Far out, guys; this is becoming more and more like the Sex Hunger Games every day, because they are just throwing new people in left, right and centre!
But despite this, I’m starting to get a sinking feeling that every single episode is going to be virtually the same and, let me tell you, that shit is going to get old faster than you can say Malibu & pineapple.
So it’s the day after the Rose Ceremony and everyone is doing what they do best and chilling by the pool with a bevvy, talking about the Rose Ceremony.
Normal Lisa makes an eagle-eyed observation that it’s barely 10 in the morning and already the dudes have backed riiiiight off, which is probably just due to stress relief and definitely not to do with the fact that they are playing a game with each other’s feelings.
I forget how, but somehow Keira ends up talking to Michael and he explains she’s going to give him a “tar-ott” reading with her angel cards. I love me some wu-wu shit and was looking forward to witnessing an in-depth look into Michael’s abs aura. Unfortunately, they’re somewhat interrupted by the fact that Keira has just scored herself a date card and, considering her now deep spiritual connection with the man who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team, she decides to take Michael to get to know him better.
And also because the poor girl can’t be stuck with Uncle Sam all the time, no judgement babe.
Their date is kind of like the time in primary school when I told a boy in my class that I liked him and then he told me he really liked my friend and so I went home and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.
HAHA nah it’s cool if you wanna talk about Tara this whole time HAHAHAHAHA
Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen for Michael and Keira.
But no matter, because Jarrod’s here and he is READY FOR THE WOMEN HE EVEN GREW STUBBLE.
I mean, bless him, he tries so hard to be super smooth and make an impression straight away, asking Lisa to show him around and then Laurina if she’d like to chat, but these women are waaaaayyy too wise on his past behaviour and not-so-subtly keep a safe distance.
Meanwhile, Tara is doing a bang-up job of pretending that she doesn’t care that Michael went on a date with Keira without asking her and honestly it’s no big deal just would have been nice to check and seriously I’m not mad about it I wonder if they’re having a terrible time because that would be kind of funny not to be mean but honestly like I said we haven’t kissed or anything so I don’t mind does anyone know the combination to Keira’s tiki hut?
This is kind of like the time in primary school when the boy I liked took my friend to the movies instead of me and I told everyone it was totally fine but then I didn’t speak to her for a week and write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.
Except the difference here is that Michael actually does spend the entire date saying super romantic things to Keira…about Tara. He even brings back his grass helmet for her as a memento of his date with another woman. Cuuuuuuute.
But by this time, Tara has already commiserated with Uncle Sam and it turns out they might have chemistry and guys I’m super worried because Tara is way too good for Sam and his follicle ecosystem, not that Michael is that much better, but I guess at least he’s seen his hairdresser in the last 12 months and doesn’t stare at women’s boobs all the time.
Honestly, we need to do something about this.
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
Tara is cold as ice on Michael’s return and for a minute there I genuinely felt quite sorry for him but then I remembered who the f*** I was and what the f*** I was watching and my feelings went away.
Anyway.
Enter Ali.
You may remember Ali as the Stage 5 Clinger from the very first season of Bachie where she spent a lot of time being wide-eyed and slack-jawed over Bachie Hair Gel, Tim Robards. Well, in the 5 years since then, she’s met another guy, gotten engaged and then ended the engagement and now she’s entered the Sex Hunger Games in the hope of finding a genuine man to marry. Good to see her expectations are more realistic these days.
Look, the thing is she IS very good looking and I kind of couldn’t blame the guys for straight up just staring at her like when Scooby-Doo sees a box of Scooby Snacks.
Pictured: All the dudes on Bachelor in Paradise
Jake is frothing over her and Florence is piiiiiiissed. Honestly Flo, I don’t know what you expected from this Gold Coast F*** Boi! In fact, watching Flo be super cold and bitchy to Ali was difficult; it’s not her fault the guy you said you couldn’t trust finds her attractive and will probably try to get in her pants. That’s just basic maths.
You mean…there aren’t any genuinely decent men on this Sex Island?
Anyhoo, it all gets a bit confusing now but basically Jarrod’s hyperhydrosis is in over drive over Ali, but then Keira arrives back from her date with Michael and she is OVERJOYED that Jarrod is here which is kind of cute and then they start chatting and you can tell Keira really likes him because she compliments him on being really tanned when really he’s just sunburnt AF.
And then because he has spoken to two blonde women Jarrod thinks he’s in a love triangle.
Bless.
Finally, to really get the der-rama ramped up for the evening, the third person is being let into the Sex Compound by Osher and it’s none other than Megan Marx, the bisexual queen who dumped Richie and ran off with another contestant.
She’s hoping Jake and/or Ellora are here as she’s “been chatting,” to both of them and honestly, does Jake EVER get off Instagram DMs?? His mobile data must be through the roof, just quietly.
Osher tells her she has the power to take someone on a date but instead of just letting her pick someone like a regular grown ass woman, they sit her down and make her pick from a menu of characteristics that could belong to anyone on the island because #bisexual.
But because the producers are literally here to just f*** with everyone, they pretend she’s “picked” Jake but actually, that can’t be true because she said she didn’t like people who were too motivated and if Jake’s constant need to auction himself off on social media isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.
No, this is just to f*** with Flo.
And it works because her European Rage factor goes to 11 and I’m scared about what might happen to Megan when she actually arrives.
Megan and Jake have a romantic date on the entrance steps to the compound and then Jake asks Megan to go sit on the comfortable couch conveniently placed behind them and then proceeds to do super f*** boi things like tease her for not liking him as much as he likes her and brushing imaginary stray hairs out of her face.
Honestly, I really hope this is another set up for Megan to dump some dude’s ass for a better woman. i.e. Ellora.
They walk back to the Sex Compound but not before Jake plants one big dirty pash on her before Florence can get wise and it kind of reminds me of that time in primary school when the boy I liked kissed another girl behind the exit door at a Blue Light Disco but I totally saw it and then write-cried about it in my Total Girl diary.
Pictured: Me after every time I wrote in my Total Girl diary.
Okay I think that’s everything.
Stay tuned for what is sure to be an epic love triangle in Jarrod’s head.
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