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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: Dear (Total Girl) Diary…

23 Aug

Hoo boy… I feel as though I’m gonna be using that phrase on the reg this season.

 

First of all, I’m sorry, but there are some woman on this show who are already losing their Cotton On panties over a man they barely know. I mean, why am I so surprised? I’ve written about this bloody show since it’s first season, but there’s just….something about this lap around the track that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

It could just be the facial hair. Idk.

 

Okay so obviously the producers are straight up exploiting Cass’ distorted emotions for ratings and I hate to admit that I am here for it. They throw her a big ol’ bone by way of a single date card hint about “…paths crossing before,” but alas, they are referring to Nick’s possible second cousin Britt-Ann-Y.

Cass looks as crushed as I did the day I accidentally found out Santa Claus was most likely just my mum and dad with different hand-writing. She runs off to journal her feelings in her Total Girl diary.

Meanwhile, Britt-Ann-Y is invited to board Nick’s vessel which I wish was a funny euphemism I made up myself but it’s actually real words he yelled at her. Turns out Britt has got some serious sexy-eye problems and goes about this single date as if Bachie Badger is whispering sweet nothings in her ear, when really he’s explaining how to jam her foot in a hole.

#AussieRomance.

 

Mmm…footgolf…

 

 

Eventually they are in a pool and we get some of my favourite Pool Pashing meaning Britt is the lucky recipient of the First Real Pash (soz Romy). I gotta say, them curls of his in the water are both kind of hot but also remind me of a wet poodle so my lady parts are confused.

Luckily, there is no confusion on Cousin Britt’s side, and there’s some more pashing before she accepts a rose.

 

GROUP DATE

Sometimes I feel like once the lame photo shoot date in episode 2 is done, the producers literally stop giving a f*** about what they get the women to do the rest of the time. Case in point: this date.

It sucks.

Nothing really interesting happens but it seems to be sport based because Bachie Badger is full sport. Sport.

 

I don’t know sport but I’m almost positive this isn’t what it is.

 

Silver lining – Vanessa Sunshine wins the challenge and still doesn’t crack a smile and good God I love her. She’s the Kim Day to Nick’s Kel Knight and everyone in Australia is on board. Except maybe Nick but who gives a f*** what he wants. Probably sport though.

Ironically, during the ad breaks are the updates about the #LibSpill and can we just elect Vanessa Sunshine as new Prime Minister because I have a gut feeling she’d do a bang up job.

 

VS for PM 2018 

 

Meanwhile, Brooke, who still has the Sex Key in case you’d forgotten, is starting to sweat bullets because it’s been a whole 3 days and she hasn’t had a lot of time with Bachie Badger and I don’t wanna be mean about it, but honestly bebe, I was hoping you’d save that Sex Key for a time when he already had a girl in his house and you’d bust open the door ala Jim Carey in The Cable Guy and just make yourself at home slash maybe start a sex fight. (I don’t even know what a sex fight would be but it sounds entertaining.)

Urgh, she panic-uses the damn Sex Key and goes over first thing in the bloody morning for Bacon and Egg McMuffins and football. SNORE.

You’re killing me, Brooke. Although I like that you wore your pajamas because that is definitely a mood but don’t pretend you’re some “Cool Girl” because I can still see your bronzer and eyeshadow. I’m no fool.

They eventually play some sport and then pash because us viewers deserve that at least and we’re sick of watching sport things.

Good bye Sex Key. You were a bigger let-down than Britney’s 2010 Comeback Concert.

 

Good one, BROOKE. 

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

FINALLY! Some interesting shit is happening by way of Bintang Cat and her bestie Romy just being meanies to everyone. Does anyone else kind of love the drama but then hate themselves for loving women being bitches? Asking for a friend.

HOLD UP.

Cass has appeared from behind a fake bush and SHE IS HOLDING HER DIARY COULD THIS BE REAL PLEASE OSHER MAKE IT REAL!

She and Nick sit down and already you can see his pupil’s are dilated to the max, ready for the attack. Cass is in full-blown Zero Chill Mode and I am so goddamn ready. She looks sweaty.

THE WOMAN IS READING FROM HER LITERAL DIARY ABOUT HOW SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AT FITNESS FIRST AND SOMETHING ABOUT A PRECIOUS MOMENT IN TIME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

 

Curse Total Girl magazine for giving out free diaries!

 

I definitely do feel like I can see the poor girl’s heart beating through her chest and maybe she’ll just start bleeding idk.

Guys, this is intense. Cass is just staring at him like I would imagine a giant crocodile would stare at you right before it ripped your small intestine out. #straya.

I just feel so sorry for this girl because they obviously boned one time and because she is a mere 23 she has caught the feels and written it all down in her diary and Nick is legit acting like every damn f***boi who sleeps with a girl once and then pretends he barely knows her and I’m kind of mad at Cass for perpetuating that myth that women fall in love with every penis they meet this is so frustrating.

