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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: Dear (Total Girl) Diary…

23 Aug

Hoo boy… I feel as though I’m gonna be using that phrase on the reg this season.

 

First of all, I’m sorry, but there are some woman on this show who are already losing their Cotton On panties over a man they barely know. I mean, why am I so surprised? I’ve written about this bloody show since it’s first season, but there’s just….something about this lap around the track that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

It could just be the facial hair. Idk.

 

Okay so obviously the producers are straight up exploiting Cass’ distorted emotions for ratings and I hate to admit that I am here for it. They throw her a big ol’ bone by way of a single date card hint about “…paths crossing before,” but alas, they are referring to Nick’s possible second cousin Britt-Ann-Y.

Cass looks as crushed as I did the day I accidentally found out Santa Claus was most likely just my mum and dad with different hand-writing. She runs off to journal her feelings in her Total Girl diary.

Meanwhile, Britt-Ann-Y is invited to board Nick’s vessel which I wish was a funny euphemism I made up myself but it’s actually real words he yelled at her. Turns out Britt has got some serious sexy-eye problems and goes about this single date as if Bachie Badger is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, when really he’s explaining how to jam her foot in a hole.

#AussieRomance.

 

Mmm…footgolf…

 

 

Eventually they are in a pool and we get some of my favourite Pool Pashing meaning Britt is the lucky recipient of the First Real Pash (soz Romy). I gotta say, them curls of his in the water are both kind of hot but also remind me of a wet poodle so my lady parts are confused.

Luckily, there is no confusion on Cousin Britt’s side, and there’s some more pashing before she accepts a rose.

 

GROUP DATE

Sometimes I feel like once the lame photo shoot date in episode 2 is done, the producers literally stop giving a f*** about what they get the women to do the rest of the time. Case in point: this date.

It sucks.

Nothing really interesting happens but it seems to be sport based because Bachie Badger is full sport. Sport.

 

I don’t know sport but I’m almost positive this isn’t what it is.

 

Silver lining – Vanessa Sunshine wins the challenge and still doesn’t crack a smile and good God I love her. She’s the Kim Day to Nick’s Kel Knight and everyone in Australia is on board. Except maybe Nick but who gives a f*** what he wants. Probably sport though.

Ironically, during the ad breaks are the updates about the #LibSpill and can we just elect Vanessa Sunshine as new Prime Minister because I have a gut feeling she’d do a bang up job.

 

VS for PM 2018 

 

Meanwhile, Brooke, who still has the Sex Key in case you’d forgotten, is starting to sweat bullets because it’s been a whole 3 days and she hasn’t had a lot of time with Bachie Badger and I don’t wanna be mean about it, but honestly bebe, I was hoping you’d save that Sex Key for a time when he already had a girl in his house and you’d bust open the door ala Jim Carey in The Cable Guy and just make yourself at home slash maybe start a sex fight. (I don’t even know what a sex fight would be but it sounds entertaining.)

Urgh, she panic-uses the damn Sex Key and goes over first thing in the bloody morning for Bacon and Egg McMuffins and football. SNORE.

You’re killing me, Brooke. Although I like that you wore your pajamas because that is definitely a mood but don’t pretend you’re some “Cool Girl” because I can still see your bronzer and eyeshadow. I’m no fool.

They eventually play some sport and then pash because us viewers deserve that at least and we’re sick of watching sport things.

Good bye Sex Key. You were a bigger let-down than Britney’s 2010 Comeback Concert.

 

Good one, BROOKE. 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

FINALLY! Some interesting shit is happening by way of Bintang Cat and her bestie Romy just being meanies to everyone. Does anyone else kind of love the drama but then hate themselves for loving women being bitches? Asking for a friend.

HOLD UP.

Cass has appeared from behind a fake bush and SHE IS HOLDING HER DIARY COULD THIS BE REAL PLEASE OSHER MAKE IT REAL!

She and Nick sit down and already you can see his pupil’s are dilated to the max, ready for the attack. Cass is in full-blown Zero Chill Mode and I am so goddamn ready. She looks sweaty.

THE WOMAN IS READING FROM HER LITERAL DIARY ABOUT HOW SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AT FITNESS FIRST AND SOMETHING ABOUT A PRECIOUS MOMENT IN TIME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

 

Curse Total Girl magazine for giving out free diaries!

 

I definitely do feel like I can see the poor girl’s heart beating through her chest and maybe she’ll just start bleeding idk.

Guys, this is intense. Cass is just staring at him like I would imagine a giant crocodile would stare at you right before it ripped your small intestine out. #straya.

I just feel so sorry for this girl because they obviously boned one time and because she is a mere 23 she has caught the feels and written it all down in her diary and Nick is legit acting like every damn f***boi who sleeps with a girl once and then pretends he barely knows her and I’m kind of mad at Cass for perpetuating that myth that women fall in love with every penis they meet this is so frustrating.

But then the internet brought us this:

 

 

And once again we are all reminded why we are here.

Cass is definitely getting a rose but not because Nick likes her but because she is giving all the producers drama boners. She is too pure for this world.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Der-rama! Three whole women are going home tonight and honestly, Bachie Badger just looks relieved because spinning yarns with this many women makes for tiring work. But maybe also a very nice scarf.

