Hoo boy… I feel as though I’m gonna be using that phrase on the reg this season.
First of all, I’m sorry, but there are some woman on this show who are already losing their Cotton On panties over a man they barely know. I mean, why am I so surprised? I’ve written about this bloody show since it’s first season, but there’s just….something about this lap around the track that makes me feel uncomfortable.
It could just be the facial hair. Idk.
Okay so obviously the producers are straight up exploiting Cass’ distorted emotions for ratings and I hate to admit that I am here for it. They throw her a big ol’ bone by way of a single date card hint about “…paths crossing before,” but alas, they are referring to Nick’s possible second cousin Britt-Ann-Y.
Cass looks as crushed as I did the day I accidentally found out Santa Claus was most likely just my mum and dad with different hand-writing. She runs off to journal her feelings in her Total Girl diary.
Meanwhile, Britt-Ann-Y is invited to board Nick’s vessel which I wish was a funny euphemism I made up myself but it’s actually real words he yelled at her. Turns out Britt has got some serious sexy-eye problems and goes about this single date as if Bachie Badger is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, when really he’s explaining how to jam her foot in a hole.
#AussieRomance.
Mmm…footgolf…
Eventually they are in a pool and we get some of my favourite Pool Pashing meaning Britt is the lucky recipient of the First Real Pash (soz Romy). I gotta say, them curls of his in the water are both kind of hot but also remind me of a wet poodle so my lady parts are confused.
Luckily, there is no confusion on Cousin Britt’s side, and there’s some more pashing before she accepts a rose.
GROUP DATE
Sometimes I feel like once the lame photo shoot date in episode 2 is done, the producers literally stop giving a f*** about what they get the women to do the rest of the time. Case in point: this date.
It sucks.
Nothing really interesting happens but it seems to be sport based because Bachie Badger is full sport. Sport.
I don’t know sport but I’m almost positive this isn’t what it is.
Silver lining – Vanessa Sunshine wins the challenge and still doesn’t crack a smile and good God I love her. She’s the Kim Day to Nick’s Kel Knight and everyone in Australia is on board. Except maybe Nick but who gives a f*** what he wants. Probably sport though.
Ironically, during the ad breaks are the updates about the #LibSpill and can we just elect Vanessa Sunshine as new Prime Minister because I have a gut feeling she’d do a bang up job.
VS for PM 2018
Meanwhile, Brooke, who still has the Sex Key in case you’d forgotten, is starting to sweat bullets because it’s been a whole 3 days and she hasn’t had a lot of time with Bachie Badger and I don’t wanna be mean about it, but honestly bebe, I was hoping you’d save that Sex Key for a time when he already had a girl in his house and you’d bust open the door ala Jim Carey in The Cable Guy and just make yourself at home slash maybe start a sex fight. (I don’t even know what a sex fight would be but it sounds entertaining.)
Urgh, she panic-uses the damn Sex Key and goes over first thing in the bloody morning for Bacon and Egg McMuffins and football. SNORE.
You’re killing me, Brooke. Although I like that you wore your pajamas because that is definitely a mood but don’t pretend you’re some “Cool Girl” because I can still see your bronzer and eyeshadow. I’m no fool.
They eventually play some sport and then pash because us viewers deserve that at least and we’re sick of watching sport things.
Good bye Sex Key. You were a bigger let-down than Britney’s 2010 Comeback Concert.
Good one, BROOKE.
COCKTAIL PARTY
FINALLY! Some interesting shit is happening by way of Bintang Cat and her bestie Romy just being meanies to everyone. Does anyone else kind of love the drama but then hate themselves for loving women being bitches? Asking for a friend.
HOLD UP.
Cass has appeared from behind a fake bush and SHE IS HOLDING HER DIARY COULD THIS BE REAL PLEASE OSHER MAKE IT REAL!
She and Nick sit down and already you can see his pupil’s are dilated to the max, ready for the attack. Cass is in full-blown Zero Chill Mode and I am so goddamn ready. She looks sweaty.
THE WOMAN IS READING FROM HER LITERAL DIARY ABOUT HOW SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AT FITNESS FIRST AND SOMETHING ABOUT A PRECIOUS MOMENT IN TIME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Curse Total Girl magazine for giving out free diaries!
I definitely do feel like I can see the poor girl’s heart beating through her chest and maybe she’ll just start bleeding idk.
Guys, this is intense. Cass is just staring at him like I would imagine a giant crocodile would stare at you right before it ripped your small intestine out. #straya.
I just feel so sorry for this girl because they obviously boned one time and because she is a mere 23 she has caught the feels and written it all down in her diary and Nick is legit acting like every damn f***boi who sleeps with a girl once and then pretends he barely knows her and I’m kind of mad at Cass for perpetuating that myth that women fall in love with every penis they meet this is so frustrating.
But then the internet brought us this:
And once again we are all reminded why we are here.
Cass is definitely getting a rose but not because Nick likes her but because she is giving all the producers drama boners. She is too pure for this world.
ROSE CEREMONY
Der-rama! Three whole women are going home tonight and honestly, Bachie Badger just looks relieved because spinning yarns with this many women makes for tiring work. But maybe also a very nice scarf.
Sadly for me he farewells Energy Healer Cayla as well as the Cayla who jumped in the pool. Lol. What a time to be alive that was.
Some other girl whose name I’ve forgotten is also let go but no one has any time to look her up on Ten Play because Non-Pool-Jumping Cayla is breaking protocol and asking Nick to step outside with her so they can talk. My God I hope she smudges his aura with her sage stick.
Close.
She basically just tells him about the Mean Girls group and how Cat, Romy and their other non-descript mate are big ol meanies.
Obviously, Bachie Badger ain’t well versed in lady talk so he just thanks her awkwardly and then throws her in a limo quicker than you can say, “rose quartz”.
Bye Cayla. I hope I find you again at the Mind Body Spirit Festival.
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