Tag Archives: Channel 10

The Bachelor Season 6 recap: Dear (Total Girl) Diary…

23 Aug

Hoo boy… I feel as though I’m gonna be using that phrase on the reg this season.

 

First of all, I’m sorry, but there are some woman on this show who are already losing their Cotton On panties over a man they barely know. I mean, why am I so surprised? I’ve written about this bloody show since it’s first season, but there’s just….something about this lap around the track that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

It could just be the facial hair. Idk.

 

Okay so obviously the producers are straight up exploiting Cass’ distorted emotions for ratings and I hate to admit that I am here for it. They throw her a big ol’ bone by way of a single date card hint about “…paths crossing before,” but alas, they are referring to Nick’s possible second cousin Britt-Ann-Y.

Cass looks as crushed as I did the day I accidentally found out Santa Claus was most likely just my mum and dad with different hand-writing. She runs off to journal her feelings in her Total Girl diary.

Meanwhile, Britt-Ann-Y is invited to board Nick’s vessel which I wish was a funny euphemism I made up myself but it’s actually real words he yelled at her. Turns out Britt has got some serious sexy-eye problems and goes about this single date as if Bachie Badger is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, when really he’s explaining how to jam her foot in a hole.

#AussieRomance.

 

Mmm…footgolf…

 

 

Eventually they are in a pool and we get some of my favourite Pool Pashing meaning Britt is the lucky recipient of the First Real Pash (soz Romy). I gotta say, them curls of his in the water are both kind of hot but also remind me of a wet poodle so my lady parts are confused.

Luckily, there is no confusion on Cousin Britt’s side, and there’s some more pashing before she accepts a rose.

 

GROUP DATE

Sometimes I feel like once the lame photo shoot date in episode 2 is done, the producers literally stop giving a f*** about what they get the women to do the rest of the time. Case in point: this date.

It sucks.

Nothing really interesting happens but it seems to be sport based because Bachie Badger is full sport. Sport.

 

I don’t know sport but I’m almost positive this isn’t what it is.

 

Silver lining – Vanessa Sunshine wins the challenge and still doesn’t crack a smile and good God I love her. She’s the Kim Day to Nick’s Kel Knight and everyone in Australia is on board. Except maybe Nick but who gives a f*** what he wants. Probably sport though.

Ironically, during the ad breaks are the updates about the #LibSpill and can we just elect Vanessa Sunshine as new Prime Minister because I have a gut feeling she’d do a bang up job.

 

VS for PM 2018 

 

Meanwhile, Brooke, who still has the Sex Key in case you’d forgotten, is starting to sweat bullets because it’s been a whole 3 days and she hasn’t had a lot of time with Bachie Badger and I don’t wanna be mean about it, but honestly bebe, I was hoping you’d save that Sex Key for a time when he already had a girl in his house and you’d bust open the door ala Jim Carey in The Cable Guy and just make yourself at home slash maybe start a sex fight. (I don’t even know what a sex fight would be but it sounds entertaining.)

Urgh, she panic-uses the damn Sex Key and goes over first thing in the bloody morning for Bacon and Egg McMuffins and football. SNORE.

You’re killing me, Brooke. Although I like that you wore your pajamas because that is definitely a mood but don’t pretend you’re some “Cool Girl” because I can still see your bronzer and eyeshadow. I’m no fool.

They eventually play some sport and then pash because us viewers deserve that at least and we’re sick of watching sport things.

Good bye Sex Key. You were a bigger let-down than Britney’s 2010 Comeback Concert.

 

Good one, BROOKE. 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

FINALLY! Some interesting shit is happening by way of Bintang Cat and her bestie Romy just being meanies to everyone. Does anyone else kind of love the drama but then hate themselves for loving women being bitches? Asking for a friend.

HOLD UP.

Cass has appeared from behind a fake bush and SHE IS HOLDING HER DIARY COULD THIS BE REAL PLEASE OSHER MAKE IT REAL!

She and Nick sit down and already you can see his pupil’s are dilated to the max, ready for the attack. Cass is in full-blown Zero Chill Mode and I am so goddamn ready. She looks sweaty.

THE WOMAN IS READING FROM HER LITERAL DIARY ABOUT HOW SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AT FITNESS FIRST AND SOMETHING ABOUT A PRECIOUS MOMENT IN TIME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

 

Curse Total Girl magazine for giving out free diaries!

 

I definitely do feel like I can see the poor girl’s heart beating through her chest and maybe she’ll just start bleeding idk.

Guys, this is intense. Cass is just staring at him like I would imagine a giant crocodile would stare at you right before it ripped your small intestine out. #straya.

I just feel so sorry for this girl because they obviously boned one time and because she is a mere 23 she has caught the feels and written it all down in her diary and Nick is legit acting like every damn f***boi who sleeps with a girl once and then pretends he barely knows her and I’m kind of mad at Cass for perpetuating that myth that women fall in love with every penis they meet this is so frustrating.

But then the internet brought us this:

 

 

And once again we are all reminded why we are here.

Cass is definitely getting a rose but not because Nick likes her but because she is giving all the producers drama boners. She is too pure for this world.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Der-rama! Three whole women are going home tonight and honestly, Bachie Badger just looks relieved because spinning yarns with this many women makes for tiring work. But maybe also a very nice scarf.

Sadly for me he farewells Energy Healer Cayla as well as the Cayla who jumped in the pool. Lol. What a time to be alive that was.

Some other girl whose name I’ve forgotten is also let go but no one has any time to look her up on Ten Play because Non-Pool-Jumping Cayla is breaking protocol and asking Nick to step outside with her so they can talk. My God I hope she smudges his aura with her sage stick.

