Tag Archives: laurina

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 5 & 6: There Is No Funny Title Because Women Are Not Men’s Property

10 Apr

Ok guys, I’m sick with the flu, I’ve got some feminist rage and I’ve had about 16 pseudoephedrine. Strap in.

We have officially hit the point where the Australian dudes are too boring/whiny so they’re bringing in the big guns and by big guns I mean the misogynistic guns with weird faces and American accents.

Americans. The American dudes are here.

Honestly the women look f***ing over the moon to get a break from the smorgasbord of idiots they’ve been hanging around. Unfortunately though, these new offerings don’t seem to be any better.

First to arrive is Grant who is a fireman and has been on Bachie in Paradise US and proposed to some girl called Lace (or Lacey?) and then got matching tattoos with her that said “Grace” and I already hate him.

 

This is a thing that happened. 

 

Mack is still barking up Ali’s tree like a puppy who needs a wee and it’s starting to just get creepy. They go for a swim and Mack just intermittently stares at her and then lays random compliments on thick and fast rather than actually just talking to the woman like a regular human and honestly if this is what Mack thinks a connection is, I fear for him.

Ali makes a comment about how she doesn’t just want to go around pashing everyone and wants her first kiss on Sex Island to be with the man she hopes to leave with. Which is code for she definitely does not want to pash Mack.

Mack doesn’t seem too worried though. As he explains, “I’m falling for her, and I think she’s falling for me in a different way,” which is code for she definitely isn’t falling for you at all.

Jarrod is mad that Mack gave his rose to Ali and ruined Jarrod’s first ever love triangle, but honestly he has been super into Keira this whole time, guys, srzly don’t even worry about it. But he’s pretty P-O’d when Keira shows some interest in Grant because how dare she after he told her she was his second choice. How COULD she do this to him?!

Luckily for Jarrod, Leah swoops in on Grant before he’s even had a chance to get some life advice and a tequila shot from Wais. Grant takes Leah on a single date to the resort next door where they go snorkeling and I have an epiphany about why I might still be single when Leah literally undresses Grant 10 minutes after meeting him and I’m too shy to tell a dude his chair leg is on my skirt.

 

Is this how flirting works now because I quit. 

 

Grant tells Leah this was actually the best date he’s ever been on ever, which seems weird for someone who has been engaged before on this very show but, then again, I’m single, what would I know?

Back on Sex Island ANOTHER American man arrives except he’s actually Canadian but I don’t think any of the contestants know the difference. His name is Daniel and he is basically just a massive set of balls attached to a small head. Again, the girls go crazy for him. Daniel is glad Grant is here so he has another “wolf” to run with and honestly why do white men all think they’re wolves?

Daniel gets to work on who’s banging who and literally points to Lisa and says, “Oh is this yours?” to Luke AND MY VAGINA JUST CRAWLED UP INTO MY STOMACH AND IS NEVER COMING OUT.

Never mind the fact Jarrod’s gone all red again because Keira is now talking to Daniel and he fumes for a while at the camera about how these Americans are here to “take all our women,” which again, doesn’t really endear him to me because women aren’t objects to take but again what would I know.

Because the producers are literally here to f*** with everyone, obviously Daniel has a single date card and he says this weird thing to Keira about how he doesn’t need to take her out as he already knows they have a connection which seems like a fairly backwards way to play it, but Keira has downed at least 5 vodka sunrises and she somehow agrees. Not before Daniel asks her if she’s a “bad girl” while trying to sexily sip on his cocktail. Newsflash fellas, don’t attempt sleazy bedroom eyes outside of the bedroom unless you’re okay with getting laughed at. You suck at it.

He picks Nina who I thought was better than this and what follows is just a five minute montage of sexual harassment.

Honestly, Daniel has barely been in our lives longer than the mi goreng I’m eating and I already have enough feminist rage to burn the place to the ground. When he and Nina approach what looks like a legitimately dangerous river, I am yelling THROW HIM IN much louder than my neighbors would appreciate. Unfortunately, a local happens by and basically tells them they are f***ing idiots for even thinking about it and not even jungle sex is worth nearly dying for. (Okay he didn’t exactly say that but you could see it on his face.)

Oh Blake is still here and he doesn’t like Daniel at all because competition is fine but, “don’t come across as a dick,” which I guess is fair coming from the guy who put another guy in hospital and whose girlfriend’s name he forgot on television.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to sense the theme for this week might be Hypocrisy of the Highest Order.

Lenora has obviously caught a glimpse of Blake’s new hair do and decides maybe he’s not for her. Considering he has put zero effort into their relationship and still isn’t 100% sure her name isn’t Lenora, he seems very shocked.

 

This is also a thing that happened. 

 

Also on the break up train is Ali who is first accosted by Mack telling her he wants to introduce her to his parents after knowing her for 2 days and lord give me strength I’m worried for this guy and what he thinks conversation/dating is.

Ali gently explains that she doesn’t feel the spark with him unfortunately, and considering all he’s done is creep on her and pay her compliments that make her physically uncomfortable, he also seems very shocked.

Mack, babe, when a woman talks to you that doesn’t mean there’s a spark. It just means she’s talking to you. #science.

Returning to the bar for hopefully a little bit of Ali Time, Ali is once again pulled away by Michael who has organised a little unofficial date of his own for her and honestly wtf is the point of the date cards if the contestants can just put down their own rug and cheese platter whenevs? The logic of this show is starting to really mess with me.

 

You wanna go wash your hands? CAN I COME TOO??!!

 

BUT IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST Ali also dumps Michael because she isn’t really feeling it with him either and there could be a chance she’s simply doing it so she can have 5 f***ing minutes to herself, could you blame her?

Oh good God, I’m not even half way you guys this is intense. I’m so sorry.

GOOD NEWS! Something nice and almost genuinely lovely happens and thank f*** for that because I was a bee’s dick away from pledging a life time of celibacy.

 

Current mood.

 

Sam and Tara finally go on a date together and Tara tells Sam she thought he was a dickhead at first and bravo to her but he cops it on the chin, bless him. They make each other cocktails and then sit on a Random Sex Couch trying to summon the courage to kiss each other and I can’t believe this I am really starting to like Sam GODDAMMIT TARA!

Nah but seriously, they do eventually pash and it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to gag because I think they might be in love.

 

I’m still watching you, Sam.

 

The der-rama is wrapped up on Sunday by da boyz sitting around on the rocks being manly and shit. Jarrod is still trying to convince everyone he loved Keira all along but then accuses Mack of “dogging” him by giving Ali his rose when Mack KNEW Jarrod was going to give Ali HIS rose and honestly you are both as annoying as each other please just shush. But just quietly can we bring back the term “dogged” again?

Okay it’s Monday night now and the same shit is happening and Jarrod is redder than ever.

Because I am running out of patience and pain killers to delve into this too much here is the sitch:

Jarrod (claims to) love Keira.

Keira likes Jarrod but wants to bone Daniel.

Nina also likes Daniel and isn’t sure about Eden now and I’m very mad at her because Eden is the best how dare she.

Eden still loves Nina but wants her to make her own decisions plz marry me.

Daniel wants to bone everyone. He literally does not care who it is.

Jarrod thinks women live under rocks and hates playing second fiddle but forgets he literally told Keira she was his second fiddle not 3 days ago.

