Tag Archives: The Bachelor

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.

Advertisements

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 3: The Stage 5 Clingers Have Landed

3 Apr

Far out, guys; this is becoming more and more like the Sex Hunger Games every day, because they are just throwing new people in left, right and centre!

But despite this, I’m starting to get a sinking feeling that every single episode is going to be virtually the same and, let me tell you, that shit is going to get old faster than you can say Malibu & pineapple.

So it’s the day after the Rose Ceremony and everyone is doing what they do best and chilling by the pool with a bevvy, talking about the Rose Ceremony.

Normal Lisa makes an eagle-eyed observation that it’s barely 10 in the morning and already the dudes have backed riiiiight off, which is probably just due to stress relief and definitely not to do with the fact that they are playing a game with each other’s feelings.

I forget how, but somehow Keira ends up talking to Michael and he explains she’s going to give him a “tar-ott” reading with her angel cards. I love me some wu-wu shit and was looking forward to witnessing an in-depth look into Michael’s abs aura. Unfortunately, they’re somewhat interrupted by the fact that Keira has just scored herself a date card and, considering her now deep spiritual connection with the man who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team, she decides to take Michael to get to know him better.

And also because the poor girl can’t be stuck with Uncle Sam all the time, no judgement babe.

Their date is kind of like the time in primary school when I told a boy in my class that I liked him and then he told me he really liked my friend and so I went home and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

 

HAHA nah it’s cool if you wanna talk about Tara this whole time HAHAHAHAHA

 

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen for Michael and Keira.

But no matter, because Jarrod’s here and he is READY FOR THE WOMEN HE EVEN GREW STUBBLE.

I mean, bless him, he tries so hard to be super smooth and make an impression straight away, asking Lisa to show him around and then Laurina if she’d like to chat, but these women are waaaaayyy too wise on his past behaviour and not-so-subtly keep a safe distance.

Meanwhile, Tara is doing a bang-up job of pretending that she doesn’t care that Michael went on a date with Keira without asking her and honestly it’s no big deal just would have been nice to check and seriously I’m not mad about it I wonder if they’re having a terrible time because that would be kind of funny not to be mean but honestly like I said we haven’t kissed or anything so I don’t mind does anyone know the combination to Keira’s tiki hut?

This is kind of like the time in primary school when the boy I liked took my friend to the movies instead of me and I told everyone it was totally fine but then I didn’t speak to her for a week and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

Except the difference here is that Michael actually does spend the entire date saying super romantic things to Keira…about Tara. He even brings back his grass helmet for her as a memento of his date with another woman. Cuuuuuuute.

But by this time, Tara has already commiserated with Uncle Sam and it turns out they might have chemistry and guys I’m super worried because Tara is way too good for Sam and his follicle ecosystem, not that Michael is that much better, but I guess at least he’s seen his hairdresser in the last 12 months and doesn’t stare at women’s boobs all the time.

Honestly, we need to do something about this.

 

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

 

Tara is cold as ice on Michael’s return and for a minute there I genuinely felt quite sorry for him but then I remembered who the f*** I was and what the f*** I was watching and my feelings went away.

Anyway.

Enter Ali.

You may remember Ali as the Stage 5 Clinger from the very first season of Bachie where she spent a lot of time being wide-eyed and slack-jawed over Bachie Hair Gel, Tim Robards. Well, in the 5 years since then, she’s met another guy, gotten engaged and then ended the engagement and now she’s entered the Sex Hunger Games in the hope of finding a genuine man to marry. Good to see her expectations are more realistic these days.

Look, the thing is she IS very good looking and I kind of couldn’t blame the guys for straight up just staring at her like when Scooby-Doo sees a box of Scooby Snacks.

 

Pictured: All the dudes on Bachelor in Paradise 

 

Jake is frothing over her and Florence is piiiiiiissed. Honestly Flo, I don’t know what you expected from this Gold Coast F*** Boi! In fact, watching Flo be super cold and bitchy to Ali was difficult; it’s not her fault the guy you said you couldn’t trust finds her attractive and will probably try to get in her pants. That’s just basic maths.

 

You mean…there aren’t any genuinely decent men on this Sex Island?