But then the internet brought us this:

 

 

And once again we are all reminded why we are here.

Cass is definitely getting a rose but not because Nick likes her but because she is giving all the producers drama boners. She is too pure for this world.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Der-rama! Three whole women are going home tonight and honestly, Bachie Badger just looks relieved because spinning yarns with this many women makes for tiring work. But maybe also a very nice scarf.

Sadly for me he farewells Energy Healer Cayla as well as the Cayla who jumped in the pool. Lol. What a time to be alive that was.

Some other girl whose name I’ve forgotten is also let go but no one has any time to look her up on Ten Play because Non-Pool-Jumping Cayla is breaking protocol and asking Nick to step outside with her so they can talk. My God I hope she smudges his aura with her sage stick.

Close.

She basically just tells him about the Mean Girls group and how Cat, Romy and their other non-descript mate are big ol meanies.

Obviously, Bachie Badger ain’t well versed in lady talk so he just thanks her awkwardly and then throws her in a limo quicker than you can say, “rose quartz”.

 

Bye Cayla. I hope I find you again at the Mind Body Spirit Festival.

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 6 recap: A Typical Aussie Honey Badger

16 Aug

Hoy boy, this season is going to be a cracker.

 

Hello, welcome back, put on your best footy jersey (lol I don’t own one of those) and get comfy.

 

It’s Bachie Season of the Honey Badger kind, and let me just say, this first episode was already more Aussie than Scotty Cam and Alf Stewart selling dollar snags at Bunnings.

 

Would be so proud.

 

Look, I know very little about this Nick Cummins/Honey Badger person and, to be frank, I’m not very willing or interested in researching him much further than the fact that he played football and has a pretty wide vocabulary of cooked expressions.

Oh and I can’t decide if I want to smoosh his weird face or punch it.

I’ll get back to you.

Bachie Badger has allegedly fallen in love twice (according to his Instagram, both times with offensively good looking women) but missed the goal posts thus far. He’s hoping that three times’ the charmer and I guess being the meat in a husband competition sandwich seems like the right way to go. (I’m sorry, I have no idea if that analogy made any sense.)

He’s very very Typical Aussie Bloke because he likes sport and shit and makes super ocker jokes all the time and calls women sheilas. Put him in an old Penguin shirt and some stubbies, and he could be any Queenslander’s drunk uncle.

 

Yeah! Sport!

 

Anyway, we don’t care about him we only care about the poor women who have been sitting in a limo full of cheap champagne for the last 5 hours.

 

Here are my favourites/ones to watch:

Shannon: First horse outta the stocks (is that how that goes?) Definitely wifey material because they did a whole big background thing on her and she rides a skateboard. SO COOL! She also laughs a lot and opens her mouth real wide so I feel like there might be some good groper fish-style jokes in the works for me. She’s a “Car Care Specialist” which I guess means she works at Repco??

Brooke: Also a definite wifey and because Channel 10 wanna make it super clear they don’t ONLY cast skinny white women, she makes a big point about being Indigenous. I’m here for her. Except when she carries not one, but two footballs out of the limo with her and then actually says to the camera that she’s really relieved Bachie, “likes sports” because that’s definitely not a thing that 90% of straight men like. They are obviously soulmates.

Carla: Energy Healer. Here for the entertainment value as opposed to the romance because her theme music was not dissimilar to when Lisa Simpson played the jug. Gives Bachie Badger a 2kg rose quartz crystal that has the blood of her enemies good energy in it. She is straight up loopy and I obviously love her. (Side note: apparently there is another Carla but this is the only one I care about).

Dark Haired Travel Lady: Legit have forgotten her name but she has dark hair and is super dooper travel. So much so, that Bachie proclaims it has made her suuuuuch a mature and interesting person after only meeting her for 60 seconds. They were also born in the same town around the same time so they might be related idk?

Cass: DER-RAMA! Cass has “history” with this Typical Aussie Bloke and freaks the funk out when she sees him. The Producers ask her if she’s okay and whether there was any romantic interaction in the past but she stays pretty coy about the whole thing. When she finally fronts up to Bachie Badger, he laughs awkwardly and yells, “Hello hello!” which means they definitely boned. Cass is only 23 and has terrible hair extensions and absolutely zero chill.

 

My horoscope in New Idea said this was going to happen.

 

Dasha: She’s Russian and good looking and I don’t know what else to really say about her except vodka, which she drinks at the cocktail party and because I use cheap jokes.

Cat: Cat is from Bali and actually lives in Bali you know where Bali is right? Yeah she’s from Bali. She’s sarcastic AF and will definitely be pinned as a villain.

