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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: Dear (Total Girl) Diary…

23 Aug

Hoo boy… I feel as though I’m gonna be using that phrase on the reg this season.

 

First of all, I’m sorry, but there are some woman on this show who are already losing their Cotton On panties over a man they barely know. I mean, why am I so surprised? I’ve written about this bloody show since it’s first season, but there’s just….something about this lap around the track that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

It could just be the facial hair. Idk.

 

Okay so obviously the producers are straight up exploiting Cass’ distorted emotions for ratings and I hate to admit that I am here for it. They throw her a big ol’ bone by way of a single date card hint about “…paths crossing before,” but alas, they are referring to Nick’s possible second cousin Britt-Ann-Y.

Cass looks as crushed as I did the day I accidentally found out Santa Claus was most likely just my mum and dad with different hand-writing. She runs off to journal her feelings in her Total Girl diary.

Meanwhile, Britt-Ann-Y is invited to board Nick’s vessel which I wish was a funny euphemism I made up myself but it’s actually real words he yelled at her. Turns out Britt has got some serious sexy-eye problems and goes about this single date as if Bachie Badger is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, when really he’s explaining how to jam her foot in a hole.

#AussieRomance.

 

Mmm…footgolf…

 

 

Eventually they are in a pool and we get some of my favourite Pool Pashing meaning Britt is the lucky recipient of the First Real Pash (soz Romy). I gotta say, them curls of his in the water are both kind of hot but also remind me of a wet poodle so my lady parts are confused.

Luckily, there is no confusion on Cousin Britt’s side, and there’s some more pashing before she accepts a rose.

 

GROUP DATE

Sometimes I feel like once the lame photo shoot date in episode 2 is done, the producers literally stop giving a f*** about what they get the women to do the rest of the time. Case in point: this date.

It sucks.

Nothing really interesting happens but it seems to be sport based because Bachie Badger is full sport. Sport.

 

I don’t know sport but I’m almost positive this isn’t what it is.

 

Silver lining – Vanessa Sunshine wins the challenge and still doesn’t crack a smile and good God I love her. She’s the Kim Day to Nick’s Kel Knight and everyone in Australia is on board. Except maybe Nick but who gives a f*** what he wants. Probably sport though.

Ironically, during the ad breaks are the updates about the #LibSpill and can we just elect Vanessa Sunshine as new Prime Minister because I have a gut feeling she’d do a bang up job.

 

VS for PM 2018 

 

Meanwhile, Brooke, who still has the Sex Key in case you’d forgotten, is starting to sweat bullets because it’s been a whole 3 days and she hasn’t had a lot of time with Bachie Badger and I don’t wanna be mean about it, but honestly bebe, I was hoping you’d save that Sex Key for a time when he already had a girl in his house and you’d bust open the door ala Jim Carey in The Cable Guy and just make yourself at home slash maybe start a sex fight. (I don’t even know what a sex fight would be but it sounds entertaining.)

Urgh, she panic-uses the damn Sex Key and goes over first thing in the bloody morning for Bacon and Egg McMuffins and football. SNORE.

You’re killing me, Brooke. Although I like that you wore your pajamas because that is definitely a mood but don’t pretend you’re some “Cool Girl” because I can still see your bronzer and eyeshadow. I’m no fool.

They eventually play some sport and then pash because us viewers deserve that at least and we’re sick of watching sport things.

Good bye Sex Key. You were a bigger let-down than Britney’s 2010 Comeback Concert.

 

Good one, BROOKE. 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

FINALLY! Some interesting shit is happening by way of Bintang Cat and her bestie Romy just being meanies to everyone. Does anyone else kind of love the drama but then hate themselves for loving women being bitches? Asking for a friend.

HOLD UP.

Cass has appeared from behind a fake bush and SHE IS HOLDING HER DIARY COULD THIS BE REAL PLEASE OSHER MAKE IT REAL!

She and Nick sit down and already you can see his pupil’s are dilated to the max, ready for the attack. Cass is in full-blown Zero Chill Mode and I am so goddamn ready. She looks sweaty.

THE WOMAN IS READING FROM HER LITERAL DIARY ABOUT HOW SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AT FITNESS FIRST AND SOMETHING ABOUT A PRECIOUS MOMENT IN TIME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

 

Curse Total Girl magazine for giving out free diaries!

 

I definitely do feel like I can see the poor girl’s heart beating through her chest and maybe she’ll just start bleeding idk.

Guys, this is intense. Cass is just staring at him like I would imagine a giant crocodile would stare at you right before it ripped your small intestine out. #straya.

I just feel so sorry for this girl because they obviously boned one time and because she is a mere 23 she has caught the feels and written it all down in her diary and Nick is legit acting like every damn f***boi who sleeps with a girl once and then pretends he barely knows her and I’m kind of mad at Cass for perpetuating that myth that women fall in love with every penis they meet this is so frustrating.

But then the internet brought us this:

 

 

And once again we are all reminded why we are here.

