Tag Archives: The Bachelor 2015

The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

 

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

 

sam sister

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa. 

 

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

 

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

 

lana boat

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

 

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

 

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

 

hay bales

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

 

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

 

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

 

leo 2

 

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

 

nina happy

Yay! Intruders suck!

 

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

 

finale carnage

Someone got paid to decorate this. 

 

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

 

zamels ring

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

xx

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

 

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

 

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

 

lamborghini

Do Nissan know about this??

 

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

 

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

 

wow gif

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

 

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

 

pool kissing

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

 

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

 

vanilla milkshake

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

 

jacobs creek

This…

giraffe

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

snez and sarah

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

x

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Mayor of Friendzone

11 Sep

Well at least we can agree something interesting happened tonight!

 

Just so we’re clear, this has pretty much been my face for the last 12 hours….

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

I’m not OK, guys.

I really wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Melbourne tram union and go out in protest, but then again, Oprah always tells us how important it is to sort through our feelings otherwise we end up constipated and wrinkly. Neither of these things suit me.

So it’s Home Visits night – the annual event of Bachie + Bitches + Bitches Families = Awkward Level 10. And, to an extent, it didn’t disappoint.

Woody started off doing some SERIOUS water thinking and then even more serious shaving thinking. Then shirtless shaving thinking. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many neurons firing at once.

I mean, he spent most of last episode assuring the bitches that his feelings for them are not about their families, but then explains tonight that meeting their families is a McBig Deal and could make or break his feelings. #logic.

HEATHER

Ok, so Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather hinted at the fact that she “didn’t have a proper family” last episode. I joked about her collection of beanies (and homemade jewellery) standing in for them which I now feel a little bit bad about because her dad died.

It isn’t clear what happened with Mrs Heather, but that is irrelevant because all you need to know about is…

warwick

WARWICK.

Guys. Do NOT f*%$ with Warwick.

He is a bone fide Queensland farmer/steamroller who ain’t got time for nobody. The story behind Warwick is that Heather worked on his farm from a young age and he has been like a second father to her.

He is legit terrifying.

Woody shows up with his six-pack of Peroni and best button-up shirt and tries to play the “I’m from Tasmania mate, so I’m just like you. Cows and horses and nature and stuff” card. Bitch, please.

Warwick spends his screen time dropping truth bombs on Woody and Heather and not even cracking a smile. He makes Woody go through the remaining 4 girls one by one and list off what he’s attracted to in them. The best part of this is that Woody refers to each one as “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and so on. It has about as much emotion to it as a scientist listing off his experiment subjects.

Nothing Woody says impresses Warwick and Australia lets out a collective cheer that Warwick should be elected the new ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’. I would watch the shit out of that.

He then takes Heather upstairs to a carved wooden swing, which I bet every bloody dollar I have that he made with his own bare hands. She tells him how crazy this experience has been and Warwick basically tells her that if Woody (or any other man she may come across) hurts her, he will get his shotgun off the wall and go postal.

LANA

Cue triumphant mist music as Woody and Lana meet atop a mountain somewhere in the NSW hinterland because Lana is v v travel. She only rendezvous on magic, mystical mountains.

Woody is still completely gaga for her and they spend a solid ten minutes staring at each other on a boat. And talking about how beautiful the scenery is. I feel like I’ve seen this before…

They arrive at Lana’s house and are greeted by Mrs Lana and a mystery blonde lady. Mystery blonde lady doesn’t seem too phased by this whole business and just continues to carve up a delicious South Cape cheese platter. Because South Cape is obviously a sponsor of this show, and because I love cheese more than a lot of things, here is a picture of South Cape cheese. South Cape, can you please send me some delicious South Cape cheese now??

south cape

True love.

Mrs Lana uses a paper thin excuse to get Woody alone “downstairs” and ask him important mum questions. Lana looks worried. I think she’s scared her mum is going to show him pictures of her without her hair swept to one side.

Blah blah blah my daughter is too good for you blah blah blah don’t make her move to Melbourne you mean Bachelor man.

Nothing else interesting happens.

SARAH

Sigh. I like Sarah. But her and Woody combined are just a very large Vanilla Milkshake.

Vanilla Milkshake start off with a fancy picnic by a beach box. Reports say beach box belongs to her family. Her family got money.

Mrs Sarah puts on her Pottery Barn apron and takes Woody into the herb garden (no seriously, it was seriously a garden dedicated to herbs) and that’s when Twitter delivered this:

prue

#accurate.

She lays down the gauntlet with this gem: “If your personality was an animal, what would it be?”

Obvi he tells her he’s a puppy. Because woolly mammoth or komodo dragon would probably scare her off. Does Woody know that puppies pee on everything and eat their own vomit??

Me? I’d be a domestic cat. I’m lazy and like people to pat me.

Blah blah they all have dinner at Sarah’s fancy house with her parents, cousins and grandma. Who is barely shown. FYI, Channel 10; nanas make excellent television. Fact. I want more nana time.

sarah nana

I bet you were more interesting than everyone else.

PARMIGIANA

Woody can no longer imagine Parmigiana’s daughter to be some well-loved Cabbage Patch Doll because she is HERE IN THE FLESH!

Little Kiev is super excited to see her mum and the guy who made her mum catch farm animals for him.

She has come prepared with a long list of questions, one of which requires Woody to name the capital of some sort of exotic country. He can’t do it. Geography was not Woody’s strong area in high school. The other question is, “Do you like One Direction?”

More big questions to ponder.

kiev

Do you love my mum? Tick YES or NO.

The three of them then retire to Parmigiana’s family home to have dinner with all of Perth. There are like, 100 people in that house and food for 200. It’s impressive.

If I were Woody, Parma would have this in the bag. I love a meat spread.

Parmigiana’s father doesn’t seem too phased by the guy dating his daughter as well as three other bitches, so he passes on grilling duties to Parma’s brother; the baby-faced assassin.

This guy is Warwick 2.0: The Europe Experience. I mean, Hell hath no fury like a protective ethnic brother. He accuses Woody of trying to steal Parma away from their family, and is definitely not impressed by the fact he is a communal boyfriend to three other women.

Meanwhile, Parmigiana looks genuinely shocked that her sister isn’t totally on board with this husband competition.

Whatever. Once the pastrami is packed away, they pash outside and Woody goes on his merry way.

NON-COCKTAIL PARTY

There isn’t really a cocktail party tonight. The four bitches just kind of stand on the balcony, looking concerned and reflective.

Woody is hidden in his secret Bachie pen, swiping through his potential wives on an iPad. #romance.

ROSE CEREMONY

Just typing this is already bringing tears to my eyes. I wish I could mask the pain with sarcastic jokes, but I don’t think I can.

I honestly thought Sarah was gone. I mean, Parmigiana is safe because what an A-grade douche Woody would look like sending her home immediately after meeting her real-life daughter.

And Lana is obvi safe because Woody appears to still be hypnotised by her big eyes and travel lifestyle.