Vanessa Sunshine: OK WAIT EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This woman introduces herself as Vanessa Sunshine but…is her name hyphenated like Vanessa-Sunshine or is Sunshine her last name and she just really likes saying the whole thing? WHAT IS GOING ON WE MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!! I actually couldn’t concentrate because my brain was working harder than it has in weeks and I still don’t know how her name works but I can tell you she is definitely a villain and wouldn’t tell Bachie Badger where she was from because she wanted to remain mysterious. They must keep her.

 

IS IT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?!

 

COCKTAIL PARTY

Okay guys, I’m not gonna waste your time here and bore you with the details because everyone gets drunk and needy as expected. All I need to say is that THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK THE SEX ROSE EXCEPT THIS TIME IT IS A SEX KEY I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

The sex key works the same as when your boyfriend dumps you but you secretly keep a spare key to his front door, meaning you can just roll up any funking time you feel like it. I mean, that’s what I imagine it’s the same as.

It’s a super cute little gold key with a heart on top but this is all a facade for the fact it is a straight up ticket to Bone Town.

Cass is obviously despo for the key and her eyes follow Bachie Badger around all night like the Mona Lisa except creepier because she can talk. And talk she does. About how she wrote Bachie’s name (is it Nick? I’ve forgotten) in her Total Girl diary before coming on this show and here he is it’s like a miracle! Obviously she has no qualms in explaining all of this to him and someone please swoop in and save the poor girl before she completely loses her damn mind.

Mystic Meg’s gonna pay for this.

 

But, you know, Bachie is a Typical Aussie Bloke so he doesn’t tell her he’s creeped out to her face, he just laughs awkwardly and does quick mental maths about how long before he can ghost her.

Oh, there’s also some der-rama about some girl called Sophie dating Cat’s ex-boyfriend because they’re both from Brisbane and I am also from Brisbane so I don’t like what is being insinuated here. Anyway, it’s not that exciting and is 100% fabricated by the production team; good attempt, guys.

One woman who I have never seen decides to be CRAAAAAYZAY and jumps into the pool but unfortunately, Bachie Badger is too busy sticking his snout in someone else’s dirt to notice, so she just kind of wallows about in the shallow end until the hair and make up lady gets mad and yanks her out.

Brooke gets the first rose AND THE SEX KEY because she is super into football and can pull off a one-shouldered cape like some sort of feminist Batman.

 

I am a football-loving woman. The city of Gotham needs me!

 

ROSE CEREMONY

You guys are bloody experts at this by now, so you don’t need me to tell you that all the nutcases and villains stay (yayyy!) and three women who got absolutely zero air time leave.

The last one to get a rose is Vanessa Sunshine so she is obviously getting paid back for trying to by mysterious because Typical Aussie Blokes don’t like that shit, mate.

 

And that’s about it, my friends! I’m not 100% sold on this Honey Badger person but I am looking forward to the challenge of coming up with terrible outback-inspired puns every week, so… there’s that.

Let’s hope this season goes off like a raw prawn!

 

The “Sunshine” is silent. 

 

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

16 Sep

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

 

kim-day

Thin ice, Richie.

 

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

 

cool-bananas

#unforgettable

 

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

 

mummy-banana

It’s all making sense now…

 

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

 

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2:  “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak. 

 

monkey-crazy

ROMANCE!

 

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

 

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

 

taylor-i-told-you

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

 

nikki-losing

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

 

alex-and-richie

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

 

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

 

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

 

osher-going-home

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

The Bachelor Season 4: Homeward Bound

9 Sep

Aside from the Dates with Sex episodes (which no longer exist, technically, despite my numerous letters to Channel 10 – I’m never gonna let it go, guys) it’s my other favorite episode! Bachie meets the parents! I’ve always loved grilled banana as a dessert, and now I get to see it in human form. That sounded weird…

Not content with shirtless squat thrusts or lat pulls (yeah, I know exercise) we’ve now moved on to shirtless shaving. Bachie Bananas poignantly reflects on his four girlfriends while he shaves the minimal stubble from his cheek. Obviously it is very difficult to do this with a shirt on. And obviously one must follow up their shirtless shaving with a healthy smoothie before there can be any elimination of girlfriends. Eat lean, shave clean.

 

shaving

Oh gosh this is a difficult job

 

ALEX

So Alex has been hiding something from us. She lives in a funking winery apparently. There are LOTS of horses, fresh air and nature. And grapes. Alex does some serious grapes thinking about how the man who made her eat lamb’s guts would be such a great father to her kid.

Now that I know where you live, babe, I’d be your baby daddy, NBD.

Bachie Bananas explains to us that Single Mum Alex is, “like no one I’ve ever met – strong, beautiful and intelligent.” Sooo…I guess that makes the other three girls barnyard slappers? I sometimes think he just forgets what show he’s the star of. Poor pet.

