The Five People You Hate on Facebook. Lesson One: Selfies

15 Jul

Inspired by the book ‘The 5 People You Meet in Heaven’ I have decided to put together my own little life-changing series based around social media.

Now, unlike aforementioned book, this particular blog series is not so uplifting and poignant, but rather a little more harsh and a little less heart-warming.  And I am aiming it at everyone who uses social media.  Because social media is pissing me off.  For realz. 

I chose Selfies as my first lesson of the day because this has been an issue that has long since troubled me.  Anyone who knows me in real life, regardless of capacity; workmate, close friend, beautician, relative, post man etc, should by now be well aware of my position on selfies. I do not enjoy.  Repeat:  DO. NOT. ENJOY.

(I should probs clarify here that I’m not referring to a random selfie once every six months when you get a haircut, so just stem your flow before you get all flustered and defensive.)  

No, I am specifically targeting the Excessive Selfie Taker.  The EST.  

We ALL know them.  We ALL see them.  Some are even likely to be really good friends of yours who you just cannot bring yourself to tell that their incessant selfie-taking is hurting your soul.  

With the invention of social media such as Facebook and Instagram, the popularity of the selfie skyrocketed like Amanda Bynes’ meds.  At first, we were all just loving ourselves sick online and really, just revelling in the newfound vanity of sharing self-portraits with people we’d never met.  But, a couple of years down the road, a number of EST’s noticed that people weren’t liking or commenting on their amazing selfies as much and realised that maybe it was just starting to get annoying……. Yuh huh.  

So, the new-age selfie started to emerge.  The new breed disguised as something less vain but still created for that very reason. And I believe I have narrowed it down to the top four categories:

1.  The Arty Selfie:  I blame Instagram for this.  Slapping on a Valencia filter and highlighting your lipstick colour with some fancy editing app I don’t know how to use and then hashtagging #red or #portrait does not make your photo any less selfie-like.  I can see straight through your bohemian, hipster facade, Van Gough.  That’s still your face.

2. The Weather Selfie:  For some unknown reason, people have started to become heavily influenced by the day’s forecast.  Like when it’s a really clear, bright day and, suddenly, all these selfies appear on your feed with the caption “Loving the sun today.”  Obviously not as much as your face.  Same goes for selfies taken on the first day of a new season i.e. ‘Autumn selfie.’  John Schluter would be ashamed.

3.  The Location Selfie:  This one’s been around a bit longer.  But it’s no less irritating.  Have you ever had a selfie appear in your feed with the caption, “OMG!  I’m in/at <insert exciting event/exotic location here>!” That’s a thinly disguised Location Selfie, my friend.  Look, I’m really happy you’ve made it to Yemen, but seriously, it’s still just your face.  You could be in your lounge room for all I know.  (I once had an Instagram friend post several selfies outside the Moulin Rouge.  The effing Moulin Rouge!  Maybe just…take a photo OF the Moulin Rouge?  Too outlandish?)

4.  The Gym Selfie:  Just like the hundreds of you who constantly complain about gym-related status updates, this is dedicated to the gym-related selfie.  I didn’t really care that you were at the gym to begin with, so a mid-session selfie isn’t really going to turn that boat around.  What’s really alarming is that, recently, gym selfies are morphing into half-naked gym selfies.  Men in their underwear at the gym are for Grindr only.  Word.


Please stop.  Just stop.  


Now, as any self-respecting vain bitch, I more than appreciate a smart selfie when you look in the mirror and everything is just working for you.  Like when it would be goddam criminal to deprive the world of your face today.  I’m picking up what you’re putting down, girlfriend.  And yes, I have taken them myself.

But daily selfies are just not OK.  Unless you’ve magically grown an extra head overnight.  Then I would probably pay to see that.

As a rule, I’ll allow one a month.  Maybe two.  That’s twenty-four a year.  That’s a lot.  Don’t worry EST’s, we won’t forget what you look like.  But we probably will like you a lot more than we did.

I’m sure you’re all v v attractive, but hang up those duck lips for the sake of humanity.



One Response to “The Five People You Hate on Facebook. Lesson One: Selfies”

  1. Jeremy July 15, 2013 at 11:03 am #

    I want to write something terrifyingly snarky. But I will not.
    You’re funny.

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