Tag Archives: channel ten

The Bachelor Season 6 recap: A Typical Aussie Honey Badger

16 Aug

Hoy boy, this season is going to be a cracker.

 

Hello, welcome back, put on your best footy jersey (lol I don’t own one of those) and get comfy.

 

It’s Bachie Season of the Honey Badger kind, and let me just say, this first episode was already more Aussie than Scotty Cam and Alf Stewart selling dollar snags at Bunnings.

 

Would be so proud.

 

Look, I know very little about this Nick Cummins/Honey Badger person and, to be frank, I’m not very willing or interested in researching him much further than the fact that he played football and has a pretty wide vocabulary of cooked expressions.

Oh and I can’t decide if I want to smoosh his weird face or punch it.

I’ll get back to you.

Bachie Badger has allegedly fallen in love twice (according to his Instagram, both times with offensively good looking women) but missed the goal posts thus far. He’s hoping that three times’ the charmer and I guess being the meat in a husband competition sandwich seems like the right way to go. (I’m sorry, I have no idea if that analogy made any sense.)

He’s very very Typical Aussie Bloke because he likes sport and shit and makes super ocker jokes all the time and calls women sheilas. Put him in an old Penguin shirt and some stubbies, and he could be any Queenslander’s drunk uncle.

 

Yeah! Sport!

 

Anyway, we don’t care about him we only care about the poor women who have been sitting in a limo full of cheap champagne for the last 5 hours.

 

Here are my favourites/ones to watch:

Shannon: First horse outta the stocks (is that how that goes?) Definitely wifey material because they did a whole big background thing on her and she rides a skateboard. SO COOL! She also laughs a lot and opens her mouth real wide so I feel like there might be some good groper fish-style jokes in the works for me. She’s a “Car Care Specialist” which I guess means she works at Repco??

Brooke: Also a definite wifey and because Channel 10 wanna make it super clear they don’t ONLY cast skinny white women, she makes a big point about being Indigenous. I’m here for her. Except when she carries not one, but two footballs out of the limo with her and then actually says to the camera that she’s really relieved Bachie, “likes sports” because that’s definitely not a thing that 90% of straight men like. They are obviously soulmates.

Carla: Energy Healer. Here for the entertainment value as opposed to the romance because her theme music was not dissimilar to when Lisa Simpson played the jug. Gives Bachie Badger a 2kg rose quartz crystal that has the blood of her enemies good energy in it. She is straight up loopy and I obviously love her. (Side note: apparently there is another Carla but this is the only one I care about).

Dark Haired Travel Lady: Legit have forgotten her name but she has dark hair and is super dooper travel. So much so, that Bachie proclaims it has made her suuuuuch a mature and interesting person after only meeting her for 60 seconds. They were also born in the same town around the same time so they might be related idk?

Cass: DER-RAMA! Cass has “history” with this Typical Aussie Bloke and freaks the funk out when she sees him. The Producers ask her if she’s okay and whether there was any romantic interaction in the past but she stays pretty coy about the whole thing. When she finally fronts up to Bachie Badger, he laughs awkwardly and yells, “Hello hello!” which means they definitely boned. Cass is only 23 and has terrible hair extensions and absolutely zero chill.

 

My horoscope in New Idea said this was going to happen.

 

Dasha: She’s Russian and good looking and I don’t know what else to really say about her except vodka, which she drinks at the cocktail party and because I use cheap jokes.

Cat: Cat is from Bali and actually lives in Bali you know where Bali is right? Yeah she’s from Bali. She’s sarcastic AF and will definitely be pinned as a villain.

Vanessa Sunshine: OK WAIT EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This woman introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine but…is her name hyphenated like Vanessa-Sunshine or is Sunshine her last name and she just really likes saying the whole thing? WHAT IS GOING ON WE MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!! I actually couldn’t concentrate because my brain was working harder than it has in weeks and I still don’t know how her name works but I can tell you she is definitely a villain and wouldn’t tell Bachie Badger where she was from because she wanted to remain mysterious. They must keep her.

 

IS IT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Okay guys, I’m not gonna waste your time here and bore you with the details because everyone gets drunk and needy as expected. All I need to say is that THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK THE SEX ROSE EXCEPT THIS TIME IT IS A SEX KEY I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

The sex key works the same as when your boyfriend dumps you but you secretly keep a spare key to his front door, meaning you can just roll up any funking time you feel like it. I mean, that’s what I imagine it’s the same as.

It’s a super cute little gold key with a heart on top but this is all a facade for the fact it is a straight up ticket to Bone Town.

Cass is obviously despo for the key and her eyes follow Bachie Badger around all night like the Mona Lisa except creepier because she can talk. And talk she does. About how she wrote Bachie’s name (is it Nick? I’ve forgotten) in her Total Girl diary before coming on this show and here he is it’s like a miracle! Obviously she has no qualms in explaining all of this to him and someone please swoop in and save the poor girl before she completely loses her damn mind.

Mystic Meg’s gonna pay for this.

 

But, you know, Bachie is a Typical Aussie Bloke so he doesn’t tell her he’s creeped out to her face, he just laughs awkwardly and does quick mental maths about how long before he can ghost her.

Oh, there’s also some der-rama about some girl called Sophie dating Cat’s ex-boyfriend because they’re both from Brisbane and I am also from Brisbane so I don’t like what is being insinuated here. Anyway, it’s not that exciting and is 100% fabricated by the production team; good attempt, guys.

One woman who I have never seen decides to be CRAAAAAYZAY and jumps into the pool but unfortunately, Bachie Badger is too busy sticking his snout in someone else’s dirt to notice, so she just kind of wallows about in the shallow end until the hair and make up lady gets mad and yanks her out.

Brooke gets the first rose AND THE SEX KEY because she is super into football and can pull off a one-shouldered cape like some sort of feminist Batman.

 

I am a football-loving woman. The city of Gotham needs me!

 

ROSE CEREMONY

You guys are bloody experts at this by now, so you don’t need me to tell you that all the nutcases and villains stay (yayyy!) and three women who got absolutely zero air time leave.

The last one to get a rose is Vanessa Sunshine so she is obviously getting paid back for trying to by mysterious because Typical Aussie Blokes don’t like that shit, mate.

 

And that’s about it, my friends! I’m not 100% sold on this Honey Badger person but I am looking forward to the challenge of coming up with terrible outback-inspired puns every week, so… there’s that.

Let’s hope this season goes off like a raw prawn!

 

The “Sunshine” is silent. 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bachelor In Paradise Ep ??: Everything Is Merging Into One And I Don’t Know What’s Happening

23 Apr

Sorry for going MIA last week, y’all. I tumbled into a never-ending pit of rehearsals, Codral and despair that not even my rage over straight-up queer baiting could pull me out of.

At first I thought I’d maybe missed a heap of der-rama and stuff, but, turns out I kind of…didn’t? Well, unless you count Simone quickly losing all senses of logic and yelling a lot… Oh, and Megan just kissing a long-haired Canadian dude and not Elora how dare you Channel 10 I am very mad about this.

