The Bachelor Season 3: Omigawd, Intruders!

27 Aug

*Spoiler alert*

This post contains Intruder Bitches. But I’m pretty sure you already picked that up from the barrage of promos and shots of Woody’s surprise face shown throughout the week.

But one thing at a time.

No water-related poignancy, no work outs, no Rose Maths tonight. No Woody at all. We are zooming straight into the Mess Hall at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, where the bitches are clearly sitting around fresh from the last rose ceremony. Heather’s farcical fishtail braid/shetland pony hairdo is a dead give away.

Parmigiana is dressed conveniently in a Star Wars pyjama top. Because she likes Star Wars. Remember, guys? Remember when Woody had that random dessert chef make her that random Pokemon-looking dessert that was meant to look like the Death Star and then delivered it to that random garden that was meant to look like Little Italy? Yep. Continuity.

Osher’s here. He looks serious. He solemnly tells the bitches that Woody is having a super hard time dating all seven of them and coming up with new forms of transport that fit within the budget is stretching his Bachie brain a little thin.

So, obviously, the single date goes to his one-time Bali love, Bec, and, obvi, they are going to take a flippin HELICOPTER!

As Bec waits out on the front lawn for Bachie to pretend to land the thing, she explains how “blown away” she is by this gesture that Woody had nothing to do with.

 

bec wind

Helicopter: You’re doing it wrong.

 

Surprise surprise! They go to an indoor sky diving arena/centre/space station thing. Guys, if you hadn’t already picked up on it, I think the theme for this date is #air.

Now, I dunno about you, but “indoor sky diving” is kind of not a thing. As in, being blown about by a large industrial fan is NOT the same as legit jumping from a tiny plane into the actual sky. But ten points for enthusiasm.

Once in their sexy jumpsuits, the two of them flap about in this “sky diving tank” thing where an instructor holds them by the waist and stops them from face planting. It is super dooper romantic. Because it just wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor without some serious facial flapping and Passion of the Christ action.

 

sky diving

How it’s done, bitchez.

 

After the exertion of their non-sky-diving activities, Bec and Woody retire to an outdoor rotunda somewhere in suburban Sydney to talk about that time they drank a bucket of Sex of The Beach and sucked face in Bali.

Bec talks a LOT about her walls and how she has trust issues, which seems logical considering she’s on a televised dating show. Woody does his best to give a f*ck about her feelings, but eventually is just like….I’m out.

He tells her that it’s just going to take too much work for his wrecking ball to crash through her emotional walls, and really, ain’t nobody got time for that. Wife-hunting is a cutthroat business.

 

And…

 

She goes home.

Does not pass GO, does not collect $200. Woody has already phoned ahead and had them bring her bags, all packed and ready for Loserville.

 

dr who bye

Bachie be like…

 

The date is over quicker than you can say Bintang.

 

Upon return to the mansion, Woody holds a press conference with his six other potential wives and tells them that Bec no longer wanted to put out so he sent her packing. This is v v rude because, obviously, only Osher can hold serious press conferences. He is going to be pissed.

The other bitches pretend to be shocked/sad that one of their competitors has been taken out.

The next morning, Woody decides to show up to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with his sacrificial bananas to cook the bitches breakfast. Yayyyy!

The producers were clearly hoping that more bitches would resemble toe rags fresh out of bed, but alas, they just look like themselves without makeup on. BORING!

Bitch Face Emily has the nerve to not come bounding straight downstairs as soon as Woody arrives and so she is immediately in the bad books, how very dare she. In her defence, she stayed up last night doing her roots. She makes up for it though with a smart breakfast scarf.

On the other hand, Woody is v impressed with Heather’s butt flap.

 

breakfast scarf

Shoulda worn a butt flap.

 

Still sad about having to do a sneaky bye-bye to one of his girlfriends Bachie is going to take another bitch out on a single date to make up for it this week, which again means no group date. Waaah!

Busy Businesswoman Sarah is chosen for her second date and Ebru is suuuuuuuper happy about it.

If you recall, last time Sarah and Woody met up, they cruised around on a yacht, no big deal, sipping Yellow and talking about each other’s eyes.

This time, Sarah is escorted from her lady prison in a water taxi.

I’m guessing her next date will involve a boogie board or some sort of floating dinghy?

Woody takes BBS to his “Bachie Pad” which is apparently just a vine-covered bike shed conveniently on the water front of Sydney Harbour.

 

shed

What the shed is this?!

 

Woody has picked up on the fact that BBS really likes wine, so he thought he might be incredibly romantic and make her wear a blindfold and guess all the different wines he has conveniently not bought for her.