 

It is so draining being this hypocritical. 

 

Grant and Ali have now hooked up and I literally have no idea how/when that happened.

Leah is full pissed and only speaks in Meal Girls quotes now.

Daniel says he is Gepetto from Pinocchio and all the women are his puppets and honest to God I really hope Channel Ten have purposely chosen these douche canoes to teach the men of Australia how to treat/view/date/talk to women.

 

Pictured: Me as Daniel’s puppet. 

 

A new guy arrives who isn’t Apollo but whose name is also Jared which I think is just mean and confusing. No one really likes him but he asks Meagan on a date and she doesn’t even pretend she wants to go. Nothing happens on their date.

Keira and Jarrod fight and then the next day make out and it’s just very confusing. Jarrod is also very confused by biology because he says that Keira is like Madonna – there’s only one of her but I think he’s forgetting that there’s only one of every single person in the world.

Daniel is still walking around like the human equivalent of a tube of cheap lube. Keira takes him into her hut and makes out with him but we don’t see it, only hear it. I mean, who doesn’t love the sound of two people drunk pashing before 11am?!

I mean, Keira is effectively doing what Jake did to Flo and Meagan last week, but remember this is a woman whose crush told her she was his second choice. Her facial expression after she admits she kissed Daniel is worth sitting through this whole episode and I am HERE FOR IT.

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Ummm…this whole Keira-Daniel-Jarrod-Nina drama continues on for some time until Lenora ALSO says that she’s putting out flirtatious vibes to see what comes back from Daniel, but if you ask me, the only thing coming back from him is probably an STI.

 

Yeah…nah.

 

Because Eden is the best man on this damn island, he approaches Nina and Daniel mid awkward-sex -chat to steal away not Nina, but the Douche King himself. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?! Are they going to punch on? Is Eden going to throw him in the ocean because I heard slimy Canadians can’t swim.

He doesn’t do either of those things but he does give Daniel a stern talking to about not hurting Nina’s feelings and I swear on my life Eden has restored my faith in men for a moment and suddenly I am so goddamn nervous about the Rose Ceremony that I might vomit.

Not to be deterred from spreading his “man eggs” across the island (again, #science) Daniel goes back to a drunk Keira and asks her if he makes her moist. No, that wasn’t a typo.

Uncle Sam takes this opportunity to tell Nina that she is being played by Douchebag Daniel and that Eden is the one who actually cares about her and GODDAMMIT SAM STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU!

ROSE CEREMONY

Before this, we get a glimpse of the gals chatting about their choices tonight and everyone is very honest about wanting to bone Daniel and I am seriously concerned that they’ve been drugged because he is literally the worst.

Leah gives her rose to Michael even though they will never be a thing.

Lisa gives her rose to Luke and I forgot these two were still here but yay.

Tara gives her rose to Sam and he straight up smooches her for it and it’s funking adorable.

Ali gives her rose to Grant even though he is wearing the most hideous onesie.

Meagan gives her rose to Jake because next to Daniel he looks like a goddamn saint.

Nina gives her rose to… (oh dear God I’m sweating I might cry)… EDEN! I actually cheered.

Lenora steps up, looks at Daniel and then…gives her rose to AMERICAN JARED HOLY SHIT THIS WOMAN IS EVERYTHING!

 

Sit the f*** down y’all!

 

Keira looks to be in full panic mode and says ” I don’t know!” before continuing to panic and eventually gives her rose to Jarrod.

WHICH MEANS THE CANADIAN BALLSACK IS GOING HOME AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION BRINGS ME GENUINE JOY!

For a man who thought he had a bunch of roses coming at him, his reaction is less than gentlemanly. Personally, my favorite line as he walked out the gates was, “Whatever, I’ve had sex with a tonne of beautiful women. I don’t care.”

DO YOU, THOUGH DANIEL? DO YOU?!!

Honestly, I have never been more f***ing proud of women on reality television.

#BYEFELIPE

 

If Daniel was on Tinder. 

 

 

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.

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Bachelor In Paradise Ep 2: Are We Even Facebook Official?

27 Mar

Full disclosure guys: up until the last couple of minutes of tonight’s episode, I honest to God still didn’t really know how exactly this whole rose ceremony thing worked. I mean, what I DID know was that the producers are not only trying to f*** with the contestants, but now they are straight up f***ing with us.

But I’ll get to that.

Tonight was a continuation of the competition between Jake and Davey to be the biggest f***boi on Bachie Island and tbh I’m still unclear on who won. We picked up to the part where Jake so gallantly took Flo on a single date to the waterfall behind the resort and now I’ve realised that every single one of these “date” scenarios are just grooming situations for sex. Jake commented that, “it’s been ages since I’ve been on a bush hike,” and I don’t think he was trying to be funny or anything. Strap on in, everyone.

Blah blah blah, he and Flo sit down on a blanket near the waterfall in their bathers and Jake keeps telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s gotta show Florence the real him because he’s determined to get in her pants  her rose. So far it hasn’t been going well for him though as it seems bloody EVERYONE on the Gold Coast has gotten together to make up some sort of conspiracy about him being a sleaze bag which is just super mean and, honestly, how on earth could they have all come to that same conclusion, it’s just so MEAN AND UNFAIR AND DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ACTUAL CHOICES OR HARD EVIDENCE PUN INTENDED.

 

This is a real thing and definitely not the kind of thing a f***boi would do. 

 

Thankfully, Flo doesn’t seem to be buying it and so just sits there looking straight ahead until they open that chilled bottle of champs and all of a sudden they’re in the waterfall/lake thing making out like NBD. God bless alcohol, amiright?

Back at F***boi HQ, Davey is moping around about Jake breaking the bro code and asking Flo out right in front of him even though he likes her and I feel like this same drama is going to dominate the whole episode – can someone please pass me my Spice Girls journal and Fiona Apple cassette tape?

Da boyz are all complaining about how there are more men than women and how some of them will get voted off the island and gender imbalance is just so unfair. One genius jokes about how shit it would be if another dude showed up right now…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THE PRODUCERS WERE F***ING WITH YOU BECAUSE HERE IS ANOTHER DUDE RIGHT NOW!

The f***ing with us has reached Level 8, because the dude that has strolled in is none other than Uncle Sam i.e. He Who Never Cuts His Hair i.e. the man who literally makes my skin crawl and now all I can think about is what this humidity is doing to the thing on his head.

 

Do they sell John Frieda in Fiji??

 

Nina barely notices Sam has arrived, and simply remarks that she’d prefer not to date men who are, “short, blonde and a child,” and she wins Bachelor In Paradise give her the prize money.

Sam wastes no time in complaining how hard this is going to be for him, and that it’s like, “showing up late to a party,” except that it is EXACTLY showing up late to a party. Except it’s a sex party and everyone has already paired off. But no matter, cos we all know him and his dude bro Blake have been gagging to get down to their Aussie Bumz together so this could work out.

Unfortunately for Blake, Sambo makes a beeline for Keira as she is literally the only girl who doesn’t seem to be interested in one particular guy already, and if that isn’t true romance, I don’t know what is. Poor Keira is literally stuck with the “dreads” (dregs) of the group but she runs with it like a champion and still manages to make interesting television…

Unlike our friend Brett over here who I have got a lot of things to say about, despite the fact it’s not even that compelling but this is what this show does to you – makes you care about shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. Get ready.