 

Anyhoo, it all gets a bit confusing now but basically Jarrod’s hyperhydrosis is in over drive over Ali, but then Keira arrives back from her date with Michael and she is OVERJOYED that Jarrod is here which is kind of cute and then they start chatting and you can tell Keira really likes him because she compliments him on being really tanned when really he’s just sunburnt AF.

And then because he has spoken to two blonde women Jarrod thinks he’s in a love triangle.

 

 

Bless.

Finally, to really get the der-rama ramped up for the evening, the third person is being let into the Sex Compound by Osher and it’s none other than Megan Marx, the bisexual queen who dumped Richie and ran off with another contestant.

She’s hoping Jake and/or Ellora are here as she’s “been chatting,” to both of them and honestly, does Jake EVER get off Instagram DMs?? His mobile data must be through the roof, just quietly.

Osher tells her she has the power to take someone on a date but instead of just letting her pick someone like a regular grown ass woman, they sit her down and make her pick from a menu of characteristics that could belong to anyone on the island because #bisexual.

But because the producers are literally here to just f*** with everyone, they pretend she’s “picked” Jake but actually, that can’t be true because she said she didn’t like people who were too motivated and if Jake’s constant need to auction himself off on social media isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.

No, this is just to f*** with Flo.

And it works because her European Rage factor goes to 11 and I’m scared about what might happen to Megan when she actually arrives.

Megan and Jake have a romantic date on the entrance steps to the compound and then Jake asks Megan to go sit on the comfortable couch conveniently placed behind them and then proceeds to do super f*** boi things like tease her for not liking him as much as he likes her and brushing imaginary stray hairs out of her face.

Honestly, I really hope this is another set up for Megan to dump some dude’s ass for a better woman. i.e. Ellora.

They walk back to the Sex Compound but not before Jake plants one big dirty pash on her before Florence can get wise and it kind of reminds me of that time in primary school when the boy I liked kissed another girl behind the exit door at a Blue Light Disco but I totally saw it and then write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.

 

Pictured: Me after every time I wrote in my Total Girl diary.

 

Okay I think that’s everything.

Stay tuned for what is sure to be an epic love triangle in Jarrod’s head.

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 2: Are We Even Facebook Official?

27 Mar

Full disclosure guys: up until the last couple of minutes of tonight’s episode, I honest to God still didn’t really know how exactly this whole rose ceremony thing worked. I mean, what I DID know was that the producers are not only trying to f*** with the contestants, but now they are straight up f***ing with us.

But I’ll get to that.

Tonight was a continuation of the competition between Jake and Davey to be the biggest f***boi on Bachie Island and tbh I’m still unclear on who won. We picked up to the part where Jake so gallantly took Flo on a single date to the waterfall behind the resort and now I’ve realised that every single one of these “date” scenarios are just grooming situations for sex. Jake commented that, “it’s been ages since I’ve been on a bush hike,” and I don’t think he was trying to be funny or anything. Strap on in, everyone.

Blah blah blah, he and Flo sit down on a blanket near the waterfall in their bathers and Jake keeps telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s gotta show Florence the real him because he’s determined to get in her pants  her rose. So far it hasn’t been going well for him though as it seems bloody EVERYONE on the Gold Coast has gotten together to make up some sort of conspiracy about him being a sleaze bag which is just super mean and, honestly, how on earth could they have all come to that same conclusion, it’s just so MEAN AND UNFAIR AND DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ACTUAL CHOICES OR HARD EVIDENCE PUN INTENDED.

 

This is a real thing and definitely not the kind of thing a f***boi would do. 

 

Thankfully, Flo doesn’t seem to be buying it and so just sits there looking straight ahead until they open that chilled bottle of champs and all of a sudden they’re in the waterfall/lake thing making out like NBD. God bless alcohol, amiright?

Back at F***boi HQ, Davey is moping around about Jake breaking the bro code and asking Flo out right in front of him even though he likes her and I feel like this same drama is going to dominate the whole episode – can someone please pass me my Spice Girls journal and Fiona Apple cassette tape?

