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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: A Typical Aussie Honey Badger

16 Aug

Hoy boy, this season is going to be a cracker.

 

Hello, welcome back, put on your best footy jersey (lol I don’t own one of those) and get comfy.

 

It’s Bachie Season of the Honey Badger kind, and let me just say, this first episode was already more Aussie than Scotty Cam and Alf Stewart selling dollar snags at Bunnings.

 

Would be so proud.

 

Look, I know very little about this Nick Cummins/Honey Badger person and, to be frank, I’m not very willing or interested in researching him much further than the fact that he played football and has a pretty wide vocabulary of cooked expressions.

Oh and I can’t decide if I want to smoosh his weird face or punch it.

I’ll get back to you.

Bachie Badger has allegedly fallen in love twice (according to his Instagram, both times with offensively good looking women) but missed the goal posts thus far. He’s hoping that three times’ the charmer and I guess being the meat in a husband competition sandwich seems like the right way to go. (I’m sorry, I have no idea if that analogy made any sense.)

He’s very very Typical Aussie Bloke because he likes sport and shit and makes super ocker jokes all the time and calls women sheilas. Put him in an old Penguin shirt and some stubbies, and he could be any Queenslander’s drunk uncle.

 

Yeah! Sport!

 

Anyway, we don’t care about him we only care about the poor women who have been sitting in a limo full of cheap champagne for the last 5 hours.

 

Here are my favourites/ones to watch:

Shannon: First horse outta the stocks (is that how that goes?) Definitely wifey material because they did a whole big background thing on her and she rides a skateboard. SO COOL! She also laughs a lot and opens her mouth real wide so I feel like there might be some good groper fish-style jokes in the works for me. She’s a “Car Care Specialist” which I guess means she works at Repco??

Brooke: Also a definite wifey and because Channel 10 wanna make it super clear they don’t ONLY cast skinny white women, she makes a big point about being Indigenous. I’m here for her. Except when she carries not one, but two footballs out of the limo with her and then actually says to the camera that she’s really relieved Bachie, “likes sports” because that’s definitely not a thing that 90% of straight men like. They are obviously soulmates.

Carla: Energy Healer. Here for the entertainment value as opposed to the romance because her theme music was not dissimilar to when Lisa Simpson played the jug. Gives Bachie Badger a 2kg rose quartz crystal that has the blood of her enemies good energy in it. She is straight up loopy and I obviously love her. (Side note: apparently there is another Carla but this is the only one I care about).

Dark Haired Travel Lady: Legit have forgotten her name but she has dark hair and is super dooper travel. So much so, that Bachie proclaims it has made her suuuuuch a mature and interesting person after only meeting her for 60 seconds. They were also born in the same town around the same time so they might be related idk?

Cass: DER-RAMA! Cass has “history” with this Typical Aussie Bloke and freaks the funk out when she sees him. The Producers ask her if she’s okay and whether there was any romantic interaction in the past but she stays pretty coy about the whole thing. When she finally fronts up to Bachie Badger, he laughs awkwardly and yells, “Hello hello!” which means they definitely boned. Cass is only 23 and has terrible hair extensions and absolutely zero chill.

 

My horoscope in New Idea said this was going to happen.

 

Dasha: She’s Russian and good looking and I don’t know what else to really say about her except vodka, which she drinks at the cocktail party and because I use cheap jokes.

Cat: Cat is from Bali and actually lives in Bali you know where Bali is right? Yeah she’s from Bali. She’s sarcastic AF and will definitely be pinned as a villain.

Vanessa Sunshine: OK WAIT EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This woman introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine but…is her name hyphenated like Vanessa-Sunshine or is Sunshine her last name and she just really likes saying the whole thing? WHAT IS GOING ON WE MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!! I actually couldn’t concentrate because my brain was working harder than it has in weeks and I still don’t know how her name works but I can tell you she is definitely a villain and wouldn’t tell Bachie Badger where she was from because she wanted to remain mysterious. They must keep her.

 

IS IT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Okay guys, I’m not gonna waste your time here and bore you with the details because everyone gets drunk and needy as expected. All I need to say is that THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK THE SEX ROSE EXCEPT THIS TIME IT IS A SEX KEY I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

The sex key works the same as when your boyfriend dumps you but you secretly keep a spare key to his front door, meaning you can just roll up any funking time you feel like it. I mean, that’s what I imagine it’s the same as.

It’s a super cute little gold key with a heart on top but this is all a facade for the fact it is a straight up ticket to Bone Town.