Cass is definitely getting a rose but not because Nick likes her but because she is giving all the producers drama boners. She is too pure for this world.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Der-rama! Three whole women are going home tonight and honestly, Bachie Badger just looks relieved because spinning yarns with this many women makes for tiring work. But maybe also a very nice scarf.

Sadly for me he farewells Energy Healer Cayla as well as the Cayla who jumped in the pool. Lol. What a time to be alive that was.

Some other girl whose name I’ve forgotten is also let go but no one has any time to look her up on Ten Play because Non-Pool-Jumping Cayla is breaking protocol and asking Nick to step outside with her so they can talk. My God I hope she smudges his aura with her sage stick.

Close.

She basically just tells him about the Mean Girls group and how Cat, Romy and their other non-descript mate are big ol meanies.

Obviously, Bachie Badger ain’t well versed in lady talk so he just thanks her awkwardly and then throws her in a limo quicker than you can say, “rose quartz”.

 

Bye Cayla. I hope I find you again at the Mind Body Spirit Festival.

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: A Typical Aussie Honey Badger

16 Aug

Hoy boy, this season is going to be a cracker.

 

Hello, welcome back, put on your best footy jersey (lol I don’t own one of those) and get comfy.

 

It’s Bachie Season of the Honey Badger kind, and let me just say, this first episode was already more Aussie than Scotty Cam and Alf Stewart selling dollar snags at Bunnings.

 

Would be so proud.

 

Look, I know very little about this Nick Cummins/Honey Badger person and, to be frank, I’m not very willing or interested in researching him much further than the fact that he played football and has a pretty wide vocabulary of cooked expressions.

Oh and I can’t decide if I want to smoosh his weird face or punch it.

I’ll get back to you.

Bachie Badger has allegedly fallen in love twice (according to his Instagram, both times with offensively good looking women) but missed the goal posts thus far. He’s hoping that three times’ the charmer and I guess being the meat in a husband competition sandwich seems like the right way to go. (I’m sorry, I have no idea if that analogy made any sense.)

He’s very very Typical Aussie Bloke because he likes sport and shit and makes super ocker jokes all the time and calls women sheilas. Put him in an old Penguin shirt and some stubbies, and he could be any Queenslander’s drunk uncle.

 

Yeah! Sport!

 

Anyway, we don’t care about him we only care about the poor women who have been sitting in a limo full of cheap champagne for the last 5 hours.

 

Here are my favourites/ones to watch:

Shannon: First horse outta the stocks (is that how that goes?) Definitely wifey material because they did a whole big background thing on her and she rides a skateboard. SO COOL! She also laughs a lot and opens her mouth real wide so I feel like there might be some good groper fish-style jokes in the works for me. She’s a “Car Care Specialist” which I guess means she works at Repco??

Brooke: Also a definite wifey and because Channel 10 wanna make it super clear they don’t ONLY cast skinny white women, she makes a big point about being Indigenous. I’m here for her. Except when she carries not one, but two footballs out of the limo with her and then actually says to the camera that she’s really relieved Bachie, “likes sports” because that’s definitely not a thing that 90% of straight men like. They are obviously soulmates.

Carla: Energy Healer. Here for the entertainment value as opposed to the romance because her theme music was not dissimilar to when Lisa Simpson played the jug. Gives Bachie Badger a 2kg rose quartz crystal that has the blood of her enemies good energy in it. She is straight up loopy and I obviously love her. (Side note: apparently there is another Carla but this is the only one I care about).

Dark Haired Travel Lady: Legit have forgotten her name but she has dark hair and is super dooper travel. So much so, that Bachie proclaims it has made her suuuuuch a mature and interesting person after only meeting her for 60 seconds. They were also born in the same town around the same time so they might be related idk?

Cass: DER-RAMA! Cass has “history” with this Typical Aussie Bloke and freaks the funk out when she sees him. The Producers ask her if she’s okay and whether there was any romantic interaction in the past but she stays pretty coy about the whole thing. When she finally fronts up to Bachie Badger, he laughs awkwardly and yells, “Hello hello!” which means they definitely boned. Cass is only 23 and has terrible hair extensions and absolutely zero chill.

 

My horoscope in New Idea said this was going to happen.

 

Dasha: She’s Russian and good looking and I don’t know what else to really say about her except vodka, which she drinks at the cocktail party and because I use cheap jokes.

Cat: Cat is from Bali and actually lives in Bali you know where Bali is right? Yeah she’s from Bali. She’s sarcastic AF and will definitely be pinned as a villain.

Vanessa Sunshine: OK WAIT EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This woman introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine but…is her name hyphenated like Vanessa-Sunshine or is Sunshine her last name and she just really likes saying the whole thing? WHAT IS GOING ON WE MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!! I actually couldn’t concentrate because my brain was working harder than it has in weeks and I still don’t know how her name works but I can tell you she is definitely a villain and wouldn’t tell Bachie Badger where she was from because she wanted to remain mysterious. They must keep her.