It seems as though the shenanigans on Sex Island are becoming as monotonous as the 400 skinny, blonde women who live there. (Honestly, when they all stand next to each other, I couldn’t pick them from a line-up!)

 

#diversity.

 

The big news tonight is that Flo is coming back in, or, Cyclone Florence as they’ve tried to nickname her which doesn’t really work anymore because, based on the incredibly shit weather they seem to be getting, the cyclone has already made it’s way to the Fijian shore and the only person getting any sort of colour is still Jarrod.

Was there a little part of me that enjoyed watching Jake sweat through his flamingo tennis shorts about Flo coming back and calling out his f*** boi ways? Obviously. Was it as satisfying as I was hoping? Obviously not. (Also what I imagine having sex with Jake might be like, I mean…what?)

So Keira and Jarrod are now offish a couple because Keira forced Jarrod to say she was his girlfriend and part of me hates but also loves this couple because I honestly think they’ve been the biggest players on this whole season if the rumours about them already being a couple are true. Well played you two. Although, side note, I still believe the true love story on this show is that between Keira and her mango daiquiri but don’t tell Jarrod cos he’ll probably get heaps angry and I fear for his blood vessels.

 

A match made in television heaven.

 

Leah talks to American Jared about how him giving her his rose really meant something and that maybe they should become allies again so she doesn’t have to threaten to leave all the time, but AJ is just like, “Naaaaahhh…that was a pity rose because stupid Thomas got to Rachael first. Soz mate.”

Leah is very upset at this because how dare her back-up option give her a pity rose. Life is so unfair on Sex Island.

Flo has arrived by now and has said Jake’s name more times than Leah has said she’s going to leave and honestly I’m so glad I pre-chilled an entire bottle of rose.

Osher drops in looking far too smug for what he’s about to say, and delivers the news that Flo is the last person to come into Paradise, so, if they haven’t gotten themselves a bae yet, the odds are looking pretty damn slim. (Meanwhile Wais is still available and still the real MVP here so…jussayin).

This is all the motivation Leah needs to announce she’s DEFINITELY LEAVING this time and goes and packs her shoes in a plastic shopping bag like any regular 25-year old.

 

Everyone to Leah.

 

Poor American Jared barely sees her leave as he’s too busy walking forlornly down the beach in sandals, thinking about what happened at the Rose Ceremony with Thomas and Rachael. Tbh, as my housemate so deftly pointed out – the real problem here is that AJ wears sandals on the beach can someone do something about this?

The producers are still trying to f*** shit up, so they give ANOTHER date card to Thomas (I guess he did cry on a park bench last week) and my cold heart broke a little bit for American Jared. Honestly, FINALLY a woman shows genuine interest in him, and then the producers sweep in with a master plan to have her distracted by someone else. What is this vendetta against American Jared??! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

 

Australia suuuuuux.

Lucky for Thomas though I guess, who has now had more date cards in a week than Simone ever got in an entire show season lol.

Obviously Thomas picks Rachael who goes on a date with him to a putt-putt range in her bike shorts. Thomas calls them “yoga wear” but okay. They were definitely bike shorts, trust me.

Ummm…yeah they go on a date and Thomas is happy that there are cheese and crackers. He obviously doesn’t have too many troubles with dairy farts so good for him.

Rachael does say something mildly alarming about herself always wanting more in third person but Thomas isn’t too phased so good for him?

They pash. You can practically hear American Jared start crying into his Malibu pineapple.

NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE FORM OF TARA AND SAM!

Tara has finally received her own date card and immediately takes Sam because they are hopelessly in love and it’s the only reason anyone is still watching this show.

They dance for a bit and gush over each other and it’s beyond adorable and I am totally here for it. Even better, once they get to their random sex couch, Sam tells Tara he loves her and she says she loves him back and I think my cold, dead heart just skipped a beat!

 

True couple goals.

 

Honestly, I don’t even notice Sam’s hair anymore because I AM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH TARA. Everyone can just go home now because these two win everything.

Speaking of going home, Eden does just that. Basically it’s because he still thinks there’s a chance for him and Elora even though he pranked her with a fake letter and smooshed food into her face and she is just like, no, we are good friends, I am Apollo’s soulmate, didn’t you get the memo?

Eden looks disappointed at this news and then kinda just gets up and strolls on out with no goodbyes. Elora goes back and tells the group that he left because he wanted her to have a good time in Paradise and not hold her back and he was worried about her or something? Anyway, it’s all basically about Elora and not the true fact that the man wasn’t getting any puss so he’s out.

Side note: Keira calling out Elora for being supremely self-centred was the second best thing to happen all night she is a national treasure I swear to God.

See ya Eden. I don’t know how I feel about you anymore but maybe if I keep following you on Instagram I might make a decision.

 

Make good choices, bebe!

 

Ummm…I think that’s it.

No wait…Jake and Flo talk things out and in a weird way they bloody deserve each other I’m so bored of all of them.

Except Apollo – where was he tonight?

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 10: Bad Things Are Happening & Everyone is Over It (including me)

17 Apr

Sweet Jesus, will we ever get some respite from this punishing 4-nights-a-week schedule? Honestly I think this is a purposeful hate crime on behalf of Channel 10 who have gotten wise on us mean, self-indulgent bloggers and decided to make our lives a living hell.

 

 

Does that sound real or am I just being too self-obsessed now?

Once again, I’ll come clean and admit that I am still trying to have a life and rehearse for a show which means I have not watched the entire episode, but I don’t think that’s ever mattered to you guys. Which is exactly why I like you so much. #journalism.

So today I am mad.

Mad at Luke, mad at Eden, mad at Channel 10. Everyone has gone fkd up this week and it’s very upsetting.

First of all, Channel 10, queer baiting us with the promo for potential Megan/Elora hook ups, only to realise the closest they’re going to get to this is sitting on a sun lounge together talking about Apollo is so unfair. Not that I expected you to be at the forefront of celebrating bisexual relationships on television but still. Shame on you.

Second of all, Luke, I just think I expected better. I know Sex Island is pretty much a wannabe Instagram celebrity’s heaven on earth, and I get the decision between true love and free wine is a tough one, but come on mate. Eventually your brain has GOT to take over from your penis or you’ll end up dead from electrocution after trying to stick it in a vacuum cleaner.

And lastly…Eden. Babe. I was your number one fan and cheerleader. Heck, I even contemplated straight up adding you on Facebook like one of those strange, overly familiar fan girls (I didn’t in the end in case you were wondering). But you let me down, bro.

Anyway.

Tensions are pretty damn high on Sex Island considering everyone is just on a glorified Contiki tour. Michael’s balls are bluer than the Fijian ocean, Elora and Simone are still making pissy faces at each other and everyone else is just emotionally (and literally) drunk. Megan and Jake are discussing how rock solid they are and that it would really take someone super special to come between them…

WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! ANOTHER CANADIAN MAN WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE HAS ARRIVED TO MAYBE COME BETWEEN THEM!?