Close.

She basically just tells him about the Mean Girls group and how Cat, Romy and their other non-descript mate are big ol meanies.

Obviously, Bachie Badger ain’t well versed in lady talk so he just thanks her awkwardly and then throws her in a limo quicker than you can say, “rose quartz”.

 

Bye Cayla. I hope I find you again at the Mind Body Spirit Festival.

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: A Typical Aussie Honey Badger

16 Aug

Hoy boy, this season is going to be a cracker.

 

Hello, welcome back, put on your best footy jersey (lol I don’t own one of those) and get comfy.

 

It’s Bachie Season of the Honey Badger kind, and let me just say, this first episode was already more Aussie than Scotty Cam and Alf Stewart selling dollar snags at Bunnings.

 

Would be so proud.

 

Look, I know very little about this Nick Cummins/Honey Badger person and, to be frank, I’m not very willing or interested in researching him much further than the fact that he played football and has a pretty wide vocabulary of cooked expressions.

Oh and I can’t decide if I want to smoosh his weird face or punch it.

I’ll get back to you.

Bachie Badger has allegedly fallen in love twice (according to his Instagram, both times with offensively good looking women) but missed the goal posts thus far. He’s hoping that three times’ the charmer and I guess being the meat in a husband competition sandwich seems like the right way to go. (I’m sorry, I have no idea if that analogy made any sense.)

He’s very very Typical Aussie Bloke because he likes sport and shit and makes super ocker jokes all the time and calls women sheilas. Put him in an old Penguin shirt and some stubbies, and he could be any Queenslander’s drunk uncle.

 

Yeah! Sport!

 

Anyway, we don’t care about him we only care about the poor women who have been sitting in a limo full of cheap champagne for the last 5 hours.

 

Here are my favourites/ones to watch:

Shannon: First horse outta the stocks (is that how that goes?) Definitely wifey material because they did a whole big background thing on her and she rides a skateboard. SO COOL! She also laughs a lot and opens her mouth real wide so I feel like there might be some good groper fish-style jokes in the works for me. She’s a “Car Care Specialist” which I guess means she works at Repco??

Brooke: Also a definite wifey and because Channel 10 wanna make it super clear they don’t ONLY cast skinny white women, she makes a big point about being Indigenous. I’m here for her. Except when she carries not one, but two footballs out of the limo with her and then actually says to the camera that she’s really relieved Bachie, “likes sports” because that’s definitely not a thing that 90% of straight men like. They are obviously soulmates.

Carla: Energy Healer. Here for the entertainment value as opposed to the romance because her theme music was not dissimilar to when Lisa Simpson played the jug. Gives Bachie Badger a 2kg rose quartz crystal that has the blood of her enemies good energy in it. She is straight up loopy and I obviously love her. (Side note: apparently there is another Carla but this is the only one I care about).

Dark Haired Travel Lady: Legit have forgotten her name but she has dark hair and is super dooper travel. So much so, that Bachie proclaims it has made her suuuuuch a mature and interesting person after only meeting her for 60 seconds. They were also born in the same town around the same time so they might be related idk?

Cass: DER-RAMA! Cass has “history” with this Typical Aussie Bloke and freaks the funk out when she sees him. The Producers ask her if she’s okay and whether there was any romantic interaction in the past but she stays pretty coy about the whole thing. When she finally fronts up to Bachie Badger, he laughs awkwardly and yells, “Hello hello!” which means they definitely boned. Cass is only 23 and has terrible hair extensions and absolutely zero chill.

 

My horoscope in New Idea said this was going to happen.

 

Dasha: She’s Russian and good looking and I don’t know what else to really say about her except vodka, which she drinks at the cocktail party and because I use cheap jokes.

Cat: Cat is from Bali and actually lives in Bali you know where Bali is right? Yeah she’s from Bali. She’s sarcastic AF and will definitely be pinned as a villain.

Vanessa Sunshine: OK WAIT EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This woman introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine but…is her name hyphenated like Vanessa-Sunshine or is Sunshine her last name and she just really likes saying the whole thing? WHAT IS GOING ON WE MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!! I actually couldn’t concentrate because my brain was working harder than it has in weeks and I still don’t know how her name works but I can tell you she is definitely a villain and wouldn’t tell Bachie Badger where she was from because she wanted to remain mysterious. They must keep her.

 

IS IT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Okay guys, I’m not gonna waste your time here and bore you with the details because everyone gets drunk and needy as expected. All I need to say is that THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK THE SEX ROSE EXCEPT THIS TIME IT IS A SEX KEY I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

The sex key works the same as when your boyfriend dumps you but you secretly keep a spare key to his front door, meaning you can just roll up any funking time you feel like it. I mean, that’s what I imagine it’s the same as.

It’s a super cute little gold key with a heart on top but this is all a facade for the fact it is a straight up ticket to Bone Town.

Cass is obviously despo for the key and her eyes follow Bachie Badger around all night like the Mona Lisa except creepier because she can talk. And talk she does. About how she wrote Bachie’s name (is it Nick? I’ve forgotten) in her Total Girl diary before coming on this show and here he is it’s like a miracle! Obviously she has no qualms in explaining all of this to him and someone please swoop in and save the poor girl before she completely loses her damn mind.

Mystic Meg’s gonna pay for this.

 

But, you know, Bachie is a Typical Aussie Bloke so he doesn’t tell her he’s creeped out to her face, he just laughs awkwardly and does quick mental maths about how long before he can ghost her.

