Tag Archives: blake

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.

The Bachelor FINALE: 100% Pure Love…. Lol JOKES!

3 Oct

NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!

Because Africa.

 

giraffe

#nature

 

HOLY CRAP WE MADE IT, TEAM!

We have arrived at the night of the finale without anyone losing an eye rub or getting street pie poisoning. Squeeee!

*Deep breaths* I am going to need to try and keep a lid on it and refrain from putting everything in capital letters while recapping this epic final love battle.

AFRICA! NATURE! FORD TERRITORY! ANIMALS! WATER! DID I MENTION THEY DRIVE FORDS HERE?

We are still in Africa. There is nature ERRYWHERE and OMIGOD STOP IT OSHER IS HERE ON PRIDE ROCK!

His hair is just loving itself sick in that safari outfit and sporting a smart casual leg mount. No big deal, I’m just here in Africa in my Gazman Casual Wear.

After recovering from the shock of seeing Osher at the very beginning of an episode, we see Blake Vader looking poignant. He has very big decisions to make tonight; one of his two favourite girlfriends out of twenty five other girlfriends will be getting a Bunda ring.

He stands in front of lots of views of Africa. He stops by a pool. Water. He mosies on down to a campsite. Fire. He looks into the flames poignantly and thinks about journeys and roses and Bunda rings.

MUM IS HERE!

Mrs Vader has arrived in Africa in her best linen two-piece and brought Bitchy Aunty Dee with her. What?! Where is Shirley MacLaine aka Blake’s grandmother? She HAS to be here! No one can make decisions without Shirley!

But alas, she has been left back at home like the other loser bachelorettes. My guess is they wouldn’t fly her Business Class so Shirley just decided not to come. Shirley ONLY flies Business Class.

On ya, Shirley.

Mrs Vader gets totes emoshi upon seeing her son and Bachie apologises, explaining he’s been so busy getting women to ride mechanical bulls and bake cakes for him that he forgot to call her. She seems OK with it.

Aunty Dee, on the other hand, is not having a bar of all this emotional crap and wants to get right down to business.

Enter Lisa.

“HELLOOOOOO! I’m Looooiysa!” she calls.

Gotta love those Queenslanders.

Lisa is her normal, chatty, laughing self until Mrs Vader asks to talk to her in private.

They go to a totally random and coincidentally decorated love seat by a pool and Mrs Vader does her best impression of her son, demanding if Lisa is in love with him. I mean, come on guys, they’ve been on a couple of dates, SURELY she must know by now?!

Lisa confirms that yes, she is indeed in love with Mufasa and is totally ready to give him many Simba babies. They start laughing. Aunty Dee doesn’t like this. There is TOO MUCH LAUGHING! Aunty Dee obviously graduated from the same Laughter Police Academy as her nephew.

Aunty Dee breaks up the laughter party and hits Lisa with the hard questions. Lisa is normal so she answers them like a normal person.

Vader returns and he and Lisa tongue pash. Gross.

NEXT!

Sam arrives. Remember she is really goofy and awkward, so she is feeling really nervous and awkward about meeting Richard Mercer’s mum.

CALL OF THE NIGHT goes to Aunty Dee as Sam is approaching:

“Oh wow, she’s blonde. On no, wait. More multi-coloured.”

I love you, Aunty Dee.

(I need to know; if you were Sam’s hairdresser, when would you get to the point where you’d just suggest, “maybe we should do a full head of foils this time, babe?” WHEN?!)

Anyhoo. Sam and Mrs Vader sit down by another totally random and coincidentally decorated fireplace and talk about feelings. Because Sam is really awkward and goofy and has no filter, she tells Mum she was worried her son would be a douchebag. Gold star, Sam.

Then she is really embarrassed because she said that word and omigod she is so awkward and goofy and can’t talk to people properly because she has no filter. What a kidder!

Mufasa shows up again and asks Mum and Aunty Dee to pick his future beard for him because he obviously can’t do it. Mrs Vader offers to adopt both of them. She is not helpful at all.

 

blake mum

Don’t forget to wear protection, darl. That’s how you got here.

 

FINAL DATES

More nature, buffalos and Ford cars. Africa.

Lisa is taken in a hot air balloon over Mufasa’s kingdom. Just like he told Louise, way back when, he explains to Lisa that everything the light touches is theirs. Lisa is super impressed.

Whilst up in the balloon, Mufasa asks Lisa what “challenges” she set for herself going into the show. You mean, apart from not getting on a mechanical bull and walking away with her dignity?

Lisa then goes on to recap their two amazing dates. Yes folks, you read that correctly. TWO. They have really only been on two f*#&ing dates! Lisa tells him they were both amazing and cannot believe he organised them out of his own pocket money just for her.

I’m starting to lose faith in you, Lisa.

They then arrive at an African-themed rotunda and sexy forehead touch for a while.

Mufasa is super dooper keen to get Lisa to tell him she loves him. It’s only fair; he organised TWO WHOLE DATES FOR HER! She OWES him!

