Tag Archives: recap

The Bachelor Season 5 Recap: Game of Thorns

3 Aug

Daa daa danana-na da da dada da da dada something something Peter Dinklage…

(That’s meant to be the Game of Thrones theme song btw.)

This week, Matchie takes us on a trip back to Westeros where all transportation is via water and the lead-up to the first kiss was more dramatic than the GOT Season 7 premiere.

However, before winter can come ifyouknowwhaddamean, Matchie has to take one of the girls on a single date.

Luckily Akoulina gets her hands on the date card first because I really love it whenever she says anything. Her talking face is the kind of intense you’d come to expect from one of those fortune tellers who works in a crystal store and wears a lot of bangles.

She announces that whoever the lucky lady is, she only has 15 minutes to get ready, how very dare they, but fortunately the date goes to Laura the Jewelry Designer who is already super natural and stylish because she wears a lots of rings on her fingers. Akoulina tries to give her a high five but is left hanging because Laura is already busily thinking about which pendant she should wear.

And what a funking surprise, they’re going on a boat/doing something in water. Wait, wasn’t last week’s date on a boat too? Has Channel 10 called in the big guns from Boating Camping and Fishing and sealed a sponsorship deal or something? (Can you even buy boats from there? I literally have no idea.)

To give them their dues, if we’re on board (geddit) with the Game of Thrones thing, I guess everyone in Westeros has to travel by boat or shadow demon, and since shadow demons are a bit hard to find, at least they’re trying to team with the theme.

Basically guys, if you haven’t already picked up on it, Laura could be Georgia Love’s long-lost twin….okay long-lost cousin AT LEAST. Which is why now it is abundantly clear to me why Matchie seems to be totally gaga for her and why he gifted her with the first pash of the season. Oh yeah *Spoiler Alert!*

But before they get to that, they talk about boats way too much; specifically how big this particular boat seems to be.

“The boat was like, really big.” – Laura, 2017.

This is also a boat. 

A few pinots and some poop deck action later, Laura gets a case of the word vomits and reveals she has travelled to India so naturally I have now christened her Eat Pray (Georgia) Love.

Now, because Eat Pray (Georgia) Love did an Arts degree and is a designer and is v v creative, Matchie finally ushers her ashore so that she can sketch him because it is way cheaper than paying someone at Star Shotz.

Oh no, wait, Matchie is also going to sketch her so I spose that’s fair. I mean, as he explains it, he did enter the drawing competition at the Brookfield Show a lot as a kid and OMG I USED TO GO TO THE BROOKFIELD SHOW EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN TO MY HOUSE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THERE WHY DIDN’T I DO THE DRAWING COMPETITION LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!

Matchie’s drawing of Laura 

JOKES!

Actually it looks like the kind of self-portrait you might find in the archives of a rundown asylum.

They head on over to Random Sexy Cheese Couch #1 for the evening and do a whole lot of not much but staring at each other and wanting to kiss but not kissing. Until finally Matty says it’s hard to pinpoint why he likes Laura, but she does look exactly the same as the woman who put his heart in a Nutri Bullet. And then they kiss.

A lot.

So much so that it starts to make me feel things in my lower regions, but I can’t decide if that’s because of the kissing or because I might have eaten some bad sushi earlier.

Matchie gives Eat Pray (Georgia) Love a rose and a ticket for one more week in his girlfriend palace. Honestly, if that’s just their first kiss, I dunno how she’s going to survive the rest of the season. When a guy touches your face that much it does things to your brain.

It’s like we’ve known each other since last year’s Bachelorette…

Meanwhile, back at the Drama Kabana (oh god I love this name so hard and I didn’t even have to come up with it) Simone is very busy doing a lot of cat’s bum face and talking about how much she hates Leah. How convenient, then, that they are both invited on the…

GROUP DATE!

This is the bit where they get to go to a medieval fair, because nothing spells romance like a time in history when women were sold by their fathers to wrinkly old men for little more than a 50 cent piece.

No actually, they’re here as a tribute, and I use the term loosely, to that time Matchie lived in London and, “…emersed myself in the history and culture,” aka he drank a crap tonne of cider and lived in an apartment with 18 other people and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they still had the props left over from The Bachelorette last year. KULCHA!