Alex explains that, although it is hometown dates and the idea is for her communal boyfriend to be roasted by her proud family members, she has decided NOT to introduce Richie to her son. This is super disappointing…for me. Surprise surprise, Bachie Bananas is almost as bad at pretending to be disappointed as he is pretending to not be reading off cue cards. He tells her that he totes understands and practically wipes the sweat off his brow.

(Then they do that flashback to when Alex showed him the photo album of Elijah and she said that, “put a name to a face” thing, which still annoys me to no end. IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND! He’s putting a FACE to the NAME! Am I the only one who was bothered by this? Probs.)

Regardless, NOT introducing your communal boyfriend to your naive, impressionable child is a rookie mistake, Alex. Remember last year when Snezana introduced Woody to her daughter Eve on hometown visits to LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN? I know it seems perhaps a little unreasonable to expose a child to this kind of emotional risk, but this is The Bachelor babe – the laws of reason are redundant. Gawd, who even ARE you, Alex?! WHO ARE YOU?!

So for now we have to settle for Alex’s other family – her mum, sister and brother.  There is nothing I love more than an overly- protective brother, and Alex’s bro, Adam, is adequetely terrifying. And dem brows… on fleek. Adam’s brows run through the usual protective brother gauntlet of questions until he straight up asks Bachie if he’s ever cheated on a girlfriend before? No offense, Adam, but… that is basically the entire premise of this show. The best part is that Richie says no…

 

faith-kissing

Umm..remember dis?

nikki-kiss

Or dis? 

 

But then he mentions that, “he sees that kind of thing in his job,” quite often as he’s flying in and out of different cities.

HOLD UP.

They FLY ropes technicians around the country? Where can I study this?! What even IS a ropes technician?!

However, I know it’s early days, but I’m gonna give MVP to Adam and his brows for the most on-point comment ever in the history of this season. After listening to Sir Bananas awkwardly stumble through the conversation, Adam says, “I feel like he’s said this a thousand times before.”

 

adam-brows

The brows know.

 

Ten points to Gryffindor! You are absolutely correct, my friend. This is pretty much what we’ve all been bitching about since July!

Oh yeah, Alex reveals she loves Richie. We know.

 

OLENA

Of course they’ve got Olena doing some sexy exercising. It’s tennis. She’s doing some serious tennis thinking.

Because she’s Ukrainian with a former boxing champion for a dad, they’re trying to give her a bit of a Jelena Dokic spin. Remember that tennis player with the crazy ass dad who beat people up and went to jail? Yeah I’d be scared too.

 

Prison guards escort Damir Dokic to the courtroom for the retrial, Thursday, Sept. 24, 2009, in Ruma, northwest of Belgrade, Serbia.  The father of tennis player Jelena Dokic, Damir Dokic was sentenced recently to 15-months in jail on charges that he "endangering the security" of the Australian ambassador in Belgrade and unlawful possession of weapons, but a retrial was ordered after a higher court annulled the first verdict.(AP Photo/Srdjan Ilic)

 

The most amusing thing that happens is that Richie is super shit at tennis and gets his bananas handed to him by Olena. He tries to save face by reminding us he’s been taking her on, “these extravagant dates,” so it’s kinda nice to just be kicking it on a tennis court.

Mate, who you kidding?

 

mud

Remember dis? #extravagant

 

They approach Olena’s house where Richie should basically just prepare to die, when Olena reassures him she’s shitting bricks. I don’t wanna be racist, but if that doesn’t secure a girl Australian citizenship, I dunno what would. Olena is now my favorite.

We meet Olena’s family, i.e. her terrifying father, and what follows is fifteen minutes of Richie desperately trying to seem tough and get Daddy Dokic to like him:

Richie: I took Olena on a motorbike. I love motorbikes. Please like me, I’m super tough, I promise.

Dad: I f*cking hate bikes. And now I’mma beat tha shiiit outta you. Kthnxbye.

And that’s what happens. He takes him outside to the boxing bag and we watch as another member of the Olena family hand Richie his own, now squashed, bananas. It’s excellent television. Better yet, Dad still haaates him.

 

boxing-richie

Haha! Please like me!

 

And so does Olena’s sister. Girl is just, “Like, don’t you feel weird him dating other chicks? Isn’t that weird?! It’s f*cking weird.”

(MENULOG MENULOG! OLENA’S FAMILY USE MENULOG!)

For a solid minute or so I thought Olena’s scary dad and sassy sister were going to team up and beat the crap out of Richie.

But there was no fight. I’m disappointed. I stopped paying attention. But I remember they sneaked in a pash before dad came back out with his boxing gloves on.

 

RACHEL

Rachel is over in Perth doing some serious beach thinking. She wonders why, since they’re both from Perth, it’s taken them THIS long to meet?