 

IS IT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Okay guys, I’m not gonna waste your time here and bore you with the details because everyone gets drunk and needy as expected. All I need to say is that THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK THE SEX ROSE EXCEPT THIS TIME IT IS A SEX KEY I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

The sex key works the same as when your boyfriend dumps you but you secretly keep a spare key to his front door, meaning you can just roll up any funking time you feel like it. I mean, that’s what I imagine it’s the same as.

It’s a super cute little gold key with a heart on top but this is all a facade for the fact it is a straight up ticket to Bone Town.

Cass is obviously despo for the key and her eyes follow Bachie Badger around all night like the Mona Lisa except creepier because she can talk. And talk she does. About how she wrote Bachie’s name (is it Nick? I’ve forgotten) in her Total Girl diary before coming on this show and here he is it’s like a miracle! Obviously she has no qualms in explaining all of this to him and someone please swoop in and save the poor girl before she completely loses her damn mind.

Mystic Meg’s gonna pay for this.

 

But, you know, Bachie is a Typical Aussie Bloke so he doesn’t tell her he’s creeped out to her face, he just laughs awkwardly and does quick mental maths about how long before he can ghost her.

Oh, there’s also some der-rama about some girl called Sophie dating Cat’s ex-boyfriend because they’re both from Brisbane and I am also from Brisbane so I don’t like what is being insinuated here. Anyway, it’s not that exciting and is 100% fabricated by the production team; good attempt, guys.

One woman who I have never seen decides to be CRAAAAAYZAY and jumps into the pool but unfortunately, Bachie Badger is too busy sticking his snout in someone else’s dirt to notice, so she just kind of wallows about in the shallow end until the hair and make up lady gets mad and yanks her out.

Brooke gets the first rose AND THE SEX KEY because she is super into football and can pull off a one-shouldered cape like some sort of feminist Batman.

 

I am a football-loving woman. The city of Gotham needs me!

 

ROSE CEREMONY

You guys are bloody experts at this by now, so you don’t need me to tell you that all the nutcases and villains stay (yayyy!) and three women who got absolutely zero air time leave.

The last one to get a rose is Vanessa Sunshine so she is obviously getting paid back for trying to by mysterious because Typical Aussie Blokes don’t like that shit, mate.

 

And that’s about it, my friends! I’m not 100% sold on this Honey Badger person but I am looking forward to the challenge of coming up with terrible outback-inspired puns every week, so… there’s that.

Let’s hope this season goes off like a raw prawn!

 

The “Sunshine” is silent. 

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep ??: Everything Is Merging Into One And I Don’t Know What’s Happening

23 Apr

Sorry for going MIA last week, y’all. I tumbled into a never-ending pit of rehearsals, Codral and despair that not even my rage over straight-up queer baiting could pull me out of.

At first I thought I’d maybe missed a heap of der-rama and stuff, but, turns out I kind of…didn’t? Well, unless you count Simone quickly losing all senses of logic and yelling a lot… Oh, and Megan just kissing a long-haired Canadian dude and not Elora how dare you Channel 10 I am very mad about this.

It seems as though the shenanigans on Sex Island are becoming as monotonous as the 400 skinny, blonde women who live there. (Honestly, when they all stand next to each other, I couldn’t pick them from a line-up!)

 

#diversity.

 

The big news tonight is that Flo is coming back in, or, Cyclone Florence as they’ve tried to nickname her which doesn’t really work anymore because, based on the incredibly shit weather they seem to be getting, the cyclone has already made it’s way to the Fijian shore and the only person getting any sort of colour is still Jarrod.

Was there a little part of me that enjoyed watching Jake sweat through his flamingo tennis shorts about Flo coming back and calling out his f*** boi ways? Obviously. Was it as satisfying as I was hoping? Obviously not. (Also what I imagine having sex with Jake might be like, I mean…what?)

So Keira and Jarrod are now offish a couple because Keira forced Jarrod to say she was his girlfriend and part of me hates but also loves this couple because I honestly think they’ve been the biggest players on this whole season if the rumours about them already being a couple are true. Well played you two. Although, side note, I still believe the true love story on this show is that between Keira and her mango daiquiri but don’t tell Jarrod cos he’ll probably get heaps angry and I fear for his blood vessels.

 

A match made in television heaven.

 

Leah talks to American Jared about how him giving her his rose really meant something and that maybe they should become allies again so she doesn’t have to threaten to leave all the time, but AJ is just like, “Naaaaahhh…that was a pity rose because stupid Thomas got to Rachael first. Soz mate.”

Leah is very upset at this because how dare her back-up option give her a pity rose. Life is so unfair on Sex Island.

Flo has arrived by now and has said Jake’s name more times than Leah has said she’s going to leave and honestly I’m so glad I pre-chilled an entire bottle of rose.

Osher drops in looking far too smug for what he’s about to say, and delivers the news that Flo is the last person to come into Paradise, so, if they haven’t gotten themselves a bae yet, the odds are looking pretty damn slim. (Meanwhile Wais is still available and still the real MVP here so…jussayin).

