Archive | August, 2014

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Bitch’s Place is in the Kitchen

29 Aug

Wow. Like Susan Sarandon’s boobs, feminism and gender equality were just flying all over the place tonight, amiright?

Also…WHERE IS BLAKE VADER AND HIS BOARDSHORTS? This is the second episode in a row that has not begun with a customary pec shot. Guys, I’m concerned for someone’s safety. Maybe he stabbed himself with his fancy cufflinks and the scarring is too horrific for national television.

But no matter, because he’s obviously in a fit enough state to take one of the crazy ladies on a date. And that date goes to Curly Haired Girl #2 – Zoe. As in the curly-haired one who DIDN’T get sent home in the Curly-Haired Death Match. Zoe is so super dooper excited that she gets airborne off the couch. The other bitches aren’t as enthusiastic, but they give it a red hot go. Honestly, just watching Canadian Horse Whisperer’s face every time she doesn’t get a single date is making my life.

Zoe steps out in her fav party dress and teeters down the jetty toward a waiting boat.

“Hellooouuuuu!” she coos at the poor old guy driving the thing. Let’s call him Higgins. Higgins chucks it into fourth gear (or whatever gear is needed to drive a boat) and speeds Curly Haired Girl Zoe across to some private island in Sydney Harbour where, as a welcoming gesture, Blake is doing The. Worst. Dancing. Ever. That. I. Just. Can’t. Even.

Run, Curly Haired Girl. Run for your life.

However, not put off by Richard Mercer’s inability to dance to anything that isn’t accompanied by a stripper pole, Zoe happily bounces down the walkway, ready to get lei-d.

With flowers, guys. Obviously Vader has gone to all the trouble of inviting these native Vanuatu dancers and flying them over first class in his sea plane himself. Not, but seriously, I’m pretty sure I saw one of the dudes from Home & Away in there. He was loving life.

Best line of the episode goes to Curly Haired Girl when she tells us that, “…my university boyfriend broke my heart, which was, you know, really heartbreaking.” No shit.

To comfort her, Blake takes Curly Haired Girl down to a kitsch tiki hut for a cocktail while the litter from Sydney Harbor gently washes up on the shore. Because Vanuatu. After explaining that he wanted to give CHG the chance to ask him “anything” she immediately responds with, “Are you a homo?” “Why did you keep me?”

I don’t remember his reasoning, but it was something to do with walls and feelings. Snore.

GROUP DATE!

Because Vader is not content with just measuring the bitches child-rearing abilities, he needs to make sure that their 60’s housewife skills are also up to scratch with a bake-off. This complete slap in the face to feminism is lost on the bitches though, because they all react with a disgusting level of excitement and general merriment.

susan

Susan is judging you

This apparent joy spills over into their arrival at the Kitchen of Female Slavery as they all excitedly walk arm in arm with each other. “Omigod we love each other! Cooking is good. We are all BEST friends who love to cook together!”

Bitch, please.

Richard Mercer is waiting for them there and tells them that he loves to have a good time in the kitchen, so it is v v important to him that he gets the chance to sit here and watch them all bake him something. Meanwhile, Osher looks terrified; he hasn’t been around refined carbohydrates in months. He’s not okay.

Mary is worried because she has never baked a cake. Like ever. Being a Drama student obviously means she leads a v demanding lifestyle which leaves her no time to cook. Like ever. Vader is shocked.

Louise, on the other hand, is all about the baking skills and pretty much bakes everybody else’s cakes which proves she is the best Stepford Wife. Meanwhile, poor Cara is attempting a choc orange Jaffa number which sounds promising, but she is promptly interrupted by a hungry Richard Mercer who has decided now is a good time for a chat. Unfortunately, Cara is a little pre-occupied with trying to create her culinary masterpiece, and their conversation is somewhat stunted. Cara tries to get Blake to help her out but he is actually super shit and judgemental and is too busy investigating their connection to be of any use. Obviously this is Cara’s fault, how VERY dare she.

Cara cops it again when Canadian Horse Whisperer tells her she’s going to turn off someone’s oven and Cara discovers that oven is her oven. But when she asks CHW if she turned off her oven, CHW is insulted that she would think she would turn off someone’s oven because she doesn’t like drama and turning off ovens. They are fighting.

They all sit down with their baked goods and Vader expertly proclaims that Lisa’s love heart cake was made with love.

Well, dude, if her cake was made with love, Mary’s cake was made with crazy.

It is actually the best/worst cake fail ever.

cake fail

#yolo

Louise’s, on the other hand, looks bloody delicious, and lesbihonest, I would eat the shit out of that. As a prize, Louise will probably get to touch foreheads with Blake for a whole five minutes. She doesn’t care that she won, though, just that Vader liked her cooking. Because values.

At the Rose Ceremony, Curly Haired Girl gets really emoshi all of a sudden because Vader is such a considerate lover to her and his eleven other beards. I mean, gosh, she’s just so happy to have found him. Camera cross fade down to her dress and it becomes clear that her emotional outburst was probably more to do with the fact that her own breasts were strangling her because they are OUT.

She graciously exits to clean herself up, when she is intercepted by the man himself. He seems happy to see her and her chest. “We haven’t really touched boobs.. I MEAN BASE since our date the other day,” he croons. Curly Haired Girl nods and holds it together and manages not to suffocate.

During the rose ceremony, the producers are doing A LOT of focusing on Laurina and Canadian Horse Whisperer, which usually means one of them is about to be condemned to die alone with 50 cats. OH MY GAWWWWD YOU CANNOT VOTE THEM OFF BECAUSE I NEED THEM!

Phew! The assistant director passes Vader the name of the girl going home tonight, and it’s Cara.

Oh Cara. Cara you poor pet. You are getting the boot because you couldn’t bake a cake and establish a deep connection and riveting conversation with a gay man at the same time. The producer tell Blake to escort her outside and explain why she’s being fired. But it’s too late. She knows it’s because she failed at being a woman because she couldn’t bake and talk at the same time.

Although her parting speech in the limo is oddly rational, so it’s probably for the best.

Join me next week when Laurina is forced to eat street pie out of a garbage bin.*

 

*that last bit might have been made up. But pie IS involved.

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Trip to Loony Park

28 Aug

So I asked my housemate if she’d seen tonight’s episode. She hadn’t. But then she said, “Let me guess; people went on dates, then bitches got cray, then there was pashing, then someone cried, then drinking, then someone got mad, then they all went home.”

Correct.