Remember that whole possibly made up girlfriend he may/may not have on the outside thing? Look, I completely thought that was fake because there was nothing else interesting about the guy. Turns out I was wrong and he has been seeing a woman called Steph who was also on The Bachelor but I’ve personally drawn a blank, not that it matters. Poor Tara was under the impression that he was defs in a relationship with her, everyone was aware, and her ticket to paradise was coming in the mail, so maybe they could just keep him in the show until his lady friend showed up because that seems like a nice thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Tara has inadvertently dobbed on Brett who is rudely accosted by a producer in a singlet while he’s trying to relax on a sex bean bag. The producer is super pissed at Brett for lying about being single and, let me tell you, being pissed while wearing a Hot Tuna singlet and board shorts is super hard to get away with but he somehow manages it anyway because HE IS BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE!

Brett dodges the questions even better than our friend Michael did when 60 Minutes asked him about being on the Australian Soccer Team (no, I’m not going to let it go). But it is here that we learn that, not only is Brett potentially lying about being single so that he can get his lady friend on the show and get a free Fiji holiday and Insta followers out of it, but he is literally the guy who goes out with a woman FOR A YEAR but then only judges the relationship based on whether they are Facebook official or not. And guys, I think we can all agree that that is the real issue at play here and the world has spiralled into a bad, bad place. (Srzly, listening to someone say “We’re not Facebook official or anything like that,” more than once, and as a legit argument, sounds way less funny and way more disturbing than I thought it would.)

Meanwhile, poor Tara is sitting there in the middle of this like…

 

 

Anyway.

This is the most interesting thing that has happened to Brett so far but he is clearly going home tonight because everyone is salty AF with him and when even Normal Lisa is pissed at you, you know you gon’ f***ed up.

Whatever, HERE COME LAURINA!

Welcome back my queen. We are so here for you.

(Osher didn’t greet her or anything, she is literally just waltzing in holding a date card she has got no time to f*** around.)

Idiot Blake pretends he is desperately in love with her straight away and it’s definitely got nothing to do with the fact no other woman has looked twice at him and he’ll be going home tonight. (Srzly, Channel 10, the man is a violent criminal this is no flipping joke.)

Laurina asks him on a date and I’m desperately hoping she’s doing it to punk him and lead him to some Fijian gang on the shore line who plan to sacrifice him in a ceremony that includes a lot of fire or maybe being eaten alive.

No such luck. Boo.

Apparently Laurina has moved way past the Dirty Street Pie debacle and is now v v spiritual and down with the common people, because, when she and Blake find an enormous vase filled with what looks like elephant poop but is apparently mineral mud or some crap, she is 100% fine with it and dives straight in.

What follows is 4 minutes of watching the two of them awkwardly paint each other with the black mud and talk about their energies which is just fancy chat for wanting to bone.

Blake then throws a pash in out of the blue and Laurina gives it 6.2 out of 10 because she hasn’t changed THAT much yet. Obviously she is now going to give him her rose and I could honesty just vom all over my Pinot.

 

This mud is as black as Blake’s soul.

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

I’m not totally sure why they are bothering having Cocktail Parties because this whole f***ing island is just one big cocktail party 24/7 but what would I know?

Jake is deep in the shit with Davey who is suuuuuper pissed about the whole Flo thing and honestly I forgot how terrible party boyz from the Gold Coast are at pretending to be fine. Jake keeps crying about how much he hates drama but then continues to create drama by doing exactly what everyone doesn’t want him to do. #daboyz.

Poor Davey has reached Desperation Station and basically offers his left testicle to Flo in exchange for her rose.

But as any true f***boi would, instead of just telling her he likes her because real feelings are scary, he says, “I definitely wanna spend more time with you,” which is f***boi talk for I’d like to bone you and then ignore you and pretend we’re just mates forever.

 

You mean girls can tell when I’m bullshitting no way that can’t be right?!

 

Look, I will admit that I kiiiiiinda feel a little bit sorry for Davey at this point but then again I think this show has already warped my brain so.

Errr…nothing else interesting happens at the party except Michael has taken it upon himself to be the Drama Narrator and you know you’ve reached a low point when the dude who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team is the most logical guy at the party. (Told you I couldn’t let it go.)

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Nina chooses Eden. I’m now super jealous of her and these two need more screen time STAT.

Lisa chooses Luke. They may actually be in love I’m not even kidding.

Keira chooses Sam. At least she’ll have brought shampoo with her I guess?

Laurina chooses Blake. Dirty Street Blake is way worse than Dirty Street Pie.

Leah chooses Mac. I legit forgot they were still here.

Tara choose Michael. I guess he’s more interesting than Brett?

Flo chooses….

Flo looking for a decent man to pick…

 

Jake.

She chooses Jake. I have nothing to say about this except I guess Davey can stock up on some more fluoro singlets on his way out of Fiji airport?

Obviously no one chooses Brett and no one really cares about it. (Mate, flights to Fiji are like $309 at the mo – get onto it and take your goddamn girlfriend because a year is a long time!)

Soz Davey. As Tay Swift might say, “Cos the players gonn get played, played, played, played, played.”

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: 8 Simple Rules for Dating Multiple Daughters

26 Sep

Guys, guys, guys…. You’re gonna have to keep an eye on me and stop me from losing my shit over the suggested events of next week before I finish this week’s parental wrap-up. Take a breath…yes, there’s a proposal…calm down. We have to get through meeting the in-laws first before that can happen. Baby steps.

OK. I’m good.

Episode opens. Things are back to normal, it would seem. Blake Vader is v v serious about home visits because he is running by water. Then he’s walking by water. Then he’s swimming in water. Then he slow exits from the water. Shit is getting real. Water.

Despite being given an hour and a half time slot tonight, we are wasting no time. Richard Mercer cannot possibly go on any longer without a wife. This is NO time for idle chit chat or mechanical bull riding.

LOUISE

What the shit? She lives in Thredbo? Is this even real? If this IS real life, WHEN has she possibly had the time (or purpose) to fit in all that lipstick wearing? Have you ever seen a skiier shoot down the slopes wearing the new Napolean Neon Nights No-Rub Satin Gloss Matte Pigment Pout Fancy Not-Fancy Loaded Lip Colour? Didn’t think so.

Many snow. Many kissing. Much kissing in the snow. With all this talk of snow, I assume her parents live in an igloo. This is obviously way cool and so I am bitterly disappointed when I find out they live in a regular house with… NO SNOW.

DER-RAMA! Blake Vader is so nervous about impressing one quarter of his girlfriends’ parents that he spills his champs all over Louise’s non-lipstick wearing father. It’s really serious, guys. Everyone looks concerned. How will Louise recover from this? Obvi, if she really loved him, she would take the blame for Richard Mercer’s boo-boo and apologise. But she doesn’t. It’s not looking good.

After Dad changes into clean dacks, he questions Bachie about his intentions and why he likes his lipstick-wearing daughter so much.

“I really liked Louise’s lipstick and she baked the bestest cake for me, like ever.”

Dad says he can’t ask for anything more than that.

