Tag Archives: jess

The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: 8 Simple Rules for Dating Multiple Daughters

26 Sep

Guys, guys, guys…. You’re gonna have to keep an eye on me and stop me from losing my shit over the suggested events of next week before I finish this week’s parental wrap-up. Take a breath…yes, there’s a proposal…calm down. We have to get through meeting the in-laws first before that can happen. Baby steps.

OK. I’m good.

Episode opens. Things are back to normal, it would seem. Blake Vader is v v serious about home visits because he is running by water. Then he’s walking by water. Then he’s swimming in water. Then he slow exits from the water. Shit is getting real. Water.

Despite being given an hour and a half time slot tonight, we are wasting no time. Richard Mercer cannot possibly go on any longer without a wife. This is NO time for idle chit chat or mechanical bull riding.

LOUISE

What the shit? She lives in Thredbo? Is this even real? If this IS real life, WHEN has she possibly had the time (or purpose) to fit in all that lipstick wearing? Have you ever seen a skiier shoot down the slopes wearing the new Napolean Neon Nights No-Rub Satin Gloss Matte Pigment Pout Fancy Not-Fancy Loaded Lip Colour? Didn’t think so.

Many snow. Many kissing. Much kissing in the snow. With all this talk of snow, I assume her parents live in an igloo. This is obviously way cool and so I am bitterly disappointed when I find out they live in a regular house with… NO SNOW.

DER-RAMA! Blake Vader is so nervous about impressing one quarter of his girlfriends’ parents that he spills his champs all over Louise’s non-lipstick wearing father. It’s really serious, guys. Everyone looks concerned. How will Louise recover from this? Obvi, if she really loved him, she would take the blame for Richard Mercer’s boo-boo and apologise. But she doesn’t. It’s not looking good.

After Dad changes into clean dacks, he questions Bachie about his intentions and why he likes his lipstick-wearing daughter so much.

“I really liked Louise’s lipstick and she baked the bestest cake for me, like ever.”

Dad says he can’t ask for anything more than that.

Call me crazy, but maybe not dating three other women might have been a smart suggestion…

 

louise dad

You owe me new pants, dude

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial x2*

 

SAM

Sam tells us she’s from, “…the Mornington Penninsula.” Now, I know there are a few of you readers out there who are not from Melbourne so I’mma give you a quick Geography lesson; Mornington Penninsula is a fairly large and general area to the south of Melbourne and is the phrase most people use when they don’t want to tell you they actually come from Frankston. Which makes a lot of sense, considering Sam’s two-toned roots and disturbing penchant for bronzer.

They kick off home visit with a classy stop at the Penninsula Hot Springs. Because nothing says romance quite like marinating in other people’s dead skin cells. (Look, I have been there. Those baths are communal, people, COMMUNAL!)

After their little dip, they arrive at Sam’s sisters house. Sam’s sister is obviously from the same Victorian School for Feminism as Sam because she explains that, “…being married is just the best thing.”

There is hope for Sam, though, because Sister evidently has a good hairdresser. Hopefully during their really natural and secret talk on the front lawn, she gave Sam his number.

At dinner everything is going really well and I am dying a little bit over Sam’s younger brother Josh who is, like, 10. But just while everyone is enjoying their $10 Savvy B, Sam panics and seems to only just now realise there are three WHOLE OTHER GIRLS wanting to marry her boyfriend.

Vader chases her outside, and, I’m really sorry guys, but I gotta say this (cover your eyes if you don’t like predicted spoilers): He loves her. Just pick her, already. But don’t because I really want to watch the last two episodes. But seriously.

Richard Mercer basically asks Sam to tell him that he is her effing soulmate and she can’t because…you know, feelings feelings, polygamy, walls, polygamy etc. He looks very upset. He explains that her guard went up again and she was obviously doubting herself, which is bloody ridiculous because he only has three other potential wives, HOW VERY DARE SHE.

 

LISA

Lisa is a Sunny Coast girl. From Noooooooosa. Because Noosa beach is, “outdoorsy.” Nooooooosa.

Umm, guys… LISA IS RICH!

Yeah, no big deal, her family just live in a waterfront mansion across from Lisa Curry-Kenny’s place. Because money.

 

lisa-curry-kenny

#neighbours

 

Nothing dramatic happens because Lisa and her rich family are normal and her dad doesn’t even give two shits because if she doesn’t win he will just buy her a husband.

Lisa, if you’re reading this, I will wife you.

