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The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

 

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

 

sam sister

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa. 

 

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

 

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

 

lana boat

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

 

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

 

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

 

hay bales

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

 

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

 

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

 

leo 2

 

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

 

nina happy

Yay! Intruders suck!

 

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

 

finale carnage

Someone got paid to decorate this. 

 

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

 

zamels ring

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

xx

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

 

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

 

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

 

lamborghini

Do Nissan know about this??

 

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

 

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

 

wow gif

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

 

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

 

pool kissing

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

 

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

 

vanilla milkshake

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

 

jacobs creek

This…

giraffe

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

snez and sarah

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

x

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The Mayor of Friendzone

11 Sep

Well at least we can agree something interesting happened tonight!

 

Just so we’re clear, this has pretty much been my face for the last 12 hours….

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

I’m not OK, guys.

I really wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Melbourne tram union and go out in protest, but then again, Oprah always tells us how important it is to sort through our feelings otherwise we end up constipated and wrinkly. Neither of these things suit me.

So it’s Home Visits night – the annual event of Bachie + Bitches + Bitches Families = Awkward Level 10. And, to an extent, it didn’t disappoint.

Woody started off doing some SERIOUS water thinking and then even more serious shaving thinking. Then shirtless shaving thinking. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many neurons firing at once.

I mean, he spent most of last episode assuring the bitches that his feelings for them are not about their families, but then explains tonight that meeting their families is a McBig Deal and could make or break his feelings. #logic.

HEATHER

Ok, so Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather hinted at the fact that she “didn’t have a proper family” last episode. I joked about her collection of beanies (and homemade jewellery) standing in for them which I now feel a little bit bad about because her dad died.

It isn’t clear what happened with Mrs Heather, but that is irrelevant because all you need to know about is…

warwick

WARWICK.

Guys. Do NOT f*%$ with Warwick.

He is a bone fide Queensland farmer/steamroller who ain’t got time for nobody. The story behind Warwick is that Heather worked on his farm from a young age and he has been like a second father to her.

He is legit terrifying.

Woody shows up with his six-pack of Peroni and best button-up shirt and tries to play the “I’m from Tasmania mate, so I’m just like you. Cows and horses and nature and stuff” card. Bitch, please.

Warwick spends his screen time dropping truth bombs on Woody and Heather and not even cracking a smile. He makes Woody go through the remaining 4 girls one by one and list off what he’s attracted to in them. The best part of this is that Woody refers to each one as “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and so on. It has about as much emotion to it as a scientist listing off his experiment subjects.

Nothing Woody says impresses Warwick and Australia lets out a collective cheer that Warwick should be elected the new ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’. I would watch the shit out of that.

He then takes Heather upstairs to a carved wooden swing, which I bet every bloody dollar I have that he made with his own bare hands. She tells him how crazy this experience has been and Warwick basically tells her that if Woody (or any other man she may come across) hurts her, he will get his shotgun off the wall and go postal.

LANA

Cue triumphant mist music as Woody and Lana meet atop a mountain somewhere in the NSW hinterland because Lana is v v travel. She only rendezvous on magic, mystical mountains.

Woody is still completely gaga for her and they spend a solid ten minutes staring at each other on a boat. And talking about how beautiful the scenery is. I feel like I’ve seen this before…

They arrive at Lana’s house and are greeted by Mrs Lana and a mystery blonde lady. Mystery blonde lady doesn’t seem too phased by this whole business and just continues to carve up a delicious South Cape cheese platter. Because South Cape is obviously a sponsor of this show, and because I love cheese more than a lot of things, here is a picture of South Cape cheese. South Cape, can you please send me some delicious South Cape cheese now??

south cape

True love.

Mrs Lana uses a paper thin excuse to get Woody alone “downstairs” and ask him important mum questions. Lana looks worried. I think she’s scared her mum is going to show him pictures of her without her hair swept to one side.

Blah blah blah my daughter is too good for you blah blah blah don’t make her move to Melbourne you mean Bachelor man.

Nothing else interesting happens.

SARAH

Sigh. I like Sarah. But her and Woody combined are just a very large Vanilla Milkshake.

Vanilla Milkshake start off with a fancy picnic by a beach box. Reports say beach box belongs to her family. Her family got money.

Mrs Sarah puts on her Pottery Barn apron and takes Woody into the herb garden (no seriously, it was seriously a garden dedicated to herbs) and that’s when Twitter delivered this:

prue

#accurate.

She lays down the gauntlet with this gem: “If your personality was an animal, what would it be?”

