Tag Archives: Bachelor finale

The Bachelor Season 4: Bring home the Banana

16 Sep

As Kim Craig nee Day once said, “I’m feeling a lot of feelings.” And I am. Along with just about everyone else in Australia. You can literally sense the collective annoyance, yet relief that this awkward Bachie journey has stumbled across the finish line.

 

kim-day

Thin ice, Richie.

 

But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

REMEMBER WE’RE IN BALI GUYS! Rice paddies, nature, Buddhas, more rice paddies, water, temples, CULTURE!

Straight up we know it can’t be an overly eventful finale because we’re taken on a lengthy trip down memory lane to fill time. You gotta hand it to Osher Gunsberg – he knows how to work it when the chips are down. He regales everyone on Bachie Bananas’ “unforgettable” journey…but…was it though? Strange, yes. Repetitive, yes. Unforgettable? Nussomuch.

 

cool-bananas

#unforgettable

 

But as we all know, there can only be one victor in the race for the Banana, so we gotta keep this train moving.

Cut to Richie doing some VERY serious sunset thinking. He says a lot of words like adventure, journey, Bali, sunset, love, and decisions. Poor guy must have worked extra hard at memorizing those cue cards last night.

And speaking of which, there’s an assistant producer on this show who should probably lose their job for not reminding Bachie that he doesn’t have read off his cue cards when he’s around his own family. I’m not even joking, he spoke to his mum and sister like he was trying to get them to sign up for a gym membership.

Although, Memorable Moment #1 goes to Mummy Bananas with her sassy response to Richie telling her where Northam is. She’s from WA…she knows.

Bachie excitedly tells his mum about all the cool and humiliating things he’s been forcing his harem of girlfriends to do over the last few weeks. And obviously before either of the remaining girls can bring home the Banana, they’ve gotta get past their final, slightly less humiliating obstacle – meeting Mummy and Sister Bananas.

Umm…can I just say something? Don’t get mad, but I don’t think I like Mummy Bananas all that much. Yes, it’s her job to come on here and grill the two women competing for her precious son. Buuuuuuut, I think the penny dropped for a lot of viewers last night; THIS is why Richie is such an awkward manchild – his mum. I mean, you cannot judge a girl for being a single mother when your own son has LITERALLY just dated 22 women at once.

She also demands to know if Alex has explained to 31 year-old Richie that children change your routine? Err…call me crazy…but shouldn’t he just know that? The Dark Knight Rises theme song plays in the background as Alex tries her best to defend her life choices to her communal boyfriend’s mother. This is bullshit.

Nikki has it no better though. She’s accused of being on the rebound and having the nerve to play games with Richie. Honestly, these two women made flipping fools of themselves for your son. THEY WRESTLED IN KANGAROO SUITS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

 

mummy-banana

It’s all making sense now…

 

I know I throw a lot of shade at this show and can sometimes get a little carried away with my talk on the women who compete in this, but all of a sudden I feel myself getting very protective of both Alex and Nikki. This has never happened before. I’m a bit scared.

Basically though, once she’s finished with the two of them, Richie’s mum says the exact same shit Olena said to him yesterday but this time he actually takes it seriously without cracking the sads. I miss Olena.

This episode is starting to make me mad.

Time for the final dates!

 

NIKKI

Transport: Helicopter.

Memorable Moment #2:  “Omigod is that a volcayyynoo?”

Richie says he has this super “unique” experience planned for Nikki for their final date. What will it be?? Bintangs on Kuta beach? No. He takes her to go look at a temple and have her shit stolen by monkeys. Paint it however you want, but those monkeys are terrifying and likely to be carrying some kind of tropical disease – I’ve seen Outbreak. 

 

monkey-crazy

ROMANCE!

 

A girlfriend and I went to Bali earlier this year and I legit feel like our trip down a river rapid in plastic helmets was more romantic than this.

I just cannot take her telling him he’s the most incredible man she’s ever met anymore. Girlfriend, please stahp it, you’re too good for this! Gawd if he doesn’t choose her I’mma be bloody devastated.

 

ALEX

Transport: Yacht.

Memorable Moment #3: “I wanted to read you my poem I wrote for you…again.”

Just when I thought you’d won me over, Alex, you’ve lost me again. Having said that, at least there aren’t any rabid monkeys to contend with, so I guess that’s a win.

They go swimming. And I think that’s all I have to say about that.

 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Final poolside thinking. Nature, Bali, water, pool, thinking. Much Bali. Richie just isn’t sure which blonde is the right blonde for him…or does he. All of a sudden he’s saying all this stuff about having to follow his heart, so maybe between the monkeys and the poems he realised which girl has proven herself worthy of the Banana.

The two girls do the usual thing of thoughtfully putting on their makeup and perfume and looking in the mirror and telling themselves the man who made them care for robot babies and eat animal innards is going to choose them.

And that’s where my Bachie Dress Theory comes in. It isn’t Nikki, the clear favorite, who is going to win. It’s Alex who’s in the more pure, more virginal gold dress. They ALWAYS put the winner in the virginal dress. Anna, Sam, Snezana and now Alex. It’s a thing, guys, look into it. Nikki can no longer win because she is wearing red and only harlots wear red apparently.

Richie waits for the first limo to pull up so he can tell the poor woman in it that she is not worthy of his Cool Bananas.

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

 

taylor-i-told-you

Oooh it’s bad. It’s so bad. But Nikki, you’re a class act; I couldn’t f*cking watch. Even she knows she’s too good for this.

 

nikki-losing

You still look bangin in that red dress, babe.

Look, there’s nothing I love more than being proven right, but I dunno if that was worth it.

THE COLOUR OF THE DRESS MEANS EVERYTHING!

So now we know – Alex is about to take home the Banana. I mean, as if he wasn’t going to pick the single mum. You don’t take the single mum all the way to the finale then dump her, otherwise that means you are the biggest douche canoe ever in the whole world. We really should have seen this coming, guys.

Obviously she is stoked and the two of them collapse into an awkward fit of laugh-crying. And while we’re on this super close up shot, what the hell is that thing they have put around Alex’s neck? What what what is it? Now this is over, someone get rid of it and put her in a pair of denim shorts and Havianas like everyone else is Bali!

 

alex-and-richie

We’re just so…LUCKY. Ha ha!

 

Guys, Australia is MAD. Like, really mad. This could go Blake Garvey level.

 

At least it’s over. Even this guy cannot wait to get the funk outta here…

 

osher-going-home

Where’s my AIR ASIA flight, suckers?

