Parliament is now in session!
Before I delve into my educated and impassioned spiel, I do need to share something; I dropped the ball this week. I didn’t organise my calendar very well and so actually missed last night’s episode as I was at work. So I am sitting watching the replay on my computer as we speak. For some cursed reason, there always seems to be a week early on in the season where I become completely incommunicado and unable to fulfil my Bachie duties. I promise to go back to having no life next week and do better.
OKAY.
It’s morning time. The sun rises. Woody comes to the deck. He’s wearing his best Rebel Sports get-up. Woody is really sporty, guys. He owns a fitness company. He can’t possibly start a day of wining and dining bitches without a smart workout.
He tells us that he is 34 and time is of the essence. He really needs a woman he can fall “head ova hoils” for. True story.
Back at the Lincraft Manor, the bitches are, surprisingly, not hanging about the Mess Hall, but rather, have been moved into the much classier-looking Formal Day Room. There are lots of white couches and candles. It could be Osher’s dressing room; hard to say.
Speaking of that glorious weave, Oshy himself steps in the tell the ladies that he has no date card as he and Sam have realised their true feelings for one another and flown to Zimbabwe to adopt one of Brangelina’s children. Bitches look mad.
Jokes.
In actual fact, Osher is here to tell the women that, this week, THEY get to decide who goes on a date with Woody. Because DEMOCRACY!
Jacinda is all for it; she is legit excited that she gets a say in who goes on a date with a dude no one really knows very well.
Tall Bitch #3 isn’t as enthusiastic. She admits she needs the Bachelor to choose HER, not the other way round. Unfortunately, she has yet to realise that bad #draping skills get you nowhere on this show so this might be her only chance.
Cool Girl Heather is definitely not Cool with it either. Her reaction is very Not-Cool. Her Cool Façade is crumbling.
Some girl called Nina says something about choosing things.
Osher explains that they will vote anonymously. And before he has even finished that sentence, he quickly reminds the bitches that they cannot vote for themselves. They look genuinely disappointed.
Parma heads outside to place her vote in Bachie Survivor. She reasons that it’s all about karma. Parma and karma rhyme. It’s funny. I forget what else she says because I started thinking about chicken.
#equality
Back at Tribal Council, Osher breaks the news that two of the bitches have come in at a tie. The even better news is that those two women are Tall Bitch #3 (whose name is Madeleine FYI) and……my bestie, Craylor Swift aka Sandra! Things are LOOKING UP!
Except the rest of the bitches disagree with me and all re-vote for Tall Bitch #3. The worst. Apparently because she’s quiet. Logic.
YAY! EQUALITY!
(Guys, that Ebru woman pops up again. Is she the make-up artist?)
Do you work here?
While Woody waits for his Democracy Date down at some dingy boat shed, we find out that Tall Bitch #3 is from rural Victoria. And, shut the front door, she bakes cupcakes, guys! She has serious #wifeskills. She also said earlier that she needs her man to choose her. Something tells me she was made for this show.
Woody gets her onto a little boat and things get v v Notebook-like when it starts to rain, but with a generous dash of awkward as Madeleine panics that her hair is getting wet. Bitch, you didn’t see Rachel McAdams carry on like a pork chop, did you? To her credit, she does what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation; she sucks down the champagne like a puppy at a teat.
God I love day-drinking.
How dare you make me nature!
But things take a turn for the worse when we, and Woody, realise that Madeleine is super dooper annoying and vain. After complaining about her wet hair (look, I’ll forgive that one. If my hair gets wet I end up resembling a mangy poodle), she then goes on to whinge about her ruined makeup AND turns down a free picnic feed because she doesn’t want to get strawberry seeds in her teeth! For realz, she is the worst dater ever. Bitch needs to put a lid on it.
Woody is not impressed. He puts it down to their age gap. Come on, mate, she’s 26. She should be able to adult by now.
I am so good at this.
Meanwhile, Bec (I think that’s her name – she’s kind of like Chantal from last year? Chantal the Sequel) bounds into the Rotunda with a gold envelope. Holy sheet, its… ANOTHER SINGLE DATE! What is this MADNESS?!
The bitches are saaaaaaaah pissed.
After they get their illogical arguments out of their systems, they do a smart brainstorm session over what the date might be. Considering the card said, “rise and shine”, Joni surmises that maybe they’ll be sleeping over somewhere so that they can wake up together.
Someone needs to catch Joni up with Bachie lingo. There is no sexy-time until Dates with No Time Limits. Although that didn’t really happen last year, did it? (Not looking at anyone, Channel 10!)
And the winner is… Parmigiana!
She seems a little worried as she hasn’t been on a date in ages. Because she has a kid. Which I totally forgot about. Kiev I think her name was?
Anyway, based on her previous experience, the best advice I can give Parma at this point is – use protection? Seems appropriate.
The producers get Woody and Parma up at the butt-crack of dawn to go hot air ballooning. I think they borrowed it off Bron Bishop. She’s such a giver.
Cue much triumphant soaring music and more day drinking. Weee!
Please. I have heaps of flying machines.
Once back on solid ground, the two continue their day drinking crawl with a trip to a vineyard. Something something grapes, something something beautiful, something something picnic.
THEY PASH! WOOO!
Well done, Parmigiana. You get a rose.
Pashing!
Cocktail Party.
It’s a theme tonight – the Roaring Twenties. Any excuse to wear sparkles and get the boobs out, amirite?
The bitches are like cooped up chickens waiting to peck someone’s eye out after no group date this week. Their formal gowns and glittery headwear do little to mask the desperation.
Woody asks Cool Girl Heather for a moment alone and the rest of the bitches crack the sads. I get the distinct impression they are not on the Cool Girl Train.
Woody admits his White (Sex) Rose plan has kind of back-fired on him, as he’s been waiting for her to “call him”. I mean, you’d think this was real life and he’d given a girl an ounce of power. Poor pet. I like Sam, but I think this show is starting to mess with his understanding of life.
I’m still cool, right?
In her post-alone-time-interview, Cool Girl admits she’s getting a case of “the girlies” and is once again proving to me that she is not so Cool at all. Very Uncool, Cool Girl.
Busy Businesswoman Sarah also gets a moment with Woody, which is promptly interrupted by Craylor Swift, who is super anxious for Bachie Face Time. She waits behind a corner, like a patient Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and springs herself onto her victims.
At first it seems BBS is copping it on the chin and is about to Exit Stage Left gracefully, but hold the phone, no, she’s going to stick it out on the Couch of Awkward between her potential Logies date and his other girlfriend. Awkward levels reach critical. Craylor doesn’t seem too phased. She is heaven on a biscuit.
Stay calm…look normal…
Rose Ceremony!
Lucky for them, Parmigiana’s boobs already have a rose, so they are safe. (And out!)
Tall Bitch #3 didn’t get a rose on her individual date because her hair got messy, so she is a little bit worried.
Craylor is stressing that maybe Woody doesn’t like girls he is dating to interrupt his conversations with other girls he is dating.
Emily is worried her dress doesn’t have enough cut-outs.
Anal Glands….says something about anal glands.
……………………………….
Poor Tall Bitch#3. It seems her messy hair, #draping skills and refusal to eat strawberries have sealed her fate. Woody takes her outside to say a proper goodbye and hopefully school her a little bit on how to adult.
At least she’s still got her cupcakes and Victorian values, I guess.
Join me tomorrow, when Cool But Not-Cool Girl finally executes her super cool date and says lots of things like “rad” and “dude”.
xx
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