And OBVIOUSLY Heather is also safe because they are in love and she is going to win…..

What just happened?

Sarah just got the first rose.

Parmigiana gets the second.

It is between Cool Girl and Travel Girl. I legit can feel my heart rate shoot through my nostriles. WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!

Heather is going home.

That’s what is happening.

I think I screamed like a banshee. Then blacked out.

This is not OK.

I am not OK with this.

Cool But Not So Cool Girl, the only one with any smidgen of a real personality, has been friend-zoned in the most brutal way and will now return with her carton of beers to take over Jacinda’s duties as Mayor of said Friendzone.

It is fecking heart-breaking. It is literally like the time Joffrey killed Ned Stark on ‘Game of Thrones’.

I think I might be a little too invested in this show.

heather sad

Winter is definitely not coming.

If I ever do run into Sam Wood, I am going to punch him in the anal glands.

tyra

I’m out. x

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The Bachelor Season 3: The War is Over

10 Sep

The battle is over and peace may reign again my friends.

 

Take from that what you will. It’s a spoiler, but whatever. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.

 

Welcome to the episode I will affectionately refer to as “The Warm-Up to Home Visits”. For realz, tonight just kind of felt like some weird mormon speed-dating/psycho beach sex party thing that we had to get through so that Sam looks more legit meeting four women’s parentals tomorrow.

Usually around this time in the show, Bachie and his harem of lady meat are whisked away to some sort of tropical/foreign/far away place where they gush over scenery and do a lot of the same kind of shit they do at home but just with nicer back-drops.

Like, in 2013 they went to Western Australia with the final 8 and then to Thailand with the final 2. Last year they went….somewhere and then to Africa? Sorry, I’ve kind of blocked the whole Blake saga from my memory. But they definitely went somewhere tropical.

But, because this is 2015, the year of #budgetcuts, Woody and his final 5 are being whisked away from Sydney to…. a beach house just outside of Sydney. They are not even trying to hide the fact they have no money anymore. Unless they are saving erry goddamn penny for the finale to be set at the freaking North Pole. Or Richard Branson’s house.

 

beach shack 3

#budgetcuts.

 

The five bitches all look super dooper excited to be all going away for the weekend to a beach house someone rented off an Air B’n’B sale. They are sitting around in the Rotunda (clearly after the last rose ceremony) and eagerly discussing how amazing it is that some guy from Tasmania has decided that they might be potential wives for him. They cannot wait to get started on their Non-Holiday.

Uh-Oh! Der-rama!

Mother Nature has cruelly turned on Bachie and his romance dreams and has made it piss down raining, how very dare she! Not to be deterred, Woody is staying positive about their getaway and whipping up a couple of cheese platters and some Monopoly to keep everyone entertained.

And you know what happens when you combine a beach house with torrential rain? It becomes A SEX HOUSE! Hooray!

 

spongebob

Silver linings, people!

 

Basically what happens from this point onwards is that Woody takes each bitch on a quick mini-date to some sort of local “beachy” attraction and then to some kind of lounge room with a beach view. #beach

Lana

Guys, Lana is showing her cute, playful side! She’s wearing her panda beanie! Gosh, she’s so cute and zany.

 

lana hat

I got this beanie in a foreign country.

 

Because she is a serious golfer, they trot off to hit a few balls at the driving range. Lana shows Woody how to drive his club straight and hard.

Woody is still clearly smitten with her and continues to marvel at how travel she is and then explains that he’s “always preferred women who are smarter” than him which really doesn’t narrow it down, I’m sorry.

Then they go sit on a couch in a room somewhere. Where are they? WHO OWNS THESE RANDOM LOUNGE ROOMS THEY GO TO?! I mean, is it Osher’s dressing room? What is going ON?!

Basically Lana has final 2 in the bag and is already planning the igloo they will live in in Iceland.

 

Snezana

Shit is going downhill FAST, because Parmigiana’s “date” is literally the two of them walking around Random NSW Beach Town in the pouring rain.

 

walk in rain

More #budgetcuts.

 

You gotta love the first few weeks of dating, don’t you? When you’re like, “Oh my god, a romantic walk in the rain? I’d LOVE that!”

Fast forward five years, and it’s more like, “Are you f*$#ing kidding me?!”

Amirite, ladies?

#beach date over, they head to another random lounge room.

Parmigiana has photos of Kiev to show to Woody because Kiev is her daughter. It seems to dawn on Woody at that very moment that Parmigiana has an actual daughter and not an imaginary daughter that she dreamt up in Health class. They start throwing words like “family” and “pressure” around and all of sudden Sam is trying to figure out a way to dig himself up from this family-shaped hole he has gotten into.

 

Heather

Heather is the lucky one of the bunch. She gets to go to an actual restaurant. Mind you, it’s one of those restaurants stuck onto a Best Western on the side of a highway, but hey, beggars and choosers and whatnot.

Because she is still the Cool Girl of the group, they do some cool things like eat teppanyaki and piss off the chef who just flings food at them like he couldn’t give a f*#%.

 

teppanyaki chef

I better be getting paid for this.

 

Cool #beach activity over, they also retire to a couch and drink beer. Because Heather is cool. Only cool people drink beer.

But more der-rama! Woody is totes worried that he and Heather are slipping back into Friendzone because she insists on calling him awful things like “dude”. This is obviously just a ploy to trick us into thinking she might go home tonight, but we ALL know who that award’s going to so do not even try that on, Channel 10!

On the other hand, Cool Girl is “shitting herself” about home visits because apparently she doesn’t have a family? I’m very confused about what she’s going to do next week. Introduce Sam to her large collection of beanies?

Big questions to be answered.

 

Sarah

I basically have no idea what happened here because Busy Businesswoman has poured all of her personality into her job, how very dare she, and has none left to give this show.

SURPRISE! They too sit on a random vanilla couch somewhere and say vanilla things to each other.

 

chandler asleep gif

Best. Date. Ever.

 

Nina

Oh Ninz. Erryone kind of knows your time is up except for you. This is made obvious through Sam’s pre-date interview that sounds very much like the speech you make right before you break up with someone and run off with their best friend to Bali.

And by “date” I mean they stand on the side of a canal and go fishing. And by “go fishing” I mean we watch awkwardly as Sam throws a fishing line out into the water like an 8 year-old girl and tries not to make eye contact with the woman he is clearly going to dump.

Nina is worried that, should she make it to home visits, her mum will try and cut her grass which makes me extra sad because we are definitely not going to see this happen.

 

cool mom

How I imagine Nina’s mum.

 

Cut to (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR) another random lounge room where some thoughtful intern has left them a cardboard box of flake and minimum chips to snack on. #beach.

Woody lists every single thing he can think of about Nina that is a euphemism for “you’re too loud and annoying” because Woody only likes girls who are feminine and quiet and don’t have opinions but she doesn’t get the hint.

Boys, if you’re reading this, “I loved your energy” is pretty much the second worst thing you can ever say to a woman, just quietly.