This is all the motivation Leah needs to announce she’s DEFINITELY LEAVING this time and goes and packs her shoes in a plastic shopping bag like any regular 25-year old.

 

Everyone to Leah.

 

Poor American Jared barely sees her leave as he’s too busy walking forlornly down the beach in sandals, thinking about what happened at the Rose Ceremony with Thomas and Rachael. Tbh, as my housemate so deftly pointed out – the real problem here is that AJ wears sandals on the beach can someone do something about this?

The producers are still trying to f*** shit up, so they give ANOTHER date card to Thomas (I guess he did cry on a park bench last week) and my cold heart broke a little bit for American Jared. Honestly, FINALLY a woman shows genuine interest in him, and then the producers sweep in with a master plan to have her distracted by someone else. What is this vendetta against American Jared??! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

 

Australia suuuuuux.

Lucky for Thomas though I guess, who has now had more date cards in a week than Simone ever got in an entire show season lol.

Obviously Thomas picks Rachael who goes on a date with him to a putt-putt range in her bike shorts. Thomas calls them “yoga wear” but okay. They were definitely bike shorts, trust me.

Ummm…yeah they go on a date and Thomas is happy that there are cheese and crackers. He obviously doesn’t have too many troubles with dairy farts so good for him.

Rachael does say something mildly alarming about herself always wanting more in third person but Thomas isn’t too phased so good for him?

They pash. You can practically hear American Jared start crying into his Malibu pineapple.

NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE FORM OF TARA AND SAM!

Tara has finally received her own date card and immediately takes Sam because they are hopelessly in love and it’s the only reason anyone is still watching this show.

They dance for a bit and gush over each other and it’s beyond adorable and I am totally here for it. Even better, once they get to their random sex couch, Sam tells Tara he loves her and she says she loves him back and I think my cold, dead heart just skipped a beat!

 

True couple goals.

 

Honestly, I don’t even notice Sam’s hair anymore because I AM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH TARA. Everyone can just go home now because these two win everything.

Speaking of going home, Eden does just that. Basically it’s because he still thinks there’s a chance for him and Elora even though he pranked her with a fake letter and smooshed food into her face and she is just like, no, we are good friends, I am Apollo’s soulmate, didn’t you get the memo?

Eden looks disappointed at this news and then kinda just gets up and strolls on out with no goodbyes. Elora goes back and tells the group that he left because he wanted her to have a good time in Paradise and not hold her back and he was worried about her or something? Anyway, it’s all basically about Elora and not the true fact that the man wasn’t getting any puss so he’s out.

Side note: Keira calling out Elora for being supremely self-centred was the second best thing to happen all night she is a national treasure I swear to God.

See ya Eden. I don’t know how I feel about you anymore but maybe if I keep following you on Instagram I might make a decision.

 

Make good choices, bebe!

 

Ummm…I think that’s it.

No wait…Jake and Flo talk things out and in a weird way they bloody deserve each other I’m so bored of all of them.

Except Apollo – where was he tonight?

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 10: Bad Things Are Happening & Everyone is Over It (including me)

17 Apr

Sweet Jesus, will we ever get some respite from this punishing 4-nights-a-week schedule? Honestly I think this is a purposeful hate crime on behalf of Channel 10 who have gotten wise on us mean, self-indulgent bloggers and decided to make our lives a living hell.

 

 

Does that sound real or am I just being too self-obsessed now?

Once again, I’ll come clean and admit that I am still trying to have a life and rehearse for a show which means I have not watched the entire episode, but I don’t think that’s ever mattered to you guys. Which is exactly why I like you so much. #journalism.

So today I am mad.

Mad at Luke, mad at Eden, mad at Channel 10. Everyone has gone fkd up this week and it’s very upsetting.

First of all, Channel 10, queer baiting us with the promo for potential Megan/Elora hook ups, only to realise the closest they’re going to get to this is sitting on a sun lounge together talking about Apollo is so unfair. Not that I expected you to be at the forefront of celebrating bisexual relationships on television but still. Shame on you.

Second of all, Luke, I just think I expected better. I know Sex Island is pretty much a wannabe Instagram celebrity’s heaven on earth, and I get the decision between true love and free wine is a tough one, but come on mate. Eventually your brain has GOT to take over from your penis or you’ll end up dead from electrocution after trying to stick it in a vacuum cleaner.

And lastly…Eden. Babe. I was your number one fan and cheerleader. Heck, I even contemplated straight up adding you on Facebook like one of those strange, overly familiar fan girls (I didn’t in the end in case you were wondering). But you let me down, bro.

Anyway.

Tensions are pretty damn high on Sex Island considering everyone is just on a glorified Contiki tour. Michael’s balls are bluer than the Fijian ocean, Elora and Simone are still making pissy faces at each other and everyone else is just emotionally (and literally) drunk. Megan and Jake are discussing how rock solid they are and that it would really take someone super special to come between them…

WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! ANOTHER CANADIAN MAN WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE HAS ARRIVED TO MAYBE COME BETWEEN THEM!?