Sadly for me he farewells Energy Healer Cayla as well as the Cayla who jumped in the pool. Lol. What a time to be alive that was.

Some other girl whose name I’ve forgotten is also let go but no one has any time to look her up on Ten Play because Non-Pool-Jumping Cayla is breaking protocol and asking Nick to step outside with her so they can talk. My God I hope she smudges his aura with her sage stick.

Close.

She basically just tells him about the Mean Girls group and how Cat, Romy and their other non-descript mate are big ol meanies.

Obviously, Bachie Badger ain’t well versed in lady talk so he just thanks her awkwardly and then throws her in a limo quicker than you can say, “rose quartz”.

 

Bye Cayla. I hope I find you again at the Mind Body Spirit Festival.

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: A Typical Aussie Honey Badger

16 Aug

Hoy boy, this season is going to be a cracker.

 

Hello, welcome back, put on your best footy jersey (lol I don’t own one of those) and get comfy.

 

It’s Bachie Season of the Honey Badger kind, and let me just say, this first episode was already more Aussie than Scotty Cam and Alf Stewart selling dollar snags at Bunnings.

 

Would be so proud.

 

Look, I know very little about this Nick Cummins/Honey Badger person and, to be frank, I’m not very willing or interested in researching him much further than the fact that he played football and has a pretty wide vocabulary of cooked expressions.

Oh and I can’t decide if I want to smoosh his weird face or punch it.

I’ll get back to you.

Bachie Badger has allegedly fallen in love twice (according to his Instagram, both times with offensively good looking women) but missed the goal posts thus far. He’s hoping that three times’ the charmer and I guess being the meat in a husband competition sandwich seems like the right way to go. (I’m sorry, I have no idea if that analogy made any sense.)

He’s very very Typical Aussie Bloke because he likes sport and shit and makes super ocker jokes all the time and calls women sheilas. Put him in an old Penguin shirt and some stubbies, and he could be any Queenslander’s drunk uncle.

 

Yeah! Sport!

 

Anyway, we don’t care about him we only care about the poor women who have been sitting in a limo full of cheap champagne for the last 5 hours.

 

Here are my favourites/ones to watch:

Shannon: First horse outta the stocks (is that how that goes?) Definitely wifey material because they did a whole big background thing on her and she rides a skateboard. SO COOL! She also laughs a lot and opens her mouth real wide so I feel like there might be some good groper fish-style jokes in the works for me. She’s a “Car Care Specialist” which I guess means she works at Repco??

Brooke: Also a definite wifey and because Channel 10 wanna make it super clear they don’t ONLY cast skinny white women, she makes a big point about being Indigenous. I’m here for her. Except when she carries not one, but two footballs out of the limo with her and then actually says to the camera that she’s really relieved Bachie, “likes sports” because that’s definitely not a thing that 90% of straight men like. They are obviously soulmates.

Carla: Energy Healer. Here for the entertainment value as opposed to the romance because her theme music was not dissimilar to when Lisa Simpson played the jug. Gives Bachie Badger a 2kg rose quartz crystal that has the blood of her enemies good energy in it. She is straight up loopy and I obviously love her. (Side note: apparently there is another Carla but this is the only one I care about).

Dark Haired Travel Lady: Legit have forgotten her name but she has dark hair and is super dooper travel. So much so, that Bachie proclaims it has made her suuuuuch a mature and interesting person after only meeting her for 60 seconds. They were also born in the same town around the same time so they might be related idk?

Cass: DER-RAMA! Cass has “history” with this Typical Aussie Bloke and freaks the funk out when she sees him. The Producers ask her if she’s okay and whether there was any romantic interaction in the past but she stays pretty coy about the whole thing. When she finally fronts up to Bachie Badger, he laughs awkwardly and yells, “Hello hello!” which means they definitely boned. Cass is only 23 and has terrible hair extensions and absolutely zero chill.

 

My horoscope in New Idea said this was going to happen.

 

Dasha: She’s Russian and good looking and I don’t know what else to really say about her except vodka, which she drinks at the cocktail party and because I use cheap jokes.

Cat: Cat is from Bali and actually lives in Bali you know where Bali is right? Yeah she’s from Bali. She’s sarcastic AF and will definitely be pinned as a villain.

Vanessa Sunshine: OK WAIT EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This woman introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine but…is her name hyphenated like Vanessa-Sunshine or is Sunshine her last name and she just really likes saying the whole thing? WHAT IS GOING ON WE MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!! I actually couldn’t concentrate because my brain was working harder than it has in weeks and I still don’t know how her name works but I can tell you she is definitely a villain and wouldn’t tell Bachie Badger where she was from because she wanted to remain mysterious. They must keep her.

 

IS IT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Okay guys, I’m not gonna waste your time here and bore you with the details because everyone gets drunk and needy as expected. All I need to say is that THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK THE SEX ROSE EXCEPT THIS TIME IT IS A SEX KEY I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

The sex key works the same as when your boyfriend dumps you but you secretly keep a spare key to his front door, meaning you can just roll up any funking time you feel like it. I mean, that’s what I imagine it’s the same as.