All the girls rock up in denim shorts and crop tops amidst the badass medieval role-players who are salty AF. Which I guess you would be if you had to put yourself in danger for the sake of this show.

Do not f*** with me, mates.

The afternoon basically comprises of a couple of undignified games the women have to play in oversized Elizabethan gowns so that they may secure a spot at Matchie’s banquet table later on. Oh, and btw, there’s going to be a sudden Rose Ceremony right after this date, so yeah, y’all be playing the game of thrones now.

Simone/Arya Stark cannot go a minute without plotting the death of Leah/Cersei. Lucky for her, they both get to do this thing where they have to chase innocent piglets and try and put them in baskets. Unlucky for her, though, she’s shit at it and Cersei wins.

 

Better luck next time, bebe.

Then Matty asks four other girls to jump in his sacks and throw rings around a phallic structure. Belinda, the Love Coach, seems unnaturally happy about this and all of a sudden I’m very worried for the future of her business.

The final challenge is a Trial by Combat, I mean, soccer game. In dresses. I don’t remember much about it except one of them copped a ball to da boob.

Eventually, six girls are crowned the winners and are taken to Random Sexy Cheese Banquet Table #2 for dinner.

Over aforementioned dinner, Matchie asks the girls about what it’s like to live in The House That Spotlight Built which is a weird thing to ask when he LITERALLY JUST MOVED OUT OF THAT HOUSE 9 MONTHS AGO!

Anyway, he takes Alix outside for a chat about… body painting I guess? But then Cersei bullies Elise/Sansa into going out and interrupting them via pretending to top up their wine glasses, then, not three minutes later, interrupts HER right before she gets to tell Matchie the second most important thing about her.

Poor Sansa.

Cersei then explains via evil monologue, that she is willing to, “play a different game…I’m happy to play the sad, crying one if I need to.” And then she launches into a strange, tear-soaked speech about how her mum’s a nurse…and…that’s about the extent of it. It is heart-wrenching stuff.

Look, hate on her all you want, but we all know the show would be nothing without Cersei to get drunk and f*** shit up all the time, you feel me?

ROSE CEREMONY

Because it’s a super dramatic, impromptu ceremony immediately after the group date, the poor ladies are still wearing their ridiculous peasant gowns.

Simone/Arya keeps reciting her kill list in her head which only consists of Leah/Cersei at this point and does no actual good because of course Cersei survives.

But then OUT OF NOWHERE Matchie dumps Akoulina aka Fortune Teller aka Fleur Delacour for no obvious reason apart from the fact that she can’t catch a pig.

Look, I’m sure she was sweet, but it’s probably for the best she’s out now before she had a chance to wrap Matchie up in her love ribbons.

 

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

16 Sep

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

 

kim-day

Thin ice, Richie.

 

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

 

cool-bananas

#unforgettable

 

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

 

mummy-banana

It’s all making sense now…

 

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

 

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2:  “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak. 

 

monkey-crazy

ROMANCE!

 

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

 

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

 

taylor-i-told-you

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

 

nikki-losing

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

 

alex-and-richie

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

 

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

 

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

 

osher-going-home

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

The Bachelor Season 4: Bintang, done that.

15 Sep

Truth bomb: This may be the shortest, most non-eventful recap I’ve ever done and I feel like I’ve done it a million times; I am RUNNING ON EMPTY, GUYS. I promise I will throw in as much random funny shit from the internet to try and make it seem better. I mean, this is what would normally be the Dates With No Time Limits (yes, I’m STILL bitter, get over it) so nothing is ever going to live up to it, but come on. If it wasn’t for Olena I would basically have nothing to say. But one thing at a time…

Bachie Banana warms up for a long evening of being beige with some poignant stretching, pond-side weights and pond-side sit ups.

 

stretchings

Can pond.

He’s going to take his three blondes on a trip and he’s very worried about having to pick which one is the natural blonde because he cannot possibly end up with a fake blonde as his wife. Osher isn’t even here to help him. Either they couldn’t afford to pay him or he’s legit thrown in the towel and gone the f*ck home.

AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! AIR ASIA FLYING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY! Give me a free flight to a foreign country! (I am not so much kidding about this one – I would love me some travel voucher.)