Okay Georgia Love…it’s all on you now, babe. I’m ready for some table-flipping…

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The Bachelor Season 3 Finale: There Can Only Be One Nissan

17 Sep

Wow. What an amazing, crazy journey. I cannot believe what a ride it has been, but it has led us to this very moment and I am so excited to share my feelings with you. Many journey, much feelings.

 

Keeping in this season’s theme of #budgetcuts, I am going to speed through this wrap up so that everyone can go home early and not get paid overtime.

In other news, it turns out my skills of Bachie perception have taken a serious dive of late, much like the budget of this show. But more on that later.

Up until this point I was legitimately holding out for some kind of Exotic Finale Sexy Party Extravaganza in a foreign country. I really did think that maybe the producers had been stringing us along with their endless parade of random lounge rooms and cheese platters only to surprise us with a finale trip to the Arctic Circle or some shit.

But no.

No, they’re just straight up broke. Rumour has it that all available funds have been poured into maintaining the Bachelorette’s spray tan. (Too soon?)

Because of this, Woody has taken his final two potential wives to the country. Not any specific country, just a general “country” setting, which by the looks of it, is the backyard of Malcolm Turnbull’s place.

I’m so not on board with this shit. YOU CANNOT HAVE A BACHIE FINALE WITHOUT A FOREIGN LOCATION!

Joining him in the General Country is his adorable family. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. They are v v cute in a v v Tasmanian way. And in fairness, at least Sam also treats them to a Random (Outdoor) Lounge Room.

Both bitches meet his family. Everyone is very pleasant and cute and successfully avoids bringing up anything to do with polygamy. Mr Wood even sheds a tear. One can only IMAGINE the television magic if he had met Warwick. That’s the real tragedy here, y’all.

 

sam sister

I’m so sorry we’re not in Africa. 

 

FINAL DATES

Because #budgetcuts, the final dates are a combination of fancy transport and my favourite decor, Random Lounge Rooms.

 

LANA

Mode of Transport: Helicopter

Destination: A lake somewhere in NSW.

Woody explains that all women love ‘The Notebook’ like all women love dressing up in their underwear and playing bubble soccer. For this reason he decides to take her on a row boat and all of a sudden I really hope there is a God up there because I am praying they tip over into that rank water. Who loves ‘The Notebook’ NOW, bitches?

 

lana boat

I hope that boat is made by Nissan.

 

Random Lounge Room: Outdoor. Roasting marshmallows. One of the interns has masterfully recreated the Pottery Barn catalogue and they don’t even funking sit on it. There just stand there looking at each other and talking about stuff. Probably related to travel.

Declaration: “We both have really big eyes.”

 

PARMIGIANA

Mode of Transport: Hired convertible. *NOT a Nissan*

Destination: Unknown. They drive around a lot until they get to what looks like a dried up creek bed. Parmigiana calls it a “beach”. It looks like the creek where I once got stung by a mosquito and ended up in hospital with what the doctors thought was Ross River Fever.

Random Lounge Room: Indoor. Many candles. They are down to their last 20 bucks because the funking lounge is made of funking HAY BALES! Like I know they’re in “the country” but what the funk is happening? At least there is a cheese platter, so all is not lost.

(I’m starting to believe Sam’s real true love is cheese platters. It seems we have more in common than I first thought…)

 

hay bales

So much country. Much #budgetcuts.

 

Parmigiana reminds Woody again about her real daughter who is not a Cabbage Patch Doll and how important it is that he understands she is a real human and not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The message seems to be getting through.

Declaration: “I have fallen in love with you and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I am drunk.”

 

At this point I was still pretty sure Lana had it in the bag. Those Bachie magnets were still embedded firmly under her skin and her powers of travel appeared to be holding. Plus I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Woody’s reaction to the idea of Parmigiana having a kid was a little like this…

 

leo 2

 

And then suddenly, this is it. We are minutes away from discovering the winner in the race for Wood.

Obvi Woody has to do some SERIOUS shaving thinking and, FYI, that has to be the shittest shaver going around because he seems to use it erry goddamn week and it has made no flipping difference.

Blah blah everyone gets ready in their budget motel room.

Woody comes out and meets Osher amongst a garden that can only be described as floral carnage. Legit, a couple of Lincraft stores died just to make this happen; there is crap ERRYWHERE.

While Osher attempts to wade his way back through the knee-deep rose petals, the two women get into their vehicles. Its OK, everyone. They ARE Nissans. We might still have some sponsorship money.

As we have previously established, first girl out of the car is the big loser and I could not believe my funking eyes but it’s Lana. Like, WHO AM I?! I have picked the winner of this goddamn show without fail so far, but for some reason, this stupid Tasmanian guy keeps hoodwinking me!!

I won’t retell the whole dumping scene, but she and her big eyes take it well. Probably something to do with how travel she is. Don’t worry Lana, if there’s one thing a girl can rely on, it’s a speedy Nissan getaway car.

It’s a bit sad really, but at least Nina will be super happy with this outcome.

 

nina happy

Yay! Intruders suck!

 

HOORAY FOR PARMIGIANA AND KIEV!

Amongst the world’s ugliest floral canopy in the back garden of a random Sydney mansion, our 2015 Bachelor reveals to Parmigiana that he is madly in love with her and can they bone already?

 

finale carnage

Someone got paid to decorate this. 

 

It’s bloody beautiful.

He even gives her a present to give to her Non-Cabbage-Patch-Doll daughter, Kiev. If I wasn’t a completely stone-hearted feminist, I would have shed a tear.

Oh wait, it’s OK. Woody then gives her THE WORLD’S MOST UGLIEST RING I HAVE EVER FUNKING SEEN. According to reports, this Zamel’s monstrosity cost $22,000. And then it all makes sense…

 

zamels ring

THIS is where all the budget has gone.

The people at Bunda must be laughing their asses off at being given the boot this year.

The happy couple pash on for Australia. Woody manages to walk away looking like the good guy. And little Kiev gets a new daddy. Who will probably have to travel over to Perth on the next Greyhound bus. #budgetcuts.

Normally I would go and bury my face in the closest jar of Nutella, but not this year! My favourite two-toned-hair-extension friend, Sam Frost, is back as Bachelorette next week! HIGH FIVE FEMINISM!!

Thank for joining me, friends. It’s been a bloody pleasure.

Can somebody please pay me now??

xx

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 3: How to Save Money and Lose Bitches

17 Sep

You know things are dire when the most interesting thing that happens is that the Bachelor DOESN’T drive a Nissan for a night?