I’m really hoping that she does an Aunty Dee and stands her ground, but it seems that all that baking and nature has finally infiltrated Lisa’s normal brain and she confirms that she is indeed, 100% in love with him.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

She tries to rationalise this by saying, ” I realise you can’t say it back to me right now.”

Weeeelllllll…..actually he could. But he doesn’t. Because romance.

 

The next morning he picks up Sam for a night safari. Remember? Because she is from Frankston and has a wild side? I hope no one told her that Lisa got a freaking hot air balloon, because if it were me, I would be PISSED.

They go safari-ing through Africa and Sam tries to get a glimpse of Mufasa’s elephant tusk, ifyouknowwhaddamean? ūüėČ

Boring boring boring, they talk about their feelings. Sam has already told Bachie that she loves him so I don’t really know why we are forced to sit through this.

 

FINAL ROSE/BUNDA RING CEREMONY

The final two bitches are getting dressed. Both are wearing sequins. Because Africa. Lisa is in black, Sam is in silver.

Now, look, I don’t wanna seem TOO obnoxious, because that is obvi not my style AT ALL, but you don’t dress the loser in silver/bridal sparkles. This happened last year, remember? Anna (the winner) was conveniently dressed in a white and gold dress while loser Rochelle got lumped with a fluro number from Gasp? Come on.

Blake Vader is standing at the end of a tribal sacrifice alter, looking dapper in his powder-blue suit.

THIS IS IT, GUYS! (Commence many shouty capitals from here on in)

HOLY SHIT OSHER IS BACK OMIGOD HE IS WALKING DOWN THE SACRIFICE TUNNEL ARE THEY IN LOVE STOP IT I CAN’T TAKE IT!

Osher and Bachie hold hands. F*#& off, is this real?! Is THIS what the controversy was? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Oh no, wait, he is just wishing him luck. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, BLAKE! YOU COULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BONA FIDE CLEO BACHELOR OF THE YEAR! YOU BLEW IT!

 

the boys

#MeantToBe

 

Sadly, Osher’s hair walks away to the approaching Ford vehicle (did I mention they drive Fords in Africa?)

And we all know that the first bitch out of the car is the loser.

They are obscuring her head.

The Ford car stops.

The door opens.

Osher’s hair blows in the wind.

*

*

*

*

And it’s Lisa.

 

I F*#&ING KNEW IT!

 

OH LISA YOU POOR THING! We all watch as Normal Lisa makes her way down the tribal sacrifice tunnel in what is pretty much the most bangin black crack dress I have ever seen!

GAWD it’s just the worst. He tells her he loves her but is IN love with someone else. ARGHHHH I CAN’T DEAL!

She just whispers nice things to him and then sashays back to the Ford Territory in her black crack dress.

Farewell Normal Lisa. You have a rockin ass. You will find someone else.

Meanwhile, Mufasa cries like a baby. Guys, STRIPPERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

 

stripper

 

So now we know. Sam from Frankston is The One. Her two-toned highlights have gotten her over the line and into the waiting arms of Blake Vader/Mufasa/Richard Mercer.

She’s walking past the phallic animal bones towards her true love. We see her extensions from the back. GAH! Someone FIX THEM!

They’re holding hands. He’s talking about love. Her face is all, “I got this in the bag.”

He kneels. He pulls out the ring box from Bunda. He opens the ring box. Yep, it’s from Bunda. Bunda.

He’s proposing!

Her answer?

“Yep. 100%. Can we bone now?”

Because Frankston.

The ring doesn’t fit her. Things get a bit awkward.

They are kissing. Vader keeps trying to talk about feelings and journeys but Sam just macks on with him to shut him up. Good thinking, Sam.

I am crying. It’s over. My life has no meaning.

 

HOLD THE PHONE!

 

POST-FINALE CONTROVERSY

Channel 10 have cancelled all media interviews with Vader and Sam. Rumors are flying about thicker than Osher’s hair wax.

Someone’s pregnant. (Please let it be this)

Someone’s dead.

Someone cheated.

 

They broke up. SWEET VALLEY HIGH THEY ALREADY HATE EACH OTHER. Good one, Osher.

Social media is going off chops. The public is OUTRAGED!

I knew it. It was her extensions. They pushed him over the edge.

Lisa makes a statement via Instagram that she is not pregnant. Boo!

 

lisa

Oh the disappointment!

 

Then this…..

 

statement

Evidently, Frankston was too far away for Blake

Luckily, Bachie has that pool of 24 rejected loser bachelorettes to choose from now.

I am dying with anticipation. In the meantime, I think I’ll go amuse myself with re-runs of Australian Idol 2004. I’ll never stop believing, Osher.

This is Bachelor 2014 over and out.

THE END.

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Everybody Loves Bachie…except Lisa

2 Oct

ZOMG guys, it’s Finale week! I can barely keep a lid on it. And neither can Blake Vader who is throwing “journey” ALL over the place! Srzly, I counted nine times this episode. And I vagued out at one stage. So lets round that up to nineteen. Nineteen totally non-scripted mentions of a beautiful/amazing/awesome/ridiculous/intense journey. Journey.