Call me crazy, but maybe not dating three other women might have been a smart suggestion…

 

louise dad

You owe me new pants, dude

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial x2*

 

SAM

Sam tells us she’s from, “…the Mornington Penninsula.” Now, I know there are a few of you readers out there who are not from Melbourne so I’mma give you a quick Geography lesson; Mornington Penninsula is a fairly large and general area to the south of Melbourne and is the phrase most people use when they don’t want to tell you they actually come from Frankston. Which makes a lot of sense, considering Sam’s two-toned roots and disturbing penchant for bronzer.

They kick off home visit with a classy stop at the Penninsula Hot Springs. Because nothing says romance quite like marinating in other people’s dead skin cells. (Look, I have been there. Those baths are communal, people, COMMUNAL!)

After their little dip, they arrive at Sam’s sisters house. Sam’s sister is obviously from the same Victorian School for Feminism as Sam because she explains that, “…being married is just the best thing.”

There is hope for Sam, though, because Sister evidently has a good hairdresser. Hopefully during their really natural and secret talk on the front lawn, she gave Sam his number.

At dinner everything is going really well and I am dying a little bit over Sam’s younger brother Josh who is, like, 10. But just while everyone is enjoying their $10 Savvy B, Sam panics and seems to only just now realise there are three WHOLE OTHER GIRLS wanting to marry her boyfriend.

Vader chases her outside, and, I’m really sorry guys, but I gotta say this (cover your eyes if you don’t like predicted spoilers): He loves her. Just pick her, already. But don’t because I really want to watch the last two episodes. But seriously.

Richard Mercer basically asks Sam to tell him that he is her effing soulmate and she can’t because…you know, feelings feelings, polygamy, walls, polygamy etc. He looks very upset. He explains that her guard went up again and she was obviously doubting herself, which is bloody ridiculous because he only has three other potential wives, HOW VERY DARE SHE.

 

LISA

Lisa is a Sunny Coast girl. From Noooooooosa. Because Noosa beach is, “outdoorsy.” Nooooooosa.

Umm, guys… LISA IS RICH!

Yeah, no big deal, her family just live in a waterfront mansion across from Lisa Curry-Kenny’s place. Because money.

 

lisa-curry-kenny

#neighbours

 

Nothing dramatic happens because Lisa and her rich family are normal and her dad doesn’t even give two shits because if she doesn’t win he will just buy her a husband.

Lisa, if you’re reading this, I will wife you.

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial*

 

JESS

Soo….this is really awkward. Jess/Elsa isn’t taking Blake Vader to her family home. She is having him meet her AT A FREAKING CARAVAN PARK! Apparently this is because she had many a happy family vacay here as a little one, but I am not sold. I have a really bad feeling her actual house is where they’ve been keeping Osher locked up in between episodes and forcing him to watch Ready, Steady Cook. 

Blah blah blah they meet on the beach and have fish and chips and stare at each other and sexy forehead touch and speak really slowly about feelings. Then Jess/Elsa tells Vader that, should she win, she would want them to just date and NOT live together at first like any regular couple. Can anyone believe that came out of her mouth? It is pretty much the most normal thing she has said for the last 2 months. Consequently, Blake no likey.

Back at the Blue Dolphin, Mr & Mrs Jess have hired out one of those mega fancy cabins that us middle class slappers used to gawk at while chasing bush turkeys back to our crappy tent.

After doing some manly stuff (fishing) with Mr Jess, Richard Mercer returns to Cabin Versailles and takes Jess/Elsa outside again for more sexy forehead touching. She talks a lot about putting things on tables and Bachie pretends that it means something important.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Woah. Things are bloody #sombre. There is no cocktail party or pre-drinks or any general merriment. Osher floats in on his hair cloud for a moment and reminds us that things are really serious.

Lisa gets a rose.

Louise gets a rose. (And cries.)

My mouth was actually gaping at this moment…the moment that I realised that maybe I cared a bit too much about this show.

Jess/Elsa is taken outside for a last sexy forehead touch, I presume? No, no that’s not it; Vader is v conflicted and asks Jess/Elsa to tell him that he is the man for her. Like, THE man. Obviously, because she is Jess/Elsa and everything ever is amazing and awesome and this show is really about love, she strokes his ego with her slow talking and confirms that this is true. She goes back inside.

Sam looks pissed.

Blake Vader picks up the last rose *gasp*…he looks like he’s about to say something…. but something is wrong *gasp*…. something is happening to his face.

THIS…

 

crying

Strippers have feelings too

SAAAAAH MUCH EMOTION.

HOLY CRAP GUYS, JESS/ELSA IS GOING HOME! Even though she told him EXACTLY what he wanted to hear, she is a big, slow-talking loser whose fancy cabin just doesn’t fit in with the Bachie lifestyle.

The poor pet.

She handles it like any Disney princess and drives off into the night on her snowmobile. But before I can feel anymore sympathy, I see the teaser for next week’s finale and I JUST CANNOT DEAL!

I need to stem my flow…. I don’t know if I can make it to next Thursday…

Please join me for the final two installments in this Bachelor journey next week. I will try and be funny while I deal with the inevitable loss. But I can’t make any promises…

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One With All the Losers

25 Sep

The losers bitches are back, peeps!

So, because The Bachelor is all about female empowerment and reminding us women just how bloody awesome we are, tonight’s episode centres around the following premise: Hey, all you ladies threw yourselves at this guy and he rejected your asses, so we thought we’d put you all together in a room so you could watch him pash on with other bitches and then talk about how much he loves other said bitches!

Weeeeee! Applause to you, Channel 10.

And applause to you, Osher. I think we can safely say that, tonight, Osh was workin hard for the monaay. This is why he has been so AWOL of late; he’s been building his strength at his local barre class in anticipation for this epic episode.

Putting to good use his unquestionable interview/host skills, most recently seen in Australian Idol, Osh is doin what he does best by recapping the der-rama of the past few weeks through facilitating an ex-bitches bitch forum (and doin a little bit of judging along the way.) All the bitches are here…like, all of them. They are in their best midriff ensembles and they are out for blood.

* In case you hadn’t noticed, tonight’s episode actually has nothing to do with the home visits (waah) and there is very little Blake Vader to point and laugh at; Channel 10 are trying to milk this baby for all it’s worth and so tonight is ALL about a trip down memory lane. (Also, they’ve exhausted their budget and Velocity Points by flying all remaining cast members to their respective homes around eastern Australia, so we hadda buy some time.)

So first of all: who ARE all these bitches? Yes, I’d had a few champs the night of the premiere, but I swear to Oprah that I do not recall half of the faces in the back row. Not that that matters, because none of them say anything of note…actually, they aren’t even looked at by Osher’s hair because they are big losers who didn’t make it through the first two episodes and no one likes them and they just sit there yawning and wondering when they’re going to be getting their one year membership to Fitness First and a guest spot on The Living Room. 

Guys, guys! The effing great news is Anita is back. And thank you, God, we get to see her sing her stalky song to Vader again. In case you were wondering, it’s just as good the second time around. Admittedly, Anita does tell us that she is, “…not a singer,” but continues to demonstrate that she is adorably crazy and is probably planning to single-white-female one of the remaining girls to get back on the show. Gawd I miss her.

Canadian Horse Whisperer and Laurina/Bane have a make up session.

