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Bachelor In Paradise Ep ??: Everything Is Merging Into One And I Don’t Know What’s Happening

23 Apr

Sorry for going MIA last week, y’all. I tumbled into a never-ending pit of rehearsals, Codral and despair that not even my rage over straight-up queer baiting could pull me out of.

At first I thought I’d maybe missed a heap of der-rama and stuff, but, turns out I kind of…didn’t? Well, unless you count Simone quickly losing all senses of logic and yelling a lot… Oh, and Megan just kissing a long-haired Canadian dude and not Elora how dare you Channel 10 I am very mad about this.

It seems as though the shenanigans on Sex Island are becoming as monotonous as the 400 skinny, blonde women who live there. (Honestly, when they all stand next to each other, I couldn’t pick them from a line-up!)

 

#diversity.

 

The big news tonight is that Flo is coming back in, or, Cyclone Florence as they’ve tried to nickname her which doesn’t really work anymore because, based on the incredibly shit weather they seem to be getting, the cyclone has already made it’s way to the Fijian shore and the only person getting any sort of colour is still Jarrod.

Was there a little part of me that enjoyed watching Jake sweat through his flamingo tennis shorts about Flo coming back and calling out his f*** boi ways? Obviously. Was it as satisfying as I was hoping? Obviously not. (Also what I imagine having sex with Jake might be like, I mean…what?)

So Keira and Jarrod are now offish a couple because Keira forced Jarrod to say she was his girlfriend and part of me hates but also loves this couple because I honestly think they’ve been the biggest players on this whole season if the rumours about them already being a couple are true. Well played you two. Although, side note, I still believe the true love story on this show is that between Keira and her mango daiquiri but don’t tell Jarrod cos he’ll probably get heaps angry and I fear for his blood vessels.

 

A match made in television heaven.

 

Leah talks to American Jared about how him giving her his rose really meant something and that maybe they should become allies again so she doesn’t have to threaten to leave all the time, but AJ is just like, “Naaaaahhh…that was a pity rose because stupid Thomas got to Rachael first. Soz mate.”

Leah is very upset at this because how dare her back-up option give her a pity rose. Life is so unfair on Sex Island.

Flo has arrived by now and has said Jake’s name more times than Leah has said she’s going to leave and honestly I’m so glad I pre-chilled an entire bottle of rose.

Osher drops in looking far too smug for what he’s about to say, and delivers the news that Flo is the last person to come into Paradise, so, if they haven’t gotten themselves a bae yet, the odds are looking pretty damn slim. (Meanwhile Wais is still available and still the real MVP here so…jussayin).

This is all the motivation Leah needs to announce she’s DEFINITELY LEAVING this time and goes and packs her shoes in a plastic shopping bag like any regular 25-year old.

 

Everyone to Leah.

 

Poor American Jared barely sees her leave as he’s too busy walking forlornly down the beach in sandals, thinking about what happened at the Rose Ceremony with Thomas and Rachael. Tbh, as my housemate so deftly pointed out – the real problem here is that AJ wears sandals on the beach can someone do something about this?

The producers are still trying to f*** shit up, so they give ANOTHER date card to Thomas (I guess he did cry on a park bench last week) and my cold heart broke a little bit for American Jared. Honestly, FINALLY a woman shows genuine interest in him, and then the producers sweep in with a master plan to have her distracted by someone else. What is this vendetta against American Jared??! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

 

Australia suuuuuux.

Lucky for Thomas though I guess, who has now had more date cards in a week than Simone ever got in an entire show season lol.

Obviously Thomas picks Rachael who goes on a date with him to a putt-putt range in her bike shorts. Thomas calls them “yoga wear” but okay. They were definitely bike shorts, trust me.

Ummm…yeah they go on a date and Thomas is happy that there are cheese and crackers. He obviously doesn’t have too many troubles with dairy farts so good for him.

Rachael does say something mildly alarming about herself always wanting more in third person but Thomas isn’t too phased so good for him?

They pash. You can practically hear American Jared start crying into his Malibu pineapple.

NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE FORM OF TARA AND SAM!

Tara has finally received her own date card and immediately takes Sam because they are hopelessly in love and it’s the only reason anyone is still watching this show.

They dance for a bit and gush over each other and it’s beyond adorable and I am totally here for it. Even better, once they get to their random sex couch, Sam tells Tara he loves her and she says she loves him back and I think my cold, dead heart just skipped a beat!

 

True couple goals.

 

Honestly, I don’t even notice Sam’s hair anymore because I AM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH TARA. Everyone can just go home now because these two win everything.

Speaking of going home, Eden does just that. Basically it’s because he still thinks there’s a chance for him and Elora even though he pranked her with a fake letter and smooshed food into her face and she is just like, no, we are good friends, I am Apollo’s soulmate, didn’t you get the memo?

Eden looks disappointed at this news and then kinda just gets up and strolls on out with no goodbyes. Elora goes back and tells the group that he left because he wanted her to have a good time in Paradise and not hold her back and he was worried about her or something? Anyway, it’s all basically about Elora and not the true fact that the man wasn’t getting any puss so he’s out.

Side note: Keira calling out Elora for being supremely self-centred was the second best thing to happen all night she is a national treasure I swear to God.

See ya Eden. I don’t know how I feel about you anymore but maybe if I keep following you on Instagram I might make a decision.

 

Make good choices, bebe!

 

Ummm…I think that’s it.

No wait…Jake and Flo talk things out and in a weird way they bloody deserve each other I’m so bored of all of them.

Except Apollo – where was he tonight?

 

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 10: Bad Things Are Happening & Everyone is Over It (including me)

17 Apr

Sweet Jesus, will we ever get some respite from this punishing 4-nights-a-week schedule? Honestly I think this is a purposeful hate crime on behalf of Channel 10 who have gotten wise on us mean, self-indulgent bloggers and decided to make our lives a living hell.

 

 

Does that sound real or am I just being too self-obsessed now?

Once again, I’ll come clean and admit that I am still trying to have a life and rehearse for a show which means I have not watched the entire episode, but I don’t think that’s ever mattered to you guys. Which is exactly why I like you so much. #journalism.

So today I am mad.

Mad at Luke, mad at Eden, mad at Channel 10. Everyone has gone fkd up this week and it’s very upsetting.

First of all, Channel 10, queer baiting us with the promo for potential Megan/Elora hook ups, only to realise the closest they’re going to get to this is sitting on a sun lounge together talking about Apollo is so unfair. Not that I expected you to be at the forefront of celebrating bisexual relationships on television but still. Shame on you.

Second of all, Luke, I just think I expected better. I know Sex Island is pretty much a wannabe Instagram celebrity’s heaven on earth, and I get the decision between true love and free wine is a tough one, but come on mate. Eventually your brain has GOT to take over from your penis or you’ll end up dead from electrocution after trying to stick it in a vacuum cleaner.

And lastly…Eden. Babe. I was your number one fan and cheerleader. Heck, I even contemplated straight up adding you on Facebook like one of those strange, overly familiar fan girls (I didn’t in the end in case you were wondering). But you let me down, bro.

Anyway.

Tensions are pretty damn high on Sex Island considering everyone is just on a glorified Contiki tour. Michael’s balls are bluer than the Fijian ocean, Elora and Simone are still making pissy faces at each other and everyone else is just emotionally (and literally) drunk. Megan and Jake are discussing how rock solid they are and that it would really take someone super special to come between them…

WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! ANOTHER CANADIAN MAN WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE HAS ARRIVED TO MAYBE COME BETWEEN THEM!?

