Tag Archives: The Bachelor Season 3

The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

 

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

 

sam sister

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa. 

 

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

 

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

 

lana boat

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

 

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

 

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

 

hay bales

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

 

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

 

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

 

leo 2

 

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

 

nina happy

Yay! Intruders suck!

 

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

 

finale carnage

Someone got paid to decorate this. 

 

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

 

zamels ring

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

xx

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

 

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

 

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

 

lamborghini

Do Nissan know about this??

 

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

 

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

 

wow gif

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

 

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

 

pool kissing

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

 

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

 

vanilla milkshake

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

 

jacobs creek

This…

giraffe

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

snez and sarah

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

x

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Mayor of Friendzone

11 Sep

Well at least we can agree something interesting happened tonight!

 

Just so we’re clear, this has pretty much been my face for the last 12 hours….

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

I’m not OK, guys.

I really wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Melbourne tram union and go out in protest, but then again, Oprah always tells us how important it is to sort through our feelings otherwise we end up constipated and wrinkly. Neither of these things suit me.

So it’s Home Visits night – the annual event of Bachie + Bitches + Bitches Families = Awkward Level 10. And, to an extent, it didn’t disappoint.

Woody started off doing some SERIOUS water thinking and then even more serious shaving thinking. Then shirtless shaving thinking. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many neurons firing at once.

I mean, he spent most of last episode assuring the bitches that his feelings for them are not about their families, but then explains tonight that meeting their families is a McBig Deal and could make or break his feelings. #logic.

HEATHER

Ok, so Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather hinted at the fact that she “didn’t have a proper family” last episode. I joked about her collection of beanies (and homemade jewellery) standing in for them which I now feel a little bit bad about because her dad died.

It isn’t clear what happened with Mrs Heather, but that is irrelevant because all you need to know about is…

warwick

WARWICK.

Guys. Do NOT f*%$ with Warwick.

He is a bone fide Queensland farmer/steamroller who ain’t got time for nobody. The story behind Warwick is that Heather worked on his farm from a young age and he has been like a second father to her.

He is legit terrifying.

Woody shows up with his six-pack of Peroni and best button-up shirt and tries to play the “I’m from Tasmania mate, so I’m just like you. Cows and horses and nature and stuff” card. Bitch, please.

Warwick spends his screen time dropping truth bombs on Woody and Heather and not even cracking a smile. He makes Woody go through the remaining 4 girls one by one and list off what he’s attracted to in them. The best part of this is that Woody refers to each one as “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and so on. It has about as much emotion to it as a scientist listing off his experiment subjects.

Nothing Woody says impresses Warwick and Australia lets out a collective cheer that Warwick should be elected the new ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’. I would watch the shit out of that.

He then takes Heather upstairs to a carved wooden swing, which I bet every bloody dollar I have that he made with his own bare hands. She tells him how crazy this experience has been and Warwick basically tells her that if Woody (or any other man she may come across) hurts her, he will get his shotgun off the wall and go postal.

LANA

Cue triumphant mist music as Woody and Lana meet atop a mountain somewhere in the NSW hinterland because Lana is v v travel. She only rendezvous on magic, mystical mountains.

Woody is still completely gaga for her and they spend a solid ten minutes staring at each other on a boat. And talking about how beautiful the scenery is. I feel like I’ve seen this before…

They arrive at Lana’s house and are greeted by Mrs Lana and a mystery blonde lady. Mystery blonde lady doesn’t seem too phased by this whole business and just continues to carve up a delicious South Cape cheese platter. Because South Cape is obviously a sponsor of this show, and because I love cheese more than a lot of things, here is a picture of South Cape cheese. South Cape, can you please send me some delicious South Cape cheese now??

south cape

True love.

Mrs Lana uses a paper thin excuse to get Woody alone “downstairs” and ask him important mum questions. Lana looks worried. I think she’s scared her mum is going to show him pictures of her without her hair swept to one side.

Blah blah blah my daughter is too good for you blah blah blah don’t make her move to Melbourne you mean Bachelor man.

Nothing else interesting happens.

SARAH

Sigh. I like Sarah. But her and Woody combined are just a very large Vanilla Milkshake.

Vanilla Milkshake start off with a fancy picnic by a beach box. Reports say beach box belongs to her family. Her family got money.

Mrs Sarah puts on her Pottery Barn apron and takes Woody into the herb garden (no seriously, it was seriously a garden dedicated to herbs) and that’s when Twitter delivered this:

prue

#accurate.

She lays down the gauntlet with this gem: “If your personality was an animal, what would it be?”

Obvi he tells her he’s a puppy. Because woolly mammoth or komodo dragon would probably scare her off. Does Woody know that puppies pee on everything and eat their own vomit??

Me? I’d be a domestic cat. I’m lazy and like people to pat me.

Blah blah they all have dinner at Sarah’s fancy house with her parents, cousins and grandma. Who is barely shown. FYI, Channel 10; nanas make excellent television. Fact. I want more nana time.

sarah nana

I bet you were more interesting than everyone else.

PARMIGIANA

Woody can no longer imagine Parmigiana’s daughter to be some well-loved Cabbage Patch Doll because she is HERE IN THE FLESH!

Little Kiev is super excited to see her mum and the guy who made her mum catch farm animals for him.

She has come prepared with a long list of questions, one of which requires Woody to name the capital of some sort of exotic country. He can’t do it. Geography was not Woody’s strong area in high school. The other question is, “Do you like One Direction?”

More big questions to ponder.

kiev

Do you love my mum? Tick YES or NO.

The three of them then retire to Parmigiana’s family home to have dinner with all of Perth. There are like, 100 people in that house and food for 200. It’s impressive.

If I were Woody, Parma would have this in the bag. I love a meat spread.

Parmigiana’s father doesn’t seem too phased by the guy dating his daughter as well as three other bitches, so he passes on grilling duties to Parma’s brother; the baby-faced assassin.

This guy is Warwick 2.0: The Europe Experience. I mean, Hell hath no fury like a protective ethnic brother. He accuses Woody of trying to steal Parma away from their family, and is definitely not impressed by the fact he is a communal boyfriend to three other women.

Meanwhile, Parmigiana looks genuinely shocked that her sister isn’t totally on board with this husband competition.

Whatever. Once the pastrami is packed away, they pash outside and Woody goes on his merry way.

NON-COCKTAIL PARTY

There isn’t really a cocktail party tonight. The four bitches just kind of stand on the balcony, looking concerned and reflective.

Woody is hidden in his secret Bachie pen, swiping through his potential wives on an iPad. #romance.

ROSE CEREMONY

Just typing this is already bringing tears to my eyes. I wish I could mask the pain with sarcastic jokes, but I don’t think I can.

I honestly thought Sarah was gone. I mean, Parmigiana is safe because what an A-grade douche Woody would look like sending her home immediately after meeting her real-life daughter.

And Lana is obvi safe because Woody appears to still be hypnotised by her big eyes and travel lifestyle.

And OBVIOUSLY Heather is also safe because they are in love and she is going to win…..

What just happened?

Sarah just got the first rose.

Parmigiana gets the second.

It is between Cool Girl and Travel Girl. I legit can feel my heart rate shoot through my nostriles. WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!

Heather is going home.

That’s what is happening.

I think I screamed like a banshee. Then blacked out.

This is not OK.

I am not OK with this.