WATER JOURNEY AFRICA! Many montages of water and mentions of journeys. Wait, are we IN Africa now? Or Sydney? I’m confused. Many wildlife, much water.

No, no, we’re still in Sydney. Well, Vader couldn’t POSSIBLY leave without first stopping in at Bunda to casually pick up some bling for one of his three girlfriends. After mentioning to the manager that he would actually prefer to design the engagement ring (!!!) himself, Richard Mercer then takes a poignant stroll down the main street, thinking about journeys and water.

Meanwhile, while the real residents of the mansion that Spotlight built are moving back in and busy tearing down the hideous plastic hydrangeas and smashing all pineapple-shaped furniture, the remaining three bitches are at the airport.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS GOING AN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TOGETHER! LET’S HAVE A CHAMPS TO CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNAL BOYFRIEND!

Sam, Lisa and Louise are just having the best time ever at the passengers lounge and quietly congratulate each other on being chosen to maybe get proposed to in another country.

Cut to arriving in said foreign country (South Africa if you haven’t caught the bombardment of ads for it this week – wait, are we in South Africa because Vader is black?)

Bachie has had a smart change of clothes and is now poignantly looking about his hotel window thinking about being poignant and journeys. He’s having a real hard time remembering his lines with all this amazing view.

*TANGENT ALERT* Allow me, if you will, to quickly remind you of something. Something I would deem significant. The final three bachelorettes usually signify the time for the Dates with No Time Limits episode. Dates with sex, as we prefer to call them. Because most tall, sort of black, deep talking bachelors have at least a one in three chance of finding a girl willing to bone him. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There is no mention of time limits or boning or love cabins and I am. so. not. ok. with. this.

This is bullshit, Channel 10. I am submitting a formal complaint. Replacing dates with potential sex for dates with potential tourism attractions is a travesty of justice! NO.

End Tangent*

So everything is slightly more boring now because there is no sex but lets go through the last three dates that Blake totally organised with his own pocket money and travel expertise.

Sam

Vader explains that Sam has “a wild side”. Obvi because she is from Frankston.

So lucky Sam gets to go shark diving.

They board a boat and watch a shark brutally kill a cute seal and then a bird. Because romance. Vader looks kind of terrified and it’s kind of funny.

 

Jaws

Can’t you feel the romance?

To allay their fears, Bachie and Sam are given black wetsuits that look pretty much exactly like seal costumes. Good thinking. They dive down in a steel cage and watch sharks swim by and it’s not interesting because there is no sex.

Journey.

Later, because she survived the shark tank, Sam gets to go on a SUPER YACHT. Not a regular yacht, a SUPER YACHT. Because water. They lie on the deck and Sam decides to tell Richard Mercer about her feelings. She says it’s really important he knows exactly what she is before he makes a decision. “What” she is? Omigod, is she about to tell him she actually has man parts as well? Because, just quietly, I don’t think that would be a problem.

No, she just tells him she loves him. But because Sam is totes goofy and funny, it takes her 15 minutes to do it. Bachie doesn’t even try and hide his impatient face. He doesn’t like it when bitches laugh or don’t bake cakes or don’t tell him they love him immediately.

Journey.

Louise

Sometimes-wears-lipstick-Louise has brought out the big guns tonight.

She’s brought her Zamel’s earrings/necklace set. Shit is getting real.

Vader explains that last time, he got a spray tan and a pedicure and showed up in the Hunter Valley¬†took Louise to a winery so it’s really important to him that he try and top that effort.

With another f*#$ing winery.

Except this one is in a foreign country. I guess that makes a big difference.

Anyhoo, they ooh and aah and carry on over the amazing view for several minutes. Louise declares she’s never seen such a great view. Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with the lovely view, but…Lou, sweetie? DON’T YOU LIVE IN A SNOW MANSION IN THREDBO?!!

Call me crazy, but I’m starting to get the feeling this bitch is a little too upper class.

They sit down to a meal of fancy ocean trout and expensive moscato, and Louise explains that she definitely feels real romance between her and Blake.

Babe, eating a fancy lunch on national television with the guy you’re sharing with three other bitches isn’t romance. Sitting on your couch in your ugg boots, hoovering a packet of Rice Wheels while your partner plays Clash of Clans is REAL romance.*

Before anyone gets too drunk, a lovely African choir has arrived to sing to them. It is at this point that I wish I spoke Afrikaan, because I can only imagine what the English translation was…

White Girl We are Judging You?

Once she’s dried her tears, Louise is taken to another bloody view. The Presidential Suite.

Oooh…suite, you say? Isn’t that fance-talk for bedroom? Could sexy time be on the cards?

No, no no. They just sit in the pool and do some really really close talking. Snore.

Yes, she tells him she loves him. In Afrikaan. He rewards her with more close talking and a smart underwater boob grab.

Journey.

 

view

#view

Lisa

From what Richard Mercer can remember, Lisa passed the ovary test at the kindergarten date, BUT, one can never be too sure when trying to choose an appropriate baby maker.