Cass is obviously despo for the key and her eyes follow Bachie Badger around all night like the Mona Lisa except creepier because she can talk. And talk she does. About how she wrote Bachie’s name (is it Nick? I’ve forgotten) in her Total Girl diary before coming on this show and here he is it’s like a miracle! Obviously she has no qualms in explaining all of this to him and someone please swoop in and save the poor girl before she completely loses her damn mind.

Mystic Meg’s gonna pay for this.

 

But, you know, Bachie is a Typical Aussie Bloke so he doesn’t tell her he’s creeped out to her face, he just laughs awkwardly and does quick mental maths about how long before he can ghost her.

Oh, there’s also some der-rama about some girl called Sophie dating Cat’s ex-boyfriend because they’re both from Brisbane and I am also from Brisbane so I don’t like what is being insinuated here. Anyway, it’s not that exciting and is 100% fabricated by the production team; good attempt, guys.

One woman who I have never seen decides to be CRAAAAAYZAY and jumps into the pool but unfortunately, Bachie Badger is too busy sticking his snout in someone else’s dirt to notice, so she just kind of wallows about in the shallow end until the hair and make up lady gets mad and yanks her out.

Brooke gets the first rose AND THE SEX KEY because she is super into football and can pull off a one-shouldered cape like some sort of feminist Batman.

 

I am a football-loving woman. The city of Gotham needs me!

 

ROSE CEREMONY

You guys are bloody experts at this by now, so you don’t need me to tell you that all the nutcases and villains stay (yayyy!) and three women who got absolutely zero air time leave.

The last one to get a rose is Vanessa Sunshine so she is obviously getting paid back for trying to by mysterious because Typical Aussie Blokes don’t like that shit, mate.

 

And that’s about it, my friends! I’m not 100% sold on this Honey Badger person but I am looking forward to the challenge of coming up with terrible outback-inspired puns every week, so… there’s that.

Let’s hope this season goes off like a raw prawn!

 

The “Sunshine” is silent. 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: The Colour Bored

4 Sep

Wow.

I never thought I would say this, but I am legitimately running out of bitchy, sarcastic things to say.

But it is definitely not my fault.

NOTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW!

A part of me didn’t even want to write this post in protest for the complete lack of drama and effort on everybody’s behalf.

I thought we were off to a good start with Woody in his Rebel Sport getup, taking a leisurely early morning kayak to think about roses and feelings. Usually this means serious der-rama is going to go down.

 

sam kayak

I really hope something interesting happens today.

 

Meanwhile at the House that Spotlight Built: Something something Sam, something something, connections, something something GROUP DATE!

But first, let us get into our Nissans and show you all the amazing features it has for a Nissan while we drive to our date in a Nissan for five minutes.

Guys.

They are legit filling time by showing bitches in Nissans.

 

grumpy cat

No.

 

Rachel says that “competing against other women for a man goes against every bone in my body.” At least it’s good to know she went to the same School of Logic as the rest of the bitches.

They’re at a warehouse. They talk about culture. Oh, sorry, I mean “kulcha”. Woody loves him some kulcha.

This week the bitches have to prove they are wife material by channeling their desire to bone Sam into art work. Sam pretends to be surprised that he has to topless model for them.

Off comes the kit and the bitches cannot even stem their flows.

 

mr bean

Kulcha!

 

Blah blah blah muscles, blah blah abs.

All of them are pretty shit at art and kulcha, except Parmigiana who once drew an Aphrodite mural on her bedroom wall as a teenager. Because Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love. This show is about love. Woody is looking for love. Are you picking up on this this deep yet subtle connection?

 

clay sculpture

More kulcha.

 

Post-artwork drinks turn into an everyday booze fest and Rachel says Sam needs to “sell himself” to her because this is her life as well as his.

Somebody GOTTA tell her that Tinder exists.

As if he has magically read her mind and wasn’t placed there by the assistant producer, Woody appears and they have one of the most terrible conversations I have ever witnessed. Rachel has the people skills of a hard-boiled egg and Woody just does his best to stop his man parts shrivelling up into his body.

As a prize for her amazing kulcha skills, Parmigiana and Woody go upstairs to Randomly Placed Ikea Living Room Display. Talk talk talk about Melbourne and Perth. Sam asks if she’d be willing to move cos, you know, there aren’t any children in WA for his business to thrive on so obviously it’ll be Parmigiana and Kiev makin all the effort.

Parma doesn’t even give two f*$%s about Perth and has already bought a plane ticket. Problem solved.

SINGLE DATE.

Still banging on those battle drums, Nina will not.let.it.go when it comes to the intruders. This original vs. intruder thing is so fecking boring I want to cut my ears off and mail them to her.

