The Bachelor Season 3: In 200 Words or Less

7 Aug

Guys, have you ever felt really excited about something, thought about it for several days, gotten yourself all dressed up for the occasion and then, like the finale of ‘How I Met Your Mother’, been so superbly let down you wanted to drown yourself in a bucket of Pinot?

Yeah that.

Tonight was meant to be Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s White Non-Sex Rose Date. Bitch had built this epic-ness up so much I was totally ready for supreme hipster dating game.

But… it was kind of a fizzer. The whole episode was really. So due to this and the fact that I am so ridiculously time-poor, here is my wrap-up in 200 words of less, with the help of visual aids:

 

Heather likes to doodle cool, dorky things.

 

art

#art

 

The other bitches like high buns and Tiffany pendants.

 

Personal training sessions in creepy prop museums are now a thing.

 

prop museum

Props are sexy.

 

Woody JUST LOVES ALL THE THINGS!

 

spongebob

Everything is THE BEST!

 

A girl called Rachel is on this show?

rachel

I thought you were Sarah?

 

Heather and Woody dress up in my old dance concert costumes.

 

superheroes

Pretty sure I danced to Janet Jackson in this.

 

Emily is still baffled by the White Rose. (ME TOO, BABE!)

 

Woody has no idea what the Friendzone ACTUALLY is.

 

jelly wrestle

This is definitely not what it is.

 

More pashing.

 

heather kiss

This is also not what it is.

 

Anal Glands literally cannot stop talking about anal glands.

 

dawson

Stahhhhhp!

 

There were hot lifeguards in this episode and no one tried to swim out to sea and escape.

 

Joni is very serious. She doesn’t like water. She is clearly going home.

 

joni

Bachie need water.

 

Pecking one of your 12 bitches on the lips in front of 3 of your other bitches is NOT OK.

 

say what

This is totally unexpected.

 

There’s an ATRIUM in the house?!

 

peck

I think this is it?

 

Jasmin/Fire Hazard has never had a boyfriend before. Life makes sense again.

 

Channel 10 are getting really slack at making it hard to guess who is going home.

 

bye ag

I’ll miss you, Anal Glands.

Please join me next week when things are hopefully heaps more interesting.

I wonder if I can still sneak “anal glands” into these posts?

Challenge accepted.

xx

 

 

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