The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Serious Business

10 Aug

Guys this might just be my most important recap in the history of all the sarcastic recaps I have ever written.

And it has nothing to do with the “sudden” DER-RAMA that wasn’t really der-rama at all last night. (Some girl called Sian wasn’t feeling it with the Matty vibes and yeah…that’s about it. He took her outside and they were both like kthanx byyyyyyye!)

No.

It’s also nothing to do with the fact that a lot of the women jumped out of a plane and one of them cried.

It ALSO has nothing to do with the fact that one of the girls revealed she used to be in the Hockeyroos aka THE FUNKING OLYMPICS which seems like something I would normally latch right onto like a fox terrier.

None of these things.

It has everything to do with this:

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE YOUR ENROLMENT DETAILS ARE UP TO DATE AND YOU VOTE YES FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY ON THIS STUPID PLEBISITE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WRITING ABOUT THIS FARCICAL HUSBAND COMPETITION WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST TO BE STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLES.

 

“This is just offensive.”

 

I mean, in a way, it’s kind of similar to the way the producers are assholes to the girls on this show e.g. purposefully having the girl with the morbid fear of heights jump from 14000 feet whilst being filmed. So if that kind of thing makes you angry, please take a moment to try and redirect that anger towards this revolting parade of discrimination and time-wasting.

 

“Gee, when was the last time I checked my enrolment?”

 

Oh, and make sure you remember that, once you vote YES, you remember to send that sucker back which sounds pretty simple but I barely have any clue about where my closest post box is.

 

“Am I even enrolled? Better check brb.”

 

Choose love y’all.

 

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The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

The Bachelor Season 5: A Matt(ch) made in heaven

28 Jul

I really do not know how I’m going to get through this season.

It dawned on me that the drive and burning passion I have had behind me in all previous seasons was largely due to the fact that I secretly/not-so-secretly hated the actual Bachelor. I certainly made an idiot of myself last year when I was all Go Richie! You and your ropes don’t need Sam Frost, you’re adorable I hope you find much love and bananas! But then was rudely made the fool of when it turned out Richie was the dude equivalent of a pack of Sun Rice Long Grain.

So obviously I am extremely nervous about this whole Matty J sitch. I really like him. And I’ve christened him Matchie already and I’m really proud of that. Plus I am highly vain and desperate to please everybody, so the fact that a handful of people asked if I would keep doing these recaps was enough to spur me into action because being accepted by every single person I ever meet is important to me. IT’S A NEVER-ENDING ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION!

Am I getting on your nerves yet? Buckle in, y’all.

On with the der-rama!

So of course the powers that be at Channel 10 HAD to show us that awful replay of Georgia ripping out Matchie’s heart and stomping a big, fat “LEE 4EVA” in the remains with her Love boots. Again. Honestly, I cannot bear to watch that another damn time.

But I guess that was an important reminder because, cut to the J Household (no srzly, what is his last name? Jones? J-Man? Johannesburg?) and Matchie’s entire family are basically running the We Hate Georgia Love Club. So I guess it was relevant.

Lots of shots of their white and blue-themed boat house mansion and Matty’s biceps playing in the pool with his definitely-not-for-sympathy-or-fertility-mongering nephew George.

Let’s go tingle some ovaries, Uncle Matt!

Blah blah, Matty is still super hot and super sweet and doesn’t wear shirts often which I am fine with and is looking for true love on a reality show but now I’ve lost trust in this program and am basically waiting for him to turn into a big fat dud.

I’ll show you my Cool Bananas? 

LET’S BEGIN!

Before we know it, Matchie is all dressed up in his suit and arrives at the Mansion That Spotlight Built, wondering if the “MJ luvs GL” he scratched into the walls is still there.

What is definitely still there, and as reliable as ever, is Osher. Obviously it’s premiere night and Osh can’t break out the organic hemp shirt just yet which is a shame, but he looks v v dapper in his black tie.