Thomas, looking every inch the internationally acclaimed model no one knows, strolls into Sex Island with the confidence of Warwick Capper walking down Cavill Ave. He manages to catch Megan’s eye and for a minute everyone’s thinking he might just have the man bun power to pull her away from Jake. Tbh, I don’t think she’s actually going to leave Jake but it was worth it just to see Jake’s arse cheeks sweat a little. (I mean, you don’t actually SEE the cheeks, but you know it’s happening).

 

At least I don’t talk through a straw.

 

Thomas asks everyone out on a date but literally no one wants to go with him. Like at all. This is worse than that time Megan went on a pity date with American Jared and now Thomas is crying and I don’t know what to do.

Michael is also very upset because he is getting no joy in to the sexy department and still feels super bad for giving Lisa his rose but also hopes that maybe Lisa secretly likes him back which is unlikely considering Lisa JUST told Luke that nothing can come between their love. Not even a pretend Socceroo. You also know she’s not interested in Michael because when he finds her to chat about his feelings, she sits the furtherest away from someone you physically can whilst still being able to hear them. But don’t worry guys, this is Logical Lisa. She lets him down gently and logically but it’s not enough for Michael who has decided to throw in the towel.

Yep, Michael has run out of ripped singlets and women and wants to go home. And then…he’s gone. No fanfare, no teary goodbyes, just…nothing. Look, I may not have flown the Michael flag or anything but even I think he deserved better.

BUT WAIT! Now Lisa wants to go and I can’t be sure whether she truly just wants to GTFO or whether the producers no longer see any worth in her and Luke now that the Michael-Lisa-Luke triangle is kaput. She casually asks Luke if he’s ready to leave and I’m not sure if she means the show or the padded beach bed they’re lying on, she’s so casual. But all of a sudden Luke is unsure of how much he’s willing to say goodbye to bottomless mimosas and just loses his shit really.

 

How will I live without my 10am daiquiri?!

 

He’s unsure if he can commit to this woman he’s spent the last three weeks falling in love with because what if he leaves paradise and some Amazonian goddess comes in and he misses his chance?! Luke isn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, but he does try to explain that he is more of a “slow burner” and things are moving so fast on this dating show he came into to find love and my eyes rolled so far back into my head I practically swallowed them. This is why over half the population is single and barren.

Lisa is all, “You don’t have to, no pressure,” but even I know this is exactly the opposite of what she means and he’d better bloody go with her.

 

Above: Lisa.

 

Okay they’re gone too now and no one really seems that upset or surprised. Fare thee well Lisa; you were too normal for this world.

(*UPDATE: Obviously, y’all know that there are now cheating rumours surrounding Luke on the outside and is anyone surprised, really?)

No time to waste because OBVIOUSLY Elora gets the next date card because we’re all here to just f*** shit up. OBVIOUSLY she takes Apollo because she has meditated and twirled her fire on it and the fire told her that she and Apollo were soul mates. Apollo doesn’t seem too convinced but that’s really none of his business if you ask Elora.

Monsoon season in Fiji is really becoming a problem because they are basically just sent to an undercover BBQ area at the back of the resort while it pisses down rain around them.

Elora presents her Apollo 4 Elora 4Eva slideshow and poor Apollo says he just wants to find someone to travel with which is literally every damn man on Tinder’s bio (srzly, if you have this on your profile delete it immediately because every funking person in Australia wants to travel and it does not make you interesting.) But I’ll forgive it of Apollo because abs. And magic tricks.

Nothing else really happens on their date apart from when they come back and everyone greets them like they’ve just returned from an epic journey around the world in a tiny sailboat.

Apollo goes straight to Simone who is at the bar like a regular person, talking about her many feelings to anyone who’ll listen. He actually tells her he missed her and f*** me how does she not just fall off her stool naked at that? Elora is verrrrrryyyy unhappy about this and goes to talk to some fire sticks about it.

It seems the Elora-Apollo romance is dead quicker than you can say, “you banged him on my couch!”

Meanwhile, Thomas is still the Ralph Wiggum of the island feeling super rejected and unsure of what he’s even doing here. As are we Thomas, as are we.

Jarrod, now a shade of red the colour spectrum has yet to incorporate, feels for the poor Canadian and organises a man date. Jarrod, Thomas, Sam and Apollo stroll along the beach by twilight, end up in a cramped milk bath in their undies and Sam puts on a Swedish accent and honestly how has Sam become the best person on television?! The bro date is most likely a ploy for producers to have Apollo shirtless again and I’m not mad about it.

 

Sorry, I’m lactose intolerant. 

 

In a final twist of der-rama, Elora discovers a letter on her pillow that is allegedly from American Jared. It’s all very SVU: Special Victims Unit with close-ups of the letter being unfolded and the unmistakable red flag of it being signed off as “American Jared.” So many twists and turns in this show, amiright?!

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Elora is quite taken with the gesture and decides that maybe she has real feelings for American Jared, a man she has barely spoken two words to, but we all know that, as Kesha once sang, “It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!”