The big international trip on AIR ASIA is to, as Richie keeps calling it, “Indonesia.” Which is just Bali, the bogan tourist capital of Straya. At the very least, they’ve learnt their lesson from last year when they went to some shitty fishing town in Sydney and it just rained the whole time. From what I can recall, Snezana got taken on a funking walk to the beach as her final date. So I guess this is a step up.

 

air-asia-1

Can I have a free flight, please?

 

So much Bali. Many Indonesia. Bintang. Tourists. Nasi Goreng. You know the drill.

 

air-asia-2

How bout now??

 

ALEX

If nothing else, Alex should win a medal for laughing the most over his terrible jokes. They ride bikes through the rice paddies and they say beautiful and pretty a lot and Richie makes bad puns and Alex shrieks as if she’s been kept in a dungeon devoid of humor by some creep who wants to bone her…oh wait….

 

brooke-shields-laughing

Everything you say is just so FUNNY!!

 

Gush gush gush. There’s a lot of gushing and kissing with tongue.

Alex wants to know if Richie would move to Melbourne because obviously she’s the one with the “big responsibility” child and Richie pretends to entertain the idea but we all know Bachie don’t move nowhere for nobody.

They arrive at a Random Fancy Rotunda, where Alex exclaims that, “It’s so beautiful” and Richie replies with, “just like you.” Vomit.

There is an attempt at injecting some der-rama into the scene with Richie pretending to worry that his mum and sister might not know how to react to their son dating a blonde who has pushed out a human from her vagina. But considering his own mum is/was a single mum, I’mma say it ain’t gonna be a problem, but what would I know. Nice try, assistant producer.

 

NIKKI

Bachie Bananas is super excited to see the obvious winner and says he’s going to share everything he loves about Bali with Nikki. Yah, because you love her and you’re going to pick her.

Nikki seems wayyyy too excited and grateful considering she’s been here twelve times. TWELVE TIMES?! Ooohh…that’s right she’s from the country. I get it. Carry on.

 

phoebe-fun

You mean, we get to go to the beach again?!

 

Bachie Bananas tries to say he hasn’t seen an adventurous side to Nikki just yet, demonstrating that memory loss of his is still a bit of a problem. I don’t know exactly what you classify as adventurous, Richie, but remember when she ate lamb’s guts and beat up other girls in kangaroo suits, babe?

 

 kangaroos

Remember dis?

 

Anyway, the producers try to create an interesting date where they go to the beach and go on some flying fish water sports activity out the back of a hotel. But to me it kinda felt like this…

 

boring-banana

 

Gush gush gush. There’s more gushing and more kissing with tongue.

It’s very beige and they are obviously in love. The end.

Although I did giggle when Richie said,”Good times, good times,” before going in to pash her. Spot on, mate. Straya. Romance.

 

OLENA

Just when I thought the ads for Lady Bachie were more exciting than this episode, in walks Kween Olena.

Olena is obviously a massive bitch because she hasn’t said she loves him already. Because she realises that she doesn’t really know this guy all that well. And she realises they literally live on opposite sides of the country, and you know, that might be, like, a f*cking problem.

Poor Richie is confused about whether he likes her for realz or whether he just wants to bone her, so if any date has the potential to be interesting, it’s this one.

Bachie Bananas is super keen to find out what Olena’s parents said about him because, despite constantly saying it’s more important to follow your own heart, we are in desperate need of some der-rama and that is obviously important to him all of a sudden.

Kween Olena straight up tells him her parents didn’t really have an opinion because they met him for half an hour and they were being filmed for national television. I am gobsmacked this vessel of rationality has survived this long in the game.

Richie agonizes over this highly controversial piece of information for, like, their entire date which consists of them surfing and drinking on the beach.

He decides to “confront” her because how very dare her parents have nothing less than sunshine and rainbows to say about him and what follows then is an amazing ten minutes of Richie cracking the sads that Olena isn’t saying what he wants her to and Olena not giving a sh*t about it.

OLENA: I just feel like long distance relationships are really hard.

RICHIE: Yeah, but, what about my feelings?

OLENA: Look, I like you and stuff, but I don’t know how this would work, to be honest.

RICHIE: WHY AREN’T YOU OPENING UP TO ME AND TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?!

OLENA: Kthanxbyyyeeee.

 

olena-dont-care

Yeah, nah.

 

Olena is just heaven throughout the whole exchange. Bachie basically loses his bananas over her rational arguments about long distance, even though he knows he was never going to uproot his life for her, and she comes back with, “You were livin in a fairytale.”