It’s a super cute little gold key with a heart on top but this is all a facade for the fact it is a straight up ticket to Bone Town.

Cass is obviously despo for the key and her eyes follow Bachie Badger around all night like the Mona Lisa except creepier because she can talk. And talk she does. About how she wrote Bachie’s name (is it Nick? I’ve forgotten) in her Total Girl diary before coming on this show and here he is it’s like a miracle! Obviously she has no qualms in explaining all of this to him and someone please swoop in and save the poor girl before she completely loses her damn mind.

Mystic Meg’s gonna pay for this.

 

But, you know, Bachie is a Typical Aussie Bloke so he doesn’t tell her he’s creeped out to her face, he just laughs awkwardly and does quick mental maths about how long before he can ghost her.

Oh, there’s also some der-rama about some girl called Sophie dating Cat’s ex-boyfriend because they’re both from Brisbane and I am also from Brisbane so I don’t like what is being insinuated here. Anyway, it’s not that exciting and is 100% fabricated by the production team; good attempt, guys.

One woman who I have never seen decides to be CRAAAAAYZAY and jumps into the pool but unfortunately, Bachie Badger is too busy sticking his snout in someone else’s dirt to notice, so she just kind of wallows about in the shallow end until the hair and make up lady gets mad and yanks her out.

Brooke gets the first rose AND THE SEX KEY because she is super into football and can pull off a one-shouldered cape like some sort of feminist Batman.

 

I am a football-loving woman. The city of Gotham needs me!

 

ROSE CEREMONY

You guys are bloody experts at this by now, so you don’t need me to tell you that all the nutcases and villains stay (yayyy!) and three women who got absolutely zero air time leave.

The last one to get a rose is Vanessa Sunshine so she is obviously getting paid back for trying to by mysterious because Typical Aussie Blokes don’t like that shit, mate.

 

And that’s about it, my friends! I’m not 100% sold on this Honey Badger person but I am looking forward to the challenge of coming up with terrible outback-inspired puns every week, so… there’s that.

Let’s hope this season goes off like a raw prawn!

 

The “Sunshine” is silent. 

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 5 & 6: There Is No Funny Title Because Women Are Not Men’s Property

10 Apr

Ok guys, I’m sick with the flu, I’ve got some feminist rage and I’ve had about 16 pseudoephedrine. Strap in.

We have officially hit the point where the Australian dudes are too boring/whiny so they’re bringing in the big guns and by big guns I mean the misogynistic guns with weird faces and American accents.

Americans. The American dudes are here.

Honestly the women look f***ing over the moon to get a break from the smorgasbord of idiots they’ve been hanging around. Unfortunately though, these new offerings don’t seem to be any better.

First to arrive is Grant who is a fireman and has been on Bachie in Paradise US and proposed to some girl called Lace (or Lacey?) and then got matching tattoos with her that said “Grace” and I already hate him.

 

This is a thing that happened. 

 

Mack is still barking up Ali’s tree like a puppy who needs a wee and it’s starting to just get creepy. They go for a swim and Mack just intermittently stares at her and then lays random compliments on thick and fast rather than actually just talking to the woman like a regular human and honestly if this is what Mack thinks a connection is, I fear for him.

Ali makes a comment about how she doesn’t just want to go around pashing everyone and wants her first kiss on Sex Island to be with the man she hopes to leave with. Which is code for she definitely does not want to pash Mack.

Mack doesn’t seem too worried though. As he explains, “I’m falling for her, and I think she’s falling for me in a different way,” which is code for she definitely isn’t falling for you at all.

Jarrod is mad that Mack gave his rose to Ali and ruined Jarrod’s first ever love triangle, but honestly he has been super into Keira this whole time, guys, srzly don’t even worry about it. But he’s pretty P-O’d when Keira shows some interest in Grant because how dare she after he told her she was his second choice. How COULD she do this to him?!

Luckily for Jarrod, Leah swoops in on Grant before he’s even had a chance to get some life advice and a tequila shot from Wais. Grant takes Leah on a single date to the resort next door where they go snorkeling and I have an epiphany about why I might still be single when Leah literally undresses Grant 10 minutes after meeting him and I’m too shy to tell a dude his chair leg is on my skirt.

 

Is this how flirting works now because I quit. 

 

Grant tells Leah this was actually the best date he’s ever been on ever, which seems weird for someone who has been engaged before on this very show but, then again, I’m single, what would I know?

Back on Sex Island ANOTHER American man arrives except he’s actually Canadian but I don’t think any of the contestants know the difference. His name is Daniel and he is basically just a massive set of balls attached to a small head. Again, the girls go crazy for him. Daniel is glad Grant is here so he has another “wolf” to run with and honestly why do white men all think they’re wolves?

Daniel gets to work on who’s banging who and literally points to Lisa and says, “Oh is this yours?” to Luke AND MY VAGINA JUST CRAWLED UP INTO MY STOMACH AND IS NEVER COMING OUT.