Thomas, looking every inch the internationally acclaimed model no one knows, strolls into Sex Island with the confidence of Warwick Capper walking down Cavill Ave. He manages to catch Megan’s eye and for a minute everyone’s thinking he might just have the man bun power to pull her away from Jake. Tbh, I don’t think she’s actually going to leave Jake but it was worth it just to see Jake’s arse cheeks sweat a little. (I mean, you don’t actually SEE the cheeks, but you know it’s happening).

 

At least I don’t talk through a straw.

 

Thomas asks everyone out on a date but literally no one wants to go with him. Like at all. This is worse than that time Megan went on a pity date with American Jared and now Thomas is crying and I don’t know what to do.

Michael is also very upset because he is getting no joy in to the sexy department and still feels super bad for giving Lisa his rose but also hopes that maybe Lisa secretly likes him back which is unlikely considering Lisa JUST told Luke that nothing can come between their love. Not even a pretend Socceroo. You also know she’s not interested in Michael because when he finds her to chat about his feelings, she sits the furtherest away from someone you physically can whilst still being able to hear them. But don’t worry guys, this is Logical Lisa. She lets him down gently and logically but it’s not enough for Michael who has decided to throw in the towel.

Yep, Michael has run out of ripped singlets and women and wants to go home. And then…he’s gone. No fanfare, no teary goodbyes, just…nothing. Look, I may not have flown the Michael flag or anything but even I think he deserved better.

BUT WAIT! Now Lisa wants to go and I can’t be sure whether she truly just wants to GTFO or whether the producers no longer see any worth in her and Luke now that the Michael-Lisa-Luke triangle is kaput. She casually asks Luke if he’s ready to leave and I’m not sure if she means the show or the padded beach bed they’re lying on, she’s so casual. But all of a sudden Luke is unsure of how much he’s willing to say goodbye to bottomless mimosas and just loses his shit really.

 

How will I live without my 10am daiquiri?!

 

He’s unsure if he can commit to this woman he’s spent the last three weeks falling in love with because what if he leaves paradise and some Amazonian goddess comes in and he misses his chance?! Luke isn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, but he does try to explain that he is more of a “slow burner” and things are moving so fast on this dating show he came into to find love and my eyes rolled so far back into my head I practically swallowed them. This is why over half the population is single and barren.

Lisa is all, “You don’t have to, no pressure,” but even I know this is exactly the opposite of what she means and he’d better bloody go with her.

 

Above: Lisa.

 

Okay they’re gone too now and no one really seems that upset or surprised. Fare thee well Lisa; you were too normal for this world.

(*UPDATE: Obviously, y’all know that there are now cheating rumours surrounding Luke on the outside and is anyone surprised, really?)

No time to waste because OBVIOUSLY Elora gets the next date card because we’re all here to just f*** shit up. OBVIOUSLY she takes Apollo because she has meditated and twirled her fire on it and the fire told her that she and Apollo were soul mates. Apollo doesn’t seem too convinced but that’s really none of his business if you ask Elora.

Monsoon season in Fiji is really becoming a problem because they are basically just sent to an undercover BBQ area at the back of the resort while it pisses down rain around them.

Elora presents her Apollo 4 Elora 4Eva slideshow and poor Apollo says he just wants to find someone to travel with which is literally every damn man on Tinder’s bio (srzly, if you have this on your profile delete it immediately because every funking person in Australia wants to travel and it does not make you interesting.) But I’ll forgive it of Apollo because abs. And magic tricks.

Nothing else really happens on their date apart from when they come back and everyone greets them like they’ve just returned from an epic journey around the world in a tiny sailboat.

Apollo goes straight to Simone who is at the bar like a regular person, talking about her many feelings to anyone who’ll listen. He actually tells her he missed her and f*** me how does she not just fall off her stool naked at that? Elora is verrrrrryyyy unhappy about this and goes to talk to some fire sticks about it.

It seems the Elora-Apollo romance is dead quicker than you can say, “you banged him on my couch!”

Meanwhile, Thomas is still the Ralph Wiggum of the island feeling super rejected and unsure of what he’s even doing here. As are we Thomas, as are we.

Jarrod, now a shade of red the colour spectrum has yet to incorporate, feels for the poor Canadian and organises a man date. Jarrod, Thomas, Sam and Apollo stroll along the beach by twilight, end up in a cramped milk bath in their undies and Sam puts on a Swedish accent and honestly how has Sam become the best person on television?! The bro date is most likely a ploy for producers to have Apollo shirtless again and I’m not mad about it.

 

Sorry, I’m lactose intolerant. 

 

In a final twist of der-rama, Elora discovers a letter on her pillow that is allegedly from American Jared. It’s all very SVU: Special Victims Unit with close-ups of the letter being unfolded and the unmistakable red flag of it being signed off as “American Jared.” So many twists and turns in this show, amiright?!

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Elora is quite taken with the gesture and decides that maybe she has real feelings for American Jared, a man she has barely spoken two words to, but we all know that, as Kesha once sang, “It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!”

Ali being Ali praises American Jared for being so sweet with his letter writing business and he is as suitably confused as a drunk foreigner on a dating show can be.

Now erryone is confused AF because it wasn’t American Jared and apparently we have found the key to a time machine and gone back to 1998 when prank letters were a thing in Science class.

Obviously the next logical culprit is Simone because, let’s face it, she’s been extremely sweaty and angry these past few days so that makes sense.

No wait, it’s not Simone either.

It was Eden and now I am so mad and disappointed I can’t feel my face anymore.

It appears that Eden is blue-balling so hard, his excess testosterone has bubbled up and into his brain and he’s lost his damn mind. That, or he just wanted to f*** shit up before his inevitable exit tonight. Whichever mate, but not cool.

YOU’VE MADE ME LOOK THE FOOL, YO! HOW COULD YOU?! I’m going to have to go speak to a box of Shapes about this.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

I’ve fallen into a pit of despair at my apparently terrible judgement of men and kinda miss the whole thing.

Oh, except for the part where Elora gives her funking rose to Eden because she still thinks he deserves to find love gurl what you planning either you’re the most forgiving person in the damn South Pacific, or you got some revenge idea so bad and I’m almost hoping it’s the second one.

Everyone is f***ing shook, including Eden, who looks pretty damn afraid as he should.

 

Eden, you in danger, boi.

 

Poor Canadian Thomas is off the island before he even had a chance to break out the Banana Boat 30+.

 

My nose is dripping like a tap and I need to take a nap. That’s a wrap.

(That was also a rap.)

(Sorry I’m delirious.)

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 9: Enter The Apollocalypse

16 Apr

Honestly, what is the point of dilly dallying about and introducing this post in some sort of sarcastic way when Apollo is arriving and everyone is frothy AF. Me included.

Obviously, everyone is losing their goddamn minds about it, including Osher, who is trying really hard to pretend that the recent drama wasn’t completely set up by the producers of the show. Everyone is also sitting around talking about how unexpected and shocking last week’s episode was and they definitely had no idea what was going to happen and absolutely no one told them what to do definitely not it was a total surprise.

 

I am definitely crying real tears, kay?

 

Not ones to bow to peer pressure to make juicy television, Logical Luke and Lisa work out their pretend couple drama like regular people and that’s pretty much all the air time they’re going to get today.