Cool But Not So Cool Girl, the only one with any smidgen of a real personality, has been friend-zoned in the most brutal way and will now return with her carton of beers to take over Jacinda’s duties as Mayor of said Friendzone.

It is fecking heart-breaking. It is literally like the time Joffrey killed Ned Stark on ‘Game of Thrones’.

I think I might be a little too invested in this show.

heather sad

Winter is definitely not coming.

If I ever do run into Sam Wood, I am going to punch him in the anal glands.

tyra

I’m out. x

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The Bachelor Season 3: The War is Over

10 Sep

The battle is over and peace may reign again my friends.

 

Take from that what you will. It’s a spoiler, but whatever. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.

 

Welcome to the episode I will affectionately refer to as “The Warm-Up to Home Visits”. For realz, tonight just kind of felt like some weird mormon speed-dating/psycho beach sex party thing that we had to get through so that Sam looks more legit meeting four women’s parentals tomorrow.

Usually around this time in the show, Bachie and his harem of lady meat are whisked away to some sort of tropical/foreign/far away place where they gush over scenery and do a lot of the same kind of shit they do at home but just with nicer back-drops.

Like, in 2013 they went to Western Australia with the final 8 and then to Thailand with the final 2. Last year they went….somewhere and then to Africa? Sorry, I’ve kind of blocked the whole Blake saga from my memory. But they definitely went somewhere tropical.

But, because this is 2015, the year of #budgetcuts, Woody and his final 5 are being whisked away from Sydney to…. a beach house just outside of Sydney. They are not even trying to hide the fact they have no money anymore. Unless they are saving erry goddamn penny for the finale to be set at the freaking North Pole. Or Richard Branson’s house.

 

beach shack 3

#budgetcuts.

 

The five bitches all look super dooper excited to be all going away for the weekend to a beach house someone rented off an Air B’n’B sale. They are sitting around in the Rotunda (clearly after the last rose ceremony) and eagerly discussing how amazing it is that some guy from Tasmania has decided that they might be potential wives for him. They cannot wait to get started on their Non-Holiday.

Uh-Oh! Der-rama!

Mother Nature has cruelly turned on Bachie and his romance dreams and has made it piss down raining, how very dare she! Not to be deterred, Woody is staying positive about their getaway and whipping up a couple of cheese platters and some Monopoly to keep everyone entertained.

And you know what happens when you combine a beach house with torrential rain? It becomes A SEX HOUSE! Hooray!

 

spongebob

Silver linings, people!

 

Basically what happens from this point onwards is that Woody takes each bitch on a quick mini-date to some sort of local “beachy” attraction and then to some kind of lounge room with a beach view. #beach

Lana

Guys, Lana is showing her cute, playful side! She’s wearing her panda beanie! Gosh, she’s so cute and zany.

 

lana hat

I got this beanie in a foreign country.

 

Because she is a serious golfer, they trot off to hit a few balls at the driving range. Lana shows Woody how to drive his club straight and hard.

Woody is still clearly smitten with her and continues to marvel at how travel she is and then explains that he’s “always preferred women who are smarter” than him which really doesn’t narrow it down, I’m sorry.

Then they go sit on a couch in a room somewhere. Where are they? WHO OWNS THESE RANDOM LOUNGE ROOMS THEY GO TO?! I mean, is it Osher’s dressing room? What is going ON?!

Basically Lana has final 2 in the bag and is already planning the igloo they will live in in Iceland.

 

Snezana

Shit is going downhill FAST, because Parmigiana’s “date” is literally the two of them walking around Random NSW Beach Town in the pouring rain.

 

walk in rain

More #budgetcuts.

 

You gotta love the first few weeks of dating, don’t you? When you’re like, “Oh my god, a romantic walk in the rain? I’d LOVE that!”

Fast forward five years, and it’s more like, “Are you f*$#ing kidding me?!”

Amirite, ladies?

#beach date over, they head to another random lounge room.

Parmigiana has photos of Kiev to show to Woody because Kiev is her daughter. It seems to dawn on Woody at that very moment that Parmigiana has an actual daughter and not an imaginary daughter that she dreamt up in Health class. They start throwing words like “family” and “pressure” around and all of sudden Sam is trying to figure out a way to dig himself up from this family-shaped hole he has gotten into.

 

Heather

Heather is the lucky one of the bunch. She gets to go to an actual restaurant. Mind you, it’s one of those restaurants stuck onto a Best Western on the side of a highway, but hey, beggars and choosers and whatnot.

Because she is still the Cool Girl of the group, they do some cool things like eat teppanyaki and piss off the chef who just flings food at them like he couldn’t give a f*#%.

 

teppanyaki chef

I better be getting paid for this.

 

Cool #beach activity over, they also retire to a couch and drink beer. Because Heather is cool. Only cool people drink beer.

But more der-rama! Woody is totes worried that he and Heather are slipping back into Friendzone because she insists on calling him awful things like “dude”. This is obviously just a ploy to trick us into thinking she might go home tonight, but we ALL know who that award’s going to so do not even try that on, Channel 10!

On the other hand, Cool Girl is “shitting herself” about home visits because apparently she doesn’t have a family? I’m very confused about what she’s going to do next week. Introduce Sam to her large collection of beanies?

Big questions to be answered.

 

Sarah

I basically have no idea what happened here because Busy Businesswoman has poured all of her personality into her job, how very dare she, and has none left to give this show.

SURPRISE! They too sit on a random vanilla couch somewhere and say vanilla things to each other.

 

chandler asleep gif

Best. Date. Ever.

 

Nina

Oh Ninz. Erryone kind of knows your time is up except for you. This is made obvious through Sam’s pre-date interview that sounds very much like the speech you make right before you break up with someone and run off with their best friend to Bali.

And by “date” I mean they stand on the side of a canal and go fishing. And by “go fishing” I mean we watch awkwardly as Sam throws a fishing line out into the water like an 8 year-old girl and tries not to make eye contact with the woman he is clearly going to dump.

Nina is worried that, should she make it to home visits, her mum will try and cut her grass which makes me extra sad because we are definitely not going to see this happen.

 

cool mom

How I imagine Nina’s mum.

 

Cut to (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR) another random lounge room where some thoughtful intern has left them a cardboard box of flake and minimum chips to snack on. #beach.

Woody lists every single thing he can think of about Nina that is a euphemism for “you’re too loud and annoying” because Woody only likes girls who are feminine and quiet and don’t have opinions but she doesn’t get the hint.

Boys, if you’re reading this, “I loved your energy” is pretty much the second worst thing you can ever say to a woman, just quietly.

Poor Nina is adamant that she can still prove to Woody that she is, deep down, really boring and submissive.

Don’t count on it, babe.

 

Cocktail Party!

Because Woody has spent sah much time and effort coming up with all these #beach speed dates, he has decided that he is DONE, and tonight, the bitches come to him.

This sends all the bitches into a tail spin as they internally debate the pros and cons of a woman approaching a man!

Nina uses the extra thinking time to remind us that the war between the Originals and Lana the Intruder is still going strong and the total horror of their communal boyfriend choosing a bitch he has known for 3 weeks over a bitch he has known for 3 months would be an absolute travesty of justice.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but there are no participation ribbons in the game of love.

 

Rose Ceremony!

After the world’s least riveting cocktail party of six people sitting around on more couches, the vibe has taken a dramatic nose dive.