Ali being Ali praises American Jared for being so sweet with his letter writing business and he is as suitably confused as a drunk foreigner on a dating show can be.

Now erryone is confused AF because it wasn’t American Jared and apparently we have found the key to a time machine and gone back to 1998 when prank letters were a thing in Science class.

Obviously the next logical culprit is Simone because, let’s face it, she’s been extremely sweaty and angry these past few days so that makes sense.

No wait, it’s not Simone either.

It was Eden and now I am so mad and disappointed I can’t feel my face anymore.

It appears that Eden is blue-balling so hard, his excess testosterone has bubbled up and into his brain and he’s lost his damn mind. That, or he just wanted to f*** shit up before his inevitable exit tonight. Whichever mate, but not cool.

YOU’VE MADE ME LOOK THE FOOL, YO! HOW COULD YOU?! I’m going to have to go speak to a box of Shapes about this.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

I’ve fallen into a pit of despair at my apparently terrible judgement of men and kinda miss the whole thing.

Oh, except for the part where Elora gives her funking rose to Eden because she still thinks he deserves to find love gurl what you planning either you’re the most forgiving person in the damn South Pacific, or you got some revenge idea so bad and I’m almost hoping it’s the second one.

Everyone is f***ing shook, including Eden, who looks pretty damn afraid as he should.

 

Eden, you in danger, boi.

 

Poor Canadian Thomas is off the island before he even had a chance to break out the Banana Boat 30+.

 

My nose is dripping like a tap and I need to take a nap. That’s a wrap.

(That was also a rap.)

(Sorry I’m delirious.)

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 9: Enter The Apollocalypse

16 Apr

Honestly, what is the point of dilly dallying about and introducing this post in some sort of sarcastic way when Apollo is arriving and everyone is frothy AF. Me included.

Obviously, everyone is losing their goddamn minds about it, including Osher, who is trying really hard to pretend that the recent drama wasn’t completely set up by the producers of the show. Everyone is also sitting around talking about how unexpected and shocking last week’s episode was and they definitely had no idea what was going to happen and absolutely no one told them what to do definitely not it was a total surprise.

 

I am definitely crying real tears, kay?

 

Not ones to bow to peer pressure to make juicy television, Logical Luke and Lisa work out their pretend couple drama like regular people and that’s pretty much all the air time they’re going to get today.

My boyfriend Eden gets the single date card and straight up invites Elora who accepted his rose last week, but Elora is not so keen on going out with our boy Eden for an hour or two in case Apollo magically shows up lol as if that’s really going to happen what are the odds…oh wait. HERE HE FUNKING IS ELORA IS GOING TO BE SOOOO MAD.

Apollo is here guys and he’s wearing a delightful lobster shirt and honestly he is too pure for this world. His adorable hug with Luke nearly made me feel things I didn’t think I was still capable of.

Poor Apollo is worried that he’s come in quite late and that everyone will already be coupled up, which is super sweet, but what he doesn’t know is that every damn woman on this island would crawl over her current man’s rat-infested dead body just to get within a 3 inch radius of him. But bless him for being so modest.

Meanwhile, over on television’s most awkward date, Eden and Elora have just been given boogie boards, a sand dune and no supervision and are trying to figure out how to board down without a) killing themselves or b) getting a whole tonne of sand up in their bits.

Elora has come in her active wear because she wants to make a statement that she’s not really into Eden at all even though she accepted his rose and accepted the fact that he wanted to get to know her better and now that’s what he’s trying to do but how dare he try that on and even more how dare he take her away from a potential Apollo landing?!

Look, it is super awkward to watch and I hate myself a little bit for sticking up for a dude that I don’t even know, but honestly, the man is so desperate for a pash with someone you can see it written all over his poor little face.

He still wants to make the date super memorable, so if there’s not going to be a kiss, he decides to start a food fight with a woman who is already pretty keen to just go the f*** home.

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo!

 

You know what else would make a date with a woman super memorable guys? JUST RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES WHEN SHE TELLS YOU THEM WITH A SIMPLE THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT AND THEN GOING HOME LIKE A REGULAR PERSON.

Sigh. Eden, babe, you’ve hit real a low point here and I’m really gonna need to you to reign it in and go back to being the rad, respectful puppy dog we all know and love.

Let’s pretend that date didn’t happen.

Back on Sex Island, Keira and her mango daiquiri have taken the first opportunity to chat/flirt with Apollo and it’s not going well. I think perhaps Jarrod has had permanent effect on Keira’s interpersonal skills or maybe she’s just shit faced, I can’t be sure. Regardless, she’s willing to kiss him for Australia even though he’s too young for her (i.e. not interested in her) and it’s times like these I remember why we need her.

 

Not all heroes wear capes.

 

On the other hand, he does hit it off with Simone which signals the beginning of  a v complicated and messy love triangle/situation that probably isn’t really that messy at all but this is how I THINK it all goes down:

Simone and Elora are friends in the real world.