 

This is actually getting beyond a joke. Like, I legit feel like I am scraping the bottom of my sarcastic joke barrel, and, when that shit is your bread and butter, you start worrying.

I would compare tonight’s episode with the classic ‘Second Date Obligation’. You know, the boring date you go on so that you can bone on the third date and not feel bad about it?

First of all, you know the producers are trying to stress to us that things are really serious and dramatic because Woody does some serious beach thinking, then some swimming thinking, then some shower thinking and finally, some towel thinking. The four corners of Bachie thinking.

But you and I both know that this is simply a ruse for the fact that Dates with No Time Limits no longer exist, plus the fact that life in Bachie world is supremely boring and unjust since Heather left.

Tonight, Woody is going to take the remaining three bitches on three more totally non-budget dates to try and figure out which one of them will be the most accommodating wife.

 

PARMIGIANA

Parmigiana waits patiently outside the Mansion that Spotlight Built in her leather cape. But omigod, WHO is that rounding the corner in a car that is NOT a Nissan?! Surely it can’t be Woody? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! DO NISSAN KNOW ABOUT THIS??

Maybe Channel 10 lost their Nissan sponsorship and had to call on Malcolm Turnball to borrow his Lamborghini? #topical.

 

lamborghini

Do Nissan know about this??

 

After just driving around Sydney aimlessly for a few hours, they end up…somewhere on Sydney Harbor and Woody points to the Opera House and tells Parmigiana that they’re going there next. But first, he needs to change her out of that leather cape and into a sponsor-approved GASP dress.

Parmigiana happily obliges and actually seems legitimately impressed with the fact her communal boyfriend made her change out of her own clothes, into a dress that he prefers. (FYI fellas, chicks don’t like that shit. Once I’ve chosen the bra I’m going to wear, it would take a serious natural disaster to make me change.)

Somehow they make their way over to the Opera House and look at Sydney Harbor from the other side. Guys, shit is going down hill fast. Last year they went to funking Africa, but now I just feel like all Sam does is chaperone numerous bitches from one view of Sydney to another.

But HOLD THE PHONE HE IS TAKING HER TO A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF THE BALLET!

Mind you, it’s during the day and not at night when the actual paying customers show up. Parmigiana is of course v v impressed by this budget matinee and doesn’t seem to notice Woody drifting off to sleep.

Back at the View of Sydney Harbor #2, Parmigiana lays down the law about having a real child and not a Cabbage Patch Doll and Woody pretends to care about the fact they won’t be able to go on last-minute sex holidays and says a lot of words to do with expectations and connections and it is definitely not his subtle way of telling her that they are never going to happen and he is picking Lana because she is very travel and doesn’t have any children.

 

OBVIOUS WINNER LANA

Because Lana is very travel, Woody has obviously organised some sort of activity on a sea plane. They meet on the jetty where an apparent wind storm is f*$%ing shit up and Lana has decided now would be a good time to wear her spring hat.

There must be some sort of Bachie magnet imbedded in Lana’s skin because the guy cannot stop touching her flipping arm! It’s so off-putting I don’t remember anything they said to each other but it was probably something about travel.

Up in the sea plane they go to… Palm Beach! (As in, a beach on the other side of Sydney Harbor.) Gosh, Lana is a good actress because she looks excited about it. I would just be pissed off.

 

wow gif

Another view of the harbor? I can’t wait!

 

They land in Palm Beach at another Random Living Room and have dinner in the driveway (?) where Woody continues to try and touch her arm and tell her how quickly he’s falling in love with her side-swept hair.

And then this happened…

 

pool kissing

Mate, that’s not her arm you’re touching.

 

BUSY BUSINESSWOMAN SARAH

We are continuing the theme of hats tonight, with Sarah awaiting her fancy mode of transport in another spring hat.

And yep, that my friends, is a bloody horse-drawn carriage. It is also white. Like this relationship.

While they fanny about in the thing that is meant to distract us from the fact they are not in a foreign country, I can’t help but wonder who is taking the tourists of Melbourne around Swanston St?

They go to a café of some sort and stare awkwardly at each other and check the label of their teacups and the whole thing kind of looks like this:

 

vanilla milkshake

To “shake” things up (seewhatididthere?) Woody takes Sarah to a change of location and it’s, surprise surprise, a random couch somewhere! YAYYY!

They sit on said random couch and say more vanilla things while eating a cheese platter and sipping from their budget Jacob Creek’s Shiraz. Do I need to remind you again? Last year they went to FUNKING AFRICA AND NOW THEY ARE SITTING ON A RANDOM COUCH DRINKING JACOB’S CREEK! #budgetcuts.

 

jacobs creek

This…

giraffe

…is not THIS!

Sarah is worried because she hasn’t declared her undying love for Woody on a national TV show and we all know it’s too late because she is definitely going home tonight. I mean, she checked the brand of her teacup, their date was so non-eventful. And Sarah is clearly too busy being a businesswoman and not as travel as Lana.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bitches mope about in their Sunday best as Woody watches little video tributes from them on his iPad, where they present their last-ditch attempts for him to wife them and doesn’t at all come across as begging.

ROSE CEREMONY

No one has the time or budget to be dicking about tonight guys. Sarah’s going home. She knows it, Woody knows it.

snez and sarah

Even Parmigiana knows it.

Bye bye Busy Businesswoman. According to Woody, you just put up too many vanilla-flavoured walls trying to protect your dignity. Please try and remember what show you are on next time kthnxbye.

This is it, erryone. We are down to the final two in the Race for Wood! Join me tomorrow when we find out who Woody will give a cubic zirconia Zamel’s ring to in front of a view of Sydney Harbor.

x

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2: The Aftermath

23 Oct

ERRRMAGERRRRD! This year’s Bachie is the gift that just keeps on giving!

It is now three (actually, probably four) whole weeks since the finale episode of Africa, Bunda rings and drama drama drama. And lucky for me, things just kept getting messier. So I thought it only fitting to do a bitchy post-finale wrap-up. Because there is nothing I like better than holding on to things for longer than I should.

Allow me, if you will, a moment to catch you up on the sticky aftermath of Blake Garvey’s journey (ifyouknowwhaddamean):

  • The team went to Africa

 

  • Day before the Finale, Channel 10 pull all media interviews with Blake and “winner”. *ALARM BELLS*

 

  • Social media goes in to MELTDOWN. (Like, seriously, the internet broke).

 

  • Normal Lisa goes home because she is normal.

