Tag Archives: channel 9

Can we please have your dignity?

20 Apr

Has reality television turned us all into a*******?

They say sex sells, but shame and failure are way better. See, I really wanted to hate Married at First Sight. I promise I did. But I have a dirty confession; not only have I watched it, but I also kind of love it in the worst way and I DON’T KNOW WHY!

Actually, that’s a lie.

I do know.

It’s because, deep down, I’m a bit of an a**hole.

Ironically, my new obsession with MAFS comes at about the same time as my Bachie nemesis, Blake Garvey, a.k.a. Blake Vader, announced his tragic split from Lipstick Louise via a poignant breakup shoot with New Idea. Yes, you read that correctly. They legit got together on some windy beach-side lookout and posed for photographs looking forlorn and heartbroken. Relationship goals AF.

And a big part of me has absolutely revelled in it. The deep-voiced, shallow-minded lothario and his controversial third-choice bride have given back their Bunda rings and commemorated it with a flipping GLAMOUR SHOOT! It’s heaven on a stick. (On the other hand, another, somewhat smaller, part of me is sad I won’t be able to make sarcastic jokes about their beige wardrobes and personalities anymore, but that’s just a cross I’ll have to bear.)


new idea split

This is a thing and it really happened. (Image via New Idea)


But through these two reality television goldmines, what’s really become super clear to me is just how much we enjoy watching people suffer. And not just us, the viewing public of Australia, but the very contestants themselves. Apparently sacrificing their dignity, their bodies, their emotional well-being, and anything else remotely sacred is the only way wannabe television stars can make a coin these days. Forget the happy endings, we wanna see you tear shreds off!

Take Monday night’s ep of Married at First Sight for example. Although the surface-level focus was the anticipated meet up of all the couples and their incessant arm-stroking at Bilbo Baggins’ house, anyone with half a brain knew that it was really about Jono and Clare breaking up and the ensuing awkward AF dinner party showdown. And the other contestants kind of loved it. It was legit all they could talk about. I mean, they put in a solid effort pretending to care, but really the smugness was palpable…


cersei smug

Ohhh…you’re not together anymore?


The psychologists kept saying that Jono and Clare were matched for a reason, but unless that reason was to make good television out of emotional turmoil, I’m fresh out of ideas as to why these two people were married in the first place. Sources tell me that Clare suffered through an abusive relationship in the past, and so she was expertly paired with a man who lost his shit at a couch in Ikea. Obvi it had serious potential from the start, guys. But perhaps the best and most telling part of the whole shemozzle was the serious “psychological support” Clare received from the three “experts” when she and Jono officially decided to split and she found herself sobbing alone in the middle of the Blue Mountains.


there there gif

From left: Clare, John Aitken


And Australia loved it. It was a major talking point on Tuesday morning. But after a brief discussion with my fellow MAFS- addict and writer friend, we agreed that the schadenfreude doesn’t just stop at dating shows. Basically every reality tv program requires a significant element of suffering and embarrassment for us to want to tune in. And for what? Despite the small wins, occasional monetary remuneration and, at best, fleeting fame, what do the participants really gain from the whole experience? An entire nation of people enjoying their shame.

Because, deep down, we’re all a bit of an a**hole. But has reality television itself conditioned us to be this way?

So my friend and I played a little game. We decided to write the production briefs for some of Australia’s biggest reality shows. But in a much more honest way.

The Voice, X Factor and any others from the trolley of talent shows out there: Sure, sing us a beautiful song, but you ain’t gonna get any screen time unless you tell us about how you saw the life leave your little brother’s eyes after he was squashed by that tractor. For those of you not as fortunate to have a tragic backstory, don’t worry, we’ll put together montage episodes of all the really bad, delusional contestants who never had a hope of succeeding so that our viewers can have a good laugh. Maybe you can get on one of those.

Biggest Loser: We really want to help you lose weight, but we also really want to hear again and again how much you want to be a parent and keep dwelling on those failed pregnancies you suffered because of, you know… how overweight you are.  And while we focus on all aspects of your health, we’re going to starve you on a low cal diet for weeks, then roll you through the middle of the Chadstone food truck festival and see if you eat your body weight in dim sims. Surprise! Temptation! But don’t forget to be healthy, kay?

The Block: Come on our show and we’ll ‘challenge’ you by ringing every drop of stress and anxiety out of your relationship while we give you a shitty budget, rush you through something you have never done before, but also don’t forget to stay in love with your partner and be attractive. (Meanwhile, did you see Cherie’s wall paper… hideous amirite?) Then deal with our smugness when your over-decorated apartment doesn’t reach reserve at auction and you realise you’ve worked your balls off for, like, $3000.

My Kitchen Rules: We’ll invite the biggest pack of a**holes in Australia, sit them around your dinner table and watch while your hope curdles like the cream you forgot to refrigerate as they pick apart all the reasons why you are a terrible cook and overall person.


Reality television is basically taking over. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, but I can’t help but worry that it’s only going to feed our hunger for suffering and embarrassment. Don’t get me wrong, I (and I think a lot of people) want to see Ordinary Joe realise his hopes and dreams, but not before he hands his dignity over.

Just like Blake and Louise did. At the end of the day, someone had to have OFFERED them that photoshoot. Or, at the very least, thought it was worth publishing. Because they knew Australia would love it.


I mean, really, would you ruin your life for a guest spot on Ready Steady Cook and a 2012 Hyundai Getz?




How I Feel About… Delta Goodrem

12 Jul

Legit question: when did we all start hating Delta Goodrem?