Elora told Simone she was literally going on BIP for the sole purpose of meeting Apollo which goes for basically everyone, but okay.

Apparently some other Bachie dude met the two of them at a club  a while back and flirted with Simone even though Elora liked him and now there is some weird man-tension between them? Are you bored of this already?

Now Apollo has met Simone while Elora was off trying to get sand out of her undies with Eden, and Apollo has asked Simone on a single date and she is going to go because she’s not a funking idiot.

(Also Simone spent an entire season without any dates, now she’s been asked on two dates in three days and I think this is what they call just desserts.)

Elora returns from her date with Eden and literally cries, “Oh my God, it’s Apollo!” while still walking next to the man who JUST took her on a date.

She also complains to everyone that Eden is too much but then gives an impromptu TedX talk about Apollo and why he is so great and she’s never actually met him properly. I mean, okay.

She goes and speaks to Simone to forgive her for talking to Apollo while she was not there, but then Simone tells her he actually asked her out on a date and honest to God I think I just saw a capillary pop in Elora’s eyeball.

Simone reassures Elora it’s okay because she kinda told Apollo that Elora likes him and Elora is her friend so she feels bad, but Elora does not like this news and shit is going to go DOWN.

Apollo takes Simone on their date and they go kayaking and fall into the water a lot which I would definitely not be mad about if it meant Apollo had to haul my half-naked ass back on to the kayak with his beautiful bare hands.

 

Hahaha your abs are hilarious!

 

Simone laughs at literally everything Apollo says and I guess that’s fine but then he goes and tells her he is ready to settle down and find someone he can create a story with and he really needs to be careful about using phrases like that because I’m pretty sure half of Australia is pregnant with his babies now.

They get back from their date and Elora wastes no time in asking if they talked about her. You did not read that wrong. This is where we are now.

 

 

Simone is also mad and shitty now and they just kind of talk over each other for a bit and look really pissy about it.

Simone talks to Ali and Michael about the whole situation because now she is mad that Elora is mad and how dare Elora still want to pursue Apollo now that SHE has gone on a date with him some friend she was. Grant is also there but he is napping and I am jealous.

Michael calls Simone all levels of crazy and now he and I are fighting. (Srzly, don’t do that man.)

Simone and Elora fight again over those rumors about the other Bachie dude they went drinking with (I would bet as to who it was but I’ve forgotten all of their names now). Elora wants to talk about this problem with Apollo and how they’re going to share him, but Simone is too sunburnt and high from being close to Apollo all day that she can’t talk.

Meanwhile, I’d like to know what Wais has got to say about all this!

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo.

 

Thus concludes the Elora-Apollo-Simone love triangle for tonight and guys, remember when Jarrod thought he was in a love triangle? Lol.

 

Speaking of Jarrod – guess what? He’s decided that now that Simone has gone on a date with Apollo, he is definitely not interested in her anymore and is definitely in love with Keira again and this has nothing to do with getting a rose.

Sweet Jesus, will it ever end?

I guess because they don’t want to miss out on air time and being included in some of the der-rama, Keira goes along with it and Jarrod takes her to some rock on the beach where he has set up a picnic for them and SRZLY WHAT IS THE FUNKING POINT OF THE SINGLE DATE CARDS WHEN THE CONTESTANTS CAN ACTUALLY JUST DO THIS THEMSELVES?!

Jarrod says something about deciding to dedicate his life to Keira now? I’m not 100% sure if I heard correctly over the Grain Waves I was eating. And also I don’t care anymore.

They kiss and it looks like this train wreck is back on track.

 

Is that sunscreen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

 

 

Oh… Sam built Tara a bamboo hut and told her she makes him pee. And they say romance is ded.

 

Just a gif I stole from Punkee of Apollo’s abs because…

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 3: The Stage 5 Clingers Have Landed

3 Apr

Far out, guys; this is becoming more and more like the Sex Hunger Games every day, because they are just throwing new people in left, right and centre!

But despite this, I’m starting to get a sinking feeling that every single episode is going to be virtually the same and, let me tell you, that shit is going to get old faster than you can say Malibu & pineapple.

So it’s the day after the Rose Ceremony and everyone is doing what they do best and chilling by the pool with a bevvy, talking about the Rose Ceremony.

Normal Lisa makes an eagle-eyed observation that it’s barely 10 in the morning and already the dudes have backed riiiiight off, which is probably just due to stress relief and definitely not to do with the fact that they are playing a game with each other’s feelings.

I forget how, but somehow Keira ends up talking to Michael and he explains she’s going to give him a “tar-ott” reading with her angel cards. I love me some wu-wu shit and was looking forward to witnessing an in-depth look into Michael’s abs aura. Unfortunately, they’re somewhat interrupted by the fact that Keira has just scored herself a date card and, considering her now deep spiritual connection with the man who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team, she decides to take Michael to get to know him better.

And also because the poor girl can’t be stuck with Uncle Sam all the time, no judgement babe.

