The Bachelor: Bitches Ahoy!

17 Oct

Crazies off the port bow!

Last time we met, I was salivating over the bitches of ‘The Bachelor’ fannying about on a farm in designer boots and wool-blend vests.  This week, the motley crew landed in Western Australia, but not before sailing the seven seas and (for one lucky nutcase) stomping through mangroves for crabs.  The sea creature, not the STD.

Within the first five minutes of the group setting off for Broome, we had Ali proclaiming how excited she was and that she really really hoped Tim would be there.  *face palm*.  Don’t worry, sweetheart, I think it’s safe to say he and his shirtless pecs will be involved.

My bestie has so accurately nicknamed her Terrifying Disney Princess.  Seriously.  Can’t you just imagine sexy dress-ups at her house?  Nightmares.

Anyway, turns out Bachelor Chesty Bonds was waiting for them aboard a luxury catamaran aptly titled ‘Karma’.  High-five channel 10.  But der-rama struck when Natalie lamented that she had a serious phobia of boats and would not be going.  Gurl, that ain’t no boat.  That a floating high-class brothel.  With alcohol. If there was ever an appropriate time to face your fears, this be it!

Turns out they can’t hear me when I yell at them through the television screen and Natalie firmly remained on land.  But didn’t you just love the cinematography of her looking forlornly out to sea whilst reclining on a beachside hammock?  What a terrible affliction she must be living with.  (Secretly I think she was too afraid to go swimming in case the others noticed her man junk, just bee tee dubs.  Too harsh?)

But poor old Nat was quickly forgotten and the bitches were all half-naked and frisky before you could say ‘nip slip’.  And nip slip indeed, when lawyer-whose-never-had-a-boyfriend-Anna expertly backflipped off the boat and ‘accidentally’ lost her bikini top in the process.  Well bloody played.  It’s like we could be related.

It should be mentioned at this point that I’ll-take-any-opportunity-I-can-get-Penny was fast taking over Ali in the GlennClose/Fatal Attraction stakes.  Her desperation was more obvious than her hair extensions.  Rubbing that sunscreen onto Tim’s firm, bronzed chest like her life depended on it.  But lucky for her, the Goddess of Crazy smiled and for her efforts Pen got some alone time with Bachelor Wet Head. And that was when Shit. Got. Real.

The lights dimmed and it was like the soundtrack to ‘Dirty Dancing’ struck up in the background.  This was Penny’s big moment.  And she screwed it in the most royal and entertaining way.  It was quite literally the definition of word vomit.  It was like ALL the feelings were just busting out all over the place. At one point, Tim made the very astute observation that she was crying.  “It’s joy!” She exclaimed as the waterworks streamed down her face.  Babe, that ain’t joy.  That’s yo crazy spilling out of your body in liquid form.  Then all of a sudden she was talking about her epileptic cat and how her name’s Pepper and then the person experiencing the joy was yours truly, clapping with bitchy delight as this amazing moment unfolded in front of me.  The cameras barely touched on Bachelor Tim.  Probably for the best though, considering he has the emotional depth of a teabag.

It was just the most beautiful overshare I’ve ever seen.  You know like your batty old Aunty Doris who gets drunk at weddings and tells you about her dog’s bowel movements?  It was better than that.  Because, unlike Penny, Doris isn’t trying to impress you.  She’s just happy to be talking to someone with functioning ears.  Penny is on a show trying to get this hunk of man meat to marry her!  It will go down as one of my Top 5 moments of the season.

The one-on-one date this week went to Anna.  Again.  And don’t try and tell me it wasn’t because she got her boobs out. The other bitches were SO PISSED.  But, just quietly, going crabbing in the mud is not my ideal date situation.  So they didn’t really miss much.

 Later, at the cocktail party, Tim, flexed his observational muscles again, saying the gathering seemed very quiet.  Considering the eight bitches that are left have been living together for weeks on end and trying to get the same man to fall in love with them, it’s really no surprise they’d tired of discussing lipgloss and cosmetic surgeons.

But then, surprisingly, Sarah was getting all up in his grill.  It was bloody great.  Because up until now, the woman had been coming off as so sweet she was giving me diabetes.  But girlfriend was not having it this week!  She was all, “…try and understand it from my perspective,” and really gave Tim’s resting vague face a good workout. (Speaking of resting faces, doesn’t Danni just have the most premium resting bitch face?)   And even better, when he offered Sarah a rose at the ceremony, there was no gushing, no sickening, “Of COURSE I will!”  All he got was, “Yep.”  And then she took that bloody rose and her newfound tude and Tyra Banks’d her way over to the other bitches.  Bravo.

As you might have guessed, poor Penny lost out.  Sweetie, you gave it all away.  If there’s one thing I know about men, it’s that they like a bit of mystery.  And veto the cat talk.  Come on, don’t say you weren’t surprised.  But I do hope she can salsa her way into some hunky, cat-loving man’s life one day.

Until next time me hearties.

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