Look, I’ve never been to Perth but I’m fairly sure it’s a big place. Like, I’m from the smallest city ever (Brisbane) and I still managed to avoid my primary school boyfriend for fifteen years and we lived a few suburbs apart. (We had a bad break-up. There were tazos and another girl’s erasers involved. I don’t wanna talk about it.)

Already we know she’s going home. He’s using complicated phrases like, “big enough of a connection” and the like. And she also has not-blonde hair.  “You’re always good at everything, Richie,” the poor girl laughs. Yeah. Except for sentences. Not so good at that.

Wait, is this amazing beach shack she’s taken him to her HOUSE? Be still my beating heart…what is this place? Fish and chips, champagne, a gentle sea breeze? This is my dream home. Okay, take a breath, Lauren. It’s just a restaurant. Calm down.

They arrive at Rachel’s parents ACTUAL home. Is that a bottle of Ricca Donna I see in her hand? Suddenly it’s 2005.

Not-Blonde Rachel tells us that her dad has super good intuition and that whatever he decides of Richie will pretty much be it for her. So he’s some sort of fortune teller. That’s cool.

 

fortune-teller

I have a feeling he’ll pick the blondes.

 

Nothing else that interesting happens until they sit down to dinner. There are a lot of dudes at the table with long hair. I have no idea who they are but they are probably related to Rachel.

Someone else related to Rachel is her sister who is basically the Overly Protective Brother Adam in this scenario except with lady parts. She asks Bachie Bananas if he is in love with Rachel and then sits back and watches him try and say words for about five minutes. On the other hand, sis does have blonde hair, so part of me is surprised Richie didn’t just tell her she was gorgeous and try and pash her.

 

rachel-sister

Right hair colour. Wrong sister. 

 

For some reason Fortune Teller Dad is getting good vibes from the dude who made his daughter fight other women in hot pants so he gives them his blessing. Then someone says they never throw love around willy-nilly. Because Perth.

I think that was all. She’s going home. I just know it. Sorry dad.

 

NIKKI

Nikki is from some rando town in Western Australia called Northam, a.k.a butt-f*ck Idaho. So she does some serious outback thinking.

When Richie arrives they do this really awkward thing called a conversation on the top of Northam lookout while the semi-trailers zoom past. Nikki explains that her family are from the racing industry and I don’t really know what that means, but I hope it involves a lot of drinking and people taking off their shoes.

SURPRISE! They go to the races. But there’s no one else there. Probs cos no one else lives in Northam.

Eventually, they get sick of sitting on a Random Sex Couch at the races and head to Nikki’s palatial home because I’m almost positive “being in the racing industry” means her family might be Northam royalty. Everyone in her family like Richie because obviously Nikki is going to win, so they’d better.

Except for her Aussie AF brother-in-law Snowy who is.not.having.a.bar.of.it.

This guy means business and takes Richie outside to drink beer and grill shit on a barbecue.

I don’t really know what Snowy stands for, but I do know that this is ICE COLD #seewhatididthere. Although I’ve already given MVP to Brother Adam, I’m going to give Best Playmaker of the evening to Snowy for this nugget of wisdom:

“Just imagine the worst point of your life. Don’t worry about all their fancy shit and what they look like and stuff.” Yes, Snowy. Yes.

 

snowy

Can grill. 

 

Once again, nothing really interesting happens after that. Nikki tells her sister she’s in love with a man she’s spent all of a day or two with. Her sister seems to be on board. Just pick her already, Richie. For realz. I’m tired.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Guys, I’m not even going to waste your time here. I was right. Rachel goes home because she dared to keep her natural brunette roots visibly brunette, how very dare she. She takes it well though and manages to put one last one on the board for us classy girls of the brunette variety.

Alex cries at how lucky she is to still be in the running for Bachie’s bananas. Olena kind of looks annoyed. Nikki just knows she’s got this.

I hate to say it but good God I’m looking forward to this season ending and I haven’t even watched half of it.

 

tired-gif

This is me. 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 4: Stuck in Richie’s Mud

1 Sep

After (another) forced hiatus, I’m back again. And what an episode to come back with, amiright??!!

Jks, it was not interesting at all.

Guys, is it just me or is this the most snore-worthy season of Bachie everrrr? I mean, maybe it’s the fact I’ve been watching, re-watching and writing about it for four years that literally nothing impresses my stone-cold heart anymore, but somehow, I don’t think that’s the case!

But let’s not spend this entire post bitching and complaining because that is totally not my style AT ALL…

 

alec bored

What he said.

Obviously I have missed a decent chunk of Bachie Tribal Council because there are only seven bitches left. As usual, they are sitting around the Tuscan Mansion that Spotlight Built, as usual, talking about how much they miss their collective boyfriend and, as usual, worrying about who is going to get time alone with his Banana in exchange for some sort of humiliating task.

