SQUEAL! We made it!
After weeks of bitchy stares, awkward pashes and shirtless jogging, ‘The Bachelor’ finally came to it’s heart-stopping conclusion in picturesque Thailand where Bachelor Protein Powder chose his future beard bride. I, for one, was fortunate enough to witness this moment in TV history at a Bachelor party with other like-minded fans of this ridiculous show. We settled ourselves down, champagne in hand, cheese platter at the ready, and buckled in for what was sure to be a momentous evening of spray tan and feelings.
Two crazy bitches left, yet only one rose remaining. Well actually, it was a badly designed ring, but we’ll get to that.
We opened with a touching montage of the season. This included LOTS of shots of Tim’s Vague-Face and toey bitches frolicking around in the mansion that Spotlight built. The senior script-writing team were back on board this week, though, with poignant statements like, “amazing journey” and “romance blossomed.” Because there were roses. Get it? Clever.
Sticking with tradition, our fav bachelor took to his hotel swimming pool to perform his weekly thinking and rose calculations. Something something about feelings. Something something about Thailand and feelings. Gosh, he was just so “deep” in thought in that water. See where this is heading?
But before Bach could really make this hard decision, he had to put his ladies to the ultimate test. Cue family. In walked Tim’s mum, dad, brother and what looked to be his sister? Or possibly his ex-wife. Hard to say. He astutely explained that the two bitches they would meet were different. They had different jobs. One was 26 and the other 27. Which means they are younger than him.
What I wouldn’t give to sit in on a family dinner with these guys.
Rochelle was first bitch off the rank, and Bach helpfully explained that Mummy was a “psychologist” just as they were walking out the door. I’m assuming this is the same as Tim being a “chiropractor” so I wasn’t too concerned. In another act of subtle symbolism, the editors showed us several shots of a storm brewing over the horizon and melancholy drips of rain on the roof. Oooohh…it seems trouble was ahead. Straight away Rochelle jumped into her favourite topic: her walls. For realz, this girl bloody loves talking about them! We know you had walls up. We know Tim smashed them down with his massive, tanned biceps. WE GET IT! By the time she’d said the word for the seventh time, I was looking for Miley to come busting through the door with a live version of ‘Wrecking Ball’. Alas, that didn’t happen. What did happen though was equally as shocking and entertaining… Tim’s mum was a bitch!
Obviously the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, because, just like her stripper son, Mummy was ALL about the feelings. Tim had obvi filled her in on Rochelle’s unforgiveable past as a beauty queen, so the girl was just stuck up the proverbial creek without a paddle or a tiara. Despite telling her that she loved Tim, Mumsy was still convinced that Rochelle was, “… holding something back.” Her dignity? Her self-respect? Her SlimFast contract?
Anna was off to a better start by awkwardly hugging Mum as they walked out to her den of despair. But she soon suffered a similar fate to Rochelle when Mrs Bach got all Judge Judy and started interrogating the poor girl on her past relationships. She was v shocked and appalled that Anna hadn’t brought men home before! Now I’m no dating expert, but isn’t that a lot better than having brought home a whole football team of men? Or at least better than being a hooker? Or a stripper? Oh wait…
While Anna was busy playing the crying card, the editors cut back to the family, and the actors playing Tim’s father and brother pretended to care about something. Probably related to feelings.
For their final date, Tim decided to blindfold each girl and take her somewhere really “special”. In other words, he wanted to take them somewhere he could remove his shirt again. Anna explained that Tim had “…kept her in the dark” about the date. Yeah. Probs cos you were blind-folded. Aren’t lawyers meant to be smart? Anyway, Anna found herself on a boat, then there was this section where they canoodled and talked about feelings a lot and I kind of zoned out. I think it was at this point we went to get champagne refills. We re-convened when they were back in Tim’s natural beach habitat, where he chopped up a coconut and splashed juice in Anna’s face. Inappropriate.
