The Bachelor Season 3: It’s a Ho-Down!

20 Aug

Heel toe, heel toe, promenade and do-si-do your partner!

#straya.

 

Guys, I don’t know about you, but gosh I learnt a whole new set of husband-catching skills tonight. This really is the show that keeps on giving.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #1 – Get excited!

As in, you must be excited about ALL OF THE THINGS ALL OF THE TIME!

We cut straight to the Mansion that Spotlight Built, bypassing all potential water-related work outs or poignant mathematics by Woody. Osher breezes in while the bitches pretend to miss Jacinda and presents Bitch Face Emily with the single date card.

Girlfriend cracks a rare smile then goes back to her peppermint tea like she couldn’t give a f*ck.

 

cinderella gif

 

The other bitches are super outraged and offended that she didn’t jump up and down and whip her panties out the window.

Obviously she is no good. When you compete for a boyfriend on national TV you MUST ensure that you display maximum excitement levels whenever you get to spend time with potential boyfriend.

Hopefully I get to use this skill soon by clapping and squealing joyously the next time a man speaks to me in person. I think I’d be good at it.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #2 – Be good at digging.

Emily’s date card says something about “treasure the time we spend together” or words equally as naff. That Rachel person surmises that maybe it’s a treasure hunt? Lolzz Rach, good one you old joker, you… oh no, wait….yeah…. they are LITERALLY going on a treasure hunt. (Guys, when the bitches start correctly reading between the lines of your date cards, it’s time to hire new writers.)

Woody explains that his relationship with Bitch Face is purely physical which is code for ‘non-existant’ since they do not know each other at all. But he finds her hot and would like to bone her. #sex.

And for that she is rewarded with a treasure hunt that is over in 3 minutes. I mean, the first clue was “hidden” on her paddle board. Nice work, Channel 10 intern.

They reach the final clue on the beach and then Woody makes her dig for his love. They literally dig a funking treasure box out of the funking sand.

Zamels must have their new catalogue out because it’s a lovely non-diamond bracelet that Woody totally bought himself and has nothing to do with sponsorship. Bitch Face looks happy about it.

 

treasure island

I LOVE Zamels!

 

So if you see me around in the next few weeks, my nails will no longer be manicured in case any potential husband requires me to dig some sort of mystery item out of the earth.

And in case you were wondering, this whole date was a snore fest. Even Emily was having trouble staying awake. But she gets a rose. NEXT!

 

Husband-Catching Skill #3 – Drive a Nissan

Yeah, that pretty much says it all.

#sponsorship.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #4 – Grab things with your mouth.

The group date this week is to a farm/deserted outback town somewhere in rural NSW. Because Woody totally organised this whole shebang, he has Osher come and stand next to him and explain all the details to the enraptured bitches while he stands there and thinks about the outdoor dunny he used to have as a kid.

Jasmin’s jaw is already not impressed by her surrounds, but has tried to be a good sport about this whole outdoor/nature thing and worn her best leopard-print scarf.

Firstly, the logical thing to do when on a farm with your communal boyfriend is bob for apples. Actually, make that participate in an apple bobbing competition with 7 other women while your communal boyfriend referees that is good clean fun and has absolutely nothing to do with blow job technique. GO FEMINISM!

The ladies soon discover that boobs present a serious obstacle to getting ones head into the bucket so, just to reaffirm their status as strong, independent women, they start an unofficial wet t-shirt competition.

 

bobbing

This is not sexual at all.

 

Heather is pronounced the most skilled at grabbing things with her mouth; a title she seems v v proud of. Because they’re in the country, her reward is five uninterrupted Woody minutes making lemonade! YEAH! THE COUNTRY!

At this point, my friend, who legit grew up in the country, remarked:

You wanna know how many times I made lemonade? Zero times. If they really wanted an authentic country experience, where’s the date where they pluck and gut a chicken?!

Now THAT I would like to see.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #5 – Catch farm animals and like it.

Because they are in the country, obvi there are going to be animals involved. Jasmin’s jaw makes it very clear that farms and animals and just generally being in nature is not her bag, and so, obviously, the producers decide that she should have to catch a sheep.  She is super dooper not excited about it, so it is pretty obvious already who’ll be getting the boot tonight.

(Her other comment about hating the idea of milking a cow is a clear message that there’ll be no under-the-zipper action at the movies anytime soon, Woody, just FYI.)

Jasmin, you MUST love all farm animals as well as be able to catch them to be a good wife. Don’t you know ANYTHING?!

 

jasmin unimpressed

Can nature.

 

It’s okay; she just manages to herd the damn thing into the paddock and clip off a bit of it’s wool. It’s very final-scene-of-‘Babe’.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #6 – Barn dancing.

I am so pissed I wasted all that money on contemporary and music theatre dance lessons. Turns out barn dancing is where it’s at with the dudes.

Woody takes the bitches to a nearby barn to get jiggy with it a la Jessica Simpson circa 2005.

They do a token do-si-do and heel toe move but then quickly retire to the benches to suck down the beer because they are in the country and that is what you do in the country.

(Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Emily is hitting the champagne and stealing everyone’s shit.)

 

jessica how down

I don’t remember this move from primary school…

Husband-Catching Skill #7 – Break the Girl Code but care about it.

Woody steals Parmigiana away for some alone time and, as usual, the other bitches are annoyed and have clearly forgotten what show they are on. Woody and Parma have a semi-boring conversation until SWEET VALLEY HIGH DID HE JUST TELL HER HE DOESN’T GIVE A RATS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY?!

Yep. That is exactly what he said.

Woody stares at Parmigiana like she is literally a succulent piece of crumbed chicken and he is a newly-evicted Survivor contestant. After she finishes saying something (whatever it was, it was clearly not important) he explains that they have an intense physical “connection” and they don’t need “stupid words”. And he lunges at her.

Poor Bachie. He is just dying to bone this chick. All that talking she does must bring a playa down.

 

snez pash

I care so much about your opinion.

 

Post-Suck-Face, Parma tells us that she felt a bit bad pashing on with Woody on a group date and that she’s clearly broken the Girl Code but maybe she doesn’t really care because she’s on The Bachelor and the whole premise of this show breaks the Girl Code and any other code associated with feminism or women’s rights anyway.

 

 

All this learning of things leads us straight into the Rose Ceremony. I assume the barn dance/beer guzzling session constitutes for the cocktail party this week? Waaahhhh!

Jasmin’s jaw just knows it’s not going to be good news. Her husband-catching skills have been very sub-par this week; she’s feeling quite ashamed of herself. It’s her and Nina for bottom two. Nina seems to be having an out-of-body experience suddenly wondering if that totally natural, World Record-breaking kiss she shared with Bachie while 20 people looked on meant anything.

Turns out it meant enough to Woody to keep her around for another week.

It’s curtains for Super Jaw. She is set free back out into the world to hate on everything else like a regular person.

 

jasmin sad face

Jasmin sad face.

 

Bye bye, Jasmin. Don’t set anything on fire.

 

x

 

 

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