 

  • Blake proposes to Sam with a Bunda ring and she accepts.

 

  • 12 hours later, it is confirmed Sam and Blake have already split.

 

  • Blake comes out of the closet with his new lover Adriano Zumbo.

 

  • Sam posts the following on twitter:

 

tweet

 

  • Rumors abound that Lisa is up the duff with Blake’s lovechild (they turn out to be untrue….BOO!)

 

  • The Project finally confirm an interview with both Sam and Blake and receive their highest viewer ratings in years.

 

  • Sam calls Blake a jackass and shows herself to be a bloody legend and a half. Everybody starts following her on Instagram and declaring that Blake is the worst ever. (*Can I just say, Sam, if you’re reading this: I’m really sorry for being suuuuuuch a bitch to you. I know I hung shit on you for your two-toned hair and your unfortunate Frankston roots, but it was all fun and games really. I was wrong. Let’s be lovers. You win at everything.)

 

project

I salute you, my Queen

 

  • Everyone starts packing up their fake tan and playsuits, believing this year’s Bachie journey has sadly come to an end.

 

  • BREAKING NEWS! A new rumor surfaces about Blake Vader and Lipstick Louise. It’s almost too good to be true…

 

  • Praise be to Oprah, IT IS TRUE AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO A WHOLE INTERVIEW ABOUT THEIR TOTALLY REAL AND PURE LOVE WITH WOMAN’S DAY! (But also with The Project because we don’t want anyone to miss out).

 

And here we are.

So kids, it turns out Blake Vader just couldn’t get that delicious raspberry pavlova out of his head, because he has done a swapsie; he’s dumped Sam, flown to Thailand and declared his undying love for Lipstick Louise. Well actually, in between the finale of the show and now, Blake went to Night TAFE, graduated Literacy class, worked through his heartbreak at losing 30 potential wives and then managed to write Louise a 5-page love letter all by himself because he just cannot forget her pavlova.

Lucky for him, Louise has not been doing much else apart from sitting around crying over her wasted wife skills and the stripper who made her ride a mechanical bull for entertainment.

 

louise cry

“I learned Afrikaan for you!“

Turns out Louise totally dug Vader’s letter and the two are now shacked up together in a white and beige palace in Thailand. As Blake so expertly explained, they wanted to escape the public scrutiny and get to know each other again in private. But not before they did an interview with Woman’s Day for a casual $50 000. No biggie.

So right now I am sitting here, racking my brains as to how to explain this whole Blake-loved-Sam-but-then-didn’t-love-Sam-but-Lisa-might-be-pregnant-but-not-and-now-Blake-loves-Louise-and-she’s-totally-fine-with-it…thing. But it is more confusing and awkward than the entire series of Homeland. Fortunately though, Blake and Louise decided that “privacy” also means doing another interview with The Project.

Cut to Monday night. Bloody Carrie Bickmore flew to Thailand for 5 sodding hours to interview The Stripper Who Couldn’t Make Up His Mind and his lucky beard/girlfriend/runner-up. As promised, they are still in the White Beige Mansion, looking very white and beige in their white and beige matching outfits.

womans day

#beige

Last time, Blake told Ms Bickmore that there was absolutely no one else in his life and that he was concentrating on mending his broken heart. WHAT. A. LIAR.

So Carrie puts the hard word on our Most Hated Bachelor and he admits that after the finale he couldn’t stop thinking about Louise and his feelings for her just kept growing until he couldn’t imagine life without her. Snore.

My guess is, he spent his first 24 hour period with Sam and realized she has a much more interesting personality than him.

The really controversial moment of the interview is when Vader tries to explain to Carrie that Sam DID know about Louise but asked him not to say anything to the public.

carrie-bickmore1

“Da fuuuuuck?!”

No, Blake Vader, no.

Look, to his credit, at least he’s still as terrible an actor as he was on the show.

Louise sort of just sits there looking white and beige and verrrry much the cat who got the Bachelor cream. But then we get this pearl of a question from Carrie:

“How was it for you finding out about Blake’s past, like the pictures of him being a stripper?”

“He wasn’t a stripper.”  – L. Pillidge, 2014

stripper

Really?

Gosh, the truth is really coming out in this interview.

Boring, boring, many snaps of Blake and Louise kissing on the beach and Carrie leaves the happy beige couple in their Thai mansion and flies back to Melbourne to interview our favourite bachelorettes; Sam and Lisa.

I think we’ve already covered this, but Sam and Lisa are awesome and they win.

In a genius moment of television, Carrie has the girls watch the interview she has just done with Blake and Louise and films their reactions.

Gawd, it’s good.

They get to the bit where Vader tries to tell us that Sam asked him not to reveal his relationship with Louise to the public…

“That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard!” – Sam

“It’s just a massive web of lies!” – Lisa

And then…..BOMBSHELL!

Lisa reveals that after the Finale, Blake actually called her to ask if she still had feelings for him?! Good God, man! Do you not know that WOMEN TALK??

Lisa explains that she was all, “…how dare you. If you wanted to choose me, you choose me. I don’t come second to anyone.” Because she is normal. God bless her.

On the the plus side, the two girls admit that the experience wasn’t a total loss because they found each other and made a lasting friendship. It’s quite beautiful really. And then WHO Magazine released this…

sexiest people

In your face, Richard Mercer

And my opinion?

To be quite honest, I’m just tired of looking at Blake’s stupid face.

At the end of the day, I’m sure Louise is a super lovely person, but really, they are just as beige as each other so it’s a match made in heaven. She likes baking and wearing lipstick and he likes ladies who are good wives. Now they can go and live together in their beige house with their beige yacht and their NutriBullet.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

And that’s all, folks.

Thanks again for joining me throughout the Bachelor 2014 Journey.

***POST-SCRIPT***

FYI; I will be doing a live one-woman show based on my blogs and on The Bachelor in general in the coming year. You can keep up to date with show times and cities on the Facebook page. It’s called Prick from a Rose and I promise it will be funny and filled with bitchiness and me getting drunk.

What else is exciting, is that I’ll be joining my friend Chris O for a video blog episode on reality television and all things Bachie related. He is a total doll and the resulting vid will be appearing on YouTube. Keep an eye out for it!

If you would like to contact me or send in suggestions for future blogs/rants, feel free to do so through this site. I LOVE a smart Suggestions Box.

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The Bachelor FINALE: 100% Pure Love…. Lol JOKES!

3 Oct

NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!

Because Africa.

