How I Feel About… The Oscars

4 Mar

Hello I’m back, please! 

Yes, I could pretend I was v v busy living a #blessed life with little time to write in my humble blog, but that would be a straight out lie.  I just got reeeeally lazy.  Plus it was Christmas/New Year/Valentine’s Day/the weekend and I was drinking. 

But no worry; I’m back on the blog wagon with a new series I’ve creatively titled, ‘How I Feel About That’.  Basically a regular series where I offload my self-indulgent opinion on many a celebrity marriage and other world news.  Starting with my FAVOURITE topic of any year – The Academy Awards. 

GAWD I LOVE THE OSCARS!  It is the pinnacle of the awards season, the accumulation of months of designer dresses, Paleo/cabbage soup diets and press interviews.  And I love a glittering, awkward red carpet interview like no one’s business. Plus all my favourite celebrities are in the same place at the same time.  It’s like the AFL Grand Final for anyone who isn’t a straight, white male.  So here is my personal wrap-up of Hollywood’s Night of Nights.

 

For starters, Channel 9, NO.  Just no.  Starting the delayed telecast at bloody 10pm is not OK.  I am fully aware that the actual event takes place during the day in Australia, but, believe it or not, most of us have jobs.  And I am also aware of the existence of Foxtel and the internet, but some of us plebs cannot afford such luxuries.  Plus, you put so much effort into those fancy Free-to-Air ads last year, I actually thought I’d give it a chance.  What a let down.  I mean, you’ll put aside a whole bloody day for a cricket match, but is it SAAAAH unimaginable to push back ‘The Block: Fans vs Favourites’ for a night so us celebrity stalkers can enjoy The Oscars at a reasonable hour?  Apparently not.  Needless to say, I do not look good on five hours sleep.  Rude.

Now the red carpet alone brought about some stellar moments this year.  Jonah Hill and his mum for a start.  As always, Jonah was just dying to remind us that he knew Leonardo DiCaprio.  We KNOW, Jonah.  We KNOW you and Leo did a movie together.  We KNOW you’re totally best friends.  We get it.  And not to be outdone, Jonah’s mum was just loving it sick!  Jumping into interviews, frantically waving at the camera every five minutes.  Gosh, Jonah, you might need to tell mum to put a lid on it for next time or she’ll be the next Mrs Beiber. 

But at least she wore a dress that wasn’t bloody beige.  Seriously.  Every second actress/model/seat filler down the red carpet was decked out in that fleshy, champagne-like hue.  If I had taken a drink every time I saw a beige dress, I would have been legless.  Jessica Biel, Jennifer Garner, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Cate Blanchett (love ya, Cate), the list goes on. Sandra Bullock and Amy Adams tried the more serious navy look, but again, bit boring.  Where’s bloody Bijork in her swan dress when you need her?  (On a side note, every time I watch Amy Adams being interviewed, I just get the urge to remind her that she was in ‘Cruel Intentions 2’.  True story.  Watch it immediately.)

We started off the epic ceremony without the popular song and dance number so often seen by the likes of Billy Crystal or Hugh Jackman. Which was kind of strange considering our fav dancing lesbian, Ellen, was hosting the show.  Oh Ellen.  Everyone loves a funny, dancing lesbian.  And funny she was…and a bit mean. I guess she replaced the dancing with being a bit of a bitch. Which was kind of nice.  You know, celebrities need to be knocked down a few pegs every now and then, and she gave it a red hot go.  And everybody loves a bit of audience interaction; particularly when Sir Ellen took a mass selfie with basically everyone in the front row.  I mean, Meryl was there (who earlier had shimmied with Pharrell…stop it!) and J-Law was talking about dropping a boob…I was practically hyperventilating.  Needless to say, #mostretweetsever.  #soblessed.  Apparently Liza tried to get in on the selfie action without much luck. Come on, guys.  LIZA!  The fact that she made it there and managed to run some blue Fudge through her hair deserves an honorary Oscar.  Move over next time, please. 

And by the hour and twenty mark, we’d gotten through seven awards.  For realz.  Seven.  Gawd it was going to be a long night.  Thankfully, we’d had a nice moment when Jared Leto and his ombre hair won Best Supporting Actor.  On ya, Jared.  From ‘My So-Called Life’ to an Oscar.  What. A. Jump.  And then good old Catherine Martin won for her costume design (again) for ‘The Great Gatsby’.  Maybe Cathy could share her fiftieth Oscar with Leo?  Poor Leo….but I’ll get to that. 

Now, if you do not have a facebook account or a television, you may not be aware that John Travolta presented.  Not an award, but he did the introduction for Idina Menzel before she sang the song that’s been posted on social media more times than pictures of green smoothies.  And he cocked it up royally.  Called her Adele Something-Something.  Whatever it was, it was definitely NOT her name.  Saaaaahhh awkward.  But ever the Broadway star, Deens didn’t let that bother her and sung on like a trooper.  However, I can only imagine the bitch slapping that would have occurred in the dressing room. 

Then a lot of other things happened that I missed because I was asleep.  Come on, it was bloody midnight!  Whatever. I managed to wake up before our Cate won Best Actress.  Saw that one coming. Still, always exciting when Caty walks away with a prize.  And her speech was great.  V empowering, v intelligent.  But then…

Matthew McConaughey.  For those of you who do not personally know me, you should understand that the McCon is my arch nemesis.  Why?  I do not have the time nor blog capacity to tell you.  But needless to say, it has been a decade-long war that he is probably not aware of.  He is my Lex Luther, my Bane and my Newman rolled into one.  And he won the bloody Oscar!  Hideous. Yes, yes, I KNOW he was very good in ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. How can I like anyone who refers to themselves as their wife’s “king” and steals Leo’s potential Oscar out of his cold, dead hands?

Oh Leo.  Leo, Leo, Leo.  The man has been nominated more times than he’s had hot dinners and never wins.  Look, I’m sure his endless supply of topless, supermodel girlfriends helps to ease the pain, but still.  Maybe he should lose a heap of weight and play a cross-dresser or dying/crazy person.  Seems to be the sure-fire way to win won of those things.  Hilary Swank, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hanks, Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron and now Jared.  All done it.  Just sayin. 

Anyway, the night wrapped up with ’12 Years a Slave’ taking out Best Picture and the foreign guy from ‘Gravity’ picking up Best Director.  Well done, chaps.  I don’t mean to rush the last bit, but blame Channel 9.  IT WAS VERY LATE. 

It’s such a pity that they don’t televise the Oscars after parties.  I would stay up all night to watch that shit.  But I’m sure all the stars partied on at Vanity Fair or Elton John’s house drinking their triple distilled Grey Goose and eating their macrobiotic wafer biscuits.  McConaughey probably rubbed his statue all night and took it back to his greasy lair.  Just guessing.  While I scraped myself up off the couch and hauled my responsible ass to bed on a school night. 

I wish every night was Oscars night. 

 

 

Image

You win this time, McConaughey.

 

 

 

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