So I asked my housemate if she’d seen tonight’s episode. She hadn’t. But then she said, “Let me guess; people went on dates, then bitches got cray, then there was pashing, then someone cried, then drinking, then someone got mad, then they all went home.”
Correct.
Welcome to the episode also known as “Channel 10 Needed to Fulfil it’s Contractual Agreements to it’s Sponsors.” But not wanting to skip ahead too far just yet…
No shirtless/rowing/swimming/stripping Blake tonight. Instead, straight to the bitches fannying about on the outdoor setting with their cups of Jarrah Instant Cappuccino. For once, Canadian Horse Whisperer Amber appears to be in a pleasant mood after being fed her required bacon and maple syrup for breakfast. But after her rose tanty last week, Laurina’s eyebrows point out that Blake doesn’t want high maintenance. Obviously she would know, she compared jumping out of a plane on a reality show with The Passion of The Christ. Because perspective.
Osher finishes making his zucchini pasta in time to get back to the mansion with a date card. Chantal is so excited, she wore her best coogee jumper. While Osher says lots of meaningless things about Blake and dating, the bitches all Ooh and Aah like those little alien toys in Toy Story. And then it hit me: This show IS ‘The Claw’ from Toy Story! Lots of not-so-bright creatures who all look the same sitting around in a confined space waiting to be picked by an inanimate, yet God-like (and probably gay) claw.
I’M A GENIUS! (Osher is Woody, obvi.)
I have been chosen!
Osher’s Assistant Chantal scores the date and Canadian Horse Whisperer can’t believe she ghd-curled her hair for nothing. Chantal is ushered into a waiting limo and taken to the first part of Channel 10’s attempt to keep their sponsors happy; The Darling Hotel. And who DOESN’T love a date in a hotel room by themselves?
Chantal is given a lot of instruction cards about drinking champagne, taking a bath and putting on the world’s most hideous sequinned dress. Because any respectable gay man loves him a little sequinned number, amiright? She gushes about how romantic this date is and Vader hasn’t even shown up yet. Good start.
EVENTUALLY Chantal is allowed into Richard Mercer’s presence and they have a really suggestive talk about fish and stuff. Then things really start heating up when Chantal suddenly explains that her future baby name is Raphael. Vader remembers back to the time he made out with a guy called Raphael at a Full Moon Party. He looks happy too. Then he asks her if she can handle dessert and you’d have to forgive her for thinking “BJ?” but no, it’s actually dessert.
She gushes some more about the intricate, rose-shaped somethin somethin sitting on the table until one of the cameramen nudges her and tells her to look up. Because Adriano Zumbo.
Yep, bloody Adriano is there to promote Masterchef help them on the road to love. He looks embarrassed. But he’s under contract. He explains how to eat their subtly symbolic rose dessert and then goes and joins Osher in his shame cave.
Because Chantal’s explaining skills are really good at explaining things, she explains that all of the other girls will probs be totes jealous of her date with Blake which makes her really emoshi.
Emoshi. My new favourite word.
Oh yeah, Chantal gets a rose.
#totesemoshi
GROUP DATE!
So I’m sitting there wondering what kind of aeronautical mode of transport Vader will be arriving in today. Will it be hot air balloon? Scooter? Unicycle?
OMIGOSH WHAT?! He’s not coming to get them! They have to DRIVE THEMSELVES? What is this travesty of justice?
Oh wait, it’s just another badly disguised sponsor promotion for Ford. For realz, guys. Are things that desperate? Is Osher’s hairdresser costing THAT much money? Surely you could pull back on the 62-diamond bracelets and sequinned dresses instead?
Whatevs, because they arrive at the aptly titled Luna Park for a day of completely unforced frivolity with a chance to get a ride on Blake’s Big Dipper.
So, do you remember back a few weeks to that episode when errybody was just hating on Laurina, and Canadian Horse Whisperer blew her flaps calling her fake and stuff? Well, pretty much that happened again, but just with Jess/Elsa instead of Laurina. IntruderBitch Mary calmly explains that, “I always look for the weakest person so I can hurt them,” while the film crew whip out their garlic and crucifix and run for their lives.
While Mary hunts for her next prey amongst the arcade games, the rest of the bitches continue slagging off Jess/Elsa in the most ridiculous/glorious way. Canadian Horse Whisperer is adamant that drawing attention to oneself for the sake of a guy is not her style because throwing adult tanties every five minutes is considered a mating ritual in Canada. She also says that Jess “monopoleeees Blake” which is just another reason why she needs to stay on this show. Hachael/Holly 2.0 tries again to be upset over Jess’ selfish behavior but ends up just looking the same.
IntruderBitch Anastasia suffers from an acute case of motion sickness but gets on some stupid ride to impress Vader because nothing says true love like flying vomit. Laurina’s eyebrows then reminds us of how classy they are by calling Jess/Elsa fat. Vader is surprised when he notices Cara amongst all the brightly painted clowns and, not realizing she was there, quickly covers up this faux pas by asking her to ride the ferris wheel with him. He gives her a guilt rose, which are obviously the best kind because she looks really happy.
All the bitches then need to prove their love for Richard Mercer by trying to stay on a roulette wheel the longest. Srzly, I was getting sick just watching all of this spinning. Jess/Elsa wins and the others take the news really, really well. Her prize is to sit on a carousel (more bloody spinning) and touch foreheads with Vader. The subtitles come on again when his voice drops a few octaves. Jess/Elsa reassures him she is looking for someone who makes her soul vibrate. Ha! Vibrate.
Apparently they kiss in front of everyone (except the viewing public) and shit. gets. cray.
At the cocktail party of dreams, Laurina’s eyebrows go off chops at Jess/Elsa, asking her if she kissed Blake on purpose. I’m guessing this is because the gravitational pull around Laurina’s face usually means men just get suctioned onto her mouth accidently. All the bitches agree that it was really inconsiderate of Jess to spend time with the guy they all signed up to compete for, except for Lisa who a) got the girls out and b) is suffering from a severe case of logic. I love her.
Jess/Elsa apologises but Laurina’s eyebrows are on a roll. She tells Jess that she’s travelled to 15 countries in 7 years so she knows about humans. Come on guys, she’s been to Bali AND Tasmania; she’s very travel. She accuses Jess of breaking the kissing rule that she just made up. Once Jess/Elsa is crying, Laurina finds Vader and pulls him into the Principal’s office. She says dignity a lot and tries to remember back to more dignified times when he made her sit on a roulette wheel and ride a mechanical bull. Because dignity.
Luckily, Osher shows up just in time for the Rose Ceremony to divert her from swallowing him whole. His hair is a walking advertisement for Volumizing Mousse. Whatever he’s been using, I must have it; it’s bloody glorious.
Laurina’s eyebrows make a feminist stand by pausing a whole 2 seconds before accepting Blake’s rose. Obviously, he’s been schooled.
Vader cannot hide his disappointment that IntruderBitch Anastasia gets motion sickness and so she misses out. I mean, HOW COULD SHE?! Osher steps in and gently assures her his hair will be escorting her out of the mansion. She doesn’t even care.
I’m freeeeeeeee!!!!
All that spinning around and talk of motion sickness was giving me a headache, so I went to bed.
Join me tomorrow for some good, clean and not at all sexist baking fun.
That's What She Said... 
Leave a Reply