Poor Nina is adamant that she can still prove to Woody that she is, deep down, really boring and submissive.

Don’t count on it, babe.

 

Cocktail Party!

Because Woody has spent sah much time and effort coming up with all these #beach speed dates, he has decided that he is DONE, and tonight, the bitches come to him.

This sends all the bitches into a tail spin as they internally debate the pros and cons of a woman approaching a man!

Nina uses the extra thinking time to remind us that the war between the Originals and Lana the Intruder is still going strong and the total horror of their communal boyfriend choosing a bitch he has known for 3 weeks over a bitch he has known for 3 months would be an absolute travesty of justice.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but there are no participation ribbons in the game of love.

 

Rose Ceremony!

After the world’s least riveting cocktail party of six people sitting around on more couches, the vibe has taken a dramatic nose dive.

 

rose ceremony 2015

Please don’t make us sit on more couches.

 

Because Lana is so very travel, she gets the first rose.

Parmigiana and Busy Businesswoman get the next two.

Leaving Heather and the leader of the Intruder vs Original Revolution, Nina. I told you Channel 10 were going to try and pull the Seed hand crafted wool over our eyes.

Heather is final 2, y’all. Ain’t no WAY she is going anywhere.

It’s curtains for Nina. And with her, the battle is over. William Nina Wallace has been sent to the gallows, or wherever loser revolution leaders go…

 

braveheart

Never forget.

 

 

Join me tomorrow for the reason this whole episode existed: Home Visits!

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The One I Couldn’t See

28 Aug

So here’s the thing.

 

I couldn’t watch last night’s episode, which has actually turned out quite well for me since, due to the alleged dating-in-the-dark theme I’ve been informed about, I can now proudly use the above lame title pun because that’s exactly who I am as a person.

 

So instead of trying to watch the episode on the internets and use up all my data, I had my clever ghost writer compile some notes which I am now going to transpose into this post. They are bloody hilarious and I am legit interested to see if I can make sense of notes from a show I did not see at all. Considering it’s Bachie we’re talking about, and not ‘Inception’, I reckon I might be ok.

 

Here we go…

 

The producers want to remind us how dramatic and scary last episode was when Bitch Face decided to walk out of the rose ceremony on her own free will. Free will is scary.

The original bitches are doing their bloody best to find out erry little detail about intruder bitches and why they could POSSIBLY be here. Ebru is particularly upset and confused as to why the new bitches are even interested in Woody; she thinks they are a new type of bitch who have wandered onto the wrong show because they couldn’t possibly be here to bone Woody…. babe. Think about it, please.

(P.s Ebru is clearly going home tonight given that she has had more air time in the first ten minutes of this ep than the entire series thus far. And she is wearing a hideous velour headband.)

Some choice panning shots of The Mansion that Spotlight Built and, lemme just say, the grounds keeper must be using flipping elf blood to maintain those wisteria, because they are on fleek. The bitches gather around the Mess Hall and talk about how ‘different’ it is waking up in the mansion now that there are so many new bitches trying to get their mitts on communal boyfriend, Sam.

Because the producers clearly want to make Ebru the mean villain tonight, they show her saying how much she hates the intruders. Again. #subtle.

Nina tells us there will be drama tonight, because there are new bitches and if an old bitch gets ditched for a new bitch then bad feelings will happen.

Original bitches continue to question intruder bitches and New bitch – Blonde Tall Bitch #4 (Rachel?) is all, “back off, stahp asking me shit, I don’t even know you and do not want to be your friend. KK thnxbye.”

Osher appears from the door way and what… no tailoring at all, just a shirt from Cotton On. This show’s budget concerns are deeper than we think, guys. To try and distract everyone from this, he pulls out some GOLDEN LOPES! Cool But Not So Girl Heather keeps saying she wants ‘Ebs’ to have the date this week. Not sure why considering she is boring as feck and is clearly the new mean villain that everyone should hate now.

Don matta, cause Heather gets a second date anyways. Lol!

Sweet Valley High, the second envelope is… a GROUP DATE! (Thank you for listening to my prayers, Channel 10). The bitches seem excited except for Nina who is angry about something, but I didn’t care enough to write it down.

They all fanny downstairs to find Osher who explains the group date is a date about attraction; it sounds science-y because he uses serious science-y terminology, but it is basically just a boner test in the dark. Science. Allow me to put it in riddle form for you: How much wood would a woody-giving bitch give if a woody bitch and Woody can’t see the wood? The real question.

Because this date is definitely not about the fact that they are running out of money fast, the group date is just a lot of eating in the dark. The bitches and Woody start talking shit in the dark and Parmigiana points out that it’s really dark in the room. They are eating Chinese food and it looks as though they have forgotten that there are no staff here to pour their champers and clean their shit when they are on dates. Someone has to clean all the shit they are dropping on the floor and table. Turns out a lot of them are just Neanderthals with a spray tan.

Now here’s a question: what is the most unsexy thing ever?

Blindly mashing food into your own face? Wrong! It’s blindly mashing food into someone else’s face whilst a national audience watch on.

The new bitches flank Woody at the table and BTB#4 is still v v uptight for someone on a national program in a dark-eating boner competition. On the other hand, Lana has definitely done this before because she is playing Woody like a fiddle.

Because she was able to speak to Woody without being completely snore-worthy or dropping beef and blackbean all over his chinos.

 

eating in dark

I can really taste our connection.

 

The original bitches are obvi upset, but still respect Lana for ‘going for it’. Hashtag gogirl!

After the spine-tingling events of the group date, it’s on to Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s second date which is diabetes themed.

He picks her up in an ice cream truck which is weird because it kinda just looks like she is on some rando stretch of highway getting picked up in an icecream truck. I think this is the producers trying to show how “fun” Woody is because he totally chose to drive this embarrassment machine.

They go to some garden and there is a diabetes buffet waiting for them. This look like it’s meant to be a Masterchef promo but it doesn’t fly. Another random chef comes out and announces that he hopes they enjoy getting diabetes. Woody and Heather begin eating the “dessert dirt” but given their bodies we all know neither have touched an artificial sugar since 2001. They both pretend to eat the chocolate. They talk about how chilled they both are and I’m pretty sure she calls him Man and Dude again.

 

ice cream truck

This is definitely about fun and not about budget cuts..

 

After their delicious diabetes buffet, they move to a second location to drink away the diabetes. They have boring convo about their “connection” and their “understanding” of each other and continue talking about nothing, until finally they actually get around to stating what their ‘connection’ is. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that Cool But Not So Cool Girl can be her cool self around Woody. Woody seems surprised by this; he is confused as to why she would be anyone else, especially on a TV show where you are yourself pitted against other bitches being themselves.

They kiss. She gets a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion (now affectionately known as the Elf Garden) the original bitches are outside bitching about the intruder bitches. Funnily enough, the intruder bitches are inside bitching about the original bitches.

They keep saying the same things over and over again and I really want Sandra back so that something interesting can happen.