Oh, there’s also some der-rama about some girl called Sophie dating Cat’s ex-boyfriend because they’re both from Brisbane and I am also from Brisbane so I don’t like what is being insinuated here. Anyway, it’s not that exciting and is 100% fabricated by the production team; good attempt, guys.

One woman who I have never seen decides to be CRAAAAAYZAY and jumps into the pool but unfortunately, Bachie Badger is too busy sticking his snout in someone else’s dirt to notice, so she just kind of wallows about in the shallow end until the hair and make up lady gets mad and yanks her out.

Brooke gets the first rose AND THE SEX KEY because she is super into football and can pull off a one-shouldered cape like some sort of feminist Batman.

 

I am a football-loving woman. The city of Gotham needs me!

 

ROSE CEREMONY

You guys are bloody experts at this by now, so you don’t need me to tell you that all the nutcases and villains stay (yayyy!) and three women who got absolutely zero air time leave.

The last one to get a rose is Vanessa Sunshine so she is obviously getting paid back for trying to by mysterious because Typical Aussie Blokes don’t like that shit, mate.

 

And that’s about it, my friends! I’m not 100% sold on this Honey Badger person but I am looking forward to the challenge of coming up with terrible outback-inspired puns every week, so… there’s that.

Let’s hope this season goes off like a raw prawn!

 

The “Sunshine” is silent. 

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep ??: Everything Is Merging Into One And I Don’t Know What’s Happening

23 Apr

Sorry for going MIA last week, y’all. I tumbled into a never-ending pit of rehearsals, Codral and despair that not even my rage over straight-up queer baiting could pull me out of.

At first I thought I’d maybe missed a heap of der-rama and stuff, but, turns out I kind of…didn’t? Well, unless you count Simone quickly losing all senses of logic and yelling a lot… Oh, and Megan just kissing a long-haired Canadian dude and not Elora how dare you Channel 10 I am very mad about this.

It seems as though the shenanigans on Sex Island are becoming as monotonous as the 400 skinny, blonde women who live there. (Honestly, when they all stand next to each other, I couldn’t pick them from a line-up!)

 

#diversity.

 

The big news tonight is that Flo is coming back in, or, Cyclone Florence as they’ve tried to nickname her which doesn’t really work anymore because, based on the incredibly shit weather they seem to be getting, the cyclone has already made it’s way to the Fijian shore and the only person getting any sort of colour is still Jarrod.

Was there a little part of me that enjoyed watching Jake sweat through his flamingo tennis shorts about Flo coming back and calling out his f*** boi ways? Obviously. Was it as satisfying as I was hoping? Obviously not. (Also what I imagine having sex with Jake might be like, I mean…what?)

So Keira and Jarrod are now offish a couple because Keira forced Jarrod to say she was his girlfriend and part of me hates but also loves this couple because I honestly think they’ve been the biggest players on this whole season if the rumours about them already being a couple are true. Well played you two. Although, side note, I still believe the true love story on this show is that between Keira and her mango daiquiri but don’t tell Jarrod cos he’ll probably get heaps angry and I fear for his blood vessels.

 

A match made in television heaven.

 

Leah talks to American Jared about how him giving her his rose really meant something and that maybe they should become allies again so she doesn’t have to threaten to leave all the time, but AJ is just like, “Naaaaahhh…that was a pity rose because stupid Thomas got to Rachael first. Soz mate.”

Leah is very upset at this because how dare her back-up option give her a pity rose. Life is so unfair on Sex Island.

Flo has arrived by now and has said Jake’s name more times than Leah has said she’s going to leave and honestly I’m so glad I pre-chilled an entire bottle of rose.

Osher drops in looking far too smug for what he’s about to say, and delivers the news that Flo is the last person to come into Paradise, so, if they haven’t gotten themselves a bae yet, the odds are looking pretty damn slim. (Meanwhile Wais is still available and still the real MVP here so…jussayin).

This is all the motivation Leah needs to announce she’s DEFINITELY LEAVING this time and goes and packs her shoes in a plastic shopping bag like any regular 25-year old.

 

Everyone to Leah.

 

Poor American Jared barely sees her leave as he’s too busy walking forlornly down the beach in sandals, thinking about what happened at the Rose Ceremony with Thomas and Rachael. Tbh, as my housemate so deftly pointed out – the real problem here is that AJ wears sandals on the beach can someone do something about this?

The producers are still trying to f*** shit up, so they give ANOTHER date card to Thomas (I guess he did cry on a park bench last week) and my cold heart broke a little bit for American Jared. Honestly, FINALLY a woman shows genuine interest in him, and then the producers sweep in with a master plan to have her distracted by someone else. What is this vendetta against American Jared??! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

 

Australia suuuuuux.

Lucky for Thomas though I guess, who has now had more date cards in a week than Simone ever got in an entire show season lol.

Obviously Thomas picks Rachael who goes on a date with him to a putt-putt range in her bike shorts. Thomas calls them “yoga wear” but okay. They were definitely bike shorts, trust me.

Ummm…yeah they go on a date and Thomas is happy that there are cheese and crackers. He obviously doesn’t have too many troubles with dairy farts so good for him.

Rachael does say something mildly alarming about herself always wanting more in third person but Thomas isn’t too phased so good for him?

They pash. You can practically hear American Jared start crying into his Malibu pineapple.

NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE FORM OF TARA AND SAM!

Tara has finally received her own date card and immediately takes Sam because they are hopelessly in love and it’s the only reason anyone is still watching this show.

They dance for a bit and gush over each other and it’s beyond adorable and I am totally here for it. Even better, once they get to their random sex couch, Sam tells Tara he loves her and she says she loves him back and I think my cold, dead heart just skipped a beat!

 

True couple goals.