However, that doesn’t stop Matchie from telling Osher that he doesn’t actually believe in love at first sight, which is suuuuuper inconvenient for this show. Osher just nods and says, “interesting” or something and does a really good job of masking all the disappointed yelling coming through his earpiece.

Alix is the first one to step out of the limo of dreams. No, that’s not a typo; it is Alix, not Alex. Am I the only one bothered by dumb spelling of names? Probably. But it makes it sound like a cough syrup, yo.

Anyway, Alix explains she is a professional body painter, and yes she felt the need to say professional and yes, apparently that can be a real full time job. She even body painted her own wrist, so basically she is Peeta from The Hunger Games. I would ask if she bakes bread too, but she doesn’t look like she’s eaten a carb for a solid decade, so…

I really hope it comes to this 

Next up is Tara who they do a whole back story piece on so obviously she will be staying for at least a couple of weeks. Tara is a nanny and I’ve already decided she’ll be the Cool Girl of the season because she says “stoked” a lot and has the balls to call Matchie “mate”. Obviously she can’t win now, but I dig her enough.

Some chick called Laura shows up and talks about the rumors being true, but Matty doesn’t know what rumors she’s referring to so he just laughs. But she also mentioned bringing a Cobb loaf so I got distracted because aforementioned Cobb loaf does not appear.

Next is Cobie who we know will be super zany because she’s brought helium balloons with her to suck at. I would usually insert some sort of judgmental/suggestive joke here about sucking things, but sucking on helium balloons and singing war cries at the school swimming carnival was basically how I hooked my first boyfriend in 1996. I feel so connected to this woman.

Next is a short parade of white chicks in white dresses who all look the same.

But then to prove to us that they do cater to ethnic diversity, the producers throw us Laura Anne, who is, so far, the least white girl we’ve seen. Her ovaries are also tingling which suggests some sort of ethnic voodoo witchery, obviously.

Speaking of ovaries, there appears Natalie, who spends her days buried to the elbows in vaginas and placentas and who I’ve decided is this season’s Luna Lovegood. Obviously I am all about her immediately because she admits to being a crazy Instagram stalker and uses swear words – HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO CRAZY AMIRIGHT?! Well, it gets better because she ends up getting a terrible case of Moist Tourettes where she just keeps saying “moist” a lot and Matchie isn’t sure whether he is being Punk’d by one of the interns. I really hope she wins.

 

Love you, bae.

More women arrive in cut out dresses and boob tape and Matty continues to comment on how stunning they are.

Lisa is another tall blonde in red who will most likely win because her arrival music was The Bachelor equivalent of when Belle appears at the top of the staircase in Beauty and the Beast. 

Belinda is a professional “Love Coach” who has decided it wise to enter into a national husband competition to find true love, so I’m not 100% sold on her credentials at this point. She’s brought an egg timer with her that she switches on, demanding Matty stare into her eyes, while the timer literally counts down the seconds until her fertility runs out. It’s riveting.

An amazing woman called Akoulina “presents herself as a present” and asks if Matty accepts her because feminism has really come leaps and bounds in Russia. And continuing on with my Harry Potter comparisons, her arrival is basically on par with when Fleur Delacour fronted up at Hogwarts doing her ridiculous gymnastics routine. She also claims she is going to “wrap Matty up in my love and in my ribbons,” which means sex. Or STI’s. I’m not sure yet.

Finally, Leah is obviously the big, nasty villain this season, because as soon as her Lipstik heel hits the pavement, the sweet, whimsical music switches to the opening credits of The Walking Dead. She dares to mess Matchie’s hair up which does not impress him one iota so she is clearly evil. She tries to recover by throwing a heap of sexual innuendo at Matty, hoping to get innhisendo. Also she is dressed in black. Because villain.

Something something I’m talking about sex. 