Welcome to the episode also known as “Channel 10 Needed to Fulfil it’s Contractual Agreements to it’s Sponsors.” But not wanting to skip ahead too far just yet…

No shirtless/rowing/swimming/stripping Blake tonight. Instead, straight to the bitches fannying about on the outdoor setting with their cups of Jarrah Instant Cappuccino. For once, Canadian Horse Whisperer Amber appears to be in a pleasant mood after being fed her required bacon and maple syrup for breakfast. But after her rose tanty last week, Laurina’s eyebrows point out that Blake doesn’t want high maintenance. Obviously she would know, she compared jumping out of a plane on a reality show with The Passion of The Christ. Because perspective.

Osher finishes making his zucchini pasta in time to get back to the mansion with a date card. Chantal is so excited, she wore her best coogee jumper. While Osher says lots of meaningless things about Blake and dating, the bitches all Ooh and Aah like those little alien toys in Toy Story. And then it hit me: This show IS ‘The Claw’ from Toy Story! Lots of not-so-bright creatures who all look the same sitting around in a confined space waiting to be picked by an inanimate, yet God-like (and probably gay) claw.

I’M A GENIUS! (Osher is Woody, obvi.)

 

the claw 2

I have been chosen!

 

Osher’s Assistant Chantal scores the date and Canadian Horse Whisperer can’t believe she ghd-curled her hair for nothing. Chantal is ushered into a waiting limo and taken to the first part of Channel 10’s attempt to keep their sponsors happy; The Darling Hotel. And who DOESN’T love a date in a hotel room by themselves?

Chantal is given a lot of instruction cards about drinking champagne, taking a bath and putting on the world’s most hideous sequinned dress. Because any respectable gay man loves him a little sequinned number, amiright? She gushes about how romantic this date is and Vader hasn’t even shown up yet. Good start.

EVENTUALLY Chantal is allowed into Richard Mercer’s presence and they have a really suggestive talk about fish and stuff. Then things really start heating up when Chantal suddenly explains that her  future baby name is Raphael. Vader remembers back to the time he made out with a guy called Raphael at a Full Moon Party. He looks happy too. Then he asks her if she can handle dessert and you’d have to forgive her for thinking “BJ?” but no, it’s actually dessert.

She gushes some more about the intricate, rose-shaped somethin somethin sitting on the table until one of the cameramen nudges her and tells her to look up. Because Adriano Zumbo.

Yep, bloody Adriano is there to promote Masterchef help them on the road to love. He looks embarrassed. But he’s under contract. He explains how to eat their subtly symbolic rose dessert and then goes and joins Osher in his shame cave.

Because Chantal’s explaining skills are really good at explaining things, she explains that all of the other girls will probs be totes jealous of her date with Blake which makes her really emoshi.

Emoshi. My new favourite word.

Oh yeah, Chantal gets a rose.

 

chantal

#totesemoshi

 

GROUP DATE!

So I’m sitting there wondering what kind of aeronautical mode of transport Vader will be arriving in today. Will it be hot air balloon? Scooter? Unicycle?

OMIGOSH WHAT?! He’s not coming to get them! They have to DRIVE THEMSELVES? What is this travesty of justice?

Oh wait, it’s just another badly disguised sponsor promotion for Ford. For realz, guys. Are things that desperate? Is Osher’s hairdresser costing THAT much money? Surely you could pull back on the 62-diamond bracelets and sequinned dresses instead?

Whatevs, because they arrive at the aptly titled Luna Park for a day of completely unforced frivolity with a chance to get a ride on Blake’s Big Dipper.

So, do you remember back a few weeks to that episode when errybody was just hating on Laurina, and Canadian Horse Whisperer blew her flaps calling her fake and stuff? Well, pretty much that happened again, but just with Jess/Elsa instead of Laurina. IntruderBitch Mary calmly explains that, “I always look for the weakest person so I can hurt them,” while the film crew whip out their garlic and crucifix and run for their lives.

While Mary hunts for her next prey amongst the arcade games, the rest of the bitches continue slagging off Jess/Elsa in the most ridiculous/glorious way. Canadian Horse Whisperer is adamant that drawing attention to oneself for the sake of a guy is not her style because throwing adult tanties every five minutes is considered a mating ritual in Canada. She also says that Jess “monopoleeees Blake” which is just another reason why she needs to stay on this show. Hachael/Holly 2.0 tries again to be upset over Jess’ selfish behavior but ends up just looking the same.

IntruderBitch Anastasia suffers from an acute case of motion sickness but gets on some stupid ride to impress Vader because nothing says true love like flying vomit. Laurina’s eyebrows then reminds us of how classy they are by calling Jess/Elsa fat.  Vader is surprised when he notices Cara amongst all the brightly painted clowns and, not realizing she was there, quickly covers up this faux pas by asking her to ride the ferris wheel with him. He gives her a guilt rose, which are obviously the best kind because she looks really happy.

All the bitches then need to prove their love for Richard Mercer by trying to stay on a roulette wheel the longest. Srzly, I was getting sick just watching all of this spinning. Jess/Elsa wins and the others take the news really, really well. Her prize is to sit on a carousel (more bloody spinning) and touch foreheads with Vader. The subtitles come on again when his voice drops a few octaves. Jess/Elsa reassures him she is looking for someone who makes her soul vibrate.  Ha! Vibrate.

Apparently they kiss in front of everyone (except the viewing public) and shit. gets. cray.

At the cocktail party of dreams, Laurina’s eyebrows go off chops at Jess/Elsa, asking her if she kissed Blake on purpose. I’m guessing this is because the gravitational pull around Laurina’s face usually means men just get suctioned onto her mouth accidently. All the bitches agree that it was really inconsiderate of Jess to spend time with the guy they all signed up to compete for, except for Lisa who a) got the girls out and b) is suffering from a severe case of logic. I love her.

Jess/Elsa apologises but Laurina’s eyebrows are on a roll. She tells Jess that she’s travelled to 15 countries in 7 years so she knows about humans. Come on guys, she’s been to Bali AND Tasmania; she’s very travel. She accuses Jess of breaking the kissing rule that she just made up. Once Jess/Elsa is crying, Laurina finds Vader and pulls him into the Principal’s office. She says dignity a lot and tries to remember back to more dignified times when he made her sit on a roulette wheel and ride a mechanical bull. Because dignity.

Luckily, Osher shows up just in time for the Rose Ceremony to divert her from swallowing him whole. His hair is a walking advertisement for Volumizing Mousse. Whatever he’s been using, I must have it; it’s bloody glorious.

Laurina’s eyebrows make a feminist stand by pausing a whole 2 seconds before accepting Blake’s rose. Obviously, he’s been schooled.