Obvi he tells her he’s a puppy. Because woolly mammoth or komodo dragon would probably scare her off. Does Woody know that puppies pee on everything and eat their own vomit??

Me? I’d be a domestic cat. I’m lazy and like people to pat me.

Blah blah they all have dinner at Sarah’s fancy house with her parents, cousins and grandma. Who is barely shown. FYI, Channel 10; nanas make excellent television. Fact. I want more nana time.

sarah nana

I bet you were more interesting than everyone else.

PARMIGIANA

Woody can no longer imagine Parmigiana’s daughter to be some well-loved Cabbage Patch Doll because she is HERE IN THE FLESH!

Little Kiev is super excited to see her mum and the guy who made her mum catch farm animals for him.

She has come prepared with a long list of questions, one of which requires Woody to name the capital of some sort of exotic country. He can’t do it. Geography was not Woody’s strong area in high school. The other question is, “Do you like One Direction?”

More big questions to ponder.

kiev

Do you love my mum? Tick YES or NO.

The three of them then retire to Parmigiana’s family home to have dinner with all of Perth. There are like, 100 people in that house and food for 200. It’s impressive.

If I were Woody, Parma would have this in the bag. I love a meat spread.

Parmigiana’s father doesn’t seem too phased by the guy dating his daughter as well as three other bitches, so he passes on grilling duties to Parma’s brother; the baby-faced assassin.

This guy is Warwick 2.0: The Europe Experience. I mean, Hell hath no fury like a protective ethnic brother. He accuses Woody of trying to steal Parma away from their family, and is definitely not impressed by the fact he is a communal boyfriend to three other women.

Meanwhile, Parmigiana looks genuinely shocked that her sister isn’t totally on board with this husband competition.

Whatever. Once the pastrami is packed away, they pash outside and Woody goes on his merry way.

NON-COCKTAIL PARTY

There isn’t really a cocktail party tonight. The four bitches just kind of stand on the balcony, looking concerned and reflective.

Woody is hidden in his secret Bachie pen, swiping through his potential wives on an iPad. #romance.

ROSE CEREMONY

Just typing this is already bringing tears to my eyes. I wish I could mask the pain with sarcastic jokes, but I don’t think I can.

I honestly thought Sarah was gone. I mean, Parmigiana is safe because what an A-grade douche Woody would look like sending her home immediately after meeting her real-life daughter.

And Lana is obvi safe because Woody appears to still be hypnotised by her big eyes and travel lifestyle.

And OBVIOUSLY Heather is also safe because they are in love and she is going to win…..

What just happened?

Sarah just got the first rose.

Parmigiana gets the second.

It is between Cool Girl and Travel Girl. I legit can feel my heart rate shoot through my nostriles. WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!

Heather is going home.

That’s what is happening.

I think I screamed like a banshee. Then blacked out.

This is not OK.

I am not OK with this.

Cool But Not So Cool Girl, the only one with any smidgen of a real personality, has been friend-zoned in the most brutal way and will now return with her carton of beers to take over Jacinda’s duties as Mayor of said Friendzone.

It is fecking heart-breaking. It is literally like the time Joffrey killed Ned Stark on ‘Game of Thrones’.

I think I might be a little too invested in this show.

heather sad

Winter is definitely not coming.

If I ever do run into Sam Wood, I am going to punch him in the anal glands.

tyra

I’m out. x

The Bachelor Season 3: The War is Over

10 Sep

The battle is over and peace may reign again my friends.

 

Take from that what you will. It’s a spoiler, but whatever. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.

 

Welcome to the episode I will affectionately refer to as “The Warm-Up to Home Visits”. For realz, tonight just kind of felt like some weird mormon speed-dating/psycho beach sex party thing that we had to get through so that Sam looks more legit meeting four women’s parentals tomorrow.

Usually around this time in the show, Bachie and his harem of lady meat are whisked away to some sort of tropical/foreign/far away place where they gush over scenery and do a lot of the same kind of shit they do at home but just with nicer back-drops.

Like, in 2013 they went to Western Australia with the final 8 and then to Thailand with the final 2. Last year they went….somewhere and then to Africa? Sorry, I’ve kind of blocked the whole Blake saga from my memory. But they definitely went somewhere tropical.

But, because this is 2015, the year of #budgetcuts, Woody and his final 5 are being whisked away from Sydney to…. a beach house just outside of Sydney. They are not even trying to hide the fact they have no money anymore. Unless they are saving erry goddamn penny for the finale to be set at the freaking North Pole. Or Richard Branson’s house.