Never mind the fact Jarrod’s gone all red again because Keira is now talking to Daniel and he fumes for a while at the camera about how these Americans are here to “take all our women,” which again, doesn’t really endear him to me because women aren’t objects to take but again what would I know.

Because the producers are literally here to f*** with everyone, obviously Daniel has a single date card and he says this weird thing to Keira about how he doesn’t need to take her out as he already knows they have a connection which seems like a fairly backwards way to play it, but Keira has downed at least 5 vodka sunrises and she somehow agrees. Not before Daniel asks her if she’s a “bad girl” while trying to sexily sip on his cocktail. Newsflash fellas, don’t attempt sleazy bedroom eyes outside of the bedroom unless you’re okay with getting laughed at. You suck at it.

He picks Nina who I thought was better than this and what follows is just a five minute montage of sexual harassment.

Honestly, Daniel has barely been in our lives longer than the mi goreng I’m eating and I already have enough feminist rage to burn the place to the ground. When he and Nina approach what looks like a legitimately dangerous river, I am yelling THROW HIM IN much louder than my neighbors would appreciate. Unfortunately, a local happens by and basically tells them they are f***ing idiots for even thinking about it and not even jungle sex is worth nearly dying for. (Okay he didn’t exactly say that but you could see it on his face.)

Oh Blake is still here and he doesn’t like Daniel at all because competition is fine but, “don’t come across as a dick,” which I guess is fair coming from the guy who put another guy in hospital and whose girlfriend’s name he forgot on television.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to sense the theme for this week might be Hypocrisy of the Highest Order.

Lenora has obviously caught a glimpse of Blake’s new hair do and decides maybe he’s not for her. Considering he has put zero effort into their relationship and still isn’t 100% sure her name isn’t Lenora, he seems very shocked.

 

This is also a thing that happened. 

 

Also on the break up train is Ali who is first accosted by Mack telling her he wants to introduce her to his parents after knowing her for 2 days and lord give me strength I’m worried for this guy and what he thinks conversation/dating is.

Ali gently explains that she doesn’t feel the spark with him unfortunately, and considering all he’s done is creep on her and pay her compliments that make her physically uncomfortable, he also seems very shocked.

Mack, babe, when a woman talks to you that doesn’t mean there’s a spark. It just means she’s talking to you. #science.

Returning to the bar for hopefully a little bit of Ali Time, Ali is once again pulled away by Michael who has organised a little unofficial date of his own for her and honestly wtf is the point of the date cards if the contestants can just put down their own rug and cheese platter whenevs? The logic of this show is starting to really mess with me.

 

You wanna go wash your hands? CAN I COME TOO??!!

 

BUT IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST Ali also dumps Michael because she isn’t really feeling it with him either and there could be a chance she’s simply doing it so she can have 5 f***ing minutes to herself, could you blame her?

Oh good God, I’m not even half way you guys this is intense. I’m so sorry.

GOOD NEWS! Something nice and almost genuinely lovely happens and thank f*** for that because I was a bee’s dick away from pledging a life time of celibacy.

 

Current mood.

 

Sam and Tara finally go on a date together and Tara tells Sam she thought he was a dickhead at first and bravo to her but he cops it on the chin, bless him. They make each other cocktails and then sit on a Random Sex Couch trying to summon the courage to kiss each other and I can’t believe this I am really starting to like Sam GODDAMMIT TARA!

Nah but seriously, they do eventually pash and it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to gag because I think they might be in love.

 

I’m still watching you, Sam.

 

The der-rama is wrapped up on Sunday by da boyz sitting around on the rocks being manly and shit. Jarrod is still trying to convince everyone he loved Keira all along but then accuses Mack of “dogging” him by giving Ali his rose when Mack KNEW Jarrod was going to give Ali HIS rose and honestly you are both as annoying as each other please just shush. But just quietly can we bring back the term “dogged” again?

Okay it’s Monday night now and the same shit is happening and Jarrod is redder than ever.

Because I am running out of patience and pain killers to delve into this too much here is the sitch:

Jarrod (claims to) love Keira.

Keira likes Jarrod but wants to bone Daniel.

Nina also likes Daniel and isn’t sure about Eden now and I’m very mad at her because Eden is the best how dare she.

Eden still loves Nina but wants her to make her own decisions plz marry me.

Daniel wants to bone everyone. He literally does not care who it is.

Jarrod thinks women live under rocks and hates playing second fiddle but forgets he literally told Keira she was his second fiddle not 3 days ago.

 

It is so draining being this hypocritical. 

 

Grant and Ali have now hooked up and I literally have no idea how/when that happened.

Leah is full pissed and only speaks in Meal Girls quotes now.

Daniel says he is Gepetto from Pinocchio and all the women are his puppets and honest to God I really hope Channel Ten have purposely chosen these douche canoes to teach the men of Australia how to treat/view/date/talk to women.

 

Pictured: Me as Daniel’s puppet. 

 

A new guy arrives who isn’t Apollo but whose name is also Jared which I think is just mean and confusing. No one really likes him but he asks Meagan on a date and she doesn’t even pretend she wants to go. Nothing happens on their date.

