Tag Archives: leah

Bachelor In Paradise Ep ??: Everything Is Merging Into One And I Don’t Know What’s Happening

23 Apr

Sorry for going MIA last week, y’all. I tumbled into a never-ending pit of rehearsals, Codral and despair that not even my rage over straight-up queer baiting could pull me out of.

At first I thought I’d maybe missed a heap of der-rama and stuff, but, turns out I kind of…didn’t? Well, unless you count Simone quickly losing all senses of logic and yelling a lot… Oh, and Megan just kissing a long-haired Canadian dude and not Elora how dare you Channel 10 I am very mad about this.

It seems as though the shenanigans on Sex Island are becoming as monotonous as the 400 skinny, blonde women who live there. (Honestly, when they all stand next to each other, I couldn’t pick them from a line-up!)

 

#diversity.

 

The big news tonight is that Flo is coming back in, or, Cyclone Florence as they’ve tried to nickname her which doesn’t really work anymore because, based on the incredibly shit weather they seem to be getting, the cyclone has already made it’s way to the Fijian shore and the only person getting any sort of colour is still Jarrod.

Was there a little part of me that enjoyed watching Jake sweat through his flamingo tennis shorts about Flo coming back and calling out his f*** boi ways? Obviously. Was it as satisfying as I was hoping? Obviously not. (Also what I imagine having sex with Jake might be like, I mean…what?)

So Keira and Jarrod are now offish a couple because Keira forced Jarrod to say she was his girlfriend and part of me hates but also loves this couple because I honestly think they’ve been the biggest players on this whole season if the rumours about them already being a couple are true. Well played you two. Although, side note, I still believe the true love story on this show is that between Keira and her mango daiquiri but don’t tell Jarrod cos he’ll probably get heaps angry and I fear for his blood vessels.

 

A match made in television heaven.

 

Leah talks to American Jared about how him giving her his rose really meant something and that maybe they should become allies again so she doesn’t have to threaten to leave all the time, but AJ is just like, “Naaaaahhh…that was a pity rose because stupid Thomas got to Rachael first. Soz mate.”

Leah is very upset at this because how dare her back-up option give her a pity rose. Life is so unfair on Sex Island.

Flo has arrived by now and has said Jake’s name more times than Leah has said she’s going to leave and honestly I’m so glad I pre-chilled an entire bottle of rose.

Osher drops in looking far too smug for what he’s about to say, and delivers the news that Flo is the last person to come into Paradise, so, if they haven’t gotten themselves a bae yet, the odds are looking pretty damn slim. (Meanwhile Wais is still available and still the real MVP here so…jussayin).

This is all the motivation Leah needs to announce she’s DEFINITELY LEAVING this time and goes and packs her shoes in a plastic shopping bag like any regular 25-year old.

 

Everyone to Leah.

 

Poor American Jared barely sees her leave as he’s too busy walking forlornly down the beach in sandals, thinking about what happened at the Rose Ceremony with Thomas and Rachael. Tbh, as my housemate so deftly pointed out – the real problem here is that AJ wears sandals on the beach can someone do something about this?

The producers are still trying to f*** shit up, so they give ANOTHER date card to Thomas (I guess he did cry on a park bench last week) and my cold heart broke a little bit for American Jared. Honestly, FINALLY a woman shows genuine interest in him, and then the producers sweep in with a master plan to have her distracted by someone else. What is this vendetta against American Jared??! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

 

Australia suuuuuux.

Lucky for Thomas though I guess, who has now had more date cards in a week than Simone ever got in an entire show season lol.

Obviously Thomas picks Rachael who goes on a date with him to a putt-putt range in her bike shorts. Thomas calls them “yoga wear” but okay. They were definitely bike shorts, trust me.

Ummm…yeah they go on a date and Thomas is happy that there are cheese and crackers. He obviously doesn’t have too many troubles with dairy farts so good for him.

Rachael does say something mildly alarming about herself always wanting more in third person but Thomas isn’t too phased so good for him?

They pash. You can practically hear American Jared start crying into his Malibu pineapple.

NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE TRUE LOVE EXISTS IN THE FORM OF TARA AND SAM!

Tara has finally received her own date card and immediately takes Sam because they are hopelessly in love and it’s the only reason anyone is still watching this show.

They dance for a bit and gush over each other and it’s beyond adorable and I am totally here for it. Even better, once they get to their random sex couch, Sam tells Tara he loves her and she says she loves him back and I think my cold, dead heart just skipped a beat!

 

True couple goals.

 

Honestly, I don’t even notice Sam’s hair anymore because I AM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH TARA. Everyone can just go home now because these two win everything.

