds way less funny and way more disturbing than I thought it would.)

Meanwhile, poor Tara is sitting there in the middle of this like…

 

 

Anyway.

This is the most interesting thing that has happened to Brett so far but he is clearly going home tonight because everyone is salty AF with him and when even Normal Lisa is pissed at you, you know you gon’ f***ed up.

Whatever, HERE COME LAURINA!

Welcome back my queen. We are so here for you.

(Osher didn’t greet her or anything, she is literally just waltzing in holding a date card she has got no time to f*** around.)

Idiot Blake pretends he is desperately in love with her straight away and it’s definitely got nothing to do with the fact no other woman has looked twice at him and he’ll be going home tonight. (Srzly, Channel 10, the man is a violent criminal this is no flipping joke.)

Laurina asks him on a date and I’m desperately hoping she’s doing it to punk him and lead him to some Fijian gang on the shore line who plan to sacrifice him in a ceremony that includes a lot of fire or maybe being eaten alive.

No such luck. Boo.

Apparently Laurina has moved way past the Dirty Street Pie debacle and is now v v spiritual and down with the common people, because, when she and Blake find an enormous vase filled with what looks like elephant poop but is apparently mineral mud or some crap, she is 100% fine with it and dives straight in.

What follows is 4 minutes of watching the two of them awkwardly paint each other with the black mud and talk about their energies which is just fancy chat for wanting to bone.

Blake then throws a pash in out of the blue and Laurina gives it 6.2 out of 10 because she hasn’t changed THAT much yet. Obviously she is now going to give him her rose and I could honesty just vom all over my Pinot.

 

This mud is as black as Blake’s soul.

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

I’m not totally sure why they are bothering having Cocktail Parties because this whole f***ing island is just one big cocktail party 24/7 but what would I know?

Jake is deep in the shit with Davey who is suuuuuper pissed about the whole Flo thing and honestly I forgot how terrible party boyz from the Gold Coast are at pretending to be fine. Jake keeps crying about how much he hates drama but then continues to create drama by doing exactly what everyone doesn’t want him to do. #daboyz.

Poor Davey has reached Desperation Station and basically offers his left testicle to Flo in exchange for her rose.

But as any true f***boi would, instead of just telling her he likes her because real feelings are scary, he says, “I definitely wanna spend more time with you,” which is f***boi talk for I’d like to bone you and then ignore you and pretend we’re just mates forever.

 

You mean girls can tell when I’m bullshitting no way that can’t be right?!

 

Look, I will admit that I kiiiiiinda feel a little bit sorry for Davey at this point but then again I think this show has already warped my brain so.

Errr…nothing else interesting happens at the party except Michael has taken it upon himself to be the Drama Narrator and you know you’ve reached a low point when the dude who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team is the most logical guy at the party. (Told you I couldn’t let it go.)

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Nina chooses Eden. I’m now super jealous of her and these two need more screen time STAT.

Lisa chooses Luke. They may actually be in love I’m not even kidding.

Keira chooses Sam. At least she’ll have brought shampoo with her I guess?

Laurina chooses Blake. Dirty Street Blake is way worse than Dirty Street Pie.

Leah chooses Mac. I legit forgot they were still here.

Tara choose Michael. I guess he’s more interesting than Brett?

Flo chooses….

Flo looking for a decent man to pick…

 

Jake.

She chooses Jake. I have nothing to say about this except I guess Davey can stock up on some more fluoro singlets on his way out of Fiji airport?

Obviously no one chooses Brett and no one really cares about it. (Mate, flights to Fiji are like $309 at the mo – get onto it and take your goddamn girlfriend because a year is a long time!)

Soz Davey. As Tay Swift might say, “Cos the players gonn get played, played, played, played, played.”

 

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 1: Tropical Hormone Soup

26 Mar

Look, the fact that I felt compelled enough to persevere with writing this on my crappy laptop into the night and not on the fancy work computer should say enough.

Basically I HAVE BEEN PEAKING FOR THIS FOR MONTHS, GUYS.

Forget the Married at First Sight losers, I am all about the Bachie losers who are so ready to get themselves a radio gig and a free membership at Fitness First. (That’s a joke I used on twitter and NBD, Osher liked it I have proof.)

 

We are definitely all very interesting and definitely not here for a job on Nova FM.

 

BIP is a dream of a reality show where all the losers from past Bachelor seasons go to a tropical island to get naked and f***eyed and spend another couple months doing a whole lot of nothing to boost their Instagram profiles. In other words – my dream job.

Osher greets us in some v privileged-white-person part of Fiji,  wearing an adorable hawaiian shirt because #tropical, while Barry Manilow’s back catalogue plays in the background.

 

Welcome back, Tropical Osher.

 

The first to greet him is crowd favourite and all-round Gold Coast gal, Tara, last seen being elected Duchess of the Friend Zone on Matty J’s season. She is still adorable and still, “so excoited.” Bless her. She hot foots it to the bar where she meets Wise who is far too good and pure for this world please give him a spin off show. Stay tuned for some bangers from Wise.

 

I have a PhD in economics. 

 

Meanwhile, Tara better walk out of this with some semi-decent man candy or I’mma be pissed.

Next is Michael Turnbull who has apparently run out of terrible entrepreneurial ideas since he was given the arse by Sam Frost. He’s decided to return to reality tv and hope no one remembers that he pretended to be on the Australian soccer team.  (Except I remember, Michael. I remember.)

The next two people to arrive are basically the equivalent of each other and, therefore, will most likely hook up but it won’t be that interesting because they are far too normal for this shit – Luke and Lisa. Luke was the tall glass of water Sophie Monk was meant to pick, and Lisa’s other name is Dodged a Bullet after Blake Garvey didn’t pick her and then do a sad break up photo shoot with her in New Idea.