Keira and Jarrod fight and then the next day make out and it’s just very confusing. Jarrod is also very confused by biology because he says that Keira is like Madonna – there’s only one of her but I think he’s forgetting that there’s only one of every single person in the world.

Daniel is still walking around like the human equivalent of a tube of cheap lube. Keira takes him into her hut and makes out with him but we don’t see it, only hear it. I mean, who doesn’t love the sound of two people drunk pashing before 11am?!

I mean, Keira is effectively doing what Jake did to Flo and Meagan last week, but remember this is a woman whose crush told her she was his second choice. Her facial expression after she admits she kissed Daniel is worth sitting through this whole episode and I am HERE FOR IT.

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Ummm…this whole Keira-Daniel-Jarrod-Nina drama continues on for some time until Lenora ALSO says that she’s putting out flirtatious vibes to see what comes back from Daniel, but if you ask me, the only thing coming back from him is probably an STI.

 

Yeah…nah.

 

Because Eden is the best man on this damn island, he approaches Nina and Daniel mid awkward-sex -chat to steal away not Nina, but the Douche King himself. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?! Are they going to punch on? Is Eden going to throw him in the ocean because I heard slimy Canadians can’t swim.

He doesn’t do either of those things but he does give Daniel a stern talking to about not hurting Nina’s feelings and I swear on my life Eden has restored my faith in men for a moment and suddenly I am so goddamn nervous about the Rose Ceremony that I might vomit.

Not to be deterred from spreading his “man eggs” across the island (again, #science) Daniel goes back to a drunk Keira and asks her if he makes her moist. No, that wasn’t a typo.

Uncle Sam takes this opportunity to tell Nina that she is being played by Douchebag Daniel and that Eden is the one who actually cares about her and GODDAMMIT SAM STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU!

ROSE CEREMONY

Before this, we get a glimpse of the gals chatting about their choices tonight and everyone is very honest about wanting to bone Daniel and I am seriously concerned that they’ve been drugged because he is literally the worst.

Leah gives her rose to Michael even though they will never be a thing.

Lisa gives her rose to Luke and I forgot these two were still here but yay.

Tara gives her rose to Sam and he straight up smooches her for it and it’s funking adorable.

Ali gives her rose to Grant even though he is wearing the most hideous onesie.

Meagan gives her rose to Jake because next to Daniel he looks like a goddamn saint.

Nina gives her rose to… (oh dear God I’m sweating I might cry)… EDEN! I actually cheered.

Lenora steps up, looks at Daniel and then…gives her rose to AMERICAN JARED HOLY SHIT THIS WOMAN IS EVERYTHING!

 

Sit the f*** down y’all!

 

Keira looks to be in full panic mode and says ” I don’t know!” before continuing to panic and eventually gives her rose to Jarrod.

WHICH MEANS THE CANADIAN BALLSACK IS GOING HOME AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION BRINGS ME GENUINE JOY!

For a man who thought he had a bunch of roses coming at him, his reaction is less than gentlemanly. Personally, my favorite line as he walked out the gates was, “Whatever, I’ve had sex with a tonne of beautiful women. I don’t care.”

DO YOU, THOUGH DANIEL? DO YOU?!!

Honestly, I have never been more f***ing proud of women on reality television.

#BYEFELIPE

 

If Daniel was on Tinder. 

 

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 2: Are We Even Facebook Official?

27 Mar

Full disclosure guys: up until the last couple of minutes of tonight’s episode, I honest to God still didn’t really know how exactly this whole rose ceremony thing worked. I mean, what I DID know was that the producers are not only trying to f*** with the contestants, but now they are straight up f***ing with us.

But I’ll get to that.

Tonight was a continuation of the competition between Jake and Davey to be the biggest f***boi on Bachie Island and tbh I’m still unclear on who won. We picked up to the part where Jake so gallantly took Flo on a single date to the waterfall behind the resort and now I’ve realised that every single one of these “date” scenarios are just grooming situations for sex. Jake commented that, “it’s been ages since I’ve been on a bush hike,” and I don’t think he was trying to be funny or anything. Strap on in, everyone.

Blah blah blah, he and Flo sit down on a blanket near the waterfall in their bathers and Jake keeps telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s gotta show Florence the real him because he’s determined to get in her pants  her rose. So far it hasn’t been going well for him though as it seems bloody EVERYONE on the Gold Coast has gotten together to make up some sort of conspiracy about him being a sleaze bag which is just super mean and, honestly, how on earth could they have all come to that same conclusion, it’s just so MEAN AND UNFAIR AND DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ACTUAL CHOICES OR HARD EVIDENCE PUN INTENDED.

 

This is a real thing and definitely not the kind of thing a f***boi would do. 

 

Thankfully, Flo doesn’t seem to be buying it and so just sits there looking straight ahead until they open that chilled bottle of champs and all of a sudden they’re in the waterfall/lake thing making out like NBD. God bless alcohol, amiright?

Back at F***boi HQ, Davey is moping around about Jake breaking the bro code and asking Flo out right in front of him even though he likes her and I feel like this same drama is going to dominate the whole episode – can someone please pass me my Spice Girls journal and Fiona Apple cassette tape?