Intruder Lady (is it Steph? Steffy? I legit have no idea) is the only intruder left and is all like, “Haha, am I always gonna be that intruder girl to you all? Like in ten years are you still gonna call me that? Haha!” And the others are all like, “Haha, no babe, not at ALL…. But srzly, yes you are. We can’t wait for you to go.”

As usual, Osher shows up in some sort of lovely Roger David number and gives them all a quick maths lesson to explain how important it is that they go on more than one date with the man who may become their future Logies escort. The date goes to Nikki. It’s her second; she is blonde (tick), pretty (tick), and doesn’t cause any drama (tick). She is probs going to win.

SINGLE DATE

Apart from Nikki’s slayin leather pants (dayum, gurl!) and Richie showing up in Foghorn Leghorn’s car, the whole thing is super funking beige.

 

foghorn car

Real life reenactment of Nikki getting picked up.

Bachie Bananas takes Nikki to Australia’s third-oldest pub because she’s a country girl and obviously loves pubs and hay bales. I legit don’t understand why they take country girls on country dates? Don’t these poor women get enough of that farm shit at home?! It would be akin to a guy saying to me, “Hey you like to write stuff, so I thought I would take you to Officeworks!”

(No, but srzly, I would actually love that. I guess my argument is now moot.)

I can pretty much narrow down their entire date to one repeated conversation:

*The theme song from Beaches plays in the background*

Richie: I’m really looking forward to picking up where we left off.

Nikki: Yeah because you’re perfect for me.

Richie: Wow, yeah, haha, well it’s just so great to pick up where we left off.

Nikki: I agree. You’re just like, the perfect guy for me.

 

Somebody make it stop.

 

phoebe madness

 

At this point my computer crapped itself and I could only hear the episode while staring at a frozen image of a Lite’n’Easy meal. I actually do not think it made an ounce of difference. It sounded like they went to some other country-themed location, probably equipped with a Random Sex Couch (and cheese, hopefully) while a cool band called The Morrisons played country music for them. Because country.

 

muppet band

What I imagine The Morrisons looked like.

Dancing, kissing, kissing, dancing, face touching, talking, kissing, awkward laughing, talking, face touching, kissing, Nikki admits she’s fallen in love after two dates.  The end.

I actually think looking at the Lite’n’Easy meal was more entertaining. I mean, it WAS Roast Chicken, but still…

GROUP DATE

Yeaya! It’s an All-In. There are only seven of them so the producers need to squeeze every single drop of potential der-rama and bitchiness out of this. They continue to play villain music every time Rachel says something mildly honest because she is obviously the not-so-brunette villain now that my spirit animal, Keira, got the boot. Poor Rachel. As they say, it’s hard out there for a pimp brunette.

The girls worry that they’ll have to shove lamb guts down their throats again and so seem legitimately relieved when they discover they simply have to struggle through a mud-covered obstacle course. Because perspective.

Bachie Bananas explains that they’re gonna, “get down and dirty” and unfortunately, that’s not a euphemism. They will actually be running through the dirt and nature in their own Tough Mudder challenge. I would never even consider competing in Tough Mudder for the real-life satisfaction and achievement, let alone to win ten minutes of time with a brunette-discriminating ropes technician.

The twist today, however, is that they won’t be competing against each other.

 

PARDON? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!

 

No, no. Apparently they are going to “work together”. To win a challenge only one of them can actually win. Yeah this makes total logical sense.

They climb over walls, jump into ice buckets and wriggle through mud together, all the while bitching about who is standing closest to Richie and how much they don’t actually care about working as a team. Rachel makes some very relevant bitchy jokes about how they all suck because they’re blonde and, again, she’s the only brunette which isn’t actually true because Kiki is still there, plus she’s more a J.Lo-esque bronde, so….

 

tough mudder

Yay! Teamwork! 

Olena pulls out the big guns ifyouknowwhaddamean and challenges Bachie Bananas to a one-on-one mud race. He agrees awkwardly, visibly worried that he is going off-script here and might have to end up paying for the sponsor-gifted muscle singlet he’s wearing. Olena does a total Randall from Monsters Inc and crawls through that mud like she has reptilian blood.

THEN she seals the deal by pouring an entire water bottle over herself to hose off in front of Richie, NBD. Needless to say, his Cool Bananas are no longer able to remain very cool and she wins the challenge.

 

olena mud

Don’t. F*ck. With. Olena. 

Sitting on their Random Sex Couch, Olena basically reminds him that she ate mud for him so he better kiss her/tell her she’s beautiful/give her a rose or else. He does all of these things because Olena now has magic sexy water bottle powers over him.

ROSE CEREMONY

Also super boring because, as stated earlier, seven bitches equals not a lot of drama. I don’t even think the newly instated Batman vs Superman soundtrack can save this one.