 

giraffe

#nature

 

HOLY CRAP WE MADE IT, TEAM!

We have arrived at the night of the finale without anyone losing an eye rub or getting street pie poisoning. Squeeee!

*Deep breaths* I am going to need to try and keep a lid on it and refrain from putting everything in capital letters while recapping this epic final love battle.

AFRICA! NATURE! FORD TERRITORY! ANIMALS! WATER! DID I MENTION THEY DRIVE FORDS HERE?

We are still in Africa. There is nature ERRYWHERE and OMIGOD STOP IT OSHER IS HERE ON PRIDE ROCK!

His hair is just loving itself sick in that safari outfit and sporting a smart casual leg mount. No big deal, I’m just here in Africa in my Gazman Casual Wear.

After recovering from the shock of seeing Osher at the very beginning of an episode, we see Blake Vader looking poignant. He has very big decisions to make tonight; one of his two favourite girlfriends out of twenty five other girlfriends will be getting a Bunda ring.

He stands in front of lots of views of Africa. He stops by a pool. Water. He mosies on down to a campsite. Fire. He looks into the flames poignantly and thinks about journeys and roses and Bunda rings.

MUM IS HERE!

Mrs Vader has arrived in Africa in her best linen two-piece and brought Bitchy Aunty Dee with her. What?! Where is Shirley MacLaine aka Blake’s grandmother? She HAS to be here! No one can make decisions without Shirley!

But alas, she has been left back at home like the other loser bachelorettes. My guess is they wouldn’t fly her Business Class so Shirley just decided not to come. Shirley ONLY flies Business Class.

On ya, Shirley.

Mrs Vader gets totes emoshi upon seeing her son and Bachie apologises, explaining he’s been so busy getting women to ride mechanical bulls and bake cakes for him that he forgot to call her. She seems OK with it.

Aunty Dee, on the other hand, is not having a bar of all this emotional crap and wants to get right down to business.

Enter Lisa.

“HELLOOOOOO! I’m Looooiysa!” she calls.

Gotta love those Queenslanders.

Lisa is her normal, chatty, laughing self until Mrs Vader asks to talk to her in private.

They go to a totally random and coincidentally decorated love seat by a pool and Mrs Vader does her best impression of her son, demanding if Lisa is in love with him. I mean, come on guys, they’ve been on a couple of dates, SURELY she must know by now?!

Lisa confirms that yes, she is indeed in love with Mufasa and is totally ready to give him many Simba babies. They start laughing. Aunty Dee doesn’t like this. There is TOO MUCH LAUGHING! Aunty Dee obviously graduated from the same Laughter Police Academy as her nephew.

Aunty Dee breaks up the laughter party and hits Lisa with the hard questions. Lisa is normal so she answers them like a normal person.

Vader returns and he and Lisa tongue pash. Gross.

NEXT!

Sam arrives. Remember she is really goofy and awkward, so she is feeling really nervous and awkward about meeting Richard Mercer’s mum.

CALL OF THE NIGHT goes to Aunty Dee as Sam is approaching:

“Oh wow, she’s blonde. On no, wait. More multi-coloured.”

I love you, Aunty Dee.

(I need to know; if you were Sam’s hairdresser, when would you get to the point where you’d just suggest, “maybe we should do a full head of foils this time, babe?” WHEN?!)

Anyhoo. Sam and Mrs Vader sit down by another totally random and coincidentally decorated fireplace and talk about feelings. Because Sam is really awkward and goofy and has no filter, she tells Mum she was worried her son would be a douchebag. Gold star, Sam.

Then she is really embarrassed because she said that word and omigod she is so awkward and goofy and can’t talk to people properly because she has no filter. What a kidder!

Mufasa shows up again and asks Mum and Aunty Dee to pick his future beard for him because he obviously can’t do it. Mrs Vader offers to adopt both of them. She is not helpful at all.

 

blake mum

Don’t forget to wear protection, darl. That’s how you got here.

 

FINAL DATES

More nature, buffalos and Ford cars. Africa.

Lisa is taken in a hot air balloon over Mufasa’s kingdom. Just like he told Louise, way back when, he explains to Lisa that everything the light touches is theirs. Lisa is super impressed.

Whilst up in the balloon, Mufasa asks Lisa what “challenges” she set for herself going into the show. You mean, apart from not getting on a mechanical bull and walking away with her dignity?

Lisa then goes on to recap their two amazing dates. Yes folks, you read that correctly. TWO. They have really only been on two f*#&ing dates! Lisa tells him they were both amazing and cannot believe he organised them out of his own pocket money just for her.

I’m starting to lose faith in you, Lisa.

They then arrive at an African-themed rotunda and sexy forehead touch for a while.

Mufasa is super dooper keen to get Lisa to tell him she loves him. It’s only fair; he organised TWO WHOLE DATES FOR HER! She OWES him!

I’m really hoping that she does an Aunty Dee and stands her ground, but it seems that all that baking and nature has finally infiltrated Lisa’s normal brain and she confirms that she is indeed, 100% in love with him.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

She tries to rationalise this by saying, ” I realise you can’t say it back to me right now.”

Weeeelllllll…..actually he could. But he doesn’t. Because romance.

 

The next morning he picks up Sam for a night safari. Remember? Because she is from Frankston and has a wild side? I hope no one told her that Lisa got a freaking hot air balloon, because if it were me, I would be PISSED.

They go safari-ing through Africa and Sam tries to get a glimpse of Mufasa’s elephant tusk, ifyouknowwhaddamean? 😉

Boring boring boring, they talk about their feelings. Sam has already told Bachie that she loves him so I don’t really know why we are forced to sit through this.

 

FINAL ROSE/BUNDA RING CEREMONY

The final two bitches are getting dressed. Both are wearing sequins. Because Africa. Lisa is in black, Sam is in silver.

Now, look, I don’t wanna seem TOO obnoxious, because that is obvi not my style AT ALL, but you don’t dress the loser in silver/bridal sparkles. This happened last year, remember? Anna (the winner) was conveniently dressed in a white and gold dress while loser Rochelle got lumped with a fluro number from Gasp? Come on.

Blake Vader is standing at the end of a tribal sacrifice alter, looking dapper in his powder-blue suit.

THIS IS IT, GUYS! (Commence many shouty capitals from here on in)

HOLY SHIT OSHER IS BACK OMIGOD HE IS WALKING DOWN THE SACRIFICE TUNNEL ARE THEY IN LOVE STOP IT I CAN’T TAKE IT!