 

beach shack 3

#budgetcuts.

 

The five bitches all look super dooper excited to be all going away for the weekend to a beach house someone rented off an Air B’n’B sale. They are sitting around in the Rotunda (clearly after the last rose ceremony) and eagerly discussing how amazing it is that some guy from Tasmania has decided that they might be potential wives for him. They cannot wait to get started on their Non-Holiday.

Uh-Oh! Der-rama!

Mother Nature has cruelly turned on Bachie and his romance dreams and has made it piss down raining, how very dare she! Not to be deterred, Woody is staying positive about their getaway and whipping up a couple of cheese platters and some Monopoly to keep everyone entertained.

And you know what happens when you combine a beach house with torrential rain? It becomes A SEX HOUSE! Hooray!

 

spongebob

Silver linings, people!

 

Basically what happens from this point onwards is that Woody takes each bitch on a quick mini-date to some sort of local “beachy” attraction and then to some kind of lounge room with a beach view. #beach

Lana

Guys, Lana is showing her cute, playful side! She’s wearing her panda beanie! Gosh, she’s so cute and zany.

 

lana hat

I got this beanie in a foreign country.

 

Because she is a serious golfer, they trot off to hit a few balls at the driving range. Lana shows Woody how to drive his club straight and hard.

Woody is still clearly smitten with her and continues to marvel at how travel she is and then explains that he’s “always preferred women who are smarter” than him which really doesn’t narrow it down, I’m sorry.

Then they go sit on a couch in a room somewhere. Where are they? WHO OWNS THESE RANDOM LOUNGE ROOMS THEY GO TO?! I mean, is it Osher’s dressing room? What is going ON?!

Basically Lana has final 2 in the bag and is already planning the igloo they will live in in Iceland.

 

Snezana

Shit is going downhill FAST, because Parmigiana’s “date” is literally the two of them walking around Random NSW Beach Town in the pouring rain.

 

walk in rain

More #budgetcuts.

 

You gotta love the first few weeks of dating, don’t you? When you’re like, “Oh my god, a romantic walk in the rain? I’d LOVE that!”

Fast forward five years, and it’s more like, “Are you f*$#ing kidding me?!”

Amirite, ladies?

#beach date over, they head to another random lounge room.

Parmigiana has photos of Kiev to show to Woody because Kiev is her daughter. It seems to dawn on Woody at that very moment that Parmigiana has an actual daughter and not an imaginary daughter that she dreamt up in Health class. They start throwing words like “family” and “pressure” around and all of sudden Sam is trying to figure out a way to dig himself up from this family-shaped hole he has gotten into.

 

Heather

Heather is the lucky one of the bunch. She gets to go to an actual restaurant. Mind you, it’s one of those restaurants stuck onto a Best Western on the side of a highway, but hey, beggars and choosers and whatnot.

Because she is still the Cool Girl of the group, they do some cool things like eat teppanyaki and piss off the chef who just flings food at them like he couldn’t give a f*#%.

 

teppanyaki chef

I better be getting paid for this.

 

Cool #beach activity over, they also retire to a couch and drink beer. Because Heather is cool. Only cool people drink beer.

But more der-rama! Woody is totes worried that he and Heather are slipping back into Friendzone because she insists on calling him awful things like “dude”. This is obviously just a ploy to trick us into thinking she might go home tonight, but we ALL know who that award’s going to so do not even try that on, Channel 10!

On the other hand, Cool Girl is “shitting herself” about home visits because apparently she doesn’t have a family? I’m very confused about what she’s going to do next week. Introduce Sam to her large collection of beanies?

Big questions to be answered.

 

Sarah

I basically have no idea what happened here because Busy Businesswoman has poured all of her personality into her job, how very dare she, and has none left to give this show.

SURPRISE! They too sit on a random vanilla couch somewhere and say vanilla things to each other.

 

chandler asleep gif

Best. Date. Ever.

 

Nina

Oh Ninz. Erryone kind of knows your time is up except for you. This is made obvious through Sam’s pre-date interview that sounds very much like the speech you make right before you break up with someone and run off with their best friend to Bali.

And by “date” I mean they stand on the side of a canal and go fishing. And by “go fishing” I mean we watch awkwardly as Sam throws a fishing line out into the water like an 8 year-old girl and tries not to make eye contact with the woman he is clearly going to dump.

Nina is worried that, should she make it to home visits, her mum will try and cut her grass which makes me extra sad because we are definitely not going to see this happen.