Thomas, looking every inch the internationally acclaimed model no one knows, strolls into Sex Island with the confidence of Warwick Capper walking down Cavill Ave. He manages to catch Megan’s eye and for a minute everyone’s thinking he might just have the man bun power to pull her away from Jake. Tbh, I don’t think she’s actually going to leave Jake but it was worth it just to see Jake’s arse cheeks sweat a little. (I mean, you don’t actually SEE the cheeks, but you know it’s happening).

 

At least I don’t talk through a straw.

 

Thomas asks everyone out on a date but literally no one wants to go with him. Like at all. This is worse than that time Megan went on a pity date with American Jared and now Thomas is crying and I don’t know what to do.

Michael is also very upset because he is getting no joy in to the sexy department and still feels super bad for giving Lisa his rose but also hopes that maybe Lisa secretly likes him back which is unlikely considering Lisa JUST told Luke that nothing can come between their love. Not even a pretend Socceroo. You also know she’s not interested in Michael because when he finds her to chat about his feelings, she sits the furtherest away from someone you physically can whilst still being able to hear them. But don’t worry guys, this is Logical Lisa. She lets him down gently and logically but it’s not enough for Michael who has decided to throw in the towel.

Yep, Michael has run out of ripped singlets and women and wants to go home. And then…he’s gone. No fanfare, no teary goodbyes, just…nothing. Look, I may not have flown the Michael flag or anything but even I think he deserved better.

BUT WAIT! Now Lisa wants to go and I can’t be sure whether she truly just wants to GTFO or whether the producers no longer see any worth in her and Luke now that the Michael-Lisa-Luke triangle is kaput. She casually asks Luke if he’s ready to leave and I’m not sure if she means the show or the padded beach bed they’re lying on, she’s so casual. But all of a sudden Luke is unsure of how much he’s willing to say goodbye to bottomless mimosas and just loses his shit really.

 

How will I live without my 10am daiquiri?!

 

He’s unsure if he can commit to this woman he’s spent the last three weeks falling in love with because what if he leaves paradise and some Amazonian goddess comes in and he misses his chance?! Luke isn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, but he does try to explain that he is more of a “slow burner” and things are moving so fast on this dating show he came into to find love and my eyes rolled so far back into my head I practically swallowed them. This is why over half the population is single and barren.

Lisa is all, “You don’t have to, no pressure,” but even I know this is exactly the opposite of what she means and he’d better bloody go with her.

 

Above: Lisa.

 

Okay they’re gone too now and no one really seems that upset or surprised. Fare thee well Lisa; you were too normal for this world.

(*UPDATE: Obviously, y’all know that there are now cheating rumours surrounding Luke on the outside and is anyone surprised, really?)

No time to waste because OBVIOUSLY Elora gets the next date card because we’re all here to just f*** shit up. OBVIOUSLY she takes Apollo because she has meditated and twirled her fire on it and the fire told her that she and Apollo were soul mates. Apollo doesn’t seem too convinced but that’s really none of his business if you ask Elora.

Monsoon season in Fiji is really becoming a problem because they are basically just sent to an undercover BBQ area at the back of the resort while it pisses down rain around them.

Elora presents her Apollo 4 Elora 4Eva slideshow and poor Apollo says he just wants to find someone to travel with which is literally every damn man on Tinder’s bio (srzly, if you have this on your profile delete it immediately because every funking person in Australia wants to travel and it does not make you interesting.) But I’ll forgive it of Apollo because abs. And magic tricks.

Nothing else really happens on their date apart from when they come back and everyone greets them like they’ve just returned from an epic journey around the world in a tiny sailboat.

Apollo goes straight to Simone who is at the bar like a regular person, talking about her many feelings to anyone who’ll listen. He actually tells her he missed her and f*** me how does she not just fall off her stool naked at that? Elora is verrrrrryyyy unhappy about this and goes to talk to some fire sticks about it.

It seems the Elora-Apollo romance is dead quicker than you can say, “you banged him on my couch!”

Meanwhile, Thomas is still the Ralph Wiggum of the island feeling super rejected and unsure of what he’s even doing here. As are we Thomas, as are we.

Jarrod, now a shade of red the colour spectrum has yet to incorporate, feels for the poor Canadian and organises a man date. Jarrod, Thomas, Sam and Apollo stroll along the beach by twilight, end up in a cramped milk bath in their undies and Sam puts on a Swedish accent and honestly how has Sam become the best person on television?! The bro date is most likely a ploy for producers to have Apollo shirtless again and I’m not mad about it.

 

Sorry, I’m lactose intolerant. 

 

In a final twist of der-rama, Elora discovers a letter on her pillow that is allegedly from American Jared. It’s all very SVU: Special Victims Unit with close-ups of the letter being unfolded and the unmistakable red flag of it being signed off as “American Jared.” So many twists and turns in this show, amiright?!

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Elora is quite taken with the gesture and decides that maybe she has real feelings for American Jared, a man she has barely spoken two words to, but we all know that, as Kesha once sang, “It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!”

Ali being Ali praises American Jared for being so sweet with his letter writing business and he is as suitably confused as a drunk foreigner on a dating show can be.

Now erryone is confused AF because it wasn’t American Jared and apparently we have found the key to a time machine and gone back to 1998 when prank letters were a thing in Science class.

Obviously the next logical culprit is Simone because, let’s face it, she’s been extremely sweaty and angry these past few days so that makes sense.

No wait, it’s not Simone either.

It was Eden and now I am so mad and disappointed I can’t feel my face anymore.

It appears that Eden is blue-balling so hard, his excess testosterone has bubbled up and into his brain and he’s lost his damn mind. That, or he just wanted to f*** shit up before his inevitable exit tonight. Whichever mate, but not cool.

YOU’VE MADE ME LOOK THE FOOL, YO! HOW COULD YOU?! I’m going to have to go speak to a box of Shapes about this.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

I’ve fallen into a pit of despair at my apparently terrible judgement of men and kinda miss the whole thing.

Oh, except for the part where Elora gives her funking rose to Eden because she still thinks he deserves to find love gurl what you planning either you’re the most forgiving person in the damn South Pacific, or you got some revenge idea so bad and I’m almost hoping it’s the second one.

Everyone is f***ing shook, including Eden, who looks pretty damn afraid as he should.

 

Eden, you in danger, boi.

 

Poor Canadian Thomas is off the island before he even had a chance to break out the Banana Boat 30+.

 

My nose is dripping like a tap and I need to take a nap. That’s a wrap.

(That was also a rap.)

(Sorry I’m delirious.)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 9: Enter The Apollocalypse

16 Apr

Honestly, what is the point of dilly dallying about and introducing this post in some sort of sarcastic way when Apollo is arriving and everyone is frothy AF. Me included.