Osher and Bachie hold hands. F*#& off, is this real?! Is THIS what the controversy was? PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

Oh no, wait, he is just wishing him luck. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE, BLAKE! YOU COULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BONA FIDE CLEO BACHELOR OF THE YEAR! YOU BLEW IT!

 

the boys

#MeantToBe

 

Sadly, Osher’s hair walks away to the approaching Ford vehicle (did I mention they drive Fords in Africa?)

And we all know that the first bitch out of the car is the loser.

They are obscuring her head.

The Ford car stops.

The door opens.

Osher’s hair blows in the wind.

*

*

*

*

And it’s Lisa.

 

I F*#&ING KNEW IT!

 

OH LISA YOU POOR THING! We all watch as Normal Lisa makes her way down the tribal sacrifice tunnel in what is pretty much the most bangin black crack dress I have ever seen!

GAWD it’s just the worst. He tells her he loves her but is IN love with someone else. ARGHHHH I CAN’T DEAL!

She just whispers nice things to him and then sashays back to the Ford Territory in her black crack dress.

Farewell Normal Lisa. You have a rockin ass. You will find someone else.

Meanwhile, Mufasa cries like a baby. Guys, STRIPPERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

 

stripper

 

So now we know. Sam from Frankston is The One. Her two-toned highlights have gotten her over the line and into the waiting arms of Blake Vader/Mufasa/Richard Mercer.

She’s walking past the phallic animal bones towards her true love. We see her extensions from the back. GAH! Someone FIX THEM!

They’re holding hands. He’s talking about love. Her face is all, “I got this in the bag.”

He kneels. He pulls out the ring box from Bunda. He opens the ring box. Yep, it’s from Bunda. Bunda.

He’s proposing!

Her answer?

“Yep. 100%. Can we bone now?”

Because Frankston.

The ring doesn’t fit her. Things get a bit awkward.

They are kissing. Vader keeps trying to talk about feelings and journeys but Sam just macks on with him to shut him up. Good thinking, Sam.

I am crying. It’s over. My life has no meaning.

 

HOLD THE PHONE!

 

POST-FINALE CONTROVERSY

Channel 10 have cancelled all media interviews with Vader and Sam. Rumors are flying about thicker than Osher’s hair wax.

Someone’s pregnant. (Please let it be this)

Someone’s dead.

Someone cheated.

 

They broke up. SWEET VALLEY HIGH THEY ALREADY HATE EACH OTHER. Good one, Osher.

Social media is going off chops. The public is OUTRAGED!

I knew it. It was her extensions. They pushed him over the edge.

Lisa makes a statement via Instagram that she is not pregnant. Boo!

 

lisa

Oh the disappointment!

 

Then this…..

 

statement

Evidently, Frankston was too far away for Blake

Luckily, Bachie has that pool of 24 rejected loser bachelorettes to choose from now.

I am dying with anticipation. In the meantime, I think I’ll go amuse myself with re-runs of Australian Idol 2004. I’ll never stop believing, Osher.

This is Bachelor 2014 over and out.

THE END.

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Everybody Loves Bachie…except Lisa

2 Oct

ZOMG guys, it’s Finale week! I can barely keep a lid on it. And neither can Blake Vader who is throwing “journey” ALL over the place! Srzly, I counted nine times this episode. And I vagued out at one stage. So lets round that up to nineteen. Nineteen totally non-scripted mentions of a beautiful/amazing/awesome/ridiculous/intense journey. Journey.

WATER JOURNEY AFRICA! Many montages of water and mentions of journeys. Wait, are we IN Africa now? Or Sydney? I’m confused. Many wildlife, much water.

No, no, we’re still in Sydney. Well, Vader couldn’t POSSIBLY leave without first stopping in at Bunda to casually pick up some bling for one of his three girlfriends. After mentioning to the manager that he would actually prefer to design the engagement ring (!!!) himself, Richard Mercer then takes a poignant stroll down the main street, thinking about journeys and water.

Meanwhile, while the real residents of the mansion that Spotlight built are moving back in and busy tearing down the hideous plastic hydrangeas and smashing all pineapple-shaped furniture, the remaining three bitches are at the airport.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS GOING AN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TOGETHER! LET’S HAVE A CHAMPS TO CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNAL BOYFRIEND!

Sam, Lisa and Louise are just having the best time ever at the passengers lounge and quietly congratulate each other on being chosen to maybe get proposed to in another country.

Cut to arriving in said foreign country (South Africa if you haven’t caught the bombardment of ads for it this week – wait, are we in South Africa because Vader is black?)

Bachie has had a smart change of clothes and is now poignantly looking about his hotel window thinking about being poignant and journeys. He’s having a real hard time remembering his lines with all this amazing view.

*TANGENT ALERT* Allow me, if you will, to quickly remind you of something. Something I would deem significant. The final three bachelorettes usually signify the time for the Dates with No Time Limits episode. Dates with sex, as we prefer to call them. Because most tall, sort of black, deep talking bachelors have at least a one in three chance of finding a girl willing to bone him. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. There is no mention of time limits or boning or love cabins and I am. so. not. ok. with. this.

This is bullshit, Channel 10. I am submitting a formal complaint. Replacing dates with potential sex for dates with potential tourism attractions is a travesty of justice! NO.

End Tangent*

So everything is slightly more boring now because there is no sex but lets go through the last three dates that Blake totally organised with his own pocket money and travel expertise.

Sam

Vader explains that Sam has “a wild side”. Obvi because she is from Frankston.

So lucky Sam gets to go shark diving.

They board a boat and watch a shark brutally kill a cute seal and then a bird. Because romance. Vader looks kind of terrified and it’s kind of funny.

 

Jaws

Can’t you feel the romance?

To allay their fears, Bachie and Sam are given black wetsuits that look pretty much exactly like seal costumes. Good thinking. They dive down in a steel cage and watch sharks swim by and it’s not interesting because there is no sex.

Journey.

Later, because she survived the shark tank, Sam gets to go on a SUPER YACHT. Not a regular yacht, a SUPER YACHT. Because water. They lie on the deck and Sam decides to tell Richard Mercer about her feelings. She says it’s really important he knows exactly what she is before he makes a decision. “What” she is? Omigod, is she about to tell him she actually has man parts as well? Because, just quietly, I don’t think that would be a problem.

No, she just tells him she loves him. But because Sam is totes goofy and funny, it takes her 15 minutes to do it. Bachie doesn’t even try and hide his impatient face. He doesn’t like it when bitches laugh or don’t bake cakes or don’t tell him they love him immediately.