That’s all I recall from the driveway round up. Maybe chuck in a couple more awkward white girls with little personality, plus a police officer, a foreigner and some girl who wears a terrible sash she got from Lombards that has been slightly blurred out and now all I can focus on is figuring out what terribly offensive text Channel 10 felt the need to shield us from.

COCKTAIL PARTY!

Straight away everyone hates Leah because she is the villain wearing a black “naked” dress which is actually the same dress that Jen is wearing in white, but no one says anything about that because villains wear black and we hate them.

Tara tries to say hello to Villain Leah but Villain Leah doesn’t see her because there are probably a hundred cameras in front of her and she is most likely drunk already. But that doesn’t stop the other bitches bitching about how awful Leah was to Tara and then someone makes a comment about how they’ve met nicer people at Aldi and HOW DARE YOU I SHOP AT ALDI AND I’M LOVELY!

WHAT DID ALDI EVER DO TO YOU?!

Once Matchie arrives though, everyone is suddenly less drunk and less bitchy until Osher reveals to them that there is a new twist to this season, and unfortunately it doesn’t involve the White Sex Rose. Sigh. Maybe I’ll start a Pozible campaign or something for that one.

Anyway, this year, some genius at Channel 10 has created The Secret Garden which SOUNDS like a sex den (squeeee!) but is actually just a cordoned off area in the regular garden with some extra fairy lights. But obviously this is all anyone can think about now.

DER-RAMA! The lights go off and everyone thinks Matchie is already pashing one of the bitches, but then, from the depths of the Secret Garden, a glowing figure emerges. Is it the entertainment? Is it Osher performing some sort of sacrifice ritual? Or has someone just straight up set themselves alight?

None of the above are correct. It’s *gasp* ANOTHER CONTESTANT!

Her name is Ellora and yeah…she twirls fire sticks and now Matty definitely wants to bone her.

Do they sell these sexy fire sticks at Bunnings?

But before the bitches can shove Ellora’s fire sticks somewhere I can’t mention on here, fresh drama develops when someone calls Jennifer’s dress “putrid”. Which is pretty funny considering Leah is wearing the same dress in black, but I guess she is the villain so we have more important things to hate her for.

Jennifer is, unsurprisingly, beyond devastated, even though one of the wardrobe assistants picked the bloody thing out for her and the comment was made by a drunk woman trying to compete for her potential boyfriend. Grain of salt, babe, grain of salt. This judge of dresses is apparently called Elizabeth or Liz and now Jennifer and her dress can think of nothing else but ejecting her from the room and from the competition.

All of the dresses on this show are terrible.

Oh yeah, and Natalie farts. Everyone is disgusted or extremely shocked which seems a little bizarre considering Natalie is a human with a functioning digestive system.

Is it just me, or does this seasons’ bevy of bitches seem SAVAGE?

ROSE CEREMONY

Literally nothing exciting happens except the girl with the weird sash doesn’t get a rose.

Obviously Joan Rivers aka Liz gets a rose because Jennifer hates her and Jennifer is super surprised that the super moral and empathetic producers would allow this to happen.

I’m really looking forward to her choices of outfits in the coming days.

Jennifer did not do her research on this show.

 

 

How I Feel About…Tim Gurner aka The Man Who Hates Smashed Avocado

17 May

To the guy who told me to stop eating smashed avocado so I could buy a house. I.e. Tim Gurner,

 

Man, I love being told how to run my life by rich, privileged white guys. There’s really nothing as life-affirming as being told that one simple change in my indulgent Gen Y lifestyle and attitude is the key to financial success and stability.

You, being the multi-million dollar (or was it billion? I can’t remember) property entrepreneur, went on national television and explained that young people like me can’t afford to buy houses because we are spending too much money on smashed avocado and coffee.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this poorly-drawn generalisation was more about the fact that us Generation Y kids spend too much money on things we don’t really need. Which I’ll concur can be more than true for some. But not the case for most. I for one, fall into the latter category.