Vader cannot hide his disappointment that IntruderBitch Anastasia gets motion sickness and so she misses out. I mean, HOW COULD SHE?! Osher steps in and gently assures her his hair will be escorting her out of the mansion. She doesn’t even care.

 

 anastasia

 I’m freeeeeeeee!!!!

 

All that spinning around and talk of motion sickness was giving me a headache, so I went to bed.

Join me tomorrow for some good, clean and not at all sexist baking fun.

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: BitchCrashers

22 Aug

*INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!*

Retrieve your weapons, kids. Intruder bitches have infiltrated the Bat Cave and are on the prowl for sexy time with Blake Vader.

But before we investigate this breach of security, we must backtrack a little to a simpler time when Richard Mercer managed to get himself a yacht…

We open with another “casual” group hang out on the patio, where the bitches are talking about going on dates with Blake…SURPRISE!

Osher has called in sick again and so his 2IC, Chantal, begins her weekly spiel of explaining all of the complex and intricate goings on at the Mansion. But, WHAT?! Osher shows up! Albeit for a moment to give the ladies a glimpse of his impressive new weave and drop off a date card. Chantal looks disappointed.

Jess/Elsa reads the card with enough wonderment on her face to stun an elephant. Looks like Lousie (the one with the permanent lipstick) is going on the individual date this time. From the clever wording of the date card, the bitches decipher this date will involve Vader’s favourite things: water and/or a boat. They jump up and down in excitement for him.

Cut to Vader himself, casually gazing at the horizon from atop said boat. He explains to the camera that Louise is the most glamorous of the bitches so he wants to see if she can let loose and have fun. With champagne and seafood on a luxury yacht on Sydney Harbor. Because money.

For realz, Vader’s idea of challenging Glamazon to let loose is taking her on an effing yacht cruise. There are people lining up at St Vinnie’s with Coles vouchers and this bitch is slumming it with a bottle of Bollinger. I hate them both.

Whatever, they are both looking v v nautical with monochrome and stripes. Vader once again manages to notice that she is “rocking” her off-the-shoulder dress. Honestly, next thing you know, he’ll be taking them all to Broadway Jazz lessons and teaching them how to sew sequins onto skinny jeans.

As she steps onto the floating mansion, Mufasa explains to Simba that, “everything the light touches is our kingdom.” Simba/Lousie looks happy. She’s imagining all the vintage earrings she’ll be able to wear when they entertain royal subjects.

 

simba mufasa 2

We own this joint

Hooray! We’re eight minutes in and Mufasa is shirtless. I knew he could only stay clothed for so long. Simba/Louise strips down to a designer one piece. Also white. I’m sensing a white theme here – white boat, white wine, white bathers, lame white girl. The Manly Ferry chugs past the White Floating Palace and all the passengers gawk at the nakedness. Regardless of the possible gay thing, he is just so burly. So very burly.

All this staring at his pecs makes Vader feels a little self conscious, so the Love Boat weighs anchor and he takes Simba/Louise down to the poopdeck.

Meanwhile, Chantal and Sam have a scripted bitch session about Canadian Horse Whisperer and Simba/Louise. Which has obviously been written by a man. FYI Channel 10, women are mean. Hire a female script writer for the love of God.

Anyhoo, Simba/Louise gets back from her pretentious day on a boat and the group date card arrives. But DER-RAMA! It simply says, “Cocktails & Dreams.” One of the bitches makes the observation that this date card is very vague on the details. No shit, babe. Here we were automatically assuming Tom Cruise would be visiting to make you all Midori Splices.

The bitches look nervous. Osher’s back from Pilates for the evening and this time it’s him who needs to steal Blake away. This makes the bitches even more nervous and they pout at each other awkwardly.

Outside, Vader assumes Osh is there to talk to him about Bachelor-y things. After all, this guy is a CLEO Bachelor of the Year profesh! But Osher drops the WORLD FIRST BOMBSHELL that nine bitches are just not enough for one man, and so some fresh slappers will be entering the Bat Cave tonight.

Richard Mercer does his very best stripper acting, pretending to look shocked. But like the pro he is, he dutifully strikes a pose at the bottom of the runway and awaits the next batch of crazies.

Mary arrives and she is actually terrifying. Like, she has snake eyes that could bore through a skull. Apparently Mary is an “acting student” and her dream man is a tall, gay stripper man on a reality show. Convenient. Being an actor and all, she should be used to being around gay guys, so obviously they click. Rachael is next and she is Holly 2.0. I’mma call her Hachael. Unfortunately for her, she is even less interesting than Holly 1 and seems to have forgotten how to make facial expressions.

We don’t get any montage of Anastasia or Tarni. All you need to know is that Anastasia has supremely large teeth and Tarni doesn’t appear to have any lips. (On her MOUTH…come on guys!) But is Tarni even a name? Thank Oprah Tiarni and Sharni have left because can you IMAGINE the confusion?!

The other girls are Lauren and Aley. An actor/dancer and fashion blogger respectively. I.e. a waitress and an online shopper. I’m seriously putting that Logie vote in for these job descriptions. All up, there are six Bitch Crashers. Now, I don’t wanna say who just yet, but I am pretty sure at least one of them has a penis.

To say the original bitches are pissed is an understatement like no other. They are SAAAAAAAAHH pissed you can almost see them turn red under the layers of fake tan.

Bane/Laurina has a HR meeting with Blake and informs him he has breached her trust and she’s going to report him to the Supervisor for emotional trauma. Her eyebrows try to cry but it’s a lost cause. But credit where credit’s due; Blake Vader might be Channel 10’s tall, chocolate puppet, but despite this, he pulls out some of the most impressive sweet talking since Boyz II Men’s last record. Laurina melts like Tori Spelling’s boobs on a hot day.

On the other hand Sam, who usually loves to announce to anybody with ears that she is funny and dorky, does a complete Linda Blair and 180-ies on poor Vader. He tries to talk to her privately too but she is not having a bar of it and all the other bitches are stunned because no one EVER says no to The Bachelor.

Eventually she agrees to go and chat outside and his voice over tells us that Sam was feeling a lot of feelings and feelings are important because he feels things for her in his feelings. Feelings. His voice drops so many octaves that he becomes inaudible again. Props to Sam for being able to decipher a bloody word of that. Whatever Trevor, must have worked, because she looks happy again and is escorted back to the Red Room of Pain. (While we’re on this, we were able to see Sam from the back as she walked into the Mansion, and jussayin, girlfriend needs to run a comb through that hair.)