My boyfriend Eden gets the single date card and straight up invites Elora who accepted his rose last week, but Elora is not so keen on going out with our boy Eden for an hour or two in case Apollo magically shows up lol as if that’s really going to happen what are the odds…oh wait. HERE HE FUNKING IS ELORA IS GOING TO BE SOOOO MAD.

Apollo is here guys and he’s wearing a delightful lobster shirt and honestly he is too pure for this world. His adorable hug with Luke nearly made me feel things I didn’t think I was still capable of.

Poor Apollo is worried that he’s come in quite late and that everyone will already be coupled up, which is super sweet, but what he doesn’t know is that every damn woman on this island would crawl over her current man’s rat-infested dead body just to get within a 3 inch radius of him. But bless him for being so modest.

Meanwhile, over on television’s most awkward date, Eden and Elora have just been given boogie boards, a sand dune and no supervision and are trying to figure out how to board down without a) killing themselves or b) getting a whole tonne of sand up in their bits.

Elora has come in her active wear because she wants to make a statement that she’s not really into Eden at all even though she accepted his rose and accepted the fact that he wanted to get to know her better and now that’s what he’s trying to do but how dare he try that on and even more how dare he take her away from a potential Apollo landing?!

Look, it is super awkward to watch and I hate myself a little bit for sticking up for a dude that I don’t even know, but honestly, the man is so desperate for a pash with someone you can see it written all over his poor little face.

He still wants to make the date super memorable, so if there’s not going to be a kiss, he decides to start a food fight with a woman who is already pretty keen to just go the f*** home.

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo!

 

You know what else would make a date with a woman super memorable guys? JUST RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES WHEN SHE TELLS YOU THEM WITH A SIMPLE THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT AND THEN GOING HOME LIKE A REGULAR PERSON.

Sigh. Eden, babe, you’ve hit real a low point here and I’m really gonna need to you to reign it in and go back to being the rad, respectful puppy dog we all know and love.

Let’s pretend that date didn’t happen.

Back on Sex Island, Keira and her mango daiquiri have taken the first opportunity to chat/flirt with Apollo and it’s not going well. I think perhaps Jarrod has had permanent effect on Keira’s interpersonal skills or maybe she’s just shit faced, I can’t be sure. Regardless, she’s willing to kiss him for Australia even though he’s too young for her (i.e. not interested in her) and it’s times like these I remember why we need her.

 

Not all heroes wear capes.

 

On the other hand, he does hit it off with Simone which signals the beginning of  a v complicated and messy love triangle/situation that probably isn’t really that messy at all but this is how I THINK it all goes down:

Simone and Elora are friends in the real world.

Elora told Simone she was literally going on BIP for the sole purpose of meeting Apollo which goes for basically everyone, but okay.

Apparently some other Bachie dude met the two of them at a club  a while back and flirted with Simone even though Elora liked him and now there is some weird man-tension between them? Are you bored of this already?

Now Apollo has met Simone while Elora was off trying to get sand out of her undies with Eden, and Apollo has asked Simone on a single date and she is going to go because she’s not a funking idiot.

(Also Simone spent an entire season without any dates, now she’s been asked on two dates in three days and I think this is what they call just desserts.)

Elora returns from her date with Eden and literally cries, “Oh my God, it’s Apollo!” while still walking next to the man who JUST took her on a date.

She also complains to everyone that Eden is too much but then gives an impromptu TedX talk about Apollo and why he is so great and she’s never actually met him properly. I mean, okay.

She goes and speaks to Simone to forgive her for talking to Apollo while she was not there, but then Simone tells her he actually asked her out on a date and honest to God I think I just saw a capillary pop in Elora’s eyeball.

Simone reassures Elora it’s okay because she kinda told Apollo that Elora likes him and Elora is her friend so she feels bad, but Elora does not like this news and shit is going to go DOWN.

Apollo takes Simone on their date and they go kayaking and fall into the water a lot which I would definitely not be mad about if it meant Apollo had to haul my half-naked ass back on to the kayak with his beautiful bare hands.

 

Hahaha your abs are hilarious!

 

Simone laughs at literally everything Apollo says and I guess that’s fine but then he goes and tells her he is ready to settle down and find someone he can create a story with and he really needs to be careful about using phrases like that because I’m pretty sure half of Australia is pregnant with his babies now.

They get back from their date and Elora wastes no time in asking if they talked about her. You did not read that wrong. This is where we are now.

 

 

Simone is also mad and shitty now and they just kind of talk over each other for a bit and look really pissy about it.

Simone talks to Ali and Michael about the whole situation because now she is mad that Elora is mad and how dare Elora still want to pursue Apollo now that SHE has gone on a date with him some friend she was. Grant is also there but he is napping and I am jealous.

Michael calls Simone all levels of crazy and now he and I are fighting. (Srzly, don’t do that man.)

Simone and Elora fight again over those rumors about the other Bachie dude they went drinking with (I would bet as to who it was but I’ve forgotten all of their names now). Elora wants to talk about this problem with Apollo and how they’re going to share him, but Simone is too sunburnt and high from being close to Apollo all day that she can’t talk.

Meanwhile, I’d like to know what Wais has got to say about all this!

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo.

 

Thus concludes the Elora-Apollo-Simone love triangle for tonight and guys, remember when Jarrod thought he was in a love triangle? Lol.

 

Speaking of Jarrod – guess what? He’s decided that now that Simone has gone on a date with Apollo, he is definitely not interested in her anymore and is definitely in love with Keira again and this has nothing to do with getting a rose.

Sweet Jesus, will it ever end?

I guess because they don’t want to miss out on air time and being included in some of the der-rama, Keira goes along with it and Jarrod takes her to some rock on the beach where he has set up a picnic for them and SRZLY WHAT IS THE FUNKING POINT OF THE SINGLE DATE CARDS WHEN THE CONTESTANTS CAN ACTUALLY JUST DO THIS THEMSELVES?!

Jarrod says something about deciding to dedicate his life to Keira now? I’m not 100% sure if I heard correctly over the Grain Waves I was eating. And also I don’t care anymore.

They kiss and it looks like this train wreck is back on track.

 

Is that sunscreen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

 

 

Oh… Sam built Tara a bamboo hut and told her she makes him pee. And they say romance is ded.

 

Just a gif I stole from Punkee of Apollo’s abs because…

 

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 3: The Stage 5 Clingers Have Landed

3 Apr

Far out, guys; this is becoming more and more like the Sex Hunger Games every day, because they are just throwing new people in left, right and centre!

But despite this, I’m starting to get a sinking feeling that every single episode is going to be virtually the same and, let me tell you, that shit is going to get old faster than you can say Malibu & pineapple.

So it’s the day after the Rose Ceremony and everyone is doing what they do best and chilling by the pool with a bevvy, talking about the Rose Ceremony.

Normal Lisa makes an eagle-eyed observation that it’s barely 10 in the morning and already the dudes have backed riiiiight off, which is probably just due to stress relief and definitely not to do with the fact that they are playing a game with each other’s feelings.

I forget how, but somehow Keira ends up talking to Michael and he explains she’s going to give him a “tar-ott” reading with her angel cards. I love me some wu-wu shit and was looking forward to witnessing an in-depth look into Michael’s abs aura. Unfortunately, they’re somewhat interrupted by the fact that Keira has just scored herself a date card and, considering her now deep spiritual connection with the man who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team, she decides to take Michael to get to know him better.

And also because the poor girl can’t be stuck with Uncle Sam all the time, no judgement babe.