You said we weren’t ever going to be able to afford deposits on homes unless we made some drastic changes. You accused us of… “wanting to eat out every day…wanting to travel to Europe every year. This generation is watching the Kardashians and thinking that’s normal. Thinking that owning a Bentley is normal, that owning a BMW is normal.”

Lolz. You’re a funny guy, Tim Gurner.

Saving enough money for a deposit in 2017 is about as easy as stapling a raw egg to the wall.

Before you go ahead and write me off as a spoilt whinger I thought I would just put it all out there for you; warts and all.

I am not ashamed to talk about the money that I make – in fact, there’s really nothing exceptional about the money I earn and that’s entirely the point – there are probably thousands of others in my age bracket making a similar wage. And none of us drive BMW’s or travel to Europe. Heck, forget Europe, I can barely get myself to Brisbane on the Jetstar red-eye.

 

Smashed avocado’s enemy #1.

 

So I’mma break it down for you, Mr Gurner. Just to be clear, I am a single woman with no children:

I earn about $850 per week. That is, after tax and HECS and Super are taken out. A figure that would make most rich white guys like you want to poke themselves in the pee hole, but nonetheless, it’s okay with me.

Straight up, $200 of that goes to rent. Cos even though rent money is dead money and I’m meant to be saving for some elusive apartment, I still gotta live somewhere, amiright? Moving back home with my parents is not an option as they live interstate where my job is not. Also I’m 32.

About $75 per week goes to my car loan. Relax man, it’s a Toyota Yaris. I’m not tooling around in some petrol-guzzling Bentley or spaceship.

Speaking of petrol; that’s $40 per week. Melbourne’s a big city. That means lots of driving fair distances. Also, that number goes up exponentially for anyone who doesn’t drive a battery-operated toaster like I do. Cars don’t run on positive energy, unfortunately.*

And neither does my internet and phone bill which levels out at about $30 per week. Believe me, I don’t even know what I’m paying for most of the time either, considering I’m calling the Optus complaints number more often than I am my own mother. But the bottom line is, having a mobile phone and a working internet connection is crucial to my work. Full stop.

Another $60 per week goes towards various memberships/scheduled payments – e.g. Medibank, car insurance, car registration, home insurance and so on. Things that you self-important businessmen and government officials say I must have.

At the moment, I’m spending $50 a week to see my physio as I have a hip injury. Not an ongoing thing, no, but is it uncommon? Also no.

I like to put $25 a week away for water, gas and electricity bills, cos, you just never know when you’re going to get hit with a $300 + bill for those freezing Melbourne nights when you dared to run the heater that’s older than you are for more than an hour.

I did have a gym membership that was costing me $45 a week (damn you, F45!) but I figure you’ll be super proud of me when I tell you I cancelled it because, believe it or not, it was too expensive for my budget. Instead I spend $20 a week on yoga classes.

Oh yeah, and because I’m a lady and society dictates that I must look sexually attractive at all times, that means I also gotta buy various make up and grooming products, pay for waxing, haircuts and whatever else you’d like to add to that list to make me visually acceptable. But I’m NOT adding it to this list, because these expenses are not incurred by EVERYONE so I’m leaving them out. Because I’m nice like that.  #equality

Food is the biggest shit of them all. Mr Gurner, I f*cking WISH I was eating out every night. Because I already feel like I spend a crap-tonne of money on food. And I’m not even talking about the stuff you get in a restaurant or even at the drive-thru. I’m just talking about schlepping to Woolies and getting my groceries.

Okay, I admit, I do order $70 worth of fresh meals per week from a home delivery service, simply because my job often leaves me working into the evening past dinner time, and I would rather spend $10 on a well-balanced meal as opposed to $20 on a shitty burrito. So yeah, I get some help in that department. Now combine that $70 with another $90 per week on regular groceries. (YES THAT’S FOR ONE PERSON BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CAPSICUMS ARE $7.99 A KILO!)