They show up at a prep school with basically THE most adorable children on the face of the earth because it is totally OK to exploit little kids living in poverty for the sake of a reality show. Angelina would be SPITTING!

 

angelina-jolie

Not on my watch, bitches

It’s very cute and normal (because Lisa) and everyone at home calls work and quits their jobs so that they can go and teach in Cape Town. I know I did.

To meet the ostentatious modes of transport quota for the week, Lisa and Bachie then take a helicopter over the mountains of South Africa (“Look at the VIEW!”) and end up at another beachside/cliffside/presidential suite type place with a view.

This is where Lisa wins at everything because she is Lisa.

Vader is probing her to tell him she loves him; after all, his other two beards did.

She explains to camera that she has “deep feelings” (lol, “deep”) for Blake but that she is finding it hard to express, considering he is pashing two other chicks.

Right when I think her closest-thing-to-feminism-moment speech was all for nothing, and she is just going to offer herself up to Mt Blake, she does a 180 and backs the f*%# down! It is Bachie who tells her he is falling for her and she is just like, “Yeah cool. I’ll say it when you say it. Which is not now, so suffer in yer jocks.”

Gawd I love her.

Rose Ceremony

According to the soundtrack, we are now in Gotham City, as the three women put on their Zamel’s best and look poignantly in the mirror. Journey.

OSHER IS HERE! Someone saw fit to fly his weave all the way to South Africa so that he could do his 30 second bit and introduce Blake to the three bitches who already know him pretty effing well.

See Osh? This is your reward for not eating carbs or dairy  for the last 2 months. Well done, babe.

Sam gets the first rose. I bloody knew it.

The Batman soundtrack is, at this stage, so loud that my eardrums are slightly perforated.

It’s Lisa. Lisa gets the rose and sometimes-wears-lipstick Louise is the loser. I gotta say, it’s kind of awful. I mean, the girl took the time to learn Afrikaan so that she could tell Vader she loved him! Obviously, Bachie only likes girls who speak English.

Louise is dumped into a limo and taken…where? Back to the airport? I hope not, because she is not dressed in the appropriate attire for a long-haul flight. Especially now that she is the loser and will have to take economy class on Loser Airlines.

Social media erupts with farewells to our fav sometimes-lipstick-wearing bachelorette and half of the eliminated bitches declare her the most beautiful Stepford Wife ever.

Do they know what Stepford Wife means?

Doubtful.

 

inygo

 

THE LAST EPISODE IS UPON US AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A NEW HOBBY! HELP ME I’M DYING WITH EXCITEMENT BUT ALSO GRIEF!

Catch you tomorrow my loves with the final instalment for this year. *Tear*

Who is your money on? Frankston chick Sam? Or Rich but Normal Lisa?

 

 

 

*This may/may not have been exactly what I was doing tonight

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: 8 Simple Rules for Dating Multiple Daughters

26 Sep

Guys, guys, guys…. You’re gonna have to keep an eye on me and stop me from losing my shit over the suggested events of next week before I finish this week’s parental wrap-up. Take a breath…yes, there’s a proposal…calm down. We have to get through meeting the in-laws first before that can happen. Baby steps.

OK. I’m good.

Episode opens. Things are back to normal, it would seem. Blake Vader is v v serious about home visits because he is running by water. Then he’s walking by water. Then he’s swimming in water. Then he slow exits from the water. Shit is getting real. Water.

Despite being given an hour and a half time slot tonight, we are wasting no time. Richard Mercer cannot possibly go on any longer without a wife. This is NO time for idle chit chat or mechanical bull riding.

LOUISE

What the shit? She lives in Thredbo? Is this even real? If this IS real life, WHEN has she possibly had the time (or purpose) to fit in all that lipstick wearing? Have you ever seen a skiier shoot down the slopes wearing the new Napolean Neon Nights No-Rub Satin Gloss Matte Pigment Pout Fancy Not-Fancy Loaded Lip Colour? Didn’t think so.

Many snow. Many kissing. Much kissing in the snow. With all this talk of snow, I assume her parents live in an igloo. This is obviously way cool and so I am bitterly disappointed when I find out they live in a regular house with… NO SNOW.

DER-RAMA! Blake Vader is so nervous about impressing one quarter of his girlfriends’ parents that he spills his champs all over Louise’s non-lipstick wearing father. It’s really serious, guys. Everyone looks concerned. How will Louise recover from this? Obvi, if she really loved him, she would take the blame for Richard Mercer’s boo-boo and apologise. But she doesn’t. It’s not looking good.

After Dad changes into clean dacks, he questions Bachie about his intentions and why he likes his lipstick-wearing daughter so much.

“I really liked Louise’s lipstick and she baked the bestest cake for me, like ever.”

Dad says he can’t ask for anything more than that.