Their date is kind of like the time in primary school when I told a boy in my class that I liked him and then he told me he really liked my friend and so I went home and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

 

HAHA nah it’s cool if you wanna talk about Tara this whole time HAHAHAHAHA

 

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen for Michael and Keira.

But no matter, because Jarrod’s here and he is READY FOR THE WOMEN HE EVEN GREW STUBBLE.

I mean, bless him, he tries so hard to be super smooth and make an impression straight away, asking Lisa to show him around and then Laurina if she’d like to chat, but these women are waaaaayyy too wise on his past behaviour and not-so-subtly keep a safe distance.

Meanwhile, Tara is doing a bang-up job of pretending that she doesn’t care that Michael went on a date with Keira without asking her and honestly it’s no big deal just would have been nice to check and seriously I’m not mad about it I wonder if they’re having a terrible time because that would be kind of funny not to be mean but honestly like I said we haven’t kissed or anything so I don’t mind does anyone know the combination to Keira’s tiki hut?

This is kind of like the time in primary school when the boy I liked took my friend to the movies instead of me and I told everyone it was totally fine but then I didn’t speak to her for a week and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

Except the difference here is that Michael actually does spend the entire date saying super romantic things to Keira…about Tara. He even brings back his grass helmet for her as a memento of his date with another woman. Cuuuuuuute.

But by this time, Tara has already commiserated with Uncle Sam and it turns out they might have chemistry and guys I’m super worried because Tara is way too good for Sam and his follicle ecosystem, not that Michael is that much better, but I guess at least he’s seen his hairdresser in the last 12 months and doesn’t stare at women’s boobs all the time.

Honestly, we need to do something about this.

 

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

 

Tara is cold as ice on Michael’s return and for a minute there I genuinely felt quite sorry for him but then I remembered who the f*** I was and what the f*** I was watching and my feelings went away.

Anyway.

Enter Ali.

You may remember Ali as the Stage 5 Clinger from the very first season of Bachie where she spent a lot of time being wide-eyed and slack-jawed over Bachie Hair Gel, Tim Robards. Well, in the 5 years since then, she’s met another guy, gotten engaged and then ended the engagement and now she’s entered the Sex Hunger Games in the hope of finding a genuine man to marry. Good to see her expectations are more realistic these days.

Look, the thing is she IS very good looking and I kind of couldn’t blame the guys for straight up just staring at her like when Scooby-Doo sees a box of Scooby Snacks.

 

Pictured: All the dudes on Bachelor in Paradise 

 

Jake is frothing over her and Florence is piiiiiiissed. Honestly Flo, I don’t know what you expected from this Gold Coast F*** Boi! In fact, watching Flo be super cold and bitchy to Ali was difficult; it’s not her fault the guy you said you couldn’t trust finds her attractive and will probably try to get in her pants. That’s just basic maths.

 

You mean…there aren’t any genuinely decent men on this Sex Island?

 

Anyhoo, it all gets a bit confusing now but basically Jarrod’s hyperhydrosis is in over drive over Ali, but then Keira arrives back from her date with Michael and she is OVERJOYED that Jarrod is here which is kind of cute and then they start chatting and you can tell Keira really likes him because she compliments him on being really tanned when really he’s just sunburnt AF.

And then because he has spoken to two blonde women Jarrod thinks he’s in a love triangle.

 

 

Bless.

Finally, to really get the der-rama ramped up for the evening, the third person is being let into the Sex Compound by Osher and it’s none other than Megan Marx, the bisexual queen who dumped Richie and ran off with another contestant.

She’s hoping Jake and/or Ellora are here as she’s “been chatting,” to both of them and honestly, does Jake EVER get off Instagram DMs?? His mobile data must be through the roof, just quietly.

Osher tells her she has the power to take someone on a date but instead of just letting her pick someone like a regular grown ass woman, they sit her down and make her pick from a menu of characteristics that could belong to anyone on the island because #bisexual.

But because the producers are literally here to just f*** with everyone, they pretend she’s “picked” Jake but actually, that can’t be true because she said she didn’t like people who were too motivated and if Jake’s constant need to auction himself off on social media isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.

No, this is just to f*** with Flo.

And it works because her European Rage factor goes to 11 and I’m scared about what might happen to Megan when she actually arrives.

Megan and Jake have a romantic date on the entrance steps to the compound and then Jake asks Megan to go sit on the comfortable couch conveniently placed behind them and then proceeds to do super f*** boi things like tease her for not liking him as much as he likes her and brushing imaginary stray hairs out of her face.

Honestly, I really hope this is another set up for Megan to dump some dude’s ass for a better woman. i.e. Ellora.

They walk back to the Sex Compound but not before Jake plants one big dirty pash on her before Florence can get wise and it kind of reminds me of that time in primary school when the boy I liked kissed another girl behind the exit door at a Blue Light Disco but I totally saw it and then write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

 

Pictured: Me after every time I wrote in my Total Girl diary.

 

Okay I think that’s everything.

Stay tuned for what is sure to be an epic love triangle in Jarrod’s head.

 

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 1: Tropical Hormone Soup

26 Mar

Look, the fact that I felt compelled enough to persevere with writing this on my crappy laptop into the night and not on the fancy work computer should say enough.

Basically I HAVE BEEN PEAKING FOR THIS FOR MONTHS, GUYS.

Forget the Married at First Sight losers, I am all about the Bachie losers who are so ready to get themselves a radio gig and a free membership at Fitness First. (That’s a joke I used on twitter and NBD, Osher liked it I have proof.)

 

We are definitely all very interesting and definitely not here for a job on Nova FM.

 

BIP is a dream of a reality show where all the losers from past Bachelor seasons go to a tropical island to get naked and f***eyed and spend another couple months doing a whole lot of nothing to boost their Instagram profiles. In other words – my dream job.

Osher greets us in some v privileged-white-person part of Fiji,  wearing an adorable hawaiian shirt because #tropical, while Barry Manilow’s back catalogue plays in the background.

 

Welcome back, Tropical Osher.

 

The first to greet him is crowd favourite and all-round Gold Coast gal, Tara, last seen being elected Duchess of the Friend Zone on Matty J’s season. She is still adorable and still, “so excoited.” Bless her. She hot foots it to the bar where she meets Wise who is far too good and pure for this world please give him a spin off show. Stay tuned for some bangers from Wise.

 

I have a PhD in economics. 

 

Meanwhile, Tara better walk out of this with some semi-decent man candy or I’mma be pissed.

Next is Michael Turnbull who has apparently run out of terrible entrepreneurial ideas since he was given the arse by Sam Frost. He’s decided to return to reality tv and hope no one remembers that he pretended to be on the Australian soccer team.  (Except I remember, Michael. I remember.)

The next two people to arrive are basically the equivalent of each other and, therefore, will most likely hook up but it won’t be that interesting because they are far too normal for this shit – Luke and Lisa. Luke was the tall glass of water Sophie Monk was meant to pick, and Lisa’s other name is Dodged a Bullet after Blake Garvey didn’t pick her and then do a sad break up photo shoot with her in New Idea.

BUT WAIT! CLOSE UPS OF BIRDS LOOKING SCARED AND FLYING AWAY AND HORROR MUSIC AND DRUMS IS THERE A CYCLONE OR SOME KIND OF DISASTER ABOUT TO STRIKE THE ISLAND WHAT’S GOING ON I’M AFRAID?!!