Single Mum Alex is convinced that Intruder Lady Sophie/Steph/Stacey is going home because when it comes to relationships, spending the most amount of time with a man is the number one way to win him over and take your deserving place at his side; screw the chemistry he may have with other ladies; that is NOT how love works, y’all.

 

crazy girlfriend

Alex explains it all. 

Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith is doing her usual thing of being blonde and staying positive, also assuming that her super deep connection with Bachie Bananas will win her another week in the Mansion over Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S.

I really hate to break it to these girls, but, despite her controversial Intruder-status, Name Starting With S is still a flaxen-haired female, so she is in with a raging chance.

I also wanna say Bachie Bananas wears his camp purple velvet suit as an homage to the late, great, Gene Wilder, but somehow I just don’t think he’s that creative. (And also, this was probably filmed eight months ago.) So let’s just go on the assumption that he does his best Willy Wonka impression to distract us from the fact that he is a total brunette-hater and gives Intruder Lady a rose early in the ceremony because she is not a brunette.

It’s down to Kiki and Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith who, all of a sudden, has lost a lot of her bubble.

Not that she needed to worry because Kiki gets the boot. Because she isn’t blonde. Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?

All this mud and exercise has left both Rachel and Faith extremely disorientated and emotionally exhausted because they practically collapse onto each other; thankful and relieved that their shared ropes technician boyfriend has allowed them to survive another week.

 

faith rachel hug

No, THIS is what perspective looks like.

And so ends both the journey of another non-blonde bachelorette and another fairly beige episode.

Alex better either go postal on erryone or invite them all into the White Rose Sex Den for some real group dating or I am going to need some serious substance assistance to keep this interesting…

kiki is hot

So close to being blonde…so close. 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 4: Like moths to the (Non-Olympic) flame

12 Aug

Do Channel 10 know they don’t have the broadcasting rights to the Olympics?

Tonight was all about the sport, including faux-Olympic flames and podiums, which leads me to believe that the big guys at 10 are trying to pull the wool over our eyes. That, or jump on the Rio bandwagon without having to pay royalties.

The bitches are all casually chilling in their Tuscan kitchen in their black chokers and faux leather skirts lamenting their lack of Banana action. Keira’s lady parts are particularly frustrated when she asks, “Am I just here to look good?” Yeah babe. That’s what you’re all there for. Well, that and make fools of yourselves every couple of days in animal suits. Obviously.

Chandler Gunsberg rocks up in his best khaki shirt and, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! He has TWO date cards at once! No one can take it. You would have thought he’d just produced a live bunny rabbit from his shirt sleeve. How does he DO it?!

GROUP DATE

In a fantastic display of Bachie logic, my new spirit animal Keira complains about having to go on the clearly sports-themed group date. She wonders why they can’t just sit around and chat with their communal boyfriend instead of competing against each other? Which seems a legit question considering this show is precisely about 25 women competing against each other for their communal boyfriend. (Are you getting as sick of this joke as I am?)

The competitors arrive at some place where I’m sure sport is played. There’s an actual funking podium erected in the middle (lol, “erected”) and of course the bitches get super excited about it. They woo-hoo and cheer enthusiastically as if they’re not there to humiliate themselves for a ginger.

But perhaps to placate commentators/feminists/general logically-thinking humans, the producers decide to make Bachie Bananas perform a slightly embarrassing task as well. He appears at the top of the stadium, running in with what appears to be a very poor imitation of the Olympic flame that one of the interns put together with sticky tape and tissue paper.

 

fake flame

Career goals.

However, no-one dares say the word Olympics because Channel 9 will just shut this sh*t right down. Anyway, Richie gleefully runs in to light all the bitches’ flames. Again, more woo-hooing and jumping up and down. I can’t handle it. Srzly, this guy could take a dump and those girls’d throw him a parade.

One would think that all this unspoken Olympic-ness would mean relays and hockey matches. Mmm close, but add in humiliation aids such as inflatable balls and kangaroo suits. The first game involves the bitches getting into aforementioned giant balls and racing each other to the finish line. Faith says what everyone is thinking – “It made my day seeing those giant balls.” Also, every girl on Tinder, ever.

Bachie Bananas gifts us all with his imitation of the ladies running in their inflatable balls. Personally, nothing makes me want to take my clothes off more than the man I’m already competing for doing a smart-arse impression of me.

 

richie crazy arms

How did they get SO lucky?

If running like a hamster on a wheel wasn’t enough, they also have to put up with many Cupid jokes while shooting arrows at each other a heart target. Worse still is Bachie Bananas’ awkward yet overly enthusiastic commentary from the sidelines. “Awwwesome shot! Ha ha ha!” “Oh WOW! That was SOOOOO close! Ha ha ha!”

