The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: A Bitch’s Place is in the Kitchen

29 Aug

Wow. Like Susan Sarandon’s boobs, feminism and gender equality were just flying all over the place tonight, amiright?

Also…WHERE IS BLAKE VADER AND HIS BOARDSHORTS? This is the second episode in a row that has not begun with a customary pec shot. Guys, I’m concerned for someone’s safety. Maybe he stabbed himself with his fancy cufflinks and the scarring is too horrific for national television.

But no matter, because he’s obviously in a fit enough state to take one of the crazy ladies on a date. And that date goes to Curly Haired Girl #2 – Zoe. As in the curly-haired one who DIDN’T get sent home in the Curly-Haired Death Match. Zoe is so super dooper excited that she gets airborne off the couch. The other bitches aren’t as enthusiastic, but they give it a red hot go. Honestly, just watching Canadian Horse Whisperer’s face every time she doesn’t get a single date is making my life.

Zoe steps out in her fav party dress and teeters down the jetty toward a waiting boat.

“Hellooouuuuu!” she coos at the poor old guy driving the thing. Let’s call him Higgins. Higgins chucks it into fourth gear (or whatever gear is needed to drive a boat) and speeds Curly Haired Girl Zoe across to some private island in Sydney Harbour where, as a welcoming gesture, Blake is doing The. Worst. Dancing. Ever. That. I. Just. Can’t. Even.

Run, Curly Haired Girl. Run for your life.

However, not put off by Richard Mercer’s inability to dance to anything that isn’t accompanied by a stripper pole, Zoe happily bounces down the walkway, ready to get lei-d.

With flowers, guys. Obviously Vader has gone to all the trouble of inviting these native Vanuatu dancers and flying them over first class in his sea plane himself. Not, but seriously, I’m pretty sure I saw one of the dudes from Home & Away in there. He was loving life.

Best line of the episode goes to Curly Haired Girl when she tells us that, “…my university boyfriend broke my heart, which was, you know, really heartbreaking.” No shit.

To comfort her, Blake takes Curly Haired Girl down to a kitsch tiki hut for a cocktail while the litter from Sydney Harbor gently washes up on the shore. Because Vanuatu. After explaining that he wanted to give CHG the chance to ask him “anything” she immediately responds with, “Are you a homo?” “Why did you keep me?”

I don’t remember his reasoning, but it was something to do with walls and feelings. Snore.

GROUP DATE!

Because Vader is not content with just measuring the bitches child-rearing abilities, he needs to make sure that their 60’s housewife skills are also up to scratch with a bake-off. This complete slap in the face to feminism is lost on the bitches though, because they all react with a disgusting level of excitement and general merriment.

susan

Susan is judging you

This apparent joy spills over into their arrival at the Kitchen of Female Slavery as they all excitedly walk arm in arm with each other. “Omigod we love each other! Cooking is good. We are all BEST friends who love to cook together!”

Bitch, please.

Richard Mercer is waiting for them there and tells them that he loves to have a good time in the kitchen, so it is v v important to him that he gets the chance to sit here and watch them all bake him something. Meanwhile, Osher looks terrified; he hasn’t been around refined carbohydrates in months. He’s not okay.

Mary is worried because she has never baked a cake. Like ever. Being a Drama student obviously means she leads a v demanding lifestyle which leaves her no time to cook. Like ever. Vader is shocked.

Louise, on the other hand, is all about the baking skills and pretty much bakes everybody else’s cakes which proves she is the best Stepford Wife. Meanwhile, poor Cara is attempting a choc orange Jaffa number which sounds promising, but she is promptly interrupted by a hungry Richard Mercer who has decided now is a good time for a chat. Unfortunately, Cara is a little pre-occupied with trying to create her culinary masterpiece, and their conversation is somewhat stunted. Cara tries to get Blake to help her out but he is actually super shit and judgemental and is too busy investigating their connection to be of any use. Obviously this is Cara’s fault, how VERY dare she.

Cara cops it again when Canadian Horse Whisperer tells her she’s going to turn off someone’s oven and Cara discovers that oven is her oven. But when she asks CHW if she turned off her oven, CHW is insulted that she would think she would turn off someone’s oven because she doesn’t like drama and turning off ovens. They are fighting.

They all sit down with their baked goods and Vader expertly proclaims that Lisa’s love heart cake was made with love.

Well, dude, if her cake was made with love, Mary’s cake was made with crazy.

It is actually the best/worst cake fail ever.

cake fail

#yolo

Louise’s, on the other hand, looks bloody delicious, and lesbihonest, I would eat the shit out of that. As a prize, Louise will probably get to touch foreheads with Blake for a whole five minutes. She doesn’t care that she won, though, just that Vader liked her cooking. Because values.

At the Rose Ceremony, Curly Haired Girl gets really emoshi all of a sudden because Vader is such a considerate lover to her and his eleven other beards. I mean, gosh, she’s just so happy to have found him. Camera cross fade down to her dress and it becomes clear that her emotional outburst was probably more to do with the fact that her own breasts were strangling her because they are OUT.

She graciously exits to clean herself up, when she is intercepted by the man himself. He seems happy to see her and her chest. “We haven’t really touched boobs.. I MEAN BASE since our date the other day,” he croons. Curly Haired Girl nods and holds it together and manages not to suffocate.

During the rose ceremony, the producers are doing A LOT of focusing on Laurina and Canadian Horse Whisperer, which usually means one of them is about to be condemned to die alone with 50 cats. OH MY GAWWWWD YOU CANNOT VOTE THEM OFF BECAUSE I NEED THEM!

Phew! The assistant director passes Vader the name of the girl going home tonight, and it’s Cara.

Oh Cara. Cara you poor pet. You are getting the boot because you couldn’t bake a cake and establish a deep connection and riveting conversation with a gay man at the same time. The producer tell Blake to escort her outside and explain why she’s being fired. But it’s too late. She knows it’s because she failed at being a woman because she couldn’t bake and talk at the same time.

Although her parting speech in the limo is oddly rational, so it’s probably for the best.

Join me next week when Laurina is forced to eat street pie out of a garbage bin.*

 

*that last bit might have been made up. But pie IS involved.

 

 

 

 

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