The Bachelor Season 3: Nobody Puts Bitches in a Corner

30 Jul

I’ve…had…the time of my life.

No I never felt this way before…

About a guy I met yesterday.

 

baby lift

This definitely did not happen.

 

Oh the fun just hasn’t stopped in the House that Spotlight Built!

Since yesterday, there has been more sunrises, much seagulls and many water.

Bitches are sitting around the mess hall in their casual Seed daywear. (Hot tip: beige is back, apparently.) Osher and his extra 10 kilos stride in after a gruelling morning of muffins and coffee.

Hold everything!

He’s got a date card, girls. I mean, WHAT are the chances?! All the bitches try and look casual and devil-may-care and they all suck at it.

Dr Anal Glands is worried about not getting private time with Woody because she’s still, “got a lot more to offer than just anal gland chat.” Mm, don’t bet on it, babe.

Jasmin i.e. Fire Hazard, thinks it is v v unfair that one girl gets to spend time with their communal boyfriend. I don’t know where she’s getting this logic from, but I’m worried those fumes from her burning tutu got to her head.

Busy Businesswoman Sarah gets date #1, suckers!

And… SURPRISE! It’s on a boat! Now that’s revolutionary!

Woody is super excited to take Sarah out on the “wawtaaa” and spend time keeling and leaning and other nautical things.

They get cosy with a smart bottle of Yellow and a randomly placed beanbag and BBS begins to recall her infamous “dream” to Sam about how she went on The Bachelor.

You know, I had a dream too…that this date was way more interesting. Snore…

She returns from Dream But Real Date to many many questions from the gang who have been sitting around staring at each other and wondering whether they should’ve just stuck to Tinder. They have ALL the questions:

“Did you see his body?”

“Did you hold his anal gland, I mean, HAND?!” **

 

boat grab

Quick! Hold onto something sturdy…

 

GROUP DATE!

This is the sole reason Episode 2 is always better than Episode 1. Group dates.

Bachie takes 10 of his 19 bitches to a photo shoot in another random mansion somewhere. A lady not competing for a man’s attention is there. I wonder who she is? She looks very out of place. Oh right, she’s the editor of New Idea. Or Woman’s Day… something. She explains all of the bitches are going to do a photo shoot with Woody based on famous movies and the pictures will be published in her magazine.

Errybody loves a bit of cross promotion, amirite?

Sandra is told she will be partaking in a remake of ‘Dirty Dancing’ and the way she completely overreacts makes me wonder if she was kept down a grade or two in primary school.

Unfortunately for Normal Resheal, she is also going to be involved in this shoot. The producers are being A-grade dicks to her to get her to unleash some crazy. Come on guys, at least she showed up in her zany butterfly headband she got from Diva DFO! (No but seriously, never wear that again…)

Parmigiana and Tall Bitch #3 are Bond girls. Tall Bitch #3 looks like a baby giraffe on a tiled floor. She cannot comfortably pose to save her life. The photographer tries to make her feel better by asking her to “drape” over the hood of a car. She doesn’t know what drape means. Girl’s #drapegame needs work.

 

madeleine

Can’t #drape

 

Cool Girl Heather is put in the ‘Great Gatsby’ group. The other two bitches are mad because Cool Girl stands next to Woody, how very dare she, and gets to #drape over his shoulder which is totally unfair because they should be sharing him and his shoulder. Cool Girl makes more dorky jokes.

Back on the dirty dancefloor, Fire Hazard is dressed as Baby, while Sandra, Resheal and Sexy Lumberjack dance around Woody like it’s Friday night at Revolver. Jasmin/Fire Hazard looks pissed because she can’t slut drop but instead has to hold a stupid watermelon. Nobody puts Jasmin in a corner! If you did, she’d probably burn her dress on a candle.

 

dancing

This definitely did happen.

 

Skinny Emily has been gifted with possibly the most thinly-veiled case of favouritism. She gets to hang with Woody in nothing but her underwear and a shirt. Because ‘Ghost’.

Look guys, I don’t usually buy into all this, but HOTDAMN that is some sexy clay! The other bitches look like they want to punch her in the anal gland.

After the photo shoot, the bitches all take a cold shower and get ready for the cocktail party.

Someone figures out that there is serious tension and anxiety over the fact that 19 women are trying to marry the same guy. Cool Girl Heather gets another chance to be cool and dorky. She is basically Emma Stone in ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ but it’s actually starting to irk me. Sorry ladies…

 

emma stone

What she said.

 

Skinny Emily has it in for Heather. She is just Not. A. Fan.

She watches Woody and Cool Girl discuss Mario Kart on the lawn and declares that, “if he’s into Heather, I’m definitely not his type. I like day spas and fancy dinners out.”

Guys, I’m starting to think Emily might be more high maintenance than Osher’s hair.

Jacinda realizes she is on a reality TV dating show and crumbles to pieces; Woody is directed to go into the lounge room  finds Jacinda in tears. He coaches her back out into the bear pit like any good P.E. teacher and a hesitant 8 year-old.

Rose Ceremony!

Osher drops the bombshell that three bitches will be sent packing tonight. THREE! Gawd, this is turning into a bloodbath!

Jacinda worries she has ruined her chances by crying. I mean, the nerve of her to show emotion; this could mean trouble. Luckily, Woody is okay with tears and she gets the first rose. What a sweetheart!

Someone called Ebru gets a rose?!

Cool Girl gets a rose… obviously.

 

cool heather

I got this.

Everyone else gets a rose until there are four left: Tessa, Normal Resheal, Tall Bitch #3 and…..another girl. They all try and stay calm.

………………….

Tall Bitch #3 gets the last rose. Seems Woody is okay with sub-par draping skills.

I feel bad for Normal Resheal. She was just too normal in the end.

Tessa is disappointed too. She explains that she has many more layers to her that Woody never got to see. Mostly made of flannel.

Sexy Lumberjack out.

See you next week, friends.

x

** Please welcome my new writing partner. He will remain unnamed, but he is very funny and will have snide input into this blog from time to time. The hand joke was his.

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