Journey.

Louise

Sometimes-wears-lipstick-Louise has brought out the big guns tonight.

She’s brought her Zamel’s earrings/necklace set. Shit is getting real.

Vader explains that last time, he got a spray tan and a pedicure and showed up in the Hunter Valley took Louise to a winery so it’s really important to him that he try and top that effort.

With another f*#$ing winery.

Except this one is in a foreign country. I guess that makes a big difference.

Anyhoo, they ooh and aah and carry on over the amazing view for several minutes. Louise declares she’s never seen such a great view. Umm…not that there’s anything wrong with the lovely view, but…Lou, sweetie? DON’T YOU LIVE IN A SNOW MANSION IN THREDBO?!!

Call me crazy, but I’m starting to get the feeling this bitch is a little too upper class.

They sit down to a meal of fancy ocean trout and expensive moscato, and Louise explains that she definitely feels real romance between her and Blake.

Babe, eating a fancy lunch on national television with the guy you’re sharing with three other bitches isn’t romance. Sitting on your couch in your ugg boots, hoovering a packet of Rice Wheels while your partner plays Clash of Clans is REAL romance.*

Before anyone gets too drunk, a lovely African choir has arrived to sing to them. It is at this point that I wish I spoke Afrikaan, because I can only imagine what the English translation was…

White Girl We are Judging You?

Once she’s dried her tears, Louise is taken to another bloody view. The Presidential Suite.

Oooh…suite, you say? Isn’t that fance-talk for bedroom? Could sexy time be on the cards?

No, no no. They just sit in the pool and do some really really close talking. Snore.

Yes, she tells him she loves him. In Afrikaan. He rewards her with more close talking and a smart underwater boob grab.

Journey.

 

view

#view

Lisa

From what Richard Mercer can remember, Lisa passed the ovary test at the kindergarten date, BUT, one can never be too sure when trying to choose an appropriate baby maker.

They show up at a prep school with basically THE most adorable children on the face of the earth because it is totally OK to exploit little kids living in poverty for the sake of a reality show. Angelina would be SPITTING!

 

angelina-jolie

Not on my watch, bitches

It’s very cute and normal (because Lisa) and everyone at home calls work and quits their jobs so that they can go and teach in Cape Town. I know I did.

To meet the ostentatious modes of transport quota for the week, Lisa and Bachie then take a helicopter over the mountains of South Africa (“Look at the VIEW!”) and end up at another beachside/cliffside/presidential suite type place with a view.

This is where Lisa wins at everything because she is Lisa.

Vader is probing her to tell him she loves him; after all, his other two beards did.

She explains to camera that she has “deep feelings” (lol, “deep”) for Blake but that she is finding it hard to express, considering he is pashing two other chicks.

Right when I think her closest-thing-to-feminism-moment speech was all for nothing, and she is just going to offer herself up to Mt Blake, she does a 180 and backs the f*%# down! It is Bachie who tells her he is falling for her and she is just like, “Yeah cool. I’ll say it when you say it. Which is not now, so suffer in yer jocks.”

Gawd I love her.

Rose Ceremony

According to the soundtrack, we are now in Gotham City, as the three women put on their Zamel’s best and look poignantly in the mirror. Journey.

OSHER IS HERE! Someone saw fit to fly his weave all the way to South Africa so that he could do his 30 second bit and introduce Blake to the three bitches who already know him pretty effing well.

See Osh? This is your reward for not eating carbs or dairy  for the last 2 months. Well done, babe.

Sam gets the first rose. I bloody knew it.

The Batman soundtrack is, at this stage, so loud that my eardrums are slightly perforated.

It’s Lisa. Lisa gets the rose and sometimes-wears-lipstick Louise is the loser. I gotta say, it’s kind of awful. I mean, the girl took the time to learn Afrikaan so that she could tell Vader she loved him! Obviously, Bachie only likes girls who speak English.

Louise is dumped into a limo and taken…where? Back to the airport? I hope not, because she is not dressed in the appropriate attire for a long-haul flight. Especially now that she is the loser and will have to take economy class on Loser Airlines.

Social media erupts with farewells to our fav sometimes-lipstick-wearing bachelorette and half of the eliminated bitches declare her the most beautiful Stepford Wife ever.

Do they know what Stepford Wife means?

Doubtful.

 

inygo

 

THE LAST EPISODE IS UPON US AND I STILL DON’T HAVE A NEW HOBBY! HELP ME I’M DYING WITH EXCITEMENT BUT ALSO GRIEF!

Catch you tomorrow my loves with the final instalment for this year. *Tear*

Who is your money on? Frankston chick Sam? Or Rich but Normal Lisa?

 

 

 

*This may/may not have been exactly what I was doing tonight

 

 

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The Bachelor: Finale Ultimo

21 Nov

SQUEAL!  We made it!

After weeks of bitchy stares, awkward pashes and shirtless jogging, ‘The Bachelor’ finally came to it’s heart-stopping conclusion in picturesque Thailand where Bachelor Protein Powder chose his future beard bride.  I, for one, was fortunate enough to witness this moment in TV history at a Bachelor party with other like-minded fans of this ridiculous show.  We settled ourselves down, champagne in hand, cheese platter at the ready, and buckled in for what was sure to be a momentous evening of spray tan and feelings.

Two crazy bitches left, yet only one rose remaining.  Well actually, it was a badly designed ring, but we’ll get to that.

We opened with a touching montage of the season.  This included LOTS of shots of Tim’s Vague-Face and toey bitches frolicking around in the mansion that Spotlight built. The senior script-writing team were back on board this week, though, with poignant statements like, “amazing journey” and “romance blossomed.”  Because there were roses.  Get it?  Clever.

Sticking with tradition, our fav bachelor took to his hotel swimming pool to perform his weekly thinking and rose calculations.  Something something about feelings.  Something something about Thailand and feelings.  Gosh, he was just so “deep” in thought in that water.  See where this is heading?

But before Bach could really make this hard decision, he had to put his ladies to the ultimate test.  Cue family.  In walked Tim’s mum, dad, brother and what looked to be his sister?  Or possibly his ex-wife.  Hard to say.  He astutely explained that the two bitches they would meet were different. They had different jobs. One was 26 and the other 27.  Which means they are younger than him.

What I wouldn’t give to sit in on a family dinner with these guys.