Cocktail Party!

Heather begins retelling her date to the bitches when Woody casually walks in. I mean, how awkward is it when one of your gfs tells the other gfs the details of your communal boyfriend’s tongue and texture (she didn’t say that but she should have because her explanation of their kiss was BOR-RING).

It’s now all about the intruder bitches vs. original bitches for a Rose Ceremony show down. The producers are clearly setting them up to hate each other and all I can think is how much I want Blonde Tall Bitch #4 to be a biter or a face-slapper since she seems like the bitchiest bitch now that Emily has left. As mentioned earlier, Ebru is OBVI going home because,“if I were to go home before the new girls I would be devastated.”

She definitely has a lot to say before she becomes a loser who needs to leave the temple of feminism.

Osher’s hair and wardrobe is on point again. Someone give it a raise.

Lana gets a rose.

Nina bitches about not getting the first rose.

Nina gets the second rose.

Blonde Tall Bitch #4 says she wants to stay.

Parma gets a rose.

Underscore music reaches fantasy-adventure-crescendo level shit.

Sarah gets a rose.

Cue fast strings and cymbals.

Nina talks about how Blonde Tall Bitch #4 is the worst and will be going home but erryone knows that is not true because Ebru is leaving fo sho.

For no discernible reason Blonde Tall Bitch #4 gets the last rose over Ebru.

Ebru and her velour headband leave in a Nissan.

 

giphysabrina gif

Intruders be like…

 

Nina looks shocked because she doesn’t understand anything apart from cars and weddings.

 

The end.

 

So how’d we do?

 

xx

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Omigawd, Intruders!

27 Aug

*Spoiler alert*

This post contains Intruder Bitches. But I’m pretty sure you already picked that up from the barrage of promos and shots of Woody’s surprise face shown throughout the week.

But one thing at a time.

No water-related poignancy, no work outs, no Rose Maths tonight. No Woody at all. We are zooming straight into the Mess Hall at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, where the bitches are clearly sitting around fresh from the last rose ceremony. Heather’s farcical fishtail braid/shetland pony hairdo is a dead give away.

Parmigiana is dressed conveniently in a Star Wars pyjama top. Because she likes Star Wars. Remember, guys? Remember when Woody had that random dessert chef make her that random Pokemon-looking dessert that was meant to look like the Death Star and then delivered it to that random garden that was meant to look like Little Italy? Yep. Continuity.

Osher’s here. He looks serious. He solemnly tells the bitches that Woody is having a super hard time dating all seven of them and coming up with new forms of transport that fit within the budget is stretching his Bachie brain a little thin.

So, obviously, the single date goes to his one-time Bali love, Bec, and, obvi, they are going to take a flippin HELICOPTER!

As Bec waits out on the front lawn for Bachie to pretend to land the thing, she explains how “blown away” she is by this gesture that Woody had nothing to do with.

 

bec wind

Helicopter: You’re doing it wrong.

 

Surprise surprise! They go to an indoor sky diving arena/centre/space station thing. Guys, if you hadn’t already picked up on it, I think the theme for this date is #air.

Now, I dunno about you, but “indoor sky diving” is kind of not a thing. As in, being blown about by a large industrial fan is NOT the same as legit jumping from a tiny plane into the actual sky. But ten points for enthusiasm.

Once in their sexy jumpsuits, the two of them flap about in this “sky diving tank” thing where an instructor holds them by the waist and stops them from face planting. It is super dooper romantic. Because it just wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor without some serious facial flapping and Passion of the Christ action.

 

sky diving

How it’s done, bitchez.

 

After the exertion of their non-sky-diving activities, Bec and Woody retire to an outdoor rotunda somewhere in suburban Sydney to talk about that time they drank a bucket of Sex of The Beach and sucked face in Bali.

Bec talks a LOT about her walls and how she has trust issues, which seems logical considering she’s on a televised dating show. Woody does his best to give a f*ck about her feelings, but eventually is just like….I’m out.

He tells her that it’s just going to take too much work for his wrecking ball to crash through her emotional walls, and really, ain’t nobody got time for that. Wife-hunting is a cutthroat business.

 

And…

 

She goes home.

Does not pass GO, does not collect $200. Woody has already phoned ahead and had them bring her bags, all packed and ready for Loserville.

 

dr who bye

Bachie be like…

 

The date is over quicker than you can say Bintang.

 

Upon return to the mansion, Woody holds a press conference with his six other potential wives and tells them that Bec no longer wanted to put out so he sent her packing. This is v v rude because, obviously, only Osher can hold serious press conferences. He is going to be pissed.

The other bitches pretend to be shocked/sad that one of their competitors has been taken out.

The next morning, Woody decides to show up to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with his sacrificial bananas to cook the bitches breakfast. Yayyyy!

The producers were clearly hoping that more bitches would resemble toe rags fresh out of bed, but alas, they just look like themselves without makeup on. BORING!

Bitch Face Emily has the nerve to not come bounding straight downstairs as soon as Woody arrives and so she is immediately in the bad books, how very dare she. In her defence, she stayed up last night doing her roots. She makes up for it though with a smart breakfast scarf.

On the other hand, Woody is v impressed with Heather’s butt flap.

 

breakfast scarf

Shoulda worn a butt flap.

 

Still sad about having to do a sneaky bye-bye to one of his girlfriends Bachie is going to take another bitch out on a single date to make up for it this week, which again means no group date. Waaah!

Busy Businesswoman Sarah is chosen for her second date and Ebru is suuuuuuuper happy about it.

If you recall, last time Sarah and Woody met up, they cruised around on a yacht, no big deal, sipping Yellow and talking about each other’s eyes.

This time, Sarah is escorted from her lady prison in a water taxi.

I’m guessing her next date will involve a boogie board or some sort of floating dinghy?

Woody takes BBS to his “Bachie Pad” which is apparently just a vine-covered bike shed conveniently on the water front of Sydney Harbour.

 

shed

What the shed is this?!

 

Woody has picked up on the fact that BBS really likes wine, so he thought he might be incredibly romantic and make her wear a blindfold and guess all the different wines he has conveniently not bought for her.

HOLD UP.

Sam, I dunno if you know the female kind, but any self-respecting woman knows her Savvy B’s from her Pinot Noirs. It’s just an in-built skill we are born with.

But I guess now we can add Sommelier to the list of required wife skills, along with bubble soccer and treasure digging.

No surprises here, Sarah guesses erry damn one correctly because she is a business woman and doesn’t have time for dicking about. Her reward is picking the one she liked best to share with her communal boyfriend.

She explains that she picked the Rose hoping Woody might take the hint and give her a rose.

Babe.

The dude doesn’t know what Friend Zoning is. Nor does he actually know what ‘misunderstanding’ means. I doubt this subtle hint is gonna go anywhere. He’s a personal trainer, not a linguist.

The rest of the date is very vanilla. But she gets a rose, blah blah. Her subtle hints worked. We don’t see BBS go home because that bloody helicopter blew out the whole week’s budget, but I’m sure however she left had something to do with a Nissan. Or public transport.