 

rose ceremony 2015

Please don’t make us sit on more couches.

 

Because Lana is so very travel, she gets the first rose.

Parmigiana and Busy Businesswoman get the next two.

Leaving Heather and the leader of the Intruder vs Original Revolution, Nina. I told you Channel 10 were going to try and pull the Seed hand crafted wool over our eyes.

Heather is final 2, y’all. Ain’t no WAY she is going anywhere.

It’s curtains for Nina. And with her, the battle is over. William Nina Wallace has been sent to the gallows, or wherever loser revolution leaders go…

 

braveheart

Never forget.

 

 

Join me tomorrow for the reason this whole episode existed: Home Visits!

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Race for Wood

21 Aug

Bitches, start your engines!

 

Wait… I feel like I’ve said that before?

 

That’s right, I did. I used that same line last year when He Who Shall Not Be Named took his harem of bitches race car driving.

Either I need to get some new jokes or this show is running out of ideas. Or maybe fast driving is a legit wife skill that must be tested each year?

Anyhoo, welcome to the Race That Stops the Nation. Because this episode is all about a race, Woody starts us off by strolling through a paddock of race horses, talking about the race for his heart and how time is racing away from them. #symbolism.

Back at the Mess Hall, the bitches are drinking their Skinny Detox Tea when Osher arrives with a thick package from Sam.

 

package

Exhibit A: Sam’s thick package.

 

GROUP DATE!

No surprises here, it’s something about racing. Nina can barely keep a lid on it, she’s so keen. Turns out she’s been harbouring some serious bogan tendencies in those crop tops she’s so fond of.

She admits she’s quite the rev head and all of a sudden I can picture all of these alleged weddings she plans and finally I understand who is keeping pink Hummers in business….

 

this guy

This guy.

 

At the Speedway of Dreams, Osher tells them they are about to compete in The Bachelor Grand Prix and literally race for Sam’s Wood. Which would almost sound bad ass, if it weren’t for the glorified dodgem cars they get into.

Now that Jasmin’s Jaw has returned to the world where feminism exists (real life), the producers have cottoned on that the pool of cray is quickly dwindling. And since Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather has been managing to play it relatively cool of late, these producers have suddenly decided that Emily doesn’t hate her anymore but hates Nina instead.

WHOAH! DER-RAMA!

Emily proclaims that her sole intention today is to beat Nina because the producers told her to she doesn’t like her and her love of cars.

Osher starts the Wood race and Emily is off quicker than a housewife at a Myer sale. See ya, bitchez!

She is not giving any f*&#s who she crashes into because it’s obviously v v important that she shows how serious she is about winning Wood by being really competitive.

Meanwhile, that Rachel lady is laggin like a proper old nana driver… the other bitches are lapping her every few minutes. Kind of like they’re lapping you in life, babe.

 

granny driving

 

Things take an awkward turn for the worse when Nina thinks she has won and makes a big freaking song and dance about it until Osher informs her that, actually, Emily slayed erryones’s asses by 7 whole seconds and she is just so gracious in her victory you’d think Princess Diana was back in the room. Nina obvi takes it really well.

And OBVI Emily’s reward is uninterrupted Woody time. With a glass of champs. YAY DAY DRINKING!

Sitting on a bench fashioned of old car tyres, it becomes clear that maybe Woody isn’t the biggest fan of young Bitch Face Emily and her negative tude. Especially when she smugly tells him how happy she is to have beaten Nina.

Woody no likey.

Woody confused.

“I’m not sure if it’s really about love or winning with Emily,” he laments.

Dude, she LITERALLY just had to win something so that she could have this conversation with you about winning a race so you could wonder if she was about winning or not. #bachielogic.

As usual, Emily doesn’t seem to give too much of a f*%# and just sips her daytime champs like no big deal.

After the celebration of gender equality is over, back at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, the bitches are casually lounging about the Rotunda waiting for something interesting to happen. Of course talk turns to their communal boyfriend and who is going to get the next single date because that is literally the only chance any of them have of escaping their interior decorated prison for more than 5 minutes.

The logical choice for single date WOULD be this Rachel/Random Blonde Lady who I have legit never seen Woody say two bloody words to but who he has nevertheless continued to gift with roses. I mean, I know they say to keep a bit of mystery about you ladies, but this is pushing it! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!

Not important enough to get a single date, apparently, because Parmigiana is in fact getting a second run at Mt Woody. You can actually see Rachel’s face fall at the news and for a moment there I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered I was watching The Bachelor where rational and dignified decisions are kind of like Ian Thorpe’s failed line of jewellery; non-existent. (Remember when that nearly happened, guys?)

Woody realizes that there are still some girls in the house (Rachel) who he has yet to take on one single date, however, he just HAD to see Parma again because….. he wants to bone her real bad. He didn’t say those words, but I’m reading between the lines here.

He picks her up in a vintage speedboat, driven by a poor old dude who looks like he’s about 90. It’s good to see Channel 10 are still employing Higgins from last year.

 

 eddie boat

Weeeee! True love!

 

The aforementioned boat is aptly named La Dolce Vita, or as Woody calls is, “La Dulchi Voita. It moines tha saweet loife!” #straya.

Teaming with the Italian theme (because Parmigiana is Italian food, right?) off they trot to Woody’s very own version of Little Italy i.e. a couch and a stall of sponsorship produce in the back garden of some unsuspecting Sydney resident. YAY MULTICULTURALISM!

Cue montage of pizza-making and shots of South Cape products and phallic-looking meats and vegetables. (“Look at all this moit!” – S. Wood, 2015). This is just an unsubtle representation of all the boning they want to do, but because it’s only 7.30pm, they settle for throwing flour at each other instead.

 

la dolce

Forehead sex is back, guys.

 

After Parma’s had time to digest Woody’s pepperoni, HELLO RANDOM WAITER MAN WHO HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE! Unnamed waiter man drops off a strange, sphere-shaped concoction that Woody says is meant to be the Death Star dessert.

 

 

Sorry, what?

 

 

There are so many things wrong with this moment, I just don’t have enough time to process it.

Woody tells her how totally fine he is with the fact that she has a daughter because he is totally fine with kids and it would be totally fine to date a woman with a kid.

They then spoon-feed each other and say how good the other tastes. #sex. If Parma plays her cards right, she might just walk away with Woody’s love child. Or just pash rash.

 

Meanwhile….

Casually hanging out at the Rotunda, the bitches are once again trying to find interesting things to say that aren’t about Sam, but are failing miserably. Talk soon turns to Parma and how hot she is and that Woody finds her really hot. All of a sudden, and definitely not because she was prompted to by producers, Nina blurts out that Parma and Woody had a sneaky suck-face on the group date! Bitches be like…

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

Our boyfriend did WHAT?!

While Nina slinks away into the background.

whoops gif

Did I say something bad?

Obviously, this is meant to set us up for a super bitchy showdown at the cocktail party between Parmigiana and Emily’s new mortal enemy, Nina. (Who she astutely labelled as being “disingenuine”. Yeah, English!)

Nina takes Parma outside to make her confession and is all like, “I feel super bad about telling you this but I need to get it off my chest that I totally told our communal boyfriend’s other girlfriends that you sucked face with our communal boyfriend on a group date that we were also on and I didn’t mean to tell anyone but now the other girlfriends are outraged and seem super mad but it was an accident and had nothing to do with ratings at all so I’m like, totes sorry.”