Speaking of going home, Eden does just that. Basically it’s because he still thinks there’s a chance for him and Elora even though he pranked her with a fake letter and smooshed food into her face and she is just like, no, we are good friends, I am Apollo’s soulmate, didn’t you get the memo?

Eden looks disappointed at this news and then kinda just gets up and strolls on out with no goodbyes. Elora goes back and tells the group that he left because he wanted her to have a good time in Paradise and not hold her back and he was worried about her or something? Anyway, it’s all basically about Elora and not the true fact that the man wasn’t getting any puss so he’s out.

Side note: Keira calling out Elora for being supremely self-centred was the second best thing to happen all night she is a national treasure I swear to God.

See ya Eden. I don’t know how I feel about you anymore but maybe if I keep following you on Instagram I might make a decision.

 

Make good choices, bebe!

 

Ummm…I think that’s it.

No wait…Jake and Flo talk things out and in a weird way they bloody deserve each other I’m so bored of all of them.

Except Apollo – where was he tonight?

 

Advertisements

Bachelor In Paradise Ep 4: A Snake Among the…Other Snakes

4 Apr

Hoooy boy. Did anyone else find that episode a little bit triggering? Honestly, I had to go to my room and find my rose quartz crystals to try and protect me from all the dirty, thirsty ju-ju.

OKAY.

Jarrod still has the single date card and a very awkward looking fedora and he is not afraid to use either of them.

 

Who let this happen??

 

Some of da boyz are hanging with him on a bench and pretending that they don’t have a script to follow to try and get him to say something really silly or desperate, which is kind of silly in itself because that is Jarrod’s lifes work.

He admits he has some serious chemistry with Keira but, you know, “just because I’ve got a connection with this one woman doesn’t mean I can’t find connections with a tonne of other women**,” and honestly I think Jarrod just spoke for every single f***ing man on dating sites in 2018 and my ovaries literally rolled over and were like NO! SHUTTING THIS DOWN FOREVER MEN ARE TRASH!

Sorry. It’s a full moon.

Anyway, this connection crap is just talk for – Ali is suuuuper hot and I am despo to bone her because I could never land a girl that good looking at high school so now I need to make up for it, despite the fact that I already have a real connection/relationship with this other girl.

GUYS I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GIVE JARROD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BUT HE IS NOT MAKING IT BLOODY EASY!

He takes Ali by the hand and they walk towards what I assume is just the back part of the resort. Waiting for them there are a group of locals all done up in their native garb and probably wishing they were doing anything but facilitating this cringe-worthy date. The poor suckers have to teach Jarrod and Ali how to dance and it’s both awkward, hilarious yet not interesting at the same time. Thankfully, Channel 10 only had a budget for a 5 minute class, so soon enough, the two are heading back to their native territory of a random sex couch/rug with wine and cheese.

 

Jarrod: I think we might be married now haha jks!

 

Once they’re sitting down, Jarrod launches into a strange, desperate monologue about how amazing this moment is and how much of a connection he is feeling with poor Ali and honestly Jarrod, YOU SAID YOU’D CHANGED YOU EVEN HAD STUBBLE YOU NEED TO PUT A LID ON IT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN REMEMBER SOPHIE YOU HAD ONE JOB?!

Good God the close-ups of his red, sweaty face were almost too much to bear and someone give Ali a funking Logie or some shit for managing to get through that date without laughing/running away in terror.

Back at the Sex Compound, Flo is still mad at Jake for being a f***boi and Nina helpfully approaches her to debrief on the previous nights’ shenanigans i.e. the producers told her to go over to Flo and ask about Megan because, turns out, Jake is telling both Flo and Megan that the other one is just a friend and he definitely didn’t kiss the other one or tell her she was gorgeous or that he was giving her his rose or anything. But we all know he definitely did all of those things. Ahhhh the beauty of television!

 

Babe, you picked the wrong f***boi I’m sorry.

 

Because Flo is who she is, she confronts Jake about his f***boi ways but in a heated, yet hidden exchange in his tiki hut. We are treated to voice over of the whole debacle, set against a v v dramatic back drop of waves crashing on the beach and flocks of birds hurriedly fleeing into the sky. #cinematography

Okay, look, I’m going to show my bias here but yes, Flo does indeed get angry enough to launch her glass of champagne right at Jake’s stupid head. Unfortunately for us, this is also not shown on camera, but considering we see Jake not 10 seconds later, blood-less and bruise-less, casually telling da boyz that he’s just had something piffed at him while tossing around a football (because manly) I’m going to guess it was more of a liquid affair aka when Samantha Jones threw her martini at Richard or, Flo just has really terrible aim.