Obviously, everyone is losing their goddamn minds about it, including Osher, who is trying really hard to pretend that the recent drama wasn’t completely set up by the producers of the show. Everyone is also sitting around talking about how unexpected and shocking last week’s episode was and they definitely had no idea what was going to happen and absolutely no one told them what to do definitely not it was a total surprise.

 

I am definitely crying real tears, kay?

 

Not ones to bow to peer pressure to make juicy television, Logical Luke and Lisa work out their pretend couple drama like regular people and that’s pretty much all the air time they’re going to get today.

My boyfriend Eden gets the single date card and straight up invites Elora who accepted his rose last week, but Elora is not so keen on going out with our boy Eden for an hour or two in case Apollo magically shows up lol as if that’s really going to happen what are the odds…oh wait. HERE HE FUNKING IS ELORA IS GOING TO BE SOOOO MAD.

Apollo is here guys and he’s wearing a delightful lobster shirt and honestly he is too pure for this world. His adorable hug with Luke nearly made me feel things I didn’t think I was still capable of.

Poor Apollo is worried that he’s come in quite late and that everyone will already be coupled up, which is super sweet, but what he doesn’t know is that every damn woman on this island would crawl over her current man’s rat-infested dead body just to get within a 3 inch radius of him. But bless him for being so modest.

Meanwhile, over on television’s most awkward date, Eden and Elora have just been given boogie boards, a sand dune and no supervision and are trying to figure out how to board down without a) killing themselves or b) getting a whole tonne of sand up in their bits.

Elora has come in her active wear because she wants to make a statement that she’s not really into Eden at all even though she accepted his rose and accepted the fact that he wanted to get to know her better and now that’s what he’s trying to do but how dare he try that on and even more how dare he take her away from a potential Apollo landing?!

Look, it is super awkward to watch and I hate myself a little bit for sticking up for a dude that I don’t even know, but honestly, the man is so desperate for a pash with someone you can see it written all over his poor little face.

He still wants to make the date super memorable, so if there’s not going to be a kiss, he decides to start a food fight with a woman who is already pretty keen to just go the f*** home.

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo!

 

You know what else would make a date with a woman super memorable guys? JUST RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES WHEN SHE TELLS YOU THEM WITH A SIMPLE THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT AND THEN GOING HOME LIKE A REGULAR PERSON.

Sigh. Eden, babe, you’ve hit real a low point here and I’m really gonna need to you to reign it in and go back to being the rad, respectful puppy dog we all know and love.

Let’s pretend that date didn’t happen.

Back on Sex Island, Keira and her mango daiquiri have taken the first opportunity to chat/flirt with Apollo and it’s not going well. I think perhaps Jarrod has had permanent effect on Keira’s interpersonal skills or maybe she’s just shit faced, I can’t be sure. Regardless, she’s willing to kiss him for Australia even though he’s too young for her (i.e. not interested in her) and it’s times like these I remember why we need her.

 

Not all heroes wear capes.

 

On the other hand, he does hit it off with Simone which signals the beginning of  a v complicated and messy love triangle/situation that probably isn’t really that messy at all but this is how I THINK it all goes down:

Simone and Elora are friends in the real world.

Elora told Simone she was literally going on BIP for the sole purpose of meeting Apollo which goes for basically everyone, but okay.

Apparently some other Bachie dude met the two of them at a club  a while back and flirted with Simone even though Elora liked him and now there is some weird man-tension between them? Are you bored of this already?

Now Apollo has met Simone while Elora was off trying to get sand out of her undies with Eden, and Apollo has asked Simone on a single date and she is going to go because she’s not a funking idiot.

(Also Simone spent an entire season without any dates, now she’s been asked on two dates in three days and I think this is what they call just desserts.)

Elora returns from her date with Eden and literally cries, “Oh my God, it’s Apollo!” while still walking next to the man who JUST took her on a date.

She also complains to everyone that Eden is too much but then gives an impromptu TedX talk about Apollo and why he is so great and she’s never actually met him properly. I mean, okay.

She goes and speaks to Simone to forgive her for talking to Apollo while she was not there, but then Simone tells her he actually asked her out on a date and honest to God I think I just saw a capillary pop in Elora’s eyeball.

Simone reassures Elora it’s okay because she kinda told Apollo that Elora likes him and Elora is her friend so she feels bad, but Elora does not like this news and shit is going to go DOWN.

Apollo takes Simone on their date and they go kayaking and fall into the water a lot which I would definitely not be mad about if it meant Apollo had to haul my half-naked ass back on to the kayak with his beautiful bare hands.

 

Hahaha your abs are hilarious!

 

Simone laughs at literally everything Apollo says and I guess that’s fine but then he goes and tells her he is ready to settle down and find someone he can create a story with and he really needs to be careful about using phrases like that because I’m pretty sure half of Australia is pregnant with his babies now.

They get back from their date and Elora wastes no time in asking if they talked about her. You did not read that wrong. This is where we are now.

 

 

Simone is also mad and shitty now and they just kind of talk over each other for a bit and look really pissy about it.

Simone talks to Ali and Michael about the whole situation because now she is mad that Elora is mad and how dare Elora still want to pursue Apollo now that SHE has gone on a date with him some friend she was. Grant is also there but he is napping and I am jealous.

Michael calls Simone all levels of crazy and now he and I are fighting. (Srzly, don’t do that man.)

Simone and Elora fight again over those rumors about the other Bachie dude they went drinking with (I would bet as to who it was but I’ve forgotten all of their names now). Elora wants to talk about this problem with Apollo and how they’re going to share him, but Simone is too sunburnt and high from being close to Apollo all day that she can’t talk.

Meanwhile, I’d like to know what Wais has got to say about all this!

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo.

 

Thus concludes the Elora-Apollo-Simone love triangle for tonight and guys, remember when Jarrod thought he was in a love triangle? Lol.

 

Speaking of Jarrod – guess what? He’s decided that now that Simone has gone on a date with Apollo, he is definitely not interested in her anymore and is definitely in love with Keira again and this has nothing to do with getting a rose.

Sweet Jesus, will it ever end?

I guess because they don’t want to miss out on air time and being included in some of the der-rama, Keira goes along with it and Jarrod takes her to some rock on the beach where he has set up a picnic for them and SRZLY WHAT IS THE FUNKING POINT OF THE SINGLE DATE CARDS WHEN THE CONTESTANTS CAN ACTUALLY JUST DO THIS THEMSELVES?!

Jarrod says something about deciding to dedicate his life to Keira now? I’m not 100% sure if I heard correctly over the Grain Waves I was eating. And also I don’t care anymore.

They kiss and it looks like this train wreck is back on track.

 

Is that sunscreen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

 

 

Oh… Sam built Tara a bamboo hut and told her she makes him pee. And they say romance is ded.

 

Just a gif I stole from Punkee of Apollo’s abs because…

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Serious Business

10 Aug

Guys this might just be my most important recap in the history of all the sarcastic recaps I have ever written.