Luckily Parma possesses a somewhat normal brain and forgives her. Bitchy Showdown avoided. Quick! Someone get Emily out here to say something mean!

 

Nope, too late. It’s Rose Ceremony time.

Twitter is all abuzz that Emily has delivered her last barb and will be sent packing, but I’m not so sure. Despite her bitchy remarks and the brain damage it obviously inflicted on Woody, he is still hoping to bone her and she is the most interesting thing on this show now; she ain’t goin anywhere, y’all!

Oh no, that Rachel person didn’t get a rose. Everyone looks a bit surprised that the woman they thought was their hairdresser is being sent home. Woody assures her she is an amazing, amazing woman for someone he has never met and she seems happy about that.

Byyyyeeee random Rachel lady.

 

pocahontas bye

xx

P.S   INTRUDER BITCHES ENTER THE BATCAVE NEXT WEEK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: It’s a Ho-Down!

20 Aug

Heel toe, heel toe, promenade and do-si-do your partner!

#straya.

 

Guys, I don’t know about you, but gosh I learnt a whole new set of husband-catching skills tonight. This really is the show that keeps on giving.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #1 – Get excited!

As in, you must be excited about ALL OF THE THINGS ALL OF THE TIME!

We cut straight to the Mansion that Spotlight Built, bypassing all potential water-related work outs or poignant mathematics by Woody. Osher breezes in while the bitches pretend to miss Jacinda and presents Bitch Face Emily with the single date card.

Girlfriend cracks a rare smile then goes back to her peppermint tea like she couldn’t give a f*ck.

 

cinderella gif

 

The other bitches are super outraged and offended that she didn’t jump up and down and whip her panties out the window.

Obviously she is no good. When you compete for a boyfriend on national TV you MUST ensure that you display maximum excitement levels whenever you get to spend time with potential boyfriend.

Hopefully I get to use this skill soon by clapping and squealing joyously the next time a man speaks to me in person. I think I’d be good at it.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #2 – Be good at digging.

Emily’s date card says something about “treasure the time we spend together” or words equally as naff. That Rachel person surmises that maybe it’s a treasure hunt? Lolzz Rach, good one you old joker, you… oh no, wait….yeah…. they are LITERALLY going on a treasure hunt. (Guys, when the bitches start correctly reading between the lines of your date cards, it’s time to hire new writers.)

Woody explains that his relationship with Bitch Face is purely physical which is code for ‘non-existant’ since they do not know each other at all. But he finds her hot and would like to bone her. #sex.

And for that she is rewarded with a treasure hunt that is over in 3 minutes. I mean, the first clue was “hidden” on her paddle board. Nice work, Channel 10 intern.

They reach the final clue on the beach and then Woody makes her dig for his love. They literally dig a funking treasure box out of the funking sand.

Zamels must have their new catalogue out because it’s a lovely non-diamond bracelet that Woody totally bought himself and has nothing to do with sponsorship. Bitch Face looks happy about it.

 

treasure island

I LOVE Zamels!

 

So if you see me around in the next few weeks, my nails will no longer be manicured in case any potential husband requires me to dig some sort of mystery item out of the earth.

And in case you were wondering, this whole date was a snore fest. Even Emily was having trouble staying awake. But she gets a rose. NEXT!

 

Husband-Catching Skill #3 – Drive a Nissan

Yeah, that pretty much says it all.

#sponsorship.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #4 – Grab things with your mouth.

The group date this week is to a farm/deserted outback town somewhere in rural NSW. Because Woody totally organised this whole shebang, he has Osher come and stand next to him and explain all the details to the enraptured bitches while he stands there and thinks about the outdoor dunny he used to have as a kid.

Jasmin’s jaw is already not impressed by her surrounds, but has tried to be a good sport about this whole outdoor/nature thing and worn her best leopard-print scarf.

Firstly, the logical thing to do when on a farm with your communal boyfriend is bob for apples. Actually, make that participate in an apple bobbing competition with 7 other women while your communal boyfriend referees that is good clean fun and has absolutely nothing to do with blow job technique. GO FEMINISM!

The ladies soon discover that boobs present a serious obstacle to getting ones head into the bucket so, just to reaffirm their status as strong, independent women, they start an unofficial wet t-shirt competition.

 

bobbing

This is not sexual at all.

 

Heather is pronounced the most skilled at grabbing things with her mouth; a title she seems v v proud of. Because they’re in the country, her reward is five uninterrupted Woody minutes making lemonade! YEAH! THE COUNTRY!

At this point, my friend, who legit grew up in the country, remarked:

You wanna know how many times I made lemonade? Zero times. If they really wanted an authentic country experience, where’s the date where they pluck and gut a chicken?!

Now THAT I would like to see.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #5 – Catch farm animals and like it.

Because they are in the country, obvi there are going to be animals involved. Jasmin’s jaw makes it very clear that farms and animals and just generally being in nature is not her bag, and so, obviously, the producers decide that she should have to catch a sheep.  She is super dooper not excited about it, so it is pretty obvious already who’ll be getting the boot tonight.

(Her other comment about hating the idea of milking a cow is a clear message that there’ll be no under-the-zipper action at the movies anytime soon, Woody, just FYI.)

Jasmin, you MUST love all farm animals as well as be able to catch them to be a good wife. Don’t you know ANYTHING?!

 

jasmin unimpressed

Can nature.

 

It’s okay; she just manages to herd the damn thing into the paddock and clip off a bit of it’s wool. It’s very final-scene-of-‘Babe’.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #6 – Barn dancing.

I am so pissed I wasted all that money on contemporary and music theatre dance lessons. Turns out barn dancing is where it’s at with the dudes.

Woody takes the bitches to a nearby barn to get jiggy with it a la Jessica Simpson circa 2005.

They do a token do-si-do and heel toe move but then quickly retire to the benches to suck down the beer because they are in the country and that is what you do in the country.

(Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Emily is hitting the champagne and stealing everyone’s shit.)

 

jessica how down

I don’t remember this move from primary school…

Husband-Catching Skill #7 – Break the Girl Code but care about it.

Woody steals Parmigiana away for some alone time and, as usual, the other bitches are annoyed and have clearly forgotten what show they are on. Woody and Parma have a semi-boring conversation until SWEET VALLEY HIGH DID HE JUST TELL HER HE DOESN’T GIVE A RATS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY?!

Yep. That is exactly what he said.

Woody stares at Parmigiana like she is literally a succulent piece of crumbed chicken and he is a newly-evicted Survivor contestant. After she finishes saying something (whatever it was, it was clearly not important) he explains that they have an intense physical “connection” and they don’t need “stupid words”. And he lunges at her.

Poor Bachie. He is just dying to bone this chick. All that talking she does must bring a playa down.

 

snez pash

I care so much about your opinion.

 

Post-Suck-Face, Parma tells us that she felt a bit bad pashing on with Woody on a group date and that she’s clearly broken the Girl Code but maybe she doesn’t really care because she’s on The Bachelor and the whole premise of this show breaks the Girl Code and any other code associated with feminism or women’s rights anyway.

 

 

All this learning of things leads us straight into the Rose Ceremony. I assume the barn dance/beer guzzling session constitutes for the cocktail party this week? Waaahhhh!