Da boyz are all complaining about how there are more men than women and how some of them will get voted off the island and gender imbalance is just so unfair. One genius jokes about how shit it would be if another dude showed up right now…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THE PRODUCERS WERE F***ING WITH YOU BECAUSE HERE IS ANOTHER DUDE RIGHT NOW!

The f***ing with us has reached Level 8, because the dude that has strolled in is none other than Uncle Sam i.e. He Who Never Cuts His Hair i.e. the man who literally makes my skin crawl and now all I can think about is what this humidity is doing to the thing on his head.

 

Do they sell John Frieda in Fiji??

 

Nina barely notices Sam has arrived, and simply remarks that she’d prefer not to date men who are, “short, blonde and a child,” and she wins Bachelor In Paradise give her the prize money.

Sam wastes no time in complaining how hard this is going to be for him, and that it’s like, “showing up late to a party,” except that it is EXACTLY showing up late to a party. Except it’s a sex party and everyone has already paired off. But no matter, cos we all know him and his dude bro Blake have been gagging to get down to their Aussie Bumz together so this could work out.

Unfortunately for Blake, Sambo makes a beeline for Keira as she is literally the only girl who doesn’t seem to be interested in one particular guy already, and if that isn’t true romance, I don’t know what is. Poor Keira is literally stuck with the “dreads” (dregs) of the group but she runs with it like a champion and still manages to make interesting television…

Unlike our friend Brett over here who I have got a lot of things to say about, despite the fact it’s not even that compelling but this is what this show does to you – makes you care about shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. Get ready.

Remember that whole possibly made up girlfriend he may/may not have on the outside thing? Look, I completely thought that was fake because there was nothing else interesting about the guy. Turns out I was wrong and he has been seeing a woman called Steph who was also on The Bachelor but I’ve personally drawn a blank, not that it matters. Poor Tara was under the impression that he was defs in a relationship with her, everyone was aware, and her ticket to paradise was coming in the mail, so maybe they could just keep him in the show until his lady friend showed up because that seems like a nice thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Tara has inadvertently dobbed on Brett who is rudely accosted by a producer in a singlet while he’s trying to relax on a sex bean bag. The producer is super pissed at Brett for lying about being single and, let me tell you, being pissed while wearing a Hot Tuna singlet and board shorts is super hard to get away with but he somehow manages it anyway because HE IS BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE!

Brett dodges the questions even better than our friend Michael did when 60 Minutes asked him about being on the Australian Soccer Team (no, I’m not going to let it go). But it is here that we learn that, not only is Brett potentially lying about being single so that he can get his lady friend on the show and get a free Fiji holiday and Insta followers out of it, but he is literally the guy who goes out with a woman FOR A YEAR but then only judges the relationship based on whether they are Facebook official or not. And guys, I think we can all agree that that is the real issue at play here and the world has spiralled into a bad, bad place. (Srzly, listening to someone say “We’re not Facebook official or anything like that,” more than once, and as a legit argument, sounds way less funny and way more disturbing than I thought it would.)

Meanwhile, poor Tara is sitting there in the middle of this like…

 

 

Anyway.

This is the most interesting thing that has happened to Brett so far but he is clearly going home tonight because everyone is salty AF with him and when even Normal Lisa is pissed at you, you know you gon’ f***ed up.

Whatever, HERE COME LAURINA!

Welcome back my queen. We are so here for you.

(Osher didn’t greet her or anything, she is literally just waltzing in holding a date card she has got no time to f*** around.)

Idiot Blake pretends he is desperately in love with her straight away and it’s definitely got nothing to do with the fact no other woman has looked twice at him and he’ll be going home tonight. (Srzly, Channel 10, the man is a violent criminal this is no flipping joke.)

Laurina asks him on a date and I’m desperately hoping she’s doing it to punk him and lead him to some Fijian gang on the shore line who plan to sacrifice him in a ceremony that includes a lot of fire or maybe being eaten alive.

No such luck. Boo.

Apparently Laurina has moved way past the Dirty Street Pie debacle and is now v v spiritual and down with the common people, because, when she and Blake find an enormous vase filled with what looks like elephant poop but is apparently mineral mud or some crap, she is 100% fine with it and dives straight in.

What follows is 4 minutes of watching the two of them awkwardly paint each other with the black mud and talk about their energies which is just fancy chat for wanting to bone.