 

cool mom

How I imagine Nina’s mum.

 

Cut to (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR) another random lounge room where some thoughtful intern has left them a cardboard box of flake and minimum chips to snack on. #beach.

Woody lists every single thing he can think of about Nina that is a euphemism for “you’re too loud and annoying” because Woody only likes girls who are feminine and quiet and don’t have opinions but she doesn’t get the hint.

Boys, if you’re reading this, “I loved your energy” is pretty much the second worst thing you can ever say to a woman, just quietly.

Poor Nina is adamant that she can still prove to Woody that she is, deep down, really boring and submissive.

Don’t count on it, babe.

 

Cocktail Party!

Because Woody has spent sah much time and effort coming up with all these #beach speed dates, he has decided that he is DONE, and tonight, the bitches come to him.

This sends all the bitches into a tail spin as they internally debate the pros and cons of a woman approaching a man!

Nina uses the extra thinking time to remind us that the war between the Originals and Lana the Intruder is still going strong and the total horror of their communal boyfriend choosing a bitch he has known for 3 weeks over a bitch he has known for 3 months would be an absolute travesty of justice.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but there are no participation ribbons in the game of love.

 

Rose Ceremony!

After the world’s least riveting cocktail party of six people sitting around on more couches, the vibe has taken a dramatic nose dive.

 

rose ceremony 2015

Please don’t make us sit on more couches.

 

Because Lana is so very travel, she gets the first rose.

Parmigiana and Busy Businesswoman get the next two.

Leaving Heather and the leader of the Intruder vs Original Revolution, Nina. I told you Channel 10 were going to try and pull the Seed hand crafted wool over our eyes.

Heather is final 2, y’all. Ain’t no WAY she is going anywhere.

It’s curtains for Nina. And with her, the battle is over. William Nina Wallace has been sent to the gallows, or wherever loser revolution leaders go…

 

braveheart

Never forget.

 

 

Join me tomorrow for the reason this whole episode existed: Home Visits!

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The Colour Bored

4 Sep

Wow.

I never thought I would say this, but I am legitimately running out of bitchy, sarcastic things to say.

But it is definitely not my fault.

NOTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW!

A part of me didn’t even want to write this post in protest for the complete lack of drama and effort on everybody’s behalf.

I thought we were off to a good start with Woody in his Rebel Sport getup, taking a leisurely early morning kayak to think about roses and feelings. Usually this means serious der-rama is going to go down.

 

sam kayak

I really hope something interesting happens today.

 

Meanwhile at the House that Spotlight Built: Something something Sam, something something, connections, something something GROUP DATE!

But first, let us get into our Nissans and show you all the amazing features it has for a Nissan while we drive to our date in a Nissan for five minutes.

Guys.

They are legit filling time by showing bitches in Nissans.

 

grumpy cat

No.

 

Rachel says that “competing against other women for a man goes against every bone in my body.” At least it’s good to know she went to the same School of Logic as the rest of the bitches.

They’re at a warehouse. They talk about culture. Oh, sorry, I mean “kulcha”. Woody loves him some kulcha.

This week the bitches have to prove they are wife material by channeling their desire to bone Sam into art work. Sam pretends to be surprised that he has to topless model for them.

Off comes the kit and the bitches cannot even stem their flows.

 

mr bean

Kulcha!

 

Blah blah blah muscles, blah blah abs.

All of them are pretty shit at art and kulcha, except Parmigiana who once drew an Aphrodite mural on her bedroom wall as a teenager. Because Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love. This show is about love. Woody is looking for love. Are you picking up on this this deep yet subtle connection?

 

clay sculpture

More kulcha.

 

Post-artwork drinks turn into an everyday booze fest and Rachel says Sam needs to “sell himself” to her because this is her life as well as his.

Somebody GOTTA tell her that Tinder exists.

As if he has magically read her mind and wasn’t placed there by the assistant producer, Woody appears and they have one of the most terrible conversations I have ever witnessed. Rachel has the people skills of a hard-boiled egg and Woody just does his best to stop his man parts shrivelling up into his body.

As a prize for her amazing kulcha skills, Parmigiana and Woody go upstairs to Randomly Placed Ikea Living Room Display. Talk talk talk about Melbourne and Perth. Sam asks if she’d be willing to move cos, you know, there aren’t any children in WA for his business to thrive on so obviously it’ll be Parmigiana and Kiev makin all the effort.

Parma doesn’t even give two f*$%s about Perth and has already bought a plane ticket. Problem solved.