 

Honestly, I don’t even notice Sam’s hair anymore because I AM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH TARA. Everyone can just go home now because these two win everything.

Speaking of going home, Eden does just that. Basically it’s because he still thinks there’s a chance for him and Elora even though he pranked her with a fake letter and smooshed food into her face and she is just like, no, we are good friends, I am Apollo’s soulmate, didn’t you get the memo?

Eden looks disappointed at this news and then kinda just gets up and strolls on out with no goodbyes. Elora goes back and tells the group that he left because he wanted her to have a good time in Paradise and not hold her back and he was worried about her or something? Anyway, it’s all basically about Elora and not the true fact that the man wasn’t getting any puss so he’s out.

Side note: Keira calling out Elora for being supremely self-centred was the second best thing to happen all night she is a national treasure I swear to God.

See ya Eden. I don’t know how I feel about you anymore but maybe if I keep following you on Instagram I might make a decision.

 

Make good choices, bebe!

 

Ummm…I think that’s it.

No wait…Jake and Flo talk things out and in a weird way they bloody deserve each other I’m so bored of all of them.

Except Apollo – where was he tonight?

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 10: Bad Things Are Happening & Everyone is Over It (including me)

17 Apr

Sweet Jesus, will we ever get some respite from this punishing 4-nights-a-week schedule? Honestly I think this is a purposeful hate crime on behalf of Channel 10 who have gotten wise on us mean, self-indulgent bloggers and decided to make our lives a living hell.

 

 

Does that sound real or am I just being too self-obsessed now?

Once again, I’ll come clean and admit that I am still trying to have a life and rehearse for a show which means I have not watched the entire episode, but I don’t think that’s ever mattered to you guys. Which is exactly why I like you so much. #journalism.

So today I am mad.

Mad at Luke, mad at Eden, mad at Channel 10. Everyone has gone fkd up this week and it’s very upsetting.

First of all, Channel 10, queer baiting us with the promo for potential Megan/Elora hook ups, only to realise the closest they’re going to get to this is sitting on a sun lounge together talking about Apollo is so unfair. Not that I expected you to be at the forefront of celebrating bisexual relationships on television but still. Shame on you.

Second of all, Luke, I just think I expected better. I know Sex Island is pretty much a wannabe Instagram celebrity’s heaven on earth, and I get the decision between true love and free wine is a tough one, but come on mate. Eventually your brain has GOT to take over from your penis or you’ll end up dead from electrocution after trying to stick it in a vacuum cleaner.

And lastly…Eden. Babe. I was your number one fan and cheerleader. Heck, I even contemplated straight up adding you on Facebook like one of those strange, overly familiar fan girls (I didn’t in the end in case you were wondering). But you let me down, bro.

Anyway.

Tensions are pretty damn high on Sex Island considering everyone is just on a glorified Contiki tour. Michael’s balls are bluer than the Fijian ocean, Elora and Simone are still making pissy faces at each other and everyone else is just emotionally (and literally) drunk. Megan and Jake are discussing how rock solid they are and that it would really take someone super special to come between them…

WAIT WHAT’S THIS?! ANOTHER CANADIAN MAN WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE HAS ARRIVED TO MAYBE COME BETWEEN THEM!?

Thomas, looking every inch the internationally acclaimed model no one knows, strolls into Sex Island with the confidence of Warwick Capper walking down Cavill Ave. He manages to catch Megan’s eye and for a minute everyone’s thinking he might just have the man bun power to pull her away from Jake. Tbh, I don’t think she’s actually going to leave Jake but it was worth it just to see Jake’s arse cheeks sweat a little. (I mean, you don’t actually SEE the cheeks, but you know it’s happening).

 

At least I don’t talk through a straw.

 

Thomas asks everyone out on a date but literally no one wants to go with him. Like at all. This is worse than that time Megan went on a pity date with American Jared and now Thomas is crying and I don’t know what to do.

Michael is also very upset because he is getting no joy in to the sexy department and still feels super bad for giving Lisa his rose but also hopes that maybe Lisa secretly likes him back which is unlikely considering Lisa JUST told Luke that nothing can come between their love. Not even a pretend Socceroo. You also know she’s not interested in Michael because when he finds her to chat about his feelings, she sits the furtherest away from someone you physically can whilst still being able to hear them. But don’t worry guys, this is Logical Lisa. She lets him down gently and logically but it’s not enough for Michael who has decided to throw in the towel.

Yep, Michael has run out of ripped singlets and women and wants to go home. And then…he’s gone. No fanfare, no teary goodbyes, just…nothing. Look, I may not have flown the Michael flag or anything but even I think he deserved better.

BUT WAIT! Now Lisa wants to go and I can’t be sure whether she truly just wants to GTFO or whether the producers no longer see any worth in her and Luke now that the Michael-Lisa-Luke triangle is kaput. She casually asks Luke if he’s ready to leave and I’m not sure if she means the show or the padded beach bed they’re lying on, she’s so casual. But all of a sudden Luke is unsure of how much he’s willing to say goodbye to bottomless mimosas and just loses his shit really.

 

How will I live without my 10am daiquiri?!

 

He’s unsure if he can commit to this woman he’s spent the last three weeks falling in love with because what if he leaves paradise and some Amazonian goddess comes in and he misses his chance?! Luke isn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, but he does try to explain that he is more of a “slow burner” and things are moving so fast on this dating show he came into to find love and my eyes rolled so far back into my head I practically swallowed them. This is why over half the population is single and barren.

Lisa is all, “You don’t have to, no pressure,” but even I know this is exactly the opposite of what she means and he’d better bloody go with her.

 

Above: Lisa.

 

Okay they’re gone too now and no one really seems that upset or surprised. Fare thee well Lisa; you were too normal for this world.

(*UPDATE: Obviously, y’all know that there are now cheating rumours surrounding Luke on the outside and is anyone surprised, really?)

No time to waste because OBVIOUSLY Elora gets the next date card because we’re all here to just f*** shit up. OBVIOUSLY she takes Apollo because she has meditated and twirled her fire on it and the fire told her that she and Apollo were soul mates. Apollo doesn’t seem too convinced but that’s really none of his business if you ask Elora.

Monsoon season in Fiji is really becoming a problem because they are basically just sent to an undercover BBQ area at the back of the resort while it pisses down rain around them.

Elora presents her Apollo 4 Elora 4Eva slideshow and poor Apollo says he just wants to find someone to travel with which is literally every damn man on Tinder’s bio (srzly, if you have this on your profile delete it immediately because every funking person in Australia wants to travel and it does not make you interesting.) But I’ll forgive it of Apollo because abs. And magic tricks.

Nothing else really happens on their date apart from when they come back and everyone greets them like they’ve just returned from an epic journey around the world in a tiny sailboat.

Apollo goes straight to Simone who is at the bar like a regular person, talking about her many feelings to anyone who’ll listen. He actually tells her he missed her and f*** me how does she not just fall off her stool naked at that? Elora is verrrrrryyyy unhappy about this and goes to talk to some fire sticks about it.

It seems the Elora-Apollo romance is dead quicker than you can say, “you banged him on my couch!”

Meanwhile, Thomas is still the Ralph Wiggum of the island feeling super rejected and unsure of what he’s even doing here. As are we Thomas, as are we.

Jarrod, now a shade of red the colour spectrum has yet to incorporate, feels for the poor Canadian and organises a man date. Jarrod, Thomas, Sam and Apollo stroll along the beach by twilight, end up in a cramped milk bath in their undies and Sam puts on a Swedish accent and honestly how has Sam become the best person on television?! The bro date is most likely a ploy for producers to have Apollo shirtless again and I’m not mad about it.

 

Sorry, I’m lactose intolerant. 

 

In a final twist of der-rama, Elora discovers a letter on her pillow that is allegedly from American Jared. It’s all very SVU: Special Victims Unit with close-ups of the letter being unfolded and the unmistakable red flag of it being signed off as “American Jared.” So many twists and turns in this show, amiright?!

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Elora is quite taken with the gesture and decides that maybe she has real feelings for American Jared, a man she has barely spoken two words to, but we all know that, as Kesha once sang, “It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!”

Ali being Ali praises American Jared for being so sweet with his letter writing business and he is as suitably confused as a drunk foreigner on a dating show can be.

Now erryone is confused AF because it wasn’t American Jared and apparently we have found the key to a time machine and gone back to 1998 when prank letters were a thing in Science class.

Obviously the next logical culprit is Simone because, let’s face it, she’s been extremely sweaty and angry these past few days so that makes sense.

No wait, it’s not Simone either.

It was Eden and now I am so mad and disappointed I can’t feel my face anymore.

It appears that Eden is blue-balling so hard, his excess testosterone has bubbled up and into his brain and he’s lost his damn mind. That, or he just wanted to f*** shit up before his inevitable exit tonight. Whichever mate, but not cool.

YOU’VE MADE ME LOOK THE FOOL, YO! HOW COULD YOU?! I’m going to have to go speak to a box of Shapes about this.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

I’ve fallen into a pit of despair at my apparently terrible judgement of men and kinda miss the whole thing.

Oh, except for the part where Elora gives her funking rose to Eden because she still thinks he deserves to find love gurl what you planning either you’re the most forgiving person in the damn South Pacific, or you got some revenge idea so bad and I’m almost hoping it’s the second one.

Everyone is f***ing shook, including Eden, who looks pretty damn afraid as he should.

 

Eden, you in danger, boi.

 

Poor Canadian Thomas is off the island before he even had a chance to break out the Banana Boat 30+.

 

My nose is dripping like a tap and I need to take a nap. That’s a wrap.

(That was also a rap.)

(Sorry I’m delirious.)

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 9: Enter The Apollocalypse

16 Apr

Honestly, what is the point of dilly dallying about and introducing this post in some sort of sarcastic way when Apollo is arriving and everyone is frothy AF. Me included.

Obviously, everyone is losing their goddamn minds about it, including Osher, who is trying really hard to pretend that the recent drama wasn’t completely set up by the producers of the show. Everyone is also sitting around talking about how unexpected and shocking last week’s episode was and they definitely had no idea what was going to happen and absolutely no one told them what to do definitely not it was a total surprise.

 

I am definitely crying real tears, kay?

 

Not ones to bow to peer pressure to make juicy television, Logical Luke and Lisa work out their pretend couple drama like regular people and that’s pretty much all the air time they’re going to get today.

My boyfriend Eden gets the single date card and straight up invites Elora who accepted his rose last week, but Elora is not so keen on going out with our boy Eden for an hour or two in case Apollo magically shows up lol as if that’s really going to happen what are the odds…oh wait. HERE HE FUNKING IS ELORA IS GOING TO BE SOOOO MAD.

Apollo is here guys and he’s wearing a delightful lobster shirt and honestly he is too pure for this world. His adorable hug with Luke nearly made me feel things I didn’t think I was still capable of.

Poor Apollo is worried that he’s come in quite late and that everyone will already be coupled up, which is super sweet, but what he doesn’t know is that every damn woman on this island would crawl over her current man’s rat-infested dead body just to get within a 3 inch radius of him. But bless him for being so modest.

Meanwhile, over on television’s most awkward date, Eden and Elora have just been given boogie boards, a sand dune and no supervision and are trying to figure out how to board down without a) killing themselves or b) getting a whole tonne of sand up in their bits.

Elora has come in her active wear because she wants to make a statement that she’s not really into Eden at all even though she accepted his rose and accepted the fact that he wanted to get to know her better and now that’s what he’s trying to do but how dare he try that on and even more how dare he take her away from a potential Apollo landing?!

Look, it is super awkward to watch and I hate myself a little bit for sticking up for a dude that I don’t even know, but honestly, the man is so desperate for a pash with someone you can see it written all over his poor little face.

He still wants to make the date super memorable, so if there’s not going to be a kiss, he decides to start a food fight with a woman who is already pretty keen to just go the f*** home.

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo!

 

You know what else would make a date with a woman super memorable guys? JUST RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES WHEN SHE TELLS YOU THEM WITH A SIMPLE THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT AND THEN GOING HOME LIKE A REGULAR PERSON.

Sigh. Eden, babe, you’ve hit real a low point here and I’m really gonna need to you to reign it in and go back to being the rad, respectful puppy dog we all know and love.

Let’s pretend that date didn’t happen.

Back on Sex Island, Keira and her mango daiquiri have taken the first opportunity to chat/flirt with Apollo and it’s not going well. I think perhaps Jarrod has had permanent effect on Keira’s interpersonal skills or maybe she’s just shit faced, I can’t be sure. Regardless, she’s willing to kiss him for Australia even though he’s too young for her (i.e. not interested in her) and it’s times like these I remember why we need her.

 

Not all heroes wear capes.

 

On the other hand, he does hit it off with Simone which signals the beginning of  a v complicated and messy love triangle/situation that probably isn’t really that messy at all but this is how I THINK it all goes down:

Simone and Elora are friends in the real world.

Elora told Simone she was literally going on BIP for the sole purpose of meeting Apollo which goes for basically everyone, but okay.

Apparently some other Bachie dude met the two of them at a club  a while back and flirted with Simone even though Elora liked him and now there is some weird man-tension between them? Are you bored of this already?

Now Apollo has met Simone while Elora was off trying to get sand out of her undies with Eden, and Apollo has asked Simone on a single date and she is going to go because she’s not a funking idiot.

(Also Simone spent an entire season without any dates, now she’s been asked on two dates in three days and I think this is what they call just desserts.)

Elora returns from her date with Eden and literally cries, “Oh my God, it’s Apollo!” while still walking next to the man who JUST took her on a date.

She also complains to everyone that Eden is too much but then gives an impromptu TedX talk about Apollo and why he is so great and she’s never actually met him properly. I mean, okay.

She goes and speaks to Simone to forgive her for talking to Apollo while she was not there, but then Simone tells her he actually asked her out on a date and honest to God I think I just saw a capillary pop in Elora’s eyeball.

Simone reassures Elora it’s okay because she kinda told Apollo that Elora likes him and Elora is her friend so she feels bad, but Elora does not like this news and shit is going to go DOWN.

Apollo takes Simone on their date and they go kayaking and fall into the water a lot which I would definitely not be mad about if it meant Apollo had to haul my half-naked ass back on to the kayak with his beautiful bare hands.

 

Hahaha your abs are hilarious!

 

Simone laughs at literally everything Apollo says and I guess that’s fine but then he goes and tells her he is ready to settle down and find someone he can create a story with and he really needs to be careful about using phrases like that because I’m pretty sure half of Australia is pregnant with his babies now.

They get back from their date and Elora wastes no time in asking if they talked about her. You did not read that wrong. This is where we are now.

 

 

Simone is also mad and shitty now and they just kind of talk over each other for a bit and look really pissy about it.

Simone talks to Ali and Michael about the whole situation because now she is mad that Elora is mad and how dare Elora still want to pursue Apollo now that SHE has gone on a date with him some friend she was. Grant is also there but he is napping and I am jealous.

Michael calls Simone all levels of crazy and now he and I are fighting. (Srzly, don’t do that man.)

Simone and Elora fight again over those rumors about the other Bachie dude they went drinking with (I would bet as to who it was but I’ve forgotten all of their names now). Elora wants to talk about this problem with Apollo and how they’re going to share him, but Simone is too sunburnt and high from being close to Apollo all day that she can’t talk.

Meanwhile, I’d like to know what Wais has got to say about all this!

 

Do not come near me unless you are Apollo.

 

Thus concludes the Elora-Apollo-Simone love triangle for tonight and guys, remember when Jarrod thought he was in a love triangle? Lol.

 

Speaking of Jarrod – guess what? He’s decided that now that Simone has gone on a date with Apollo, he is definitely not interested in her anymore and is definitely in love with Keira again and this has nothing to do with getting a rose.

Sweet Jesus, will it ever end?

I guess because they don’t want to miss out on air time and being included in some of the der-rama, Keira goes along with it and Jarrod takes her to some rock on the beach where he has set up a picnic for them and SRZLY WHAT IS THE FUNKING POINT OF THE SINGLE DATE CARDS WHEN THE CONTESTANTS CAN ACTUALLY JUST DO THIS THEMSELVES?!

Jarrod says something about deciding to dedicate his life to Keira now? I’m not 100% sure if I heard correctly over the Grain Waves I was eating. And also I don’t care anymore.

They kiss and it looks like this train wreck is back on track.

 

Is that sunscreen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

 

 

Oh… Sam built Tara a bamboo hut and told her she makes him pee. And they say romance is ded.

 

Just a gif I stole from Punkee of Apollo’s abs because…

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 5 & 6: There Is No Funny Title Because Women Are Not Men’s Property

10 Apr

Ok guys, I’m sick with the flu, I’ve got some feminist rage and I’ve had about 16 pseudoephedrine. Strap in.

We have officially hit the point where the Australian dudes are too boring/whiny so they’re bringing in the big guns and by big guns I mean the misogynistic guns with weird faces and American accents.

Americans. The American dudes are here.

Honestly the women look f***ing over the moon to get a break from the smorgasbord of idiots they’ve been hanging around. Unfortunately though, these new offerings don’t seem to be any better.

First to arrive is Grant who is a fireman and has been on Bachie in Paradise US and proposed to some girl called Lace (or Lacey?) and then got matching tattoos with her that said “Grace” and I already hate him.

 

This is a thing that happened. 

 

Mack is still barking up Ali’s tree like a puppy who needs a wee and it’s starting to just get creepy. They go for a swim and Mack just intermittently stares at her and then lays random compliments on thick and fast rather than actually just talking to the woman like a regular human and honestly if this is what Mack thinks a connection is, I fear for him.

Ali makes a comment about how she doesn’t just want to go around pashing everyone and wants her first kiss on Sex Island to be with the man she hopes to leave with. Which is code for she definitely does not want to pash Mack.

Mack doesn’t seem too worried though. As he explains, “I’m falling for her, and I think she’s falling for me in a different way,” which is code for she definitely isn’t falling for you at all.

Jarrod is mad that Mack gave his rose to Ali and ruined Jarrod’s first ever love triangle, but honestly he has been super into Keira this whole time, guys, srzly don’t even worry about it. But he’s pretty P-O’d when Keira shows some interest in Grant because how dare she after he told her she was his second choice. How COULD she do this to him?!

Luckily for Jarrod, Leah swoops in on Grant before he’s even had a chance to get some life advice and a tequila shot from Wais. Grant takes Leah on a single date to the resort next door where they go snorkeling and I have an epiphany about why I might still be single when Leah literally undresses Grant 10 minutes after meeting him and I’m too shy to tell a dude his chair leg is on my skirt.

 

Is this how flirting works now because I quit. 

 

Grant tells Leah this was actually the best date he’s ever been on ever, which seems weird for someone who has been engaged before on this very show but, then again, I’m single, what would I know?

Back on Sex Island ANOTHER American man arrives except he’s actually Canadian but I don’t think any of the contestants know the difference. His name is Daniel and he is basically just a massive set of balls attached to a small head. Again, the girls go crazy for him. Daniel is glad Grant is here so he has another “wolf” to run with and honestly why do white men all think they’re wolves?

Daniel gets to work on who’s banging who and literally points to Lisa and says, “Oh is this yours?” to Luke AND MY VAGINA JUST CRAWLED UP INTO MY STOMACH AND IS NEVER COMING OUT.

Never mind the fact Jarrod’s gone all red again because Keira is now talking to Daniel and he fumes for a while at the camera about how these Americans are here to “take all our women,” which again, doesn’t really endear him to me because women aren’t objects to take but again what would I know.

Because the producers are literally here to f*** with everyone, obviously Daniel has a single date card and he says this weird thing to Keira about how he doesn’t need to take her out as he already knows they have a connection which seems like a fairly backwards way to play it, but Keira has downed at least 5 vodka sunrises and she somehow agrees. Not before Daniel asks her if she’s a “bad girl” while trying to sexily sip on his cocktail. Newsflash fellas, don’t attempt sleazy bedroom eyes outside of the bedroom unless you’re okay with getting laughed at. You suck at it.

He picks Nina who I thought was better than this and what follows is just a five minute montage of sexual harassment.

Honestly, Daniel has barely been in our lives longer than the mi goreng I’m eating and I already have enough feminist rage to burn the place to the ground. When he and Nina approach what looks like a legitimately dangerous river, I am yelling THROW HIM IN much louder than my neighbors would appreciate. Unfortunately, a local happens by and basically tells them they are f***ing idiots for even thinking about it and not even jungle sex is worth nearly dying for. (Okay he didn’t exactly say that but you could see it on his face.)

Oh Blake is still here and he doesn’t like Daniel at all because competition is fine but, “don’t come across as a dick,” which I guess is fair coming from the guy who put another guy in hospital and whose girlfriend’s name he forgot on television.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to sense the theme for this week might be Hypocrisy of the Highest Order.

Lenora has obviously caught a glimpse of Blake’s new hair do and decides maybe he’s not for her. Considering he has put zero effort into their relationship and still isn’t 100% sure her name isn’t Lenora, he seems very shocked.

 

This is also a thing that happened. 

 

Also on the break up train is Ali who is first accosted by Mack telling her he wants to introduce her to his parents after knowing her for 2 days and lord give me strength I’m worried for this guy and what he thinks conversation/dating is.

Ali gently explains that she doesn’t feel the spark with him unfortunately, and considering all he’s done is creep on her and pay her compliments that make her physically uncomfortable, he also seems very shocked.

Mack, babe, when a woman talks to you that doesn’t mean there’s a spark. It just means she’s talking to you. #science.

Returning to the bar for hopefully a little bit of Ali Time, Ali is once again pulled away by Michael who has organised a little unofficial date of his own for her and honestly wtf is the point of the date cards if the contestants can just put down their own rug and cheese platter whenevs? The logic of this show is starting to really mess with me.

 

You wanna go wash your hands? CAN I COME TOO??!!

 

BUT IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST Ali also dumps Michael because she isn’t really feeling it with him either and there could be a chance she’s simply doing it so she can have 5 f***ing minutes to herself, could you blame her?