And it has nothing to do with the “sudden” DER-RAMA that wasn’t really der-rama at all last night. (Some girl called Sian wasn’t feeling it with the Matty vibes and yeah…that’s about it. He took her outside and they were both like kthanx byyyyyyye!)

No.

It’s also nothing to do with the fact that a lot of the women jumped out of a plane and one of them cried.

It ALSO has nothing to do with the fact that one of the girls revealed she used to be in the Hockeyroos aka THE FUNKING OLYMPICS which seems like something I would normally latch right onto like a fox terrier.

None of these things.

It has everything to do with this:

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE YOUR ENROLMENT DETAILS ARE UP TO DATE AND YOU VOTE YES FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY ON THIS STUPID PLEBISITE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WRITING ABOUT THIS FARCICAL HUSBAND COMPETITION WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST TO BE STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLES.

 

“This is just offensive.”

 

I mean, in a way, it’s kind of similar to the way the producers are assholes to the girls on this show e.g. purposefully having the girl with the morbid fear of heights jump from 14000 feet whilst being filmed. So if that kind of thing makes you angry, please take a moment to try and redirect that anger towards this revolting parade of discrimination and time-wasting.

 

“Gee, when was the last time I checked my enrolment?”

 

Oh, and make sure you remember that, once you vote YES, you remember to send that sucker back which sounds pretty simple but I barely have any clue about where my closest post box is.

 

“Am I even enrolled? Better check brb.”

 

Choose love y’all.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sophie Monk is going to kick some Bachelorette ass

26 Apr

Sophie Monk will soon be donning the sequinned gowns and going on a lot of boring picnics as Australia’s Bachelorette of 2017.

 

 

I am so very #Team Sophie now that the news is out. And not just because Popstars was pretty much my most favorite show of the early noughties.

For some reason though, it seems like I might be in the minority.

Honest to Osher, I actually did not see this coming at all. Granted, I haven’t spent too much time on my couch pondering the identity of this year’s Lady Bach – I save that blessed time for eating mee goreng and streaming Real Housewives of Auckland.

Of course I did still harbor some suspicions about Nikki Gogan and her many fascinators taking over the rose-shaped mantle from Bachie Love.

And there’s certainly a little part of me that’s disappointed  Nicky won’t be getting her opportunity to find some lovely fireman/IT consultant/man-with-real-job (i.e. NOT a “ropes technician”) to flaunt in Richie’s boring face.

But I digress.

This decision by Channel 10 is, in my humble opinion, a total winner. I think Soph is going to make a queen of a Bachelorette (and if she doesn’t I will go back to TAFE and study “Rope Technology”). And to all them haters out there, here’s why:

To begin with, she’s 37.

Do you know how many outraged Facebook comments I saw that labelled her “too old”? MORE THAN I CARED FOR, I’LL GIVE YOU THE TIP!

And I call bullshit. (Also how very dare you.)

 

I hope I look like this at 37.

 

The fact is, she’s not some 20-something ingénue or upstart, claiming to own her own fitness company or fashion line, when really we all know she’s just very good at taking photos of herself not looking at the camera and putting them on Instagram. Sophie has had a solid and visible career in the music and media industries and, even more impressively, has managed to make it past 30 and remain culturally relevant – no easy feat for a woman.

And for once a television show is sending the message that women over 30 are actually desirable, loveable and interesting human beings! WHO WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT?!

Her age also means she’s had more time to dabble in the dating pool and experience the dizzying highs of love and the subsequently crushing lows of losing it; some of which she has done in full view of the public. (I’m still mad at you, Benji Madden!)

Before all you whipper snappers put on your outrage pants, I’m not saying that 20-somethings don’t know anything about love or relationships; I’m just saying that, mathematically, a woman in her mid-30’s has had a head start.

And yeah, maybe there is an argument to say that her appointment is somewhat unfair to all the everyday, non-famous applicants out there. But when you think about it, wouldn’t her experience in the spotlight mean she’s actually much better equipped to deal with the perverse invasion of her personal life (and the potential for it to go very badly)? And really, don’t Matty J, Sam Frost and Bachie Bananas all technically fall into that “celeb” category as well after each trying (and failing) to win their respective wife/husband competitions the first time around?

Sophie has a clear idea of what she wants and does not want; what she will and will not put up with. Combine this with an understanding of what people find entertaining and a habit of speaking before she thinks and, frankly, you’ve got some bloody good television, y’all. And isn’t that what we all came for?

And, side note, she’s funny AF.

 

 

People who’ve been throwing around accusations of “tacky” or “unclassy” her way clearly have not followed much of her time in the media. She’s a bona fide piss-taker and can deliver a one-liner like no one’s business.

She once said in an interview what basically erry lady has thought to herself at some point in her adult life; that she’s “…probably bad in bed actually. I think I’m dud.” (And if you haven’t ever thought this about yourself at least once, then can you please write to me and give me the name of your sexy confidence medicine, kthanx.)

She’s been accused of being stupid (just watch the Hard Chat video with Tom Gleeson for a start), but instead of getting upset about it, Sophie regularly comes out with some absolute bangers, like this one about her bike-riding nephew:

“He’s like Lance Armstrong … minus the drugs … plus the balls.”

In fact, I actually believe the woman is some kind of low-key genius after she explained she, “…got suspended for writing ‘I love Sophie’ on the desks to make the other boys think I was popular.”

I mean, why didn’t they put THAT advice in the Little Golden Books?!

And finally, not only did she dress up like a giant bird and sing in a giant cage, she has regularly made a right tit of herself on radio and television for viewer amusement. She even managed to make Kyle Sandilands look good during their stint together as co-hosts. Not. Easy. To. Do.

 

#birdchic

 

Look, maybe I’m biased because I have Poison on regular rotation on my Spotify playlist, but I honestly think this is a win for The Bachelorette series. It’s a win for glorious idiots like Sophie. A win for women over 30. And a win for us viewers.

So can we all just get on board and focus on what really matters – that she begins the first rose ceremony like this:

Don’t you treat me bad,

Don’t you make me sad.

Our love could be deep as the ocean.

 

Can we petition for group-Bachelorettes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Bachelorette Season 2: The path to Georgia’s Love

22 Sep

I wasn’t going to recap The Bachelorette, I really wasn’t. But I have a sickness and no sooner had I watched the first episode of Season 2, that I felt the inexplicable need to give my opinion on it. So…yeah. Here we are, guys.

The producers barely had enough time to clean the chocolate bath remnants from the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built before Lady Love and her crew took over the place. Luckily though, one of the work experience kids managed to nip back down to Bed, Bath ‘n’ Table and stock up on more metallic candle holders and expensive throw rugs. Crisis averted.

I just hope they gave Osher a weekend off or something to recover.

But here he is, looking his dapper self, and ready to introduce us to Australia’s newest Bachelorette – Georgia Love.

So who is she?