Yas kween. Thank god for Foxtel, because I totally hit rewind a couple of times just to enjoy that again. And again.

Bachie be MAD.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Bye bye Olena. There is literally no reason for me to even be writing this. Srzly Channel 10 I don’t even know why you’re bothering with the Batman soundtrack because we all know what’s happening. Olena knows and she doesn’t give any f*cks.

When he finally puts her out of her misery and tries to explain that dumping her had absolutely nothing to do with the fact she had an opinion different to his, he tells us that,”Saying goodbye to Olena wasn’t really that difficult.”

This guy. What a sweetheart.

Olena can not get on an AIR ASIA flight quick enough back to a world where logic exists.

 

morgan-bored

On the plus side, the filler episode before the finale is over and we can all just look forward to actual finale tonight where Nikki’s blonde hair will take the Bachie crown.

ALTHOUGH!

After seeing the preview for the finale, I’m having a couple of doubts – they uuuuusually dress the winners in gold/white/some kind of virginal hue. And Nikki is going to be wearing red. Alex is in a gold sequinned number… I’m just saying…

 

air-asia-3

How bout now?

The Bachelor Season 4: (Adult) Baby did a bad, bad thing

2 Sep

Guys, things are getting desperate over at Channel 10. It seems they got wise on the fact the last several episodes have been whiter than a slice of TipTop and have, subsequently, brought in the big guns. And by big guns, I mean Hamish Blake. And by Hamish Blake, I mean Hamish Blake as an adult baby called Rory.

What a time to be alive.

But first….

The six remaining bitches are sitting around their Tuscan villa, surrounded by the entire Spring catalog from Bed Bath’n’Table, chatting about how dreamy their manfriend is. Frightening phrases like, “He’s everything a girl could want in a partner!” and, “I feel so special with Richie!” are being thrown around willy nilly, again, reminding us that this is a dude they have spent no more than 12 hours with in total. The young guy who serves me my hangover latte and hash brown at McCafe makes me feel more special than that.

Overhearing this enthusiastic display, Osher arrives to lecture them like Year 11’s going into VCE; spending quality time with a man is important if you want to fall in love. And dates are the way to do that. Well, I know I just learnt something today.

SINGLE DATE

Goes to Overly Bubbly Blonde Faith. No surprises here but she is super excited and bubbly to go on her second date with Bachie Bananas. So much so that she goes and changes out of her already lovely crop top into another crop top. But it’s beige. Just like this date is probs going to be… or is it??

Suddenly Richie shows up to collect Faith and explain to her in front of his other girlfriends why he chose her for another date and why their connection is important to him and the ick factor goes through the funking roof. Like, I KNOW the show is about these women competing for the one dude, but good God man, don’t sh*t where you eat!

God bless you, Hamish Blake, for arriving just as things were getting hella awkward.

The zany, totally-not-a-grab-for-ratings twist this episode is that Hamish is going to accompany them on their date. Yes, poor Richie is so bad at being entertaining on dates that they’ve resorted to giving him a wingman. Hamish explains that they’re going to be looking after a “real life toddler.” Both Bachie Bananas and Faith cackle hysterically for a moment, because obviously Hamish is a comedian and obviously this is a big joke.

“Hahahaha! Oh my god! Wait…a REAL toddler?”

shocked gif

The real life toddler is, in fact, Hamish himself, who will be dressed as three year-old adult baby, Rory for the day. If either of his “parents” fail to look after him, he will stop the date. Oh the zaniness!

No, but seriously, Rory is actually heaven as he wastes no time throwing awkward questions at Richie like, “Is mummy the ONLY one for daddy?” To give Bachie credit, he does manage to reply with a semi-genuine “Yes” before Faith asks him to look at her when he says that. Cue Classic Richie Laughter followed by uncomfortable pause.

shocked gif

Hahahahaha! That was so funny…

More great questions from Rory – there’s even a reference to Richie’s clear favoritism towards blondes. He tries to deflect again by using a metaphor for it’s what’s on the inside that counts/as long as the flavor of ice-cream is delicious. As long as that flavor is blonde, though, amiright? Hahahaha!