SINGLE DATE.

Still banging on those battle drums, Nina will not.let.it.go when it comes to the intruders. This original vs. intruder thing is so fecking boring I want to cut my ears off and mail them to her.

Whatever trevor, bloody Busy Businesswoman Sarah is down for Date #3. She is seriously date-lapping evrryone now.

Woody has only just picked her up at the front door and I’m already bored out of my brain. They are both vanilla.

In the limo, Sarah is gifted with her own pair of “diamond” earrings and I’m all of a sudden really confused as to how a bitch was just handed some Zamel’s jewellery without having to dig for it?!

“Omigod, I’ve never been given diamond earrings before!” Honey, you still haven’t. #budgetcuts.

SURPRISE! Now they’re at a fancy room/restaurant overlooking Sydney Harbour. What a refreshing CHANGE!

I literally do not know where the next ten minutes of my life went.

Nowhere interesting. Oh yeah, Sarah got a rose. Yawn.

 

nicki bored

 

ROSE CEREMONY.

Ummm….. I’m sure something interesting happened here? Maybe something to do with Nina and Rachel hating each other now because… because….um…. OH YEAH! Because Rachel is v v skinny and Nina is a fat slob because she doesn’t eat paleo and is obviously not worthy of Woody love.

Yep. Normally I would shamelessly cheer on any glimmer of drunken, illogical bitchiness, but when it comes to body-shaming for no good reason, you’ve lost me.

Rachel tries again to charm Sam with her skinny good looks and warm wit but fails miserably. All of the Real Housewives combined are better at this than her.

All of this extra screen time for Rachel can only mean one thing: Girlfriend is going home. Which is probably for the best considering how nasty she is, but at the same time, a damn shame due to her being the only one with fragments of a personality.

All Original bitches get roses. Nina is extremely happy about this. It’s down to Rachel and Lana and OBVIOUSLY Lana ain’t goin anywhere because she is sah travel and we all saw Woody lose his knickers over her last episode.

And yep…. she’s gone. No one cares. Including me.

Guys, I really don’t know what’s going on. People keep telling me that it’s mainly to do with the fact that Sam is legit there looking for real love and doesn’t want to lead anybody on.

WELL. If that’s the case, someone at Channel 10 ain’t doing their job properly.

 

Can someone please go and grow a personality? Kthnxbyyyyye.

 

britney bored

 

x

 

The Bachelor Season 3: Eggs Over Easy

3 Sep

I think the message has really hit home this week, guys….

 

Wife Hunting is SERIOUS BIZNAZ!

And, in this case, love really IS a battlefield.

 

pat

Serious battle faces ON.

Gosh, between the tears and the sweating and the ovaries, it’s become the dating equivalent of the Bar Exam.

Because things are tres #serious, the bitches are sitting around the Formal Dining Room talking seriously about how seriously sad they are that their sister wife Elbow got kicked to the curb.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 Who is Actually an Intruder, Rachel, feels super bad that she got a rose and Ebru didn’t. The guilt is practically consuming her.

The other bitches are quick to console her; “Babe, it’s tooootally not your fault, mmkay? Our boyfriend is under serious pressure right now. Finding a wife is like finding a cure for cancer.”

Because she is into cars and shit, Nina is obviously all about competition. She cannot stop talking about the Original Bitches vs. Intruder Bitches. It is clearly the original bitches versus the intruder bitches. I mean, clearly the original bitches deserve more love because they have been sitting around a waterfront mansion WAY longer than the intruder bitches!

Osher arrives in a polka dot shirt, looking fresh as a daisy thankyouverymuch, and delivers TWO DATE CARDS! IT’S PRACTICALLY A PARTY!

Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather calls somebody “Bruz Cuz” because it’s important that we remember that she is still really cool and down with it.

GROUP DATE.

Jennifer Love Hewitt! It’s the Ovaries Test this week! Hooray!

A million children descend from a neighbouring hill, wielding sticky hands and give-a-f*$% attitudes! The bitches look terrified. Woody, on the other hand, is watching closely to see whose uterus is glowing with the promise of new life. CHILDREN! OVARIES! HORMONES! MATERNAL!

The paper-thin premise seems to be that each bitch will be in charge of their own “station” of child-related exercise/activity and I really really hope that teeball is involved because I was ALL about that as a 10 year-old.

All of the bitches are honestly way more concerned about approaching a bunch of children than hey should be. They hang back in their denim butt shorts, looking wary and terrified while the wildling children go ape-shit on some sports equipment.