 

Cocktail Party.

In case you didn’t already know, INTRUDERS enter the mansion tonight. Osher comes in and looks concerned; he’s probably going to tell Woody off for trying to steal his job with that whole ‘press conference’ trick he pulled earlier.

They go outside and Woody looks suitably scared, until Oshie tells him that, in fact, he is being gifted with two more lady friends in sparkly dresses. AND HERE THEY ARE!

Intruder #1: Lana

Brown haired, big eyes, likes yoga and golf. They seem to be focusing a lot on her hands… maybe she’s secretly married and the producers are sending us a clue? They talk about golf and Woody wonders whether Lana just might be his ace in the hole, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Intruder #2: Rachel

Blonde-haired, food-blogger….and…that’s all I remember. Except I’m almost positive she is the same bitch from earlier in the season back for another crack at it and “food blogger” is her alias because we all know it really just means unemployed.

 

rachel clone

Tall Bitch #4, is that you??

 

Nina is first to spot them, hence the infamous catch cry OMIGAWD! OMIGAWD, GUYS INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS, OMIGAWD!

The original bitches cannot believe that the producers who made them eat duck chin are seriously bringing in more women for Woody’s Lady Buffet, I mean, what what WHAT is happening? This is so UNEXPECTED!

Despite their initial panic, the original bitches are semi-polite and talk to the two new date crashers like everything’s cool. Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather plays it relatively cool and is just all, “jump right in! Plenty Wood to spare!”

Ebru, on the other hand, is not having a bar of it, and proclaims that, “these women might steal Sam off of us! And they are literally staying in OUR house!”

Poor Ebs clearly does not understand how monogamy or real estate works.

While someone takes Ebru aside and explains the whole concept of this show to her, Woody gets a moment with Bitch Face Emily who is reaching critical Bitch Face levels after the harrowing night they have had.

Their conversation is a bit tense, so to diffuse this problem, Emily goes straight for the question all hot girls love to ask: How do you see me?

DER-RAMA!

Woody basically tells her that she’s, well…a bitch. Bitch Face is shocked at this admission that she might be a bitch, because it is obviously all Nina’s fault that she is being a bitch and that Woody thinks she is bitchy, stupid Nina. Emily is still standing by that “I’m an open book” line, but from what I can see, all the chapters seem to be about Nina.

 

Rose Ceremony!

With all this der-rama flying about, tonight’s ceremony is sure to be action-packed.

Intruder #1 gets a rose.

Heather, Parmigiana and Ebru get roses.

Intruder #2 gets a rose.

Which, surprise surprise, leaves Bitch Face Emily and Hot Rod Nina to fight it out.

However, being left standing next to her most hated person in the entire world is basically the biggest travesty of justice for Emily, and before Woody has a chance to listen into his earpiece for who he needs to keep, she just…walks out.

And he just watches her go, like no big deal.

Honestly, this guy is starting to win points with me. He is sassing chicks left, right and centre. He is the new Kanye West.

 

emily walks out

Yeah, byyyeeee.

 

Meanwhile Nina is left standing there like tits on a bull.

“Umm…. Nina. This rose was ALWAYS meant for you and legit has nothing to do with the fact that one of my girlfriends just walked out on me on national TV.”

All the other bitches rejoice.

Emily has taken her breakfast scarf and supply of Nice’n’Easy and is on her not-so-merry way, still certain that the last rose was clearly meant for her. Hot girl logic.

 

I for one will miss her terribly. If this was Melrose Place, she would be Heather Locklear. And that makes me sad.

 

heather locklear

You’re all boring without me.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Race for Wood

21 Aug

Bitches, start your engines!

 

Wait… I feel like I’ve said that before?

 

That’s right, I did. I used that same line last year when He Who Shall Not Be Named took his harem of bitches race car driving.

Either I need to get some new jokes or this show is running out of ideas. Or maybe fast driving is a legit wife skill that must be tested each year?

Anyhoo, welcome to the Race That Stops the Nation. Because this episode is all about a race, Woody starts us off by strolling through a paddock of race horses, talking about the race for his heart and how time is racing away from them. #symbolism.

Back at the Mess Hall, the bitches are drinking their Skinny Detox Tea when Osher arrives with a thick package from Sam.

 

package

Exhibit A: Sam’s thick package.

 

GROUP DATE!

No surprises here, it’s something about racing. Nina can barely keep a lid on it, she’s so keen. Turns out she’s been harbouring some serious bogan tendencies in those crop tops she’s so fond of.

She admits she’s quite the rev head and all of a sudden I can picture all of these alleged weddings she plans and finally I understand who is keeping pink Hummers in business….

 

this guy

This guy.

 

At the Speedway of Dreams, Osher tells them they are about to compete in The Bachelor Grand Prix and literally race for Sam’s Wood. Which would almost sound bad ass, if it weren’t for the glorified dodgem cars they get into.

Now that Jasmin’s Jaw has returned to the world where feminism exists (real life), the producers have cottoned on that the pool of cray is quickly dwindling. And since Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather has been managing to play it relatively cool of late, these producers have suddenly decided that Emily doesn’t hate her anymore but hates Nina instead.

WHOAH! DER-RAMA!

Emily proclaims that her sole intention today is to beat Nina because the producers told her to she doesn’t like her and her love of cars.

Osher starts the Wood race and Emily is off quicker than a housewife at a Myer sale. See ya, bitchez!

She is not giving any f*&#s who she crashes into because it’s obviously v v important that she shows how serious she is about winning Wood by being really competitive.

Meanwhile, that Rachel lady is laggin like a proper old nana driver… the other bitches are lapping her every few minutes. Kind of like they’re lapping you in life, babe.

 

granny driving

 

Things take an awkward turn for the worse when Nina thinks she has won and makes a big freaking song and dance about it until Osher informs her that, actually, Emily slayed erryones’s asses by 7 whole seconds and she is just so gracious in her victory you’d think Princess Diana was back in the room. Nina obvi takes it really well.

And OBVI Emily’s reward is uninterrupted Woody time. With a glass of champs. YAY DAY DRINKING!

Sitting on a bench fashioned of old car tyres, it becomes clear that maybe Woody isn’t the biggest fan of young Bitch Face Emily and her negative tude. Especially when she smugly tells him how happy she is to have beaten Nina.

Woody no likey.

Woody confused.

“I’m not sure if it’s really about love or winning with Emily,” he laments.

Dude, she LITERALLY just had to win something so that she could have this conversation with you about winning a race so you could wonder if she was about winning or not. #bachielogic.

As usual, Emily doesn’t seem to give too much of a f*%# and just sips her daytime champs like no big deal.

After the celebration of gender equality is over, back at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, the bitches are casually lounging about the Rotunda waiting for something interesting to happen. Of course talk turns to their communal boyfriend and who is going to get the next single date because that is literally the only chance any of them have of escaping their interior decorated prison for more than 5 minutes.