Laurina: I’m sorry you’re allergic to horses.

CHW: I’m sorry I called you fake, but you are kind of fake.

Laurina: You have a really big “personality”.

CHW: You have really big eyebrows.  We are best friends. Maple Syrup.

 

Not content with Laurina getting all the attention, Osh has a sit-down with Canadian Horse Whisperer and they deconstruct all of her adult tanties and body con dresses and, wait…did Canadian Horse Whisperer and Osher just do flirting? Guys, I feel weird. Someone get me a Gaviscon.

 

OMIGOD I FINALLY SAW LAURINA IMITATE JESS/ELSA AND IT IS EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE!

Laurina also gets one-on-one time with Osh and, for some reason, all the best bits are shown now that weren’t shown when she was actually ON the show and now I feel duped. I mean, if I’d have known she went on that fateful bowling/Street Pie date in a satin dress without underwear maybe I wouldn’t have been so judgmental. Ladies, come on. Remember the last time you went commando on a date night? The only thing you were up for was sitting very still on a padded chair and drinking until you felt comfortable telling your date that you left your underwear at home. If someone had asked me to go bowling whilst free-balling in a satin dress, I’m preeeetty sure my response would be something like this…

 

no

The moral of the story is this: I farking miss you, Laurina. Even Osher’s badly disguised judgment at your Passions of the Christ/Sky Diving ordeal didn’t deter you; you are still my Kanye and I will wait patiently in the middle of South Yarra everyday with my Laurina flag and my #DirtyStreetPie until you decide we can be besties.

Blah blah blah the intruder bitches are interviewed etc. “It was really hard…we had good intentions…we are totally still relevant…”

I should mention that I am three drinks to the wind at this point, so I got a little bit over it. And I wanted Vader/Parental action. Honestly, the loser bitches also looked hell bored too. One of them unashamedly YAWNS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE CAMERA. Gosh it was good.

Who’s not a giver of f*#^s?

who-1

This guy. (At least I think it was this guy)

We finish off the ep with Osher forcing the loser bitches to hedge their bets on which remaining bitch they would want to see their ex boyfriend try and marry because that is a totally normal way to deal.

LOUISE

I was right. All she talks about is baking and the loser bitches all confirm that. They discuss her baking and how she is totes ‘Stepford’ and that they didn’t think she had a chance in hell, but now they are second guessing themselves because maybe Blake only likes girls with one serious hobby and bright lipstick.

JESS

Did they kiss on the first date? Did they not kiss on the first date? Does anyone still give a shit? I know I do not.  Ladies, I think the thing we SHOULD be discussing is how it takes Jess a week and a half to get out a sentence lately. “Myyyyy ……hhhhhearrrt…..it’s beeeeeating so faaaaast.”

LISA

She is normal so no one has much to say about her. Except that she’s hot. Seems legit.

SAM

OMIGOD SHE IS SO GOOFY AND FUNNY I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER SHE IS THE BEST EVER REMEMBER WHEN SHE PUT MINTS IN HER BRA!

Cut to a montage of Blake kissing all of the aforementioned girls and my head is in the toilet.

Join me tomorrow when, word on the street is, Richard Mercer has a full-on Bachelor breakdown and cries. Maybe he’s allergic to horses too. Or just parents. Hard to say…

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: You’re Boring Me

18 Sep

Soz guys.
I wasn’t going to blog this episode because, well, it sucked. EVERYTHING IS THE WORST WITHOUT LAURINA!

However, in the interest of overcoming the grieving period, and because I am all about personal growth, here are the things you need to know:

  • They go to the Blue Mountains. Jess/Elsa is expectedly super excited. The others look pissed. The bitches from last year went to some secluded beach in WA and then Thailand. The Blue Mountains are an hour’s bus drive from Sydney. This is bullshit.
  • However, this means the bitches can finally crack out the designer puffer vests.
  • They all abseil down a mountain. No one falls. It’s really disappointing.
  • Vader and Louise pash with tongue.
  • He gets in a hot tub with Jess/Elsa and she recites a few Hallmark cards to him. He likes it.
  • More ads for smelly vagina wash.
  • Vader is mad at Lisa because she laughs at stuff.
  • ERRYBODY TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS AND HOW HARD IT IS TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!
  • Feelings.
  • Sam is taken to High Tea. She looks confused as to why there is no beer.
  • The cocktail party is cancelled. The bitches get drunk by themselves.
  • Everyone stares out of windows and rotundas and tries to act poignant.
  • Curly Haired Girl #2 (Zoe) doesn’t get a rose. Lisa is sad because she is normal. This should win her some points with Richard Mercer.
  • I prop my eyes open with toothpicks and cling hopefully to next week’s episode…… HOME VISITS! WEEEEE!

 

 

image

Where’s the booze?

*Post Episode Side Boob Note*

I did a little experiment. I watched ‘Law & Order’ straight after this. And do you know what I discovered? There are no ads for smelly vagina wash during other programs! This is an outrage. I see what you’re playing at, Channel 10….

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The Fairytale is Ovaaah

18 Sep

Once upon a time, there lived six crazy bitches. They lived in a waterfront home on Sydney Harbor where they spent their days casually laying about in a giant rotunda, idly debating which Spice Girl was the best one. One day, their Fairy Godbrother, Osher, appeared out of nowhere to weave his magic wand and offer them the one thing they had always wanted; a television contract a fairytale date with their communal boyfriend, Blake. And so began a beautiful love story…

 

No, but seriously, someone did manage to drag Osher away from his Nutri Bullet for 5 minutes to get him to set. Evidently he’s also had a few highlights put into that glorious crown for good measure. Because he’s only fulfilling the bare minimum of contractual hours these days, it leaves him just enough time to give the girls a quick Maths revision before he returns to his organic, clean-eating lair: Six minus five is one. This means one whole person is left over. Meaning one whole person will leave the mansion rose-less. Once again, they are shocked.

Sam must have scored the highest in Maths this week because she gets the aforementioned individual date.

Osher did mention something about a very special guest and just when I was rolling my eyes thinking, who else would it be but Blake Vader himself, but, holy crap you guys, STOP EVERYTHING! IT IS A LITTLE GIRL IN A FAIRY COSTUME WITH A WAND. Evidently, someone thought it would be genius to dress an under-aged child in a Fairy Godmother costume and have her partake in the sexist farce that is a bunch of adult women baking cakes and riding mechanical bulls to get a gay guy to wife them.

Nailed it.

Although, I gotta say, young Tinkerbell is throwing a hell of a lot of sass out there and she is actually way better at reading her cue cards than Richard Mercer. She instructs Sam to open a large gift from her ‘Prince Charming’ and we all know it’s a dress because there is no way Vader would let his beards out in public in ripped jeans and a beanie. Sam oohs and aahs over it a few times and Tinkerbell cannot help but judge her before sashaying off to wherever it is she came from.

 

fairy

Bitch, please.

 

Vader explains that, “Sam has really rubbed my ego of late, so I wanted to reward her with another date.” Sounds just like something Prince Charming would say. So much fairytale.

With Disney’s greatest hits playing in the background, Sam is taken to a jeweler to borrow some stuff. See, this isn’t one of those two-become-one dates, like the Curly Haired Death Match we witnessed earlier this season. You only get to keep the jewellery in those ones. Lucky for Sam, really, because the shit Vader is picking out for her is bloody hideous, jussayin.