BUT WAIT! CLOSE UPS OF BIRDS LOOKING SCARED AND FLYING AWAY AND HORROR MUSIC AND DRUMS IS THERE A CYCLONE OR SOME KIND OF DISASTER ABOUT TO STRIKE THE ISLAND WHAT’S GOING ON I’M AFRAID?!!

Oh hang on, it’s the producer’s subtle intro music for Leah; the villain from Matty J’s season who everyone hates because she had the gall to try and kiss him IN FRONT OF HIS OTHER GIRLFRIENDS! And she was also mean or something but I honestly don’t remember.

She’s followed by Davey who was on Sam Frost’s season of Bachelorette and whose biggest accomplishments since leaving the show include moving out of his parents house and adding to his collection of fluro singlets from Ozmosis.  He’s been flirting with Florence over Insta lately which is a real thing now so I guess he’s hoping she’ll be here.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! HERE SHE IS!

Florence strolls on in like she owns the joint in a matching bikini top and skirt and honest to God I am 100% here for her.

 

Queen Florence, 2018. 

 

She also mentions the flirting she’s been doing with Davey on the internets and this concerns me because Davey is basically every f***boi from the Gold Coast and Flo is a majestic Dutch unicorn.

Everyone else arrives but as Osher explained, more and more people will continue to show up over the coming days so basically this is just a revolving door of naked people who all look similar, so they better get themselves some D or V or at least come up with some sort of half-baked drama or they be saying bye bye to paradise.

The other people who arrive include Brett who no one recognises but apparently sported blonde tips in his season with Sophie Monk. Thankfully, it seems that dying over them has been his main focus since. They have to make up some sort of drama about Brett maybe having a girlfriend back home otherwise there is literally no other reason for him to be here apart from being filler in board shorts.

 

New phone, who dis?

 

Also from Sophie’s reject pile is Eden who I feel like no one ever gave enough credit to because he has a super cool kiwi accent and mad break dancing skillz and introduces himself as a shark surgeon. So far, he is the only dude with a personality.

This includes Jake, who calls himself second runner-up in Georgia Love’s season. You may remember him as the dark haired Lothario who wore a hideous pinky ring and has since been very busy auctioning himself off for charity.

Finally, Nina from Sam Wood’s season turns up and I vaguely remember her as being very unhappy about intruders and starting some kind of war against them but I also could be over exaggerating which doesn’t sound like me at all.

Anyway, time for some DER-RAMA!

Osher explains that each week, the power of the rose ceremony will switch between the men and the women and of course the first group to have the power will be the women because #feminism. Also they haven’t even bothered introducing some sort of fancy, special white/orange/magic rose or just plain sex rose because all everyone here plans to do is bone in their tiki huts 24/7. There is literally no time for any of that white rose nonsense.

Anyway, the der-rama goes as follows: Flo and Davey have been Insta flirting as Flo is yet to realise Davey doesn’t know that Dutch isn’t a country. However, Flo ALSO met Jake at that celebrity Family Feud taping and, according to Flo, they, “talked on Instagram, got smashed and hooked up.” I wish I could say, same here, babe, but I don’t like to leave the house I have no idea how that works.

 

Literally how I imagine Davey talking to Flo.

 

Jake and Davey are both despo to impress her but Davey has also caught the eye of Leah who pretends not to care but then giggles like a drunk maniac every time they talk. Behind Leah’s back, Davey begs Flo to give him a rose, but then when he gets to choose someone to go on a date with, he completely 180’s and picks Leah.

This is dating in 2018, guys. This is why I don’t like to do things.

Leah and Davey go on this super not-awkward date to 100 metres away from everyone else, and it is precisely at the moment they kiss that I realise this entire show is just being the sober person at a club watching all the drunk people desperately make out. I.e. not fun but also a little bit fun.

 

This is our life now, guys. 

 

Flo is pissed at Davey for being such a f***boi obviously but she’s also mad at Jake because Tara told her he is the biggest f***boi on the Gold Coast ever which is saying something really because I used to live on the Gold Coast and honestly the thirst levels there are pretty spectacular.

Cue the beginning of what is sure to be an epic smack down between Jake and Davey over who is the biggest F***boi on Bachie Island. Honest to God, the hormones flying around on this island must make it very difficult to concentrate. It’s Tropical Hormone Soup.

Now, I never do this, but I gotta give the producers some credit here. It seems they aren’t even trying to hide behind a facade of romance and good sportsmanship, because their next move is to allow Jake to pick the next date. Yeah, the producers aren’t here for romance. They’re here to f*** shit up.

The first thing Jake does is call on his boyz to discuss what he should do which is basically just the height of romance and maturity. Even though we know he’s going to pick Flo because he’s despo to bone her again and win this sex triangle and convince her he’s not the biggest sleaze in QLD and he is definitely not going to honour the bro code and not pick her because Davey likes her. Are you following all of this so far? It’s very complicated.

 

Oi, lets go to Goldfingers.

 

Despite Davey telling Jake not to take Flo because she’s his, Jake obviously picks Flo anyway because boyz discussions are just for show and women are property to fight over.

Oh and he asks her out with a straw in his mouth.

Florence, you deserve so much better than this.

Tune in tonight to find out who will win the next round of Biggest F***boi on Bachie Island.

 

 

*Edit* I wasn’t sure whether to actually include this at all, but I thought it worth mentioning that, yes, I acknowledge that Blake has also shown up this season but I am refusing to write about him because he is a terrible person who beats people up and I hate him.