Call me crazy, but maybe not dating three other women might have been a smart suggestion…

 

louise dad

You owe me new pants, dude

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial x2*

 

SAM

Sam tells us she’s from, “…the Mornington Penninsula.” Now, I know there are a few of you readers out there who are not from Melbourne so I’mma give you a quick Geography lesson; Mornington Penninsula is a fairly large and general area to the south of Melbourne and is the phrase most people use when they don’t want to tell you they actually come from Frankston. Which makes a lot of sense, considering Sam’s two-toned roots and disturbing penchant for bronzer.

They kick off home visit with a classy stop at the Penninsula Hot Springs. Because nothing says romance quite like marinating in other people’s dead skin cells. (Look, I have been there. Those baths are¬†communal, people, COMMUNAL!)

After their little dip, they arrive at Sam’s sisters house. Sam’s sister is obviously from the same Victorian School for Feminism as Sam because she explains that, “…being married is just the best thing.”

There is hope for Sam, though, because Sister evidently has a good hairdresser. Hopefully during their really natural and secret talk on the front lawn, she gave Sam his number.

At dinner everything is going really well and I am dying a little bit over Sam’s younger brother Josh who is, like, 10. But just while everyone is enjoying their $10 Savvy B, Sam panics and seems to only just now realise there are three WHOLE OTHER GIRLS wanting to marry her boyfriend.

Vader chases her outside, and, I’m really sorry guys, but I gotta say this (cover your eyes if you don’t like predicted spoilers): He loves her. Just pick her, already. But don’t because I really want to watch the last two episodes. But seriously.

Richard Mercer basically asks Sam to tell him that he is her effing soulmate and she can’t because…you know, feelings feelings, polygamy, walls, polygamy etc. He looks very upset. He explains that her guard went up again and she was obviously doubting herself, which is bloody ridiculous because he only has three other potential wives, HOW VERY DARE SHE.

 

LISA

Lisa is a Sunny Coast girl. From Noooooooosa. Because Noosa beach is, “outdoorsy.” Nooooooosa.

Umm, guys… LISA IS RICH!

Yeah, no big deal, her family just live in a waterfront mansion across from Lisa Curry-Kenny’s place. Because money.

 

lisa-curry-kenny

#neighbours

 

Nothing dramatic happens because Lisa and her rich family are normal and her dad doesn’t even give two shits because if she doesn’t win he will just buy her a husband.

Lisa, if you’re reading this, I will wife you.

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial*

 

JESS

Soo….this is really awkward. Jess/Elsa isn’t taking Blake Vader to her family home. She is having him meet her AT A FREAKING CARAVAN PARK! Apparently this is because she had many a happy family vacay here as a little one, but I am not sold. I have a really bad feeling her actual house is where they’ve been keeping Osher locked up in between episodes and forcing him to watch¬†Ready, Steady Cook.¬†

Blah blah blah they meet on the beach and have fish and chips and stare at each other and sexy forehead touch and speak really slowly about feelings. Then Jess/Elsa tells Vader that, should she win, she would want them to just date and NOT live together at first like any regular couple. Can anyone believe that came out of her mouth? It is pretty much the most normal thing she has said for the last 2 months. Consequently, Blake no likey.

Back at the Blue Dolphin, Mr & Mrs Jess have hired out one of those mega fancy cabins that us middle class slappers used to gawk at while chasing bush turkeys back to our crappy tent.

After doing some manly stuff (fishing) with Mr Jess, Richard Mercer returns to Cabin Versailles and takes Jess/Elsa outside again for more sexy forehead touching. She talks a lot about putting things on tables and Bachie pretends that it means something important.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Woah. Things are bloody #sombre. There is no cocktail party or pre-drinks or any general merriment. Osher floats in on his hair cloud for a moment and reminds us that things are really serious.

Lisa gets a rose.

Louise gets a rose. (And cries.)

My mouth was actually gaping at this moment…the moment that I realised that maybe I cared a bit too much about this show.

Jess/Elsa is taken outside for a last sexy forehead touch, I presume? No, no that’s not it; Vader is v conflicted and asks Jess/Elsa to tell him that he is the man for her. Like, THE man. Obviously, because she is Jess/Elsa and everything ever is amazing and awesome and this show is really about love, she strokes his ego with her slow talking and confirms that this is true. She goes back inside.

Sam looks pissed.

Blake Vader picks up the last rose *gasp*…he looks like he’s about to say something…. but something is wrong *gasp*…. something is happening to his face.

THIS…

 

crying

Strippers have feelings too

SAAAAAH MUCH EMOTION.

HOLY CRAP GUYS, JESS/ELSA IS GOING HOME! Even though she told him EXACTLY what he wanted to hear, she is a big, slow-talking loser whose fancy cabin just doesn’t fit in with the Bachie lifestyle.

The poor pet.

She handles it like any Disney princess and drives off into the night on her snowmobile. But before I can feel anymore sympathy, I see the teaser for next week’s finale and I JUST CANNOT DEAL!

I need to stem my flow…. I don’t know if I can make it to next Thursday…

Please join me for the final two installments in this Bachelor journey next week. I will try and be funny while I deal with the inevitable loss. But I can’t make any promises…

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The One With All the Losers

25 Sep

The losers bitches are back, peeps!