Craydar readings are spiraling out of control inside, as Canadian Horse Whisperer loses her shit. Um…just quietly, bitch needs to Stem. Her. Flow. Not only is she crying and wailing and just being a complete nutcase, but she’s saying lots of big words like, “devalued” and “depreciating” and comparing this show to being on the stock market. Because dating nine girls is OK but dating fifteen girls is like, not OK and how very dare he depreciate her stock.

Call of the night, though, goes to Cara who proclaims that this incident is a, “travesty of justice.” Now, I’m not 100% sure this even makes logical sense, but if it does, I’d bet my weave that that is completely not what this is. Cara, your face is a travesty of justice.

ROSE CEREMONY

The original bitches are giving serious stank eye because Hachael/Holly 2.0 gets a rose BEFORE some of them! Her facial expression still doesn’t change though, in case you were wondering.

Then Mufasa goes to offer Canadian Horse Whisperer a rose, but something dramatic is happening and Omigosh she is mouthing “sorry” to the other bitches and hesitating and I can’t deal because is she quitting? My emotions are reaching breaking point because I hate her but I love her and I’m so torn I just can’t even! But then she storms out onto the balcony like a cry baby and every viewer in Australia is just thinking SHUT. IT. DOWN. But also don’t because this bitch is making my life.

Luckily for us, Vader offers her a lifetime supply of maple syrup and bacon and she pulls herself together and joins the other bitches in the Bat Cave. Crisis averted.

In case anybody cared, two of the intruder bitches don’t get a rose. The one without lips and another girl who needs a good steak sandwich and chips.

So now the numbers are back into the healthy two digits. Will Vader discover which intruder has man parts? Will we see Louise without red lipstick on? Will Sam borrow Cara’s brush and do her hair properly? Sah many questions.

Join me next week when Richard Mercer demonstrates the completely non-sexist values of this show by pitting the bitches against each other in a Bake-Off.

 

 

intruders

So much manliness

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Vader vs. Bane

21 Aug

First up, I’mma say two things: this business of having TWO episodes a week on consecutive nights is accelerating the aging process at a rate I am not OK with. Because I am attempting to maintain a social life after 30 (true story) I sometimes miss parts of episodes and have to re-watch via streaming. Which is time-consuming. Srzly. The internets need to start paying me.

Second of all: BECAUSE of aforementioned programming, the resulting eps are becoming more and more uninteresting and formal. Like, Blake just seems to take a bitch out on a date, thank her for shit he’s not sure she even did, hands her a business card then heads to the studio to start his Love Song Dedications shift.  I’m bored already.

Yes I’m whinging. But I’m 30 now. I have furrow lines and a seniors card so I’m allowed. Whatever, on with proceedings…

TONIGHT’S EPISODE

Evidently Osher was held back at his cross fit session this week, because he is once again not there to dish out the individual date. But what is also evident is that Laurina’s eyebrows went to Maths class with Osher because she explains something something 4 out of 10 which means 25% chance. Because maths.

And because she aced the pop quiz, she gets the individual date and the other bitches are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah annoyed. I know this because the producers have taken to playing Bane’s theme music from Batman every time she’s mentioned. (I’m not even joking; close your eyes and listen to those dulcet tones.)

 

kinopoisk.ru

Everyone hates you, Laurina

This is actually top news for me because I have been aching for the episode where Vader and Bane would spend quality time together.

Vader comments that Laurina is only wearing her sneakers and jeans but is still “rocking it”. Look, I don’t wanna say I told you so, but straight men don’t talk like that. Jussayin.

Because the future of Gotham depends on it, Vader has decided to push Laurina out of a plane take her skydiving.

He explains in his uniquely spontaneous way that he is deathly scared of heights, and Laurina’s strength has inspired him to overcome this. In other words, she has bigger balls than he does and he’s hoping they will be there to cushion his fall. Sounds legit. While he reads off the autocue about “big black clouds” and “rain pouring down”, we are treated to lovely shots of a pink/grey sunset and gentle droplets of rain on a pond. Terrifying.

Unfortunately, Vader isn’t allowed to fly the plane they go up in; but guys, he’s wearing a rugged leather jacket, so we know he means business! In a fit of spite, he jumps out of said plane with Bane right behind him. And I just can’t even.

While trying to stop her face from peeling off of her skull, Laurina inadvertently shows us that she has more mouth skin than a bloodhound. “NO! NOT MY FACE!” she cries, as she hurtles towards earth with only her enormous jowls to soften the impact.

Luckily, her instructor has packed an actual parachute, and she makes inappropriate sex noises as they start the much gentler decent to ground. BUT DER-RAMA! Her hair has come loose in the process of plummeting downwards at 240km/hour. So she f&*#ing re-dids it then and there! Because priorities. Her ponytail is getting right up in her instructor’s grill as he is trying to navigate them safely to the ground and you can practically sense his urge to just cut her loose. Babe, no one would blame you.

Once landed, Laurina keeps saying “traumatized” and hugs Vader a lot, but really just seems relieved that her eyelids are still in the same place.

Meanwhile, at the mansion Spotlight built, Osher FINALLY shows up to set and tells the other bitches they are going to hang out at a kindergarten for the group date. Because ovaries.

After their traumatic experience, Richard Mercer takes Bane to the The Block apartments his “Bachelor Pad” for some fancy tapas and possible eyeing of the tiger. Obvi, this isn’t Blake’s ACTUAL house because he looks superbly unsure of where he is going, particularly after Shelley Craft has just been in with her team to jazz it up with everything from Kmart Home. But Laurina is super impressed because she is elongating vowels all over the place!

“Oh my gaaaaaaaaaawwd! It’s gawgeeerrss! Thank yoouuuuuui so muuuuuuuuuuch!”

In return, Vader decides to make her EXpresso martinis. *face palm*

They get ploughed with vodka and EXpresso and she gets a rose. Boring.

But then she returns to the Red Room of Pain to tell all the other bitches about her traumatic experience. The girls are pretty sure the date would have been shit, but are caught off guard when Bane starts laugh-crying like a champ. For realz, she puts Tyra Banks to shame. She keeps saying trauma again and then likens her jowl- flapping experience with that of Passion of the Christ.

No.

The bitches do their best acting, trying to seem concerned for Bane’s face, but are not-so-secretly dying inside. Luckily, the group date commences and everyone is happily passive aggressive again.

The ladies show up at a local kindergarten while Vader is busying himself doing weight training with children strapped to his arms. Also, Vader talking to all these children in his baritone has inspired my new nickname for him: Mufasa.