She revealed that she didn’t want to tell him she loved him until the last moment of their date. Something about remembering her? So to illustrate her point, she showed up to dinner with her red box. OOOHHH MYSTERY! What was inside? Rochelle’s heart? Ali wielding nun chucks? No. It was what appeared to be a set of cards. Cue cards for Tim, I assumed. Again, no. It was a list of the things Anna loved about Tim. Ummmmm…..Isn’t that exactly what you said you would NEVER DO, Anna?!! She seemed v nervous about reading her list. So nervous, in fact, that she forgot how to do maths. FYI babe, a quarter of 40 is 10. She had no reason to be worried, really, because there’s nothing Tim likes more than hearing lists of reasons why he’s so great.
Rochelle had a hard act to follow with that list when she met Tim, sans bra, somewhere in Thailand. She too was blindfolded and led to a waiting elephant. What’s that? There’s no water there so how did Timmy cope with his clothes on? Guys, don’t stress. After their jungle tour atop the elephant, where Rochelle talked a lot about walls and feelings, the pair found themselves on a bridge. Above water. Phew! Bachelor Shaving Cream explained that there was this Thai tradition that the woman performs to show her dedication to the man. Sex? Disappointingly not. No, they just held hands and dunked themselves in the water. Boo.
Later that night, they cuddled up on a couch somewhere and talked about feelings again. Snore. Pass the blue cheese.
FINALLY! It was the last ever rose ceremony. Like, EVER. While Bach meticulously shaved off his permanent stubble *tear*, the girls put on their falsies, ghd’d their hair and got dressed for the end of their amazing journey. Is it just me, or was Rochelle’s choice of fluoro evening gown not appropriate? Sorry, babe, it looked like you go it off a sale rack at ICE. Anna, on the other hand, was conveniently dressed in a very bridal-looking white and gold number. Coincidence? I think not.
All eyes on Tim as he took his place upon the alter of sacrifice love (surrounded by water, luckily), and we waited with baited breath to see which poor crazy bitch was going to walk around the corner first and miss out. A hint of fluoro from Rochelle’s dress was all it took to reveal that Anna would be the chosen one. Duh.
Poor Rochelle. We, as intelligent viewers, knew that she was about to get dumped. Although I was never the biggest Rochelle fan, I gotta say, it was a little like watching a cow being lead into the abattoir. As Bachelor Squat Thrust was telling her how great she was (something he is used to doing in the mirror), Rochelle seemed to be hyperventilating. Seriously, she was heavy breathing all over the place. Tim was obviously without his usual cue cards, because he was stumbling stupidly through his speech and smiling at her inappropriately. I wouldn’t be surprised if she honestly thought she had it in the bag. Until he revealed that his heart was leading him somewhere else. *Gasp*
“Ok. Yep. Yep. Ok. Ok. Ok. Yep. Thank you.”
WHERE WAS OSHER?!! Isn’t that the part where he appears in his velvet suit and whisks the heartbroken mess of a girl away? Osher was bloody nowhere to be seen and everyone seemed v confused and disorientated, because Rochelle awkwardly walked off and into a waiting station wagon. Good one, Osher. You’re fired.
Enter Anna in her faux bridal gown. What followed was a lot of dumb grinning, more talk of feelings and amazing journeys, awkward laugh-crying and Bach proclaiming his love for the lawyer who’d never had a boyfriend. Sweet. He then presented her with the previously mentioned ring that, surprisingly, symbolized their journey together through a forest of 24 crazy bitches. Because we are ALL about symbolism, right?
She stupidly accepted, there was a kiss, more laugh-crying and we cut to a badly edited CGI of fireworks over the coast of Thailand and I was left to cry into my Sparkling Brut. The End.
But never fear, my dears, ‘The Bachelor: After the Final Rose’ airs tonight where all of the bitches will return with fresh botox and bruised egos to get all up in Tim’s grill. I am actually peaking in anticipation for ALL OF THE FEELINGS!
I do hope you’ve enjoyed my Bachelor blog journey. Feel free to go back and re-live the drama of the past 13 weeks while I figure out what the actual crap to do with my life. I’m thinking alcohol.
Farewell.
That's What She Said... 
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