Jasmin’s jaw just knows it’s not going to be good news. Her husband-catching skills have been very sub-par this week; she’s feeling quite ashamed of herself. It’s her and Nina for bottom two. Nina seems to be having an out-of-body experience suddenly wondering if that totally natural, World Record-breaking kiss she shared with Bachie while 20 people looked on meant anything.

Turns out it meant enough to Woody to keep her around for another week.

It’s curtains for Super Jaw. She is set free back out into the world to hate on everything else like a regular person.

 

jasmin sad face

Jasmin sad face.

 

Bye bye, Jasmin. Don’t set anything on fire.

 

x

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Climb

13 Aug

There’s always gonna be another mountain…

Or in this case, another bitch trying to kiss my boyfriend.

 

 

Today in the House that Spotlight Built, there is no time for swimming or thinking montages because erryone is still super mad that Woody kissed one of his 12 girlfriends in front of 3 of his other girlfriends.

Poor Cool But Not So Cool Girl, H-Bomb, is having a really hard time trying to deal with this recent turn of events and has seemingly forgotten that she is on a television dating show where she is literally pitted against other women for the chance to date a guy.

Osher rocks up just in time to ease the tension, wearing his best Gazman button-up. GUYS! He’s got a DATE CARD! And it goes to Nina. I’m almost positive she’s the one with dark hair who plans other people’s weddings and isn’t Sandra?

Whatever. She dons her most inappropriate top and skinny jeans and heads on out to Sydney Harbour. Again. Because Bachie cannot possibly undertake dating activities that aren’t in the vicinity of water or harbours.

Woody meets her at the pier and tells her he’s had this super special date saved just for her and it had nothing to do with the producers. He also tells her that he loves the fact that she hasn’t asked him to do anything for her or made him feel bad about dating her 15 housemates. What a gal!

 

nina excited

I LOVE climbing things!

 

As it turns out, this super special date Woody definitely planned himself is a Harbour Bridge Climb. You know the thing that 150 tourists do every day? Yeah that. Nina tells him he is “craaaaazy!” People in glass houses, babe…

While they climb the steps of the bridge, Woody admits that apart from women who might make him feel bad about stuff, he is also terrified of heights. It is v v romantic.

Thank GAWD Osher is at the top to try and inject some form of excitement into this date. No big deal guys, he’s just been waiting up here all morning. #commitment.

With his glorious weave flapping in the smog-filled breeze, Osher explains that they are going to break a world record: The longest televised kiss on top of the Harbour Bridge! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT DONE FOR PUBLICITY! THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER!

They waste no time getting right down to business.

Guys, I really don’t know what my brain was doing, but I honestly didn’t think they would literally show the entire 4 minutes of sucking face. How wrong I was. You could see the shame in Osher’s eyes as he commentated the whole thing (as in, he shouted numbers at them).

I salute you, Sir Gunsberg.

All I could think about for that 4 minutes was whether or not they’d brushed their teeth.

 

britney

 

Meanwhile, back in the Formal Dining Room, Bitch Face Emily is talking with…someone about the possibility of Woody sucking face with Nina. While we are shown Woody sucking face with Nina. Romance.

are they kissing

They are definitely not kissing.

After the longest 4 minutes of my life is over, the two of them go back to a random Harbour-side apartment to sit amongst red and white cushions and talk about feelings. Nina gets a rose. And hopefully some Vaseline for that mean pash rash she must have now. Yowzers.

Nina returns home and tells everyone about her record-breaking date.

Not So Cool Girl Heather’s face is EVERYTHING.

 

heather unsure

I’m cool with this…

heather shock

I will cut a bitch.

GROUP DATE!

Guys, it was only a matter of time before competitive sports were introduced. And this season it appears to be Bubble Soccer i.e. a game where bitches wear short shorts and try and look dignified while running around in an inflatable bubble. I mean, it is definitely the way I plan to bag my future husband.

Craylor Swift is off chops about it. I legit fear for her vocal chords.

Woody referees this complete dedication to gender equality and my boobs hurt just watching it.

Back at the mansion, the other bitches are sitting around baking. For realz. Proving once again that if you aren’t playing competitive sports in your underwear, you must be baking things. #feminism.

soccer teams

Something about Wood and balls.

The green team win and for their efforts are gifted with a Mexican fiesta with Woody aboard a boat. Because water.

Sandra’s extreme commitment to the game and ability to scream things gets her some alone time with Bachie and you just KNOW this is the end. I mean, it’s no secret that the producers have kept her around because she makes better television than a drunk Karl Stefanovic, but I am suddenly feeling really sad. The whole exchange between her and Woody went something like this:

W: You’re really competitive.

S: OMG YESSS!! HAHAHA I LOVE SPORTS AND BALLS!

W: Yeah, we…

S: I MEAN IT WAS SO MUCH FUN I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU *inaudible laughing/screaming*

W: Do you li…

S: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT ENCHILADA? I LOVE PINATAS!! HAHAHA OMG THIS IS THE BEST! *inaudible laughing/screaming*

Bye bye Sandra. I miss you already.

The other bitches sit out on deck eating Mexican food and looking generally pissed off. I mean, take away the whole “boat” thing and you’ve got any other Friday night.

Later on at the Rose Ceremony, Sandra tells us that her chat with Woody went roily roily well and she expects a rose tonight. Baaaaaabe…..

Bitch Face Emily is in premium hater mode and hates on everyone along with her side-kick, Fire Hazard. BFE makes it clear she will not be approaching Sam any time soon and will continue to sit in her Sour Puss Tower and await his invitation to a day spa.

Woody is clearly psychic and not being told who to talk to by the assistant director because, funnily enough, he appears out of nowhere and asks BFE to accompany him outside.

Bachie admits that he is a little intimidated by Emily because she seems like a tough one to crack. (Lol, “crack”). Gosh, I don’t know WHERE he would get that from considering Emily is only about the smiles.

emily

I’m so happy for you.

She goes back to the Formal Lounge Room and not-so-subtly tells Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather that Woody isn’t interested in a friend and only wants fireworks.  Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather tries to play it cool but fails miserably and leaves the room to go hang with her cool, awkward crowd.

the A group

L-R: Jasmin, Emily and some other bitch

 

Before things get even more high school, it’s finally Rose Ceremony time.

I don’t reeeeeally need to recap this part because we ALL know who’s going home. The producers even try and trick us by placing some random girl called Rachel(?) next to Sandra before Woody hands out the final rose. You’re not fooling anyone, Channel 10.

Yep, it’s curtains for Craylor Swift. I’m devastated. I don’t care what anyone says… I loved her.

You go and scream/laugh at all the little children, Craylor! We will miss you.

 

miley climb

Godspeed, Sandra.

xx

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Bitches Do Democracy

6 Aug

Parliament is now in session!

 

Before I delve into my educated and impassioned spiel, I do need to share something; I dropped the ball this week. I didn’t organise my calendar very well and so actually missed last night’s episode as I was at work. So I am sitting watching the replay on my computer as we speak. For some cursed reason, there always seems to be a week early on in the season where I become completely incommunicado and unable to fulfil my Bachie duties. I promise to go back to having no life next week and do better.

 

OKAY.

 

It’s morning time. The sun rises. Woody comes to the deck. He’s wearing his best Rebel Sports get-up. Woody is really sporty, guys. He owns a fitness company. He can’t possibly start a day of wining and dining bitches without a smart workout.