Whatever trevor, bloody Busy Businesswoman Sarah is down for Date #3. She is seriously date-lapping evrryone now.

Woody has only just picked her up at the front door and I’m already bored out of my brain. They are both vanilla.

In the limo, Sarah is gifted with her own pair of “diamond” earrings and I’m all of a sudden really confused as to how a bitch was just handed some Zamel’s jewellery without having to dig for it?!

“Omigod, I’ve never been given diamond earrings before!” Honey, you still haven’t. #budgetcuts.

SURPRISE! Now they’re at a fancy room/restaurant overlooking Sydney Harbour. What a refreshing CHANGE!

I literally do not know where the next ten minutes of my life went.

Nowhere interesting. Oh yeah, Sarah got a rose. Yawn.

 

nicki bored

 

ROSE CEREMONY.

Ummm….. I’m sure something interesting happened here? Maybe something to do with Nina and Rachel hating each other now because… because….um…. OH YEAH! Because Rachel is v v skinny and Nina is a fat slob because she doesn’t eat paleo and is obviously not worthy of Woody love.

Yep. Normally I would shamelessly cheer on any glimmer of drunken, illogical bitchiness, but when it comes to body-shaming for no good reason, you’ve lost me.

Rachel tries again to charm Sam with her skinny good looks and warm wit but fails miserably. All of the Real Housewives combined are better at this than her.

All of this extra screen time for Rachel can only mean one thing: Girlfriend is going home. Which is probably for the best considering how nasty she is, but at the same time, a damn shame due to her being the only one with fragments of a personality.

All Original bitches get roses. Nina is extremely happy about this. It’s down to Rachel and Lana and OBVIOUSLY Lana ain’t goin anywhere because she is sah travel and we all saw Woody lose his knickers over her last episode.

And yep…. she’s gone. No one cares. Including me.

Guys, I really don’t know what’s going on. People keep telling me that it’s mainly to do with the fact that Sam is legit there looking for real love and doesn’t want to lead anybody on.

WELL. If that’s the case, someone at Channel 10 ain’t doing their job properly.

 

Can someone please go and grow a personality? Kthnxbyyyyye.

 

britney bored

 

x

 

The Bachelor Season 3: It’s a Ho-Down!

20 Aug

Heel toe, heel toe, promenade and do-si-do your partner!

#straya.

 

Guys, I don’t know about you, but gosh I learnt a whole new set of husband-catching skills tonight. This really is the show that keeps on giving.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #1 – Get excited!

As in, you must be excited about ALL OF THE THINGS ALL OF THE TIME!

We cut straight to the Mansion that Spotlight Built, bypassing all potential water-related work outs or poignant mathematics by Woody. Osher breezes in while the bitches pretend to miss Jacinda and presents Bitch Face Emily with the single date card.

Girlfriend cracks a rare smile then goes back to her peppermint tea like she couldn’t give a f*ck.

 

cinderella gif

 

The other bitches are super outraged and offended that she didn’t jump up and down and whip her panties out the window.

Obviously she is no good. When you compete for a boyfriend on national TV you MUST ensure that you display maximum excitement levels whenever you get to spend time with potential boyfriend.

Hopefully I get to use this skill soon by clapping and squealing joyously the next time a man speaks to me in person. I think I’d be good at it.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #2 – Be good at digging.

Emily’s date card says something about “treasure the time we spend together” or words equally as naff. That Rachel person surmises that maybe it’s a treasure hunt? Lolzz Rach, good one you old joker, you… oh no, wait….yeah…. they are LITERALLY going on a treasure hunt. (Guys, when the bitches start correctly reading between the lines of your date cards, it’s time to hire new writers.)

Woody explains that his relationship with Bitch Face is purely physical which is code for ‘non-existant’ since they do not know each other at all. But he finds her hot and would like to bone her. #sex.

And for that she is rewarded with a treasure hunt that is over in 3 minutes. I mean, the first clue was “hidden” on her paddle board. Nice work, Channel 10 intern.

They reach the final clue on the beach and then Woody makes her dig for his love. They literally dig a funking treasure box out of the funking sand.

Zamels must have their new catalogue out because it’s a lovely non-diamond bracelet that Woody totally bought himself and has nothing to do with sponsorship. Bitch Face looks happy about it.

 

treasure island

I LOVE Zamels!

 

So if you see me around in the next few weeks, my nails will no longer be manicured in case any potential husband requires me to dig some sort of mystery item out of the earth.

And in case you were wondering, this whole date was a snore fest. Even Emily was having trouble staying awake. But she gets a rose. NEXT!

 

Husband-Catching Skill #3 – Drive a Nissan

Yeah, that pretty much says it all.