Super Busy Businesswoman Sarah admits she “doesn’t know how to talk to kids”. Now, I ain’t no parent, but I’m preeetty sure they speak the same language as us and, FYI Sarah, if you hadn’t already noticed, it is very important that you get along with children and prove your ovaries are worthy of Woody wood. Haven’t you learnt ANYTHING?!

Parmigiana, on the other hand, is all over this like a rash. Because she has had heaps of Children practice with her own Child, Kiev. Luckily, the native Children pick up on this and don’t try to assimilate her.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 is clearly barren because she is not connecting with any of the Children and her ovaries are failing her miserably. Lesbihonest, she is really here to try and inject some drama into this vanilla-flavoured Bachie Pudding, and will clearly not be getting to the end. That position is reserved for Intruder Lana who is just saaaah natural with the Children and talks to them like they are humans and helps them throw basketballs through hoops like a maternal champ.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t around earlier in the season to prove her bubble soccer and sheep-wrangling skills, so she isn’t home and hosed just yet, guys.

Finally it’s Nina’s turn to bat, and Heather has faith in her because she is “physically tougher.” (This is a bad euphemism for “Nina’s the fat one.” Kind of like how “Communications Assistant” = Receptionist. I’m on to you, Cool But Not So Cool Girl..).

Cut to mandatory shot of Woody showing how NATURAL he is with Children and doing totally non-prompted push-ups with a Child on his back. The bitches are all suddenly pregnant.

 

bachie high five

Yeah! Feminism!

 

After they recover from their PTCS (Post Traumatic Child Syndrome) at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, it’s time for Single Date. Errybody is certain that it is Nina’s turn for a second date and DEFINITELY not either of the Intruders because that would be a freaking travesty of justice.

LOL JKS! Intruder Lana gets the date, suckaaaas!

Nina is bloody ROPABLE because, although she’d come to terms with her boyfriend dating 6 other bitches, how very DARE a new bitch come in and go on a date with him! The original bitches gather around to console her and Heather says she can’t imagine “how it feels to be on Nina’s end” because she’s usually too busy thinking about being on Woody’s end, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Nina goes inside to cry herself a river, but Lana could not even give two f*$#s because she is down at some boat shed faster than you can say anal glands.

Look, I’m kind of getting a little tired of all these boat/water-related things that they keep doing. I mean, how hard is it to book a ghost tour or get a mechanical bull brought in for some real dating fun?

Woody and Lana’s date is basically 10 minutes of water, travel and eyes. They parasail over the water, talk about how travel Lana is and compliment each other on the beautiful eyes they have grown.

Seriously, can someone drop Sandra or Emily back in and make things interesting again?

Water activities complete, Woody takes Lana to a waterfront restaurant where a guy who looks like Ed Sheeran is singing some naff song on the balcony just for them and trying not to cry with shame. I bloody hope Zamel’s are paying him well.

 

ed and jamie

I’m pretty sure one of these guys was there….?

 

They do some romantic dancing to the naff music while the poor guy is just standing there singing at them, and it is about as awkward as watching a few baby seals being clubbed to death. I’ve never hated something so much.

However, during their post-dance chat about how travel Lana is because she lived in Mexico and has been to Iceland, it becomes pretty clear that Woody is falling for this intruder hook, line and sinker. He says something about “reassessing” his feelings. In other words, he is falling in love with Lana and BachMan and H-Bomb are nothing but a distant memory. The other bitches are going to be SO. PISSED that Woody has forsaken an Original for an Intruder. But at least something interesting might happen, amirite?

 

jelly wrestle

Did that jelly wrestle meaning NOTHING to you?!

 

Lana returns to the Wife Detention Centre just in time for the rose ceremony, looking v v much like the Intruder Cat who got the Bachie Cream. The other bitches aren’t even trying to pretend they are happy for her. They are legit giving as much as a f*#$ as those kids they taught “sports” to this morning. (Side note: apparently that ginger who sang to Woody and Lana is famous?!)

 

nina not care

#acting.

 

What follows is several minutes of cat’s bum expressions and awkward drinking. Things have gotten so serious that they are not even attempting to mingle or go outside anymore but are literally just sitting and waiting in silence for their shared boyfriend to come and speak to them for a few seconds. #serious #romance.

Except for Tall Blonde Intruder (Rachel) who is the new resident Biatch now that Emily has left. The producers are clearly trying to set up some last-minute tension between her and Nina because we can’t POSSIBLY go into the final episodes of this show with all the women LIKING each other! I mean, that would be a bloody outrage!