He tells us that he is 34 and time is of the essence. He really needs a woman he can fall “head ova hoils” for. True story.

Back at the Lincraft Manor, the bitches are, surprisingly, not hanging about the Mess Hall, but rather, have been moved into the much classier-looking Formal Day Room. There are lots of white couches and candles. It could be Osher’s dressing room; hard to say.

Speaking of that glorious weave, Oshy himself steps in the tell the ladies that he has no date card as he and Sam have realised their true feelings for one another and flown to Zimbabwe to adopt one of Brangelina’s children. Bitches look mad.

Jokes.

In actual fact, Osher is here to tell the women that, this week, THEY get to decide who goes on a date with Woody. Because DEMOCRACY!

Jacinda is all for it; she is legit excited that she gets a say in who goes on a date with a dude no one really knows very well.

Tall Bitch #3 isn’t as enthusiastic. She admits she needs the Bachelor to choose HER, not the other way round. Unfortunately, she has yet to realise that bad #draping skills get you nowhere on this show so this might be her only chance.

Cool Girl Heather is definitely not Cool with it either. Her reaction is very Not-Cool. Her Cool Façade is crumbling.

Some girl called Nina says something about choosing things.

Osher explains that they will vote anonymously. And before he has even finished that sentence, he quickly reminds the bitches that they cannot vote for themselves. They look genuinely disappointed.

Parma heads outside to place her vote in Bachie Survivor. She reasons that it’s all about karma. Parma and karma rhyme. It’s funny. I forget what else she says because I started thinking about chicken.

 

tribal council

#equality

 

Back at Tribal Council, Osher breaks the news that two of the bitches have come in at a tie. The even better news is that those two women are Tall Bitch #3 (whose name is Madeleine FYI) and……my bestie, Craylor Swift aka Sandra! Things are LOOKING UP!

Except the rest of the bitches disagree with me and all re-vote for Tall Bitch #3. The worst. Apparently because she’s quiet. Logic.

YAY! EQUALITY!

(Guys, that Ebru woman pops up again. Is she the make-up artist?)

 

ebru

Do you work here?

 

While Woody waits for his Democracy Date down at some dingy boat shed, we find out that Tall Bitch #3 is from rural Victoria. And, shut the front door, she bakes cupcakes, guys! She has serious #wifeskills. She also said earlier that she needs her man to choose her. Something tells me she was made for this show.

Woody gets her onto a little boat and things get v v Notebook-like when it starts to rain, but with a generous dash of awkward as Madeleine panics that her hair is getting wet. Bitch, you didn’t see Rachel McAdams carry on like a pork chop, did you? To her credit, she does what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation; she sucks down the champagne like a puppy at a teat.

God I love day-drinking.

 

notebook rain 2

How dare you make me nature!

 

But things take a turn for the worse when we, and Woody, realise that Madeleine is super dooper annoying and vain. After complaining about her wet hair (look, I’ll forgive that one. If my hair gets wet I end up resembling a mangy poodle), she then goes on to whinge about her ruined makeup AND turns down a free picnic feed because she doesn’t want to get strawberry seeds in her teeth! For realz, she is the worst dater ever. Bitch needs to put a lid on it.

Woody is not impressed. He puts it down to their age gap. Come on, mate, she’s 26. She should be able to adult by now.

 

madeleine

I am so good at this.

 

Meanwhile, Bec (I think that’s her name – she’s kind of like Chantal from last year? Chantal the Sequel) bounds into the Rotunda with a gold envelope. Holy sheet, its… ANOTHER SINGLE DATE! What is this MADNESS?!

The bitches are saaaaaaaah pissed.

After they get their illogical arguments out of their systems, they do a smart brainstorm session over what the date might be. Considering the card said, “rise and shine”, Joni surmises that maybe they’ll be sleeping over somewhere so that they can wake up together.

Someone needs to catch Joni up with Bachie lingo. There is no sexy-time until Dates with No Time Limits. Although that didn’t really happen last year, did it? (Not looking at anyone, Channel 10!)

And the winner is… Parmigiana!

She seems a little worried as she hasn’t been on a date in ages. Because she has a kid. Which I totally forgot about. Kiev I think her name was?

Anyway, based on her previous experience, the best advice I can give Parma at this point is – use protection? Seems appropriate.

The producers get Woody and Parma up at the butt-crack of dawn to go hot air ballooning. I think they borrowed it off Bron Bishop. She’s such a giver.

Cue much triumphant soaring music and more day drinking. Weee!

 

bronwyn

Please. I have heaps of flying machines.

 

Once back on solid ground, the two continue their day drinking crawl with a trip to a vineyard. Something something grapes, something something beautiful, something something picnic.

 

THEY PASH! WOOO!

Well done, Parmigiana. You get a rose.

 

snezana

Pashing!

 

 

Cocktail Party.

It’s a theme tonight – the Roaring Twenties. Any excuse to wear sparkles and get the boobs out, amirite?

The bitches are like cooped up chickens waiting to peck someone’s eye out after no group date this week. Their formal gowns and glittery headwear do little to mask the desperation.

Woody asks Cool Girl Heather for a moment alone and the rest of the bitches crack the sads. I get the distinct impression they are not on the Cool Girl Train.

Woody admits his White (Sex) Rose plan has kind of back-fired on him, as he’s been waiting for her to “call him”. I mean, you’d think this was real life and he’d given a girl an ounce of power. Poor pet. I like Sam, but I think this show is starting to mess with his understanding of life.

 

heather uncool

I’m still cool, right?

 

In her post-alone-time-interview, Cool Girl admits she’s getting a case of “the girlies” and is once again proving to me that she is not so Cool at all. Very Uncool, Cool Girl.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah also gets a moment with Woody, which is promptly interrupted by Craylor Swift, who is super anxious for Bachie Face Time. She waits behind a corner, like a patient Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and springs herself onto her victims.

At first it seems BBS is copping it on the chin and is about to Exit Stage Left gracefully, but hold the phone, no, she’s going to stick it out on the Couch of Awkward between her potential Logies date and his other girlfriend. Awkward levels reach critical. Craylor doesn’t seem too phased. She is heaven on a biscuit.

 

sandra interrupts

Stay calm…look normal…

 

Rose Ceremony!

Lucky for them, Parmigiana’s boobs already have a rose, so they are safe. (And out!)

Tall Bitch #3 didn’t get a rose on her individual date because her hair got messy, so she is a little bit worried.

Craylor is stressing that maybe Woody doesn’t like girls he is dating to interrupt his conversations with other girls he is dating.

Emily is worried her dress doesn’t have enough cut-outs.

Anal Glands….says something about anal glands.

……………………………….

 

Poor Tall Bitch#3. It seems her messy hair, #draping skills and refusal to eat strawberries have sealed her fate. Woody takes her outside to say a proper goodbye and hopefully school her a little bit on how to adult.

 

At least she’s still got her cupcakes and Victorian values, I guess.

 

Join me tomorrow, when Cool But Not-Cool Girl finally executes her super cool date and says lots of things like “rad” and “dude”.

 

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: Nobody Puts Bitches in a Corner

30 Jul

I’ve…had…the time of my life.

No I never felt this way before…

About a guy I met yesterday.

 

baby lift

This definitely did not happen.

 

Oh the fun just hasn’t stopped in the House that Spotlight Built!

Since yesterday, there has been more sunrises, much seagulls and many water.