All this borrowing of weird swan jewellery is leaving Sam v v overwhelmed and she gets totes emoshi right there in the store. Fortunately, bitches crying over shit that has nothing to do with him is exactly what gives Vader his jollies. He is super impressed by her feelings and, thus, she progresses through to the next round of the date.

 

*SIDE NOTE* Did anyone else notice that the ad breaks are now featuring commercials for smelly vagina wash? Coincidence…?….

 

Back in the Casual Outdoor Rotunda, the remaining bitches are delivered the group date card by Curly Haired Girl #2, Zoe, who is attempting to fill Chantal/David Attenborough’s shoes as resident commentator and explainer of all things, but is obviously failing miserably because there can only be one David.

The date card is basically something something about exotic. Jess/Elsa thinks it could be teppenyaki. Bless her.

We momentarily leave the remaining bitches sitting around still looking puzzled about the word ‘exotic’ and head back to FairytaleLand to see what other super romantic things Vader hasn’t planned for Sam and if she’s still crying over them.

They’re now at The Tea Room. I’ve been there. It is super fancy. Andre Rieu’s piano playing cousin has been brought in for mood music. Let’s call him Pepe. While Pepe smashes out some tunes, Richard Mercer attempts to take Sam for a spin on the dance floor, only to be thwarted by her boob mints. Because she’s really dorky, remember guys? I mean, WHO WOULD BE SO ZANY AS TO PUT MINTS IN THEIR BRA OMIGOD SHE IS TOO MUCH WE ARE LAUGHING SO HARD!

Because Sam is so zany and dorky and puts mints in her bra, Vader gifts her with a box made of chocolate. Obviously Adriano Zumbo made it. But she completely ignores it and is much more taken by the really ugly necklace inside. Not eating the chocolate gift box is a f*#&ing travesty of justice.

“Luckily for you, there was enough left over money in the budget this week, so you get to keep this. Oh, by the way, here’s a rose.”

 

GROUP DATE

 

I used to kind of like Jess/Elsa. Her wide-eyed wonderment and loving of basically everything ever was almost endearing. But after this episode, she has officially pushed me into a diabetic coma and I cannot deal.

“Whenever I see Blake, it’s like…a sunrise. It gives me hope.”

No.

Just no.

I want to stab my eardrums with my pen.

 

Teaming with the theme of both fairytales and exotic, the bitches find themselves in Aladdin’s cave. And because Blake, “loves adventure,” the team at Channel 10 have logically decided to pitch the girls against a bunch of half-naked belly-dancers. Seems legit.

Not to be outdone, the bitches are up on their feet, shaking what their white mama’s gave them. Laurina is right into it, dancing like any good girl at Orange Whip on a Friday night.

Louise and Jess catch Vader’s attention and get some alone time. Louise is her perky, lipstick-wearing self. They talk about baking.

Jess/Elsa reveals her other way of communicating with Blake apart from sexy forehead touching: sexy finger touching. They sit there and sexy finger touch and stare at each other long enough for me to do this:

 

 dawson

 Staaaaaahp!

Even Richard Mercer is getting savvy on her crazy-eyed-slack-jawed-slow-blinking wonderment these days. He awkwardly extracts himself from the finger touching before she gets pregnant and finds Laurina.

And that is when all of the shit hits all of the fans.

In what appears to be an unguarded moment about feelings and intimacy, Blake does something so horribly offensive and not OK to poor Laurina it’s almost amusing;

He. Touches. His. Eye.

Yep, you heard right. The man has the audacity to scratch his itchy eye while Laurina is mid-sentence. All over the internet, headlines read: Finger of Destiny; Man Touches Eye!

Guys, this is almost as serious as the #DirtyStreetPie incident.

Laurina is not having a bar of it. Not one bar. She abruptly ends the conversation and stares him down. It’s bloody brill.

COCKTAIL PARTY

In an effort to undo the damage of the Touching Eye Incident, Vader is quick to find Laurina again and allow her to apologize for not liking him touch his eye and give him graphic details about their wedding day and all the beautiful children they’re going to have. But in a moment that I’m sure is totally NOT in retaliation of the Touching Eye Incident at all, Laurina stops him mid-sentence….to get a mint from her bag.

Gosh, she’s just heaven sometimes.

      kanye

I’mma let you finish…

Vader asks her whether she thinks about their future together, and she launches into this a-ma-zing speech about her super amazing life in Melbourne and how they would live in Melbourne and go to amazing Melbourne cafes and botanical gardens and have Melbourne babies. Because Melbourne.

Vader is stunted. He is actually completely lost for words that she has not simply offered up her child-bearing body at the bottom of Mt Blake for him to speed away to Perth in one of his many sea planes slash helicopters. It’s bad. But also really, really awesome. Laurina has just tore him a new one.

“I feel like things are usually on your terms,” he finally realizes.

And for that, she gets sent home.

And this is where I would like to do this…

Laurina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being mean to you. I’m sorry I judged your street pie and your side boob. You might actually be my hero. While the other bitches were busy feeling sorry for Blake having to date all of them at once, you were flying the flag for No Shits Given Incorporated and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. You are the new Kanye West and I am not worthy.

Vale, my friend.

jess blake 2

I would never stand in your way of eye touching. #sunrise #hope

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Masks, Secrets & Threesomes, Oh My!

12 Sep

Guys, things are getting verrrrry sombre and serious.

We opened on a shot of the mansion at night accompanied by the moon. So much moon and sombre. The bitches were sitting by the fire while werewolves howled in the background. Even Louise had ditched the red lip for a smoky eye. Because night time.

 

 

wolfmoon

#sombre

 

Chat chat chat, we’re so lucky to still be locked up inside this house, chat chat chat I wonder how Blake is feeling about feelings.

Oh wow, look at that! There’s a date card conveniently sitting on the couch that we totes didn’t notice before!

Lots of speculation about who the lucky lady will be tonight, and Chantal honestly looks like she’s waiting to hear if she has a life-threatening disease. Although, believing that competing on this show is a good decision would qualify as pretty life-threatening.

And the winner is…LOUISE! As in, the one who wears lipstick and likes to bake and….and………actually that’s all I know about her. In my dreams, though, I imagine Louise lives in a white and beige palace in Toorak with a thermomix and everything from Urban Republic and her farts smell like cinnamon buns.

Louise heads down to the park and, as expected, Vader blows in on a bloody helicopter…..again.

We literally see Louise get the signal from the director to start jumping up and down and waving, which she does like a champ. I little bit like the time Richard Mercer blew in on an effing yacht to pick her up. Actually, it’s exactly like that. Just with a helicopter. Potato/potahto…

Blake Vader earnestly explains that he wanted to “take Louise away” from the obviously basic and awful existence she has living on the foreshore of Sydney Harbor, and whisk her off to the Hunter Valley for a glimpse of his man-grapes.

Upon arriving at a picturesque winery, Louise presents Vader with caramel slice that she has conveniently baked for him. Remember, guys? Louise wears lipstick and bakes. She’s really complex. No, but seriously, caramel slice is actually the shit and I am yelling at the TV, “WIFE HER IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT BEFORE!”

