The Bachelor Season 3: The Colour Bored

4 Sep

Wow.

I never thought I would say this, but I am legitimately running out of bitchy, sarcastic things to say.

But it is definitely not my fault.

NOTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW!

A part of me didn’t even want to write this post in protest for the complete lack of drama and effort on everybody’s behalf.

I thought we were off to a good start with Woody in his Rebel Sport getup, taking a leisurely early morning kayak to think about roses and feelings. Usually this means serious der-rama is going to go down.

 

sam kayak

I really hope something interesting happens today.

 

Meanwhile at the House that Spotlight Built: Something something Sam, something something, connections, something something GROUP DATE!

But first, let us get into our Nissans and show you all the amazing features it has for a Nissan while we drive to our date in a Nissan for five minutes.

Guys.

They are legit filling time by showing bitches in Nissans.

 

grumpy cat

No.

 

Rachel says that “competing against other women for a man goes against every bone in my body.” At least it’s good to know she went to the same School of Logic as the rest of the bitches.

They’re at a warehouse. They talk about culture. Oh, sorry, I mean “kulcha”. Woody loves him some kulcha.

This week the bitches have to prove they are wife material by channeling their desire to bone Sam into art work. Sam pretends to be surprised that he has to topless model for them.

Off comes the kit and the bitches cannot even stem their flows.

 

mr bean

Kulcha!

 

Blah blah blah muscles, blah blah abs.

All of them are pretty shit at art and kulcha, except Parmigiana who once drew an Aphrodite mural on her bedroom wall as a teenager. Because Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love. This show is about love. Woody is looking for love. Are you picking up on this this deep yet subtle connection?

 

clay sculpture

More kulcha.

 

Post-artwork drinks turn into an everyday booze fest and Rachel says Sam needs to “sell himself” to her because this is her life as well as his.

Somebody GOTTA tell her that Tinder exists.

As if he has magically read her mind and wasn’t placed there by the assistant producer, Woody appears and they have one of the most terrible conversations I have ever witnessed. Rachel has the people skills of a hard-boiled egg and Woody just does his best to stop his man parts shrivelling up into his body.

As a prize for her amazing kulcha skills, Parmigiana and Woody go upstairs to Randomly Placed Ikea Living Room Display. Talk talk talk about Melbourne and Perth. Sam asks if she’d be willing to move cos, you know, there aren’t any children in WA for his business to thrive on so obviously it’ll be Parmigiana and Kiev makin all the effort.

Parma doesn’t even give two f*$%s about Perth and has already bought a plane ticket. Problem solved.

SINGLE DATE.

Still banging on those battle drums, Nina will not.let.it.go when it comes to the intruders. This original vs. intruder thing is so fecking boring I want to cut my ears off and mail them to her.

Whatever trevor, bloody Busy Businesswoman Sarah is down for Date #3. She is seriously date-lapping evrryone now.

Woody has only just picked her up at the front door and I’m already bored out of my brain. They are both vanilla.

In the limo, Sarah is gifted with her own pair of “diamond” earrings and I’m all of a sudden really confused as to how a bitch was just handed some Zamel’s jewellery without having to dig for it?!

“Omigod, I’ve never been given diamond earrings before!” Honey, you still haven’t. #budgetcuts.

SURPRISE! Now they’re at a fancy room/restaurant overlooking Sydney Harbour. What a refreshing CHANGE!

I literally do not know where the next ten minutes of my life went.

Nowhere interesting. Oh yeah, Sarah got a rose. Yawn.

 

nicki bored

 

ROSE CEREMONY.

Ummm….. I’m sure something interesting happened here? Maybe something to do with Nina and Rachel hating each other now because… because….um…. OH YEAH! Because Rachel is v v skinny and Nina is a fat slob because she doesn’t eat paleo and is obviously not worthy of Woody love.

Yep. Normally I would shamelessly cheer on any glimmer of drunken, illogical bitchiness, but when it comes to body-shaming for no good reason, you’ve lost me.

Rachel tries again to charm Sam with her skinny good looks and warm wit but fails miserably. All of the Real Housewives combined are better at this than her.

All of this extra screen time for Rachel can only mean one thing: Girlfriend is going home. Which is probably for the best considering how nasty she is, but at the same time, a damn shame due to her being the only one with fragments of a personality.

All Original bitches get roses. Nina is extremely happy about this. It’s down to Rachel and Lana and OBVIOUSLY Lana ain’t goin anywhere because she is sah travel and we all saw Woody lose his knickers over her last episode.

And yep…. she’s gone. No one cares. Including me.

Guys, I really don’t know what’s going on. People keep telling me that it’s mainly to do with the fact that Sam is legit there looking for real love and doesn’t want to lead anybody on.

WELL. If that’s the case, someone at Channel 10 ain’t doing their job properly.

 

Can someone please go and grow a personality? Kthnxbyyyyye.

 

britney bored

 

x

 

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