The Bachelor Season 3: The Climb

13 Aug

There’s always gonna be another mountain…

Or in this case, another bitch trying to kiss my boyfriend.

 

 

Today in the House that Spotlight Built, there is no time for swimming or thinking montages because erryone is still super mad that Woody kissed one of his 12 girlfriends in front of 3 of his other girlfriends.

Poor Cool But Not So Cool Girl, H-Bomb, is having a really hard time trying to deal with this recent turn of events and has seemingly forgotten that she is on a television dating show where she is literally pitted against other women for the chance to date a guy.

Osher rocks up just in time to ease the tension, wearing his best Gazman button-up. GUYS! He’s got a DATE CARD! And it goes to Nina. I’m almost positive she’s the one with dark hair who plans other people’s weddings and isn’t Sandra?

Whatever. She dons her most inappropriate top and skinny jeans and heads on out to Sydney Harbour. Again. Because Bachie cannot possibly undertake dating activities that aren’t in the vicinity of water or harbours.

Woody meets her at the pier and tells her he’s had this super special date saved just for her and it had nothing to do with the producers. He also tells her that he loves the fact that she hasn’t asked him to do anything for her or made him feel bad about dating her 15 housemates. What a gal!

 

nina excited

I LOVE climbing things!

 

As it turns out, this super special date Woody definitely planned himself is a Harbour Bridge Climb. You know the thing that 150 tourists do every day? Yeah that. Nina tells him he is “craaaaazy!” People in glass houses, babe…

While they climb the steps of the bridge, Woody admits that apart from women who might make him feel bad about stuff, he is also terrified of heights. It is v v romantic.

Thank GAWD Osher is at the top to try and inject some form of excitement into this date. No big deal guys, he’s just been waiting up here all morning. #commitment.

With his glorious weave flapping in the smog-filled breeze, Osher explains that they are going to break a world record: The longest televised kiss on top of the Harbour Bridge! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT DONE FOR PUBLICITY! THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER!

They waste no time getting right down to business.

Guys, I really don’t know what my brain was doing, but I honestly didn’t think they would literally show the entire 4 minutes of sucking face. How wrong I was. You could see the shame in Osher’s eyes as he commentated the whole thing (as in, he shouted numbers at them).

I salute you, Sir Gunsberg.

All I could think about for that 4 minutes was whether or not they’d brushed their teeth.

 

britney

 

Meanwhile, back in the Formal Dining Room, Bitch Face Emily is talking with…someone about the possibility of Woody sucking face with Nina. While we are shown Woody sucking face with Nina. Romance.

are they kissing

They are definitely not kissing.

After the longest 4 minutes of my life is over, the two of them go back to a random Harbour-side apartment to sit amongst red and white cushions and talk about feelings. Nina gets a rose. And hopefully some Vaseline for that mean pash rash she must have now. Yowzers.

Nina returns home and tells everyone about her record-breaking date.

Not So Cool Girl Heather’s face is EVERYTHING.

 

heather unsure

I’m cool with this…

heather shock

I will cut a bitch.

GROUP DATE!

Guys, it was only a matter of time before competitive sports were introduced. And this season it appears to be Bubble Soccer i.e. a game where bitches wear short shorts and try and look dignified while running around in an inflatable bubble. I mean, it is definitely the way I plan to bag my future husband.

Craylor Swift is off chops about it. I legit fear for her vocal chords.

Woody referees this complete dedication to gender equality and my boobs hurt just watching it.

Back at the mansion, the other bitches are sitting around baking. For realz. Proving once again that if you aren’t playing competitive sports in your underwear, you must be baking things. #feminism.

soccer teams

Something about Wood and balls.

The green team win and for their efforts are gifted with a Mexican fiesta with Woody aboard a boat. Because water.

Sandra’s extreme commitment to the game and ability to scream things gets her some alone time with Bachie and you just KNOW this is the end. I mean, it’s no secret that the producers have kept her around because she makes better television than a drunk Karl Stefanovic, but I am suddenly feeling really sad. The whole exchange between her and Woody went something like this:

W: You’re really competitive.

S: OMG YESSS!! HAHAHA I LOVE SPORTS AND BALLS!

W: Yeah, we…

S: I MEAN IT WAS SO MUCH FUN I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU *inaudible laughing/screaming*

W: Do you li…

S: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT ENCHILADA? I LOVE PINATAS!! HAHAHA OMG THIS IS THE BEST! *inaudible laughing/screaming*

Bye bye Sandra. I miss you already.

The other bitches sit out on deck eating Mexican food and looking generally pissed off. I mean, take away the whole “boat” thing and you’ve got any other Friday night.

Later on at the Rose Ceremony, Sandra tells us that her chat with Woody went roily roily well and she expects a rose tonight. Baaaaaabe…..

Bitch Face Emily is in premium hater mode and hates on everyone along with her side-kick, Fire Hazard. BFE makes it clear she will not be approaching Sam any time soon and will continue to sit in her Sour Puss Tower and await his invitation to a day spa.

Woody is clearly psychic and not being told who to talk to by the assistant director because, funnily enough, he appears out of nowhere and asks BFE to accompany him outside.

Bachie admits that he is a little intimidated by Emily because she seems like a tough one to crack. (Lol, “crack”). Gosh, I don’t know WHERE he would get that from considering Emily is only about the smiles.

emily

I’m so happy for you.

She goes back to the Formal Lounge Room and not-so-subtly tells Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather that Woody isn’t interested in a friend and only wants fireworks.  Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather tries to play it cool but fails miserably and leaves the room to go hang with her cool, awkward crowd.

the A group

L-R: Jasmin, Emily and some other bitch

 

Before things get even more high school, it’s finally Rose Ceremony time.

I don’t reeeeeally need to recap this part because we ALL know who’s going home. The producers even try and trick us by placing some random girl called Rachel(?) next to Sandra before Woody hands out the final rose. You’re not fooling anyone, Channel 10.

Yep, it’s curtains for Craylor Swift. I’m devastated. I don’t care what anyone says… I loved her.

You go and scream/laugh at all the little children, Craylor! We will miss you.

 

miley climb

Godspeed, Sandra.

xx

 

 

 

 

 

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