I don’t know if you noticed, but eating well is not cheap. I tried the Mee Goreng diet, and as much as I loved it, it left me as bloated as a dead lizard in a swimming pool.

A point to you there, Mr Gurner. But would you call that Kardashian-level indulgence?

Side note: I love avocados. Love them like a family member. But I buy them myself and spread them on toast myself like a big girl. Same with my coffee – I have a Nespresso machine (I know, so FANCY) and I just buy the pods which turn out to be about 50 cents per cup plus the 150ml of Aldi $2 milk I add to it. I’m not going to do the math because I don’t want to, but yeah, that’s not even close to $4 a coffee.

 

Devil food.

 

Call me selfish, but I would probably spend $30 a week on treating myself to either a movie ticket or a nice bottle of wine or ONE dinner out. I’m dating someone at the moment; it’s very hard to do things that don’t cost money. And I refuse to sit at home every weekend and watch re-runs of bad reality TV. People need to LIVE!

Then, finally, chuck on any miscellaneous amount you like that goes to the old credit card bill or other f*cking thing that inevitably comes up each month like flat tyres, doctors’ visits, medical prescriptions and the like and you’ve got yourself a weekly expense bill of around $700.

Leaving a grand total of $150 spare.

And this isn’t even scraping the surface of other random bills, incidentals and attempted savings for a wedding in QLD or a trip to the dentist. Plus I have no children to support; imagine if I did – as far as I know children are basically expensive poop machines. This is a generous estimate.

Now let’s say I don’t spend any of that on smashed avocado with seeded bread and put it straight in my piggy bank; I would be saving $7,800 a year. Which is a neat little amount but isn’t even a f*cking pin prick on a home deposit in 2017.

 

Tim is mad that we got mad at him for telling us not to eat smashed avocado.

 

Considering your wisdom about our demographic, I probably don’t need to tell you that the cost of living is far surpassing the rise in wages. Smart people like you already know that.

But what you may NOT know, is that lots of us weren’t gifted with $34,000 to start up our own business, nor are apartments in St Kilda still going for $180,000. Additionally, most of us didn’t have a boss who was willing to front up the money for aforementioned apartment so we could renovate it, nor did we study economics or property development or whatever else gets you the big bucks. We are teachers, nurses, artists, administrators, assistants, designers, managers, laborers and technicians. As in, regular people without a lucky window or leg-up into the property market.

I’m not saying that buying a house is impossible for us. Because it’s not. But it is bloody hard and as housing prices in Melbourne continue to inflate quicker than you can say “hipster café” us regular people are being forced out of the race.

So sue me if I choose to pursue a career that makes me happy but doesn’t pay me a fortune. I get that that’s my choice. (Actually, don’t sue me, because I don’t have any money for a lawyer).

I live a pretty modest life. And I’m not complaining about it. But, without the help and assistance of parents, bosses, grandparents and other third parties many people DON’T have the luxury of relying on, it can be frustrating to watch the window of opportunity close in front of you.

What makes it more frustrating, though, is being scolded by the likes of you for attitudes and expectations we don’t even have.

So maybe, rather than waxing lyrical about a lifestyle you know very little about, perhaps you could channel all your billions of dollars and property wisdom into something that might help us regular Joe’s get a toe in the door.

 

If you would like to discuss this further, I would be happy to do so over a plate of smashed avocado and a soy latte. You’ll be paying, of course.

 

I’ll have some poached eggs on the side, kthanx.

 

 

*Can someone research this? Maybe Bill Gates is still throwing money around for things?

Sophie Monk is going to kick some Bachelorette ass

26 Apr

Sophie Monk will soon be donning the sequinned gowns and going on a lot of boring picnics as Australia’s Bachelorette of 2017.

 

 

I am so very #Team Sophie now that the news is out. And not just because Popstars was pretty much my most favorite show of the early noughties.

For some reason though, it seems like I might be in the minority.