Da boyz are all complaining about how there are more men than women and how some of them will get voted off the island and gender imbalance is just so unfair. One genius jokes about how shit it would be if another dude showed up right now…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THE PRODUCERS WERE F***ING WITH YOU BECAUSE HERE IS ANOTHER DUDE RIGHT NOW!

The f***ing with us has reached Level 8, because the dude that has strolled in is none other than Uncle Sam i.e. He Who Never Cuts His Hair i.e. the man who literally makes my skin crawl and now all I can think about is what this humidity is doing to the thing on his head.

 

Do they sell John Frieda in Fiji??

 

Nina barely notices Sam has arrived, and simply remarks that she’d prefer not to date men who are, “short, blonde and a child,” and she wins Bachelor In Paradise give her the prize money.

Sam wastes no time in complaining how hard this is going to be for him, and that it’s like, “showing up late to a party,” except that it is EXACTLY showing up late to a party. Except it’s a sex party and everyone has already paired off. But no matter, cos we all know him and his dude bro Blake have been gagging to get down to their Aussie Bumz together so this could work out.

Unfortunately for Blake, Sambo makes a beeline for Keira as she is literally the only girl who doesn’t seem to be interested in one particular guy already, and if that isn’t true romance, I don’t know what is. Poor Keira is literally stuck with the “dreads” (dregs) of the group but she runs with it like a champion and still manages to make interesting television…

Unlike our friend Brett over here who I have got a lot of things to say about, despite the fact it’s not even that compelling but this is what this show does to you – makes you care about shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. Get ready.

Remember that whole possibly made up girlfriend he may/may not have on the outside thing? Look, I completely thought that was fake because there was nothing else interesting about the guy. Turns out I was wrong and he has been seeing a woman called Steph who was also on The Bachelor but I’ve personally drawn a blank, not that it matters. Poor Tara was under the impression that he was defs in a relationship with her, everyone was aware, and her ticket to paradise was coming in the mail, so maybe they could just keep him in the show until his lady friend showed up because that seems like a nice thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Tara has inadvertently dobbed on Brett who is rudely accosted by a producer in a singlet while he’s trying to relax on a sex bean bag. The producer is super pissed at Brett for lying about being single and, let me tell you, being pissed while wearing a Hot Tuna singlet and board shorts is super hard to get away with but he somehow manages it anyway because HE IS BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE!

Brett dodges the questions even better than our friend Michael did when 60 Minutes asked him about being on the Australian Soccer Team (no, I’m not going to let it go). But it is here that we learn that, not only is Brett potentially lying about being single so that he can get his lady friend on the show and get a free Fiji holiday and Insta followers out of it, but he is literally the guy who goes out with a woman FOR A YEAR but then only judges the relationship based on whether they are Facebook official or not. And guys, I think we can all agree that that is the real issue at play here and the world has spiralled into a bad, bad place. (Srzly, listening to someone say “We’re not Facebook official or anything like that,” more than once, and as a legit argument, sounds way less funny and way more disturbing than I thought it would.)

Meanwhile, poor Tara is sitting there in the middle of this like…

 

 

Anyway.

This is the most interesting thing that has happened to Brett so far but he is clearly going home tonight because everyone is salty AF with him and when even Normal Lisa is pissed at you, you know you gon’ f***ed up.

Whatever, HERE COME LAURINA!

Welcome back my queen. We are so here for you.

(Osher didn’t greet her or anything, she is literally just waltzing in holding a date card she has got no time to f*** around.)

Idiot Blake pretends he is desperately in love with her straight away and it’s definitely got nothing to do with the fact no other woman has looked twice at him and he’ll be going home tonight. (Srzly, Channel 10, the man is a violent criminal this is no flipping joke.)

Laurina asks him on a date and I’m desperately hoping she’s doing it to punk him and lead him to some Fijian gang on the shore line who plan to sacrifice him in a ceremony that includes a lot of fire or maybe being eaten alive.

No such luck. Boo.

Apparently Laurina has moved way past the Dirty Street Pie debacle and is now v v spiritual and down with the common people, because, when she and Blake find an enormous vase filled with what looks like elephant poop but is apparently mineral mud or some crap, she is 100% fine with it and dives straight in.

What follows is 4 minutes of watching the two of them awkwardly paint each other with the black mud and talk about their energies which is just fancy chat for wanting to bone.

Blake then throws a pash in out of the blue and Laurina gives it 6.2 out of 10 because she hasn’t changed THAT much yet. Obviously she is now going to give him her rose and I could honesty just vom all over my Pinot.

 

This mud is as black as Blake’s soul.

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

I’m not totally sure why they are bothering having Cocktail Parties because this whole f***ing island is just one big cocktail party 24/7 but what would I know?

Jake is deep in the shit with Davey who is suuuuuper pissed about the whole Flo thing and honestly I forgot how terrible party boyz from the Gold Coast are at pretending to be fine. Jake keeps crying about how much he hates drama but then continues to create drama by doing exactly what everyone doesn’t want him to do. #daboyz.

Poor Davey has reached Desperation Station and basically offers his left testicle to Flo in exchange for her rose.

