Archive | July, 2015

The Bachelor Season 3: Nobody Puts Bitches in a Corner

30 Jul

I’ve…had…the time of my life.

No I never felt this way before…

About a guy I met yesterday.

 

baby lift

This definitely did not happen.

 

Oh the fun just hasn’t stopped in the House that Spotlight Built!

Since yesterday, there has been more sunrises, much seagulls and many water.

Bitches are sitting around the mess hall in their casual Seed daywear. (Hot tip: beige is back, apparently.) Osher and his extra 10 kilos stride in after a gruelling morning of muffins and coffee.

Hold everything!

He’s got a date card, girls. I mean, WHAT are the chances?! All the bitches try and look casual and devil-may-care and they all suck at it.

Dr Anal Glands is worried about not getting private time with Woody because she’s still, “got a lot more to offer than just anal gland chat.” Mm, don’t bet on it, babe.

Jasmin i.e. Fire Hazard, thinks it is v v unfair that one girl gets to spend time with their communal boyfriend. I don’t know where she’s getting this logic from, but I’m worried those fumes from her burning tutu got to her head.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah gets date #1, suckers!

And… SURPRISE! It’s on a boat! Now that’s revolutionary!

Woody is super excited to take Sarah out on the “wawtaaa” and spend time keeling and leaning and other nautical things.

They get cosy with a smart bottle of Yellow and a randomly placed beanbag and BBS begins to recall her infamous “dream” to Sam about how she went on The Bachelor.

You know, I had a dream too…that this date was way more interesting. Snore…

She returns from Dream But Real Date to many many questions from the gang who have been sitting around staring at each other and wondering whether they should’ve just stuck to Tinder. They have ALL the questions:

“Did you see his body?”

“Did you hold his anal gland, I mean, HAND?!” **

 

boat grab

Quick! Hold onto something sturdy…

 

GROUP DATE!

This is the sole reason Episode 2 is always better than Episode 1. Group dates.

Bachie takes 10 of his 19 bitches to a photo shoot in another random mansion somewhere. A lady not competing for a man’s attention is there. I wonder who she is? She looks very out of place. Oh right, she’s the editor of New Idea. Or Woman’s Day… something. She explains all of the bitches are going to do a photo shoot with Woody based on famous movies and the pictures will be published in her magazine.

Errybody loves a bit of cross promotion, amirite?

Sandra is told she will be partaking in a remake of ‘Dirty Dancing’ and the way she completely overreacts makes me wonder if she was kept down a grade or two in primary school.

Unfortunately for Normal Resheal, she is also going to be involved in this shoot. The producers are being A-grade dicks to her to get her to unleash some crazy. Come on guys, at least she showed up in her zany butterfly headband she got from Diva DFO! (No but seriously, never wear that again…)

Parmigiana and Tall Bitch #3 are Bond girls. Tall Bitch #3 looks like a baby giraffe on a tiled floor. She cannot comfortably pose to save her life. The photographer tries to make her feel better by asking her to “drape” over the hood of a car. She doesn’t know what drape means. Girl’s #drapegame needs work.

 

madeleine

Can’t #drape

 

Cool Girl Heather is put in the ‘Great Gatsby’ group. The other two bitches are mad because Cool Girl stands next to Woody, how very dare she, and gets to #drape over his shoulder which is totally unfair because they should be sharing him and his shoulder. Cool Girl makes more dorky jokes.

Back on the dirty dancefloor, Fire Hazard is dressed as Baby, while Sandra, Resheal and Sexy Lumberjack dance around Woody like it’s Friday night at Revolver. Jasmin/Fire Hazard looks pissed because she can’t slut drop but instead has to hold a stupid watermelon. Nobody puts Jasmin in a corner! If you did, she’d probably burn her dress on a candle.

 

dancing

This definitely did happen.

 

Skinny Emily has been gifted with possibly the most thinly-veiled case of favouritism. She gets to hang with Woody in nothing but her underwear and a shirt. Because ‘Ghost’.

Look guys, I don’t usually buy into all this, but HOTDAMN that is some sexy clay! The other bitches look like they want to punch her in the anal gland.

After the photo shoot, the bitches all take a cold shower and get ready for the cocktail party.