Next stop is a fancy, hipster cafe where Rory goes ape sh*t and upends tables and pours drinks on the floor. It is at this point that I realise this would basically be my dream job as an actor. A) Overalls are super comfy B) I already have a sippy cup and it’s pretty much the best $5 I ever spent and C) Getting paid to carry on about childish crap and complain that you’re not getting enough attention is already my everyday life.

But it is disturbing to notice the large gaggle of blondes seated at the cafe – is this the Blonde Bitch Holding Cell? Like, is this where they keep their reserves should one of the originals forget to do her roots!? Big questions to answer, Channel 10…

Finally they go bowling and Rory freaking out in the middle of a lane is pretty much me this entire season…

hamish

What is happening?!

The only other funny thing that happens that isn’t because of Hamish, is when Bachie Bananas sings a gentle “Twinkle twinkle little dinkle” to his adoptive adult baby while doing wee-wee. #adulting.

Back at The Tuscan Villa that Spotlight Built, Mummy Faith and Daddy Richie attempt to put their adult baby to bed.  There’s a lot of pants pulling and grabbing of the bed…and not in the sex way which is disappointing. Richie legit has to wrestle Rory out of his overalls. I know this is meant to be funny, and I know that I don’t have a kid, but I’m pretty sure this is not that far off from real life. (I guess the only difference is that actual three year-olds can’t ask their fathers sassy, judgmental questions. Or maybe they can…kids are getting super rude these days.)

Overly Bubbly Faith and Bachie Bananas eventually collapse on the couch with MENULOG MENULOG DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD ORDER WINE THROUGH MENULOG. Faith picks Italian food and Richie stupidly picks white wine.

YOU DRINK RED WINE WITH ITALIAN FOOD, YOU FOOL!

(Wow, I think that’s the most passionate I’ve been about this season in weeks. I nearly scared myself.)

 

menulog

I wonder if Hamish got paid in Menulog?

 

GROUP DATE

Oh wait, there’s no group date. Apparently the producers paid Hamish Blake all of their budget to inject some actual entertainment into this episode, so instead, Richie takes Rachel into the back garden to sit on a Random Sex Chair. Except there are no candles, cheese platters or ostentatious decorations. Yep, sh*t is grim.

The theme of this non-date is ‘The Five Sense’ – in other words, they are going to eat some sh*t, smell some sh*t, touch some sh*t, listen to some sh*t and speak some sh*t. Not actual sh*t, but you get the idea. Although speaking and eating some sh*t is practically all they’ve done for the last 2 months so Rachel should be a total pro.

Zzzzz…nothing interesting happens. Hamish Blake has gone home and taken the Menulog with him.

 

rachel date

You mean Hamish isn’t coming back?

There is a point where Bachie offers to massage Rachel’s feet, but she admits she hasn’t washed them (umm..WHAT?!) and suddenly Bachie’s Banana shrivels back up into his body and he seamlessly switches to giving her a boring hand massage instead. And here I was hoping he might condemn her filthy ways to a nunnery or something else dramatic like that.

The producers have reminded Richie to put a lid on all the flattery and roses to try and maintain at least a tiny bit of mystery, so like Overly Bubbly Faith before her, Rachel is denied a rose.

I don’t think I care.

ROSE CEREMONY

Because none of the bitches are going into the Rose Ceremony with rose in hand, actual tension seems to be building in the Bed Bath’n’Table display room. Single Mum Alex no longer gives any f***s about waiting for Richie to take HER to the White Rose Sex Room and waves her magic white wand quick smart.

Up in the Sex Den, Alex reveals she has hidden a secret photo album of Richie sleeping her son in the cushions of a chair. Cue a lot of talk about responsibility and children and other stuff related to having kids. Bachie looks legit terrified. But Alex ain’t no fool, cos erryone knows that the guy who kicks off a lady who just showed him pictures of the child that came out of her lady parts is basically the biggest douche canoe ever in the world.

 

crazy girlfriend

She just KNOWS.

Well played, Single Mum. And well played on the leather bustier too; slayin.

Boring boring, someone is going home, we’re all devastated, boring boring.

The final two are Rachel and Intruder Lady With Name Starting With S. Rachel is obviously being punished for having dirty feet, how very dare she.

Joookes! Intruder Lady is sent home before I even bothered to learn her name. I feel a bit bad. She cries in the limo about how sad she is not getting the chance to make sweet Bachie love to the greatest guy she ever met.