Well, she’s a journalist and news reporter who lives in Tasmania and was probably the best option they had since I’m guessing Cool Girl Heather and Well Traveled Lana turned down the gig. But Lady Bach seems pretty sweet and, despite her bad habit of speaking like she’s on the five o’clock news, is a stone cold fox. But the poor thing has put her successful career first for the last decade, how very dare she, and has thus been punished by the Gods of romance for not giving it all up to find a man. Until now…

 

sad-georgia

This is what you get for having a career.

 

Instead of going home to her cold career, hopefully Lady Love will be going home to one of the 16 bachelors Channel 10 and the Myer Briggs test have picked out for her… I just really hope the “relationship experts” from Married at First Sight weren’t involved…

But before I give you my run-down on the fellas, can I just say it is actually bullshit that she only gets 16 dudes and Bachie Cool Bananas got 23 ladies. MAYBE it was because Richie needed more personalities in the house to overshadow his own, but I think I’m being too optimistic here. This is just straight-up anti-feminism! Does Susan Sarandon know about this?

Anywhoo, Lady Love is all decked out in her elegant and virginal white gown, living out my personal dream of standing on her driveway and just waiting for hot men in limos to pull up and impress her. And if by “impress” you mean making awkward conversation and wearing a lot of velvet suits, then yes, they are very impressive. Many velvet, much pinky rings.

I’m not going to give a run down on erry single one because you and I both have a life, but here are the standouts:

Cameron: Firefighter. Very cute. Likes Disney. Will most likely be in the Final 3 due to my other Bachie theory, not dissimilar to the Dress theory, that the first suitor introduced is usually a major contender. You heard it here first.

Jake: Forgot what he does but he’s from the Gold Coast. He’s really cute except he wears a pinky ring. Ew. It’s a no from me, but Bachie Love doesn’t seem to care. High chance of going rogue and punching someone later due to aforementioned description.

Rhys: Model and Entrepreneur. This means he’s probably a barista at a hipster cafe and runs a semi-popular tumblr account. Basically says anyone can be as hot as he is if they just try harder. Tries hard to speak French. Is shit.

Courtney: Also forgot what he does but something to do with kids? Super adorbs but I think I’m biased because he’s wearing a plaid shirt and gives her a pasta bracelet.

Carlos: Self-proclaimed Business Mogul. So…a stripper. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Clearly producer’s pick for ratings as not even the Married at First Sight relationship experts would pair him with Georgia. Also wears pinky ring and looks greasy. I hope he stays.

Lee: Mechanical Plumber. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I bet he’s good with his hands or…something. Offers Lady Bach his jacket while swooning over her eyes but obviously stylists crack the shits and make him take it back. Oh yeah, also brings a donkey with him, NBD. A donkey in a mexican costume, no less. Asks, “does my ass look big in this?” Ten points to Gryffindor.

 

donkey

#animalrights

 

Ben: Miner. Extreme Aussie and clearly there for comic relief. Self-proclaimed nervous pooer. Bless. Trips over on his way up the stairs. Jury still out on whether it was legit an accident or excuse to use bad pun. Either way I’m okay with it.

Clancy: Has beard. May not have beard by end of night.

Sam: Claims to be an electrician but I really don’t know if I’d let him anywhere near live wires. But well done to the producers because this guy is television heaven. Explains that he rarely has to try very hard as women usually just go to him, hence why he’s still single and on a dating show? Wonders if Georgia will be able to keep his attention for more than a week. What a sweetheart! And by attention he means asking her a series of inane questions that he probably stole from a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Wins Quote of the Night with, “I don’t know what planet she’s from that she doesn’t agree with everything I say?” Thank you, Channel 10. Thank you.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Off to an excellent start. Lady Bach enters in all her glory only to stack it down the stairs. And suddenly every woman in Australia goes lesbian for a moment because, lesbihonest, Georgia is all of us after a few drinks. She brushes it off like no big deal but then secretly wants to die in her private interview. Basically me everyday.

 

georgia-falls

Georgia at the cocktail party…

kill-me-gif

…Georgia IRL

 

After that, the der-rama takes a bit of a nose dive. I really hate to say this, but dudes are not as interesting as chicks are at the cocktail parties. All that happens is that they form a line to talk to Lady Bach. It’s kind of sweet but also super weird.

Meanwhile, Rhys and some guy called Aaron find each other and begin what looks to be a beautiful bromance. They make a lot of cringe-worthy jokes and then laugh a lot of those jokes and I can’t help but wonder if this is what I’m like with my friends when we’ve been drinking and, if so, someone should probs just put me out of my misery. Although a little part of me does hope they turn on each other and flip tables and shit because that would be way more entertaining.

 

bromance

The real love story of the season.

 

OOHH CONTROVERSY ALERT!

Guys, even though Lady Love has waaaay more personality than Bachie Bananas did, they’re not giving her a White Sex Rose! Obviously this is NOT. OKAY. WITH. ME. Less men to pick from and now no Sex Rose. What’s next? The men not having to compete in humiliating challenges?!

What Lady Bach does get is some pissy little orange rose called the “First Impression Rose” which is actually just the Rose of Lies! Poor Osher tries to sell it like a #reallybigdeal but it turns out it works basically the same as the regular roses, it’s just the lucky dude gets given it earlier in the night. And gets to choose ONE date with Lady Bach and ONE group date. No escaping up to the White Rose Sex Hideaway whenever the mood strikes.

If I was Lady Bach I would be piiiiiiiiiissed.

The lucky/not-so-lucky recipient is Courtney and maybe I’m okay with that decision. I always knew plaid shirts were a good life choice.

ROSE CEREMONY

Poor Georgia has to send home two dudes out of an already small pool of 16! I mean, I’m no scientist, but isn’t it LADIES who are the better sex at multi-tasking?! Are we legitimately going into the beginning of this new season with a measly FOURTEEN MEN?! What good can possibly come of that?

Regardless, Lady Bach must do as she is told and so she sends home Carlos and a white guy whose name I did not learn. Seeing as Carlos was clearly the producers pick, I’m very surprised they let that slide. Perhaps they feel bad for shafting poor Lady Love at every other opportunity. And by shafting I’m not trying to make bad sexual innuendo. For once.

 

Ah well, at least Sam and his codependent attitude are still there. And the donkey. Or…at least I think the donkey is still there?

Guys?

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

16 Sep

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

 

kim-day

Thin ice, Richie.

 

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

 

cool-bananas

#unforgettable

 

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

 

mummy-banana

It’s all making sense now…

 

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

 

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2:  “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak. 

 

monkey-crazy

ROMANCE!

 

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

 

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

 

taylor-i-told-you

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

 

nikki-losing

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

 

alex-and-richie

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

 

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

 

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

 

osher-going-home

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Bachelor Season 4: Bintang, done that.