So, because The Bachelor¬†is all about female empowerment and reminding us women just how bloody awesome we are, tonight’s episode centres around the following premise: Hey, all you ladies threw yourselves at this guy and he rejected your asses, so we thought we’d put you all together in a room so you could watch him pash on with other bitches and then talk about how much he loves other said bitches!

Weeeeee! Applause to you, Channel 10.

And applause to you, Osher. I think we can safely say that, tonight, Osh was workin hard for the monaay. This is why he has been so AWOL of late; he’s been building his strength at his local barre class in anticipation for this epic episode.

Putting to good use his unquestionable interview/host skills, most recently seen in¬†Australian Idol,¬†Osh is doin what he does best by recapping the der-rama of the past few weeks through facilitating an ex-bitches bitch forum (and doin a little bit of judging along the way.) All the bitches are here…like, all of them. They are in their best midriff ensembles and they are out for blood.

* In case you hadn’t noticed, tonight’s episode actually has nothing to do with the home visits (waah) and there is very little Blake Vader to point and laugh at; Channel 10 are trying to milk this baby for all it’s worth and so tonight is ALL about a trip down memory lane. (Also, they’ve exhausted their budget and Velocity Points by flying all remaining cast members to their respective homes around eastern Australia, so we hadda buy some time.)

So first of all: who ARE all these bitches? Yes, I’d had a few champs the night of the premiere, but I swear to Oprah that I do not recall half of the faces in the back row. Not that that matters, because none of them say anything of note…actually, they aren’t even looked at by Osher’s hair because they are big losers who didn’t make it through the first two episodes and no one likes them and they just sit there yawning and wondering when they’re going to be getting their one year membership to Fitness First and a guest spot on¬†The Living Room.¬†

Guys, guys! The effing great news is Anita is back. And thank you, God, we get to see her sing her stalky song to Vader again. In case you were wondering, it’s just as good the second time around. Admittedly, Anita does tell us that she is, “…not a singer,” but continues to demonstrate that she is adorably crazy and is probably planning to single-white-female one of the remaining girls to get back on the show. Gawd I miss her.

Canadian Horse Whisperer and Laurina/Bane have a make up session.

Laurina: I’m sorry you’re allergic to horses.

CHW: I’m sorry I called you fake, but you are kind of fake.

Laurina: You have a really big “personality”.

CHW: You have really big eyebrows.  We are best friends. Maple Syrup.

 

Not content with Laurina getting all the attention, Osh has a sit-down with Canadian Horse Whisperer and they deconstruct all of her adult tanties and body con dresses and, wait…did Canadian Horse Whisperer and Osher just do flirting? Guys, I feel weird. Someone get me a Gaviscon.

 

OMIGOD I FINALLY SAW LAURINA IMITATE JESS/ELSA AND IT IS EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE!

Laurina also gets one-on-one time with Osh and, for some reason, all the best bits are shown now that weren’t shown when she was actually ON the show and now I feel duped. I mean, if I’d have known she went on that fateful bowling/Street Pie date in a satin dress¬†without underwear¬†maybe I wouldn’t have been so judgmental. Ladies, come on. Remember the last time you went commando on a date night? The only thing you were up for was sitting very still on a padded chair and drinking until you felt comfortable telling your date that you left your underwear at home. If someone had asked me to go bowling whilst free-balling in a satin dress, I’m preeeetty sure my response would be something like this…

 

no

The moral of the story is this: I farking miss you, Laurina. Even Osher’s badly disguised judgment at your Passions of the Christ/Sky Diving ordeal didn’t deter you; you are still my Kanye and I will wait patiently in the middle of South Yarra everyday with my Laurina flag and my #DirtyStreetPie until you decide we can be besties.

Blah blah blah the intruder bitches are interviewed etc. “It was really hard…we had good intentions…we are totally still relevant…”

I should mention that I am three drinks to the wind at this point, so I got a little bit over it. And I wanted Vader/Parental action. Honestly, the loser bitches also looked hell bored too. One of them unashamedly YAWNS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE CAMERA. Gosh it was good.

Who’s not a giver of f*#^s?

who-1

This guy. (At least I think it was this guy)

We finish off the ep with Osher forcing the loser bitches to hedge their bets on which remaining bitch they would want to see their ex boyfriend try and marry because that is a totally normal way to deal.

LOUISE

I was right. All she talks about is baking and the loser bitches all confirm that. They discuss her baking and how she is totes ‘Stepford’ and that they didn’t think she had a chance in hell, but now they are second guessing themselves because maybe Blake only likes girls with one serious hobby and bright lipstick.

JESS

Did they kiss on the first date? Did they not kiss on the first date? Does anyone still give a shit? I know I do not. ¬†Ladies, I think the thing we SHOULD be discussing is how it takes Jess a week and a half to get out a sentence lately. “Myyyyy ……hhhhhearrrt…..it’s beeeeeating so faaaaast.”

LISA

She is normal so no one has much to say about her. Except that she’s hot. Seems legit.