Yeah, now I don’t feel so bad.

 

 

laughing in car

Come on, look how ENTERTAINING WE ARE!!

The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

 

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

 

sam sister

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa. 

 

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

 

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

 

lana boat

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

 

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

 

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

 

hay bales

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

 

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

 

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

 

leo 2

 

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

 

nina happy

Yay! Intruders suck!

 

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

 

finale carnage

Someone got paid to decorate this. 

 

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

 

zamels ring

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

xx

 

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

 

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

 

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

 

lamborghini

Do Nissan know about this??

 

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

 

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

 

wow gif

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

 

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

 

pool kissing

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

 

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

 

vanilla milkshake

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

 

jacobs creek

This…

giraffe

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

snez and sarah

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

x

 

 

The Bachelor Season 3: The Race for Wood

21 Aug

Bitches, start your engines!

 

Wait… I feel like I’ve said that before?

 

That’s right, I did. I used that same line last year when He Who Shall Not Be Named took his harem of bitches race car driving.

Either I need to get some new jokes or this show is running out of ideas. Or maybe fast driving is a legit wife skill that must be tested each year?

Anyhoo, welcome to the Race That Stops the Nation. Because this episode is all about a race, Woody starts us off by strolling through a paddock of race horses, talking about the race for his heart and how time is racing away from them. #symbolism.

Back at the Mess Hall, the bitches are drinking their Skinny Detox Tea when Osher arrives with a thick package from Sam.

 

package

Exhibit A: Sam’s thick package.

 

GROUP DATE!

No surprises here, it’s something about racing. Nina can barely keep a lid on it, she’s so keen. Turns out she’s been harbouring some serious bogan tendencies in those crop tops she’s so fond of.

She admits she’s quite the rev head and all of a sudden I can picture all of these alleged weddings she plans and finally I understand who is keeping pink Hummers in business….

 

this guy

This guy.

 

At the Speedway of Dreams, Osher tells them they are about to compete in The Bachelor Grand Prix and literally race for Sam’s Wood. Which would almost sound bad ass, if it weren’t for the glorified dodgem cars they get into.

Now that Jasmin’s Jaw has returned to the world where feminism exists (real life), the producers have cottoned on that the pool of cray is quickly dwindling. And since Cool But Not So Cool Girl Heather has been managing to play it relatively cool of late, these producers have suddenly decided that Emily doesn’t hate her anymore but hates Nina instead.

WHOAH! DER-RAMA!

Emily proclaims that her sole intention today is to beat Nina because the producers told her to she doesn’t like her and her love of cars.

Osher starts the Wood race and Emily is off quicker than a housewife at a Myer sale. See ya, bitchez!

She is not giving any f*&#s who she crashes into because it’s obviously v v important that she shows how serious she is about winning Wood by being really competitive.

Meanwhile, that Rachel lady is laggin like a proper old nana driver… the other bitches are lapping her every few minutes. Kind of like they’re lapping you in life, babe.

 

granny driving

 

Things take an awkward turn for the worse when Nina thinks she has won and makes a big freaking song and dance about it until Osher informs her that, actually, Emily slayed erryones’s asses by 7 whole seconds and she is just so gracious in her victory you’d think Princess Diana was back in the room. Nina obvi takes it really well.

And OBVI Emily’s reward is uninterrupted Woody time. With a glass of champs. YAY DAY DRINKING!

Sitting on a bench fashioned of old car tyres, it becomes clear that maybe Woody isn’t the biggest fan of young Bitch Face Emily and her negative tude. Especially when she smugly tells him how happy she is to have beaten Nina.

Woody no likey.

Woody confused.

“I’m not sure if it’s really about love or winning with Emily,” he laments.

Dude, she LITERALLY just had to win something so that she could have this conversation with you about winning a race so you could wonder if she was about winning or not. #bachielogic.

As usual, Emily doesn’t seem to give too much of a f*%# and just sips her daytime champs like no big deal.

After the celebration of gender equality is over, back at the Mansion that Spotlight Built, the bitches are casually lounging about the Rotunda waiting for something interesting to happen. Of course talk turns to their communal boyfriend and who is going to get the next single date because that is literally the only chance any of them have of escaping their interior decorated prison for more than 5 minutes.