15 Sep

Truth bomb: This may be the shortest, most non-eventful recap I’ve ever done and I feel like I’ve done it a million times; I am RUNNING ON EMPTY, GUYS. I promise I will throw in as much random funny shit from the internet to try and make it seem better. I mean, this is what would normally be the Dates With No Time Limits (yes, I’m STILL bitter, get over it) so nothing is ever going to live up to it, but come on. If it wasn’t for Olena I would basically have nothing to say. But one thing at a time…

Bachie Banana warms up for a long evening of being beige with some poignant stretching, pond-side weights and pond-side sit ups.

 

stretchings

Can pond.

He’s going to take his three blondes on a trip and he’s very worried about having to pick which one is the natural blonde because he cannot possibly end up with a fake blonde as his wife. Osher isn’t even here to help him. Either they couldn’t afford to pay him or he’s legit thrown in the towel and gone the f*ck home.

AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! Give me a free flight to a foreign country! (I am not so much kidding about this one – I would love me some travel voucher.)

The big international trip on AIR ASIA is to, as Richie keeps calling it, “Indonesia.” Which is just Bali, the bogan tourist capital of Straya. At the very least, they’ve learnt their lesson from last year when they went to some shitty fishing town in Sydney and it just rained the whole time. From what I can recall, Snezana got taken on a funking walk to the beach as her final date. So I guess this is a step up.

 

air-asia-1

Can I have a free flight, please?

 

So much Bali. Many Indonesia. Bintang. Tourists. Nasi Goreng. You know the drill.

 

air-asia-2

How bout now??

 

ALEX

If nothing else, Alex should win a medal for laughing the most over his terrible jokes. They ride bikes through the rice paddies and they say beautiful and pretty a lot and Richie makes bad puns and Alex shrieks as if she’s been kept in a dungeon devoid of humor by some creep who wants to bone her…oh wait….

 

brooke-shields-laughing

Everything you say is just so FUNNY!!

 

Gush gush gush. There’s a lot of gushing and kissing with tongue.

Alex wants to know if Richie would move to Melbourne because obviously she’s the one with the “big responsibility” child and Richie pretends to entertain the idea but we all know Bachie don’t move nowhere for nobody.

They arrive at a Random Fancy Rotunda, where Alex exclaims that, “It’s so beautiful” and Richie replies with, “just like you.” Vomit.

There is an attempt at injecting some der-rama into the scene with Richie pretending to worry that his mum and sister might not know how to react to their son dating a blonde who has pushed out a human from her vagina. But considering his own mum is/was a single mum, I’mma say it ain’t gonna be a problem, but what would I know. Nice try, assistant producer.

 

NIKKI

Bachie Bananas is super excited to see the obvious winner and says he’s going to share everything he loves about Bali with Nikki. Yah, because you love her and you’re going to pick her.

Nikki seems wayyyy too excited and grateful considering she’s been here twelve times. TWELVE TIMES?! Ooohh…that’s right she’s from the country. I get it. Carry on.

 

phoebe-fun

You mean, we get to go to the beach again?!

 

Bachie Bananas tries to say he hasn’t seen an adventurous side to Nikki just yet, demonstrating that memory loss of his is still a bit of a problem. I don’t know exactly what you classify as adventurous, Richie, but remember when she ate lamb’s guts and beat up other girls in kangaroo suits, babe?

 

 kangaroos

Remember dis?

 

Anyway, the producers try to create an interesting date where they go to the beach and go on some flying fish water sports activity out the back of a hotel. But to me it kinda felt like this…

 

boring-banana

 

Gush gush gush. There’s more gushing and more kissing with tongue.

It’s very beige and they are obviously in love. The end.

Although I did giggle when Richie said,”Good times, good times,” before going in to pash her. Spot on, mate. Straya. Romance.

 

OLENA

Just when I thought the ads for Lady Bachie were more exciting than this episode, in walks Kween Olena.

Olena is obviously a massive bitch because she hasn’t said she loves him already. Because she realises that she doesn’t really know this guy all that well. And she realises they literally live on opposite sides of the country, and you know, that might be, like, a f*cking problem.

Poor Richie is confused about whether he likes her for realz or whether he just wants to bone her, so if any date has the potential to be interesting, it’s this one.

Bachie Bananas is super keen to find out what Olena’s parents said about him because, despite constantly saying it’s more important to follow your own heart, we are in desperate need of some der-rama and that is obviously important to him all of a sudden.

Kween Olena straight up tells him her parents didn’t really have an opinion because they met him for half an hour and they were being filmed for national television. I am gobsmacked this vessel of rationality has survived this long in the game.

Richie agonizes over this highly controversial piece of information for, like, their entire date which consists of them surfing and drinking on the beach.

He decides to “confront” her because how very dare her parents have nothing less than sunshine and rainbows to say about him and what follows then is an amazing ten minutes of Richie cracking the sads that Olena isn’t saying what he wants her to and Olena not giving a sh*t about it.

OLENA: I just feel like long distance relationships are really hard.

RICHIE: Yeah, but, what about my feelings?

OLENA: Look, I like you and stuff, but I don’t know how this would work, to be honest.

RICHIE: WHY AREN’T YOU OPENING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?!

OLENA: Kthanxbyyyeeee.

 

olena-dont-care

Yeah, nah.

 

Olena is just heaven throughout the whole exchange. Bachie basically loses his bananas over her rational arguments about long distance, even though he knows he was never going to uproot his life for her, and she comes back with, “You were livin in a fairytale.”

Yas kween. Thank god for Foxtel, because I totally hit rewind a couple of times just to enjoy that again. And again.

Bachie be MAD.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Bye bye Olena. There is literally no reason for me to even be writing this. Srzly Channel 10 I don’t even know why you’re bothering with the Batman soundtrack because we all know what’s happening. Olena knows and she doesn’t give any f*cks.

When he finally puts her out of her misery and tries to explain that dumping her had absolutely nothing to do with the fact she had an opinion different to his, he tells us that,”Saying goodbye to Olena wasn’t really that difficult.”

This guy. What a sweetheart.

Olena can not get on an AIR ASIA flight quick enough back to a world where logic exists.

 

morgan-bored

On the plus side, the filler episode before the finale is over and we can all just look forward to actual finale tonight where Nikki’s blonde hair will take the Bachie crown.

ALTHOUGH!

After seeing the preview for the finale, I’m having a couple of doubts – they uuuuusually dress the winners in gold/white/some kind of virginal hue. And Nikki is going to be wearing red. Alex is in a gold sequinned number… I’m just saying…

 

air-asia-3

How bout now?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Bachelor Season 4: (Adult) Baby did a bad, bad thing

2 Sep

Guys, things are getting desperate over at Channel 10. It seems they got wise on the fact the last several episodes have been whiter than a slice of TipTop and have, subsequently, brought in the big guns. And by big guns, I mean Hamish Blake. And by Hamish Blake, I mean Hamish Blake as an adult baby called Rory.

What a time to be alive.

But first….