Someone figures out that there is serious tension and anxiety over the fact that 19 women are trying to marry the same guy. Cool Girl Heather gets another chance to be cool and dorky. She is basically Emma Stone in ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ but it’s actually starting to irk me. Sorry ladies…

 

emma stone

What she said.

 

Skinny Emily has it in for Heather. She is just Not. A. Fan.

She watches Woody and Cool Girl discuss Mario Kart on the lawn and declares that, “if he’s into Heather, I’m definitely not his type. I like day spas and fancy dinners out.”

Guys, I’m starting to think Emily might be more high maintenance than Osher’s hair.

Jacinda realizes she is on a reality TV dating show and crumbles to pieces; Woody is directed to go into the lounge room  finds Jacinda in tears. He coaches her back out into the bear pit like any good P.E. teacher and a hesitant 8 year-old.

Rose Ceremony!

Osher drops the bombshell that three bitches will be sent packing tonight. THREE! Gawd, this is turning into a bloodbath!

Jacinda worries she has ruined her chances by crying. I mean, the nerve of her to show emotion; this could mean trouble. Luckily, Woody is okay with tears and she gets the first rose. What a sweetheart!

Someone called Ebru gets a rose?!

Cool Girl gets a rose… obviously.

 

cool heather

I got this.

Everyone else gets a rose until there are four left: Tessa, Normal Resheal, Tall Bitch #3 and…..another girl. They all try and stay calm.

………………….

Tall Bitch #3 gets the last rose. Seems Woody is okay with sub-par draping skills.

I feel bad for Normal Resheal. She was just too normal in the end.

Tessa is disappointed too. She explains that she has many more layers to her that Woody never got to see. Mostly made of flannel.

Sexy Lumberjack out.

See you next week, friends.

x

** Please welcome my new writing partner. He will remain unnamed, but he is very funny and will have snide input into this blog from time to time. The hand joke was his.

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The Bachelor Season 3 Premiere: Into the (Sam) Woods

30 Jul

“Into the woods to Bachie’s house…”

 

Ladies and gentlemen, in the glorious names of dignity and gender equality, we assemble here again.

 

WELCOME BACK!

 

Gawd, I’ve missed you.

 

Sweet Valley High, we have officially begun Season 3 of Australian TV’s crowning glory, ‘The Bachelor’. *fan girl squealing*

I cannot even express to you how much I was aching to get back into this… Channel 10 have been teasing me worse than Missy Higgins and her lesbian following!

But I’ll tell you something for free; it was bloody WORTH IT!

Good gawd have they assembled a solid team this year. For realz, my numerous social media platforms were going off chops! I’ve actually never felt more popular.

But enough about me. Let the proceedings begin!

 

Cut to opening montage of golden sunrises, glistening oceans, fake tan, anal bleaching and dreams. In case you missed it, two other shirtless guys totally pashed on with two other blonde chicks in the last two years but one got proposed to but then he changed his mind and pashed another blonde chick who was good at making pavlova, so we are on to a winner with this show.

Enter Bachie 3.0.

Sam Wood. Tiger Wood. Woody. Woody Wants a Wife. I mean the dude has one of the broadest Aussie accents I have heard since Jamie Rogers in the Sportsbet ads.

woody

Get in line, bitches.

 

He lives in Melbourne (Omigod! What if we run into each other getting our pre-workout soy latte?)* but is actually from Tasmania. He has a kids fitness business called Gecko Sports. And he, “wears his haaart on his sloyive.”

#Straya.

It’s actually fine so far. Despite multiple gaydars pinging around the place, Woody seems like a decent bloke. I mean, I’m pretty certain that most people are just glad he’s not stupid Blake. So I’m more than willing to give him a chance.

Osher’s back. He’s had the full salon treatment. I’m guessing the Miracle Oil Deep Conditioning? But guys, just hang on….don’t get mad…but…has Oshy….*GASP* put on weight?

Not that that’s a bad thing. I think he kind of overdid it on the paleo and bikram yoga last year, so he is looking muuuuuch healthier  for this season. Hooray!

 

slutty-osher

Never forget.

Now that Osher’s had some carbs, let’s meet the bitches!!

 

Bitch #1 – Naj…Zhaja…Snijannn…. First Girl

Twitter was pretty sure she said “Vagina” but in the interest of keeping things clean, I’m gonna go with Parmigiana. Cos that’s what she called herself. Parma is hot and ethnic. I like her.

Bitch #2 – Busy Business Lady – Sarah

Sarah is very busy being a businesswoman because she walks briskly down the streets of Melbourne wearing glasses and stops on bridges to ponder why she allowed her need to be a businesswoman stop her from entering a contest to fight over a dude she barely knows.

Bitch #3 – Anal Glands – Laura(?)

No, she’s not a drag queen. She’s a vet. And she’s English. And so she has an accent. Which she felt the need to tell Woody straight away. As in, “Did you notice my accent?” No, bitch. I’ve said two words to you, just hold up! But could you please tell me more about anal glands?

And that is Exactly. What. She. Did. #DrAnalGlands for the win.

We are barely five bitches in and already I am so happy with my life choices.

 

sam yuck

This really happened.

 

We meet out of work actor personal assistant, Jacinda; cool, “real girl” Heather; a collection of boring, semi-normal women and then my new reason for living – Sandra.

Just imagine if Laurina’s dad had an affair with Maria Venuti and their illicit union spawned a child. A girl with a big rack and a penchant for high ponytails and yelling things really loudly. Well, that would be Sandra.

Guys, it is taking a lot of self-restraint to continue writing about the rest of the show and not just dedicate this whole blog to why Sandra is the best thing to happen to television since the Edelsten wedding. (Which one? Doesn’t matter.)

Sandra tells us that she’s funny and crazy and that a lot of women find her intimidating. So…… she’s annoying as f*#k. She is super dooper excited because her name starts with THE SAME LETTER AS BACHIE! Ohmagaad guys, this could be true love!

 

sandra

Practically twins.

 

Cocktail Party!

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, THE WHITE/SEX ROSE IS BACK!

This year they are trying to tell us that it gives the woman the chance to take Woody out on a date of her choice. As in, a woman is getting an iota of power on this show, this is BIG! I still don’t buy it. It will always be the Sex Rose in my mind.

The bitches are primed and ready for Woody to steal them away into the night and give them a chance to dazzle him in 3 minutes or less.

The House that Spotlight Built is in full regalia with fairy lights, faux flowers and candles, candles, candles. One bitch burns her tutu on said candles. First life lesson of the night: Don’t cha-cha near an open flame.

As usual, it is very clear that there is far too much champers and not enough toilets in this ridiculous mansion. Consequently, Sandra is getting white girl wasted at an alarming rate and starts complaining to the general area around her that people seem like bitches. Resheal, the token non-white girl of the season and completely normal-looking, reasons that it’s the first night and that everyone seems nice. She is obviously having a dig at Sandra and Sandra is not having a bar of it. Resheal once again reasons that she doesn’t like to gossip about people she doesn’t know and that maybe Sandra is overreacting.

Second life lesson of the night (according to Sandra): If you don’t gossip, you’re not a woman.

How can you not love this stupid show?!

Cool girl Heather, who is described as an “Aspiring Film Maker”, gets a moment with Woody and wins hearts ALL over Australia. Oh she’s just so COOL and NORMAL because she talks about superheroes and dorky things. WOW! Can I remind you that she also said that there’s just something about waiting for a man to come and “get you” that appeals to her. #feminism.

I assume she’s a poor uni student who goes to RMIT, so I’ll let that one slide.

Busy businesswoman Sarah gets the first rose after making Woody do yoga awkwardly in a tux. These girls are just so CA-RAZAY!

Shit is getting real, guys. There are only….. ummm….. actually I don’t know how many roses are left. But there’s a lot.

Some chick called Tess panics and decides she needs to bring in the big guns. She talks over her plan to approach Bachie with Cool Girl Heather. She looks v serious. Heather counsels her like she is contemplating donating an organ. Tess realises that she needs to “stand out”. Omigod guys, WHAT is she going to DO?!

 

 

Get changed.

That’s the short answer.

Tess goes and takes off her GASP dress and pulls on a smart pair of Timberlands and a singlet top. She is a sexy lumberjack apparently.

 

lumberjack

Goals.

With her new-found lumberjack confidence, Tess strides off to get chopping Sam’s Wood, ifyouknowwhadImean?

Meanwhile, Sandra has now reached critical level drunk and has decided to have it out with that normal bitch, Resheal. In front of everyone. Because that is what a good choice looks like. She gathers the other bitches up and declares that Resheal is just the worst for insinuating that she is a trouble-maker, refuses to speak with Resheal privately but reassures everyone that she forgives her. Resheal tries to explain her normal side of the story, but Drunk Sandra is not okay with this and some random mad girl tells Sandra to shut up and let Resheal speak.

It’s heaven.

It is at this point I remember that Sandra is a primary school teacher. Like, with kids. Tbh, I’m pretty glad she’s not my kids’ teacher but also I wish I had kids so she could be. Can you IMAGINE a parent/teacher interview with her?!

To give Sandra some credit, we have AAAALLLLL been that girl at a party. Don’t pretend you haven’t had too much spumante and danced on a table somewhere, screaming at everyone for hating on you. No? Just me? Moving on….

But hold the phone!

Woody looks thoughtful. He’s thinking about stuff. He’s going back into the house. What what WHAT is happening?!

He gets the White/Sex Rose! He’s going to give it to someone. I can’t deal. I bet it’s that skinny girl in the white dress I already forgot about. No, no wait…

It’s Cool Girl Heather! YAY!!

Collective cheers are heard around Australia. Cool Girl says any date she controls is going to be EPIC. I bet she takes him to some hipster garden party where jaffles fall from the sky and then on to a foreign movie screening.

Osh returns and tells everyone the first Rose Ceremony is about to commence. EEEEEEE!

The producers have reinstated the Batman Begins soundtrack and so everything is v v dramatic. Many bitches whose names I forget receive a rose. Even Anal Glands gets one.

We are left with Sandra, Random Mad Girl and a somewhat scary-looking chick called Zilda. Sandra contemplates the possibility that she might not get a rose. And we are gifted our third life lesson of the night: Maybe some guys just don’t like the full package.

If Sandra doesn’t get a rose I will cry. Loudly.

 

HA! As IF she wasn’t going to get one! The producers of this show are smarter than I give them credit for; Drunk Sandra is the reason this show exists! She mercifully gets the very last rose, which means we are left with two losers who are undeserving of love.

 

rejects

Bye Random Mad Girl. 😦

And that, my friends, is that. Episode One in what promises to be an epic season of Bachie goodness. I have not stopped talking about it all morning. My brain hurts I’m that excited.

Until tomorrow….

Anal glands.

xx

*This is probably never going to happen because I don’t work out.

How I Feel About… Delta Goodrem

12 Jul

Legit question: when did we all start hating Delta Goodrem?

 

A Level 10 Awkward Moment occurred tonight on ‘The Voice’ when Delta got fed up with arguing a point and walked off the set. And boy did she cop it. The worst of it is, tonight was the latest in a long string of outbursts from The He Man Delta Hating Club.

Now, as you would know, I am not one for unnecessary bitching* but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good dose of reality TV der-rama. I mean, why would we even bother watching television if it wasn’t for the chance to innocently rag on fame-hungry Geordie Shore residents or Kylie Jenner’s latest lip enhancement?

But honestly, when did we all turn on Delta? Because from where I’m sitting, she hasn’t committed any serious crimes apart from having one of the most enviable bloody weaves on television and looking crazy good in a white onesie.

It was recently announced that Delts had been cast as Grizabella in the new Australian tour of CATS. (If you are not one for musical theatre, Grizabella is the one who sings ‘Memory’ and has the epic smoky eye/false eyelash look.) And gosh, ERRYBODY had an opinion on the matter! And for the most part, a lot of it was not positive. Yes, I understand there is a genuine debate over the act of ‘star-casting’ musicals with known celebrities to boost mainstream appeal and ticket sales, but that is not what this is, and not something I have the brain space or word limit to open up right now. No, the public’s reaction to Deltabella was more personal, more targeted. From what I could see, a lot of people were “shocked and appalled” that, out of all the Aussie female celebrities out there, they chose HER. A woman who is an actual singer. What controversy.