The final, grand installment is a wrestling match. Yes people, it has literally come to this. The bitches are going to wrestle each other for the chance to touch Bachie’s banana. Throw in Usher’s 2001 album and some Smirnoff blacks and you’ve got every guy I went to high school with’s fantasy.  BUT! Because this is The Bachelor it would be unacceptable for them to just wrestle like common whores. No, they have to wear kangaroo suits. Like, I know I mentioned it in my last post, but seriously this show is basically It’s a Knockout with fake tan and roses.

 

kangaroo wrestle

“It’s a knockout! That’s the name of the game!”

Another reason why Keira may soon replace my regular spirit animal, (Professor McGonagal if you were wondering), is that she does not try one iota to mask her intense dislike for this whole exercise. She stands on the sideline with a sourpuss face that would give Queen Lizzy a run for her money. Bachie Bananas checks that she’s okay -“I’m not nervous. I just don’t wanna do it,” she replies. You can literally see all the f***s she does not give.

 

queen

Above: Keira. (Also this was from the actual Olympics. Double reference!)

The other bitches are OUTRAGED at her blatant disrespect for Bachie Bananas and the fact that she is giving them all a bad name. One of them (don’t care who) then provides the million dollar line of the night: “At least pretend to like it. The guy you like is standing right there!” I have never been so proud to be the owner of a vagina.

Overly bubbly blonde Faith wins the Non-Olympics and the three place getters are legit presented with Bachie-themed medals on the podium. After accepting the gold, Faith is whisked away to a Random Fancy Couch on the other side of the stadium where she and Richie talk about…sports? Feelings? I don’t care. She gets a rose. They kiss. It’s all very white bread.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Kiki. All I know about her is that she did nude modelling. She also refers to herself as a bogan and says Straya a lot. According to the card, her date will involve a lot of “going up and then coming down.” Don’t quote me on that, I just wanted to make sexual innuendo.

Hello ploise, there’s a helicopter! I bet you $100 it’s going to take them to some Random Fancy Couch somewhere in Sydney Harbor.

Oh I’m wrong. But I’m not far off. They go to a Random Fancy Table. It even has a Port-a-Chandelier hanging off of the boom cable. Don’t say the Bachie production crew aren’t afraid to improvise.

But then nothing interesting really happens at all. They talk about being themselves and… love I guess? It’s the verbal equivalent of elevator music. Except Bachie keeps stressing that he’s gotta find out if “there’s a spark there.” Now look, I barely passed Chemistry in high school, but if something is going to “spark” isn’t it pretty damn instant? Like, I don’t ever recall casually waiting around for 20 minutes while electrons attempted to combust with an oxidizing agent. (I have no idea if that is actual science.)

The whole non-eventful date over, Kiki returns to the Mansion that Spotlight Built with a rose in hand. The other bitches crowd around their Tuscan benchtop to grill her about this controversial spark everyone’s talking about. According to Bachie Logic, sparks = kissing and Kiki straight up tells them the date was sans kiss. None of the women are any good at being shocked.

 

smug christian

Oh? You didn’t kiss?

ROSE CEREMONY

My Spirit Animal Keira arrives in what is pretty much the most slayin red onesie I’ve ever seen. When her fellow prisoners tell her she looks super hot tonight, she be like, “Um…I look like this all the time, so…”

Do you need another reason to love her?

Buoyed by the recent shower of compliments, Keira cracks an actual smile when BB approaches her for some alone time. They go over to the swing set/Random Fancy Garden Couch and Richie tries to persuade Keira that she secretly loved wearing a kangaroo suit for him but they end up just doing their awkward waltz again under the wisteria. Meanwhile, a handful of the other girls congregate poolside and poorly pretend not to be watching them with their night vision goggles. Alex is in tears that her shared manfriend is dancing with Keira Farquardt – the Evil Queen Who Doesn’t Like Kangaroo Wrestling. The others agree emphatically and prove that no one ever told them that the acceptable way to deal with jealousy is to drink until you can’t feel your feelings.

 

pool chats

This looks super fun.

The rest of the evening consists of Alex crying and the remainder of the lady buffet sitting around waiting for their f***boy ginger to ask them to go sit on a couch. Snore.

Eventually the actual Rose Ceremony starts and Chandler Gunsberg provides his always astute Bachie maths – something something roses, something something ladies. One lady will go home. By the looks of things, it’ll probably be another brunette, so I dunno what Alex has been sniveling about.

(*Side Note* It’s so nice to hear the Batman score still pumping away in the background like what what. It’s very comforting.)

Each time Bachie Bananas says another bitches name, you can almost see the arrows piercing through Alex’s already bleeding heart. Bet she wishes she tried a bit harder at the Non-Olympics, amiright?

But she really had nothing to worry about because, in the spirit of Olympic patriotism, Richie eliminates the Russian to keep his white Australia team together.

 

russia hockey

Soz, Russia. 

Sasha goes home and Alex lives another day to cry over not using her White Sex Rose.

 

Ahhh… the spirit of the game.