The six remaining bitches are sitting around their Tuscan villa, surrounded by the entire Spring catalog from Bed Bath’n’Table, chatting about how dreamy their manfriend is. Frightening phrases like, “He’s everything a girl could want in a partner!” and, “I feel so special with Richie!” are being thrown around willy nilly, again, reminding us that this is a dude they have spent no more than 12 hours with in total. The young guy who serves me my hangover latte and hash brown at McCafe makes me feel more special than that.

Overhearing this enthusiastic display, Osher arrives to lecture them like Year 11’s going into VCE; spending quality time with a man is important if you want to fall in love. And dates are the way to do that. Well, I know I just learnt something today.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith. No surprises here but she is super excited and bubbly to go on her second date with Bachie Bananas. So much so that she goes and changes out of her already lovely crop top into another crop top. But it’s beige. Just like this date is probs going to be… or is it??

Suddenly Richie shows up to collect Faith and explain to her in front of his other girlfriends why he chose her for another date and why their connection is important to him and the ick factor goes through the funking roof. Like, I KNOW the show is about these women competing for the one dude, but good God man, don’t sh*t where you eat!

God bless you, Hamish Blake, for arriving just as things were getting hella awkward.

The zany, totally-not-a-grab-for-ratings twist this episode is that Hamish is going to accompany them on their date. Yes, poor Richie is so bad at being entertaining on dates that they’ve resorted to giving him a wingman. Hamish explains that they’re going to be looking after a “real life toddler.” Both Bachie Bananas and Faith cackle hysterically for a moment, because obviously Hamish is a comedian and obviously this is a big joke.

“Hahahaha! Oh my god! Wait…a REAL toddler?”

shocked gif

The real life toddler is, in fact, Hamish himself, who will be dressed as three year-old adult baby, Rory for the day. If either of his “parents” fail to look after him, he will stop the date. Oh the zaniness!

No, but seriously, Rory is actually heaven as he wastes no time throwing awkward questions at Richie like, “Is mummy the ONLY one for daddy?” To give Bachie credit, he does manage to reply with a semi-genuine “Yes” before Faith asks him to look at her when he says that. Cue Classic Richie Laughter followed by uncomfortable pause.

shocked gif

Hahahahaha! That was so funny…

More great questions from Rory – there’s even a reference to Richie’s clear favoritism towards blondes. He tries to deflect again by using a metaphor for it’s what’s on the inside that counts/as long as the flavor of ice-cream is delicious. As long as that flavor is blonde, though, amiright? Hahahaha!

Next stop is a fancy, hipster cafe where Rory goes ape sh*t and upends tables and pours drinks on the floor. It is at this point that I realise this would basically be my dream job as an actor. A) Overalls are super comfy B) I already have a sippy cup and it’s pretty much the best $5 I ever spent and C) Getting paid to carry on about childish crap and complain that you’re not getting enough attention is already my everyday life.

But it is disturbing to notice the large gaggle of blondes seated at the cafe – is this the Blonde Bitch Holding Cell? Like, is this where they keep their reserves should one of the originals forget to do her roots!? Big questions to answer, Channel 10…

Finally they go bowling and Rory freaking out in the middle of a lane is pretty much me this entire season…

hamish

What is happening?!

The only other funny thing that happens that isn’t because of Hamish, is when Bachie Bananas sings a gentle “Twinkle twinkle little dinkle” to his adoptive adult baby while doing wee-wee. #adulting.

Back at The Tuscan Villa that Spotlight Built, Mummy Faith and Daddy Richie attempt to put their adult baby to bed.  There’s a lot of pants pulling and grabbing of the bed…and not in the sex way which is disappointing. Richie legit has to wrestle Rory out of his overalls. I know this is meant to be funny, and I know that I don’t have a kid, but I’m pretty sure this is not that far off from real life. (I guess the only difference is that actual three year-olds can’t ask their fathers sassy, judgmental questions. Or maybe they can…kids are getting super rude these days.)

Overly Bubbly Faith and Bachie Bananas eventually collapse on the couch with MENULOG MENULOG DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD ORDER WINE THROUGH MENULOG. Faith picks Italian food and Richie stupidly picks white wine.

YOU DRINK RED WINE WITH ITALIAN FOOD, YOU FOOL!

(Wow, I think that’s the most passionate I’ve been about this season in weeks. I nearly scared myself.)

 

menulog

I wonder if Hamish got paid in Menulog?

 

GROUP DATE

Oh wait, there’s no group date. Apparently the producers paid Hamish Blake all of their budget to inject some actual entertainment into this episode, so instead, Richie takes Rachel into the back garden to sit on a Random Sex Chair. Except there are no candles, cheese platters or ostentatious decorations. Yep, sh*t is grim.

The theme of this non-date is ‘The Five Sense’ – in other words, they are going to eat some sh*t, smell some sh*t, touch some sh*t, listen to some sh*t and speak some sh*t. Not actual sh*t, but you get the idea. Although speaking and eating some sh*t is practically all they’ve done for the last 2 months so Rachel should be a total pro.

Zzzzz…nothing interesting happens. Hamish Blake has gone home and taken the Menulog with him.

 

rachel date

You mean Hamish isn’t coming back?

There is a point where Bachie offers to massage Rachel’s feet, but she admits she hasn’t washed them (umm..WHAT?!) and suddenly Bachie’s Banana shrivels back up into his body and he seamlessly switches to giving her a boring hand massage instead. And here I was hoping he might condemn her filthy ways to a nunnery or something else dramatic like that.

The producers have reminded Richie to put a lid on all the flattery and roses to try and maintain at least a tiny bit of mystery, so like Overly Bubbly Faith before her, Rachel is denied a rose.

I don’t think I care.

ROSE CEREMONY

Because none of the bitches are going into the Rose Ceremony with rose in hand, actual tension seems to be building in the Bed Bath’n’Table display room. Single Mum Alex no longer gives any f***s about waiting for Richie to take HER to the White Rose Sex Room and waves her magic white wand quick smart.

Up in the Sex Den, Alex reveals she has hidden a secret photo album of Richie sleeping her son in the cushions of a chair. Cue a lot of talk about responsibility and children and other stuff related to having kids. Bachie looks legit terrified. But Alex ain’t no fool, cos erryone knows that the guy who kicks off a lady who just showed him pictures of the child that came out of her lady parts is basically the biggest douche canoe ever in the world.

 

crazy girlfriend

She just KNOWS.

Well played, Single Mum. And well played on the leather bustier too; slayin.

Boring boring, someone is going home, we’re all devastated, boring boring.

The final two are Rachel and Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S. Rachel is obviously being punished for having dirty feet, how very dare she.

Joookes! Intruder Lady is sent home before I even bothered to learn her name. I feel a bit bad. She cries in the limo about how sad she is not getting the chance to make sweet Bachie love to the greatest guy she ever met.

Yeah, now I don’t feel so bad.

 

 

laughing in car

Come on, look how ENTERTAINING WE ARE!!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries