The Bachelor Season 3: Eggs Over Easy

3 Sep

I think the message has really hit home this week, guys….

 

Wife Hunting is SERIOUS BIZNAZ!

And, in this case, love really IS a battlefield.

 

pat

Serious battle faces ON.

Gosh, between the tears and the sweating and the ovaries, it’s become the dating equivalent of the Bar Exam.

Because things are tres #serious, the bitches are sitting around the Formal Dining Room talking seriously about how seriously sad they are that their sister wife Elbow got kicked to the curb.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 Who is Actually an Intruder, Rachel, feels super bad that she got a rose and Ebru didn’t. The guilt is practically consuming her.

The other bitches are quick to console her; “Babe, it’s tooootally not your fault, mmkay? Our boyfriend is under serious pressure right now. Finding a wife is like finding a cure for cancer.”

Because she is into cars and shit, Nina is obviously all about competition. She cannot stop talking about the Original Bitches vs. Intruder Bitches. It is clearly the original bitches versus the intruder bitches. I mean, clearly the original bitches deserve more love because they have been sitting around a waterfront mansion WAY longer than the intruder bitches!

Osher arrives in a polka dot shirt, looking fresh as a daisy thankyouverymuch, and delivers TWO DATE CARDS! IT’S PRACTICALLY A PARTY!

Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather calls somebody “Bruz Cuz” because it’s important that we remember that she is still really cool and down with it.

GROUP DATE.

Jennifer Love Hewitt! It’s the Ovaries Test this week! Hooray!

A million children descend from a neighbouring hill, wielding sticky hands and give-a-f*$% attitudes! The bitches look terrified. Woody, on the other hand, is watching closely to see whose uterus is glowing with the promise of new life. CHILDREN! OVARIES! HORMONES! MATERNAL!

The paper-thin premise seems to be that each bitch will be in charge of their own “station” of child-related exercise/activity and I really really hope that teeball is involved because I was ALL about that as a 10 year-old.

All of the bitches are honestly way more concerned about approaching a bunch of children than hey should be. They hang back in their denim butt shorts, looking wary and terrified while the wildling children go ape-shit on some sports equipment.

Super Busy Businesswoman Sarah admits she “doesn’t know how to talk to kids”. Now, I ain’t no parent, but I’m preeetty sure they speak the same language as us and, FYI Sarah, if you hadn’t already noticed, it is very important that you get along with children and prove your ovaries are worthy of Woody wood. Haven’t you learnt ANYTHING?!

Parmigiana, on the other hand, is all over this like a rash. Because she has had heaps of Children practice with her own Child, Kiev. Luckily, the native Children pick up on this and don’t try to assimilate her.

Tall Blonde Bitch #4 is clearly barren because she is not connecting with any of the Children and her ovaries are failing her miserably. Lesbihonest, she is really here to try and inject some drama into this vanilla-flavoured Bachie Pudding, and will clearly not be getting to the end. That position is reserved for Intruder Lana who is just saaaah natural with the Children and talks to them like they are humans and helps them throw basketballs through hoops like a maternal champ.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t around earlier in the season to prove her bubble soccer and sheep-wrangling skills, so she isn’t home and hosed just yet, guys.

Finally it’s Nina’s turn to bat, and Heather has faith in her because she is “physically tougher.” (This is a bad euphemism for “Nina’s the fat one.” Kind of like how “Communications Assistant” = Receptionist. I’m on to you, Cool But Not So Cool Girl..).

Cut to mandatory shot of Woody showing how NATURAL he is with Children and doing totally non-prompted push-ups with a Child on his back. The bitches are all suddenly pregnant.

 

bachie high five

Yeah! Feminism!

 

After they recover from their PTCS (Post Traumatic Child Syndrome) at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, it’s time for Single Date. Errybody is certain that it is Nina’s turn for a second date and DEFINITELY not either of the Intruders because that would be a freaking travesty of justice.

LOL JKS! Intruder Lana gets the date, suckaaaas!

Nina is bloody ROPABLE because, although she’d come to terms with her boyfriend dating 6 other bitches, how very DARE a new bitch come in and go on a date with him! The original bitches gather around to console her and Heather says she can’t imagine “how it feels to be on Nina’s end” because she’s usually too busy thinking about being on Woody’s end, ifyouknowwhaddamean?

Nina goes inside to cry herself a river, but Lana could not even give two f*$#s because she is down at some boat shed faster than you can say anal glands.

Look, I’m kind of getting a little tired of all these boat/water-related things that they keep doing. I mean, how hard is it to book a ghost tour or get a mechanical bull brought in for some real dating fun?

Woody and Lana’s date is basically 10 minutes of water, travel and eyes. They parasail over the water, talk about how travel Lana is and compliment each other on the beautiful eyes they have grown.

Seriously, can someone drop Sandra or Emily back in and make things interesting again?

Water activities complete, Woody takes Lana to a waterfront restaurant where a guy who looks like Ed Sheeran is singing some naff song on the balcony just for them and trying not to cry with shame. I bloody hope Zamel’s are paying him well.

 

ed and jamie

I’m pretty sure one of these guys was there….?

 

They do some romantic dancing to the naff music while the poor guy is just standing there singing at them, and it is about as awkward as watching a few baby seals being clubbed to death. I’ve never hated something so much.

However, during their post-dance chat about how travel Lana is because she lived in Mexico and has been to Iceland, it becomes pretty clear that Woody is falling for this intruder hook, line and sinker. He says something about “reassessing” his feelings. In other words, he is falling in love with Lana and BachMan and H-Bomb are nothing but a distant memory. The other bitches are going to be SO. PISSED that Woody has forsaken an Original for an Intruder. But at least something interesting might happen, amirite?

 

jelly wrestle

Did that jelly wrestle meaning NOTHING to you?!

 

Lana returns to the Wife Detention Centre just in time for the rose ceremony, looking v v much like the Intruder Cat who got the Bachie Cream. The other bitches aren’t even trying to pretend they are happy for her. They are legit giving as much as a f*#$ as those kids they taught “sports” to this morning. (Side note: apparently that ginger who sang to Woody and Lana is famous?!)

 

nina not care

#acting.

 

What follows is several minutes of cat’s bum expressions and awkward drinking. Things have gotten so serious that they are not even attempting to mingle or go outside anymore but are literally just sitting and waiting in silence for their shared boyfriend to come and speak to them for a few seconds. #serious #romance.

Except for Tall Blonde Intruder (Rachel) who is the new resident Biatch now that Emily has left. The producers are clearly trying to set up some last-minute tension between her and Nina because we can’t POSSIBLY go into the final episodes of this show with all the women LIKING each other! I mean, that would be a bloody outrage!

Nina keeps banging on her battle drum, talking about the rivalry between the Originals and the Intruders and that if she gets dumped for an intruder she will cut someone. I’m a bit worried this means she is definitely being dumped for an intruder.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Shit is still super serious as Osher comes in and does his rose maths. One bitch’s ovaries will be sent home tonight.

Lana already has a rose, Heather and Parmigiana get a rose, leaving Nina, Rachel and Busy Businesswoman Sarah. The three of them look totes emoshi and #serious. Woody is stalling. He seems to be doing some serious thinking. Emotions are running high. There is no body of water in the immediate vicinity to help soften the thinking pain; it’s looking grim. Everyone starts worrying this might happen….

 

crying

Bachie feelings.

 

And he’s out.

Woody has dropped the rose and hot-footed it outside. The pressure has gotten too much for the poor pet. GOSH wife-hunting is hard.

Woody calls desperately for Osher who comes out to the kitchen completely bewildered that someone has proactively asked to see him! It seems as if his CLEO Bachelor of the Year skills are FINALLY being put to good use! Don’t worry, Woody, Oshie got this. Feelings, feelings, wingman, feelings, connections, feelings.

 

osher wingman

This guy: putting out fires left right and centre

 

Heartfelt emotional crisis over, Woody returns to his harem ready to boot….wait…what is that? Is that a third rose in his hand? What is happening? Why does Woody have extra roses? Why is he blatantly going against Osher’s rose maths? He’s giving ALL the bitches a freaking rose! THIS IS NOT THE RULE OF TRUE LOVE, WOODY!

 

Oprah-You-Get-a-Car-Gif

You get a rose! You get a rose!

This is the worst. All that #serious drama and no one bloody goes home in a Nissan.

It’s the dating equivalent of getting a participation ribbon.

You’re on probation, Woody.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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