Oh hang on, it’s the producer’s subtle intro music for Leah; the villain from Matty J’s season who everyone hates because she had the gall to try and kiss him IN FRONT OF HIS OTHER GIRLFRIENDS! And she was also mean or something but I honestly don’t remember.

She’s followed by Davey who was on Sam Frost’s season of Bachelorette and whose biggest accomplishments since leaving the show include moving out of his parents house and adding to his collection of fluro singlets from Ozmosis.  He’s been flirting with Florence over Insta lately which is a real thing now so I guess he’s hoping she’ll be here.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! HERE SHE IS!

Florence strolls on in like she owns the joint in a matching bikini top and skirt and honest to God I am 100% here for her.

 

Queen Florence, 2018. 

 

She also mentions the flirting she’s been doing with Davey on the internets and this concerns me because Davey is basically every f***boi from the Gold Coast and Flo is a majestic Dutch unicorn.

Everyone else arrives but as Osher explained, more and more people will continue to show up over the coming days so basically this is just a revolving door of naked people who all look similar, so they better get themselves some D or V or at least come up with some sort of half-baked drama or they be saying bye bye to paradise.

The other people who arrive include Brett who no one recognises but apparently sported blonde tips in his season with Sophie Monk. Thankfully, it seems that dying over them has been his main focus since. They have to make up some sort of drama about Brett maybe having a girlfriend back home otherwise there is literally no other reason for him to be here apart from being filler in board shorts.

 

New phone, who dis?

 

Also from Sophie’s reject pile is Eden who I feel like no one ever gave enough credit to because he has a super cool kiwi accent and mad break dancing skillz and introduces himself as a shark surgeon. So far, he is the only dude with a personality.

This includes Jake, who calls himself second runner-up in Georgia Love’s season. You may remember him as the dark haired Lothario who wore a hideous pinky ring and has since been very busy auctioning himself off for charity.

Finally, Nina from Sam Wood’s season turns up and I vaguely remember her as being very unhappy about intruders and starting some kind of war against them but I also could be over exaggerating which doesn’t sound like me at all.

Anyway, time for some DER-RAMA!

Osher explains that each week, the power of the rose ceremony will switch between the men and the women and of course the first group to have the power will be the women because #feminism. Also they haven’t even bothered introducing some sort of fancy, special white/orange/magic rose or just plain sex rose because all everyone here plans to do is bone in their tiki huts 24/7. There is literally no time for any of that white rose nonsense.

Anyway, the der-rama goes as follows: Flo and Davey have been Insta flirting as Flo is yet to realise Davey doesn’t know that Dutch isn’t a country. However, Flo ALSO met Jake at that celebrity Family Feud taping and, according to Flo, they, “talked on Instagram, got smashed and hooked up.” I wish I could say, same here, babe, but I don’t like to leave the house I have no idea how that works.

 

Literally how I imagine Davey talking to Flo.

 

Jake and Davey are both despo to impress her but Davey has also caught the eye of Leah who pretends not to care but then giggles like a drunk maniac every time they talk. Behind Leah’s back, Davey begs Flo to give him a rose, but then when he gets to choose someone to go on a date with, he completely 180’s and picks Leah.

This is dating in 2018, guys. This is why I don’t like to do things.

Leah and Davey go on this super not-awkward date to 100 metres away from everyone else, and it is precisely at the moment they kiss that I realise this entire show is just being the sober person at a club watching all the drunk people desperately make out. I.e. not fun but also a little bit fun.

 

This is our life now, guys. 

 

Flo is pissed at Davey for being such a f***boi obviously but she’s also mad at Jake because Tara told her he is the biggest f***boi on the Gold Coast ever which is saying something really because I used to live on the Gold Coast and honestly the thirst levels there are pretty spectacular.

Cue the beginning of what is sure to be an epic smack down between Jake and Davey over who is the biggest F***boi on Bachie Island. Honest to God, the hormones flying around on this island must make it very difficult to concentrate. It’s Tropical Hormone Soup.

Now, I never do this, but I gotta give the producers some credit here. It seems they aren’t even trying to hide behind a facade of romance and good sportsmanship, because their next move is to allow Jake to pick the next date. Yeah, the producers aren’t here for romance. They’re here to f*** shit up.

The first thing Jake does is call on his boyz to discuss what he should do which is basically just the height of romance and maturity. Even though we know he’s going to pick Flo because he’s despo to bone her again and win this sex triangle and convince her he’s not the biggest sleaze in QLD and he is definitely not going to honour the bro code and not pick her because Davey likes her. Are you following all of this so far? It’s very complicated.

 

Oi, lets go to Goldfingers.

 

Despite Davey telling Jake not to take Flo because she’s his, Jake obviously picks Flo anyway because boyz discussions are just for show and women are property to fight over.

Oh and he asks her out with a straw in his mouth.

Florence, you deserve so much better than this.

Tune in tonight to find out who will win the next round of Biggest F***boi on Bachie Island.

 

 

*Edit* I wasn’t sure whether to actually include this at all, but I thought it worth mentioning that, yes, I acknowledge that Blake has also shown up this season but I am refusing to write about him because he is a terrible person who beats people up and I hate him.

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Notes on Court-ing

29 Sep

Normally when I watch an episode, I take down one-sentence notes or thoughts that I later turn into (hopefully) witty/bitchy narrative/complex sentences. BUT I thought for a change this week, I would just post the one-sentence notes/thoughts I had throughout the episode instead of trying too hard to, like, write stuff….

I promise this has nothing to do with me just being straight up lazy.

Here we go..

 

Remember Courtney? He’s the one who gave her a pasta bracelet. It’s still Golden Date Week for Court.

Courtney has the Golden Date Card which sounds nice in theory, but is really just a lot of pressure to not be shit. In other words, Courtney, don’t f*ck it up, kay?

The boys go outside to check Court’s ride. Because they are boys of course they make “If the Combi’s a-rockin, don’t comma knockin” jokes.

Courtney wants to tailor a date that really shows Lady Bach who he is. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

I do not like camping. Court and I would never work. But I do like pasta bracelets. Actually, I just like pasta full stop.

Georgia keeps saying how relieved she is that Courtney, “finally wants to take her on a date.” It’s been two weeks babe and you’re dating 15 other men. Calm down.

They are going to go skurfing which sounds like some sort of hybrid sexual/bodily function thing. Like queefing. Too far? Whatever, I’m not sold.

Courtney tells the rest of the dudes he has expertly hidden his Group Date card somewhere in the house but really it’s just in the cushions of the couch. This is basically How Not to Win Hide and Seek 101. This place is funking huge and you stick it in the couch?!

Two guys called Tommy and Ryan are put on the group date and everyone seems confused as to how they got there.

 

SINGLE DATE

Courtney is obviously good at skurfing and Lady Bach is not. (Side note – skurfing is a mix of surfing and…skating?)

I mean, call me old-fashioned, but isn’t this just water skiing?

 

skurfing

No. Apparently this is skurfing.

After skurfing, they go to a cafe but the catch is they have to dress up as pirates and try and talk about their real feelings without pissing themselves.

Courtney will from now on be known as Pasta Pirate.

Lady Bach reminds Pasta Pirate and the rest of Australia that she is a failure as a woman because she has had the audacity to prioritize her career over her love life.

After she gives him a rose Lady Bach leans right in, ready for the post-rose pash. He gives her funking hug instead. The worst.

Lady Bach is super disappointed they didn’t pash. She despo wants to pash him.

JUST PASH HIM GEORGIA! YOU’RE THE BACHELORETTE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT!