Honest to Osher, I actually did not see this coming at all. Granted, I haven’t spent too much time on my couch pondering the identity of this year’s Lady Bach – I save that blessed time for eating mee goreng and streaming Real Housewives of Auckland.

Of course I did still harbor some suspicions about Nikki Gogan and her many fascinators taking over the rose-shaped mantle from Bachie Love.

And there’s certainly a little part of me that’s disappointed  Nicky won’t be getting her opportunity to find some lovely fireman/IT consultant/man-with-real-job (i.e. NOT a “ropes technician”) to flaunt in Richie’s boring face.

But I digress.

This decision by Channel 10 is, in my humble opinion, a total winner. I think Soph is going to make a queen of a Bachelorette (and if she doesn’t I will go back to TAFE and study “Rope Technology”). And to all them haters out there, here’s why:

To begin with, she’s 37.

Do you know how many outraged Facebook comments I saw that labelled her “too old”? MORE THAN I CARED FOR, I’LL GIVE YOU THE TIP!

And I call bullshit. (Also how very dare you.)

 

I hope I look like this at 37.

 

The fact is, she’s not some 20-something ingénue or upstart, claiming to own her own fitness company or fashion line, when really we all know she’s just very good at taking photos of herself not looking at the camera and putting them on Instagram. Sophie has had a solid and visible career in the music and media industries and, even more impressively, has managed to make it past 30 and remain culturally relevant – no easy feat for a woman.

And for once a television show is sending the message that women over 30 are actually desirable, loveable and interesting human beings! WHO WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT?!

Her age also means she’s had more time to dabble in the dating pool and experience the dizzying highs of love and the subsequently crushing lows of losing it; some of which she has done in full view of the public. (I’m still mad at you, Benji Madden!)

Before all you whipper snappers put on your outrage pants, I’m not saying that 20-somethings don’t know anything about love or relationships; I’m just saying that, mathematically, a woman in her mid-30’s has had a head start.

And yeah, maybe there is an argument to say that her appointment is somewhat unfair to all the everyday, non-famous applicants out there. But when you think about it, wouldn’t her experience in the spotlight mean she’s actually much better equipped to deal with the perverse invasion of her personal life (and the potential for it to go very badly)? And really, don’t Matty J, Sam Frost and Bachie Bananas all technically fall into that “celeb” category as well after each trying (and failing) to win their respective wife/husband competitions the first time around?

Sophie has a clear idea of what she wants and does not want; what she will and will not put up with. Combine this with an understanding of what people find entertaining and a habit of speaking before she thinks and, frankly, you’ve got some bloody good television, y’all. And isn’t that what we all came for?

And, side note, she’s funny AF.

 

 

People who’ve been throwing around accusations of “tacky” or “unclassy” her way clearly have not followed much of her time in the media. She’s a bona fide piss-taker and can deliver a one-liner like no one’s business.

She once said in an interview what basically erry lady has thought to herself at some point in her adult life; that she’s “…probably bad in bed actually. I think I’m dud.” (And if you haven’t ever thought this about yourself at least once, then can you please write to me and give me the name of your sexy confidence medicine, kthanx.)

She’s been accused of being stupid (just watch the Hard Chat video with Tom Gleeson for a start), but instead of getting upset about it, Sophie regularly comes out with some absolute bangers, like this one about her bike-riding nephew:

“He’s like Lance Armstrong … minus the drugs … plus the balls.”

In fact, I actually believe the woman is some kind of low-key genius after she explained she, “…got suspended for writing ‘I love Sophie’ on the desks to make the other boys think I was popular.”

I mean, why didn’t they put THAT advice in the Little Golden Books?!

And finally, not only did she dress up like a giant bird and sing in a giant cage, she has regularly made a right tit of herself on radio and television for viewer amusement. She even managed to make Kyle Sandilands look good during their stint together as co-hosts. Not. Easy. To. Do.