 

*Smelly Vagina Wash Commercial*

 

JESS

Soo….this is really awkward. Jess/Elsa isn’t taking Blake Vader to her family home. She is having him meet her AT A FREAKING CARAVAN PARK! Apparently this is because she had many a happy family vacay here as a little one, but I am not sold. I have a really bad feeling her actual house is where they’ve been keeping Osher locked up in between episodes and forcing him to watch Ready, Steady Cook. 

Blah blah blah they meet on the beach and have fish and chips and stare at each other and sexy forehead touch and speak really slowly about feelings. Then Jess/Elsa tells Vader that, should she win, she would want them to just date and NOT live together at first like any regular couple. Can anyone believe that came out of her mouth? It is pretty much the most normal thing she has said for the last 2 months. Consequently, Blake no likey.

Back at the Blue Dolphin, Mr & Mrs Jess have hired out one of those mega fancy cabins that us middle class slappers used to gawk at while chasing bush turkeys back to our crappy tent.

After doing some manly stuff (fishing) with Mr Jess, Richard Mercer returns to Cabin Versailles and takes Jess/Elsa outside again for more sexy forehead touching. She talks a lot about putting things on tables and Bachie pretends that it means something important.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Woah. Things are bloody #sombre. There is no cocktail party or pre-drinks or any general merriment. Osher floats in on his hair cloud for a moment and reminds us that things are really serious.

Lisa gets a rose.

Louise gets a rose. (And cries.)

My mouth was actually gaping at this moment…the moment that I realised that maybe I cared a bit too much about this show.

Jess/Elsa is taken outside for a last sexy forehead touch, I presume? No, no that’s not it; Vader is v conflicted and asks Jess/Elsa to tell him that he is the man for her. Like, THE man. Obviously, because she is Jess/Elsa and everything ever is amazing and awesome and this show is really about love, she strokes his ego with her slow talking and confirms that this is true. She goes back inside.

Sam looks pissed.

Blake Vader picks up the last rose *gasp*…he looks like he’s about to say something…. but something is wrong *gasp*…. something is happening to his face.

THIS…

 

crying

Strippers have feelings too

SAAAAAH MUCH EMOTION.

HOLY CRAP GUYS, JESS/ELSA IS GOING HOME! Even though she told him EXACTLY what he wanted to hear, she is a big, slow-talking loser whose fancy cabin just doesn’t fit in with the Bachie lifestyle.

The poor pet.

She handles it like any Disney princess and drives off into the night on her snowmobile. But before I can feel anymore sympathy, I see the teaser for next week’s finale and I JUST CANNOT DEAL!

I need to stem my flow…. I don’t know if I can make it to next Thursday…

Please join me for the final two installments in this Bachelor journey next week. I will try and be funny while I deal with the inevitable loss. But I can’t make any promises…

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 2 Recap: Here Comes the Bitch(es)

4 Aug

“Goin to the chapel and we’re,

Gonna get (fake) married.”

 

TWO EPISODES IN ONE WEEK!?  Is this an early birthday present for me, guys?  You shouldn’t have!

(No really, you shouldn’t have because I’m still working every night and thus am doing stealth viewings at my place of employment.  I’m bloody exhausted!)

Anyhoo, Blake Vader introduces the episode while on a boat.  Because water.  Because muscles.  Something something about steering his love ship towards the horizon…

Meanwhile, the newly selected bitches are all congregating in the mess hall of school camp, otherwise known as the supposed Mansion kitchen, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Even Osher’s in on the camp act, showing up in a bloody flannelette shirt.  One that he probably bought from a sweat shop whilst on his “spiritual journey”.

The ladies awkwardly discuss the possibility of going on the first individual and group date.  “I-need-er” (Anita) laments her short-comings should she be selected for the group date.  “I’m not good with big personalities,” she admits.  I think you mean anyone with a personality, sweetie, but moving right along.

Surprise!  It’s a single date that goes to “It’s-my-mums-fault-I’m-beautiful” Jess.  The one with the big mouth.

Immediately, Anita explains that this is not acceptable because she is the absolute jealous type.  Once again, proving that going on a TV show where you compete to the death for a guy is a good life choice.

Vader modestly tells us that he has old-fashioned values, so instead of having Jess meet him anywhere, he wants to pick her up.  Now, I’m no car expert (are you shocked?) but I’m pretty sure the one he showed up in costs a bit more than a Toyota Corolla.

“It’s so gallant!” Jess exclaims in genuine wonderment.  Wow.  The dude who is potentially dating all of your slutty housemates and wants to show off a hire car he can’t afford is gallant? Evidently Jess dated guys from a swamp in high school.

Because she is the chosen one this week, we get a quick little montage of Jess running, sitting and drinking coffee.  How lucky she too loves to sit and watch the sunset near water!  No wonder she gets the first date. Because sunsets.