 The bitches are saaaah happy because they all love children and they need to show Mufasa that they have the maternal instinct. Cue lots and lots of face painting, squealing and tea parties. Oh and then the kids showed up. (I’m very good at jokes.)

Canadian Horse Whisperer is just hating on errybody today, especially Jess/Elsa who she believes is inappropriately muscling in on her quality time in the sand pit. So as punishment, at story time, CHW pretends she has a magic Disappearing Potion and disappears Jess/Elsa out of the way. At this moment, despite her never-failing smile, Jess/Elsa is wishing she had a pack of magically appearing horses to allery that Canadian bitch to Hell.

Blake’s Craydar is picking all of this up and he is not having a bar of it. In his to-camera bit, he forlornly asks, “Can’t everybody just get along? Is that too much to ask?”

Yah. Yeah it is, mate. THIS IS THE HUNGER GAMES! These bitches would tear each others’ fallopian tubes out with their teeth, given the chance.

After the face paint and immaturity has been washed off, they all get their babs out for the cocktail party and, turns out, Chantal has taken it upon herself to be Osher’s 2IC. She busies herself explaining things and asking the other bitches personal questions. This is all fine until the surviving curly-haired girl from last week, Zoe, is mentioned. Chantal is v v unimpressed that Zoe is not falling over her Spumanti to marry Blake right away. I mean, WHAT. A. PSYCHO.

Chantal’s fears are unwarranted, however, because Zoe gets a rose. Evidently, Mufasa saw enough of the inside of Zoe’s walls to keep her around. And he’s getting sick of all these straight-haired women. Alana, on the other hand, gets the boot. I mean, she didn’t get ANY paint on her face on the group date. How could she?!

Soz Alana. See you on the playground.

Weeeeeee!! Post-ep teasers tell us the new intruder bitches are arriving tonight! One looks potentially cross-dresser-y. This is very good news.

dog-catching-wind

My face! Not my FACE!!!

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Double Banger

15 Aug

So I’m back from the tropics and straight into the crazy bitches. Yes, I did miss last Thursday’s episode, but I was v occupied turning thirty and getting a white girl tan (bee tee dubs, Melbourne, you suck. I’m moving.)

Aaanyway, despite hideous jet lag, or maybe a few too many G&T’s on the plane, I am coming to you live with a double feature on this week’s Bachelor happenings that will encompass both Wednesday and Thursday nights’ episodes.  Hold on tight,because that’s a lot of bitchy staring.

PART 1 – BITCHES, START YOUR ENGINES

Even in a foreign country I got the news that Goal Attack had voluntarily LEFT! For a “netball opportunity”.  You guys, let’s all clap for Holly and her team for making it to the semi-finals against the Toowoomba Waratahs. Because I’m all about celebrating success.

So tonight, Osher comes straight from his Bikram yoga class to the mansion and talks to the girls about dates. Because this is a show about dating and one of them is about to go on a date. But we quickly get some commentary from Amber about how the dates are NEVER for her and how she’s really desperate waiting around for a guy to ask her out.  Yah.  That’s pretty much the premise of this show.  Lisa also says something not that important, but it is at this point that I really notice that deep voice of hers.  Maybe she and Blake are related? Now THAT be a twist I could get on board with.

Amber’s desperation misses out and the date goes to Sam. Amber throws one of her tanties. Sam pretends to feel bad. But then she finds Blake Vader posing in front of an old car that he pretends to know stuff about. She looks happy again. They talk about cars.  I’m sensing this car theme again, guys.

They drive for a bit but then stop at a set of lights where he tells her to, “remember this moment.” Of sitting in peak-hour traffic.  Magic.

Blah blah they go to a drive-in movie.  But before they can partake in the beauty of cinema they pay a visit to Tasty Shakes* and her diner for some old-school burgers and fries.  Tasty Shakes does a really awkward pirouette thing on her skates and brings them a banana split. Vader sincerely tells Sam he will try to, “not get any on your face.”

STOP. IT.

Because romance.

He then takes Sam to the hire car and she settles in, preparing to watch some old-school movie she’ll have to pretend to like.  But no! Oh my god, they’re going to watch The Life of Sam. Obvi I am just waiting for Mike Munro to walk out from behind that screen with his red book and majestically narrate Sam’s life story.  No no. Instead we see lots of lame pictures of Sam at parties and some footage that could be any random young child dancing around a room.  But we do learn that Sam’s constant upward inflection is a trait also shared by her sister/mother person/lady.

Vader tells a teary-eyed Sam that this was his way of thanking her.  For what I’m not at all sure, but I am pretty sure that he was actually enjoying a green smoothie with Osher when the video editors knocked this up.

GROUP DATE!

Amber’s tanty comes through for her and she gets a spot on the group date to….a race track. Cue many amazing puns on finding a co-pilot on the “road to love”. Diana reveals that she is ready to show Blake the roadmap to her open heart.  Gross.

The deal is, the bitches have to be blindfolded and drive through an obstacle course with only Richard Mercer to guide them with his gearstick voice.  Now, I actually hate the assumption that women are bad drivers.  Bloody HATE IT. Considering I am one of the best parallel and reverse parkers you will ever meet, I almost take it personally. But girls…COME ON.  You all suck.

More puns about roads and feelings without anyone getting run over.  Chantal wins the aforementioned blindfolded challenge and gets some alone time with Vader. Speeding around the track in another car. She’s again coming across all rational and articulate, until the producers notice that Blake is having trouble keeping up with her and suddenly she switches to talking about sexy cars. Vader remembers the sexy car he got to drive today and the light returns to his eyes.  Crisis averted, guys.

But then later, Amber shows up to the mansion with a rose?! How did she get it?  WHEN did she get it? Did she drug the props assistant and steal it from his cold, dead hands? Does Blake know about this?

Whatever, she lauds it over all the other bitches like NO ONE’S BUSINESS and they all stare at her and wish they had a flock of rabid horses at their disposal to allergy her to death.

At the Rose Ceremony, Katrina the musician declares that she hasn’t had enough alone time with Barry White apart from small talk and such and so has….*tear*…written him a letter.  She gracefully pulls the document out of the boob area of her dress (because class) and gifts it to an unsuspecting Blake. I’ll be honest here. The episode that I downloaded wigged out on me at this point and went all fuzzy and bejiggity. These are technical terms.  But I’m pretty sure I can assume what happened:

Katrina: I wrote you a letter. It’s in my boob.

Vader: A letter? With your hands?

Katrina: It’s about feelings. My feelings. I thought you’d want to know about my feelings.

Vader: I like feelings. And cars.