Their date is kind of like the time in primary school when I told a boy in my class that I liked him and then he told me he really liked my friend and so I went home and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

 

HAHA nah it’s cool if you wanna talk about Tara this whole time HAHAHAHAHA

 

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen for Michael and Keira.

But no matter, because Jarrod’s here and he is READY FOR THE WOMEN HE EVEN GREW STUBBLE.

I mean, bless him, he tries so hard to be super smooth and make an impression straight away, asking Lisa to show him around and then Laurina if she’d like to chat, but these women are waaaaayyy too wise on his past behaviour and not-so-subtly keep a safe distance.

Meanwhile, Tara is doing a bang-up job of pretending that she doesn’t care that Michael went on a date with Keira without asking her and honestly it’s no big deal just would have been nice to check and seriously I’m not mad about it I wonder if they’re having a terrible time because that would be kind of funny not to be mean but honestly like I said we haven’t kissed or anything so I don’t mind does anyone know the combination to Keira’s tiki hut?

This is kind of like the time in primary school when the boy I liked took my friend to the movies instead of me and I told everyone it was totally fine but then I didn’t speak to her for a week and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

Except the difference here is that Michael actually does spend the entire date saying super romantic things to Keira…about Tara. He even brings back his grass helmet for her as a memento of his date with another woman. Cuuuuuuute.

But by this time, Tara has already commiserated with Uncle Sam and it turns out they might have chemistry and guys I’m super worried because Tara is way too good for Sam and his follicle ecosystem, not that Michael is that much better, but I guess at least he’s seen his hairdresser in the last 12 months and doesn’t stare at women’s boobs all the time.

Honestly, we need to do something about this.

 

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

 

Tara is cold as ice on Michael’s return and for a minute there I genuinely felt quite sorry for him but then I remembered who the f*** I was and what the f*** I was watching and my feelings went away.

Anyway.

Enter Ali.

You may remember Ali as the Stage 5 Clinger from the very first season of Bachie where she spent a lot of time being wide-eyed and slack-jawed over Bachie Hair Gel, Tim Robards. Well, in the 5 years since then, she’s met another guy, gotten engaged and then ended the engagement and now she’s entered the Sex Hunger Games in the hope of finding a genuine man to marry. Good to see her expectations are more realistic these days.

Look, the thing is she IS very good looking and I kind of couldn’t blame the guys for straight up just staring at her like when Scooby-Doo sees a box of Scooby Snacks.

 

Pictured: All the dudes on Bachelor in Paradise 

 

Jake is frothing over her and Florence is piiiiiiissed. Honestly Flo, I don’t know what you expected from this Gold Coast F*** Boi! In fact, watching Flo be super cold and bitchy to Ali was difficult; it’s not her fault the guy you said you couldn’t trust finds her attractive and will probably try to get in her pants. That’s just basic maths.

 

You mean…there aren’t any genuinely decent men on this Sex Island?

 

Anyhoo, it all gets a bit confusing now but basically Jarrod’s hyperhydrosis is in over drive over Ali, but then Keira arrives back from her date with Michael and she is OVERJOYED that Jarrod is here which is kind of cute and then they start chatting and you can tell Keira really likes him because she compliments him on being really tanned when really he’s just sunburnt AF.

And then because he has spoken to two blonde women Jarrod thinks he’s in a love triangle.

 

 

Bless.

Finally, to really get the der-rama ramped up for the evening, the third person is being let into the Sex Compound by Osher and it’s none other than Megan Marx, the bisexual queen who dumped Richie and ran off with another contestant.

She’s hoping Jake and/or Ellora are here as she’s “been chatting,” to both of them and honestly, does Jake EVER get off Instagram DMs?? His mobile data must be through the roof, just quietly.

Osher tells her she has the power to take someone on a date but instead of just letting her pick someone like a regular grown ass woman, they sit her down and make her pick from a menu of characteristics that could belong to anyone on the island because #bisexual.

But because the producers are literally here to just f*** with everyone, they pretend she’s “picked” Jake but actually, that can’t be true because she said she didn’t like people who were too motivated and if Jake’s constant need to auction himself off on social media isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.

No, this is just to f*** with Flo.

And it works because her European Rage factor goes to 11 and I’m scared about what might happen to Megan when she actually arrives.

Megan and Jake have a romantic date on the entrance steps to the compound and then Jake asks Megan to go sit on the comfortable couch conveniently placed behind them and then proceeds to do super f*** boi things like tease her for not liking him as much as he likes her and brushing imaginary stray hairs out of her face.

Honestly, I really hope this is another set up for Megan to dump some dude’s ass for a better woman. i.e. Ellora.

They walk back to the Sex Compound but not before Jake plants one big dirty pash on her before Florence can get wise and it kind of reminds me of that time in primary school when the boy I liked kissed another girl behind the exit door at a Blue Light Disco but I totally saw it and then write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

 

Pictured: Me after every time I wrote in my Total Girl diary.

 

Okay I think that’s everything.

Stay tuned for what is sure to be an epic love triangle in Jarrod’s head.