Blake then throws a pash in out of the blue and Laurina gives it 6.2 out of 10 because she hasn’t changed THAT much yet. Obviously she is now going to give him her rose and I could honesty just vom all over my Pinot.

 

This mud is as black as Blake’s soul.

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

I’m not totally sure why they are bothering having Cocktail Parties because this whole f***ing island is just one big cocktail party 24/7 but what would I know?

Jake is deep in the shit with Davey who is suuuuuper pissed about the whole Flo thing and honestly I forgot how terrible party boyz from the Gold Coast are at pretending to be fine. Jake keeps crying about how much he hates drama but then continues to create drama by doing exactly what everyone doesn’t want him to do. #daboyz.

Poor Davey has reached Desperation Station and basically offers his left testicle to Flo in exchange for her rose.

But as any true f***boi would, instead of just telling her he likes her because real feelings are scary, he says, “I definitely wanna spend more time with you,” which is f***boi talk for I’d like to bone you and then ignore you and pretend we’re just mates forever.

 

You mean girls can tell when I’m bullshitting no way that can’t be right?!

 

Look, I will admit that I kiiiiiinda feel a little bit sorry for Davey at this point but then again I think this show has already warped my brain so.

Errr…nothing else interesting happens at the party except Michael has taken it upon himself to be the Drama Narrator and you know you’ve reached a low point when the dude who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team is the most logical guy at the party. (Told you I couldn’t let it go.)

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Nina chooses Eden. I’m now super jealous of her and these two need more screen time STAT.

Lisa chooses Luke. They may actually be in love I’m not even kidding.

Keira chooses Sam. At least she’ll have brought shampoo with her I guess?

Laurina chooses Blake. Dirty Street Blake is way worse than Dirty Street Pie.

Leah chooses Mac. I legit forgot they were still here.

Tara choose Michael. I guess he’s more interesting than Brett?

Flo chooses….

Flo looking for a decent man to pick…

 

Jake.

She chooses Jake. I have nothing to say about this except I guess Davey can stock up on some more fluoro singlets on his way out of Fiji airport?

Obviously no one chooses Brett and no one really cares about it. (Mate, flights to Fiji are like $309 at the mo – get onto it and take your goddamn girlfriend because a year is a long time!)

Soz Davey. As Tay Swift might say, “Cos the players gonn get played, played, played, played, played.”

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 1: Tropical Hormone Soup

26 Mar

Look, the fact that I felt compelled enough to persevere with writing this on my crappy laptop into the night and not on the fancy work computer should say enough.

Basically I HAVE BEEN PEAKING FOR THIS FOR MONTHS, GUYS.

Forget the Married at First Sight losers, I am all about the Bachie losers who are so ready to get themselves a radio gig and a free membership at Fitness First. (That’s a joke I used on twitter and NBD, Osher liked it I have proof.)

 

We are definitely all very interesting and definitely not here for a job on Nova FM.

 

BIP is a dream of a reality show where all the losers from past Bachelor seasons go to a tropical island to get naked and f***eyed and spend another couple months doing a whole lot of nothing to boost their Instagram profiles. In other words – my dream job.

Osher greets us in some v privileged-white-person part of Fiji,  wearing an adorable hawaiian shirt because #tropical, while Barry Manilow’s back catalogue plays in the background.

 

Welcome back, Tropical Osher.

 

The first to greet him is crowd favourite and all-round Gold Coast gal, Tara, last seen being elected Duchess of the Friend Zone on Matty J’s season. She is still adorable and still, “so excoited.” Bless her. She hot foots it to the bar where she meets Wise who is far too good and pure for this world please give him a spin off show. Stay tuned for some bangers from Wise.

 

I have a PhD in economics. 

 

Meanwhile, Tara better walk out of this with some semi-decent man candy or I’mma be pissed.

Next is Michael Turnbull who has apparently run out of terrible entrepreneurial ideas since he was given the arse by Sam Frost. He’s decided to return to reality tv and hope no one remembers that he pretended to be on the Australian soccer team.  (Except I remember, Michael. I remember.)

