The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Here Comes the Bitch(es)

4 Aug

“Goin to the chapel and we’re,

Gonna get (fake) married.”

 

TWO EPISODES IN ONE WEEK!?  Is this an early birthday present for me, guys?  You shouldn’t have!

(No really, you shouldn’t have because I’m still working every night and thus am doing stealth viewings at my place of employment.  I’m bloody exhausted!)

Anyhoo, Blake Vader introduces the episode while on a boat.  Because water.  Because muscles.  Something something about steering his love ship towards the horizon…

Meanwhile, the newly selected bitches are all congregating in the mess hall of school camp, otherwise known as the supposed Mansion kitchen, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Even Osher’s in on the camp act, showing up in a bloody flannelette shirt.  One that he probably bought from a sweat shop whilst on his “spiritual journey”.

The ladies awkwardly discuss the possibility of going on the first individual and group date.  “I-need-er” (Anita) laments her short-comings should she be selected for the group date.  “I’m not good with big personalities,” she admits.  I think you mean anyone with a personality, sweetie, but moving right along.

Surprise!  It’s a single date that goes to “It’s-my-mums-fault-I’m-beautiful” Jess.  The one with the big mouth.

Immediately, Anita explains that this is not acceptable because she is the absolute jealous type.  Once again, proving that going on a TV show where you compete to the death for a guy is a good life choice.

Vader modestly tells us that he has old-fashioned values, so instead of having Jess meet him anywhere, he wants to pick her up.  Now, I’m no car expert (are you shocked?) but I’m pretty sure the one he showed up in costs a bit more than a Toyota Corolla.

“It’s so gallant!” Jess exclaims in genuine wonderment.  Wow.  The dude who is potentially dating all of your slutty housemates and wants to show off a hire car he can’t afford is gallant? Evidently Jess dated guys from a swamp in high school.

Because she is the chosen one this week, we get a quick little montage of Jess running, sitting and drinking coffee.  How lucky she too loves to sit and watch the sunset near water!  No wonder she gets the first date. Because sunsets.

As they speed over the Harbour Bridge, Jess tells Vader he should let her drive and he laughs awkwardly.  I’m guessing this was to mask his mild panic at the dudes with armed weapons waiting for him at the end should he hand the controls over to anyone not on the insurance agreement.

They rock up to an abandoned underground carpark/warehouse thing and all I can think is FAKE SNOW!  Some poor bastard organized fake snow.

In what can only be Channel 10 attempting to expand their audience to include pre-teens, the designers Blake has taken a leaf from ‘Frozen’ and created a winter wonderland of sorts.  Any minute Idina Menzel will arrive and serenade them.  Sadly, she makes no such appearance, instead, Vader growls that he wanted to do something really special blah blah blah…first date..blah blah.  Babe, we know you spent the last 3 hours in make-up while the intern scoured craft markets for fake ice and plastic flowers.

They don the ice skates and look dreamily in each others eyes for a while, until Blake mentions something about being Ryan Gosling?  I legit prepare for him to take his shirt off, but apparently this is actually in reference to a scene from Crazy Stupid Love that does not include a six-pack, but rather a catch.  Snore.  I fast-forwarded through this bit, pausing momentarily to see if they would fall and slice a finger off.  Nothing says romance like a trip to the emergency room.

Eventually, Jess is gifted with a dress that is very in step with the whole ‘Frozen’ theme and makes her way down a runway of sorts in a very awkwardly managed sequence that makes it look like she is being sacrificed to him.  Jess/Elsa then retires to a couch with Barry White and they talk softly about feelings.  Is it just me, or does anyone else lose the ability to hear him when he talks at such a low frequency?  Props to Jess/Elsa then, because the girl must have the hearing of a mutant!  He gives her a rose and they kiss.  The end.

Back at the asylum, it’s my favorite point of the episode – GROUP DATE!

Praise be to God, Anita is selected along with Laurina to go on the most inappropriate first date in the history of everything – Battle of the Bitches, I mean, BRIDES!  Four girls are chosen as brides, while the others will play the part of bridesmaids in a photoshoot.  And this is where we meet Cara.  Where did she come from? I hear myself saying.  Well, whoever she is, girlfriend needs to run some John Frieda frizz-free through that hair, just sayin.

Laurina is chosen as one of these said brides, which is fortunate, seeing as she could wear her eyebrows as a headpiece, so that’s economical.  The other girls don’t see the practical advantage of this decision and don’t clap.  DER-RAMA!

Tiarner (???) cracks the sads over having her hair done in a mildly sophisticated style.  She bitches at the make-up artist for what seems like 5 minutes but apparently the girl is a mute or just doesn’t give a shit (most likely this) and continues on “gallantly”. (Also, gallant is my new favorite word.)

Laurina calms everyone’s fear about the shoot because she was a model, so she is really good at modeling.  She is also really good at talking about modeling. Model. Modeling.  She models really good while three other loser bridesmaids stand around plotting her death.

While all this modeling is happening, Anita shows up to watch her potential victim husband pretend to marry someone else.  “Turn around Blakey boy,” she whispers, and, I swear to God, I see her wings curl up in a cloud of black smoke.  Luckily Blakey doesn’t hear this or else I’d bet his rectum would have seized up to the size of a pin hole.

At this point I’m hoping to catch the update on HairGate, but to no avail.  Instead, Disney Face proclaims, “Today is the day Princess Diana becomes a bride!”  Why has no one spoken to her about this?! WHHHYYYYYY???!!!!

 

Anyway because I am soooo late, I’mma speed right through this….

 

We make it to the rose ceremony without anyone losing an eye. Osher drops the bombshell that TWO bitches will be going home with no Blake tonight.  That’s one person plus a whole nother one!

Anita’s enchantment holds strong and she stays.  So does Laurina and her eyebrows.  It turns out Vader WAS a fan of the bridesmaid up-do because Tiarner and her hairtastrophe are sent packing.  And another girl who hasn’t had any air time. BUT WAIT!  The rest of Laurina’s face starts to get verrrry upset.  Chantal is having none of this and scolds her for crying in front of Vader because she should feel totes lucky to have made it past the second week of a competition where she is competing for a husband who took another chick on a ‘Frozen’ date and macked on with her twice.

“I don’t even care.  I don’t even know the guy. I’m not emotionally invested.  I’m thinking far too logically for a model.”

Disappointing Laurina.  I expected better of you. That is not the attitude of an upstanding Narre Warren local/model.

She better get back on the crazy train or I will go out in protest.

 

Until next time, bridezillas!

 

 

 

jess

Let it go, let it gooooo-ooooo…..

 

 

P.S. This time I ACTUALLY promise to get my recap in on time, guys!

 

 

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