The logical choice for single date WOULD be this Rachel/Random Blonde Lady who I have legit never seen Woody say two bloody words to but who he has nevertheless continued to gift with roses. I mean, I know they say to keep a bit of mystery about you ladies, but this is pushing it! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!

Not important enough to get a single date, apparently, because Parmigiana is in fact getting a second run at Mt Woody. You can actually see Rachel’s face fall at the news and for a moment there I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered I was watching The Bachelor where rational and dignified decisions are kind of like Ian Thorpe’s failed line of jewellery; non-existent. (Remember when that nearly happened, guys?)

Woody realizes that there are still some girls in the house (Rachel) who he has yet to take on one single date, however, he just HAD to see Parma again because….. he wants to bone her real bad. He didn’t say those words, but I’m reading between the lines here.

He picks her up in a vintage speedboat, driven by a poor old dude who looks like he’s about 90. It’s good to see Channel 10 are still employing Higgins from last year.

 

 eddie boat

Weeeee! True love!

 

The aforementioned boat is aptly named La Dolce Vita, or as Woody calls is, “La Dulchi Voita. It moines tha saweet loife!” #straya.

Teaming with the Italian theme (because Parmigiana is Italian food, right?) off they trot to Woody’s very own version of Little Italy i.e. a couch and a stall of sponsorship produce in the back garden of some unsuspecting Sydney resident. YAY MULTICULTURALISM!

Cue montage of pizza-making and shots of South Cape products and phallic-looking meats and vegetables. (“Look at all this moit!” – S. Wood, 2015). This is just an unsubtle representation of all the boning they want to do, but because it’s only 7.30pm, they settle for throwing flour at each other instead.

 

la dolce

Forehead sex is back, guys.

 

After Parma’s had time to digest Woody’s pepperoni, HELLO RANDOM WAITER MAN WHO HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE! Unnamed waiter man drops off a strange, sphere-shaped concoction that Woody says is meant to be the Death Star dessert.

 

 

Sorry, what?

 

 

There are so many things wrong with this moment, I just don’t have enough time to process it.

Woody tells her how totally fine he is with the fact that she has a daughter because he is totally fine with kids and it would be totally fine to date a woman with a kid.

They then spoon-feed each other and say how good the other tastes. #sex. If Parma plays her cards right, she might just walk away with Woody’s love child. Or just pash rash.

 

Meanwhile….

Casually hanging out at the Rotunda, the bitches are once again trying to find interesting things to say that aren’t about Sam, but are failing miserably. Talk soon turns to Parma and how hot she is and that Woody finds her really hot. All of a sudden, and definitely not because she was prompted to by producers, Nina blurts out that Parma and Woody had a sneaky suck-face on the group date! Bitches be like…

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

Our boyfriend did WHAT?!

While Nina slinks away into the background.

whoops gif

Did I say something bad?

Obviously, this is meant to set us up for a super bitchy showdown at the cocktail party between Parmigiana and Emily’s new mortal enemy, Nina. (Who she astutely labelled as being “disingenuine”. Yeah, English!)

Nina takes Parma outside to make her confession and is all like, “I feel super bad about telling you this but I need to get it off my chest that I totally told our communal boyfriend’s other girlfriends that you sucked face with our communal boyfriend on a group date that we were also on and I didn’t mean to tell anyone but now the other girlfriends are outraged and seem super mad but it was an accident and had nothing to do with ratings at all so I’m like, totes sorry.”

Luckily Parma possesses a somewhat normal brain and forgives her. Bitchy Showdown avoided. Quick! Someone get Emily out here to say something mean!

 

Nope, too late. It’s Rose Ceremony time.

Twitter is all abuzz that Emily has delivered her last barb and will be sent packing, but I’m not so sure. Despite her bitchy remarks and the brain damage it obviously inflicted on Woody, he is still hoping to bone her and she is the most interesting thing on this show now; she ain’t goin anywhere, y’all!

Oh no, that Rachel person didn’t get a rose. Everyone looks a bit surprised that the woman they thought was their hairdresser is being sent home. Woody assures her she is an amazing, amazing woman for someone he has never met and she seems happy about that.

Byyyyeeee random Rachel lady.

 

pocahontas bye

xx

P.S   INTRUDER BITCHES ENTER THE BATCAVE NEXT WEEK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Ground Hog Dates

14 Aug

It’s GROUND HOG DAAAAAAAY!

 

Guys, things are getting v v serious tonight; Woody is doing some serious exercise/sport things that involve ropes and push ups. He is NOT messing about.

There are only 10 bitches left and he must find at least one to take to the Logies next year. That’s only 5 months away! (Actually, is that true? I don’t watch the Logies.)

 

sam workout

Wife-hunting is serious business.

 

Osher enters the Mess Hall and reminds the ladies that, just like their biological clocks, time is a-ticking. Woody still needs the chance to get to know some of them better, and I bloody hope he means this Rachel person because I think we ALL wanna know her a little better……..WHO IS SHE?!

Ebru speculates why she has yet to be blessed with a single date and eventually reasons that Sam has been too busy dating the other 9 women she lives with to have time for her. That’s gotta be really hard for him.

Near a body of water somewhere, Woody excitedly tells us that this episode’s date is going to be SUPER DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL. He has aptly named it “Ground Hog Date”. DER-RAMA ALERT!

Basically, Woody is going to take three lucky bitches on the exact same date, with a couple of “Adventure Challenges” thrown in there to see how they deal with it. Yay!

Jasmin/Fire Hazard’s reaction face to Ebru getting the first date is my new everything and I WISH I COULD FIND A SCREENSHOT DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT I CANNOT EVEN! But it legit looked something like this….

 

tina eye roll

I’m so happy for you!

 

Anyway, this is a date of tests. Each woman has to pass a series of Adventurous Wife Tests to progress onto the next level. A flat tyre, a jet boat ride and a touchy-feely waitress/actor woman who serves them the menu from the last season of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ (nothing says panty-dropper like some delicious duck chin). In other words – A Three-way Death Match. Bachie is super excited to see who gives him the least amount of grief.

Contestant #1 Ebru slides in to the limo all giggles and fake tan. She is so excited her vocal tone ends up somewhere in the “squeaky recorder” vicinity. The limo gets a flat. She helps to change it. They go jet boating. She has fun. Her boobs stay in her dress. They go to the restaurant. The waitress calls her ‘Elbow’ and she doesn’t try to rip open her jugular. TICK!

Contestant #2 Jacinda also jumps into the limo with more enthusiasm than a WAG on Brownlow night. She also helps change the flat…in a lace-up dress. She has fun, her boobs stay in, etc etc. She’s very normal. TICK!

 

jacinda gross

So much romance.

 

Meanwhile, the other bitches are starting to smell a rat. Two women have now left the house and they are v confused when a fresh-looking Osher appears with ANOTHER single date card. Hold. The. Phone! What is this madness?! (This obviously means no Group Date this week – BOOOO!)