Oh good God, I’m not even half way you guys this is intense. I’m so sorry.

GOOD NEWS! Something nice and almost genuinely lovely happens and thank f*** for that because I was a bee’s dick away from pledging a life time of celibacy.

 

Current mood.

 

Sam and Tara finally go on a date together and Tara tells Sam she thought he was a dickhead at first and bravo to her but he cops it on the chin, bless him. They make each other cocktails and then sit on a Random Sex Couch trying to summon the courage to kiss each other and I can’t believe this I am really starting to like Sam GODDAMMIT TARA!

Nah but seriously, they do eventually pash and it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to gag because I think they might be in love.

 

I’m still watching you, Sam.

 

The der-rama is wrapped up on Sunday by da boyz sitting around on the rocks being manly and shit. Jarrod is still trying to convince everyone he loved Keira all along but then accuses Mack of “dogging” him by giving Ali his rose when Mack KNEW Jarrod was going to give Ali HIS rose and honestly you are both as annoying as each other please just shush. But just quietly can we bring back the term “dogged” again?

Okay it’s Monday night now and the same shit is happening and Jarrod is redder than ever.

Because I am running out of patience and pain killers to delve into this too much here is the sitch:

Jarrod (claims to) love Keira.

Keira likes Jarrod but wants to bone Daniel.

Nina also likes Daniel and isn’t sure about Eden now and I’m very mad at her because Eden is the best how dare she.

Eden still loves Nina but wants her to make her own decisions plz marry me.

Daniel wants to bone everyone. He literally does not care who it is.

Jarrod thinks women live under rocks and hates playing second fiddle but forgets he literally told Keira she was his second fiddle not 3 days ago.

 

It is so draining being this hypocritical. 

 

Grant and Ali have now hooked up and I literally have no idea how/when that happened.

Leah is full pissed and only speaks in Meal Girls quotes now.

Daniel says he is Gepetto from Pinocchio and all the women are his puppets and honest to God I really hope Channel Ten have purposely chosen these douche canoes to teach the men of Australia how to treat/view/date/talk to women.

 

Pictured: Me as Daniel’s puppet. 

 

A new guy arrives who isn’t Apollo but whose name is also Jared which I think is just mean and confusing. No one really likes him but he asks Meagan on a date and she doesn’t even pretend she wants to go. Nothing happens on their date.

Keira and Jarrod fight and then the next day make out and it’s just very confusing. Jarrod is also very confused by biology because he says that Keira is like Madonna – there’s only one of her but I think he’s forgetting that there’s only one of every single person in the world.

Daniel is still walking around like the human equivalent of a tube of cheap lube. Keira takes him into her hut and makes out with him but we don’t see it, only hear it. I mean, who doesn’t love the sound of two people drunk pashing before 11am?!

I mean, Keira is effectively doing what Jake did to Flo and Meagan last week, but remember this is a woman whose crush told her she was his second choice. Her facial expression after she admits she kissed Daniel is worth sitting through this whole episode and I am HERE FOR IT.

 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Ummm…this whole Keira-Daniel-Jarrod-Nina drama continues on for some time until Lenora ALSO says that she’s putting out flirtatious vibes to see what comes back from Daniel, but if you ask me, the only thing coming back from him is probably an STI.

 

Yeah…nah.

 

Because Eden is the best man on this damn island, he approaches Nina and Daniel mid awkward-sex -chat to steal away not Nina, but the Douche King himself. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?! Are they going to punch on? Is Eden going to throw him in the ocean because I heard slimy Canadians can’t swim.

He doesn’t do either of those things but he does give Daniel a stern talking to about not hurting Nina’s feelings and I swear on my life Eden has restored my faith in men for a moment and suddenly I am so goddamn nervous about the Rose Ceremony that I might vomit.

Not to be deterred from spreading his “man eggs” across the island (again, #science) Daniel goes back to a drunk Keira and asks her if he makes her moist. No, that wasn’t a typo.

Uncle Sam takes this opportunity to tell Nina that she is being played by Douchebag Daniel and that Eden is the one who actually cares about her and GODDAMMIT SAM STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU!

ROSE CEREMONY

Before this, we get a glimpse of the gals chatting about their choices tonight and everyone is very honest about wanting to bone Daniel and I am seriously concerned that they’ve been drugged because he is literally the worst.

Leah gives her rose to Michael even though they will never be a thing.

Lisa gives her rose to Luke and I forgot these two were still here but yay.

Tara gives her rose to Sam and he straight up smooches her for it and it’s funking adorable.

Ali gives her rose to Grant even though he is wearing the most hideous onesie.

Meagan gives her rose to Jake because next to Daniel he looks like a goddamn saint.

Nina gives her rose to… (oh dear God I’m sweating I might cry)… EDEN! I actually cheered.

Lenora steps up, looks at Daniel and then…gives her rose to AMERICAN JARED HOLY SHIT THIS WOMAN IS EVERYTHING!

 

Sit the f*** down y’all!

 

Keira looks to be in full panic mode and says ” I don’t know!” before continuing to panic and eventually gives her rose to Jarrod.

WHICH MEANS THE CANADIAN BALLSACK IS GOING HOME AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION BRINGS ME GENUINE JOY!

For a man who thought he had a bunch of roses coming at him, his reaction is less than gentlemanly. Personally, my favorite line as he walked out the gates was, “Whatever, I’ve had sex with a tonne of beautiful women. I don’t care.”

DO YOU, THOUGH DANIEL? DO YOU?!!

Honestly, I have never been more f***ing proud of women on reality television.

#BYEFELIPE

 

If Daniel was on Tinder. 

 

 

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.