 

#birdchic

 

Look, maybe I’m biased because I have Poison on regular rotation on my Spotify playlist, but I honestly think this is a win for The Bachelorette series. It’s a win for glorious idiots like Sophie. A win for women over 30. And a win for us viewers.

So can we all just get on board and focus on what really matters – that she begins the first rose ceremony like this:

Don’t you treat me bad,

Don’t you make me sad.

Our love could be deep as the ocean.

 

Can we petition for group-Bachelorettes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelorette Season 2: Get your puppies out

7 Oct

No but seriously, guys. I feel like all you really need to know about this episode is this:

 

cam-puppies

PUPPIES!

There were funking puppies. Fifteen of them. F*ck the helicopters and champagne… all you need for romance is puppies.

And Cam.

But mainly puppies.

(For realz, is there some place you can actually go to just chill with fifteen puppies?)

i-want-to-go-to-there

But then these things also happened, but they weren’t as good as the puppies:

Cam got a single date and his tongue dug itself out of the Friendzone…

georgia-cam-kiss

No, really; it was hot AF.

can-i-get-pregnant

We were all thinking it.

Matty J (who I am slowly starting to fall in love with) also got a single date, a chance to play croquet and a kiss.

Not as hot as Cam’s, but still. Pretty good.

georgia-matty-kiss

Horizontal croquet anyone?

And then this…

shirtless-bachies

I have no idea what is happening but I like it.

Apparently they played some sort of sport. Meanwhile, the olive oil business just boomed again.

Rhys “hurt his shoulder” trying to be manly, then wrote Georgia ANOTHER funking poem.

please-stop-gif

Mate.

But then Cam whipped out his fireman’s pole  guitar and they all SANG HER A FUNKING SONG!

georgias-song

no-pants

True story.

With all the singing and the puppies, everyone (i.e. me) forgot that there was still a Rose Ceremony.

Some poor guy named Ryan was denied a rose. Seemed for the best because no one knew who he was.

ryan

New phone. Who dis?

That’s all I remember.

Someone get me a puppy.

more-shirtless-bachies

Never forget…

The Bachelorette Season 2: Notes on Court-ing

29 Sep

Normally when I watch an episode, I take down one-sentence notes or thoughts that I later turn into (hopefully) witty/bitchy narrative/complex sentences. BUT I thought for a change this week, I would just post the one-sentence notes/thoughts I had throughout the episode instead of trying too hard to, like, write stuff….

I promise this has nothing to do with me just being straight up lazy.

Here we go..

 

Remember Courtney? He’s the one who gave her a pasta bracelet. It’s still Golden Date Week for Court.

Courtney has the Golden Date Card which sounds nice in theory, but is really just a lot of pressure to not be shit. In other words, Courtney, don’t f*ck it up, kay?

The boys go outside to check Court’s ride. Because they are boys of course they make “If the Combi’s a-rockin, don’t comma knockin” jokes.

Courtney wants to tailor a date that really shows Lady Bach who he is. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

I do not like camping. Court and I would never work. But I do like pasta bracelets. Actually, I just like pasta full stop.

Georgia keeps saying how relieved she is that Courtney, “finally wants to take her on a date.” It’s been two weeks babe and you’re dating 15 other men. Calm down.

They are going to go skurfing which sounds like some sort of hybrid sexual/bodily function thing. Like queefing. Too far? Whatever, I’m not sold.

Courtney tells the rest of the dudes he has expertly hidden his Group Date card somewhere in the house but really it’s just in the cushions of the couch. This is basically How Not to Win Hide and Seek 101. This place is funking huge and you stick it in the couch?!

Two guys called Tommy and Ryan are put on the group date and everyone seems confused as to how they got there.

 

SINGLE DATE

Courtney is obviously good at skurfing and Lady Bach is not. (Side note – skurfing is a mix of surfing and…skating?)

I mean, call me old-fashioned, but isn’t this just water skiing?

 

skurfing

No. Apparently this is skurfing.

