So I’m back from the tropics and straight into the crazy bitches. Yes, I did miss last Thursday’s episode, but I was v occupied turning thirty and getting a white girl tan (bee tee dubs, Melbourne, you suck. I’m moving.)
Aaanyway, despite hideous jet lag, or maybe a few too many G&T’s on the plane, I am coming to you live with a double feature on this week’s Bachelor happenings that will encompass both Wednesday and Thursday nights’ episodes. Hold on tight,because that’s a lot of bitchy staring.
PART 1 – BITCHES, START YOUR ENGINES
Even in a foreign country I got the news that Goal Attack had voluntarily LEFT! For a “netball opportunity”. You guys, let’s all clap for Holly and her team for making it to the semi-finals against the Toowoomba Waratahs. Because I’m all about celebrating success.
So tonight, Osher comes straight from his Bikram yoga class to the mansion and talks to the girls about dates. Because this is a show about dating and one of them is about to go on a date. But we quickly get some commentary from Amber about how the dates are NEVER for her and how she’s really desperate waiting around for a guy to ask her out. Yah. That’s pretty much the premise of this show. Lisa also says something not that important, but it is at this point that I really notice that deep voice of hers. Maybe she and Blake are related? Now THAT be a twist I could get on board with.
Amber’s desperation misses out and the date goes to Sam. Amber throws one of her tanties. Sam pretends to feel bad. But then she finds Blake Vader posing in front of an old car that he pretends to know stuff about. She looks happy again. They talk about cars. I’m sensing this car theme again, guys.
They drive for a bit but then stop at a set of lights where he tells her to, “remember this moment.” Of sitting in peak-hour traffic. Magic.
Blah blah they go to a drive-in movie. But before they can partake in the beauty of cinema they pay a visit to Tasty Shakes* and her diner for some old-school burgers and fries. Tasty Shakes does a really awkward pirouette thing on her skates and brings them a banana split. Vader sincerely tells Sam he will try to, “not get any on your face.”
STOP. IT.
Because romance.
He then takes Sam to the hire car and she settles in, preparing to watch some old-school movie she’ll have to pretend to like. But no! Oh my god, they’re going to watch The Life of Sam. Obvi I am just waiting for Mike Munro to walk out from behind that screen with his red book and majestically narrate Sam’s life story. No no. Instead we see lots of lame pictures of Sam at parties and some footage that could be any random young child dancing around a room. But we do learn that Sam’s constant upward inflection is a trait also shared by her sister/mother person/lady.
Vader tells a teary-eyed Sam that this was his way of thanking her. For what I’m not at all sure, but I am pretty sure that he was actually enjoying a green smoothie with Osher when the video editors knocked this up.
GROUP DATE!
Amber’s tanty comes through for her and she gets a spot on the group date to….a race track. Cue many amazing puns on finding a co-pilot on the “road to love”. Diana reveals that she is ready to show Blake the roadmap to her open heart. Gross.
The deal is, the bitches have to be blindfolded and drive through an obstacle course with only Richard Mercer to guide them with his gearstick voice. Now, I actually hate the assumption that women are bad drivers. Bloody HATE IT. Considering I am one of the best parallel and reverse parkers you will ever meet, I almost take it personally. But girls…COME ON. You all suck.
More puns about roads and feelings without anyone getting run over. Chantal wins the aforementioned blindfolded challenge and gets some alone time with Vader. Speeding around the track in another car. She’s again coming across all rational and articulate, until the producers notice that Blake is having trouble keeping up with her and suddenly she switches to talking about sexy cars. Vader remembers the sexy car he got to drive today and the light returns to his eyes. Crisis averted, guys.
But then later, Amber shows up to the mansion with a rose?! How did she get it? WHEN did she get it? Did she drug the props assistant and steal it from his cold, dead hands? Does Blake know about this?
Whatever, she lauds it over all the other bitches like NO ONE’S BUSINESS and they all stare at her and wish they had a flock of rabid horses at their disposal to allergy her to death.
At the Rose Ceremony, Katrina the musician declares that she hasn’t had enough alone time with Barry White apart from small talk and such and so has….*tear*…written him a letter. She gracefully pulls the document out of the boob area of her dress (because class) and gifts it to an unsuspecting Blake. I’ll be honest here. The episode that I downloaded wigged out on me at this point and went all fuzzy and bejiggity. These are technical terms. But I’m pretty sure I can assume what happened:
Katrina: I wrote you a letter. It’s in my boob.
Vader: A letter? With your hands?
Katrina: It’s about feelings. My feelings. I thought you’d want to know about my feelings.
Vader: I like feelings. And cars.
Katrina: Here is the letter. I was drunk when I wrote it.
Vader: Thank you. My hair stylist will enjoy reading this.
Yes? Yes. There is also a drawing involved in this boob letter but I just don’t have enough time or energy to get into that. It’s basically hideous though.
Luckily, Vader isn’t too perturbed by strange, voodoo portraits of himself, and Katrina sticks around. Some poor girl called Lauren gets the heel in the arse and has her flame extinguished. She mustn’t like cars. I wonder if there’ll be cars next episode? Stay tuned…
*Tasty Shakes = may not be her actual name
You had one job, Mike.
PART TWO – THE CHINESE GARDEN OF BITCHINESS
*SPOILER ALERT*
I’m not very happy about the ending of this episode, but i’mma try to get through this part as best I can without throwing an Amber bitch fit.
We open with a sunrise over rocks. And water. Seems legit. The ladies are sitting around the drawing room in their playsuits pretending to like each other. Also legit. Any minute Osher should come gliding through the door with a date card to talk to them about dating. But it doesn’t happen. He. Doesn’t. Show. Up.