The next two people to arrive are basically the equivalent of each other and, therefore, will most likely hook up but it won’t be that interesting because they are far too normal for this shit – Luke and Lisa. Luke was the tall glass of water Sophie Monk was meant to pick, and Lisa’s other name is Dodged a Bullet after Blake Garvey didn’t pick her and then do a sad break up photo shoot with her in New Idea.

BUT WAIT! CLOSE UPS OF BIRDS LOOKING SCARED AND FLYING AWAY AND HORROR MUSIC AND DRUMS IS THERE A CYCLONE OR SOME KIND OF DISASTER ABOUT TO STRIKE THE ISLAND WHAT’S GOING ON I’M AFRAID?!!

Oh hang on, it’s the producer’s subtle intro music for Leah; the villain from Matty J’s season who everyone hates because she had the gall to try and kiss him IN FRONT OF HIS OTHER GIRLFRIENDS! And she was also mean or something but I honestly don’t remember.

She’s followed by Davey who was on Sam Frost’s season of Bachelorette and whose biggest accomplishments since leaving the show include moving out of his parents house and adding to his collection of fluro singlets from Ozmosis.  He’s been flirting with Florence over Insta lately which is a real thing now so I guess he’s hoping she’ll be here.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! HERE SHE IS!

Florence strolls on in like she owns the joint in a matching bikini top and skirt and honest to God I am 100% here for her.

 

Queen Florence, 2018. 

 

She also mentions the flirting she’s been doing with Davey on the internets and this concerns me because Davey is basically every f***boi from the Gold Coast and Flo is a majestic Dutch unicorn.

Everyone else arrives but as Osher explained, more and more people will continue to show up over the coming days so basically this is just a revolving door of naked people who all look similar, so they better get themselves some D or V or at least come up with some sort of half-baked drama or they be saying bye bye to paradise.

The other people who arrive include Brett who no one recognises but apparently sported blonde tips in his season with Sophie Monk. Thankfully, it seems that dying over them has been his main focus since. They have to make up some sort of drama about Brett maybe having a girlfriend back home otherwise there is literally no other reason for him to be here apart from being filler in board shorts.

 

New phone, who dis?

 

Also from Sophie’s reject pile is Eden who I feel like no one ever gave enough credit to because he has a super cool kiwi accent and mad break dancing skillz and introduces himself as a shark surgeon. So far, he is the only dude with a personality.

This includes Jake, who calls himself second runner-up in Georgia Love’s season. You may remember him as the dark haired Lothario who wore a hideous pinky ring and has since been very busy auctioning himself off for charity.

Finally, Nina from Sam Wood’s season turns up and I vaguely remember her as being very unhappy about intruders and starting some kind of war against them but I also could be over exaggerating which doesn’t sound like me at all.

Anyway, time for some DER-RAMA!

Osher explains that each week, the power of the rose ceremony will switch between the men and the women and of course the first group to have the power will be the women because #feminism. Also they haven’t even bothered introducing some sort of fancy, special white/orange/magic rose or just plain sex rose because all everyone here plans to do is bone in their tiki huts 24/7. There is literally no time for any of that white rose nonsense.

Anyway, the der-rama goes as follows: Flo and Davey have been Insta flirting as Flo is yet to realise Davey doesn’t know that Dutch isn’t a country. However, Flo ALSO met Jake at that celebrity Family Feud taping and, according to Flo, they, “talked on Instagram, got smashed and hooked up.” I wish I could say, same here, babe, but I don’t like to leave the house I have no idea how that works.

 

Literally how I imagine Davey talking to Flo.

 

Jake and Davey are both despo to impress her but Davey has also caught the eye of Leah who pretends not to care but then giggles like a drunk maniac every time they talk. Behind Leah’s back, Davey begs Flo to give him a rose, but then when he gets to choose someone to go on a date with, he completely 180’s and picks Leah.

This is dating in 2018, guys. This is why I don’t like to do things.

Leah and Davey go on this super not-awkward date to 100 metres away from everyone else, and it is precisely at the moment they kiss that I realise this entire show is just being the sober person at a club watching all the drunk people desperately make out. I.e. not fun but also a little bit fun.

 

This is our life now, guys. 