And so I did a bit more research. (I searched the hashtag #TheVoiceAu on twitter. Because journalism.) My findings? The Delta bashing is not new. At all.

Ever since Delts first appeared on her big, red chair on ‘The Voice’ in 2012, the Australian public chose her as their new punching bag. And 2015 is proving to be no different.

She’s daggy. She’s insecure. She’s jealous of Jessie J. She’s fake. She’s too nice. She’s a bitch. She had an affair with Seal/Joel Madden/Anyone who has appeared on the show.

And I would just like to say… WHY AUSTRALIA?!

Delta Goodrem is a goddamn national treasure!

I mean, do you REMEMBER when ‘Born to Try’ came out? Every white girl under the age of 35 was all about that jam!

And speaking of white girls, that’s the other thing; a recent moniker Delta is often labelled with is “lame white girl”. Because apparently her dance moves are just so Drunk-Mum-at-the-local-Bowls-Club that we can’t stand it. Yes, that Instagram that Marlon Wayans captured of her was an unfortunate coincidence but one that Delts still managed to laugh off.

So what if dancing isn’t her best bloody skill? Who gives a feck? Maybe she IS a bit of a lame white girl. But go have a look in the mirror. Are you white? Do you own a few too many Sportsgirl striped t-shirts? Go to Club Retro on a Saturday night and dance to Chumbawamba?** Then you are probably a bit of a lame white girl too. I know I am. WE ARE ALL LAME WHITE GIRLS! WE ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE!

Allow me also to refresh your pre-2012-Delta memory:

Remember when she had CANCER? Like, for real. In 2003 she was diagnosed with Lymphoma, a type of blood cancer. She was 18 years old. She had chemotherapy, her glorious locks fell out and she rocked a mini fro’ for a solid year and a half. What were you doing when you were 18? I was straightening my hair with a clothing iron and working at Target. Girlfriend had real problems.

She also dated tennis player Mark Philioppoussis. As in, The Scud or The Poo as I prefer. Who dumped her for Paris Hilton, how very f*%&ing dare he. And she lived to tell the tale. Well, that’s a lie. She rarely talks about it at all. Because lady got class.

I guess my point here is that the woman has had her fair share of crosses to bear. Ones that we so often forget for the convenience of dumping on her every time she opens her mouth.

And now this rivalry with Jessie J is serving as a new avenue for Delta-bashing. For the record, I love Jessie J as much as the next person; girlfriend could sing me an A-Z of infectious diseases. But I really hate the fact that we are using her to highlight Delta’s flaws. Jessie is searingly honest and brutal at times, which is absolutely commendable, but not Delta’s style. Is that Delta’s fault? No. It’s no one’s fault. It is just two women with differing tactics and opinions on singing who often come to loggerheads.

And tonight it got a bit too much for Delts.

Was it over-dramatic? Maybe. Was it edited badly? Possibly. But was it completely unjustified? No. I think a lot of the viewing public forget that all of these blind auditions are filmed within the space of 24 hours. One day. One very, very long day. I mean, isn’t the fact that none of the judges have changed their outfit in three weeks a dead giveaway?

Can we just put this down to a long, frustrating day at work then? Havent’ you ever wanted to throw your hot coffee or Cup-a-Soup at that insufferable co-worker who WILL NOT stop interrupting while you’re trying to watch cat videos on YouTube? As a teacher I cannot tell you the amount of times I have done a very similar thing to a room full of obnoxious teenagers. (The walking off, not the throwing hot beverages at them. I would definitely get fired for that. And I gotta pay rent.)

So can we please just pull back on the Delta hating?

The next time you find yourself growing a little impatient with her or, like me, your jealousy levels are rapidly rising every time she flicks that glorious blonde weave around, try to remember the first time you played your ‘Innocent Eyes’ CD (do not even TRY and tell me you didn’t rush out to HMV to buy that shit). Delta is a nice person. A strong woman. A talented singer.

I look forward to Deltabella in CATS. I think she’ll do a bang-up job. Yes, maybe she is a little bit younger than what you’d come to expect of such an iconic character, but keep in mind Nicole Scherzinger just played her on the West End and she is a bloody Pussycat Doll! Just think about that.

 

delta

 

I’m out.

xx

 

*Not fact.

**My Saturday night. Fact.