But as any true f***boi would, instead of just telling her he likes her because real feelings are scary, he says, “I definitely wanna spend more time with you,” which is f***boi talk for I’d like to bone you and then ignore you and pretend we’re just mates forever.

 

You mean girls can tell when I’m bullshitting no way that can’t be right?!

 

Look, I will admit that I kiiiiiinda feel a little bit sorry for Davey at this point but then again I think this show has already warped my brain so.

Errr…nothing else interesting happens at the party except Michael has taken it upon himself to be the Drama Narrator and you know you’ve reached a low point when the dude who pretended to be on the Australian Soccer team is the most logical guy at the party. (Told you I couldn’t let it go.)

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Nina chooses Eden. I’m now super jealous of her and these two need more screen time STAT.

Lisa chooses Luke. They may actually be in love I’m not even kidding.

Keira chooses Sam. At least she’ll have brought shampoo with her I guess?

Laurina chooses Blake. Dirty Street Blake is way worse than Dirty Street Pie.

Leah chooses Mac. I legit forgot they were still here.

Tara choose Michael. I guess he’s more interesting than Brett?

Flo chooses….

Flo looking for a decent man to pick…

 

Jake.

She chooses Jake. I have nothing to say about this except I guess Davey can stock up on some more fluoro singlets on his way out of Fiji airport?

Obviously no one chooses Brett and no one really cares about it. (Mate, flights to Fiji are like $309 at the mo – get onto it and take your goddamn girlfriend because a year is a long time!)

Soz Davey. As Tay Swift might say, “Cos the players gonn get played, played, played, played, played.”

 

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Serious Business

10 Aug

Guys this might just be my most important recap in the history of all the sarcastic recaps I have ever written.

And it has nothing to do with the “sudden” DER-RAMA that wasn’t really der-rama at all last night. (Some girl called Sian wasn’t feeling it with the Matty vibes and yeah…that’s about it. He took her outside and they were both like kthanx byyyyyyye!)

No.

It’s also nothing to do with the fact that a lot of the women jumped out of a plane and one of them cried.

It ALSO has nothing to do with the fact that one of the girls revealed she used to be in the Hockeyroos aka THE FUNKING OLYMPICS which seems like something I would normally latch right onto like a fox terrier.

None of these things.

It has everything to do with this:

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE YOUR ENROLMENT DETAILS ARE UP TO DATE AND YOU VOTE YES FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY ON THIS STUPID PLEBISITE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WRITING ABOUT THIS FARCICAL HUSBAND COMPETITION WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST TO BE STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLES.

 

“This is just offensive.”

 

I mean, in a way, it’s kind of similar to the way the producers are assholes to the girls on this show e.g. purposefully having the girl with the morbid fear of heights jump from 14000 feet whilst being filmed. So if that kind of thing makes you angry, please take a moment to try and redirect that anger towards this revolting parade of discrimination and time-wasting.

 

“Gee, when was the last time I checked my enrolment?”

 

Oh, and make sure you remember that, once you vote YES, you remember to send that sucker back which sounds pretty simple but I barely have any clue about where my closest post box is.

 

“Am I even enrolled? Better check brb.”

 

Choose love y’all.

 

The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

16 Sep

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

 

kim-day

Thin ice, Richie.

 

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

 

cool-bananas

#unforgettable

 

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

 

mummy-banana

It’s all making sense now…

 

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

 

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2:  “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak. 

 

monkey-crazy

ROMANCE!

 

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

 

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

 

taylor-i-told-you

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

 

nikki-losing

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

 

alex-and-richie

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

 

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

 

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

 

osher-going-home

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

The Bachelor Season 4: Bintang, done that.

15 Sep

Truth bomb: This may be the shortest, most non-eventful recap I’ve ever done and I feel like I’ve done it a million times; I am RUNNING ON EMPTY, GUYS. I promise I will throw in as much random funny shit from the internet to try and make it seem better. I mean, this is what would normally be the Dates With No Time Limits (yes, I’m STILL bitter, get over it) so nothing is ever going to live up to it, but come on. If it wasn’t for Olena I would basically have nothing to say. But one thing at a time…

Bachie Banana warms up for a long evening of being beige with some poignant stretching, pond-side weights and pond-side sit ups.

 

stretchings

Can pond.

He’s going to take his three blondes on a trip and he’s very worried about having to pick which one is the natural blonde because he cannot possibly end up with a fake blonde as his wife. Osher isn’t even here to help him. Either they couldn’t afford to pay him or he’s legit thrown in the towel and gone the f*ck home.

AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! Give me a free flight to a foreign country! (I am not so much kidding about this one – I would love me some travel voucher.)

The big international trip on AIR ASIA is to, as Richie keeps calling it, “Indonesia.” Which is just Bali, the bogan tourist capital of Straya. At the very least, they’ve learnt their lesson from last year when they went to some shitty fishing town in Sydney and it just rained the whole time. From what I can recall, Snezana got taken on a funking walk to the beach as her final date. So I guess this is a step up.

 

air-asia-1

Can I have a free flight, please?

 

So much Bali. Many Indonesia. Bintang. Tourists. Nasi Goreng. You know the drill.