 

Flo is pissed at Davey for being such a f***boi obviously but she’s also mad at Jake because Tara told her he is the biggest f***boi on the Gold Coast ever which is saying something really because I used to live on the Gold Coast and honestly the thirst levels there are pretty spectacular.

Cue the beginning of what is sure to be an epic smack down between Jake and Davey over who is the biggest F***boi on Bachie Island. Honest to God, the hormones flying around on this island must make it very difficult to concentrate. It’s Tropical Hormone Soup.

Now, I never do this, but I gotta give the producers some credit here. It seems they aren’t even trying to hide behind a facade of romance and good sportsmanship, because their next move is to allow Jake to pick the next date. Yeah, the producers aren’t here for romance. They’re here to f*** shit up.

The first thing Jake does is call on his boyz to discuss what he should do which is basically just the height of romance and maturity. Even though we know he’s going to pick Flo because he’s despo to bone her again and win this sex triangle and convince her he’s not the biggest sleaze in QLD and he is definitely not going to honour the bro code and not pick her because Davey likes her. Are you following all of this so far? It’s very complicated.

 

Oi, lets go to Goldfingers.

 

Despite Davey telling Jake not to take Flo because she’s his, Jake obviously picks Flo anyway because boyz discussions are just for show and women are property to fight over.

Oh and he asks her out with a straw in his mouth.

Florence, you deserve so much better than this.

Tune in tonight to find out who will win the next round of Biggest F***boi on Bachie Island.

 

 

*Edit* I wasn’t sure whether to actually include this at all, but I thought it worth mentioning that, yes, I acknowledge that Blake has also shown up this season but I am refusing to write about him because he is a terrible person who beats people up and I hate him.

 

 

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Serious Business

10 Aug

Guys this might just be my most important recap in the history of all the sarcastic recaps I have ever written.

And it has nothing to do with the “sudden” DER-RAMA that wasn’t really der-rama at all last night. (Some girl called Sian wasn’t feeling it with the Matty vibes and yeah…that’s about it. He took her outside and they were both like kthanx byyyyyyye!)

No.

It’s also nothing to do with the fact that a lot of the women jumped out of a plane and one of them cried.

It ALSO has nothing to do with the fact that one of the girls revealed she used to be in the Hockeyroos aka THE FUNKING OLYMPICS which seems like something I would normally latch right onto like a fox terrier.

None of these things.

It has everything to do with this:

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE YOUR ENROLMENT DETAILS ARE UP TO DATE AND YOU VOTE YES FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY ON THIS STUPID PLEBISITE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WRITING ABOUT THIS FARCICAL HUSBAND COMPETITION WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST TO BE STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLES.

 

“This is just offensive.”

 

I mean, in a way, it’s kind of similar to the way the producers are assholes to the girls on this show e.g. purposefully having the girl with the morbid fear of heights jump from 14000 feet whilst being filmed. So if that kind of thing makes you angry, please take a moment to try and redirect that anger towards this revolting parade of discrimination and time-wasting.

 

“Gee, when was the last time I checked my enrolment?”

 

Oh, and make sure you remember that, once you vote YES, you remember to send that sucker back which sounds pretty simple but I barely have any clue about where my closest post box is.

 

“Am I even enrolled? Better check brb.”

 

Choose love y’all.

 

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

The Bachelor Season 5: A Matt(ch) made in heaven

28 Jul

I really do not know how I’m going to get through this season.

It dawned on me that the drive and burning passion I have had behind me in all previous seasons was largely due to the fact that I secretly/not-so-secretly hated the actual Bachelor. I certainly made an idiot of myself last year when I was all Go Richie! You and your ropes don’t need Sam Frost, you’re adorable I hope you find much love and bananas! But then was rudely made the fool of when it turned out Richie was the dude equivalent of a pack of Sun Rice Long Grain.

So obviously I am extremely nervous about this whole Matty J sitch. I really like him. And I’ve christened him Matchie already and I’m really proud of that. Plus I am highly vain and desperate to please everybody, so the fact that a handful of people asked if I would keep doing these recaps was enough to spur me into action because being accepted by every single person I ever meet is important to me. IT’S A NEVER-ENDING ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION!

Am I getting on your nerves yet? Buckle in, y’all.