SAM

OMIGOD SHE IS SO GOOFY AND FUNNY I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER SHE IS THE BEST EVER REMEMBER WHEN SHE PUT MINTS IN HER BRA!

Cut to a montage of Blake kissing all of the aforementioned girls and my head is in the toilet.

Join me tomorrow when, word on the street is, Richard Mercer has a full-on Bachelor breakdown and cries. Maybe he’s allergic to horses too. Or just parents. Hard to say…

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: You’re Boring Me

18 Sep

Soz guys.
I wasn’t going to blog this episode because, well, it sucked. EVERYTHING IS THE WORST WITHOUT LAURINA!

However, in the interest of overcoming the grieving period, and because I am all about personal growth, here are the things you need to know:

  • They go to the Blue Mountains. Jess/Elsa is expectedly super excited. The others look pissed. The bitches from last year went to some secluded beach in WA and then Thailand. The Blue Mountains are an hour’s bus drive from Sydney. This is bullshit.
  • However, this means the bitches can finally crack out the designer puffer vests.
  • They all abseil down a mountain. No one falls. It’s really disappointing.
  • Vader and Louise pash with tongue.
  • He gets in a hot tub with Jess/Elsa and she recites a few Hallmark cards to him. He likes it.
  • More ads for smelly vagina wash.
  • Vader is mad at Lisa because she laughs at stuff.
  • ERRYBODY TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS AND HOW HARD IT IS TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!
  • Feelings.
  • Sam is taken to High Tea. She looks confused as to why there is no beer.
  • The cocktail party is cancelled. The bitches get drunk by themselves.
  • Everyone stares out of windows and rotundas and tries to act poignant.
  • Curly Haired Girl #2 (Zoe) doesn’t get a rose. Lisa is sad because she is normal. This should win her some points with Richard Mercer.
  • I prop my eyes open with toothpicks and cling hopefully to next week’s episode…… HOME VISITS! WEEEEE!

 

 

image

Where’s the booze?

*Post Episode Side Boob Note*

I did a little experiment. I watched ‘Law & Order’ straight after this. And do you know what I discovered? There are no ads for smelly vagina wash during other programs! This is an outrage. I see what you’re playing at, Channel 10….

 

 

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: The Fairytale is Ovaaah

18 Sep

Once upon a time, there lived six crazy bitches. They lived in a waterfront home on Sydney Harbor where they spent their days casually laying about in a giant rotunda, idly debating which Spice Girl¬†was the best one. One day, their Fairy Godbrother, Osher, appeared out of nowhere to weave his magic wand and offer them the one thing they had always wanted; a television contract a fairytale date with their communal boyfriend, Blake. And so began a beautiful love story…

 

No, but seriously, someone¬†did manage¬†to drag Osher away from his Nutri Bullet for 5 minutes to get him to set. Evidently he’s also had a few highlights put into that glorious crown for good measure. Because he’s only fulfilling the bare minimum of contractual hours these days, it leaves him just enough time to give the girls a quick Maths revision before he returns to his organic, clean-eating lair: Six minus five is one. This means one whole person is left over. Meaning one whole person will leave the mansion rose-less. Once again, they are shocked.

Sam must have scored the highest in Maths this week because she gets the aforementioned individual date.

Osher did mention something about a very special guest and just when I was rolling my eyes thinking, who else would it be but Blake Vader himself, but, holy crap you guys, STOP EVERYTHING! IT IS A LITTLE GIRL IN A FAIRY COSTUME WITH A WAND. Evidently, someone thought it would be genius to dress an under-aged child in a Fairy Godmother costume and have her partake in the sexist farce that is a bunch of adult women baking cakes and riding mechanical bulls to get a gay guy to wife them.

Nailed it.

Although, I gotta say, young Tinkerbell is throwing a hell of a lot of sass out there and she is actually way better at reading her cue cards than Richard Mercer. She instructs Sam to open a large gift from her ‘Prince Charming’ and we all know it’s a dress because there is no way Vader¬†would let his beards out in public in ripped jeans and a beanie. Sam oohs and aahs over it a few times and Tinkerbell cannot help but judge her before sashaying off to wherever it is she came from.

 

fairy

Bitch, please.

 

Vader explains that, “Sam has really rubbed my ego of late, so I wanted to reward her with another date.” Sounds just like something Prince Charming would say. So much fairytale.

With Disney’s greatest hits playing in the background, Sam is taken to a jeweler to borrow some stuff. See, this isn’t one of those two-become-one dates, like the Curly Haired Death Match we witnessed earlier this season. You only get to keep the jewellery in those ones. Lucky for Sam, really, because the shit Vader is picking out for her is bloody hideous, jussayin.

All this borrowing of weird swan jewellery is leaving Sam v v overwhelmed and she gets totes emoshi right there in the store. Fortunately, bitches crying over shit that has nothing to do with him is exactly what gives Vader his jollies. He is super impressed by her feelings and, thus, she progresses through to the next round of the date.