 

air-asia-2

How bout now??

 

ALEX

If nothing else, Alex should win a medal for laughing the most over his terrible jokes. They ride bikes through the rice paddies and they say beautiful and pretty a lot and Richie makes bad puns and Alex shrieks as if she’s been kept in a dungeon devoid of humor by some creep who wants to bone her…oh wait….

 

brooke-shields-laughing

Everything you say is just so FUNNY!!

 

Gush gush gush. There’s a lot of gushing and kissing with tongue.

Alex wants to know if Richie would move to Melbourne because obviously she’s the one with the “big responsibility” child and Richie pretends to entertain the idea but we all know Bachie don’t move nowhere for nobody.

They arrive at a Random Fancy Rotunda, where Alex exclaims that, “It’s so beautiful” and Richie replies with, “just like you.” Vomit.

There is an attempt at injecting some der-rama into the scene with Richie pretending to worry that his mum and sister might not know how to react to their son dating a blonde who has pushed out a human from her vagina. But considering his own mum is/was a single mum, I’mma say it ain’t gonna be a problem, but what would I know. Nice try, assistant producer.

 

NIKKI

Bachie Bananas is super excited to see the obvious winner and says he’s going to share everything he loves about Bali with Nikki. Yah, because you love her and you’re going to pick her.

Nikki seems wayyyy too excited and grateful considering she’s been here twelve times. TWELVE TIMES?! Ooohh…that’s right she’s from the country. I get it. Carry on.

 

phoebe-fun

You mean, we get to go to the beach again?!

 

Bachie Bananas tries to say he hasn’t seen an adventurous side to Nikki just yet, demonstrating that memory loss of his is still a bit of a problem. I don’t know exactly what you classify as adventurous, Richie, but remember when she ate lamb’s guts and beat up other girls in kangaroo suits, babe?

 

 kangaroos

Remember dis?

 

Anyway, the producers try to create an interesting date where they go to the beach and go on some flying fish water sports activity out the back of a hotel. But to me it kinda felt like this…

 

boring-banana

 

Gush gush gush. There’s more gushing and more kissing with tongue.

It’s very beige and they are obviously in love. The end.

Although I did giggle when Richie said,”Good times, good times,” before going in to pash her. Spot on, mate. Straya. Romance.

 

OLENA

Just when I thought the ads for Lady Bachie were more exciting than this episode, in walks Kween Olena.

Olena is obviously a massive bitch because she hasn’t said she loves him already. Because she realises that she doesn’t really know this guy all that well. And she realises they literally live on opposite sides of the country, and you know, that might be, like, a f*cking problem.

Poor Richie is confused about whether he likes her for realz or whether he just wants to bone her, so if any date has the potential to be interesting, it’s this one.

Bachie Bananas is super keen to find out what Olena’s parents said about him because, despite constantly saying it’s more important to follow your own heart, we are in desperate need of some der-rama and that is obviously important to him all of a sudden.

Kween Olena straight up tells him her parents didn’t really have an opinion because they met him for half an hour and they were being filmed for national television. I am gobsmacked this vessel of rationality has survived this long in the game.

Richie agonizes over this highly controversial piece of information for, like, their entire date which consists of them surfing and drinking on the beach.

He decides to “confront” her because how very dare her parents have nothing less than sunshine and rainbows to say about him and what follows then is an amazing ten minutes of Richie cracking the sads that Olena isn’t saying what he wants her to and Olena not giving a sh*t about it.

OLENA: I just feel like long distance relationships are really hard.

RICHIE: Yeah, but, what about my feelings?

OLENA: Look, I like you and stuff, but I don’t know how this would work, to be honest.

RICHIE: WHY AREN’T YOU OPENING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?!

OLENA: Kthanxbyyyeeee.

 

olena-dont-care

Yeah, nah.

 

Olena is just heaven throughout the whole exchange. Bachie basically loses his bananas over her rational arguments about long distance, even though he knows he was never going to uproot his life for her, and she comes back with, “You were livin in a fairytale.”

Yas kween. Thank god for Foxtel, because I totally hit rewind a couple of times just to enjoy that again. And again.

Bachie be MAD.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Bye bye Olena. There is literally no reason for me to even be writing this. Srzly Channel 10 I don’t even know why you’re bothering with the Batman soundtrack because we all know what’s happening. Olena knows and she doesn’t give any f*cks.

When he finally puts her out of her misery and tries to explain that dumping her had absolutely nothing to do with the fact she had an opinion different to his, he tells us that,”Saying goodbye to Olena wasn’t really that difficult.”

This guy. What a sweetheart.

Olena can not get on an AIR ASIA flight quick enough back to a world where logic exists.

 

morgan-bored

On the plus side, the filler episode before the finale is over and we can all just look forward to actual finale tonight where Nikki’s blonde hair will take the Bachie crown.

ALTHOUGH!

After seeing the preview for the finale, I’m having a couple of doubts – they uuuuusually dress the winners in gold/white/some kind of virginal hue. And Nikki is going to be wearing red. Alex is in a gold sequinned number… I’m just saying…

 

air-asia-3

How bout now?