On with the der-rama!

So of course the powers that be at Channel 10 HAD to show us that awful replay of Georgia ripping out Matchie’s heart and stomping a big, fat “LEE 4EVA” in the remains with her Love boots. Again. Honestly, I cannot bear to watch that another damn time.

But I guess that was an important reminder because, cut to the J Household (no srzly, what is his last name? Jones? J-Man? Johannesburg?) and Matchie’s entire family are basically running the We Hate Georgia Love Club. So I guess it was relevant.

Lots of shots of their white and blue-themed boat house mansion and Matty’s biceps playing in the pool with his definitely-not-for-sympathy-or-fertility-mongering nephew George.

Let’s go tingle some ovaries, Uncle Matt!

Blah blah, Matty is still super hot and super sweet and doesn’t wear shirts often which I am fine with and is looking for true love on a reality show but now I’ve lost trust in this program and am basically waiting for him to turn into a big fat dud.

I’ll show you my Cool Bananas? 

LET’S BEGIN!

Before we know it, Matchie is all dressed up in his suit and arrives at the Mansion That Spotlight Built, wondering if the “MJ luvs GL” he scratched into the walls is still there.

What is definitely still there, and as reliable as ever, is Osher. Obviously it’s premiere night and Osh can’t break out the organic hemp shirt just yet which is a shame, but he looks v v dapper in his black tie.

However, that doesn’t stop Matchie from telling Osher that he doesn’t actually believe in love at first sight, which is suuuuuper inconvenient for this show. Osher just nods and says, “interesting” or something and does a really good job of masking all the disappointed yelling coming through his earpiece.

Alix is the first one to step out of the limo of dreams. No, that’s not a typo; it is Alix, not Alex. Am I the only one bothered by dumb spelling of names? Probably. But it makes it sound like a cough syrup, yo.

Anyway, Alix explains she is a professional body painter, and yes she felt the need to say professional and yes, apparently that can be a real full time job. She even body painted her own wrist, so basically she is Peeta from The Hunger Games. I would ask if she bakes bread too, but she doesn’t look like she’s eaten a carb for a solid decade, so…

I really hope it comes to this 

Next up is Tara who they do a whole back story piece on so obviously she will be staying for at least a couple of weeks. Tara is a nanny and I’ve already decided she’ll be the Cool Girl of the season because she says “stoked” a lot and has the balls to call Matchie “mate”. Obviously she can’t win now, but I dig her enough.

Some chick called Laura shows up and talks about the rumors being true, but Matty doesn’t know what rumors she’s referring to so he just laughs. But she also mentioned bringing a Cobb loaf so I got distracted because aforementioned Cobb loaf does not appear.

Next is Cobie who we know will be super zany because she’s brought helium balloons with her to suck at. I would usually insert some sort of judgmental/suggestive joke here about sucking things, but sucking on helium balloons and singing war cries at the school swimming carnival was basically how I hooked my first boyfriend in 1996. I feel so connected to this woman.

Next is a short parade of white chicks in white dresses who all look the same.

But then to prove to us that they do cater to ethnic diversity, the producers throw us Laura Anne, who is, so far, the least white girl we’ve seen. Her ovaries are also tingling which suggests some sort of ethnic voodoo witchery, obviously.

Speaking of ovaries, there appears Natalie, who spends her days buried to the elbows in vaginas and placentas and who I’ve decided is this season’s Luna Lovegood. Obviously I am all about her immediately because she admits to being a crazy Instagram stalker and uses swear words – HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO CRAZY AMIRIGHT?! Well, it gets better because she ends up getting a terrible case of Moist Tourettes where she just keeps saying “moist” a lot and Matchie isn’t sure whether he is being Punk’d by one of the interns. I really hope she wins.

 

Love you, bae.

More women arrive in cut out dresses and boob tape and Matty continues to comment on how stunning they are.

Lisa is another tall blonde in red who will most likely win because her arrival music was The Bachelor equivalent of when Belle appears at the top of the staircase in Beauty and the Beast. 