Nina keeps banging on her battle drum, talking about the rivalry between the Originals and the Intruders and that if she gets dumped for an intruder she will cut someone. I’m a bit worried this means she is definitely being dumped for an intruder.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Shit is still super serious as Osher comes in and does his rose maths. One bitch’s ovaries will be sent home tonight.

Lana already has a rose, Heather and Parmigiana get a rose, leaving Nina, Rachel and Busy Businesswoman Sarah. The three of them look totes emoshi and #serious. Woody is stalling. He seems to be doing some serious thinking. Emotions are running high. There is no body of water in the immediate vicinity to help soften the thinking pain; it’s looking grim. Everyone starts worrying this might happen….

 

crying

Bachie feelings.

 

And he’s out.

Woody has dropped the rose and hot-footed it outside. The pressure has gotten too much for the poor pet. GOSH wife-hunting is hard.

Woody calls desperately for Osher who comes out to the kitchen completely bewildered that someone has proactively asked to see him! It seems as if his CLEO Bachelor of the Year skills are FINALLY being put to good use! Don’t worry, Woody, Oshie got this. Feelings, feelings, wingman, feelings, connections, feelings.

 

osher wingman

This guy: putting out fires left right and centre

 

Heartfelt emotional crisis over, Woody returns to his harem ready to boot….wait…what is that? Is that a third rose in his hand? What is happening? Why does Woody have extra roses? Why is he blatantly going against Osher’s rose maths? He’s giving ALL the bitches a freaking rose! THIS IS NOT THE RULE OF TRUE LOVE, WOODY!

 

Oprah-You-Get-a-Car-Gif

You get a rose! You get a rose!

This is the worst. All that #serious drama and no one bloody goes home in a Nissan.

It’s the dating equivalent of getting a participation ribbon.

You’re on probation, Woody.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The One I Couldn’t See

28 Aug

So here’s the thing.

 

I couldn’t watch last night’s episode, which has actually turned out quite well for me since, due to the alleged dating-in-the-dark theme I’ve been informed about, I can now proudly use the above lame title pun because that’s exactly who I am as a person.

 

So instead of trying to watch the episode on the internets and use up all my data, I had my clever ghost writer compile some notes which I am now going to transpose into this post. They are bloody hilarious and I am legit interested to see if I can make sense of notes from a show I did not see at all. Considering it’s Bachie we’re talking about, and not ‘Inception’, I reckon I might be ok.

 

Here we go…

 

The producers want to remind us how dramatic and scary last episode was when Bitch Face decided to walk out of the rose ceremony on her own free will. Free will is scary.

The original bitches are doing their bloody best to find out erry little detail about intruder bitches and why they could POSSIBLY be here. Ebru is particularly upset and confused as to why the new bitches are even interested in Woody; she thinks they are a new type of bitch who have wandered onto the wrong show because they couldn’t possibly be here to bone Woody…. babe. Think about it, please.

(P.s Ebru is clearly going home tonight given that she has had more air time in the first ten minutes of this ep than the entire series thus far. And she is wearing a hideous velour headband.)

Some choice panning shots of The Mansion that Spotlight Built and, lemme just say, the grounds keeper must be using flipping elf blood to maintain those wisteria, because they are on fleek. The bitches gather around the Mess Hall and talk about how ‘different’ it is waking up in the mansion now that there are so many new bitches trying to get their mitts on communal boyfriend, Sam.

Because the producers clearly want to make Ebru the mean villain tonight, they show her saying how much she hates the intruders. Again. #subtle.

Nina tells us there will be drama tonight, because there are new bitches and if an old bitch gets ditched for a new bitch then bad feelings will happen.

Original bitches continue to question intruder bitches and New bitch – Blonde Tall Bitch #4 (Rachel?) is all, “back off, stahp asking me shit, I don’t even know you and do not want to be your friend. KK thnxbye.”

Osher appears from the door way and what… no tailoring at all, just a shirt from Cotton On. This show’s budget concerns are deeper than we think, guys. To try and distract everyone from this, he pulls out some GOLDEN LOPES! Cool But Not So Girl Heather keeps saying she wants ‘Ebs’ to have the date this week. Not sure why considering she is boring as feck and is clearly the new mean villain that everyone should hate now.

Don matta, cause Heather gets a second date anyways. Lol!

Sweet Valley High, the second envelope is… a GROUP DATE! (Thank you for listening to my prayers, Channel 10). The bitches seem excited except for Nina who is angry about something, but I didn’t care enough to write it down.