Bitches are sitting around the mess hall in their casual Seed daywear. (Hot tip: beige is back, apparently.) Osher and his extra 10 kilos stride in after a gruelling morning of muffins and coffee.

Hold everything!

He’s got a date card, girls. I mean, WHAT are the chances?! All the bitches try and look casual and devil-may-care and they all suck at it.

Dr Anal Glands is worried about not getting private time with Woody because she’s still, “got a lot more to offer than just anal gland chat.” Mm, don’t bet on it, babe.

Jasmin i.e. Fire Hazard, thinks it is v v unfair that one girl gets to spend time with their communal boyfriend. I don’t know where she’s getting this logic from, but I’m worried those fumes from her burning tutu got to her head.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah gets date #1, suckers!

And… SURPRISE! It’s on a boat! Now that’s revolutionary!

Woody is super excited to take Sarah out on the “wawtaaa” and spend time keeling and leaning and other nautical things.

They get cosy with a smart bottle of Yellow and a randomly placed beanbag and BBS begins to recall her infamous “dream” to Sam about how she went on The Bachelor.

You know, I had a dream too…that this date was way more interesting. Snore…

She returns from Dream But Real Date to many many questions from the gang who have been sitting around staring at each other and wondering whether they should’ve just stuck to Tinder. They have ALL the questions:

“Did you see his body?”

“Did you hold his anal gland, I mean, HAND?!” **

 

boat grab

Quick! Hold onto something sturdy…

 

GROUP DATE!

This is the sole reason Episode 2 is always better than Episode 1. Group dates.

Bachie takes 10 of his 19 bitches to a photo shoot in another random mansion somewhere. A lady not competing for a man’s attention is there. I wonder who she is? She looks very out of place. Oh right, she’s the editor of New Idea. Or Woman’s Day… something. She explains all of the bitches are going to do a photo shoot with Woody based on famous movies and the pictures will be published in her magazine.

Errybody loves a bit of cross promotion, amirite?

Sandra is told she will be partaking in a remake of ‘Dirty Dancing’ and the way she completely overreacts makes me wonder if she was kept down a grade or two in primary school.

Unfortunately for Normal Resheal, she is also going to be involved in this shoot. The producers are being A-grade dicks to her to get her to unleash some crazy. Come on guys, at least she showed up in her zany butterfly headband she got from Diva DFO! (No but seriously, never wear that again…)

Parmigiana and Tall Bitch #3 are Bond girls. Tall Bitch #3 looks like a baby giraffe on a tiled floor. She cannot comfortably pose to save her life. The photographer tries to make her feel better by asking her to “drape” over the hood of a car. She doesn’t know what drape means. Girl’s #drapegame needs work.

 

madeleine

Can’t #drape

 

Cool Girl Heather is put in the ‘Great Gatsby’ group. The other two bitches are mad because Cool Girl stands next to Woody, how very dare she, and gets to #drape over his shoulder which is totally unfair because they should be sharing him and his shoulder. Cool Girl makes more dorky jokes.

Back on the dirty dancefloor, Fire Hazard is dressed as Baby, while Sandra, Resheal and Sexy Lumberjack dance around Woody like it’s Friday night at Revolver. Jasmin/Fire Hazard looks pissed because she can’t slut drop but instead has to hold a stupid watermelon. Nobody puts Jasmin in a corner! If you did, she’d probably burn her dress on a candle.

 

dancing

This definitely did happen.

 

Skinny Emily has been gifted with possibly the most thinly-veiled case of favouritism. She gets to hang with Woody in nothing but her underwear and a shirt. Because ‘Ghost’.

Look guys, I don’t usually buy into all this, but HOTDAMN that is some sexy clay! The other bitches look like they want to punch her in the anal gland.

After the photo shoot, the bitches all take a cold shower and get ready for the cocktail party.

Someone figures out that there is serious tension and anxiety over the fact that 19 women are trying to marry the same guy. Cool Girl Heather gets another chance to be cool and dorky. She is basically Emma Stone in ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ but it’s actually starting to irk me. Sorry ladies…

 

emma stone

What she said.

 

Skinny Emily has it in for Heather. She is just Not. A. Fan.

She watches Woody and Cool Girl discuss Mario Kart on the lawn and declares that, “if he’s into Heather, I’m definitely not his type. I like day spas and fancy dinners out.”

Guys, I’m starting to think Emily might be more high maintenance than Osher’s hair.

Jacinda realizes she is on a reality TV dating show and crumbles to pieces; Woody is directed to go into the lounge room  finds Jacinda in tears. He coaches her back out into the bear pit like any good P.E. teacher and a hesitant 8 year-old.

Rose Ceremony!

Osher drops the bombshell that three bitches will be sent packing tonight. THREE! Gawd, this is turning into a bloodbath!

Jacinda worries she has ruined her chances by crying. I mean, the nerve of her to show emotion; this could mean trouble. Luckily, Woody is okay with tears and she gets the first rose. What a sweetheart!

Someone called Ebru gets a rose?!

Cool Girl gets a rose… obviously.

 

cool heather

I got this.

Everyone else gets a rose until there are four left: Tessa, Normal Resheal, Tall Bitch #3 and…..another girl. They all try and stay calm.

………………….

Tall Bitch #3 gets the last rose. Seems Woody is okay with sub-par draping skills.

I feel bad for Normal Resheal. She was just too normal in the end.

Tessa is disappointed too. She explains that she has many more layers to her that Woody never got to see. Mostly made of flannel.

Sexy Lumberjack out.

See you next week, friends.

x

** Please welcome my new writing partner. He will remain unnamed, but he is very funny and will have snide input into this blog from time to time. The hand joke was his.

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The Bachelor Season 3 Premiere: Into the (Sam) Woods

30 Jul

“Into the woods to Bachie’s house…”

 

Ladies and gentlemen, in the glorious names of dignity and gender equality, we assemble here again.

 

WELCOME BACK!

 

Gawd, I’ve missed you.

 

Sweet Valley High, we have officially begun Season 3 of Australian TV’s crowning glory, ‘The Bachelor’. *fan girl squealing*

I cannot even express to you how much I was aching to get back into this… Channel 10 have been teasing me worse than Missy Higgins and her lesbian following!

But I’ll tell you something for free; it was bloody WORTH IT!

Good gawd have they assembled a solid team this year. For realz, my numerous social media platforms were going off chops! I’ve actually never felt more popular.

But enough about me. Let the proceedings begin!

 

Cut to opening montage of golden sunrises, glistening oceans, fake tan, anal bleaching and dreams. In case you missed it, two other shirtless guys totally pashed on with two other blonde chicks in the last two years but one got proposed to but then he changed his mind and pashed another blonde chick who was good at making pavlova, so we are on to a winner with this show.

Enter Bachie 3.0.

Sam Wood. Tiger Wood. Woody. Woody Wants a Wife. I mean the dude has one of the broadest Aussie accents I have heard since Jamie Rogers in the Sportsbet ads.

woody

Get in line, bitches.

 

He lives in Melbourne (Omigod! What if we run into each other getting our pre-workout soy latte?)* but is actually from Tasmania. He has a kids fitness business called Gecko Sports. And he, “wears his haaart on his sloyive.”

#Straya.