Katrina: Here is the letter. I was drunk when I wrote it.

Vader: Thank you. My hair stylist will enjoy reading this.

 

Yes? Yes. There is also a drawing involved in this boob letter but I just don’t have enough time or energy to get into that. It’s basically hideous though.

Luckily, Vader isn’t too perturbed by strange, voodoo portraits of himself, and Katrina sticks around. Some poor girl called Lauren gets the heel in the arse and has her flame extinguished. She mustn’t like cars. I wonder if there’ll be cars next episode? Stay tuned…

 

*Tasty Shakes = may not be her actual name

mike-monroe

You had one job, Mike.

 

 

PART TWO – THE CHINESE GARDEN OF BITCHINESS

*SPOILER ALERT*

I’m not very happy about the ending of this episode, but i’mma try to get through this part as best I can without throwing an Amber bitch fit.

We open with a sunrise over rocks.  And water.  Seems legit. The ladies are sitting around the drawing room in their playsuits pretending to like each other. Also legit.  Any minute Osher should come gliding through the door with a date card to talk to them about dating.  But it doesn’t happen. He. Doesn’t. Show. Up.

Did he do too many downward dogs and pass out? Maybe he choked on his chia pudding? The questions fly through my head before I’m distracted by Chantal’s announcement that tonight will be a double date with only one bitch declared the survivor. They are told they have one hour to make themselves look hotter than the other one.  But who will it be?

Turns out Barry White must have had nightmares over Katrina’s boob letter/drawing thing because she’s selected.  Along with Zoe.  The other curly-haired girl. Someone makes the very astute observation that they are two different people. Yeah, but guys, they both have curly hair!  Obviously, there can only be one curly-haired girl.  (I legit said that out loud about a second before Laurina said the exact same thing. And then I vommed a little in my soul; are we becoming the same person?! HELP!)

So Kat is a musician kinda like Holly was a netballer. And Zoe is a pharmacist in Vanuatu. So she wears a lot of maxi dresses. Yep.  They are saaaaah different.

They arrive at the Chinese Garden of Friendship/Drama and Vader looks honestly relieved that he’ll only have one curly-haired girl’s name to remember after today.

They both change into matching (and also slighty racist) Chinese gowns and sit down to dinner.  Now, hear me out, but here in my house we are starting to think that Vader may be a little bit of a secret homo. Because just like any good gay husband, his Craydar was switched to maximum power, picking up on the underlying der-rama between the two curly-haired girls. Neither was overly willing to get the claws out in front of him, so instead they just had an awkward chat about not really knowing each other, while secretly whispering death curses under their breath.  Honestly? Barry White looked disappointed. I know I was.

But no matter, because the chefs were right behind them bringing in a selection of weird and wonderful dishes that they were all going to try.  And by weird and wonderful, I mean just weird. Like sea cucumber and duck tongue. Which led to the call of the night (and possibly the season) when young Katrina declared, “I just tongued a duck.” I feel like we could be friends.

Evidently Katrina made the duck call because she is clearly being out-shone by Zoe in the curly-haired girl stakes. So she recites pretty much the same speech her counsellor has been giving her about being deep for the last few years. I just can’t even. If there’s nothing a guy likes more, it’s a random regurgitated psychoanalysis. Because feelings.

In an effort to get home to the non-curly-haired women, Richard Mercer quickly pulls each girl aside for a moment to chat. Zoe is v v rational and normal (and boring) but then tells us that she’s 99.9% sure the conversation went really badly.  Obvi because being rational and logical is punishable by death on this show.

But not to Richard Mercer, because he keeps her around and sends the other curly-haired girl home. At this point, I’m looking for a white rose again, but it’s no where to be seen.  Looks like that gimmick sank quicker than Kirsty Alley’s Jenny Craig contract. What he does give her, however, is a bloody diamond bracelet! Wait, make that a 64-DIAMOND BRACELET. Because Vader likes to do math, he needs to point out how many diamonds are in this bracelet that he didn’t buy for her. Maybe he got it from the same dealer he gets all his sexy cars from?

Back at the mansion, the bitches get mail. “What do you reckon it is?” asks one of them.  I’mma go out on a limb here girls and say it’s someone’s acceptance latter to Yale.  No wait, I was wrong, it’s a date card. SURPRISE!

Hide your crucifixes and your incense, ladies, because Anita is staying home this week! Luckily she still has that cocker spaniel hidden somewhere in the mansion to play with.

Ooh ooh, it’s a Psycho Beach Party! Well, not really, but a Psycho, Sexy Pool Party, proudly sponsored by Ikea Living. There are even fake flamingos.

Guys, it’s a pretty non-event where the bitches get naked and cheer on Vader to take his shirt off like any good stripper. Princess Diana gets a moment to chat with Vader and they awkwardly hold hands while she says travelling a lot. Because travel. All this travel talk makes Blake feel sad that he isn’t as travel as Diana, so he goes and talks to Louise. Who, just bee tee dubs, is wearing the most inappropriate earrings for a pool party! I’m sorry, I don’t care what medication you are on, but dangly, ornate earrings are not suitable poolside attire. And don’t even get me started on the make up and hair. For some reason, Louise thought they were shooting a Harpers Bazaar feature in the Maldives. Sweetie, this is a backyard in Sydney. Get your effing hair wet.

Speaking of hair, we’re back at the Rose Ceremony, and someone has obviously picked up on my disapproval of Kara’s hair, because this week she’s had the once over with the ghd and some smoothing serum.

Anita is back in action and steals Barry White away for a moment to have an “in-death” talk. Guys, that was not a typo. Not in-depth; she said “in -death”. Someone hold me.

Her idea is to ask him lots of questions and get to know more about him, but what happens instead is she giggles manically and spills her life plan of living in his attic and having ten million of his babies. Blake is understandably terrified, but remembers that as long as he keeps Anita in the game, Mr Important Executive will keep hiring fancy cars for him to drive. Moral Quandary!

OSHER! He finally shows up after his spray tan has dried and gives them all another maths lesson.  Apparently TWO bitches are going home tonight! Wait, what?! But…but….that curly-haired already left earlier in the episode.

Look, Channel 10, we had this problem last year. You can’t do this to me! They are dropping like flies! NO. Just NO. I will not accept this from you.

But as if to rub salt in the wound, both Diana AND Anita are sent home from Whore Island. I am not OK with this. Look, I was under no silly impression that Richard Mercer kept them in the game because he ACTUALLY liked them, but for realz? Both at the same time?! I’m crying into my Maltesers when…

POST-EPISODE DER-RAMA

 

NEW GIRLS ARE COMING!!!