Rochelle was first bitch off the rank, and Bach helpfully explained that Mummy was a “psychologist” just as they were walking out the door.  I’m assuming this is the same as Tim being a “chiropractor” so I wasn’t too concerned. In another act of subtle symbolism, the editors showed us several shots of a storm brewing over the horizon and melancholy drips of rain on the roof.  Oooohh…it seems trouble was ahead. Straight away Rochelle jumped into her favourite topic:  her walls.  For realz, this girl bloody loves talking about them!  We know you had walls up.  We know Tim smashed them down with his massive, tanned biceps. WE GET IT!  By the time she’d said the word for the seventh time, I was looking for Miley to come busting through the door with a live version of ‘Wrecking Ball’.  Alas, that didn’t happen.  What did happen though was equally as shocking and entertaining… Tim’s mum was a bitch!

Obviously the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, because, just like her stripper son, Mummy was ALL about the feelings.  Tim had obvi filled her in on Rochelle’s unforgiveable past as a beauty queen, so the girl was just stuck up the proverbial creek without a paddle or a tiara.  Despite telling her that she loved Tim, Mumsy was still convinced that Rochelle was, “… holding something back.”  Her dignity? Her self-respect?  Her SlimFast contract?

Anna was off to a better start by awkwardly hugging Mum as they walked out to her den of despair.  But she soon suffered a similar fate to Rochelle when Mrs Bach got all Judge Judy and started interrogating the poor girl on her past relationships.  She was v shocked and appalled that Anna hadn’t brought men home before!  Now I’m no dating expert, but isn’t that a lot better than having brought home a whole football team of men?  Or at least better than being a hooker?  Or a stripper?  Oh wait…

While Anna was busy playing the crying card, the editors cut back to the family, and the actors playing Tim’s father and brother pretended to care about something.  Probably related to feelings.

For their final date, Tim decided to blindfold each girl and take her somewhere really “special”.  In other words, he wanted to take them somewhere he could remove his shirt again.  Anna explained that Tim had “…kept her in the dark” about the date.  Yeah.  Probs cos you were blind-folded.  Aren’t lawyers meant to be smart?  Anyway, Anna found herself on a boat, then there was this section where they canoodled and talked about feelings a lot and I kind of zoned out.  I think it was at this point we went to get champagne refills.  We re-convened when they were back in Tim’s natural beach habitat, where he chopped up a coconut and splashed juice in Anna’s face.  Inappropriate.

She revealed that she didn’t want to tell him she loved him until the last moment of their date.  Something about remembering her?  So to illustrate her point, she showed up to dinner with her red box.  OOOHHH MYSTERY!  What was inside?  Rochelle’s heart?  Ali wielding nun chucks?  No.  It was what appeared to be a set of cards.  Cue cards for Tim, I assumed.  Again, no.  It was a list of the things Anna loved about Tim.  Ummmmm…..Isn’t that exactly what you said you would NEVER DO, Anna?!!  She seemed v nervous about reading her list.  So nervous, in fact, that she forgot how to do maths. FYI babe, a quarter of 40 is 10.  She had no reason to be worried, really, because there’s nothing Tim likes more than hearing lists of reasons why he’s so great.

Rochelle had a hard act to follow with that list when she met Tim, sans bra, somewhere in Thailand.  She too was blindfolded and led to a waiting elephant.  What’s that?  There’s no water there so how did Timmy cope with his clothes on?  Guys, don’t stress.  After their jungle tour atop the elephant, where Rochelle talked a lot about walls and feelings, the pair found themselves on a bridge.  Above water.  Phew!  Bachelor Shaving Cream explained that there was this Thai tradition that the woman performs to show her dedication to the man.  Sex?  Disappointingly not.  No, they just held hands and dunked themselves in the water.  Boo.

Later that night, they cuddled up on a couch somewhere and talked about feelings again.  Snore.  Pass the blue cheese.

FINALLY!  It was the last ever rose ceremony.  Like, EVER.  While Bach meticulously shaved off his permanent stubble *tear*, the girls put on their falsies, ghd’d their hair and got dressed for the end of their amazing journey.  Is it just me, or was Rochelle’s choice of fluoro evening gown not appropriate?  Sorry, babe, it looked like you go it off a sale rack at ICE.  Anna, on the other hand, was conveniently dressed in a very bridal-looking white and gold number.  Coincidence?  I think not.

All eyes on Tim as he took his place upon the alter of sacrifice love (surrounded by water, luckily), and we waited with baited breath to see which poor crazy bitch was going to walk around the corner first and miss out.  A hint of fluoro from Rochelle’s dress was all it took to reveal that Anna would be the chosen one.  Duh.

Poor Rochelle.  We, as intelligent viewers, knew that she was about to get dumped.  Although I was never the biggest Rochelle fan, I gotta say, it was a little like watching a cow being lead into the abattoir.  As Bachelor Squat Thrust was telling her how great she was (something he is used to doing in the mirror), Rochelle seemed to be hyperventilating.  Seriously, she was heavy breathing all over the place.  Tim was obviously without his usual cue cards, because he was stumbling stupidly through his speech and smiling at her inappropriately. I wouldn’t be surprised if she honestly thought she had it in the bag.  Until he revealed that his heart was leading him somewhere else.  *Gasp*

“Ok.  Yep.  Yep. Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  Yep.  Thank you.”

WHERE WAS OSHER?!! Isn’t that the part where he appears in his velvet suit and whisks the heartbroken mess of a girl away?  Osher was bloody nowhere to be seen and everyone seemed v confused and disorientated, because Rochelle awkwardly walked off and into a waiting station wagon.  Good one, Osher.  You’re fired.

Enter Anna in her faux bridal gown.  What followed was a lot of dumb grinning, more talk of feelings and amazing journeys, awkward laugh-crying and Bach proclaiming his love for the lawyer who’d never had a boyfriend.  Sweet.  He then presented her with the previously mentioned ring that, surprisingly, symbolized their journey together through a forest of 24 crazy bitches.  Because we are ALL about symbolism, right?

She stupidly accepted, there was a kiss, more laugh-crying and we cut to a badly edited CGI of fireworks over the coast of Thailand and I was left to cry into my Sparkling Brut.  The End.

But never fear, my dears, ‘The Bachelor: After the Final Rose’ airs tonight where all of the bitches will return with fresh botox and bruised egos to get all up in Tim’s grill.  I am actually peaking in anticipation for ALL OF THE FEELINGS!

I do hope you’ve enjoyed my Bachelor blog journey.  Feel free to go back and re-live the drama of the past 13 weeks while I figure out what the actual crap to do with my life.  I’m thinking alcohol.

Farewell.

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