The logical choice for single date WOULD be this Rachel/Random Blonde Lady who I have legit never seen Woody say two bloody words to but who he has nevertheless continued to gift with roses. I mean, I know they say to keep a bit of mystery about you ladies, but this is pushing it! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!

Not important enough to get a single date, apparently, because Parmigiana is in fact getting a second run at Mt Woody. You can actually see Rachel’s face fall at the news and for a moment there I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered I was watching The Bachelor where rational and dignified decisions are kind of like Ian Thorpe’s failed line of jewellery; non-existent. (Remember when that nearly happened, guys?)

Woody realizes that there are still some girls in the house (Rachel) who he has yet to take on one single date, however, he just HAD to see Parma again because….. he wants to bone her real bad. He didn’t say those words, but I’m reading between the lines here.

He picks her up in a vintage speedboat, driven by a poor old dude who looks like he’s about 90. It’s good to see Channel 10 are still employing Higgins from last year.

 

 eddie boat

Weeeee! True love!

 

The aforementioned boat is aptly named La Dolce Vita, or as Woody calls is, “La Dulchi Voita. It moines tha saweet loife!” #straya.

Teaming with the Italian theme (because Parmigiana is Italian food, right?) off they trot to Woody’s very own version of Little Italy i.e. a couch and a stall of sponsorship produce in the back garden of some unsuspecting Sydney resident. YAY MULTICULTURALISM!

Cue montage of pizza-making and shots of South Cape products and phallic-looking meats and vegetables. (“Look at all this moit!” – S. Wood, 2015). This is just an unsubtle representation of all the boning they want to do, but because it’s only 7.30pm, they settle for throwing flour at each other instead.

 

la dolce

Forehead sex is back, guys.

 

After Parma’s had time to digest Woody’s pepperoni, HELLO RANDOM WAITER MAN WHO HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE! Unnamed waiter man drops off a strange, sphere-shaped concoction that Woody says is meant to be the Death Star dessert.

 

 

Sorry, what?

 

 

There are so many things wrong with this moment, I just don’t have enough time to process it.

Woody tells her how totally fine he is with the fact that she has a daughter because he is totally fine with kids and it would be totally fine to date a woman with a kid.

They then spoon-feed each other and say how good the other tastes. #sex. If Parma plays her cards right, she might just walk away with Woody’s love child. Or just pash rash.

 

Meanwhile….

Casually hanging out at the Rotunda, the bitches are once again trying to find interesting things to say that aren’t about Sam, but are failing miserably. Talk soon turns to Parma and how hot she is and that Woody finds her really hot. All of a sudden, and definitely not because she was prompted to by producers, Nina blurts out that Parma and Woody had a sneaky suck-face on the group date! Bitches be like…

 

bachelor-emilyreaction

Our boyfriend did WHAT?!

While Nina slinks away into the background.

whoops gif

Did I say something bad?

Obviously, this is meant to set us up for a super bitchy showdown at the cocktail party between Parmigiana and Emily’s new mortal enemy, Nina. (Who she astutely labelled as being “disingenuine”. Yeah, English!)

Nina takes Parma outside to make her confession and is all like, “I feel super bad about telling you this but I need to get it off my chest that I totally told our communal boyfriend’s other girlfriends that you sucked face with our communal boyfriend on a group date that we were also on and I didn’t mean to tell anyone but now the other girlfriends are outraged and seem super mad but it was an accident and had nothing to do with ratings at all so I’m like, totes sorry.”

Luckily Parma possesses a somewhat normal brain and forgives her. Bitchy Showdown avoided. Quick! Someone get Emily out here to say something mean!

 

Nope, too late. It’s Rose Ceremony time.

Twitter is all abuzz that Emily has delivered her last barb and will be sent packing, but I’m not so sure. Despite her bitchy remarks and the brain damage it obviously inflicted on Woody, he is still hoping to bone her and she is the most interesting thing on this show now; she ain’t goin anywhere, y’all!

Oh no, that Rachel person didn’t get a rose. Everyone looks a bit surprised that the woman they thought was their hairdresser is being sent home. Woody assures her she is an amazing, amazing woman for someone he has never met and she seems happy about that.

Byyyyeeee random Rachel lady.

 

pocahontas bye

xx

P.S   INTRUDER BITCHES ENTER THE BATCAVE NEXT WEEK!