A Level 10 Awkward Moment occurred tonight on ‘The Voice’ when Delta got fed up with arguing a point and walked off the set. And boy did she cop it. The worst of it is, tonight was the latest in a long string of outbursts from The He Man Delta Hating Club.

Now, as you would know, I am not one for unnecessary bitching* but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good dose of reality TV der-rama. I mean, why would we even bother watching television if it wasn’t for the chance to innocently rag on fame-hungry Geordie Shore residents or Kylie Jenner’s latest lip enhancement?

But honestly, when did we all turn on Delta? Because from where I’m sitting, she hasn’t committed any serious crimes apart from having one of the most enviable bloody weaves on television and looking crazy good in a white onesie.

It was recently announced that Delts had been cast as Grizabella in the new Australian tour of CATS. (If you are not one for musical theatre, Grizabella is the one who sings ‘Memory’ and has the epic smoky eye/false eyelash look.) And gosh, ERRYBODY had an opinion on the matter! And for the most part, a lot of it was not positive. Yes, I understand there is a genuine debate over the act of ‘star-casting’ musicals with known celebrities to boost mainstream appeal and ticket sales, but that is not what this is, and not something I have the brain space or word limit to open up right now. No, the public’s reaction to Deltabella was more personal, more targeted. From what I could see, a lot of people were “shocked and appalled” that, out of all the Aussie female celebrities out there, they chose HER. A woman who is an actual singer. What controversy.

And so I did a bit more research. (I searched the hashtag #TheVoiceAu on twitter. Because journalism.) My findings? The Delta bashing is not new. At all.

Ever since Delts first appeared on her big, red chair on ‘The Voice’ in 2012, the Australian public chose her as their new punching bag. And 2015 is proving to be no different.

She’s daggy. She’s insecure. She’s jealous of Jessie J. She’s fake. She’s too nice. She’s a bitch. She had an affair with Seal/Joel Madden/Anyone who has appeared on the show.

And I would just like to say… WHY AUSTRALIA?!

Delta Goodrem is a goddamn national treasure!

I mean, do you REMEMBER when ‘Born to Try’ came out? Every white girl under the age of 35 was all about that jam!

And speaking of white girls, that’s the other thing; a recent moniker Delta is often labelled with is “lame white girl”. Because apparently her dance moves are just so Drunk-Mum-at-the-local-Bowls-Club that we can’t stand it. Yes, that Instagram that Marlon Wayans captured of her was an unfortunate coincidence but one that Delts still managed to laugh off.

So what if dancing isn’t her best bloody skill? Who gives a feck? Maybe she IS a bit of a lame white girl. But go have a look in the mirror. Are you white? Do you own a few too many Sportsgirl striped t-shirts? Go to Club Retro on a Saturday night and dance to Chumbawamba?** Then you are probably a bit of a lame white girl too. I know I am. WE ARE ALL LAME WHITE GIRLS! WE ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE!

Allow me also to refresh your pre-2012-Delta memory:

Remember when she had CANCER? Like, for real. In 2003 she was diagnosed with Lymphoma, a type of blood cancer. She was 18 years old. She had chemotherapy, her glorious locks fell out and she rocked a mini fro’ for a solid year and a half. What were you doing when you were 18? I was straightening my hair with a clothing iron and working at Target. Girlfriend had real problems.

She also dated tennis player Mark Philioppoussis. As in, The Scud or The Poo as I prefer. Who dumped her for Paris Hilton, how very f*%&ing dare he. And she lived to tell the tale. Well, that’s a lie. She rarely talks about it at all. Because lady got class.

I guess my point here is that the woman has had her fair share of crosses to bear. Ones that we so often forget for the convenience of dumping on her every time she opens her mouth.

And now this rivalry with Jessie J is serving as a new avenue for Delta-bashing. For the record, I love Jessie J as much as the next person; girlfriend could sing me an A-Z of infectious diseases. But I really hate the fact that we are using her to highlight Delta’s flaws. Jessie is searingly honest and brutal at times, which is absolutely commendable, but not Delta’s style. Is that Delta’s fault? No. It’s no one’s fault. It is just two women with differing tactics and opinions on singing who often come to loggerheads.

And tonight it got a bit too much for Delts.

Was it over-dramatic? Maybe. Was it edited badly? Possibly. But was it completely unjustified? No. I think a lot of the viewing public forget that all of these blind auditions are filmed within the space of 24 hours. One day. One very, very long day. I mean, isn’t the fact that none of the judges have changed their outfit in three weeks a dead giveaway?

Can we just put this down to a long, frustrating day at work then? Havent’ you ever wanted to throw your hot coffee or Cup-a-Soup at that insufferable co-worker who WILL NOT stop interrupting while you’re trying to watch cat videos on YouTube? As a teacher I cannot tell you the amount of times I have done a very similar thing to a room full of obnoxious teenagers. (The walking off, not the throwing hot beverages at them. I would definitely get fired for that. And I gotta pay rent.)

So can we please just pull back on the Delta hating?

The next time you find yourself growing a little impatient with her or, like me, your jealousy levels are rapidly rising every time she flicks that glorious blonde weave around, try to remember the first time you played your ‘Innocent Eyes’ CD (do not even TRY and tell me you didn’t rush out to HMV to buy that shit). Delta is a nice person. A strong woman. A talented singer.

I look forward to Deltabella in CATS. I think she’ll do a bang-up job. Yes, maybe she is a little bit younger than what you’d come to expect of such an iconic character, but keep in mind Nicole Scherzinger just played her on the West End and she is a bloody Pussycat Doll! Just think about that.




I’m out.



*Not fact.

**My Saturday night. Fact.