HOLD UP.

Sam, I dunno if you know the female kind, but any self-respecting woman knows her Savvy B’s from her Pinot Noirs. It’s just an in-built skill we are born with.

But I guess now we can add Sommelier to the list of required wife skills, along with bubble soccer and treasure digging.

No surprises here, Sarah guesses erry damn one correctly because she is a business woman and doesn’t have time for dicking about. Her reward is picking the one she liked best to share with her communal boyfriend.

She explains that she picked the Rose hoping Woody might take the hint and give her a rose.

Babe.

The dude doesn’t know what Friend Zoning is. Nor does he actually know what ‘misunderstanding’ means. I doubt this subtle hint is gonna go anywhere. He’s a personal trainer, not a linguist.

The rest of the date is very vanilla. But she gets a rose, blah blah. Her subtle hints worked. We don’t see BBS go home because that bloody helicopter blew out the whole week’s budget, but I’m sure however she left had something to do with a Nissan. Or public transport.

 

Cocktail Party.

In case you didn’t already know, INTRUDERS enter the mansion tonight. Osher comes in and looks concerned; he’s probably going to tell Woody off for trying to steal his job with that whole ‘press conference’ trick he pulled earlier.

They go outside and Woody looks suitably scared, until Oshie tells him that, in fact, he is being gifted with two more lady friends in sparkly dresses. AND HERE THEY ARE!

Intruder #1: Lana

Brown haired, big eyes, likes yoga and golf. They seem to be focusing a lot on her hands… maybe she’s secretly married and the producers are sending us a clue? They talk about golf and Woody wonders whether Lana just might be his ace in the hole, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Intruder #2: Rachel

Blonde-haired, food-blogger….and…that’s all I remember. Except I’m almost positive she is the same bitch from earlier in the season back for another crack at it and “food blogger” is her alias because we all know it really just means unemployed.

 

rachel clone

Tall Bitch #4, is that you??

 

Nina is first to spot them, hence the infamous catch cry OMIGAWD! OMIGAWD, GUYS INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS, OMIGAWD!

The original bitches cannot believe that the producers who made them eat duck chin are seriously bringing in more women for Woody’s Lady Buffet, I mean, what what WHAT is happening? This is so UNEXPECTED!

Despite their initial panic, the original bitches are semi-polite and talk to the two new date crashers like everything’s cool. Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather plays it relatively cool and is just all, “jump right in! Plenty Wood to spare!”

Ebru, on the other hand, is not having a bar of it, and proclaims that, “these women might steal Sam off of us! And they are literally staying in OUR house!”

Poor Ebs clearly does not understand how monogamy or real estate works.

While someone takes Ebru aside and explains the whole concept of this show to her, Woody gets a moment with Bitch Face Emily who is reaching critical Bitch Face levels after the harrowing night they have had.

Their conversation is a bit tense, so to diffuse this problem, Emily goes straight for the question all hot girls love to ask: How do you see me?

DER-RAMA!

Woody basically tells her that she’s, well…a bitch. Bitch Face is shocked at this admission that she might be a bitch, because it is obviously all Nina’s fault that she is being a bitch and that Woody thinks she is bitchy, stupid Nina. Emily is still standing by that “I’m an open book” line, but from what I can see, all the chapters seem to be about Nina.

 

Rose Ceremony!

With all this der-rama flying about, tonight’s ceremony is sure to be action-packed.

Intruder #1 gets a rose.

Heather, Parmigiana and Ebru get roses.

Intruder #2 gets a rose.

Which, surprise surprise, leaves Bitch Face Emily and Hot Rod Nina to fight it out.

However, being left standing next to her most hated person in the entire world is basically the biggest travesty of justice for Emily, and before Woody has a chance to listen into his earpiece for who he needs to keep, she just…walks out.

And he just watches her go, like no big deal.

Honestly, this guy is starting to win points with me. He is sassing chicks left, right and centre. He is the new Kanye West.

 

emily walks out

Yeah, byyyeeee.

 

Meanwhile Nina is left standing there like tits on a bull.

“Umm…. Nina. This rose was ALWAYS meant for you and legit has nothing to do with the fact that one of my girlfriends just walked out on me on national TV.”

All the other bitches rejoice.

Emily has taken her breakfast scarf and supply of Nice’n’Easy and is on her not-so-merry way, still certain that the last rose was clearly meant for her. Hot girl logic.

 

I for one will miss her terribly. If this was Melrose Place, she would be Heather Locklear. And that makes me sad.

 

heather locklear

You’re all boring without me.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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