Ode to My Father

1 Sep

“Some people say I look like me dad!”

You said it, B*Witched.  (And if you don’t know which circa 1999 Irish girls group I’m referring to, YouTube that shit immediately.)

There is a common belief that most girls end up looking like their mothers.  And from observation I have found this to be true.  But not for me.  I thought by this age I would have started appreciating cane furniture and shopping at Laura Ashley.  However, this does not appear to be the case.  Despite the fact I sometimes bear an uncanny resemblance to him in photographs (which is a little disturbing when you’re a 29 year-old woman) fate and genetics seem to have decided that my future is heading directly towards Fathertown.

And since a) today is Father’s Day and b) my father works in some random part of buttf&*# nowhere (also known as Western Australia), I have created this blog post as a dedication to daddy dearest (who will most likely never read it, as he does not have sufficient internet access or possibly internet knowledge.)

10 Reasons Why I Am Turning Into My Father:

1.  I yell at the television.

This was originally restricted to State of Origin matches. ( Yes, I am an avid QLD State of Origin supporter and don’t even start.)  This kind of behaviour is acceptable in a live-to-air football match.  However, a few months ago, I found myself screaming “SHE’S LYING TO YOU, HAYLEY! STOP LYING TO HAYLEY LEWIS!!” during an episode of Biggest Loser.  On my own.  Give me a recliner lounge and a rum, and I’m Dad.

2.  I fall asleep in an upright position.

Don’t tell me your dad didn’t doze off in front of the telly.  My dad even did it with his cup of coffee still in his hand.  And I would watch with gross fascination.  But now that I have a real job and have been practically forced into taking multi-vitamins for Energy & Vitality I TOTALLY get it. I do it at work, on the bus, in the movies, on my couch, at the doctor.  I even drool sometimes.

3.  No parking space is ever good enough.

We used to live within 5 minutes of one of the biggest shopping centres in south east Brisbane, if you don’t hardly mind.  Any mum’s dream.  Any father’s greatest dread.  Dad never came to the shops except at Christmas and birthdays.  And it took him an hour to find a space, because “everything was too bloody far away.”  Mum would park in the next suburb if it meant she had access to the Myer Stocktake Sale.  But not dad.  And not me.  It’s a prime spot or I turn that car around.

4.  I have to turn off all electrical points in the house.

I cannot leave the house without double checking that everything with the remote potential for catching fire is turned off.  At the wall.  Things like the heater.  The kettle.  My hair straightener.  The TV.  Now I understand why it took us half a day to leave the house for a holiday and why my mother had to have a scotch and orange in the morning. Whatever, when YOUR house burns down from electrical failure, don’t come crying to me.

5.  I like beer more than a lot of things.

Cheap beer.  Even at 58, dad will still take a XXXX over a Corona.  Before you judge, I do not drink XXXX.  In Victoria, you can get assaulted for that.  But I would take a VB.  Or Carlton.  Whichever.

6.  I laugh at my own jokes.

It’s bad enough that I’ve been telling dad jokes since I was 17.  It’s worse now that I am the one laughing the loudest.  And I don’t even care.

7.  I wear singlets under everything.

Remember Chesty Bonds?  Mum used to pick up a two-pack for dad at Woolies because he wore them UNDER EVERYTHING.  Apparently it was a thing back in the late 80’s/early 90’s before it was acceptable for men to wear fluoro coloured muscle shirts.  Initially I thought this new habit of mine developed because I lived in Melbourne.  But the fact that I am still doing it well into Autumn and Spring begs to differ.

8. I like to watch documentaries.  And Seinfeld.

Dad’s favourite shows are docos.  I used to see docos as dead bloody boring with a few shots of old ladies with their boobs hanging out.  Not anymore.  ‘Inside the Human Body’, ‘Airplane Investigation’, ‘National Geographic’s Search for the Green-Eyed Girl’ – I’m mad for it!  I turned down ‘Bridezillas’ to watch a doco on the volcanic eruptions on Mars on a flight to Brisbane last month.  WHO AM I?!

And the Seinfeld thing?  I used to hate it.  Now I own the DVDs.

9.  I go to Bunnings.

This is a bit of a stretch.  I went to Bunnings.  Consider the fact that I had never been before in my life, I have now visited that place three times in the last year!  In my defence I was wearing a leopard print maxi and a purple cape.  But still.

10.  I’m very concerned about petrol prices.

Gosh they’re getting expensive.  It’s bloody daylight robbery!  When I got my licence, it was 68 cents a litre!

 

 

Truth be told, I still don’t know how to change a tyre properly or how to check the chlorine levels of a pool.  But give me another few years and she’ll be right.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

 

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