As they speed over the Harbour Bridge, Jess tells Vader he should let her drive and he laughs awkwardly.  I’m guessing this was to mask his mild panic at the dudes with armed weapons waiting for him at the end should he hand the controls over to anyone not on the insurance agreement.

They rock up to an abandoned underground carpark/warehouse thing and all I can think is FAKE SNOW!  Some poor bastard organized fake snow.

In what can only be Channel 10 attempting to expand their audience to include pre-teens, the designers Blake has taken a leaf from ‘Frozen’ and created a winter wonderland of sorts.  Any minute Idina Menzel will arrive and serenade them.  Sadly, she makes no such appearance, instead, Vader growls that he wanted to do something really special blah blah blah…first date..blah blah.  Babe, we know you spent the last 3 hours in make-up while the intern scoured craft markets for fake ice and plastic flowers.

They don the ice skates and look dreamily in each others eyes for a while, until Blake mentions something about being Ryan Gosling?  I legit prepare for him to take his shirt off, but apparently this is actually in reference to a scene from Crazy Stupid Love that does not include a six-pack, but rather a catch.  Snore.  I fast-forwarded through this bit, pausing momentarily to see if they would fall and slice a finger off.  Nothing says romance like a trip to the emergency room.

Eventually, Jess is gifted with a dress that is very in step with the whole ‘Frozen’ theme and makes her way down a runway of sorts in a very awkwardly managed sequence that makes it look like she is being sacrificed to him.  Jess/Elsa then retires to a couch with Barry White and they talk softly about feelings.  Is it just me, or does anyone else lose the ability to hear him when he talks at such a low frequency?  Props to Jess/Elsa then, because the girl must have the hearing of a mutant!  He gives her a rose and they kiss.  The end.

Back at the asylum, it’s my favorite point of the episode – GROUP DATE!

Praise be to God, Anita is selected along with Laurina to go on the most inappropriate first date in the history of everything – Battle of the Bitches, I mean, BRIDES!  Four girls are chosen as brides, while the others will play the part of bridesmaids in a photoshoot.  And this is where we meet Cara.  Where did she come from? I hear myself saying.  Well, whoever she is, girlfriend needs to run some John Frieda frizz-free through that hair, just sayin.

Laurina is chosen as one of these said brides, which is fortunate, seeing as she could wear her eyebrows as a headpiece, so that’s economical.  The other girls don’t see the practical advantage of this decision and don’t clap.  DER-RAMA!

Tiarner (???) cracks the sads over having her hair done in a mildly sophisticated style.  She bitches at the make-up artist for what seems like 5 minutes but apparently the girl is a mute or just doesn’t give a shit (most likely this) and continues on “gallantly”. (Also, gallant is my new favorite word.)

Laurina calms everyone’s fear about the shoot because she was a model, so she is really good at modeling.  She is also really good at talking about modeling. Model. Modeling.  She models really good while three other loser bridesmaids stand around plotting her death.

While all this modeling is happening, Anita shows up to watch her potential victim husband pretend to marry someone else.  “Turn around Blakey boy,” she whispers, and, I swear to God, I see her wings curl up in a cloud of black smoke.  Luckily Blakey doesn’t hear this or else I’d bet his rectum would have seized up to the size of a pin hole.

At this point I’m hoping to catch the update on HairGate, but to no avail.  Instead, Disney Face proclaims, “Today is the day Princess Diana becomes a bride!”  Why has no one spoken to her about this?! WHHHYYYYYY???!!!!

 

Anyway because I am soooo late, I’mma speed right through this….

 

We make it to the rose ceremony without anyone losing an eye. Osher drops the bombshell that TWO bitches will be going home with no Blake tonight.  That’s one person plus a whole nother one!

Anita’s enchantment holds strong and she stays.  So does Laurina and her eyebrows.  It turns out Vader WAS a fan of the bridesmaid up-do because Tiarner and her hairtastrophe are sent packing.  And another girl who hasn’t had any air time. BUT WAIT!  The rest of Laurina’s face starts to get verrrry upset.  Chantal is having none of this and scolds her for crying in front of Vader because she should feel totes lucky to have made it past the second week of a competition where she is competing for a husband who took another chick on a ‘Frozen’ date and macked on with her twice.

“I don’t even care.  I don’t even know the guy. I’m not emotionally invested.  I’m thinking far too logically for a model.”

Disappointing Laurina.  I expected better of you. That is not the attitude of an upstanding Narre Warren local/model.

She better get back on the crazy train or I will go out in protest.

 

Until next time, bridezillas!

 

 

 

jess

Let it go, let it gooooo-ooooo…..

 

 

P.S. This time I ACTUALLY promise to get my recap in on time, guys!