It’s actually fine so far. Despite multiple gaydars pinging around the place, Woody seems like a decent bloke. I mean, I’m pretty certain that most people are just glad he’s not stupid Blake. So I’m more than willing to give him a chance.

Osher’s back. He’s had the full salon treatment. I’m guessing the Miracle Oil Deep Conditioning? But guys, just hang on….don’t get mad…but…has Oshy….*GASP* put on weight?

Not that that’s a bad thing. I think he kind of overdid it on the paleo and bikram yoga last year, so he is looking muuuuuch healthier  for this season. Hooray!

 

slutty-osher

Never forget.

Now that Osher’s had some carbs, let’s meet the bitches!!

 

Bitch #1 – Naj…Zhaja…Snijannn…. First Girl

Twitter was pretty sure she said “Vagina” but in the interest of keeping things clean, I’m gonna go with Parmigiana. Cos that’s what she called herself. Parma is hot and ethnic. I like her.

Bitch #2 – Busy Business Lady – Sarah

Sarah is very busy being a businesswoman because she walks briskly down the streets of Melbourne wearing glasses and stops on bridges to ponder why she allowed her need to be a businesswoman stop her from entering a contest to fight over a dude she barely knows.

Bitch #3 – Anal Glands – Laura(?)

No, she’s not a drag queen. She’s a vet. And she’s English. And so she has an accent. Which she felt the need to tell Woody straight away. As in, “Did you notice my accent?” No, bitch. I’ve said two words to you, just hold up! But could you please tell me more about anal glands?

And that is Exactly. What. She. Did. #DrAnalGlands for the win.

We are barely five bitches in and already I am so happy with my life choices.

 

sam yuck

This really happened.

 

We meet out of work actor personal assistant, Jacinda; cool, “real girl” Heather; a collection of boring, semi-normal women and then my new reason for living – Sandra.

Just imagine if Laurina’s dad had an affair with Maria Venuti and their illicit union spawned a child. A girl with a big rack and a penchant for high ponytails and yelling things really loudly. Well, that would be Sandra.

Guys, it is taking a lot of self-restraint to continue writing about the rest of the show and not just dedicate this whole blog to why Sandra is the best thing to happen to television since the Edelsten wedding. (Which one? Doesn’t matter.)

Sandra tells us that she’s funny and crazy and that a lot of women find her intimidating. So…… she’s annoying as f*#k. She is super dooper excited because her name starts with THE SAME LETTER AS BACHIE! Ohmagaad guys, this could be true love!

 

sandra

Practically twins.

 

Cocktail Party!

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, THE WHITE/SEX ROSE IS BACK!

This year they are trying to tell us that it gives the woman the chance to take Woody out on a date of her choice. As in, a woman is getting an iota of power on this show, this is BIG! I still don’t buy it. It will always be the Sex Rose in my mind.

The bitches are primed and ready for Woody to steal them away into the night and give them a chance to dazzle him in 3 minutes or less.

The House that Spotlight Built is in full regalia with fairy lights, faux flowers and candles, candles, candles. One bitch burns her tutu on said candles. First life lesson of the night: Don’t cha-cha near an open flame.

As usual, it is very clear that there is far too much champers and not enough toilets in this ridiculous mansion. Consequently, Sandra is getting white girl wasted at an alarming rate and starts complaining to the general area around her that people seem like bitches. Resheal, the token non-white girl of the season and completely normal-looking, reasons that it’s the first night and that everyone seems nice. She is obviously having a dig at Sandra and Sandra is not having a bar of it. Resheal once again reasons that she doesn’t like to gossip about people she doesn’t know and that maybe Sandra is overreacting.

Second life lesson of the night (according to Sandra): If you don’t gossip, you’re not a woman.

How can you not love this stupid show?!

Cool girl Heather, who is described as an “Aspiring Film Maker”, gets a moment with Woody and wins hearts ALL over Australia. Oh she’s just so COOL and NORMAL because she talks about superheroes and dorky things. WOW! Can I remind you that she also said that there’s just something about waiting for a man to come and “get you” that appeals to her. #feminism.

I assume she’s a poor uni student who goes to RMIT, so I’ll let that one slide.

Busy businesswoman Sarah gets the first rose after making Woody do yoga awkwardly in a tux. These girls are just so CA-RAZAY!

Shit is getting real, guys. There are only….. ummm….. actually I don’t know how many roses are left. But there’s a lot.

Some chick called Tess panics and decides she needs to bring in the big guns. She talks over her plan to approach Bachie with Cool Girl Heather. She looks v serious. Heather counsels her like she is contemplating donating an organ. Tess realises that she needs to “stand out”. Omigod guys, WHAT is she going to DO?!

 

 

Get changed.

That’s the short answer.

Tess goes and takes off her GASP dress and pulls on a smart pair of Timberlands and a singlet top. She is a sexy lumberjack apparently.

 

lumberjack

Goals.

With her new-found lumberjack confidence, Tess strides off to get chopping Sam’s Wood, ifyouknowwhadImean?

Meanwhile, Sandra has now reached critical level drunk and has decided to have it out with that normal bitch, Resheal. In front of everyone. Because that is what a good choice looks like. She gathers the other bitches up and declares that Resheal is just the worst for insinuating that she is a trouble-maker, refuses to speak with Resheal privately but reassures everyone that she forgives her. Resheal tries to explain her normal side of the story, but Drunk Sandra is not okay with this and some random mad girl tells Sandra to shut up and let Resheal speak.

It’s heaven.

It is at this point I remember that Sandra is a primary school teacher. Like, with kids. Tbh, I’m pretty glad she’s not my kids’ teacher but also I wish I had kids so she could be. Can you IMAGINE a parent/teacher interview with her?!

To give Sandra some credit, we have AAAALLLLL been that girl at a party. Don’t pretend you haven’t had too much spumante and danced on a table somewhere, screaming at everyone for hating on you. No? Just me? Moving on….

But hold the phone!

Woody looks thoughtful. He’s thinking about stuff. He’s going back into the house. What what WHAT is happening?!

He gets the White/Sex Rose! He’s going to give it to someone. I can’t deal. I bet it’s that skinny girl in the white dress I already forgot about. No, no wait…

It’s Cool Girl Heather! YAY!!

Collective cheers are heard around Australia. Cool Girl says any date she controls is going to be EPIC. I bet she takes him to some hipster garden party where jaffles fall from the sky and then on to a foreign movie screening.

Osh returns and tells everyone the first Rose Ceremony is about to commence. EEEEEEE!

The producers have reinstated the Batman Begins soundtrack and so everything is v v dramatic. Many bitches whose names I forget receive a rose. Even Anal Glands gets one.

We are left with Sandra, Random Mad Girl and a somewhat scary-looking chick called Zilda. Sandra contemplates the possibility that she might not get a rose. And we are gifted our third life lesson of the night: Maybe some guys just don’t like the full package.

If Sandra doesn’t get a rose I will cry. Loudly.

 

HA! As IF she wasn’t going to get one! The producers of this show are smarter than I give them credit for; Drunk Sandra is the reason this show exists! She mercifully gets the very last rose, which means we are left with two losers who are undeserving of love.

 

rejects

Bye Random Mad Girl. 😦

And that, my friends, is that. Episode One in what promises to be an epic season of Bachie goodness. I have not stopped talking about it all morning. My brain hurts I’m that excited.

Until tomorrow….

Anal glands.

xx

*This is probably never going to happen because I don’t work out.

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