All of a sudden no one is keen on being picked for gender sacrifice. That Rachel girl reads out the last date card which is something about knowing what’s around the corner? She looks confused. She asks whether they think these date cards have second meanings.

Babe.

Welcome to The Bachelor. All the writing staff do around here is come up with date puns and synonyms for “journey”. It definitely has a second meaning.

The poor woman chosen for this extra special three-way test date is Bec. The one Woody allegedly pashed while drunk in Thailand. Or Bali. Somewhere with alcohol.

En route to pick her up, Woody explains how happy he is to be spending time with Contestant #3 and that he wants to push “the fun button”. So…. sex. He wants to sex her. He talks about girls who are adventurous and like adventure like he likes adventure because being adventurous is really important in a partner. Adventure.

Luckily, Bec has twigged that this is some sort of test. And thank GAWD for that because I was legit starting to lose faith in all woman kind. On the plus side though, I realise that Woody has to sit through this God-awful date three times, so sucks to be him.

ANYHOO! Basically all three women behave pretty normally and no one scratches anyone’s eyes out which is obvi disappointing. Although they are a little miffed that this actress/waitress is flirting with their boyfriend which seems pretty bloody redundant considering they are competing on a national TV show where 15 other women flirt and pash said boyfriend, jussayin. #logic.

One by one they all return to the House that Spotlight Built and retell their amazing adventurous adventure to the other bitches. Don’t worry, they piece this very complex puzzle together eventually, but not nearly as quickly as they should have. I mean, how many times do they need to hear, “Omigod it was so amazing but the funniest thing happened!” before the penny drops?

 

buffy

What is happening?

 

Needless to say, this week’s cocktail party is a little less Playboy Mansion and a bit more school counsellor’s office. Woody looks genuinely surprised.

Turns out, all three bitches are super embarrassed about being sent on the same test date with their communal boyfriend to see who he liked better. It is WAY more embarrassing than the game of bubble soccer they had to play in their underwear yesterday. Again, #logic.

 

bubble soccer

Did you forget this happened?

On the other hand, faaaaark Sam is good at cute talking. His conversation with a crying Bec literally went like this:

B: I just feel really stupid.

S: That wasn’t my intention at all. You actually challenge me so much; it’s what I want. Plus you’re really hot.

B: *giggles* We’re in love now.

 

I’m not even making this up.*

You really wouldn’t even know that they’d been deliberately set up to look stupid just so Bachie could swoop on in and be a hero. Gosh, that would NEVER happen on this show!

However, Woody keeps referring to this whole thing as a “misunderstanding”. I think misunderstanding might be another term he doesn’t actually know the meaning of. Like friend-zoning. Someone get this guy a dictionary. Oh no wait, here’s Jacinda… she’ll explain it to you…

Oh no.

Yeah, THIS is what friend-zoning is, babe. Poor bloody Jacinda.

She is obviously pissed off but still manages to assure Woody that she had the most amazing day ever, just in case he was feeling any shred of regret.

And then all of a sudden, it’s over. He picks her up and places her smack bang on the throne of Friendship City. I think this means she’s going home. But then they hug, kiss and hold hands. THIS IS CONFUSING!

At this point I’m just not sure which way is up anymore, but I figure the shot of her getting into a car means it’s all over and Jacinda will have to return to her office as Mayor of Friendzone.

 

somekind1

I really hope some of you get this 80’s Friendzone reference…

 

Osher puts his serious face on and sombrely informs the rest of the harem that Jacinda has been deemed unlovable and will be returning to the real world where feminism still exists. Hence, there is no rose ceremony tonight. Everyone looks sad, but I think it’s more to do with the fact they got dolled up for no good reason.

 

As Jacinda drives away I really really hope that her bloody car doesn’t get a flat tyre, amirite?!

 

Join me next week when Woody FINALLY takes out Bitch Face Emily and we get to count how many times she makes her sour face. Yippee!

 

x

 

 

 

 

*I made it up. But only a little bit!

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: In 200 Words or Less

7 Aug

Guys, have you ever felt really excited about something, thought about it for several days, gotten yourself all dressed up for the occasion and then, like the finale of ‘How I Met Your Mother’, been so superbly let down you wanted to drown yourself in a bucket of Pinot?

Yeah that.

Tonight was meant to be Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather’s White Non-Sex Rose Date. Bitch had built this epic-ness up so much I was totally ready for supreme hipster dating game.

But… it was kind of a fizzer. The whole episode was really. So due to this and the fact that I am so ridiculously time-poor, here is my wrap-up in 200 words of less, with the help of visual aids:

 

Heather likes to doodle cool, dorky things.

 

art

#art

 

The other bitches like high buns and Tiffany pendants.

 

Personal training sessions in creepy prop museums are now a thing.

 

prop museum

Props are sexy.

 

Woody JUST LOVES ALL THE THINGS!

 

spongebob

Everything is THE BEST!

 

A girl called Rachel is on this show?

rachel

I thought you were Sarah?

 

Heather and Woody dress up in my old dance concert costumes.

 

superheroes

Pretty sure I danced to Janet Jackson in this.

 

Emily is still baffled by the White Rose. (ME TOO, BABE!)

 

Woody has no idea what the Friendzone ACTUALLY is.

 

jelly wrestle

This is definitely not what it is.

 

More pashing.

 

heather kiss

This is also not what it is.

 

Anal Glands literally cannot stop talking about anal glands.

 

dawson

Stahhhhhp!

 

There were hot lifeguards in this episode and no one tried to swim out to sea and escape.

 

Joni is very serious. She doesn’t like water. She is clearly going home.

 

joni

Bachie need water.

 

Pecking one of your 12 bitches on the lips in front of 3 of your other bitches is NOT OK.

 

say what

This is totally unexpected.

 

There’s an ATRIUM in the house?!

 

peck

I think this is it?

 

Jasmin/Fire Hazard has never had a boyfriend before. Life makes sense again.

 

Channel 10 are getting really slack at making it hard to guess who is going home.

 

bye ag

I’ll miss you, Anal Glands.

Please join me next week when things are hopefully heaps more interesting.

I wonder if I can still sneak “anal glands” into these posts?

Challenge accepted.

xx

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Bitches Do Democracy

6 Aug

Parliament is now in session!

 

Before I delve into my educated and impassioned spiel, I do need to share something; I dropped the ball this week. I didn’t organise my calendar very well and so actually missed last night’s episode as I was at work. So I am sitting watching the replay on my computer as we speak. For some cursed reason, there always seems to be a week early on in the season where I become completely incommunicado and unable to fulfil my Bachie duties. I promise to go back to having no life next week and do better.

 

OKAY.

 

It’s morning time. The sun rises. Woody comes to the deck. He’s wearing his best Rebel Sports get-up. Woody is really sporty, guys. He owns a fitness company. He can’t possibly start a day of wining and dining bitches without a smart workout.

He tells us that he is 34 and time is of the essence. He really needs a woman he can fall “head ova hoils” for. True story.