They all fanny downstairs to find Osher who explains the group date is a date about attraction; it sounds science-y because he uses serious science-y terminology, but it is basically just a boner test in the dark. Science. Allow me to put it in riddle form for you: How much wood would a woody-giving bitch give if a woody bitch and Woody can’t see the wood? The real question.

Because this date is definitely not about the fact that they are running out of money fast, the group date is just a lot of eating in the dark. The bitches and Woody start talking shit in the dark and Parmigiana points out that it’s really dark in the room. They are eating Chinese food and it looks as though they have forgotten that there are no staff here to pour their champers and clean their shit when they are on dates. Someone has to clean all the shit they are dropping on the floor and table. Turns out a lot of them are just Neanderthals with a spray tan.

Now here’s a question: what is the most unsexy thing ever?

Blindly mashing food into your own face? Wrong! It’s blindly mashing food into someone else’s face whilst a national audience watch on.

The new bitches flank Woody at the table and BTB#4 is still v v uptight for someone on a national program in a dark-eating boner competition. On the other hand, Lana has definitely done this before because she is playing Woody like a fiddle.

Because she was able to speak to Woody without being completely snore-worthy or dropping beef and blackbean all over his chinos.

 

eating in dark

I can really taste our connection.

 

The original bitches are obvi upset, but still respect Lana for ‘going for it’. Hashtag gogirl!

After the spine-tingling events of the group date, it’s on to Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s second date which is diabetes themed.

He picks her up in an ice cream truck which is weird because it kinda just looks like she is on some rando stretch of highway getting picked up in an icecream truck. I think this is the producers trying to show how “fun” Woody is because he totally chose to drive this embarrassment machine.

They go to some garden and there is a diabetes buffet waiting for them. This look like it’s meant to be a Masterchef promo but it doesn’t fly. Another random chef comes out and announces that he hopes they enjoy getting diabetes. Woody and Heather begin eating the “dessert dirt” but given their bodies we all know neither have touched an artificial sugar since 2001. They both pretend to eat the chocolate. They talk about how chilled they both are and I’m pretty sure she calls him Man and Dude again.

 

ice cream truck

This is definitely about fun and not about budget cuts..

 

After their delicious diabetes buffet, they move to a second location to drink away the diabetes. They have boring convo about their “connection” and their “understanding” of each other and continue talking about nothing, until finally they actually get around to stating what their ‘connection’ is. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that Cool But Not So Cool Girl can be her cool self around Woody. Woody seems surprised by this; he is confused as to why she would be anyone else, especially on a TV show where you are yourself pitted against other bitches being themselves.

They kiss. She gets a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion (now affectionately known as the Elf Garden) the original bitches are outside bitching about the intruder bitches. Funnily enough, the intruder bitches are inside bitching about the original bitches.

They keep saying the same things over and over again and I really want Sandra back so that something interesting can happen.

Cocktail Party!

Heather begins retelling her date to the bitches when Woody casually walks in. I mean, how awkward is it when one of your gfs tells the other gfs the details of your communal boyfriend’s tongue and texture (she didn’t say that but she should have because her explanation of their kiss was BOR-RING).

It’s now all about the intruder bitches vs. original bitches for a Rose Ceremony show down. The producers are clearly setting them up to hate each other and all I can think is how much I want Blonde Tall Bitch #4 to be a biter or a face-slapper since she seems like the bitchiest bitch now that Emily has left. As mentioned earlier, Ebru is OBVI going home because,“if I were to go home before the new girls I would be devastated.”

She definitely has a lot to say before she becomes a loser who needs to leave the temple of feminism.

Osher’s hair and wardrobe is on point again. Someone give it a raise.

Lana gets a rose.

Nina bitches about not getting the first rose.

Nina gets the second rose.

Blonde Tall Bitch #4 says she wants to stay.

Parma gets a rose.

Underscore music reaches fantasy-adventure-crescendo level shit.

Sarah gets a rose.

Cue fast strings and cymbals.

Nina talks about how Blonde Tall Bitch #4 is the worst and will be going home but erryone knows that is not true because Ebru is leaving fo sho.

For no discernible reason Blonde Tall Bitch #4 gets the last rose over Ebru.

Ebru and her velour headband leave in a Nissan.

 

giphysabrina gif

Intruders be like…

 

Nina looks shocked because she doesn’t understand anything apart from cars and weddings.

 

The end.

 

So how’d we do?

 

xx