Now, if the way to a man’s heart is, as Louise says, through his stomach, the way to Louise’s heart is through extravagant modes of transport. Why? Because horse and carriage. They land in a helicopter and jump straight into an effing horse-drawn carriage. HashtagSwag.

Fast forward a minute or two, and they’re suddenly by a pool. Now, I have been to a nice winery or two in my time and not once have I ever seen a winery with a pool, so I assume they’re just in someone’s back yard. With candles. MANY MANY candles. Candles.

Something something something energy, something something something feelings, something you have great energy and feelings, and I have a good time feeling your energy…. *gravel gravel can’t understand due to Blake’s voice dropping a register, gravel gravel*

Back at School Camp for Bitches, Laurina has returned and is casually sitting in the rotunda (OMG, I seriously didn’t realize it was a fancy rotunda, I thought it was just a room in the mansion, I don’t know why I care so much about this) with Sam.

Sam: So how are you? Have you recovered from the mystery illness we’re not supposed to talk about?

Laurina: Pardon? I can’t hear you; my facelift has pulled my ears to the back of my skull.

 

GROUP DATE!

Into the Ford Focus with Voice Command (can you please pay me now, Ford?) and they are off for a day of competing for one man’s attention. Laurina doesn’t care where they go or what they do as long as it’s not to the street to eat street pie.

OMIGOD I AM TOO EXCITED! For this week’s totally gender empowering challenge, the ladies have to act like proper actors and Vader has to act like a proper straight man.

Guys, lucky Laurina is a model and has modelled many modelling things so she is obvi v v knowledgeable about The Heart Foundation. They are practically the same thing. Because charity.

The pair of bachelorettes with the best writing and acting skills will win a very special party at Blake’s Bachie Pad. Very special party? Bachie Pad? Obviously this means sex. Or animal sacrifice.

SO. MANY. JOKES. ABOUT. ACTING. AND. AWKWARD. KISSING. I. JUST. CANNOT. DEAL.

Guys, it’s all pretty bad, except when Richard Mercer gets topless and the bitches need to be hosed down.

Lisa and Sam are the lucky ladies with their Baywatch-themed shoot. I’m guessing Sam’s apt use of the phrase, “that’s enough pollywaffle,” is what tipped them over the edge. Jess/Elsa and Chantal go back to Fountain Gate and Laurina & Zoe are left to cry over their polyestaaaaaaah.

Vader whisks away his two semi-girlfriends for a night of romance and completely appropriate threesome dating.

Cue the most terrifying yet also heavenly interaction in the name of all that is holy…

Sitting on the couch, holding hands with Vader, Sam comes out with her confession that she could be falling in love with him and Lisa is f*$%ing sitting there watching them! I don’t….can’t….what…..help….no…..what….stop…don’t…hold me I’m having a melt down.

Moving right along, because if we dwell on this any longer my face might implode and melt all over me.

 

lisa sam

Staahhp! Staahp it!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Because ‘The Bachelor’ is ALL about symbolism and hidden meaning, the bitches are all dolled up in the left over ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ dresses and masquerade masks. Because mystery.

Osher shows up for his requisite 3 minutes of air time and tells them that tonight will be ‘very different’. There will be no rose ceremony. Instead, Blake will hand out roses throughout the cocktail party. Woah, woah, woah…..woah. HOLD UP. Handing roses out over two hours is waaaaaaaay too different to handing roses out over 10 minutes. Guys, this is super serious. How will we cope? What is life? How could they DO this to us?!

Jess/Elsa has written Blake a sodding letter. It looks to be at least 15 pages, front and back. And who wants to bet that she dots her i’s with love hearts? Because Blake is under contract to only read the cue cards given to him by producers, he sits there and listens while she reads it to him. It is suuuuuuuuper boring. It’s the literature equivalent of sexy forehead touching. Whatever, it gets her a rose.

Blah blah it’s down to Laurina and Chantal. Obvi Laurina cannot go home because she is heaven in a smoothie, but Chantal is also not leaving because she is David Attenborough and without her no one will actually know what is going on.

Laurina cracks the sads and announces she cannot be bothered ‘dazzling’ Vader tonight because she has serious dazzle and has been dazzling him all over the place. Her bitch fit works and Richard Mercer finds her in the kitchen moping over her coconut water. Der-rama! Who will it be??

Cut to Chantal being hauled out into the garden looking bloody terrified.  Faaaaaaark…..it’s totally her. Osher’s Assistant is going home. I knew it. That stunning shade of lipstick she is wearing is not enough to save her. She is promptly put in the limo of doom and, like the true professional she is, expertly narrates her departure and the goings on of the episode as she is sped away from Bachelorland.

The remaining bitches are shocked. They don’t even TRY and look happy that Laurina is safe, despite the glorious stank-eye she gives them. No one really says anything. They all just sort of sit there looking at each other, waiting for Chantal to explain what happens next but…it never comes. David Attenborough is gone forever.

Join me next week when, without Chantal, we find the remaining bachelorettes still sitting around in their ballgowns, unsure of what to do or what to say.

 

Shit is gonna get cray.

 

david

Good luck without me, suckaaaaas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Night of the Living (Dead) Bitches

11 Sep

Are you afraid of the dark?

Our favorite bachelorettes are not. Evidently, they’re more concerned about Jess/Elsa getting her overly large teeth into Blake Vader, but that’s another story. Priorities, people.

I’d just like to point out that I spent this evening’s episode at a ‘Bachelor’ themed birthday party. There were actual roses and everything. (Happy birthday, Mel you (non-crazy) bitch!)

To take it back to the start, it appears the producers have permanently dropped the traditional opening sequence of Blake in water/pondering things/taking his shirt off. Has this got anything to do with the photos circulating the internets of said Bachelor in his tightie whities at a Hen’s party? Surely not!

 

blake stripper

#seriousbusinessman

 

The ladies were gathered casually in the Rec Room at school camp and they were in bloody high spirits.

“Omigod we’re into single digits!”

“Omigod there’s like NO ONE left!”

“Omigod our polygamous relationship with a gay guy is getting SAH serious! Squeeeee!”

Osher was still getting his hair set and blow waved, so he was unable to join the ladies for the first date card. Shaking in anticipation, Louise expertly points out that a second date is very much needed when you want to marry someone.

Unfortunately, we’re gonna be off to a slow start because Lisa gets the date and we all know she is ridiculously normal. She seems happy about it, but not as happy as Jess/Elsa who CANNOT EVEN EVERYTHING IS SO EXCITING PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS AND FAIRY FLOSS!

Guys, I missed the montage of Lisa getting dressed and gushing about Richard Mercer. The TV LOST SIGNAL!!! For like, a whole minute. Gawd it was stressful; but we recovered and managed to pick things back up at a racetrack.

Yep, to rub maple syrup into the wounds, Lisa is taken on an individual date to fallen comrade, Canadian Horse Whisperer’s, actual worst nightmare: the races.

But with no one there. Like no one.

Now, I haven’t been to the races for a good five or so years because well…..just no. But from what I can recall from my former years as a heavy-drinking, irresponsible uni student, the races are actually completely rubbish without thousands of slutty, stupid people getting shit-faced in their Sunday best. Fact.