Back at the Lincraft Manor, the bitches are, surprisingly, not hanging about the Mess Hall, but rather, have been moved into the much classier-looking Formal Day Room. There are lots of white couches and candles. It could be Osher’s dressing room; hard to say.

Speaking of that glorious weave, Oshy himself steps in the tell the ladies that he has no date card as he and Sam have realised their true feelings for one another and flown to Zimbabwe to adopt one of Brangelina’s children. Bitches look mad.

Jokes.

In actual fact, Osher is here to tell the women that, this week, THEY get to decide who goes on a date with Woody. Because DEMOCRACY!

Jacinda is all for it; she is legit excited that she gets a say in who goes on a date with a dude no one really knows very well.

Tall Bitch #3 isn’t as enthusiastic. She admits she needs the Bachelor to choose HER, not the other way round. Unfortunately, she has yet to realise that bad #draping skills get you nowhere on this show so this might be her only chance.

Cool Girl Heather is definitely not Cool with it either. Her reaction is very Not-Cool. Her Cool Façade is crumbling.

Some girl called Nina says something about choosing things.

Osher explains that they will vote anonymously. And before he has even finished that sentence, he quickly reminds the bitches that they cannot vote for themselves. They look genuinely disappointed.

Parma heads outside to place her vote in Bachie Survivor. She reasons that it’s all about karma. Parma and karma rhyme. It’s funny. I forget what else she says because I started thinking about chicken.

 

tribal council

#equality

 

Back at Tribal Council, Osher breaks the news that two of the bitches have come in at a tie. The even better news is that those two women are Tall Bitch #3 (whose name is Madeleine FYI) and……my bestie, Craylor Swift aka Sandra! Things are LOOKING UP!

Except the rest of the bitches disagree with me and all re-vote for Tall Bitch #3. The worst. Apparently because she’s quiet. Logic.

YAY! EQUALITY!

(Guys, that Ebru woman pops up again. Is she the make-up artist?)

 

ebru

Do you work here?

 

While Woody waits for his Democracy Date down at some dingy boat shed, we find out that Tall Bitch #3 is from rural Victoria. And, shut the front door, she bakes cupcakes, guys! She has serious #wifeskills. She also said earlier that she needs her man to choose her. Something tells me she was made for this show.

Woody gets her onto a little boat and things get v v Notebook-like when it starts to rain, but with a generous dash of awkward as Madeleine panics that her hair is getting wet. Bitch, you didn’t see Rachel McAdams carry on like a pork chop, did you? To her credit, she does what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation; she sucks down the champagne like a puppy at a teat.

God I love day-drinking.

 

notebook rain 2

How dare you make me nature!

 

But things take a turn for the worse when we, and Woody, realise that Madeleine is super dooper annoying and vain. After complaining about her wet hair (look, I’ll forgive that one. If my hair gets wet I end up resembling a mangy poodle), she then goes on to whinge about her ruined makeup AND turns down a free picnic feed because she doesn’t want to get strawberry seeds in her teeth! For realz, she is the worst dater ever. Bitch needs to put a lid on it.

Woody is not impressed. He puts it down to their age gap. Come on, mate, she’s 26. She should be able to adult by now.

 

madeleine

I am so good at this.

 

Meanwhile, Bec (I think that’s her name – she’s kind of like Chantal from last year? Chantal the Sequel) bounds into the Rotunda with a gold envelope. Holy sheet, its… ANOTHER SINGLE DATE! What is this MADNESS?!

The bitches are saaaaaaaah pissed.

After they get their illogical arguments out of their systems, they do a smart brainstorm session over what the date might be. Considering the card said, “rise and shine”, Joni surmises that maybe they’ll be sleeping over somewhere so that they can wake up together.

Someone needs to catch Joni up with Bachie lingo. There is no sexy-time until Dates with No Time Limits. Although that didn’t really happen last year, did it? (Not looking at anyone, Channel 10!)

And the winner is… Parmigiana!

She seems a little worried as she hasn’t been on a date in ages. Because she has a kid. Which I totally forgot about. Kiev I think her name was?

Anyway, based on her previous experience, the best advice I can give Parma at this point is – use protection? Seems appropriate.

The producers get Woody and Parma up at the butt-crack of dawn to go hot air ballooning. I think they borrowed it off Bron Bishop. She’s such a giver.

Cue much triumphant soaring music and more day drinking. Weee!

 

bronwyn

Please. I have heaps of flying machines.

 

Once back on solid ground, the two continue their day drinking crawl with a trip to a vineyard. Something something grapes, something something beautiful, something something picnic.

 

THEY PASH! WOOO!

Well done, Parmigiana. You get a rose.

 

snezana

Pashing!

 

 

Cocktail Party.

It’s a theme tonight – the Roaring Twenties. Any excuse to wear sparkles and get the boobs out, amirite?

The bitches are like cooped up chickens waiting to peck someone’s eye out after no group date this week. Their formal gowns and glittery headwear do little to mask the desperation.

Woody asks Cool Girl Heather for a moment alone and the rest of the bitches crack the sads. I get the distinct impression they are not on the Cool Girl Train.

Woody admits his White (Sex) Rose plan has kind of back-fired on him, as he’s been waiting for her to “call him”. I mean, you’d think this was real life and he’d given a girl an ounce of power. Poor pet. I like Sam, but I think this show is starting to mess with his understanding of life.

 

heather uncool

I’m still cool, right?

 

In her post-alone-time-interview, Cool Girl admits she’s getting a case of “the girlies” and is once again proving to me that she is not so Cool at all. Very Uncool, Cool Girl.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah also gets a moment with Woody, which is promptly interrupted by Craylor Swift, who is super anxious for Bachie Face Time. She waits behind a corner, like a patient Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and springs herself onto her victims.

At first it seems BBS is copping it on the chin and is about to Exit Stage Left gracefully, but hold the phone, no, she’s going to stick it out on the Couch of Awkward between her potential Logies date and his other girlfriend. Awkward levels reach critical. Craylor doesn’t seem too phased. She is heaven on a biscuit.

 

sandra interrupts

Stay calm…look normal…

 

Rose Ceremony!

Lucky for them, Parmigiana’s boobs already have a rose, so they are safe. (And out!)

Tall Bitch #3 didn’t get a rose on her individual date because her hair got messy, so she is a little bit worried.

Craylor is stressing that maybe Woody doesn’t like girls he is dating to interrupt his conversations with other girls he is dating.

Emily is worried her dress doesn’t have enough cut-outs.

Anal Glands….says something about anal glands.

……………………………….

 

Poor Tall Bitch#3. It seems her messy hair, #draping skills and refusal to eat strawberries have sealed her fate. Woody takes her outside to say a proper goodbye and hopefully school her a little bit on how to adult.

 

At least she’s still got her cupcakes and Victorian values, I guess.

 

Join me tomorrow, when Cool But Not-Cool Girl finally executes her super cool date and says lots of things like “rad” and “dude”.

 

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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