 

*SIDE NOTE* Did anyone else notice that the ad breaks are now featuring commercials for smelly vagina wash? Coincidence…?….

 

Back in the Casual Outdoor Rotunda, the remaining bitches are delivered the group date card by Curly Haired Girl #2, Zoe, who is attempting to fill Chantal/David Attenborough’s¬†shoes as resident commentator and explainer of all things, but is obviously failing miserably because there can only be one David.

The date card is basically something something about exotic. Jess/Elsa thinks it could be teppenyaki. Bless her.

We momentarily leave the remaining bitches sitting around still¬†looking puzzled about the word ‘exotic’ and head back to FairytaleLand to see what other super romantic things Vader hasn’t planned for Sam and if she’s still crying over them.

They’re now at The Tea Room. I’ve been there. It is super fancy. Andre Rieu’s piano playing cousin has been brought in for mood music. Let’s call him Pepe. While Pepe smashes out some tunes, Richard Mercer attempts to take Sam for a spin on the dance floor, only to be thwarted by her boob mints. Because she’s really dorky, remember guys? I mean, WHO WOULD BE SO ZANY AS TO PUT MINTS IN THEIR BRA OMIGOD SHE IS TOO MUCH WE ARE LAUGHING SO HARD!

Because Sam is so zany and dorky and puts mints in her bra, Vader gifts her with a box made of chocolate. Obviously Adriano Zumbo made it. But she completely ignores it and is much more taken by the really ugly necklace inside. Not eating the chocolate gift box is a f*#&ing travesty of justice.

“Luckily for you, there was enough left over money in the budget this week, so you get to keep this. Oh, by the way, here’s a rose.”

 

GROUP DATE

 

I used to kind of like Jess/Elsa. Her wide-eyed wonderment and loving of basically everything ever was almost endearing. But after this episode, she has officially pushed me into a diabetic coma and I cannot deal.

“Whenever I see Blake, it’s like…a sunrise. It gives me hope.”

No.

Just no.

I want to stab my eardrums with my pen.

 

Teaming with the theme of both fairytales and exotic, the bitches find themselves in Aladdin’s cave. And because Blake, “loves adventure,” the team at Channel 10 have logically decided to pitch the girls against a bunch of half-naked belly-dancers. Seems legit.

Not to be outdone, the bitches are up on their feet, shaking what their white mama’s gave them. Laurina is right into it, dancing like any good girl at Orange Whip on a Friday night.

Louise and Jess catch Vader’s attention and get some alone time. Louise is her perky, lipstick-wearing self. They talk about baking.

Jess/Elsa reveals her other way of communicating with Blake apart from sexy forehead touching: sexy finger touching. They sit there and sexy finger touch and stare at each other long enough for me to do this:

 

 dawson

 Staaaaaahp!

Even Richard Mercer is getting savvy on her crazy-eyed-slack-jawed-slow-blinking wonderment these days. He awkwardly extracts himself from the finger touching before she gets pregnant and finds Laurina.

And that is when all of the shit hits all of the fans.

In what appears to be an unguarded moment about feelings and intimacy, Blake does something so¬†horribly offensive and not OK to poor Laurina it’s almost amusing;

He. Touches. His. Eye.

Yep, you heard right. The man has the audacity to scratch his itchy eye while Laurina is mid-sentence. All over the internet, headlines read: Finger of Destiny; Man Touches Eye!

Guys, this is almost as serious as the #DirtyStreetPie incident.

Laurina is not having a bar of it. Not one bar. She abruptly ends the conversation and stares him down. It’s bloody brill.

COCKTAIL PARTY

In an effort to undo the damage of the Touching Eye Incident, Vader is quick to find Laurina again¬†and allow her to apologize for not liking him touch his eye and give him graphic details about their wedding day and all the beautiful children they’re going to have. But in a moment that I’m sure is totally NOT in retaliation of the Touching Eye Incident at all, Laurina stops him mid-sentence….to get a mint from her bag.

Gosh, she’s just heaven sometimes.

      kanye

I’mma let you finish…

Vader asks her whether she thinks about their future together, and she launches into this a-ma-zing speech about her super amazing life in Melbourne and how they would live in Melbourne and go to amazing Melbourne cafes and botanical gardens and have Melbourne babies. Because Melbourne.

Vader is stunted. He is actually completely lost for words that she has not simply offered up her child-bearing body at the bottom of Mt Blake for him to speed away to Perth in one of his many sea planes slash helicopters. It’s bad. But also really, really¬†awesome. Laurina has just tore him a new one.

“I feel like things are usually on your terms,” he finally realizes.

And for that, she gets sent home.

And this is where I would like to do this…

Laurina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being¬†mean to¬†you. I’m sorry I judged your street pie and your side boob. You might actually be my hero. While the other bitches were busy feeling sorry for Blake having to date all of them at once, you were flying the flag for¬†No Shits Given Incorporated¬†and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. You are the new Kanye West and I am not worthy.

Vale, my friend.

jess blake 2

I would never stand in your way of eye touching. #sunrise #hope