Just like in Big Brother, we are getting Intruders next week. The current bitches are pissed. I am overjoyed. Omigod, remember Miriam the intruder from BB? I wonder if any of these girls have a penis too….

 

grumpy cat

No, Channel 10. One bitch at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Save a Horse, Ride a Bachelor

6 Aug

It’s time to get down and dirty ladies! Or not really dirty at all, despite the constant reminders.

This week was all about nature. Blake opened the episode by downgrading his yacht from last week, and instead, manning a kayak/canoe/dingy thing.  I’m obviously not one for nautical terms, but basically it required him to not wear a shirt.  Because water.

There was no time for mucking around tonight because we were jumping straight into the individual date…which went to White Rose Holly.  Now, can I just say, if you got the white rose on the first night, wouldn’t you expect to be taken on the first date, because obvi he likes you better then those other bitches?  Or is that too logical? Whatever, like any good Goal Attack, she snagged the shot.

Blake, who for the rest of this blog will be known as Vin Diesel, banged on about how he needed to up the ante on these dates and pretended to have organised a bloody sea plane.  I would have paid good money to see him actually try and fly that thing. But I got distracted by Holly’s INAPPROPRIATE SHORTS! Call me a prude if you must, but I just cannot get on board with fully grown women who wear shorts with the pockets hanging down their legs.  You are trying to bag a husband, not a vagina tan.

So they take off in the sea plane, and it’s all Seven Days, Seven Nights, except Holly isn’t a pretend lesbian (if you don’t get this reference, I’m not sure we can be friends).  She gushes a bit about the effort Blake has gone to for her; and it’s once again obvious to everyone not on this date that Vin Diesel has simply read his call sheet, put on a shirt (boo) and pretended to know what’s going on.

Blah blah they fly in the plane and then they’re on the beach.  As they come over the sand dunes, I legit think the Australian Children’s Choir is there to sing them I Still Call Australia Home.  Unfortunately, no.  But it IS an orchestra.  Because what else adds to the romance of a date on the beach than a 20-person orchestra?  Goal Attack is impressed because the water works start immediately.  Although I wouldn’t be surprised if that was more to do with the epic wedgie those butt pants were giving her.

Meanwhile, Osher is back with his kale smoothie group date card at the mansion. And then it hits me: Ladies, are you aware that you are standing in the presence of CLEO’S Bachelor of the Year 2004?! HOW HAS THIS NEVER BEEN MENTIONED?! All of a sudden, I have new found respect for Osher.  Well, not really, but still.

So errybody is hating on Laurina since she admitted to not already being pregnant with Blake’s babies.  I mean, how daaaaare she want to get to know him before she falls in love with him! Obviously we hate her. But apparently we all love Anita, despite the look she gives when not invited on the group date having the power to make my ovaries shrivel up and die.

While Laurina’s eyebrows are feeling the heat, Goal Attack and Vin Diesel have settled themselves on a conveniently placed bench, complete with vintage lamps and a cheese platter. GA says netball a lot and explains that she’s had to live interstate for her sport before. In other words, she stayed at the Best Western Newcastle a few times. And then OMIGOD they awkward kiss! Half cheek, half lips…even Diesel is embarrassed.  It’s beyond amazing. Because what’s the bet she’ll go home and play coy? Babe, he face-planted your chin. That’s not chemistry; that’s alcohol. And in celebration of Holly’s return, the other bitches are having a onesie party because maturity.

Group date time!

The ladies all show up in the same denim shirts and designer vests, except for Laurina who is rocking the side boob. BUT DER-RAMA! Canada has a bitch fit because there are horses and she is allergic to horses!  NOOOOO!!! It’s just so awful that she has a full blown melt down and effs off back home while the other girls practically salivate with glee.

Osher and his flannelette shirt are back and he keeps saying “country” and “get your hands dirty”. Because nature.  There is nature everywhere. A.k.a some rich person’s property in suburban Sydney.  With a mechanical bull.  No word of a lie, THAT’S the “get down and dirty” part.  Here I was expecting them to clean up horse poo or birth a live cow, but no, evidently they are going to prove their devotion to Vader by being sluts on a mechanical bull.  Because dignity.

Boring boring boring, Laurina and her side boob wins.

On their return, the bitches all get drunk in a barn and dance like Delta Goodrem.  FYI Vader, there is nothing sexy about a barn dance. Nothing. Particularly when everyone is white. Long story short, no one gets the early rose and it’s very uneventful.  Look, I don’t wanna be a whinger, but this whole episode was a little bit of a fizzer….

Until the Cocktail Party!

Vin Diesel has an inexplicable urge to speak with Anita and doesn’t seem to notice her entire body shaking with the pure strength of her voodoo spell. But before the poor bastard can lose his manhood, they are interrupted by Laurina’s eyebrows. Anita slinks off looking like a sad ventriloquist puppet and NO ONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT! Yes, that’s right, everyone feels sorry for creepy dolly and throws a ‘We Hate Laurina’ party right there on the spot. Canada chucks one of her famous adult tanties about something no one cares about or understands. Laurina’s face most likely.

Laurina then returns to the passive aggressive party and cops a full on beating from Sam’s inner bogan.  I KNEW that two-toned hair existed for a reason! Maybe I underestimated that girl. Stay tuned for a girl on girl smack down.

All of a sudden, it’s the rose ceremony and, can I just say, how happy I am that the Batman theme music has made a return? And keeping in the theme of over-produced tension, Holly pretends to feel sick and drags Vader outside with her, presumably to shoot for goal? Which gets me thinking; where is the white rose? Is it still a thing? Can Blake not think 2 weeks ahead? WHY isn’t it a sex rose? So many questions…

It bloody doesn’t make an appearance, instead we have to settle for regular red roses this week and, at the end of the day, Amanda misses out. Not to be totally racist, but I’m pretty sure she was the only one left who had any sort of ethnicity in her that wasn’t lame white girl. Coincidence?

 

Whatever. I’m hoping for better things next week. I know he’s pretty, Channel 10, but can we at least try and make him interesting?

 

P.S. So I’m totally leaving for Vietnam tomorrow.  Which means I will miss tomorrow’s episode. Yes, I’m bloody devastated. BUT, stay tuned for a double-banger next week upon my return. Please don’t judge me; I’m turning 30 this weekend and I’m 3 hours younger in Vietnam, so…

 

 

qantas ic

Where ARE the kids from the QANTAS ad when you need them?

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Here Comes the Bitch(es)

4 Aug

“Goin to the chapel and we’re,

Gonna get (fake) married.”