I’m sorry, but feminism.

 

GROUP DATE

Pasta Pirate has decided to challenge the lads to what he deems Crappy Car Racing. Which is basically exactly what it sounds like.

Of course he has put himself with Lady Bach whose job it is to tighten up the nuts, ifyouknowhaddamean.

Cameron, a.k.a Captain Sunshine, is super into his yellow cart and the whole shebang really. He be like, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! OUR TEAM IS AWESOME!”

Usually this kind of behaviour gets on my nerves but it doesn’t bother me at all because I love him.

 

captain-sunshine-2

Guys, Captain Sunshine is a REAL THING!

Jake and Clancy’s car is Super Crappy.

Obviously Pasta Pirate and Lady Bach win the race. Obviously Jake and Clancy lose big time. Their car is Super Crappy.

Courtney gets to decide who has private time with Bachie Love. Doesn’t take the opportunity to make up for the non-pash disaster and instead goes the Mercy Vote and gives it to Tommy. Lady Bach has no idea who he is.

You’re an idiot, Pasta Pirate. Arrrrrgggh! (That’s a pirate joke.)

 

idiot-pirate

Make better choices, Courtney.

Tommy tells Lady Bach he doesn’t have a personality. I mean, a BIG personality. She pretty much agrees with him. You can tell she’s still thinking about Pasta Pirate not pashing her.

This encounter has about as much romantic depth as an oven mitt.

At least he gets a hug too. But this time Lady Bach actually means it, yo.

 

georgia-unsure

Are you with catering?

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Captain Sunshine strangely enough seems a little apprehensive about the whole sharing-a-girlfriend thing. Talks himself out of it with a positive attitude and a high five.

Matty gets Lady Bach alone and decides to spend it playing charades. Are charades back or something?

Jake and Sam seem really nervous about some “big show” they’ve got planned for Lady Bach. I really hope it’s a strip duet – you definitely don’t see enough of that on a 7.30pm time slot.

Meanwhile, Lady Bach gets mad at Pasta Pirate for giving her alone time with Tommy, how very dare he.

Pasta Pirate just wants to play fair. Snore……

Sadly, no double striptease. Unless there’s a penis under that silver platter. Oh wait…

In actuality, the two lads have made their communal girlfriend a fancy, ball-shaped dessert. (Lol, ball.)

But srzly, it’s like an Adriano Zumbo creation. I think this might be a subliminal Masterchef promotion. Like, when has ANYONE EVER seen Sam or Jake bake or roast anything, aside from the other guys in the house? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!

 

sam-jake-high-five

High five for random cross-promotion!

Jake never really had anything to worry about tbh because Lady Bach still gets a minge twinge whenever he’s around. (I stole that from Gogglebox. It’s my new favourite thing to say.)

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE CAPTAIN SUNSHINE IN THE BOTTOM TWO, GEORGIA?! HOW COULD YOU!!

Obviously he doesn’t go home, but still. I did not appreciate that at all.

 

how-dare-you-gif

To give Lady Bach props, she knows she don’t got no chemistry with Tommy and takes him outside to say it to his face. (Side note – outside chats are already happening?)

Despite his lack of sparkles with Lady Bach, Tommy seems like good people.

Sorry I was so mean to you, Tommy.

OMG I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK! INTRUDER DUDES!

Man, this shit is going forward at break neck speed.

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: Mills and Dudes

23 Sep

It’s kind of hard for me to start this recap because apparently Georgia Love doesn’t do any poignant water thinking or exercise thinking. I guess she just spends her time dating dudes and taking names. Ain’t no one got time for that water crap, amiright?

 

im-busy

 

Moving on. It’s the first morning in the Mansion that Spotlight Built and is it just me or has the Tuscan Kitchen been given a quick little bro makeover? All the said bros are chillin in their casual denim and flannies chatting about their night at the cocktail partay, that is, until Osher shows up and puts all their denim dreams to shame. Funnily enough he’s got a date card and no time to stick around.

Instead, Resident Narrator Aaron does the reading-of-date-card honors and gives the single date to Jake. Remember guys, Jake gave up his seat for Lee so he is, like, some kind of Ghandi incarnate and Lady Bach’s lady parts felt tingly things when she met him.

 

ghandi

Totally would. 

 

For their date, they go to the Three Sisters/Blue Mountains or something. In other words, NATURE.  But obviously this date is going to involve doing things high up and probably dangling from these high up things. In this case, dangling from the scenic railway. Poor Jake is shitting bricks but takes it on the chin. Or the helmet. Whichever.

Unfortunately nothing dangerous really happens and they abseil safely to the ground. Then they go to some fancy place called The Carrington. You know shit is fancy when the buildings have names, yo.

Before we know it, shit is getting hella serious when they start talking about their mums having cancer. The C word is never really funny so I’mma leave that one.

More talking and staring at each other and it looks like they’ll probably pash…

……and yep. FIRST PASH OF THE SEASON! WEEEE!!

 

georgia-jake-kiss

No sign of pinky ring from this angle…

 

Yep. Final Three for Jake. Calling it now. You can quote me if you like.

Meanwhile the other lads are all back at the Manch planning Jake’s possible death.

 

GROUP DATE

The inaugural early-in-the-season-photoshoot has arrived, surprise surprise, early in the season.

Quote of the night goes to lovable nervous pooer Ben when he finds out he’s on the group date – “Do we have to RSVP for this?” The more he talks, the more I like him.

For their super fancy photoshoot it’s all about the country. Country. Horses. Nature. Puffer vests. Much nature.

In fact, it is a legit shoot for Mills & Boon’s new book series set in the Aussie Outback and the dudes will be split into small groups to have cover shots taken with Lady Bach. Except Cameron. He gets his own. Because he’s adorable. The rest of the dudes look super psyched about it. Except Cameron.

Umm, side note…am I the only one who’s super keen to read this shit? Gawd I hope there’s a character called Barry. Or Steve. Or Banjo. That would be crackers. (Is that an Aussie thing? I don’t really know…) Regardless, the optimism is practically palpable when the lads realise that maybe this means they’ll make some serious dolla bills off the royalties.

 

mills-and-boon

I hope they re-use this title in the new series!

 

But there’s really no time for this kind of positivity because what has now started is the BATTLE OF THE MAN SORT OF MODELS! It is Sam vs. Rhys in an epic contest of white guy rigs and hair flipping. Obviously the der-rama for this episode and possibly erry episode for the rest of this season will be centered around Sam hating Rhys for being a model. Or something.

Shoot 1 – Lady Bach is put in Courtney’s arms while the other plebs carry logs and stuff. What a stitch up. Meanwhile, I actually hate being carried like that. Not that that many men offer to carry me in a fireman lift these days, but whatevs… I feel like a complete gumby.

Shoot 2 – Lady Bach is up on a white horse with Lee. Matt gets stuck on the ground making friends with the horse’s face. They’re not even trying to make it hard for us to guess who she likes best. Poor Matt.

Shoot 3 – The Two Epic Models. And Clancy. Rhys gets his rig out and Sam is not okay with it. Just quietly, does anyone else love Sam now? Like, I know he has terrible attitudes towards women and is probably the worst kind of guy to date and we’re supposed to hate him, but these claws of his are super sassy and hilarious.

Shoot 4 – Just Cam. Because he’s a babe. This sucks for me though, because all the local fireman around my area are 50-plus and balding. They kind of nearly kiss. No one is sure.