#sponsorship.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #4 – Grab things with your mouth.

The group date this week is to a farm/deserted outback town somewhere in rural NSW. Because Woody totally organised this whole shebang, he has Osher come and stand next to him and explain all the details to the enraptured bitches while he stands there and thinks about the outdoor dunny he used to have as a kid.

Jasmin’s jaw is already not impressed by her surrounds, but has tried to be a good sport about this whole outdoor/nature thing and worn her best leopard-print scarf.

Firstly, the logical thing to do when on a farm with your communal boyfriend is bob for apples. Actually, make that participate in an apple bobbing competition with 7 other women while your communal boyfriend referees that is good clean fun and has absolutely nothing to do with blow job technique. GO FEMINISM!

The ladies soon discover that boobs present a serious obstacle to getting ones head into the bucket so, just to reaffirm their status as strong, independent women, they start an unofficial wet t-shirt competition.

 

bobbing

This is not sexual at all.

 

Heather is pronounced the most skilled at grabbing things with her mouth; a title she seems v v proud of. Because they’re in the country, her reward is five uninterrupted Woody minutes making lemonade! YEAH! THE COUNTRY!

At this point, my friend, who legit grew up in the country, remarked:

You wanna know how many times I made lemonade? Zero times. If they really wanted an authentic country experience, where’s the date where they pluck and gut a chicken?!

Now THAT I would like to see.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #5 – Catch farm animals and like it.

Because they are in the country, obvi there are going to be animals involved. Jasmin’s jaw makes it very clear that farms and animals and just generally being in nature is not her bag, and so, obviously, the producers decide that she should have to catch a sheep.  She is super dooper not excited about it, so it is pretty obvious already who’ll be getting the boot tonight.

(Her other comment about hating the idea of milking a cow is a clear message that there’ll be no under-the-zipper action at the movies anytime soon, Woody, just FYI.)

Jasmin, you MUST love all farm animals as well as be able to catch them to be a good wife. Don’t you know ANYTHING?!

 

jasmin unimpressed

Can nature.

 

It’s okay; she just manages to herd the damn thing into the paddock and clip off a bit of it’s wool. It’s very final-scene-of-‘Babe’.

 

Husband-Catching Skill #6 – Barn dancing.

I am so pissed I wasted all that money on contemporary and music theatre dance lessons. Turns out barn dancing is where it’s at with the dudes.

Woody takes the bitches to a nearby barn to get jiggy with it a la Jessica Simpson circa 2005.

They do a token do-si-do and heel toe move but then quickly retire to the benches to suck down the beer because they are in the country and that is what you do in the country.

(Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Emily is hitting the champagne and stealing everyone’s shit.)

 

jessica how down

I don’t remember this move from primary school…

Husband-Catching Skill #7 – Break the Girl Code but care about it.

Woody steals Parmigiana away for some alone time and, as usual, the other bitches are annoyed and have clearly forgotten what show they are on. Woody and Parma have a semi-boring conversation until SWEET VALLEY HIGH DID HE JUST TELL HER HE DOESN’T GIVE A RATS ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY?!

Yep. That is exactly what he said.

Woody stares at Parmigiana like she is literally a succulent piece of crumbed chicken and he is a newly-evicted Survivor contestant. After she finishes saying something (whatever it was, it was clearly not important) he explains that they have an intense physical “connection” and they don’t need “stupid words”. And he lunges at her.

Poor Bachie. He is just dying to bone this chick. All that talking she does must bring a playa down.

 

snez pash

I care so much about your opinion.

 

Post-Suck-Face, Parma tells us that she felt a bit bad pashing on with Woody on a group date and that she’s clearly broken the Girl Code but maybe she doesn’t really care because she’s on The Bachelor and the whole premise of this show breaks the Girl Code and any other code associated with feminism or women’s rights anyway.

 

 

All this learning of things leads us straight into the Rose Ceremony. I assume the barn dance/beer guzzling session constitutes for the cocktail party this week? Waaahhhh!

Jasmin’s jaw just knows it’s not going to be good news. Her husband-catching skills have been very sub-par this week; she’s feeling quite ashamed of herself. It’s her and Nina for bottom two. Nina seems to be having an out-of-body experience suddenly wondering if that totally natural, World Record-breaking kiss she shared with Bachie while 20 people looked on meant anything.

Turns out it meant enough to Woody to keep her around for another week.

It’s curtains for Super Jaw. She is set free back out into the world to hate on everything else like a regular person.

 

jasmin sad face

Jasmin sad face.

 

Bye bye, Jasmin. Don’t set anything on fire.

 

x