Okay okay, she shouldn’t have done it, violence of any sort is never okay but srzly…

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everything about this episode was cringe-worthy and it really came to a head during the cocktail party when three grown ass men visibly frothed over Ali.

Jarrod is strutting around like he’s just won some sort of prize at the fair because obviously women are trophies to be won. Mack and Michael, also keen to get themselves into Ali’s lady parts good books, are both confused and mad over how someone like Jarrod could seemingly have trumped them. All three are literally champing at the bit to give her their rose and I’m super worried that this is just a metaphor for what they actually want to give her.

(Props to Eden here for topical use of the term “cock fight”. Why aren’t you dating me, Eden?)

 

Ali at the upcoming Rose Ceremony (thnx for that one, twitter). 

 

Mack suddenly decides to swoop on in before Ali has barely had time to sip her bloody mimosa and all of a sudden I remember that he is actually a bit of a predictable creep who just really likes skinny blonde women he barely knows because that’s what the world has told him to like. At first his conversation with Leah earlier in the episode made me feel genuinely sorry for him because she was literally saying he was her second choice/go-to if she gets desperate. But, honest to God, Ali simply tells him she’d like to get to know him a little better and HE REACTS AS IF SHE HAS JUST TOLD HIM HE IS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE AND NO MAN COULD EVER EVER COMPARE TO HIM. For realz. It’s basically just jizzing your pants but through your face. Wow, that sounded gross. Sorry.

Honestly Mack, you’re 35. Get a clue. Girls can be nice to you and not want to marry you it’s happened before.

Michael ALSO finds a moment to convince everyone he’s moved on from Tara and very in love with Ali and he too steals her away to a sun bed somewhere to tell her so. At this stage I assume she’s so exhausted from all the testosterone flying everywhere she may not have even known what day it was.

Jarrod is pretty convinced he and Ali are destined to be together so he goes and tells Keira this so that she doesn’t get confused over why he doesn’t give her his rose because of course he bloody does.

Keira dissolves into a mess of tears and suddenly every single woman in Australia who has ever been dumped for the cooler/prettier/more popular girl (i.e. everyone) has a lot of feelings and the urge to kick someone. Probably Jarrod.

 

No white man in a fedora deserves your tears, babe!

 

Jake is still working his f***boi magic on both Flo and Megan and complaining to da boyz about how hard his life is rn, all the while wearing an incredibly loud tiki-themed shirt that I’m not about.

Blake chimes in with a comment about how Flo is too dramatic which is a little rich in my books, coming from the man who literally put another man in hospital but idk!

The Tara and Sam thing seems to be happening and I’m still not 100% on board but at least they look happy and drunk so…I’ll allow it for now.

SIDE NOTE: Sassy, amazing Wais is back (not “Wise” as previously named – blame Osher, he started it) and is honestly the true MVP of this show can I plz give him my rose or at least a column in New Idea.

 

 

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Okay guys, shit gets hectic, so hang on tight for a sec while I try and break this DER-RAMA filled tribal council down.

Mack gives his rose to Ali which shocks both Jarrod, Michael AND Ali.

Eden gives his rose to Nina and plz get married or I will hunt Eden down and marry him myself.

Luke gives his rose to Lisa and I’m thinking their couple name should be Logical Lusa.

Jarrod gives his rose to Keira who 100% knows she’s his second choice but takes it anyway and sasses him hard which he totally deserves.

Blake gives his rose to Laurina but calls her Lenora until someone audibly corrects him because..well..he’s a dumbass and will most likely be dead the next time we see him.

Sam gives his rose to Tara and I’m still watching you, Sam, don’t f*** this up.

Jake then visibly AND audibly begs Michael to please pick Flo because he “can’t” and Michael looks as though he is going to headbutt Jake (which is lucky seeing as he was on the Australian Soccer team right? Oh wait…)

Flo can see AND hear Jake doing this and for a minute there I really did hope Michael would pick her just so she wouldn’t have to be so embarrassed, but props to you, Michael, you lived your own life and let everyone see Jake for the snake that he truly is.

Michael gives his rose to Leah who looks both relieved and smug at the same time.

Jake pretends to feel bad but then gives his rose to Megan and gains the title of Most Hated Dude in Australia.

 

It’s all over for Queen Florence. What a lofty lofty height she has fallen from. You could just about hear her yelling, “Davey! I’m sorry Davey!” as she was driven out of the Sex Compound.

 

You ded, boy.

 

I need to burn some incense and down a stiff drink after that.

 

 

 

**Okay..he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but it was damn close enough I swear on my life.