Gird your loins, man!
The time has come…for Bachelor Speedos to meet the parents of his four fav bitches. And, tbh, after last week’s slightly beige episode in a creepy amusement park with whatshername, I was practically salivating for this one.
BUT…
I nearly had a small heart attack at the beginning of this week’s ep because Tim was pictured on the beach IN A SHIRT! Correction, not just a shirt, but a jacket too! I got a little panicky, thinking maybe he’d had some sort of serious gym-related accident or maybe even Channel Ten had read my (and several others’) blogs and tried to class things up a bit? I mean, what was this madness!!??
Guys, it’s OK. I got a little too ahead of myself. It’s fine, he took the shirt off and was soon enough doing laps by the beach. THANK GOD. Deep breath…
Anyway, Tim once again started proceedings off by doing his weekly calculation of subtracting the amount of roses from the amount of girls left, (the answer’s one if you were worried), put his offensive clothing back on and headed off to Golburn to kick off his Mummas and the Pappas tour.
First stop, Anna.
Lemme just say straight up, Anna’s mum is a total fox, so already she’s got my vote. Tim was initially met with both Anna’s mother and two sassy sisters. Poor pet seemed extremely overwhelmed, although, I thought a room full of loud women was exactly what put a stripper at ease? No?
Eventually though, in walked Anna’s lawyer father, and, speaking of strippers, got right to the point and put the hard word on Tim about his v controversial, shirtless past. Which he TOTALLY DENIED! Dude, this guy is a lawyer! Anyone with wikipedia can look up pictures of you in leather chaps, but this man has files. You know how you go to work and put people in the recovery position? This guy goes to work and puts people IN JAIL! In fact, Mr Anna reminded me of the dad of a friend I knew from school who was a doctor and completely bloody terrifying. So, lying is never an option. But we wouldn’t have a show if the very first set of parentals were already barring their daughter from continuing on, so Tim escaped fairly unscathed and all was right with the world.
Next up, Rochelle. And again, Mrs Rochelle giving Mrs Anna a serious run for her money after telling her daughter she was making a shandy and using words like, “dishy.” I liked her. But the drama of this meeting was all hinging on Bach meeting Rochelle’s police sergeant father who had already done a background check on him and called his next of kin (most likely). So there was nowhere to hide those fluffy handcuffs!
BUT AGAIN! No bloody mention of it! What was going on here?! Were these people paid actors? Wouldn’t be surprising really, considering Rochelle is one of the best actresses I’ve seen on Australian television in a long time. My fav moment from her was when she confessed to mum she was afraid of being, “…exposed and vulnerable,” all the while wearing a v see-through chiffon shirt. Oh the subtext! But more der-ama struck at dinner time, when Tim noticed Rochelle had gone all quiet and reserved. Obviously he was very hurt by this behaviour and decided he would get right to the bottom of it as soon as possible. I mean, how COULD she?! In my opinion, she just looked bloody bored. And speaking of looking bored…
Enter Danni. My favourite part about Danni’s family date was her poignant reflection upon Tim arriving in her home town of the Gold Coast. (I freaking love that she is a GC girl. Don’t tell me it doesn’t explain a lot, am I right?!) Evidently she was looking forward to him visiting Currumbin as she’d…”spent a lot of time there.” Umm….considering it’s where you grew up, babe, you might be understating it a little. But I digress. We got to meet Mrs Danni, who didn’t receive any flowers from Tim, how very dare he! On the bright side, we got to understand where Danni’s impressive Resting Bitch Face comes from. Luckily for our Bach though, Mum still gave her blessing to the man dating four women and keeping her daughter locked up in an interior decorator’s worst nightmare. Winner!
BUT! Once again, Tim was getting that pesky vibe, the one where he feels like *insert bitch’s name here* isn’t quite, “opening up to him.” I wonder if he gets paid every time he says that? So Detective Bach took Danni outside to really get to the bottom of her clearly unacceptable attitude. And so started a very awkward non-conversation where Tim tried to use big words and Danni said, “yeah” a lot. Riveting. But that terrible anti-climax was remedied after the ad break when it was finally Ali’s turn. Saving the best til last, Channel Ten? Of course you are.
Doe-eyed Ali decided to take Timmy on a pre-parental date to a novelty German town in South Australia. Where she ate a gigantic kransky hot dog. Like seriously, it was huge. Look, I’m sure it had some fancy German name, but whatever Trevor, that shit was inappropriately phallic for someone wearing an all-white outfit, just saying. It was here, though, that Ali confessed her parents had never really approved of any men she had brought home before. Sigh. Is that because they weren’t real people?
Before Tim had said two bloody words to Ali’s parentals though, she was off with the tears. Good God, woman, calm yo self! Even your mum and dad think you’re cray. And speaking of which, Mr Ali was totally Lou Carpenter from Neighbours!* Another winner! The best bit, though, was Channel Ten giving us several teasers of Ali ‘revealing’ her true feelings to Bachelor Chin Stubble before the ad breaks. I posted on twitter that if she wasn’t going to tell him she was pregnant with his unborn child, I’d be bitterly disappointed. Unfortunately, I was and, surprise, surprise! She told him she loved him instead. Which she has been saying since the second episode. And then came the next totes awks moment since the infamous pash attempt from the series premiere….*Gasp* He couldn’t say “I love you” back to her! But Ali’s logical reaction of, “He didn’t say it to me in words, but he said it to me in chemistry,” really just demonstrated the point of this ridiculous show beautifully. Babe, if a guy don’t say I love you, there are no ‘buts’. True story. Must have been the sausage breath. Or maybe the crazy eyes. Hard to say.
Regardless, the rose ceremony was upon us once again, after Bachelor Body Trim had officially been given the tick of approval from all the bitches’ families. But he decided to punish both Rochelle and Danni for their bad behaviour by leaving them until last and making them really think about why they were there. Before putting them out of their misery, though, he ushered them (no, not Oshered, he was still in the mansion) outside to read them their last rights i.e. have them tell him how amazing he was. Rochelle pulled out the tears like a champ and she was home and hosed. Bye bye Danni. And twitter erupted with ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!’ type statements, proving, it seems, that Danni was officially the season’s resident biatch. Such a shame. I see a spin-off in the making for her.
And then there were three.
Join me next week, as I recap the Dates With No Time Limit i.e. dates with sex. My favourite type!
As we close in on the pointy end of the competition (no pun intended), I do have to say now I genuinely worry for Ali’s mental health. If she doesn’t win, the producers better have Dr Phil on standby or someone equally qualified to prevent a possible mass murder.
Until then.
*He wasn’t actually Lou Carpenter, which would have been amaze. But close enough, really.
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