Lisa seems to have fallen under Jess/Elsa’s spell of believing Blake Vader has any sort of hand in organizing the dates because she is super dooper impressed that he has set up a table right next to the racetrack. I mean, what an amazing position amongst all these people who aren’t even here.

 

Metal railing on a race track

What a spot.

As anticipated, it is a fairly non-eventful date, except when we catch a glimpse of Vader’s jealous face when he realizes Lisa gets the horse called Foxy and he doesn’t. They then move off to another “romantic” location with many candles and couches draped with velvet. Because candles. I seriously have no idea where they are.

Lisa has apparently won a bet from their creepy horse race and as a prize, she gets a massage. Unfortunately, it’s not a boob/vagina massage like I’d hoped. Snore.

NEWSFLASH!

Back at the mansion, Chantal is fulfilling her co-host duties by informing the other bitches that someone is “really sick.”

OMG YOU GUYS IT’S LAURINA! HER EYEBROWS WENT ROGUE AND ATTACKED HER! SHE IS IN HOSPITAL!

All the other bitches: “Wow, that’s full-on. I really hope she dies.”

They do their best to look concerned, but I swear to God, there is champagne being opened in the background.

GROUP DATE!

90% of the bitches pop on their best khaki jackets and are taken to one of Australia’s most haunted places. I think it’s an old hospital? Osher looks really serious and explains that this place is haunted with the ghosts of Blake’s ex-boyfriends immigrants and convicts who tried to flee their countries. They’ve even brought in a psychic lady. This IS serious.

The psychic/actor/Mystic Meg lady tells them about evil energies and strange happenings around the place. Is she talking about ghosts or just another day at the Crazy Bitch mansion? Basically, their dead relatives are here and they are JUDGING THEM.

Osher looks scared. If there’s one thing he fears more than complex carbohydrates, it’s undead spirits ruining his root shakra. He leaves.

And so begins one of the most absurd dates in the history of everything.

 

cemetary

Romance

 

 

Jess/Elsa is living up to her Stage 5 Clinger status and getting all up in Vader’s grill, much to the disgust of his other beards. To break this tension, they are promptly taken into an old hospital room and presented with Laurina’s dead body. Jokes. It’s just Laurina without her Botox bandages on. Well, they did say she was in hospital, amiright?

The bitches pretend to listen to Mystic Meg talk about dead people and stuff but are more concerned with cock-blocking Vader and Jess. It seems to work; there is no sexy forehead touching in the dark. Such a shame.

Later on, Richard Mercer manages to escape Jess/Elsa’s clutches and takes Lauren (?) for a walk. The actor/dancer newbie one? I.e. the one who works retail at Bloch and has an agent. But HOLD UP. Blake thinks Lauren might be too shy for him, after all, she’s just walked through a haunted hospital/warehouse and crapped her pants. How DARE she not laugh at all his jokes and spit glitter!

Due to Lauren’s unacceptable response to this creepy date, Vader decides to give himself a quick ego boost by taking Jess/Elsa outside for a chat. Because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME TODAY WAS SO GREAT I LOVE SEEING WHERE PEOPLE DIED LETS SEXY FOREHEAD TOUCH!

The other bitches are not. ok. with. this. Obvi Jess/Elsa is a huge bitch burger who will stop at nothing to make their boyfriend fall in love with her on a competition about making a man fall in love with them.

They go outside and do stuff. Sexy forehead touch most likely.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Lesbihonest, cocktail parties are no fun without Laurina’s eyebrows there to awkwardly stare at people and take about segregation and street pies.

However, Chantal attempts to take her place for the night, by cornering Vader and basically accusing him of loving Jess/Elsa more than everyone else because he hung out with her on a date that Chantal wasn’t even on but his five other girlfriends were and they even tried to blow out their lamps but he didn’t care and now they are mad. Are you following this? Don’t worry, it’s v v confusing. She gets upset and I’m not entirely sure why.

BUT THEN. Richard Mercer bites back. He Bites. Back.

Blake: Nah nah, she takes initiative.

Chantal: Well we don’t like it.

Blake: You do it. Lisa does it.

Chantal: But it’s hurting our feelings. You touch foreheads with her, so you must be in love with her.

Blake: My boyfriends never gave me this much effing trouble.

 

Chantal returns to the Red Room of Pain and looks aptly pained herself. The other bitches who aren’t Jess/Elsa are worried.

ROSE CEREMONY

After checking to make sure the mansion has been cleansed of all evil spirits, Osher returns to inform the bitches that, between taking a girl to a creepy, empty race track and taking several girls to a creepy, haunted warehouse, Vader has managed to squeeze in a romantic trip to the hospital to gift Laurina’s eyebrows with a rose.

Is it a white rose? IS IT???!!!!!! IS THIS STILL A THING? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Upon hearing that she hasn’t died, the bitches seem deflated. The rose ceremony is therefore performed quickly so that everyone can go back to their rooms and stick more pins in their Laurina dolls.

Newbie Lauren is out. I don’t have to be Mystic Meg to have seen that one coming.

But what I WOULD really like Mystic Meg to tell me is the actual reason why Laurina is in hospital. Because no one says anything. THERE IS A BIG, PINK F&*#$ING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, PEOPLE, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING!

So here are my assumptions as to what has ailed her:

  • Her forehead skin is stretched so tight her skull has burst through
  • The trauma of the Dirty Street Pie incident has caused her to lose her mind and she has been sent to a psych ward
  • As mentioned earlier, her eyebrows took on a life of their own, jumped off her face and stabbed her
  • Anita snuck back into the mansion and stole Laurina’s dog, Bambi, away. Laurina chased after her in her Jimmy Choos but stumbled down the stairs, breaking her ankle. No word yet on the whereabouts of Bambi.
  • Her lips fell off.

 

Tune in tonight to find out if any of the above are even remotely true and see all the crazy bitches wear masks so Laurina doesn’t feel so bad about the swelling.

 

stick person

I won’t give up on you, White Rose

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One I Didn’t Really Care About

5 Sep

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I kind of missed most of this episode. And then when I went back to watch it online I was bored. Everything is boring without Canadian Horse Whisperer. I’m sorry, but I’m still in mourning.

 

So here is my summary of last night’s episode in 100 words or less accompanied by some visual aids:

 

Jess/Elsa rewarded with individual date. She’s excited.

 

peak-gush

Everything is the BEST

 Old steam train, many vintage.

 

train

So much vintage

 Forehead touching

 

Rowboat

 

forehead touching

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Group date – it’s a yacht

 

yacht

Because water

 

Boobs

 

blake boat

I love boobs! Really!

 

Sunscreen

 

Bitchy stares

 

Boobs

 

blake boat 2

Stay calm…stay calm…

 

Cocktail party

 

Louise has new lipstick – what is life?!

 

louise lipstick

Who even ARE you?!

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

 

Blake takes Lisa to ‘secret spot’ and she says something normal

 

lisa

We are so secretive

 Cheeky pash

 

Everyone hates Jess/Elsa

 

FROZEN

You’re out of the group

 

Forehead touching

 

forehead touching 2

 

Rose ceremony

 

Chantal’s boobs

 

chantal boob

Bye bye Vampire Mary & Holly 2.0.

 

Holly 2.0 doesn’t even care

 

mary rachel 2

They look sad

 

 

 

The end.

 

 

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