Did he do too many downward dogs and pass out? Maybe he choked on his chia pudding? The questions fly through my head before I’m distracted by Chantal’s announcement that tonight will be a double date with only one bitch declared the survivor. They are told they have one hour to make themselves look hotter than the other one. But who will it be?
Turns out Barry White must have had nightmares over Katrina’s boob letter/drawing thing because she’s selected. Along with Zoe. The other curly-haired girl. Someone makes the very astute observation that they are two different people. Yeah, but guys, they both have curly hair! Obviously, there can only be one curly-haired girl. (I legit said that out loud about a second before Laurina said the exact same thing. And then I vommed a little in my soul; are we becoming the same person?! HELP!)
So Kat is a musician kinda like Holly was a netballer. And Zoe is a pharmacist in Vanuatu. So she wears a lot of maxi dresses. Yep. They are saaaaah different.
They arrive at the Chinese Garden of Friendship/Drama and Vader looks honestly relieved that he’ll only have one curly-haired girl’s name to remember after today.
They both change into matching (and also slighty racist) Chinese gowns and sit down to dinner. Now, hear me out, but here in my house we are starting to think that Vader may be a little bit of a secret homo. Because just like any good gay husband, his Craydar was switched to maximum power, picking up on the underlying der-rama between the two curly-haired girls. Neither was overly willing to get the claws out in front of him, so instead they just had an awkward chat about not really knowing each other, while secretly whispering death curses under their breath. Honestly? Barry White looked disappointed. I know I was.
But no matter, because the chefs were right behind them bringing in a selection of weird and wonderful dishes that they were all going to try. And by weird and wonderful, I mean just weird. Like sea cucumber and duck tongue. Which led to the call of the night (and possibly the season) when young Katrina declared, “I just tongued a duck.” I feel like we could be friends.
Evidently Katrina made the duck call because she is clearly being out-shone by Zoe in the curly-haired girl stakes. So she recites pretty much the same speech her counsellor has been giving her about being deep for the last few years. I just can’t even. If there’s nothing a guy likes more, it’s a random regurgitated psychoanalysis. Because feelings.
In an effort to get home to the non-curly-haired women, Richard Mercer quickly pulls each girl aside for a moment to chat. Zoe is v v rational and normal (and boring) but then tells us that she’s 99.9% sure the conversation went really badly. Obvi because being rational and logical is punishable by death on this show.
But not to Richard Mercer, because he keeps her around and sends the other curly-haired girl home. At this point, I’m looking for a white rose again, but it’s no where to be seen. Looks like that gimmick sank quicker than Kirsty Alley’s Jenny Craig contract. What he does give her, however, is a bloody diamond bracelet! Wait, make that a 64-DIAMOND BRACELET. Because Vader likes to do math, he needs to point out how many diamonds are in this bracelet that he didn’t buy for her. Maybe he got it from the same dealer he gets all his sexy cars from?
Back at the mansion, the bitches get mail. “What do you reckon it is?” asks one of them. I’mma go out on a limb here girls and say it’s someone’s acceptance latter to Yale. No wait, I was wrong, it’s a date card. SURPRISE!
Hide your crucifixes and your incense, ladies, because Anita is staying home this week! Luckily she still has that cocker spaniel hidden somewhere in the mansion to play with.
Ooh ooh, it’s a Psycho Beach Party! Well, not really, but a Psycho, Sexy Pool Party, proudly sponsored by Ikea Living. There are even fake flamingos.
Guys, it’s a pretty non-event where the bitches get naked and cheer on Vader to take his shirt off like any good stripper. Princess Diana gets a moment to chat with Vader and they awkwardly hold hands while she says travelling a lot. Because travel. All this travel talk makes Blake feel sad that he isn’t as travel as Diana, so he goes and talks to Louise. Who, just bee tee dubs, is wearing the most inappropriate earrings for a pool party! I’m sorry, I don’t care what medication you are on, but dangly, ornate earrings are not suitable poolside attire. And don’t even get me started on the make up and hair. For some reason, Louise thought they were shooting a Harpers Bazaar feature in the Maldives. Sweetie, this is a backyard in Sydney. Get your effing hair wet.
Speaking of hair, we’re back at the Rose Ceremony, and someone has obviously picked up on my disapproval of Kara’s hair, because this week she’s had the once over with the ghd and some smoothing serum.
Anita is back in action and steals Barry White away for a moment to have an “in-death” talk. Guys, that was not a typo. Not in-depth; she said “in -death”. Someone hold me.
Her idea is to ask him lots of questions and get to know more about him, but what happens instead is she giggles manically and spills her life plan of living in his attic and having ten million of his babies. Blake is understandably terrified, but remembers that as long as he keeps Anita in the game, Mr Important Executive will keep hiring fancy cars for him to drive. Moral Quandary!
OSHER! He finally shows up after his spray tan has dried and gives them all another maths lesson. Apparently TWO bitches are going home tonight! Wait, what?! But…but….that curly-haired already left earlier in the episode.
Look, Channel 10, we had this problem last year. You can’t do this to me! They are dropping like flies! NO. Just NO. I will not accept this from you.
But as if to rub salt in the wound, both Diana AND Anita are sent home from Whore Island. I am not OK with this. Look, I was under no silly impression that Richard Mercer kept them in the game because he ACTUALLY liked them, but for realz? Both at the same time?! I’m crying into my Maltesers when…
POST-EPISODE DER-RAMA
NEW GIRLS ARE COMING!!!
Just like in Big Brother, we are getting Intruders next week. The current bitches are pissed. I am overjoyed. Omigod, remember Miriam the intruder from BB? I wonder if any of these girls have a penis too….
No, Channel 10. One bitch at a time.
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