 

nature-shoot-2

Nothing says romance quite like an akubra. 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Rhys has a poem. Because of COURSE he does. Just when we thought we got through the meet-and-greets without any awkward poetry…nekk minit…Rhys. Unfortunately it’s not that good. It doesn’t really rhyme properly. Or did I miss the memo about new-age hipster poetry intentionally being a bit crap?

According to one of the dudes whose name I have yet to care about, the “masculine energy” in the house has risen. Or does he just mean Sam’s hatred Rhys. This is getting serious. Will there be a table flip tonight? Even if there isn’t, I am enjoying Sam’s impressions of his nemesis and general bitchiness.

 

fullsizerender-2

 

Sam tries to convince Lady Bach that Rhys is just an awful, scarf-wearing model/devil but gets interrupted by none other than Rhys before he can tell her to boot him off.

Not that it really matters anyway. She keeps them both so that Australia’s viewing audience can enjoy at least another week of this strange, yet oddly fulfilling feud. Instead, it’s Ben who’s sent packing. But surely they cannot send the nervous pooer home this early in the game? It’s just so cruel! I actually feel awful. For realz. I have real feelings about this, Lady Bach.

 

Watch yoself.

 

fullsizerender-1

Also this.

 

 

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The Bachelorette Season 2: The path to Georgia’s Love

22 Sep

I wasn’t going to recap The Bachelorette, I really wasn’t. But I have a sickness and no sooner had I watched the first episode of Season 2, that I felt the inexplicable need to give my opinion on it. So…yeah. Here we are, guys.

The producers barely had enough time to clean the chocolate bath remnants from the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built before Lady Love and her crew took over the place. Luckily though, one of the work experience kids managed to nip back down to Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table and stock up on more metallic candle holders and expensive throw rugs. Crisis averted.

I just hope they gave Osher a weekend off or something to recover.

But here he is, looking his dapper self, and ready to introduce us to Australia’s newest Bachelorette – Georgia Love.

So who is she?

Well, she’s a journalist and news reporter who lives in Tasmania and was probably the best option they had since I’m guessing Cool Girl Heather and Well Traveled Lana turned down the gig. But Lady Bach seems pretty sweet and, despite her bad habit of speaking like she’s on the five o’clock news, is a stone cold fox. But the poor thing has put her successful career first for the last decade, how very dare she, and has thus been punished by the Gods of romance for not giving it all up to find a man. Until now…

 

sad-georgia

This is what you get for having a career.

 

Instead of going home to her cold career, hopefully Lady Love will be going home to one of the 16 bachelors Channel 10 and the Myer Briggs test have picked out for her… I just really hope the “relationship experts” from Married at First Sight weren’t involved…

But before I give you my run-down on the fellas, can I just say it is actually bullshit that she only gets 16 dudes and Bachie Cool Bananas got 23 ladies. MAYBE it was because Richie needed more personalities in the house to overshadow his own, but I think I’m being too optimistic here. This is just straight-up anti-feminism! Does Susan Sarandon know about this?

Anywhoo, Lady Love is all decked out in her elegant and virginal white gown, living out my personal dream of standing on her driveway and just waiting for hot men in limos to pull up and impress her. And if by “impress” you mean making awkward conversation and wearing a lot of velvet suits, then yes, they are very impressive. Many velvet, much pinky rings.

I’m not going to give a run down on erry single one because you and I both have a life, but here are the standouts:

Cameron: Firefighter. Very cute. Likes Disney. Will most likely be in the Final 3 due to my other Bachie theory, not dissimilar to the Dress theory, that the first suitor introduced is usually a major contender. You heard it here first.

Jake: Forgot what he does but he’s from the Gold Coast. He’s really cute except he wears a pinky ring. Ew. It’s a no from me, but Bachie Love doesn’t seem to care. High chance of going rogue and punching someone later due to aforementioned description.

Rhys: Model and Entrepreneur. This means he’s probably a barista at a hipster cafe and runs a semi-popular tumblr account. Basically says anyone can be as hot as he is if they just try harder. Tries hard to speak French. Is shit.

Courtney: Also forgot what he does but something to do with kids? Super adorbs but I think I’m biased because he’s wearing a plaid shirt and gives her a pasta bracelet.

Carlos: Self-proclaimed Business Mogul. So…a stripper. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Clearly producer’s pick for ratings as not even the Married at First Sight relationship experts would pair him with Georgia. Also wears pinky ring and looks greasy. I hope he stays.

Lee: Mechanical Plumber. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I bet he’s good with his hands or…something. Offers Lady Bach his jacket while swooning over her eyes but obviously stylists crack the shits and make him take it back. Oh yeah, also brings a donkey with him, NBD. A donkey in a mexican costume, no less. Asks, “does my ass look big in this?” Ten points to Gryffindor.

 

donkey

#animalrights

 

Ben: Miner. Extreme Aussie and clearly there for comic relief. Self-proclaimed nervous pooer. Bless. Trips over on his way up the stairs. Jury still out on whether it was legit an accident or excuse to use bad pun. Either way I’m okay with it.

Clancy: Has beard. May not have beard by end of night.

Sam: Claims to be an electrician but I really don’t know if I’d let him anywhere near live wires. But well done to the producers because this guy is television heaven. Explains that he rarely has to try very hard as women usually just go to him, hence why he’s still single and on a dating show? Wonders if Georgia will be able to keep his attention for more than a week. What a sweetheart! And by attention he means asking her a series of inane questions that he probably stole from a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Wins Quote of the Night with, “I don’t know what planet she’s from that she doesn’t agree with everything I say?” Thank you, Channel 10. Thank you.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Off to an excellent start. Lady Bach enters in all her glory only to stack it down the stairs. And suddenly every woman in Australia goes lesbian for a moment because, lesbihonest, Georgia is all of us after a few drinks. She brushes it off like no big deal but then secretly wants to die in her private interview. Basically me everyday.

 

georgia-falls

Georgia at the cocktail party…

kill-me-gif

…Georgia IRL

 

After that, the der-rama takes a bit of a nose dive. I really hate to say this, but dudes are not as interesting as chicks are at the cocktail parties. All that happens is that they form a line to talk to Lady Bach. It’s kind of sweet but also super weird.

Meanwhile, Rhys and some guy called Aaron find each other and begin what looks to be a beautiful bromance. They make a lot of cringe-worthy jokes and then laugh a lot of those jokes and I can’t help but wonder if this is what I’m like with my friends when we’ve been drinking and, if so, someone should probs just put me out of my misery. Although a little part of me does hope they turn on each other and flip tables and shit because that would be way more entertaining.

 

bromance

The real love story of the season.

 

OOHH CONTROVERSY ALERT!

Guys, even though Lady Love has waaaay more personality than Bachie Bananas did, they’re not giving her a White Sex Rose! Obviously this is NOT. OKAY. WITH. ME. Less men to pick from and now no Sex Rose. What’s next? The men not having to compete in humiliating challenges?!

What Lady Bach does get is some pissy little orange rose called the “First Impression Rose” which is actually just the Rose of Lies! Poor Osher tries to sell it like a #reallybigdeal but it turns out it works basically the same as the regular roses, it’s just the lucky dude gets given it earlier in the night. And gets to choose ONE date with Lady Bach and ONE group date. No escaping up to the White Rose Sex Hideaway whenever the mood strikes.

If I was Lady Bach I would be piiiiiiiiiissed.