Belinda is a professional “Love Coach” who has decided it wise to enter into a national husband competition to find true love, so I’m not 100% sold on her credentials at this point. She’s brought an egg timer with her that she switches on, demanding Matty stare into her eyes, while the timer literally counts down the seconds until her fertility runs out. It’s riveting.

An amazing woman called Akoulina “presents herself as a present” and asks if Matty accepts her because feminism has really come leaps and bounds in Russia. And continuing on with my Harry Potter comparisons, her arrival is basically on par with when Fleur Delacour fronted up at Hogwarts doing her ridiculous gymnastics routine. She also claims she is going to “wrap Matty up in my love and in my ribbons,” which means sex. Or STI’s. I’m not sure yet.

Finally, Leah is obviously the big, nasty villain this season, because as soon as her Lipstik heel hits the pavement, the sweet, whimsical music switches to the opening credits of The Walking Dead. She dares to mess Matchie’s hair up which does not impress him one iota so she is clearly evil. She tries to recover by throwing a heap of sexual innuendo at Matty, hoping to get innhisendo. Also she is dressed in black. Because villain.

Something something I’m talking about sex. 

That’s all I recall from the driveway round up. Maybe chuck in a couple more awkward white girls with little personality, plus a police officer, a foreigner and some girl who wears a terrible sash she got from Lombards that has been slightly blurred out and now all I can focus on is figuring out what terribly offensive text Channel 10 felt the need to shield us from.

COCKTAIL PARTY!

Straight away everyone hates Leah because she is the villain wearing a black “naked” dress which is actually the same dress that Jen is wearing in white, but no one says anything about that because villains wear black and we hate them.

Tara tries to say hello to Villain Leah but Villain Leah doesn’t see her because there are probably a hundred cameras in front of her and she is most likely drunk already. But that doesn’t stop the other bitches bitching about how awful Leah was to Tara and then someone makes a comment about how they’ve met nicer people at Aldi and HOW DARE YOU I SHOP AT ALDI AND I’M LOVELY!

WHAT DID ALDI EVER DO TO YOU?!

Once Matchie arrives though, everyone is suddenly less drunk and less bitchy until Osher reveals to them that there is a new twist to this season, and unfortunately it doesn’t involve the White Sex Rose. Sigh. Maybe I’ll start a Pozible campaign or something for that one.

Anyway, this year, some genius at Channel 10 has created The Secret Garden which SOUNDS like a sex den (squeeee!) but is actually just a cordoned off area in the regular garden with some extra fairy lights. But obviously this is all anyone can think about now.

DER-RAMA! The lights go off and everyone thinks Matchie is already pashing one of the bitches, but then, from the depths of the Secret Garden, a glowing figure emerges. Is it the entertainment? Is it Osher performing some sort of sacrifice ritual? Or has someone just straight up set themselves alight?

None of the above are correct. It’s *gasp* ANOTHER CONTESTANT!

Her name is Ellora and yeah…she twirls fire sticks and now Matty definitely wants to bone her.

Do they sell these sexy fire sticks at Bunnings?

But before the bitches can shove Ellora’s fire sticks somewhere I can’t mention on here, fresh drama develops when someone calls Jennifer’s dress “putrid”. Which is pretty funny considering Leah is wearing the same dress in black, but I guess she is the villain so we have more important things to hate her for.

Jennifer is, unsurprisingly, beyond devastated, even though one of the wardrobe assistants picked the bloody thing out for her and the comment was made by a drunk woman trying to compete for her potential boyfriend. Grain of salt, babe, grain of salt. This judge of dresses is apparently called Elizabeth or Liz and now Jennifer and her dress can think of nothing else but ejecting her from the room and from the competition.

All of the dresses on this show are terrible.

Oh yeah, and Natalie farts. Everyone is disgusted or extremely shocked which seems a little bizarre considering Natalie is a human with a functioning digestive system.

Is it just me, or does this seasons’ bevy of bitches seem SAVAGE?

ROSE CEREMONY

Literally nothing exciting happens except the girl with the weird sash doesn’t get a rose.

Obviously Joan Rivers aka Liz gets a rose because Jennifer hates her and Jennifer is super surprised that the super moral and empathetic producers would allow this to happen.

I’m really looking forward to her choices of outfits in the coming days.

Jennifer did not do her research on this show.