 

TWO EPISODES IN ONE WEEK!?  Is this an early birthday present for me, guys?  You shouldn’t have!

(No really, you shouldn’t have because I’m still working every night and thus am doing stealth viewings at my place of employment.  I’m bloody exhausted!)

Anyhoo, Blake Vader introduces the episode while on a boat.  Because water.  Because muscles.  Something something about steering his love ship towards the horizon…

Meanwhile, the newly selected bitches are all congregating in the mess hall of school camp, otherwise known as the supposed Mansion kitchen, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Even Osher’s in on the camp act, showing up in a bloody flannelette shirt.  One that he probably bought from a sweat shop whilst on his “spiritual journey”.

The ladies awkwardly discuss the possibility of going on the first individual and group date.  “I-need-er” (Anita) laments her short-comings should she be selected for the group date.  “I’m not good with big personalities,” she admits.  I think you mean anyone with a personality, sweetie, but moving right along.

Surprise!  It’s a single date that goes to “It’s-my-mums-fault-I’m-beautiful” Jess.  The one with the big mouth.

Immediately, Anita explains that this is not acceptable because she is the absolute jealous type.  Once again, proving that going on a TV show where you compete to the death for a guy is a good life choice.

Vader modestly tells us that he has old-fashioned values, so instead of having Jess meet him anywhere, he wants to pick her up.  Now, I’m no car expert (are you shocked?) but I’m pretty sure the one he showed up in costs a bit more than a Toyota Corolla.

“It’s so gallant!” Jess exclaims in genuine wonderment.  Wow.  The dude who is potentially dating all of your slutty housemates and wants to show off a hire car he can’t afford is gallant? Evidently Jess dated guys from a swamp in high school.

Because she is the chosen one this week, we get a quick little montage of Jess running, sitting and drinking coffee.  How lucky she too loves to sit and watch the sunset near water!  No wonder she gets the first date. Because sunsets.

As they speed over the Harbour Bridge, Jess tells Vader he should let her drive and he laughs awkwardly.  I’m guessing this was to mask his mild panic at the dudes with armed weapons waiting for him at the end should he hand the controls over to anyone not on the insurance agreement.

They rock up to an abandoned underground carpark/warehouse thing and all I can think is FAKE SNOW!  Some poor bastard organized fake snow.

In what can only be Channel 10 attempting to expand their audience to include pre-teens, the designers Blake has taken a leaf from ‘Frozen’ and created a winter wonderland of sorts.  Any minute Idina Menzel will arrive and serenade them.  Sadly, she makes no such appearance, instead, Vader growls that he wanted to do something really special blah blah blah…first date..blah blah.  Babe, we know you spent the last 3 hours in make-up while the intern scoured craft markets for fake ice and plastic flowers.

They don the ice skates and look dreamily in each others eyes for a while, until Blake mentions something about being Ryan Gosling?  I legit prepare for him to take his shirt off, but apparently this is actually in reference to a scene from Crazy Stupid Love that does not include a six-pack, but rather a catch.  Snore.  I fast-forwarded through this bit, pausing momentarily to see if they would fall and slice a finger off.  Nothing says romance like a trip to the emergency room.

Eventually, Jess is gifted with a dress that is very in step with the whole ‘Frozen’ theme and makes her way down a runway of sorts in a very awkwardly managed sequence that makes it look like she is being sacrificed to him.  Jess/Elsa then retires to a couch with Barry White and they talk softly about feelings.  Is it just me, or does anyone else lose the ability to hear him when he talks at such a low frequency?  Props to Jess/Elsa then, because the girl must have the hearing of a mutant!  He gives her a rose and they kiss.  The end.

Back at the asylum, it’s my favorite point of the episode – GROUP DATE!

Praise be to God, Anita is selected along with Laurina to go on the most inappropriate first date in the history of everything – Battle of the Bitches, I mean, BRIDES!  Four girls are chosen as brides, while the others will play the part of bridesmaids in a photoshoot.  And this is where we meet Cara.  Where did she come from? I hear myself saying.  Well, whoever she is, girlfriend needs to run some John Frieda frizz-free through that hair, just sayin.

Laurina is chosen as one of these said brides, which is fortunate, seeing as she could wear her eyebrows as a headpiece, so that’s economical.  The other girls don’t see the practical advantage of this decision and don’t clap.  DER-RAMA!

Tiarner (???) cracks the sads over having her hair done in a mildly sophisticated style.  She bitches at the make-up artist for what seems like 5 minutes but apparently the girl is a mute or just doesn’t give a shit (most likely this) and continues on “gallantly”. (Also, gallant is my new favorite word.)

Laurina calms everyone’s fear about the shoot because she was a model, so she is really good at modeling.  She is also really good at talking about modeling. Model. Modeling.  She models really good while three other loser bridesmaids stand around plotting her death.

While all this modeling is happening, Anita shows up to watch her potential victim husband pretend to marry someone else.  “Turn around Blakey boy,” she whispers, and, I swear to God, I see her wings curl up in a cloud of black smoke.  Luckily Blakey doesn’t hear this or else I’d bet his rectum would have seized up to the size of a pin hole.

At this point I’m hoping to catch the update on HairGate, but to no avail.  Instead, Disney Face proclaims, “Today is the day Princess Diana becomes a bride!”  Why has no one spoken to her about this?! WHHHYYYYYY???!!!!

 

Anyway because I am soooo late, I’mma speed right through this….

 

We make it to the rose ceremony without anyone losing an eye. Osher drops the bombshell that TWO bitches will be going home with no Blake tonight.  That’s one person plus a whole nother one!

Anita’s enchantment holds strong and she stays.  So does Laurina and her eyebrows.  It turns out Vader WAS a fan of the bridesmaid up-do because Tiarner and her hairtastrophe are sent packing.  And another girl who hasn’t had any air time. BUT WAIT!  The rest of Laurina’s face starts to get verrrry upset.  Chantal is having none of this and scolds her for crying in front of Vader because she should feel totes lucky to have made it past the second week of a competition where she is competing for a husband who took another chick on a ‘Frozen’ date and macked on with her twice.

“I don’t even care.  I don’t even know the guy. I’m not emotionally invested.  I’m thinking far too logically for a model.”

Disappointing Laurina.  I expected better of you. That is not the attitude of an upstanding Narre Warren local/model.

She better get back on the crazy train or I will go out in protest.

 

Until next time, bridezillas!

 

 

 

jess

Let it go, let it gooooo-ooooo…..

 

 

P.S. This time I ACTUALLY promise to get my recap in on time, guys!