After skurfing, they go to a cafe but the catch is they have to dress up as pirates and try and talk about their real feelings without pissing themselves.

Courtney will from now on be known as Pasta Pirate.

Lady Bach reminds Pasta Pirate and the rest of Australia that she is a failure as a woman because she has had the audacity to prioritize her career over her love life.

After she gives him a rose Lady Bach leans right in, ready for the post-rose pash. He gives her funking hug instead. The worst.

Lady Bach is super disappointed they didn’t pash. She despo wants to pash him.

JUST PASH HIM GEORGIA! YOU’RE THE BACHELORETTE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT!

I’m sorry, but feminism.

 

GROUP DATE

Pasta Pirate has decided to challenge the lads to what he deems Crappy Car Racing. Which is basically exactly what it sounds like.

Of course he has put himself with Lady Bach whose job it is to tighten up the nuts, ifyouknowhaddamean.

Cameron, a.k.a Captain Sunshine, is super into his yellow cart and the whole shebang really. He be like, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! OUR TEAM IS AWESOME!”

Usually this kind of behaviour gets on my nerves but it doesn’t bother me at all because I love him.

 

captain-sunshine-2

Guys, Captain Sunshine is a REAL THING!

Jake and Clancy’s car is Super Crappy.

Obviously Pasta Pirate and Lady Bach win the race. Obviously Jake and Clancy lose big time. Their car is Super Crappy.

Courtney gets to decide who has private time with Bachie Love. Doesn’t take the opportunity to make up for the non-pash disaster and instead goes the Mercy Vote and gives it to Tommy. Lady Bach has no idea who he is.

You’re an idiot, Pasta Pirate. Arrrrrgggh! (That’s a pirate joke.)

 

idiot-pirate

Make better choices, Courtney.

Tommy tells Lady Bach he doesn’t have a personality. I mean, a BIG personality. She pretty much agrees with him. You can tell she’s still thinking about Pasta Pirate not pashing her.

This encounter has about as much romantic depth as an oven mitt.

At least he gets a hug too. But this time Lady Bach actually means it, yo.

 

georgia-unsure

Are you with catering?

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Captain Sunshine strangely enough seems a little apprehensive about the whole sharing-a-girlfriend thing. Talks himself out of it with a positive attitude and a high five.

Matty gets Lady Bach alone and decides to spend it playing charades. Are charades back or something?

Jake and Sam seem really nervous about some “big show” they’ve got planned for Lady Bach. I really hope it’s a strip duet – you definitely don’t see enough of that on a 7.30pm time slot.

Meanwhile, Lady Bach gets mad at Pasta Pirate for giving her alone time with Tommy, how very dare he.

Pasta Pirate just wants to play fair. Snore……

Sadly, no double striptease. Unless there’s a penis under that silver platter. Oh wait…

In actuality, the two lads have made their communal girlfriend a fancy, ball-shaped dessert. (Lol, ball.)

But srzly, it’s like an Adriano Zumbo creation. I think this might be a subliminal Masterchef promotion. Like, when has ANYONE EVER seen Sam or Jake bake or roast anything, aside from the other guys in the house? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!

 

sam-jake-high-five

High five for random cross-promotion!

Jake never really had anything to worry about tbh because Lady Bach still gets a minge twinge whenever he’s around. (I stole that from Gogglebox. It’s my new favourite thing to say.)

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE CAPTAIN SUNSHINE IN THE BOTTOM TWO, GEORGIA?! HOW COULD YOU!!

Obviously he doesn’t go home, but still. I did not appreciate that at all.

 

how-dare-you-gif

To give Lady Bach props, she knows she don’t got no chemistry with Tommy and takes him outside to say it to his face. (Side note – outside chats are already happening?)

Despite his lack of sparkles with Lady Bach, Tommy seems like good people.

Sorry I was so mean to you, Tommy.

OMG I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK! INTRUDER DUDES!

Man, this shit is going forward at break neck speed.