The lucky/not-so-lucky recipient is Courtney and maybe I’m okay with that decision. I always knew plaid shirts were a good life choice.

ROSE CEREMONY

Poor Georgia has to send home two dudes out of an already small pool of 16! I mean, I’m no scientist, but isn’t it LADIES who are the better sex at multi-tasking?! Are we legitimately going into the beginning of this new season with a measly FOURTEEN MEN?! What good can possibly come of that?

Regardless, Lady Bach must do as she is told and so she sends home Carlos and a white guy whose name I did not learn. Seeing as Carlos was clearly the producers pick, I’m very surprised they let that slide. Perhaps they feel bad for shafting poor Lady Love at every other opportunity. And by shafting I’m not trying to make bad sexual innuendo. For once.

 

Ah well, at least Sam and his codependent attitude are still there. And the donkey. Or…at least I think the donkey is still there?

Guys?

 

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The Bachelor Season 4: Bintang, done that.

15 Sep

Truth bomb: This may be the shortest, most non-eventful recap I’ve ever done and I feel like I’ve done it a million times; I am RUNNING ON EMPTY, GUYS. I promise I will throw in as much random funny shit from the internet to try and make it seem better. I mean, this is what would normally be the Dates With No Time Limits (yes, I’m STILL bitter, get over it) so nothing is ever going to live up to it, but come on. If it wasn’t for Olena I would basically have nothing to say. But one thing at a time…

Bachie Banana warms up for a long evening of being beige with some poignant stretching, pond-side weights and pond-side sit ups.

 

stretchings

Can pond.

He’s going to take his three blondes on a trip and he’s very worried about having to pick which one is the natural blonde because he cannot possibly end up with a fake blonde as his wife. Osher isn’t even here to help him. Either they couldn’t afford to pay him or he’s legit thrown in the towel and gone the f*ck home.

AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! Give me a free flight to a foreign country! (I am not so much kidding about this one – I would love me some travel voucher.)

The big international trip on AIR ASIA is to, as Richie keeps calling it, “Indonesia.” Which is just Bali, the bogan tourist capital of Straya. At the very least, they’ve learnt their lesson from last year when they went to some shitty fishing town in Sydney and it just rained the whole time. From what I can recall, Snezana got taken on a funking walk to the beach as her final date. So I guess this is a step up.

 

air-asia-1

Can I have a free flight, please?

 

So much Bali. Many Indonesia. Bintang. Tourists. Nasi Goreng. You know the drill.

 

air-asia-2

How bout now??

 

ALEX

If nothing else, Alex should win a medal for laughing the most over his terrible jokes. They ride bikes through the rice paddies and they say beautiful and pretty a lot and Richie makes bad puns and Alex shrieks as if she’s been kept in a dungeon devoid of humor by some creep who wants to bone her…oh wait….

 

brooke-shields-laughing

Everything you say is just so FUNNY!!

 

Gush gush gush. There’s a lot of gushing and kissing with tongue.

Alex wants to know if Richie would move to Melbourne because obviously she’s the one with the “big responsibility” child and Richie pretends to entertain the idea but we all know Bachie don’t move nowhere for nobody.

They arrive at a Random Fancy Rotunda, where Alex exclaims that, “It’s so beautiful” and Richie replies with, “just like you.” Vomit.

There is an attempt at injecting some der-rama into the scene with Richie pretending to worry that his mum and sister might not know how to react to their son dating a blonde who has pushed out a human from her vagina. But considering his own mum is/was a single mum, I’mma say it ain’t gonna be a problem, but what would I know. Nice try, assistant producer.

 

NIKKI

Bachie Bananas is super excited to see the obvious winner and says he’s going to share everything he loves about Bali with Nikki. Yah, because you love her and you’re going to pick her.

Nikki seems wayyyy too excited and grateful considering she’s been here twelve times. TWELVE TIMES?! Ooohh…that’s right she’s from the country. I get it. Carry on.

 

phoebe-fun

You mean, we get to go to the beach again?!

 

Bachie Bananas tries to say he hasn’t seen an adventurous side to Nikki just yet, demonstrating that memory loss of his is still a bit of a problem. I don’t know exactly what you classify as adventurous, Richie, but remember when she ate lamb’s guts and beat up other girls in kangaroo suits, babe?

 

 kangaroos

Remember dis?

 

Anyway, the producers try to create an interesting date where they go to the beach and go on some flying fish water sports activity out the back of a hotel. But to me it kinda felt like this…

 

boring-banana

 

Gush gush gush. There’s more gushing and more kissing with tongue.

It’s very beige and they are obviously in love. The end.

Although I did giggle when Richie said,”Good times, good times,” before going in to pash her. Spot on, mate. Straya. Romance.

 

OLENA

Just when I thought the ads for Lady Bachie were more exciting than this episode, in walks Kween Olena.

Olena is obviously a massive bitch because she hasn’t said she loves him already. Because she realises that she doesn’t really know this guy all that well. And she realises they literally live on opposite sides of the country, and you know, that might be, like, a f*cking problem.

Poor Richie is confused about whether he likes her for realz or whether he just wants to bone her, so if any date has the potential to be interesting, it’s this one.

Bachie Bananas is super keen to find out what Olena’s parents said about him because, despite constantly saying it’s more important to follow your own heart, we are in desperate need of some der-rama and that is obviously important to him all of a sudden.

Kween Olena straight up tells him her parents didn’t really have an opinion because they met him for half an hour and they were being filmed for national television. I am gobsmacked this vessel of rationality has survived this long in the game.

Richie agonizes over this highly controversial piece of information for, like, their entire date which consists of them surfing and drinking on the beach.

He decides to “confront” her because how very dare her parents have nothing less than sunshine and rainbows to say about him and what follows then is an amazing ten minutes of Richie cracking the sads that Olena isn’t saying what he wants her to and Olena not giving a sh*t about it.

OLENA: I just feel like long distance relationships are really hard.

RICHIE: Yeah, but, what about my feelings?

OLENA: Look, I like you and stuff, but I don’t know how this would work, to be honest.

RICHIE: WHY AREN’T YOU OPENING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?!

OLENA: Kthanxbyyyeeee.

 

olena-dont-care

Yeah, nah.

 

Olena is just heaven throughout the whole exchange. Bachie basically loses his bananas over her rational arguments about long distance, even though he knows he was never going to uproot his life for her, and she comes back with, “You were livin in a fairytale.”

Yas kween. Thank god for Foxtel, because I totally hit rewind a couple of times just to enjoy that again. And again.

Bachie be MAD.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Bye bye Olena. There is literally no reason for me to even be writing this. Srzly Channel 10 I don’t even know why you’re bothering with the Batman soundtrack because we all know what’s happening. Olena knows and she doesn’t give any f*cks.

When he finally puts her out of her misery and tries to explain that dumping her had absolutely nothing to do with the fact she had an opinion different to his, he tells us that,”Saying goodbye to Olena wasn’t really that difficult.”

This guy. What a sweetheart.

Olena can not get on an AIR ASIA flight quick enough back to a world where logic exists.

 

morgan-bored

On the plus side, the filler episode before the finale is over and we can all just look forward to actual finale tonight where Nikki’s blonde hair will take the Bachie crown.

ALTHOUGH!

After seeing the preview for the finale, I’m having a couple of doubts – they uuuuusually dress the winners in gold/white/some kind of virginal hue. And Nikki is going to be wearing red. Alex is in a gold sequinned number… I’m just saying…

 

air-asia-3

How bout now?

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